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Rafe can already tell it’s going to be a bad night. His mind has been replaying his past transgressions like some sort of deranged highlight reel. Shooting Sheriff Peterkin, nearly drowning Sarah, ordering a hit on his own father. The list feels never ending. Most of the time he can keep the thoughts at bay with distraction or drink. He doesn’t do coke anymore, sometimes he’s tempted. But there are times, like tonight, when nothing works and his thoughts get the best of him.
Being alone at Tanneyhill doesn’t help. He prefers to stay at Barry’s but he wants to give the older man some space (well he doesn’t really WANT to). Plus most of Rafe’s business is on Figure Eight so staying at Tanneyhill during the week is just more practical.
It is almost midnight and Rafe knows he isn’t going to be able to fall asleep. He decides to call Barry.
“Hey, you good?” Barry answers the phone. Rafe is relieved to hear it doesn’t sound like his phone call woke him up. “Uh hey, I’m not really…um can you come over…please?” Rafe knows he sounds pathetic but he doesn't really care. Barry has seen every side of him at this point and, for some reason Rafe can’t wrap his brain around, he stays.
“Yeah, Country Club, of course. I’ll be over soon, aight?” Barry’s voice is tender in a way that makes Rafe’s chest ache with longing.
Not even half an hour later, Barry is walking into Rafe’s bedroom. Rafe gave him a key a couple months back because he got tired of having to unlock the front door.
Rafe is sitting on the floor with his back up against his bed, knees bent and head down. He looks up when he hears Barry come into the room, too lost in thought to have heard him come up the stairs. “Hey,” Rafe gives him a weak smile as Barry moves to sit beside him on the floor. “Hey man, what’s wrong?” he says leaning in to nudge his shoulder against Rafe’s.
“Thoughts are just bad tonight, man, like I can’t escape it and I feel like I’m going crazy,” Rafe explains, eyes welling up with tears. He hangs his head between his knees again and lets the tears fall. Now that Barry is here, he can finally give himself over to the pain. Barry is the only person Rafe feels safe showing emotion in front of. Barry is the only person who makes him feel less alone.
Barry puts his arm around Rafe’s shoulders and uses his other hand to guide Rafe’s face up to look at him. “You good, I’m right here, I’ll stay tonight, ‘kay?” he says. Rafe just nods and lays his head on Barry’s shoulder. He never imagined Barry would become such an important part of his life. Looking back maybe it’s not so surprising. Everyone treated Rafe like a liability, trying their best to keep him under control, keep him quiet. But not Barry. Barry actually heard him out and treated him like a human being. Barry cared enough to comfort Rafe, even in the early days, though it didn’t look the same as it does now.
After a few moments of silence, Rafe raises his head up, eyes fixed on the floor in front of him. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, Barry. It’s like sometimes I’m fine, can think about other things or whatever. But then I have times where my thoughts are so loud, so loud I can’t tune them out no matter what I do, man,” Rafe feels more tears come to the surface and before he knows it, he’s sobbing, body shaking with the force of his cries and labored breaths.
Barry pulls him into his chest, hand stroking his hair. He feels Barry press kisses to his temple and the top of his head, all the while murmuring things like “you good” and “I got you.”
Eventually, Rafe gains enough composure to look up at Barry and say “thanks for coming over so late, I didn’t know what else to do.” Barry smiles, gold tooth glinting in the dim light. “You don’t gotta thank me, Rafe. That’s part’a this, okay? You need me, I’m here, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Rafe replies. He’s starting to feel better. He stands up and offers a hand to help Barry up. “I’m going to brush my teeth, I uh haven’t done that yet, was too busy spiraling and shit,” he says with a shy smile and heads for the adjoining bathroom. When he returns, Barry is sitting on his bed. “You okay, Country Club? You know it’s okay if ya ain’t,” Barry says, keeping his eyes locked on Rafe.
“I’m better, man. It helps that you’re here. I think you are the only thing that ever helps me feel better to be honest,” Rafe admits as moves to stand between Barry’s legs. “Well I don’t know how I feel about being a thing…” Barry is interrupted by Rafe placing his hands on either side of his face. “Shut up, you know what I mean,” he says playfully, running his thumb over Barry’s cheekbone. It’s an act Barry has done several times to Rafe, but never the other way around. To Rafe’s surprise, he doesn’t pull away, just continues to hold his gaze. “I love you,” Barry says.
