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The moment Ryunosuke could tangibly place the passage of time was when he couldn’t recall the sound of Kazuma’s laugh. Two years never felt so real in that instant, and his memory alone could not compensate for what he’d left behind.
Kazuma’s smile was something he could turn to whenever he needed, the photograph of himself and his old friends at the British port still perfectly perched on a shelf behind him. Ryunosuke sighed, remembering how Kazuma had indeed laughed then - when Susato had suddenly sprung on him that she planned to come back to Japan as well. But the sound itself couldn’t reach Ryunosuke’s ears.
He tried to remember the very first time he heard Kazuma laugh; it must’ve been a good few weeks after they’d first met, Kazuma still refusing to back down from the challenge that was besting Ryunosuke at tongue twisters. Ryunosuke certainly laughed a lot then. Perhaps it was later, then, when Kazuma finally discovered how truly ordinary Ryunosuke was. The way he couldn’t recall his own student identification number, or how he was fascinated with rare sea creatures, or how he could pack down extreme amounts of beef and top it off with scorching hot tea. Maybe it was then when Ryunosuke first heard Kazuma’s laugh.
“This is the man,” he could hear Kazuma’s voice say in equal awe and disbelief, “that I’ve been trying so hard to defeat. Truly unbelievable.”
“Defeat?” Ryunosuke still had rice in his mouth, “Are we some sort of enemies?”
“Enemies…?” Kazuma echoed, “No, I suppose not. You are far from my enemy.”
“Alright,” Ryunosuke humored him, even then, “Are we friends, then?”
Kazuma’s eyes went wide, like the prospect was completely inconceivable. His eyes turned down, oddly contemplative in the face of simple grilled meat. A smile graced his lips then. “Do you consider us friends, Naruhodo-kun?”
“Um, well,” Ryunosuke didn’t really know. “I’d be really happy if we were, Asogi-kun.”
“Well then,” Kazuma raised his gaze again, his eyes now revealing something much more playful, maybe teasing, with his chin resting on his hand. “Perhaps we should drop the formalities then, eh, Ryunosuke?”
“You mean–? Sure, if you want to Aso- er, K-Kazuma.”
In Ryunosuke’s memory, he could see the tilt of Kazuma’s head as he let out a snicker, which quickly evolved into a full-blown guffaw. But the sound was completely muted.
Kazuma was a very intense person, everyone at Yumei knew as much. There wasn’t a single thing he didn’t complete with total focus and integrity with the goal of nothing less than perfection. It was a quality that Ryunosuke envied, even to this day. In his law classes, he could only now think of Kazuma, and how serious his face looked when he studied. The sharp gaze he’d shoot at Ryunosuke when he noticed him staring and not doing his own work.
Ryunosuke could hear his name being called by his professor, just barely, but he had no idea what he’d been asked.
“Kazuma-sama never laughed all that much, it’s true,” Susato replied to a question Ryunosuke asked a few days later. “Especially when we were still children. He was so rigid, and back then, I… thought it was very cool,” she giggled.
Ryunosuke never thought about it that way, but he guessed Kazuma was pretty cool, wasn’t he?
“What’s with that face, Ryunosuke?”
“It’s nothing, nothing at all,” Ryunosuke grumbled. He looked back at the targets at the end of the training field, seeing his own with three arrows lodged in different spots on the board, and Kazuma’s with three in the center.
“You’re frustrated, I can see it plain as day,” Kazuma told him. “I understand, partner - but just know if you let your emotions get the better of you, it can hinder your performance.”
Ryunosuke just stared at him, unimpressed. Everything just came so easily to Kazuma, and of course Ryunosuke was frustrated. He retrieved his arrows with a huff, and watched Kazuma draw back yet another effortless shot with a picture-perfect stance and breath, landing yet another bull’s eye. As soon as he did, he turned to Ryunosuke with a smile as bright as the afternoon sun. “If someone like me can pull that off, there’s not a doubt in my mind you can as well, Ryunosuke!”
Of course, Ryunosuke was unconvinced. He notched another arrow against his bow and took his usual stance, mind still clouded with irritation. What kind of person was Kazuma really, who kept such company as Ryunosuke despite how different they so clearly were? Ryunosuke frowned then as he drew back the bowstring, feeling Kazuma’s gaze at his back. Who was he to doubt his friend? He shook his head quickly to clear his thoughts, not realizing that as he did so, he’d released the arrow. Off balance, Ryunosuke tripped and fell onto his back with a painful exhale.
“Oof,” Ryunosuke winced, reaching up to his head. But not even a moment later, he was being lifted by his arms, Kazuma right there to meet him when he got to his feet.
“Well done, partner.”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Ryunosuke returned sarcastically, before sighing in defeat. “You were right, Kazuma.”
“Hardly so,” Kazuma smiled, backing away to reveal the arrow that had hit right in the center of the target. “You were the one who proved me wrong this day, Ryunosuke.”
“I– How?!”
Yet again, Kazuma’s shoulders shake in Ryunosuke’s memories in a laugh, but there is no sound to accompany it.
Even after everything that happened, he didn’t want those moments to fade away. Even if happier mornings were still yet to come, in a time and place without Kazuma, he didn’t want to forget. Even if darker nights overshadowed those warm university days, he couldn’t stand to let them disappear.
