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Lottie stumbled out of the trees and into a clearing in a dizzying haze. She was standing in front of the cooling lake, autumn was right around the corner, and she had no idea how she got there.
Her vision was bleary, and her head was pounding in a way she’d only felt once before, a time she didn't have the fondest memories of. It wasn't like at the house parties, drinks being passed around and weed in every corner. No, it was familiar. Too familiar. It felt like doomcoming.
God damn Misty fucking Quigley poisoned us all again, she thought distinctly and stumbled forward, reaching out for something to hold on to but nothing was there. She fell knee-first into the chilling water and had no energy to get up.
She knew if she laid down in the water, she would probably end up drowning, and all this shit could just be over, but a figure in the distance quiets her mind.
She slams her eyes shut, palms applying pressure over her eyelids, and she tells herself it isn't real. None of it is, none of this is. But then the figure speaks, and it knows her name. (They've never said her name before, have they?)
“Lottie? Why are you in the water?”
She peeks her eyes open to see Nat standing above her.
“Are you okay?”
“Misty…she…” Lottie sputtered out through her daze, trying to warn Nat.
“I know. Those fuckin’ shrooms.”
“The others?”
“Safe. Except Shauna. She disappeared, we can't find her anywhere. But nobody was with her, so there's no risk to life.”
Lottie chuckles absentmindedly and stares at the two fish, trout maybe, swimming a bit in front of her. Aren't they cold?
Nat sinks down next to her, their knees brushing in the water. “Lot?”
“Hmm?” Lottie murmurs, resting her head on Nat’s shoulder.
“Why are you in the water?”
Lottie ponders it for a moment and realizes she doesn't have an answer. Visions are still swimming in front of her eyes, so she lets them slide shut again.
“Don’t remember.”
“Do you want to get out?”
“Kinda want to swim.”
“It's fucking freezing,” Nat laughs next to her, causing Lottie’s head to shake slightly.
“Is it? I can't feel it.”
“God, you are so high.”
Lottie stands abruptly, her feet padding over rocks under the water as she walks further into the lake. The rocks are sharp, and stab at her feet, but she doesn't really notice.
The water ends up covering her up to her midriff and the chill of it quiets the whispers and the swirls in her vision disappear. As she turns to face Nat, all that's left to focus on is the girl. Her girl. Well, no, not anymore. She blew that a long time ago.
Lottie lets her eyes drift over her blonde hair, dark brown cascading along the top. The straps of her red bra peek out from under her tank top, and if Lottie lets her gaze linger for too long, she’ll blame it on the shrooms.
She is so damn beautiful, and Lottie wishes she had appreciated it more when they had time. Now, it feels like there is a clock ticking down to the inevitable, but if she were to die right now looking at Nat like this, she figures it would be a good way to go.
After staring at her for entirely too long, Lottie notices Nat stand up and start to wade her way through the water, making her way toward her.
It could be the effects of the shrooms, but she swears the water and heavens unite to part and make way for the girl.
“Stop looking at me like that,” Nat murmurs, a pink tint filling every corner of her face.
“Like what?”
“Like you want to eat me alive.”
She notices Nat grimaces at herself, and yeah, okay, it was an awful choice of words, but Lottie can't even deny that it isn't true. She wants to take apart every piece of her until Nat’s soul is laid bare in front of her.
She wants to know everything about her. She wants to know what keeps her up at night, what makes her cry, what makes her laugh, what she really wants out of life, who she wants, her flaws, her scars, her soul.
“You're so sappy,” Nat says, suddenly, and Lottie realizes she just admitted that all out loud. She starts to stutter out an explanation, but Nat cuts her off. “It's fine, Lot. You're cute when you're high.”
Now it's Lottie’s turn to blush, and she turns away to face the night sky, willing some force out there to swallow her whole. “I’m going to kill Misty for this.” She mutters, and gestures to her head.
