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“Okay, who donated this?”
Leighton held up a t-shirt with a pole-dancing chicken with text saying I <3 Chicken Strips in all its absolute-eyesore glory.
She was spending her late afternoon at the Women’s Centre, helping sort through and fold the pile of washed donated clothing. Ever since she had turned down Kappa and wasn’t actively rushing, she found she had far more time on her hands, and what better use of that time than to actually make a difference?
God, if younger Leighton could see her now, actually enjoying being holed up in a building where the decor looked like it was at least five decades out of fashion. She was pretty sure that besides the chair she bought a few months ago, the newest piece of furniture had to be from before the dawn of civilization.
Still, furnishing choices aside, she still liked it here — even if her closest friends from the centre were made up of her ex-girlfriend, a girl who kept getting catfished by her cousin, and someone who was… actually, no. Leighton thought Tova was actually pretty cool and she couldn’t think of anything weird to point out about them. They were probably the most sane and normal of all of them.
Besides Leighton herself, of course.
“Oh yeah! That one still had the tag on it when I found it in the donation bin,” Ginger said from beside Tova as she folded a pair of sparkly leggings.
“Must have realised their lapse in judgement pretty quickly,” Alicia remarked, sitting on the couch adjacent to Leighton in her chair. She was digging around the pile of clothes for the matching sock to the one she was holding. “I knew I should have tied them together or something…” she muttered to herself.
Leighton couldn’t help her lips from being pulled into a small smile, the fondness warming her. Sure they broke up ages ago, but they were friends now, and friends could be endeared by their friend’s behaviour, right?
Oh who was Leighton kidding? The embers were growing again and she knew full well being friends with her wasn’t the smartest choice. Sure, she might be the brightest in all of her math classes, but damn, let a girl make a questionable decision every once in a while.
Her last one had been dating a girl who looked just like her, which, in her defence… well, she didn’t really have one. She just thought she was hot. But that ended so it was basically a clean slate. Being friends again with Alicia was her first questionable choice for this new slate.
“You going to be here on Friday night for the monthly slam poetry session?” Tova asked her and Ginger nodded along to their words.
“Nope!”
For once she was feeling a little sad about missing out on it. Even though ninety-percent of the performances were grating to her ears, it was always a good excuse to sneakily get drunk and laugh at some of the unfortunate performers. Leighton tossed another folded t-shirt on top of the stack for tops, this time the fabric being decorated with tiny ducks, like it was straight out of the children’s ward of a hospital.
Alicia snorted. “Don’t sound too excited,” she said dryly.
“I think I’d actually prefer hearing about ovaries being awakened or how menstrual blood is the colour of rebellion over my Friday night plans,” Leighton laughed before grimacing. “Agreed to dinner with my parents and my brother.”
Her second recent questionable choice.
“Aw jeez, we’re that bad?” Alicia put a hand over her heart dramatically. “And here I thought the worst insult was you saying we were worse than a comedy improv group.” She was fully joking, that toothy silly smile on her face managing to ease Leighton’s mood about the whole thing.
”Hey, I said that this would be better. Only just.” Leighton rolled her eyes, amused. “Dinner’s going to be hell for sure.”
Alicia grinned, bright and mischievous, “Well if you wanna keep the night going with your parents, you can bring them here.”
“Oh I’m sure they’d love to hear about Mother Nature’s bosoms and how waterfalls are actually her tears,” Leighton drawled, grabbing a new article of clothing from the now-smaller pile. “I think my dad will pass out at the sight of all the flyers we have on feminism and that box of free condoms and dental dams.”
“He’s cool with you being a lesbian though, right?” Tova chimed. “Small steps.”
“Pffft, we’ll make a real feminist out of your dad yet, don’t you worry,” Alicia waved a hand, drawing a soft laugh from Leighton.
“He is. My mom doesn’t know though and that’s kind of worrying me.” She chewed on the inside of her cheek, a nervous habit she never was able to get rid of despite relentless scolding from her mother. Leighton shrugged, “It’s whatever, I’ll leave as soon as it’s socially acceptable to. I’m thinking as soon as the main is done? I don’t know what’s stopping me from stabbing myself with the silverware after that point.” The last part was added with a lighter tone, sensing that she was making the others a little… concerned.
Tova and Ginger nodded in agreement, Leighton’s words sparking a conversation between them about dinners that they had left abruptly. Alicia’s eyes stayed on her though. She always could read Leighton like a book, those brown eyes of hers dangerously perceptive at times and she supposed that even though they were no longer dating, she still had the memories of each page ingrained in her. Habits were hard to break.
It was a look of are you sure?
