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The front door slammed with enough force to make the windows tremble. Shoes clattered against a wall, followed by a jacket and a bag.
Felicia lowered her book, listening to angry footsteps. Who could it be? The sun had just passed its highest point: Powder was out building another competition robot, and, as far as Felicia could guess, Vi was probably on the other side of the city, impressing Caitlyn with her athletic skills. And Connol definitely respected doors.
Another door slammed deep inside the house. Vi, then.
The cat on Felicia’s lap finally stirred awake, offended by the noise. At the sound of another dull thud, he ungracefully jumped off to express his disappointment.
Felicia returned to her book for the time being, even though the words on the page stopped making sense. She’d long since learned that Vi needed a moment to cool off by herself. But that latest thud sounded suspiciously like a punched wall, and walls haven’t been punched since that long, long conversation Silco had with Vi. Felicia wished she were allowed to listen in on that talk, but he insisted on keeping it a secret between them. All she knew was that the weird antagonism Vi had towards Silco stopped along with wall abuse.
Felicia waited, tense, for two minutes to pass, so she could finally walk down the hallway and knock on a door decorated with Powder’s crayon paintings – straight on the wood – from ten years ago.
The pacing in the room stopped abruptly. Then Vi almost hit herself in the face with the door from the pull she gave it.
“Mom,” she gritted out, hurriedly wiping her face with an elbow. “I didn’t know you were home.”
Carefully, Felicia said, “We were finished earlier today. Can I come in?”
Vi huffed, stepping further back into the room. She kept on hiding her face, and even moved to pull the curtains shut even tighter. The room wasn’t fully dark; enough sunlight slipped through to give it a soft glow.
Before sitting on her desk chair, Vi gave it a good kick and then mumbled, “What do you want?”
Felicia tried to assess the situation. Vi had definitely been crying: her face was blotchy, and she still couldn’t get her breathing under control. Her leg bounced so fast it seemed almost unnatural. And, most importantly, Caitlyn, who was invited for dinner, wasn’t there.
Lowering herself onto the unmade bed, Felicia nodded at Vi’s left hand that she seemed to be cradling. “Did you hurt yourself?”
The hand immediately got hidden in the pocket. “It’s nothing.”
“Do you want me to take a look to make sure?”
Vi twitched. “No.”
Felicia tried to subtly look around the room to identify the wall that had been abused to try and determine the damage. But Vi noticed and snapped, “Mom, what do you want?”
She shrank immediately, ashamed of her outburst, and it definitely helped Felicia to keep her voice calm. “How was your meetup with Caitlyn?”
“Fine.”
It was definitely not fine.
Vi turned away from her, fiddling with something on her desk.
Felicia tried again. “How is Caitlyn doing?”
“Fine.”
Vi might as well have said “fuck Caitlyn” and her tone wouldn’t have changed a bit.
There wasn’t any other way around it, then. “Did you guys get into a fight?”
Inhaling through her teeth, Vi lightly hit a fist against a desk. “No.”
Yes, then.
Felicia sighed. “Your dad and I fight all the time. Especially when we were a young couple, and when you and Powder were born. It was tough, and we couldn’t agree on a lot of things. It’s normal for two different people to have disagreements sometimes, no matter how much they love each other.”
Vi huffed like she didn’t believe her.
“And you both are still very young,” continued Felicia. She couldn’t tell if any of her words actually landed, but she couldn’t back down either. “You have a lot to learn. About how to treat each other right, and how to resolve conflict. It will come with time.”
Vi mumbled something under her breath, forcing Felicia to lean forward and call, “Can you repeat, please?”
The cat walked into the room, uninvited and confident of his absolute right to be there. He jumped on her desk and occupied himself with trying to peek through the curtains.
With a deep inhale, Vi repeated, “It wasn’t like that.”
For a moment, Felicia’s warm stability wavered. She’d always feared that wealth could become the rift between them. And if that was the case here, she didn’t know what she could do.
One thing she knew for sure. If Caitlyn had tried to impose her status, however unlikely it seemed, Felicia was going to tear her apart.
But Vi, still staring at her hands, muttered, “It was me. It’s all my fault.”
Felicia exhaled. “I’m sure it wasn’t. Communication happens between two people; both are usually at fault.”
Vi tensed at this, annoyed by her diplomatic words. “It was my fault, though. If I’d just kept my mouth shut, or wasn’t so quick to talk, or just, I don’t know, been smarter…”
She fell silent, and pulled the cat into her arms against his will to press him against her chest. The cat announced his disappointment, but didn’t fight.
Silently, Felicia waited for her to continue.
Finally, Vi gave in. “She wants to become an enforcer.”