Hearing Barry say those words is better than any high Rafe has ever experienced. They have said it to each other a couple times but every time feels like the first. Every time hits Rafe square in the chest.
“I love you too.” And maybe it’s the way Barry is looking at him or the fact he came over without question in the middle of the night, that spurs him to continue, “You know you are the only person who has ever said those words to me and actually shown it.”
“Yeah, well I say it because I fuckin mean it, wouldn’t say that shit otherwise, I hope you know that,” Barry replies.
“I know,” Rafe says, stepping back to allow Barry to get up. He loves how intense Barry gets. He is laid back and unserious most of the time but seems to be very serious when it comes to Rafe. God he’s lucky. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barry stirs awake. It takes him a second to orient himself, realize he is with Rafe at Tanneyhill and not his beat up old mattress at home. He has a fleeting thought that this is home now too, because Rafe is here, but his thoughts are interrupted by a soft hiccuping sound. He’s lying on his back so he turns toward Rafe who is laying with his back to Barry. He sees that Rafe’s shoulders are shaking slightly and it sounds like he is struggling to breathe.
“Rafe”, he says, voice rough with sleep. He doesn’t get a reply so he puts a hand on Rafe’s shoulder, “Hey Country Club, you aight?”
“Uh yeah, no I’m good, man, sorry I woke you”, Rafe finally says and it’s clear to Barry he has been crying. Barry uses the hand on Rafe’s shoulder to push him down onto his back and look at him. “If you good, why you cryin’ in the middle of the night, bro?”
“I see her face when I close my eyes every night,” Rafe says in a low voice, eyes staring up at the ceiling. For a moment Barry thinks he is referring to his ex-girlfriend, Sofia, but then realizes he must be talking about Susan Peterkin. Barry should feel guilty for the sense of relief that washes over him when he realizes Rafe is seeing the face of the sheriff he murdered when he tries to sleep and not a former fling, but he doesn’t. Turns out Barry is very much the jealous type.
“Yeah, man, I know the feeling. I promise shit gets better,” Barry tries to soothe him with a hand on his chest. That usually works to ground Rafe and slow his breathing. Rafe’s eyes cut over to Barry who can barely make out his features in the moonlight. “It’s been years.”
“I know, Country Club, it takes years,” he says. Rafe doesn’t say anything more. He turns toward Barry, burrowing his face into Barry’s chest and falls back to sleep. Barry doesn’t mind being the one to comfort Rafe. They really are all each other has and Barry is more than okay with that. He hopes it is enough for Rafe too, hopes he is enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s the weekend after Barry stayed at Tanneyhill with Rafe and the two are back at Barry’s trailer. Rafe spends every weekend at the trailer. Sometimes Sarah and John B stay at Tanneyhill while Rafe is gone to take a break from the pogue life. Things are better between Rafe and Sarah apparently but still not great. Barry stays out of it. He does want Rafe to have a relationship with his sisters as long as they are fucking nice to him.
Barry is trying to tell Rafe about the runs he has to make today but the kook is pacing behind the couch, attention on his phone. “Are you listening to me like at all, bruh?” Barry asks, irritated. Barry feels Rafe’s hand slide down his chest from where he is standing behind the couch but his eyes are still glued to that damn phone. Rafe leans down so his face is level with Barry’s, “No, man, not really. Look at this listing.” Rafe shoves his phone screen in front of Barry showing a property that is listed for, what Barry assumes, is a good price.
“Am I supposed to care about this run down place or somethin?” “I could buy it, flip it, and like rent it out or whatever,” Rafe explains. “Sure, bro. Whatever you think,” Barry says, swatting the phone away from his face. “Now can you come ‘round here so I can talk to ya.”
Rafe makes his way around the couch and plops down beside Barry. “So as I was sayin’...” Barry notices Rafe is still looking down at his phone. “Rafe I swear to god I will throw that phone against the wall!”
“Sorry, man, sorry. I just want to make sure I don’t miss out on this property. It’s like, Cameron Development is all on me now and I want to keep it going, ya know,” Rafe says, visibly stressed. Barry notices the side of Rafe’s thumb has been chewed on and has dried blood on it. The kook’s nails and surrounding skin don’t stand a chance the way Rafe takes out his frustration on them daily.