“I’ll be fine, Li,” Leighton murmured so that only Alicia could hear, the other two still chatting to each other across from them.
“Well, we’re always here if you need an escape,” Alicia said genuinely. She leaned in closer, pretending to hide her mouth and whisper, “That and the only brand of cheap wine the university lets us buy.”
Leighton only smiled warmly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
It eased her nerves in the moment, but she knew it would come back in full force soon enough.
A few days passed and Leighton was on her way to the restaurant her parents had picked out. She was hoping the twenty minute walk would be good to clear her mind but all she found were her hands getting a little clammy. She felt her phone buzz in the pocket of her skirt so she fished it out, welcome to the distraction. It was her roommates in their group chat.
whit [19:32]: good luck for dinner, leight!
belaaa [19:33]: does your mom still want to fuck your brother
belaaa [19:33]: also yeah what whitney said
belaaa [19:33]: good luck!!
kimberly [19:34]: Good luck, Leighton!
kimberly [19:34]: And why do we always have to mention that?
Leighton smiled a little to herself.
thanks guys [19:35]
and i think kimberly’s the real brother-fucker here [19:35]
but i still wouldn’t put it past my mom [19:36]
whit [19:36]: ew that is so gross
kimberly [19:36]: I… am at a loss for words.
belaaa [19:37]: we love you, leighton!!!
have fun at that frat party you guys [19:37]
love you too, guys [19:37]
belaaa [19:37]: we miss you!! really sad we don’t get to rock out with our cocks out with you tonight
bela i love you but PLEASE don’t ever say that ever again [19:38]
whit [19:38]: seconded
kimberly [19:38]: Thirded.
belaaa [19:38]: booooooo you guys are no fun
Smiling to herself, Leighton put her phone away as she neared the restaurant, knowing she’d probably be lectured if she was seen walking and texting. She took a deep breath just before she rounded the corner, hoping to steel herself. She was about five minutes early but when she walked past the doors, she spotted her family already seated and waiting, one chair left vacant. Her grip on the strap of her handbag grew tighter before she forced herself to relax.
It was fine. It was going to be fine.
“Look who finally decided to join us,” her mom greeted, that slight disapproving edge already in her tone. She wasn’t even late.
Well, that was a great start.
Leighton grit her teeth as she sat down next to her brother. “Mom, dad. Nico.”
“What your mother means, is that it’s nice to see you, Leighton,” Henry said, a gentle correction.
He was always playing mediator between Leighton and her mom but sometimes it felt like he was more scared of what would happen to him than what his wife’s thinly veiled hostility did to his daughter.
“Hey, Leight,” Nico greeted with a smile. “How are you doing?”
And her brother liked to pretend nothing was happening. Whatever.
“Pretty great, actually. I’m like, the top student in all my classes,” Leighton replied, feeling no small ounce of pride. She had earned it.
“Hey! That's great to hear!” her dad exclaimed in that excitable way of his.
Her mom simply nodded, the only acknowledgement it seemed that she was going to give her. “Well, Nico’s doing wonderful at Yale,” she said instead and Leighton tamped down the flare of irritation that bubbled in her. “He’s looking so handsome today.”
God, how badly she wanted to casually bring up the fact that they had paid his way in because he had been expelled from Essex. But she held her tongue. It was too early to start something.
Also, ew.
“Oh, thanks, mom,” Nico said politely. “But I wanted to hear more about Leighton’s classes.”
A small surge of satisfaction went through her. Okay, Nico, one point to him. He wasn’t always useless, she supposed, he was her older brother after all.
Her mom’s mouth pressed into a thin line but didn’t say anything else. Leighton saw her dad’s shoulders relax a little.
Holding the urge to roll her eyes, Leighton plastered on a smile. “Yeah, my professors have been saying I’m like, one of the smartest people of my generation.”
Leighton was able to talk about her curriculars for the next while uninterrupted, but she could sense her mother wanted to jump in with whatever passive-aggressive quip that had popped into her mind. The conversation stayed friendly enough, but there would always be an underlying tension whenever Leighton and her mom were in the same room, lurking in the shadows. Exactly why her mom was named the babadook in her phone. Nico talked a bit about what he was doing at Yale and how he had joined the men’s hockey team. At that point Leighton had only gone through one drink, slowly nursing a second vodka cran as she partly zoned out her brother’s words.
“And Nico, you’ve been seeing this lovely girl,” Mimi said, bringing her attention back to the table.
Leighton couldn’t help but choke mid sip. “I’m sure that’ll last long,” she muttered under breath.
“Leighton,” Nico hissed at her.