It took a lot of effort for Felicia to maintain a neutral face. Enforcers went a long way from what they used to be when she was young; Vi wouldn’t even know most of it. Seventeen years ago, all four of them – her, Connol, Vander, Silco – they agreed that their kids would never find out, except for maybe from history books. But still, every time, a small part of her tensed whenever they were mentioned, or when she saw the blue uniforms on the street. And she wasn’t sure what it would be like to welcome one into her family.
Vi didn’t need to know any of this. So instead, Felicia said, “It’s a noble profession. She’s honest and composed. She might actually be good at it.”
At that, Vi bristled. “How is it noble? You have to respect them just because they wear the uniform. They haven’t done shit to deserve anything.”
“That’s how these things work.”
“Then it doesn’t work, because it’s stupid.”
Felicia knew partially where this was coming from. Enforcers, as a rule, didn’t enjoy teenage girls who could jump over fences. Coincidentally, teenage girls who enjoyed jumping over fences tended to
despise anyone who tried to stop them.
“So, I told her that it was stupid,” continued Vi, and her words started speeding up, tumbling into each other. “And I told her that enforcers are idiots, and she’s not an idiot, so why the fuck would she want to become one? She’s rich as fuck, she doesn’t even need a job. If she’s bored, she can hang out with Jayce, he could use someone with common sense anyway. But being an enforcer just doesn’t make sense, they’re useless, they don’t deserve any respect, they’re always on my ass, and I fucking hate them, and it’s just, it’s just…”
She seemed to abruptly run out of words. The cat was whooshing his tail in broad strokes, but she clung to him even harder.
Felicia tried to fight it, she really did. But against her best judgement, she crouched in front of Vi, who was still sitting on the chair, just like she used to when her daughter was just a little girl who got into a fight on Powder’s behalf, and who couldn’t for the life of her understand why it had been the wrong thing to do. The girl wasn’t a child anymore, but Felicia was still her mother.
Taking Vi’s hands in hers, she said, evenly, “Did you tell her you hated them?”
Abruptly, Vi nodded.
“And what did she say?”
“She told me to get the fuck out.”
Felicia exhaled slowly. This she also somehow expected; that two headstrong girls would eventually, well, but heads. “Do you think she maybe thought that you would hate her, too?”
At that, Vi’s face crumpled, and suddenly, she was crying again, trying to fold in on herself to hide it. Between sobs, she muttered, “I wouldn’t. I would never hate her. But she would fucking hate me once she becomes an enforcer, and, and, and I don’t know how we can still interact if she’s in the uniform and I’m just, I don’t know, I don’t even know what I’m gonna make of myself, and she fucking has everything figured out, and…”
Wordlessly, Felicia pulled her down on the floor next to her. The cat relished in his newfound freedom and scattered away. Vi sagged against Felicia’s shoulder, making her dress wet with tears.
Somewhere into the dress, Vi muttered, “And I told her all of that. I fucking shouldn’t have, and I couldn’t fucking stop, I don’t know why, I just couldn’t. And I think she started crying, and I got scared, so I just left.”
Felicia pulled her closer, and Vi was now pressing into her collarbone. From there, she continued, “I don’t think she’ll even let me apologize, because it was stupid, and I started it, and it’s just…”
She trailed off at that. Giving her a few moments to compose herself, Felicia ran her fingers through Vi’s hair. She’d recently stopped forcing it into that godawful back style, letting it fall freely instead. Felicia decided to take it as a sign of the rebellious phase coming to an end. Vander even poured himself a drink when he saw this new style development.
If Felicia knew anything about Caitlyn, however, it was that Caitlyn would have definitely played her role in that conversation as well. Carefully, she asked, “Did Caitlyn say anything except for kicking you out?”
Vi froze at that. She did, then. Felicia brushed a loose thread from her sleeve, thinking.
“I won’t be mad at you or at her,” she assured. “I just want to understand what happened, so that I can help.”
A few more moments passed before Vi said, “She said I should grow the fuck up. Should, like, also start thinking about my future, and stop pretending like I can just run around forever.”
Felicia’s grip accidentally tightened. She’d had this conversation with Vi before; so had Vander, Connol, and even Silco. Vi wasn’t resisting their interventions; she simply seemed extremely confused about what to do. But, of all the people, it wasn’t Caitlyn who had the right to berate her. Felicia was the mother. It was her area to make decisions in.
“And then she said that if I can’t let her make her own choices, no matter how much I disagree with them, maybe I should just leave her alone.”
Felicia clenched her jaw so hard it ached. What was she supposed to say here? She couldn’t leave it as it was; she couldn’t refute Caitlyn’s last statement – the girl was technically right. But reasoning right now would also do more harm than good.
Finally, she settled on saying, “It wasn’t right of her to berate you about your choices for your future.”