Nat fully comes up beside her then, their bodies close enough that it teeters on the edge of being too much, and not enough at the same time. She wants Natalie to come closer, but she also wants her to walk away. Her feelings for the girl have always been intense, but combined with the psychedelic drugs, her mind is taking too long to catch up.
“The moon is beautiful, isn't it?” Nat states from beside her.
Lottie’s heart stutters in her chest at that. The moon is beautiful, with the way backdrops against the night sky and creates a white-golden glow over both of them, mixing with the beauty of the stars, but Lottie knows that's not what Nat meant. No, it's not what she meant at all.
She vaguely remembers sometime in sophomore year, during one of their soccer practices, when Van–during one of her stories–told the team what the deeper meaning of that phrase really is. The Japanese use it to say I love you , Van had said.
Lottie knows Natalie was never one to really care about the moon or stars or space, but she also knows that before the crash, Nat always cared about her. It was evident in the way Nat always sought her out at parties, making sure she would get home okay, or the way Nat placed a gentle hand on her back after a particularly hard game. But love? That was a totally different ball game that Lottie never let herself dream of.
Lottie leans back in the water, floating on her back, and staring up at the sky. And in the subtlest way she can think of at the moment, Lottie reaffirms Nat's words.
“Yeah. It really is.”
Nat smiles down at her softly, resting a hand underneath her back as if to keep her afloat. And after a few minutes, when Nat's face starts to morph above her (drugs fault, she supposes), and it feels like one of them is about to confess something, their attention gets pulled away to a dark glow in the distance.
Smoke is pooling at the top of the tree line in swirly patterns, and a harsh, mean red-orange fire forms just under it. It gives her a crazy sense of deja vu, transporting her back to the end of last winter. Something is terribly and undeniably wrong, and they both know it.
They both make a mad dash for the woods, water sloshing under their feet, Lottie looking back at Nat just as yelling begins to form in the distance at their camp.
—
The site in front of Nat is one she is not going to be able to forgive. Ever. Shauna is torching every last one of their huts to the ground. And absolutely nobody is stopping her.
She is laughing maniacally, ignoring the rest of the team's yells and pleas for her to stop. If Nat’s honest, she looks possessed and yet completely aware of what she’s doing at the same time. Nat knows she has to do something, and it's only solidified by the look of horror blooming over Lottie’s face.
She doesn't think about it, she just acts on pure instinct. She runs forward, grabbing Shauna by her flannel and toppling her to the ground. Someone beside them (Tai, maybe?) grabs the torch and puts it out into a bucket of water.
Shauna tries to flip Nat over, but Nat keeps her pinned by her shoulders, pressing the nails on her thumbs into the soft spot in between Shauna’s collarbone and neck. She grunts out in pain, but she doesn't relent on her attempts to push Nat off. She's clearly pissed about Nat’s plot to sabotage her plan, though Nat can't think of a single damn reason why her plan of burning their home down was a good idea.
After what Nat guesses is five minutes, Shauna seems to calm down, but as Nat lifts her hold just slightly, a searing pain shoots through her forearm. The girl has fucking bit her, and Nat has no choice but to let go. Luckily for her, Van and Tai rush Shauna in a dizzying blur and hold her hands behind her back.
When it's all said and done, Nat looks around and notices there are only three huts left standing. Tai and Van’s, Nat’s, and Mari’s. The rest are burnt to a crisp on the ground, with nothing left but tiny remains as if they were never here at all.
Nat knows the emotional torture Shauna has been through, but by destroying their last hope at shelter, she's destroyed all the sympathy that Nat had left for her. It was already on thin ice after beating Lottie almost beyond repair, but this was her last straw. It took them 2 months last time to build these huts, and with it getting colder and having no cabin on fire this time to keep them warm, she can't imagine how long it will take this time.
The disbelief on Lottie’s face as she sees the girl look around at the carnage is enough to push her into overdrive, and she orders Tai to take Shauna to the animal pen and tie her there for the night. She doesn't trust her around any of the girls right now, and why should she? She may have well just tried to kill them all. Actually, she might have just killed them all anyway.