Leighton just shrugged, raising her lips to her glass again.
“As if you can have any say in that, Leighton,” her mom interjected. “Have you still not got a boyfriend yet?”
She tried not to stiffen at her mom’s words. Well, so much for peace. And they hadn’t even had their mains come out yet.
Leighton looked her mom in the eye. “No, I don’t,” she said coolly.
Her dad was watching the interaction silently, a nervous expression crossing his face. He was the only one who knew the truth.
“You’ve declined every boy that I’ve tried to set you up with for the past three months,” Mimi continued, eyes still cold and disapproving.
Leighton refused to shrink under her mother’s gaze. “I’ve been busy.”
“You turned down your acceptance from Kappa, I don’t know what else could possibly be taking up your plate.”
“I have actual studies to focus on,” Leighton snapped. “Or did you completely ignore me when I said I was acing my classes?”
“And we’re very proud of you for that, honey,” her dad offered.
She could feel the irritation simmering under her skin again, the lid only having managed to stay on for a whole thirty minutes.
Her brother’s shoulders were stiff, watching the table with a wary eye.
“Turning down Kappa will only make it harder for you to find a nice boy, Leighton.” Her mom sipped at her wine, waving a hand. “I mean, you’re such a beautiful girl, you should really meet more boys, find yourself a good husband.”
“Leighton doesn’t have to do that right now if she doesn’t want to,” her dad said, trying to placate her mother.
Fuck, no wonder it took Leighton so long to accept that she was a lesbian when this woman, her own mother, had been hammering the heteronormativity right into her skull since she was a kid.
Heh, heteronormativity. Alicia would be proud of her.
She wished she was at the Women’s Centre watching someone recite a poorly-written sonnet about boobs.
(At least that, she could get behind.)
“Jesus, mom,” Leighton’s jaw flexed, fingers tightening around her glass. “Not everything is about getting married — that might be your end goal but not mine,” she spat out.
“Oh look! Dinner’s here,” Henry said suddenly as the waitstaff brought over their chosen meals.
“That looks good,” Nico added quickly, fake excitement dripping from his words.
Leighton quietly contemplated how long it’d take for her to bleed out and die if she stabbed herself with her fork. At least the silverware looked fancy enough.
They busied themselves with their food, making small comments here and there solely about their meals to try and keep the tension low. Leighton wanted to go home like, five minutes before she had even stepped foot in the building, but she promised herself she’d at least stick it out until after the main for her dad’s sake. Then she would fake an emergency and tastefully and gracefully absolutely leg it the fuck out of there.
She did genuinely miss her dad, the parent she was closest to when growing up. When she came out to him at that particularly awkward dinner with her ex and her ex’s dad, she made him promise not to tell her mom. It looked like he had kept his promise. Leighton just wished that instead of redirecting her mom’s needling, he actually spoke up about it.
Onto her third vodka cran now, the main course was mostly finished, with her mother putting her silverware down on her half-touched plate.
“How are your roommates doing, Leight?” Henry asked after a while.
Leighton put her fork and knife down neatly on her empty plate. “Good. We’ve been going to all of Whitney’s games, she’s totally killing it. Kimberly makes Bela and I dress up in her team’s colours and we make little signs. She’s totally embarrassed but we love her.”
Her dad looked happy, a warm smile on his face. “I’m so glad you’ve made such close friends. Some of my closest friends were from my college days.”
“Yeah, in the Stone Age,” Nico joked. He looked a bit more relaxed now. Leighton wasn’t sure how much longer that would last, with the way her mom’s eyes were now fixed on her, analysing.
“You know, your father and I met in college,” her mom started, leaning forward.
She had to stop herself from sighing, already guessing where this was going. “You’ve told this story like, a million times,” Leighton replied.
“I just don’t get why you’d turn down being part of a sorority,” her mom finally said. There it was, the disappointment and disapproval now fully out in the light. “It’s like you don’t want to be—”
“What? Be what, mom?” Leighton’s teeth were gritted. She levelled her gaze with her mom’s, patience wearing dangerously thin. “Like you? Pretending that everything’s normal? Like I’m the perfect daughter for you to parade around for your friends?” She tried to keep her voice level but their quickly heating conversation had already caused a few curious glances from the other restaurant-goers.
Her heart was rapid in her chest, not helped by the three drinks she had already downed. No matter how old she was, she would always feel small under her mother’s piercing and narrowed gaze.
“Honestly, Leighton,” Mimi started, “It’s like you always think I’m out to get you or something.” She shook her head, instantly dismissive, looking five seconds away from tutting at her.