She braced for Vi denying it, but suddenly, Vi spit out, “She had no fucking right to.”
Felicia’s hands didn’t stop moving through her daughter’s hair, even as her eyebrows lifted in surprise. “No, she didn’t.”
Vi huffed and relaxed completely, wrapping her hands around Felicia’s waist. It’s been ages since she allowed herself to be this close to her mother; Felicia knew better than anyone. Selfishly, she enjoyed every second of it. She just wished Vi wasn’t hurting at the same time.
When she was sure the feelings had settled, she continued: “She is, however, right that she has the right to make choices about her life, even if you disagree.”
Vi sighed so heavily, it sounded like she felt the weight of the whole world on her shoulders. “I know that. I know that.”
The cat returned, but busied himself with sharpening his claws on the leg of the bed. Felicia hushed at him, and he graced her with an unimpressed stare.
“I also don’t know how to be okay with that choice,” Vi continued. “I don’t want to lose her. But I don’t know what to do about her being a damn enforcer.”
Felicia hummed. “Maybe you could just try it out? Let her go down the path she chose. You don’t have to commit to it with her. If it doesn’t work for you, then you can decide what you want to do.”
“Yeah, but…”
“But,” interrupted Felicia, “you don’t actually know how it would go down. It might be all okay in the end.”
“And what if it isn’t? What if it’s horrible?”
“Then you walk away. You’re not tethered to her, Vi. You’re your own person.”
Vi inhaled, ready with another argument, but Felicia continued, “I know you want to stay loyal to people, Vi. I know you want to walk through everything. But if it doesn’t work for you, then you’re not obligated to.”
To her relief, Vi seemed to consider for a moment, and then exhaled a soft “oh.”
“But you also can’t tell the future,” Felicia pointed out. “Caitlyn might be a genuinely good enforcer, one who will deserve the respect she gets.”
Vi seemed to consider it for a moment. Then, she said, “I think she will be.”
“Maybe you should tell her that?”
At that, Vi tensed. Something was still missing from the story Vi had told her; Felicia could sense it with her entire being. It was also likely something she would never manage to dig out right now without ruining the fragile peace. She had to strategically retreat.
“Do you wanna go to the market together?” she offered instead. “I want to make something special for dinner today.”
Vi nodded into her chest, but didn’t move for a while. Felicia was perfectly content to stay as they were for as long as it took. Maybe even for the rest of her life.
*
They spotted Caitlyn at the market, but Vi abruptly turned away before Felicia got the chance to point it out. Not a good moment, then.
Vi sat at the kitchen table while Felicia was cooking, catching up on her exam preparations. She was biting the pencil like it was her dinner, but didn’t seem particularly concerned with whatever the textbook was telling her. Felicia took it as a good sign.
By dinner, the Caitlyn problem seemed to have been settled for the day.
At dinner, Powder was going off on how their newest invention would work; so excited she was forgetting to chew the food before swallowing it. Ekko had moved into his spikier phase, so he was getting a lot of airtime in the story as well. Connol seemed mildly amused, and Vi even promised to “have a talk” with Ekko if he didn’t tone it down. Powder nodded in appreciation.
Her story was interrupted by a knock at the front door.
Powder groaned. “It’s probably that idiot. I have his jacket; he left it at the lab. Hold on.”
She grabbed the jacket from her bag and threw the door open, already clearly prepared to tell Ekko off. But immediately, it became clear the person on the other side wasn’t Ekko.
Powder, clearly annoyed, called, “Wow, look who it is. The smartest person in the world.”
“Hello to you, too, Powder.”
Vi’s fork froze halfway to her mouth. It was Caitlyn’s voice.
“What do you want?”
“Is Vi home?”
Powder seemed to share Felicia’s sentiment, because she just bit out, “No. Piss off.”
“Her shoes are here. I just want to talk to her.”
“Get out before I spit on your face.”
Connol shot Felicia a confused look, and she just mouthed ‘later’.
“Powder,” almost seethed Caitlyn. “This is none of your business. Call your sister, and go back to playing with dolls.”
At that, Connol choked on his pasta. Felicia was both impressed and disappointed with Caitlyn’s sharp tongue, and also proud when Powder said, “This is such a lame insult, I’m starting to wonder if you’re the one who’s stupid.”
Her emphasis on the last word made Vi hold her breath, and the last piece of the puzzle fell into place in Felicia’s head. This is why Vi pretended not to see Caitlyn in the market then, and why she wasn’t open to reconciling. She, for some reason, wasn’t surprised Caitlyn would say something like that; just as she wasn’t surprised that Caitlyn would eventually realize how wrong it was.
After a pause, Caitlyn demanded, “How did you know?”
“I am the eye in the sky. Get out.”