Barry gently pulls Rafe’s hand away from his mouth. “You aight, message whoever you need to ‘bout seein the place.” Rafe takes a few moments to type out a message to the realtor, then puts his phone face down on the coffee table. “Okay yeah, so you have some runs to do,” Rafe says, attention now fully on Barry.
“Yeah so I’ll be gone most of the day is what I’ve been tryin to tell ya, but I can grab dinner for us on my way home,” Barry offers. “You ever thought maybe you should stop selling drugs?” Rafe asks.
Barry has thought about it. He has money now from the cross, he could stop dealing altogether, but his customers rely on him and more money doesn’t hurt. He could get arrested though, then none of it would matter. He would like to think Rafe would bail him out but why even go through all that. “I’ve thought about it, yeah,” Barry says, gazing down in his lap. “But I need to make sure I got money, old habits die hard and all that shit.”
“Barry I have plenty of money,” Rafe says looking a bit confused. “Yeah, bruh, YOU do,” he rolls his eyes. Barry knows what Rafe is getting at. If he has money, Barry is secure too. He could never not work, but he could at least not deal drugs and get a real job. “I’ll think about it,” Barry mutters and stands up.
When he comes back from his bedroom, ready to head out for the day, he sees Rafe still on the couch with his phone in hand. “Aight, I’ll be back later,” he says, leaning down to press a kiss to Rafe’s head. The kook looks up at the last second to catch Barry’s lips with his own instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barry pulls out his phone to call Rafe and let him know he is heading back to the trailer with food when he sees a text.
Rafe: Got to tour that property. Be back home in a bit. Love you.
Barry’s stomach does a somersault. Rafe has never said that over text before. Both men struggled to verbalize their feelings at first. Barry would say he is still better at it than Rafe so the text catches him off guard. A warm feeling settles in his gut as he replies, Ok. I love you too. See u soon.
Barry is setting out the food on the coffee table when Rafe walks into the trailer. Rafe heads straight for the fridge and produces two beers. “I have some good news, we are celebrating,” he says, giving Barry one of his genuine smiles that Barry swears are reserved just for him. “That right?” he says, unable to stop the smile spreading across his own face at the sight of Rafe.
The two sit on the couch. Rafe looks at the food as if he’s just noticed it. “Thanks for this, by the way, I’m starving bro.”
“It’s no problem, Country Club, now what exactly we celebratin’ for?” Barry asks. “I bought that property,” Rafe says. The shocked look Barry gives him prompts him to continue, “It’s going to be great, man. The house itself is shit but it’s waterfront and we can easily get the house fixed up.”
“Oh is that right? We can? I work for you now, is that what you’re sayin?” Barry laughs. “I mean you don’t have to work for me but you could help me, I know you know more about that shit than I do,” Rafe says, digging into the food. “Yeah you’d be correct, Country Club. Can we just eat and talk about this later, man?” Barry asks, fork held aloft. Rafe’s mouth is full so he just nods.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Later that night, Rafe is sitting up in bed when Barry comes in from the bathroom. Barry didn’t say anything about what Rafe texted him earlier even though that was the first time Rafe has texted those words. He did say it back though so Rafe assumes he is cool with it. He knows he is bad at expressing his feelings but Barry makes him want to try. The first person he said “I love you” to was Sofia and Rafe hates that it was her and not Barry. He thought he loved her at the time but turns out he just thought he did because she was someone who tolerated being around him. He liked being around her too because she was nice and understanding and not afraid of him. He thought that was love when it was really just friendship, platonic.
Now Rafe knows what it feels like to be in love. The difference in what he felt for Sofia and what he feels for Barry is so stark he doesn’t know how he ever got it wrong.
“Can we talk about you helping me with the house?” Rafe asks. “Also I want you to stop dealing.” Barry pulls the blankets back on his side of the bed and gets in beside him. “You gonna pay me?”
“Oh uh, yeah, I could do that,” Rafe replies. He doesn’t blame Barry for asking, he just wasn’t thinking of it like that. “Bruh I’m just kidding, well kinda,” Barry shrugs. “I do want to stop dealin’ man. I don’t want to keep that shit in the trailer with you here. I’m not relyin’ on you for money though, I ain’t have it in me to do that.”