Her dad turned to her mom. “Honey…”
“I am just trying to look out for you!” Mimi exclaimed as if she hadn’t just been poking and prodding at Leighton all evening like she did with her meal.
Needling her about boys as if that was all Leighton was good for. As if it was the only thing interesting about her to her mother. As if she hadn’t spent her entire life moulding herself into the person her mother would approve of.
Her mom unfortunately opened her mouth again in the moment where Leighton was trying to gather her words. “Just making sure you’re set up for a good life, a good job, and a good man at your side. You should meet—”
“Oh my god, mom,” Leighton snapped, face contorting in anger.
It was always what her mom could do for her, how her mom wanted her to perform. Never Leighton being her own person, never showing any emotion if Leighton did something for herself. It was exactly one of the reasons she had turned Kappa down, feeling far too much like stepping into her mother’s shoes, becoming her mirror.
“I don’t want to meet another rich asshole’s boring son!” It came out of her like a force, the last tether of her patience finally giving way. Her pulse was rushing past her ears, feeling the heat crawl up her neck the way it always did when she would fire back at her mother. “I don’t want a fucking boyfriend.”
The words sat between them on the table and only then did Leighton realise what she had said.
“Language,” her mom looked at her, “And what’s that supposed to mean, Leighton?”
“Leighton doesn’t have to date if she doesn’t want to,” Nico finally spoke, but his words were too soft to deter their mom.
“Well?”
Her dad gave her a supportive glance. “Nico’s right, Leighton can take things at her own pace—”
Her heart was beating out of her chest at this point, feeling backed into the corner she had set up for herself. Her lips were pressed in a flat line, face stony. “There won’t be a boyfriend or a husband.” Her hands dropped to her lap and she balled them into fists so they would stop shaking.
“And that’s okay—” Her dad was trying to help, but Leighton had made up her mind.
“Because I’m gay.” She felt the burn of her throat as her eyes started stinging but her voice remained remarkably steady. Leighton clenched her jaw, standing up abruptly. “I’m a lesbian, and frankly I no longer care about what you think of me.”
Her mom was silent, eyes scarily devoid of emotion. When a few more seconds passed and she remained quiet, Leighton grabbed her handbag, slinging it over her shoulder.
“Whatever,” she grit out.
“Leighton, wait—” Henry began, looking worried but she cut him off.
“Thanks for the dinner, dad, and it was nice seeing you, Nico.” Leighton turned to her mother who still hadn’t said a word. “Call me when you get over yourself.”
With that, she turned heel, pacing it towards the door as the tears in her eyes threatened to spill. She felt too hot as she stepped outside, not even the fresh air helping her. Leighton made it about ten feet down the sidewalk until she heard someone calling after her.
“Leighton, wait!” It was Nico.
Steeling herself, she forced herself to stop and face him. Leighton crossed her arms, feeling her armour slip back on. “What, Nico?” She had meant for it to come out more biting but it only came out exhausted.
“I’m sorry that happened with mom,” Nico said, face twisted with concern, those warm eyes of his filled with sincerity. “I should’ve said more, I’m sorry.”
Leighton sniffled, rapidly blinking away her tears. She nodded stiffly, feeling like her throat was closing up.
“I also wanted to say that, uh,” Nico flashed her a soft smile, “I’m proud of you for telling us.”
That was the final sledgehammer in her dam, hot tears finally breaking free and streaking down her cheeks. There was a thick lump of emotion that she couldn’t quite swallow anymore.
Nico’s eyebrows flew up and he stepped closer, immediately pulling Leighton into his arms. She let herself sink into his familiar hug, crying into his shoulder. There were few people she let herself be like this with, and Nico was one of them, always there to hold his younger sister whenever she wanted to rant or cry about a hurt as they grew up together.
Leighton pulled back after a while when she felt her breath steady again. Carefully wiping her tears with the back of her finger, she mourned the dark smudge of mascara on her skin.
“Fuck, this is so embarrassing,” Leighton grumbled. She was crying in her brother’s arms in the middle of the sidewalk. Thankfully it looked like it had been quiet for the past while but it didn’t stop her from feeling awkward.
“Are you okay?” Nico asked before wincing. “Wait, that was a dumb question, sorry. Did dad know?”
“I’m fine,” Leighton cleared her throat. “Yeah, I came out to him at a spectacularly awkward evening a while back.” She sniffed again, feeling far too exposed. “Thanks, Nico, but I’m just going to go. I’ll tell you about it next time.”
His face perked up. “I’ll walk you. Where to?”
Leighton didn’t have to think too long before the place popped into her mind.
“Essex Women’s Centre.”