“I’m not leaving before I talk to her.”
“You’ve already said enough today.”
Vi’s chair fell to the floor with how abruptly she stood up. Felicia didn’t have a moment to see her face, but Powder’s satisfied smile told her it was more annoyed than guilty, which meant she’d succeeded today.
The sisters high-fived each other as Vi passed Powder (which Felicia counted as another success). Vi pushed Caitlyn out of the way to exit the house and slammed the door. The window was still open, though. Powder didn’t even pretend like she wasn’t going to listen in.
Felicia approached as well. This wasn’t the correct motherly thing to do, but something in her needed to know if Vi would defend herself in this situation.
To Powder, she whispered, “How did you know they had a fight?”
The girl shrugged. “Ekko met Vi when she was coming back. She just told him Caitlyn called her stupid and stormed off.”
Connol gasped, and Powder laughed. “Yeah. He said he almost wanted to go over and ask Caitlyn what the fuck was she doing.”
Behind the door, nothing was happening for a few seconds. Then, coldly, Vi asked, “What do you want?”
In a voice too controlled for a teenage girl, Caitlyn replied, “I brought you these.”
Vi huffed. “Mom is allergic to flowers. Sorry, no can do.”
Felicia was not allergic to flowers; Connol got her some last week. Vi whistled and teased him for being an old romantic.
Another two seconds of silence. Then, Caitlyn, almost composed, almost not sounding nervous, said, “I just wanted to see if you’re doing okay.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Felicia didn’t think fighting was right, but some part of her was afraid that Vi would just swallow whatever Caitlyn demanded without forcing her to admit she did something wrong.
Now she just hoped Vi wouldn’t be too stubborn.
Caitlyn sighed, and her voice wavered. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m sorry. I… I didn't mean..." She cut herself off.
To Felicia’s surprise, Vi offered a cold, “Which part, exactly?”
Caitlyn’s voice was getting tenser. “All of it. Vi, I’m sorry for all of it. I should be helping you figure it out, not bullying you for it. And I understand that you didn’t mean to say that, that…”
Vi said nothing, so Caitlyn, who paused in the hopes of her stepping in, was forced to continue. “My parents are really against my enforcer career choice. We get into a lot of fights over it, and I’m just… I thought you were going to be like them.”
“I never said anything about you as an enforcer,” Vi seethed. “I only said what I thought about them, in general.”
“I know, Vi, I know, believe me. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Clearly something strong enough to call me stupid.”
Caitlyn seemed to tense up at that. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve it.”
“No, I didn’t.”
They stood in silence for some time again. People on the street were passing them; someone called out to Vi in greeting, and she gave an incoherent reply.
Finally, Caitlyn seemed to arrive at some kind of conclusion. “I will leave you to it, then. You must have been in the middle of dinner. I apologize for interrupting.”
And there she was, folding back into her politeness.
Vi must have noticed it too, because, with sudden urgency, she called out, “Cait. Wait.”
It was her turn now to hesitate before she found the right words. “I should have been better, too,” she finally said. “I don’t know exactly why I reacted like this. It’s not my place to say what you can and
can’t do.”
Caitlyn seemed to make a noise of agreement, and Felicia’s heart jumped in her throat at the possibility that this all was going to fall apart.
“But,” Vi continued, before Caitlyn could jump to conclusions, “I can stand next to you when you do them. I can try and help you figure out if they’re right for you. I mean, I can’t even figure out my own life, but you know, just… I’m sorry, too.”
Felicia blinked. She had never heard adults speak with that much sense, let alone teenagers. Caitlyn’s parents were clearly doing a great job raising her, and, just maybe, Felicia could have some credit on her part, too.
She’d been worried that Vi would grow up to be someone who’s too stubborn to back down, and too proud to say what she feels. And she managed to help her avoid that.
Neither girl said anything again for a few seconds. Then, Vi said, “Mom’s not allergic to flowers. Are you hungry?”
Tentatively, Caitlyn joked, “Are you trying to make me gain weight?”
“Are you saying our food is unhealthy?”
“Not at all. Your mom just always gives me a double portion.”
“I think she has some kind of a personal agenda. I’m not exactly sure, but it’s definitely not about you.”
And at that, they both laughed; uneasy, but tentatively warm to each other again.
Felicia busied herself with the kitchen drawer, pretending she hadn’t heard every word, but Powder didn’t move a muscle to fake she hadn’t been listening in. When the door opened, she stared Caitlyn down like a guard dog, and Caitlyn returned her intensity.
But Felicia was only looking at Vi, who shot her a happy grin. There was no trace of tears or confused anger anymore. They will resurface again, of course; life itself was confusing, after all.
Felicia liked to think she was good at untangling it. And she hoped she could teach her kids, too.