Rafe thinks it’s sweet Barry doesn’t want drugs in the house, well besides weed, because Rafe could be tempted to indulge and that’s the last thing he needs. “I could pay you as like a contracted employee, that way you won't necessarily work for me but still get paid for helping,” Rafe suggests. “Hm that idea ain’t half bad, Country Club,” Barry smiles.
Barry shifts to lay down and Rafe does the same, still facing each other. “I liked your lil text earlier.” “Yeah?” Rafe asks. Good thing it’s dark in the room because he is definitely blushing. “Yeah, you cute as fuck, baby boy,” Barry says reaching to place his hand on Rafe’s jaw, thumb lightly rubbing back and forth over the soft skin. “I was just feeling it and uh wanted to tell you, I thought you might think it was stupid. Too gay or whatever.” Barry laughs at that. “I think that ship sailed a long time ago,” he teases. Rafe laughs too because yeah that’s a good point.
“Nah really though, I thought it was sweet. Gave me butterflies when I saw it,” Barry is saying but Rafe doesn’t wait to hear more as he leans forward to press his lips to Barry’s.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rafe was able to talk Barry into working on the house. Cameron Development is paying him as a private contractor instead of hiring him as an employee which Rafe only kind of understands. Whatever makes Barry feel better, he doesn’t care about the technicalities.
Normally Rafe wouldn’t give two shits about working on the property himself. He would visit the site a couple times to “oversee” the progress but he has never been interested in getting his hands dirty. Now that Barry is working on site, he is very interested.
Rafe arrives one day after some morning meetings. He spots Barry as soon as he pulls onto the property. He is leaning against the side of the house, smile on his face, talking to someone with their back turned to Rafe. What the fuck. Jealousy hits him hard in that moment and his jaw tenses. Barry has never given Rafe a reason to be jealous and he knows he is probably overreacting, but the way Barry is LAUGHING NOW at whatever that dickhead is saying, has Rafe seeing red. He steps out of the truck and slams the door so hard both Barry and the other man startle. Barry is looking Rafe up and down with a smirk on his face.
“‘cuse me,” Rafe hears Barry say to the guy before he begins walking toward Rafe. “Why ya look like you on a warpath, baby boy?” Rafe maintains his steely glare as Barry stops in front of him. His heart is pounding in his ears and he can’t believe just seeing Barry smile at someone else has him feeling this unhinged. Rafe feels Barry take his hand.
“Rafe, you good?” Barry asks. And no, he is not good. “Who’s that guy?” Rafe bites out, jerking his hand out of Barry’s grasp. “Uhhh I ain’t remember his name but he’s one of the people you got workin on the place, electrical or plumbing or some shit like that.”
Rafe doesn’t say anything, just stands there breathing heavily. He knows he must look ridiculous. “C’mere, Country Club,” Barry says, taking Rafe’s hand in his own once more and leading them towards Rafe’s truck.
“Barry, I, um, I just…” Rafe tries but he doesn’t know what to say. “You’re jealous. And honestly, Rafe, I’m flattered but you ain’t got nothin’ to worry ‘bout, ‘kay?” Barry says, keeping his voice down so no one overhears. “I didn’t like seeing you smile and laugh like that for someone else,” Rafe says, both hands clenched into fists. Barry chuckles, dimples popping out indicating genuine amusement. “I can’t just be rude to everyone that isn’t you, baby boy.”
“Yeah I know that but I don’t like it.” Rafe knows he is being unreasonable but fuck, he’s just being honest. “You think I like it when you go off to work on Figure Eight in your dress pants and your fancy button downs looking like the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life? I ain’t like that shit at all, Rafe.”
“Barry…” is all Rafe can manage to get out before stepping closer to the older man and dipping his head to kiss him. “I trust you, aight. You gotta trust me too,” Barry says in Rafe's ear before pulling away. Rafe has a lump in his throat from the surge of emotions that come up from Barry’s words. He just nods which is enough for Barry.
“Now come on, lemme show you the progress we’ve made on this piece of shit house you bought,” Barry says and Rafe follows.