Nico fell into step with Leighton as they headed in the direction of campus. “Not back to your dorm?”
She gave him a weak smile, “Nah. I love those idiots but it’s… I just need people who understand. They’re also at a party right now, I don’t want to crash that.”
Her roommates would listen and give her a shoulder to cry on, but they didn’t get it. She was still feeling the lingering shakes of the adrenaline rush. It was like she was unmoored, revealing her sexuality having been the final thing that lifted the anchor, along with the mask she put on whenever she was around her mom.
It all made her feel sick, a churning in her stomach only made worse by the emotional rollercoaster of the evening. She was really regretting having three drinks in quick succession right about now. Leighton ended up throwing up into a nearby bush, her brother holding back her hair as she spat the bile out and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. He handed her the bottle of water he had found in her bag and she washed the taste out.
“So,” Nico started as they were finally on Essex grounds, the soft lamplights lining the concrete of the pedestrian path through the manicured lawn with a yellow glow, “Doesn’t Alicia work there? The girl with the cool jacket who held my legs up for a keg stand that one time.”
Leighton raised an eyebrow, “Where is this going?”
Nico shrugged, “You guys seemed pretty close at that party.”
“Oh, so because we’re both lesbians you assume that we’re involved?” Leighton said, feigning seriousness. She must have been quite convincing because Nico’s eyes widened.
“No! I just— ah, I thought she was nice and you seemed to like her, so…” He scratched his head, looking the very picture of dumbfounded.
Leighton couldn’t help the short laugh that left her. “Dude, chill. We did date for a while, actually.”
“But?”
“We broke up,” her words were tinged with sadness. “We’re friends again though.”
Her heart never really got the memo about their breakup, getting excited as soon as Alicia was mentioned. Being in her orbit again was stirring up feelings she had tried so hard to bury.
“But you want more,” Nico pointed out.
“Nico! Shut up! I’m not talking about this with you,” Leighton exclaimed.
He only laughed, letting it go for now as they neared the building.
Leighton turned to face him. “Thanks for walking me.”
“You’re my sister,” Nico said, his warm smile looking just like their dad’s. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Tell dad not to worry,” Leighton added, the sick feeling reappearing in her stomach. She was going to have such an emotional hangover in the morning.
“She’ll come round, Leight.” Nico gave her a brief squeeze on her shoulder.
The she in question went unsaid but it was obvious.
The reminder made her want to cry again but she swallowed it down. She met her brother’s eyes which were still worried. “Get back safe, Nico.”
He reluctantly let her go inside but made her promise to text him in the morning. As Leighton opened the door, she was greeted with quiet and the familiar scent of candle wax and incense. The poetry night was set to end at eight and it was almost nine when she checked her phone.
There were a few missed calls from her dad but she ignored them, sliding her phone back into the pocket of her skirt.
A short woman exited the office, eyes glued to a sheet of paper. She was so in her own world that she jumped at the sight of Leighton, holding a hand over her chest. That drew a soft laugh from Leighton as Alicia calmed her breathing.
“Jesus, Leighton!” Alicia yelped. “Give a girl some warning next time.” She was grinning but her eyebrows immediately drew into a concerned furrow, likely when she noticed Leighton had been crying, makeup smudged and eyes red-rimmed. “Shit, what happened? Are you okay?” she asked as she put down her papers on the nearby table.
Leighton looked around for a moment before returning her gaze to Alicia who had stepped closer to check her over. “Is it just you here?” She tried not to flush under Alicia’s worried eyes that roamed over her form.
“Yeah, Ginger and Tova, and the others left like ten minutes ago,” Alicia replied, gaze settling back on Leighton’s. “What happened? Do you need water?”
“I came out to my mom.”
“Oh, Leighton,” Alicia said softly.
Her pulse felt irregular as she tried to gather her words. “Can we— can we go to yours?” Leighton’s voice was small, tired, and a little nervous asking something like this of her ex-girlfriend. “My roommates are out and I’m still a little tipsy honestly—”
“Yeah, of course,” Alicia was nodding already. “Just let me grab my jacket and we can lock up.”
As promised, around fifteen minutes later they were unlocking the door to Alicia’s apartment. Leighton hadn’t been here since that night of the anything-but-clothes party, wearing only a deck of cards and her heart on her sleeve. Nothing much had changed — the same mugs were on the rack, including her favourite she liked to steal for her tea, the couch still having the same worn throw pillows, and the apartment still smelling of Alicia’s perfume, a sharp spice.
It was comforting and achingly familiar.
“Here,” Alicia pressed a glass of water into her hand, the coolness grounding her a little.