Standing around in disarray, they all come up with an arrangement: Tai, Van, Travis, Misty, and Britt will fit into one hut while Mari, Akilah, Melissa, Gen, and Robin will fit into the other, at least for now.
That leaves her and Lottie.
“What about me?” Lottie mumbles next to her in a voice so sad it almost splits Nat’s chest in half.
She knows it's the effects of the shrooms; if anything, Lottie is the least sad person out here, but for a moment, it feels like she's back in Lottie’s bedroom, Nat holding her whilst Lottie cries over the fact neither of her parents wished her a happy birthday. And that memory makes Nat rush to comfort her.
“You’re gonna stay with me, Lot.”
The girl mumbles something incoherent and looks like she is no longer in the present, so Nat slides her fingers gently through Lottie’s and pulls her towards her hut, placed in the far corner of their camp.
Once inside, she lays Lottie down on a bed of furs, and lights one of their homemade candles to bring a gleam to the darkened room. Lottie looks small, so impossibly small, lying in a fetal position where Nat usually rests her head that she is reminiscent of a baby deer who's just lost its mother.
She moves to lay down next to her, pulling Lottie into her side, her head tucked under Nat’s chin. She traces soothing patterns near the top of Lottie’s shoulder, hoping to coax words out of her, opposed to the occasional sighs she was receiving in return.
Eventually, it works and Lottie’s trance breaks free.
“Nat, do you remember the night 3 days before the crash?”
Nat hums. As if she could ever forget.
Lottie had been off that day, and it was no surprise when she called Nat at midnight asking her to come over.
It had become their routine, whenever one of them was feeling like shit, the other would come to their aid. They’d been doing this for about 5 months, but tonight was different.
Nat had come into the house–she had a key–and all the lights were off, but as Nat searched the usual spots she didn't find any signs of Lottie.
She was panicking, pacing around the house, until she stumbled into the kitchen and saw her sitting on the floor in a corner against the cupboard, looking utterly exhausted.
Nat finally clicked on one of the lights, illuminating the kitchen into a dim glow. Lottie’s face was streaked with tears, a paper towel covered in dry blood was next to her.
She'd leaned in front of her, taking Lottie’s hand in her own, and whispered sweet nothings.
“You’re okay, hey, it's gonna be okay.”
“You can't promise that.”
Nat paused then, before holding her hand tighter and whispering again, “You’re right. I can't.”
Lottie had looked up at her, pain etching her face.
“But I'm not going anywhere.”
They’d baked cookies and cakes and brownies all night long in Lottie’s kitchen after that, until the sun came up. It didn't matter if it was a school day, they’d just skip anyway. For once, everything felt right in the world.
When they were full of baked goods and their hands–and tears–were wiped clean, they had fallen lazily onto Lottie’s queen bed.
Just as Natalie had begun to drift off, Lottie had placed a deep kiss on the edge of her jaw, one that was destined to leave a mark.
Now, Lottie has snuggled deeper into Nat’s embrace, laying her hand over the top of Natalie's heart.
“That night…it was the one where I realized I was in love with you.” Lottie says under her breath.
Nat looks at her, heart stuttering in her chest. “You ever kissed a girl before, Matthews?” She teases gently.
Lottie shakes her head no slightly, but her eyes are full of want. Nat moves a fraction of an inch in, giving her time to pull away, but when she doesn't, she leans further into her.
It's soft, slow, and gentle, and exactly what Nat predicted kissing Lottie would be like. Despite the power she holds over the other girls, she has soft edges and a melting point, and Nat is ever so grateful she’s allowed to experience it.
When they pull away from each other, Lottie gives her a soft smile before nuzzling back into her chest. They fall asleep like that, connected in ways Natalie never thought possible.
Nat knows Lottie might not remember this in the morning, but for now it doesn't matter.
(But to Nat’s delight, Lottie does remember in the morning.)