On a day full of nothing but rain, Ryunosuke recalled the deafening sound of Kazuma’s anguished cries in the Old Bailey. Why is it that wounds heal so much slower than smiles?
There was nothing that Ryunosuke could truly do, then, other than what he knew as a lawyer. Maybe that was the first instance those moments began to wash out, like tides rising and falling away to reveal what truly lies beneath the crystal waters. Was there anything, now, that could make Kazuma laugh like he did back then?
More than anything, Ryunosuke just hoped that he was happy. Whether that was with or without him, as long as Kazuma was happy, it was okay.
“A katana is a man’s soul, Ryunosuke, and just as all from the Asogi clan before me I am with Karuma,” Kazuma had intoned upon further inquiry regarding the ever-present katana at his side.
“Karuma,” Ryunosuke repeated the name, letting its meaning swirl around in his mind. “I wonder if many people these days would say the samurai way is outdated, now. Bushido and honor and all that. But the name ‘Karuma’ seems much different from that, no? Retribution… or, justice, maybe. Hey, fitting for you, as a lawyer!”
Kazuma could only stare, which is something Ryunosuke often noticed that he did when Ryunosuke couldn’t help but say every stray thought in his mind. He thought that this time he’d really mucked it up, disgracing the soul of his best friend’s very family, before a sharp breath escaped Kazuma’s mouth as he shook his head.
“You never change, Ryunosuke… and even still, you never fail to surprise me.”
“Er, Kazuma… you just contradicted yourself,” Ryunosuke pointed out.
Kazuma just shot him a devilish smirk then. “Ryunosuke, you should know by now… when you face a contradiction, you’re supposed to say ‘objection!’”
“Objection,” Ryunosuke said to the scattered documents on his desk.
“Did you find something, Naruhodo-san?” Susato asked from across the room.
“I did,” Ryunosuke nodded. “I think I just found the evidence that seals our case tomorrow.”
He wondered if Kazuma got the same satisfaction from finding the truth in court as Ryunosuke did. Then again, it was only because of Kazuma that Ryunosuke even discovered his passion for law in the first place. On the other hand, becoming a lawyer was the one way Kazuma had reasoned his mission would come to fruition. It only felt fair now, after everything, that Kazuma would be allowed to be happy to do something he was both exceptionally talented at and also felt strongly about.
Ryunosuke could only hope that he hadn’t taken that away from him, just as he’d stolen his very place in Britain as an exchange student.
Maybe it was selfish of him to wish that joy upon someone else without doing anything with his own efforts. As his memories fell away against his will, all Ryunosuke could think was that there had to be a reason, and that was it.
He held the grip of Karuma at his side as he stood at the port of Yokohama with snow threatening to fall any second. Unaccompanied by Susato, as she insisted he meet with Kazuma alone, Ryunosuke waited in almost fear at what he’d find when he saw his friend again. He knew that his judicial assistant knew more than she let on, and likely far more than Ryunosuke himself had revealed. He could only hope that her optimism wasn’t misplaced. He could only hope that Kazuma was still able to smile like he used to. He could only hope…
“I hope I still make him happy.”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
Ryunosuke’s head snapped up to see Kazuma standing right in front of him, with an easy smile on his face. As the air condensed in front of him, Ryunosuke could only breathe as the image of Kazuma from his memory so easily reflected in the man before him.
“Ryunosuke,” said Kazuma with a tilt of his head. “You were talking about me, were you not? You still speak your own thoughts aloud - you never change, partner!”
And he laughed. A loud, raucous sound that pierced the air with each breath, surrounding Ryunosuke’s cold body with familiar warmth.
A shallow inhale nearly choked Ryunosuke, and in response his face began to pour with tears. “Kazuma…!”
“Ah– Ryunosuke, what’s the matter?” Kazuma seemed to startle at the sight, reaching out when Ryunosuke started to tremble.
In response, Ryunosuke just held onto Kazuma with all the strength he could muster, sobbing out loud. “Kazuma, I– I’m so selfish!”
“No, no– how could you even say that?” Kazuma didn’t hesitate to hold him back. “Please don’t cry, Ryunosuke…”
“I still want to be the reason…” Ryunosuke warbled. “I still want to be the reason you smile!”
“You fool,” Kazuma pulled away to see Ryunosuke’s reddened, tear-stained face clearly. “You’ve never stopped being the reason.”
Ryunosuke sniffled, “Kazuma…” Even still, tears refused to stop falling.
“Hey, what exactly does it say about you now, you started crying the minute I showed up! Maybe I want to see your smile too, partner!”
Ryunosuke blinked quickly, biting his lip to try stopping himself from crying even more. He rubbed his face with his sleeve harshly, smiling as wide as he could. “Kazuma,” he couldn’t manage higher than a loud whisper, “I’m so happy you’re home.”
Kazuma put his hands on his hips with a satisfied grin. “I’m happy to be home,” he replied. Then he continued, “I’m happy that you’re here. I’m happy that I get to be with you again.”
“I’m happy… that I got to hear your laugh again.”
Far too late, Ryunosuke realized he’d voiced his thoughts aloud once more. And by the look of it, Kazuma knew it as well. His mouth twisted with the sound of a harsh scoff and went wide with reckless joy all over again.
In that moment, Ryunosuke’s sorrow melted like the slowly dissolving gray clouds in the sky. Something made him feel certain that he would never need to fear the loss of the sound of Kazuma’s laugh in his memory ever again.