“Thanks,” Leighton murmured as she took a sip.
“Come,” Alicia ushered her over to the small couch and made her sit down. “I have some grocery store cake leftovers if you’re hungry?”
“No thanks,” Leighton shook her head but there was a ghost of a smile on her lips. Some things never changed. “What was drawn on it?”
“A unicorn, but the fondant horn had fallen off when I bought it so I guess it’s just a horse now. Probably why it was on sale,” Alicia replied. That drew a soft laugh from Leighton. She watched Alicia’s face grow concerned again. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“The horse cake?” Leighton joked.
Alicia levelled her with an unimpressed look. “Dude, you know what I mean.”
Leighton took a deep breath, eyes focused on her glass of water. Her shoulders slumped as she leaned back into the cushions of the couch. When her gaze met Alicia’s again, something soft fluttered in her chest at the way she was already looking at her. Her expression was open, brown eyes attentive, patient and warm.
“She had been asking me about boys the entire evening,” Leighton started, feeling her stomach lurch as she recalled the events from the dinner. “Asking me why I had been declining all the meetings with guys she wanted to set me up with. The first round only stopped when the main arrived.”
Alicia only had a look of sympathy on her features, “I’m sorry, Leight.”
Her hand reached out, only stopping when Alicia must have realised that it had happened on instinct. It only hovered above Leighton’s for a second because she flipped her own hand over, a signal that it was okay. Their palms touched and Alicia’s hand was warm. She felt her give it a squeeze and god, how Leighton had missed her casual physical affection so much.
They had been touching more recently, all friendly — a thump on the shoulder when Alicia had made a particularly bad joke, or when Leighton was being a little mean, a quick hug when they parted ways, a brush of the fingers against the back of the other’s hand to get their attention. It only made that hole in her chest that little bit bigger, that rush of butterflies in her stomach that little bit stronger.
Leighton shrugged, trying to play it off but she could feel her throat constricting again, that stubborn lump reappearing. “Dad and Nico tried. Maybe not hard enough but…”
“No, they should have done more,” Alicia said, gentle but firm. “Especially your dad.”
“I knew she was disappointed in me for turning down Kappa,” Leighton’s voice wavered slightly and she swallowed hard. “And she made it all about finding a husband again and it just fucking pissed me off so much.” Alicia gave her an encouraging smile. “I could literally do everything perfect,” Leighton continued, “But in her eyes I won’t ever be because I don’t conform to society’s straight bullshit.”
Her eyes started burning again, the telltale sign of unshed tears. She could feel her breath getting shorter, unsteady.
“Hey, Leighton,” Alicia’s other hand rubbed soothingly on her shoulder. “Take a breath for me.”
Leighton complied, inhaling shakily as tears started falling. “I just blurted it out. I was so fucking fed up and straight up told her.” She put the glass on the coffee table and used her hand to wipe at her tears, not caring about smearing her makeup anymore, now safe between the four walls of Alicia’s apartment. “It took me so long to accept that part of myself,” her voice cracked and she felt another wave of heat under her collar, “and she makes me feel like I’m a kid again, somehow always disappointing her. I left as soon as I dropped it because she didn’t say anything at all.”
There it was, everything out in the open. Another shuddering exhale left her lungs, comforted only a little by Alicia’s thumb stroking the back of her hand.
“Hey, come here.” Alicia helped pull her into her arms, Leighton’s head resting on her chest as she let the tears flow free for the second time that night.
Everything felt too tight, her clothes, her skin, her ribs where her heart was beating out of her chest. She focused on trying to let her breathing even out and she could hear Alicia’s own heart, a comforting rhythm from where she was pressed up against. Alicia’s hands were soothing on her back, and Leighton swore she didn’t imagine Alicia’s lips pressing a soft kiss to her hair as she cried.
It was stupid. All of it. She thought she had moved past craving her mother’s approval, growing into an adult and finding her own place in the world, but at the end of the day, Leighton was still her daughter.
“Sorry, I got your shirt wet,” Leighton sniffled, murmuring into Alicia. Her eyes were closed, enjoying the feeling of gentle fingers carding through her hair. Her voice was more steady now.
Alicia’s chest shook with soft laughter. “I don’t care about that, Leighton.” She continued her ministrations with Leighton’s hair. “How are you feeling now?”
“Pretty shitty,” Leighton sighed. Her pulse had quietened, no longer roaring past her ears. “But less shitty, thanks to you.” Her words came out honest and she leaned back to look at Alicia properly.
“I’m glad,” Alicia replied, equally meaningful. Her eyes tracked over Leighton’s face.
“What? Can’t get enough of this smudged makeup look?” Leighton said lightly but she could feel her blush starting to colour her cheeks.
After letting out a laugh, Alicia stood up and Leighton immediately longed for her warmth again. She extended an arm. “Let’s get that cleaned off you,” Alicia suggested. Leighton let herself get pulled up from the couch.
“For someone so short, you sure are strong,” Leighton remarked, the exhaustion making itself apparent and settling into her bones as soon as she was on her feet.
“You look like you’re gonna pass out.” It was said with humour but Leighton could detect the underlying worry in Alicia’s words. “Let’s get you out of these clothes too, you can’t possibly be comfortable.”
“Trying to see me naked already?” Leighton said teasingly, the words easily rolling off her tongue.
Alicia rolled her eyes but barked out a laugh, “Shut up. You know what I mean.”
It was the little things like this she missed from their relationship. Flirty jokes that made her heart soar whenever Alicia let out that wonderfully warm yet exasperated laugh, like Leighton had earned the highest achievement one could get on this earth. The way her eyes would crinkle at the corners and her mouth pulled into a toothy smile. There was no better sight.
Thirty seconds later and Leighton was balanced on the edge of the bathtub, watching Alicia dig around her medicine cabinet for makeup wipes. Alicia turned around, fresh wipe in hand and Leighton tilted her chin up to let Alicia carefully swipe at her skin.
“I can do it myself, you know,” Leighton murmured but she was liking the feeling of Alicia’s hands on her, one on her jaw and manoeuvring her while the other took off her remaining makeup.
“You almost fell over walking in here,” Alicia said, eyes hyper focused on Leighton’s face. “How much did you even drink?”
Leighton shrugged, “Just three drinks.” The corner of her mouth curled up in amusement at a memory appearing in her mind. “Nowhere near how much I drank that one time and landed with community service.”
“It’s a miracle you made it to the women’s centre in one piece tonight.” Alicia got her to close her eyes so she could take off her eyeliner and mascara. It had been mostly cried off by that point anyway.
“Oh, I threw half of it up in a really ugly bush on the way. I’m pretty sober now, just tired.” Leighton opened her eyes once Alicia was done. “Nico was there too.”
Alicia threw the makeup wipe in the nearby trash can. She smiled as she went in with another wipe, “That’s good to hear.” Leighton felt her wipe the lipstick off her mouth and she tried not to focus on the sensation or how close Alicia was. “There, you’re good,” Alicia said as she tucked a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear.
The small action made Leighton’s heart stutter. “Thanks, Li,” she said genuinely. She felt lighter now that she was fresh-faced, tear stains no longer on her cheeks.
Alicia washed her hands before turning back to her. “I’ll grab you some clothes and you can change in here. Are you… wanting to stay over?”
“Is that okay?” Leighton didn’t want to overstep. Alicia had already done so much for her already.
A soft smile graced her lips, “Of course you can stay.”
Alicia disappeared for a minute and returned with some clean clothes. She let Leighton get changed in the bathroom while Alicia got changed in her bedroom. When she returned, she handed Leighton a new toothbrush in its packet and they both brushed their teeth side-by-side.
It was so fucking weird to be doing all this with her ex but it had been another thing she missed dearly, the ridiculous domesticity of it all.
Leighton was now leaning against the kitchen counter as Alicia made her drink another glass of water. Alicia’s clothes were soft against her skin, the familiar detergent a pleasant scent. The sweatpants she gave her came up a little short on her, to which Alicia had snickered at when Leighton exited the bathroom.
Leighton placed the empty glass down on the surface behind her. “Happy?”
“Very.” Alicia’s smile turned softer as she moved to stand in front of her. “I don’t think I’ve said it but I’m proud of you. You did a hard thing today.”
Leighton swallowed, the emotion threatening to boil over again. “Oh,” she breathed out. “Thank you.”
“And I wanted to say sorry too, for how we ended,” Alicia continued. “It wasn’t fair for me to put that ultimatum on you, that pressure. It was a fucked thing to do,” Alicia let out a breath before looking Leighton in the eye, “I’m sorry.”
In truth, as the time passed she had started to understand Alicia’s point of view more, but that didn’t mean the apology was unwelcome.
A small smile lifted her lips. “Thanks, Alicia,” she said softly. “I’m sorry too, I was so scared of what other people thought of me that I ended up keeping you like a dirty secret.” She shook her head. “You deserved far more than that.”
“I—” Alicia cleared her throat, nodding, “Thanks, Leight.”
“I miss you,” Leighton rushed out. Maybe it was the emotional wreck she’d been for the past two hours, or maybe it was simply something she needed Alicia to know with all her heart.
Alicia’s eyes widened slightly, momentarily lost for words.
Leighton pushed on. “And I can’t help but hope that maybe you do too?” Her voice held steady until right at the end, wavering slightly as the nerves rose to the surface.
She felt Alicia’s hands on her shoulders as she stepped closer, her face looking at Leighton like she had just told her the secrets of the stars.
“I’ve missed you too.”
Leighton took that as a cue and tilted down, kissing her softly and feeling her heart lodge into place, like it had come home. She tasted like mint toothpaste. Alicia kissed her back for only a moment before she parted, two hands on Leighton’s shoulders, not pushing away but saying wait.
“Are you sure?” Alicia whispered, brown eyes shining with uncertainty but they were open and honest. “You’ve been through a lot today, I want you to be sure.”
Leighton’s hands rested on Alicia’s hips. She gave her a nod and a squeeze. “I’ve missed you for far more than just today.” She felt exposed and vulnerable but even then, she knew was safe in Alicia’s close presence, in this tiny one bedroom apartment that she had once felt so at home in.
A bright smile bloomed on Alicia’s face and then they were kissing again, more purposeful this time. Leighton pulled her closer by the waist and she felt Alicia’s hands cradling her face, deepening the kiss. She wasn’t sure how long they spent like that, completely wrapped up in each other, but when they parted, Leighton was sure her face was flushed. Alicia’s eyes were dark but looking at Leighton with so much joy that it made her feel like she was floating, Alicia’s hands being the only tether.
“We should probably stop, you really look like you’re ready to fall asleep,” Alicia commented, thumb delicately running along her cheek.
Leighton hummed noncommittaly, her eyelids wanting to droop. The mischievous part of her decided to slowly inch her hand up Alicia’s side, feeling the warmth of her bare skin and the muscles shift under her fingers. “Are you sure?” she asked with a smirk.
“Leight, I know what you look like when you’re trying to hold in a yawn,” Alicia replied, trying to look unaffected by Leighton’s touch but failing.
As if on command, Leighton yawned, momentarily removing her hand from Alicia’s shirt to cover her mouth before returning it back to her waist. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“There will be more time for this, I promise,” Alicia said softly. Not just the kissing but more was implied in her words.
“Yeah?” Leighton smiled.
“Definitely,” Alicia planted a quick kiss to her lips before stepping out of her hold, grabbing Leighton by the hand instead. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
Despite the rollercoaster of emotions that had led up to that moment, all Leighton felt was happiness as she was led to Alicia’s bedroom, ready to collapse into bed with her favourite person. Things might’ve been unsure with her parents right now, but Leighton knew she was sure about this.
Muscles feeling like lead, she let herself sink into Alicia’s side, feeling safe and warm in her arms.
kimberly [08:02]: Leighton Murray, are you alive???????
kimberly [08:02]: We’re worried!! Please text back!!
whit [08:22]: do i need to get my mom to arrange a search party
whit [08:23]: jokes aside please be okay
belaaa [08:25]: leighton i missed your snoring last night :((((
fuck off i don’t snore [09:19]
and i’m fine dw [09:19]
just had a shitty dinner, i’ll tell you guys about it when i get back [09:20]
belaaa [09:21]: i’m gonna fight your mom, leight
whit [09:21]: ^^^ your mom better square up
how did you even guess it was my mom? [09:21]
belaaa [09:21]: cause she’s a total bitch
kimberly [09:21]: Bela!
belaaa [09:21]: no offence
oh none taken [09:22]
and i’m at alicia’s [09:22]
belaaa [09:22]: alicia huh? that short hottie of an ex?
belaaa [09:22]: leighton murray, you slut!!!
kimberly [09:23]: Well I, for one, am glad you’re safe.
bela, are you sure you’re straight??? [09:23]
and thanks, kimberly [09:23]
belaaa [09:24]: i can recognise when a girl is hot
belaaa [09:24]: sue me!
sure, bela [09:24]
but yes she is hot as fuck [09:24]
and we maybe perhaps be back together [09:25]
whit [09:25]: omg??????
kimberly [09:25]: Awww, happy for you!
belaaa [09:25]: yes! get it leighton!!!!
:))) [09:26]
belaaa [09:26]: and we NEED to party together like as soon as possible because we missed you, bitch!
belaaa [09:26]: so then we can…
belaaa [09:26]: r
belaaa [09:26]: o
belaaa [09:26]: c
belaaa [09:26]: k
whit [09:27]: bela NO
belaaa [09:27]: rock out with our cocks out!!
BELA [09:28]