Work Text:
The sky was downcast as Atsushi sat solemnly, Akutagawa in front of him, expression devoid of emotion as usual.
“What are we going to do?” Atsushi broke the silence as a worried expression took over his face.
“I don’t even know why you called me here Jinko, you dragged me here against my will.” Akutagawa didn’t blink as he stared at Atsushi.
The latter rolled his eyes, unamused, “Obviously I’m talking about what to do about Dazai-san and Chuuya-san. Or did you forget what we just witnessed”
A few minutes ago in the ADA
“Bastard! I’m gonna kill you!” Chuuya snarled as he ran after a skipping Dazai, who was holding Chuuya’s prized hat above his head.
“You know, slugs shouldn’t shout so much, it stunts growth- Oh! Maybe that’s why Chibi’s so short!” Dazai chirped merrily as he smiled, ignoring the murderous look on Chuuya’s face.
“Fucker!” Chuuya yelled as his fist met Dazai’s face squarely. Dazai flew back into the wall, dropping Chuuya’s hat on instinct to grab his nose in pain.
“Owwww, what a violent slug”, Dazai whined, covering his bruised nose while Chuuya ignored him, picking his hat off the ground carefully, then inspecting it before putting it back on his head
Dazai huffed on the ground , crossing his arms like a toddler sulking as Chuuya walked away, nodding in greeting to Atsushi, who was frozen still in terror and shock, and Akutagawa.
Present
“I don’t see how that’s any out of the ordinary” Akutagawa said curtly.
Atsushi face palmed, “Chuuya-san hates Dazai-san but Dazai-san likes Chuuya-san! Dazai-san is definitely heartbroken, we need to help!”
There was silence as Akutagawa stared at Atsushi blankly.
“Dazai-san is always talking about Chuuya-san, about his hair, his temper, his height, his eyes, his smile, his cursing, I never hear the end of it, Dazai-san is doomed!” Atsushi wailed, begging Akutagawa to see the gravity of the situation.
Dazai used to mentor Akutagawa, surely Akutagawa would have some sympathy for the poor man’s pining.
“If the situations is as dire as you say what can we even do to help?” Akutagawa drawled, stifling a cough.
“I’m glad you asked! Let’s brainstorm!” Atsushi’s eyes lit up as he pulled out a massive whiteboard from god knows where.
An excruciating hour later, the duo came up with multiple foolproof plans to help Dazai get Chuuya. Confident (at least Atsushi), they decided to try their first plan the next day.
Plan A: the tea shop
It was the perfect way to help Dazai and Chuuya’s relationship. Chuuya loved tea, and Dazai being a gentleman by helping to pour Chuuya’s favourite beverage for him would definitely make Chuuya fall for him.
The (forced) proximity would definitely help speed the process along.
The first step was of course, to get the two of them into the same tea shop and sitting together.
Atsushi brought an extremely reluctant Dazai to the tea shop, under the excuse that Atsushi was craving tea and Dazai could skip work to go with him
Dazai had narrowed his eyes at the last statement, questioning why Atsushi was supporting his unethical work habits, but followed along when Kunikida started berating him for his unfinished paperwork.
Akutagawa, on his end, walked behind an extremely enthusiastic Chuuya after work to the tea shop, subtly texting Atsushi Chuuya was on the way.
Akutagawa mentioned craving tea and asked Chuuya to accompany him since the latter knew tea better. Chuuya had agreed instantaneously, never backing rejecting a chance to relax at his favourite shop.
Chuuya pulled open the door happily, the bell jingling behind him as he walked in, breathing in the rich aroma of his favourite tea.
He quickly ordered his usual, roasted green tea, before sitting down and replying to some work emails.
Akutagawa slipped out of the shop inconspicuously, seeing Atsushi and Dazai approaching from the distance.
Atsushi, seeing his cue from Akutagawa (a condescending side eye and a thumbs up), stopped suddenly, exclaiming “Oh no, I left my wallet at the agency! Dazai-san, can you help me get green tea first and I’ll pay you back? Thank you!” Atsushi rushed back in the direction they came from, frantically patting his pockets like he forgot something.
Dazai looked back in amusement, feeling the weight of Atsushi’s wallet in his pocket. He played along, wanting to see what Atsushi and Akutagawa had planned. He noticed Akutagawa when he felt his scathing gaze directed near him, suspecting something was going on between him and Atsushi.
Dazai entered the tea shop, eyes landing on his favourite redhead as he smiled happily.
“Chibi! Long time no see! Have you grown shorter?” Dazai barely ducked in time when a dagger was thrown at his face, Chuuya seething with anger as his cup of tea lay on the table front of him
Dazai smirked, having no basic sense of self preservation, and waltzed over to Chuuya’s table, lifting the tea cup to his lips and downing the whole thing.
Chuuya’s nonsensical screams rang out beside him as Dazai smacked his lips, “I don’t know how you can drink this grass water Chibi, the hat really must be eating away at your brain”
This time Dazai wasn’t so lucky, doubling over in pain as Chuuya kicked his shin ruthlessly. Dazai, still not having gotten enough pain in one day, wheezed “Why did you kick so low? Could it be, you couldn’t reach any higher?”
If Chuuya was mad before, now he was raging. He punched Dazai’s stomach in anger, grabbing his hair and yanking Dazai to the door, where he promptly threw the brunette on the pavement and turned back around to get more tea.
Dazai pouted on the pavement, clutching his throbbing stomach and shin as he muttered about ruthless slugs and chibis with bad taste in drinks.
From afar, Atsushi watched in horror, mouth agape, as he watched the whole interaction through the hidden camera he installed in the shop. Akutagawa, watching over his shoulder, hesitantly placed a comforting hand on Atsushi’s shoulder.
Plan B: teach Dazai how to style his hair well
Plan A failed but that was alright, Atsushi assured himself as he tried not to be discouraged. Plan B may be a back up, but its chances of success was still really high.
For the next plan, Atsushi had to do it solo, with Akutagawa busy with Chuuya. While Dazai naturally looked good without anything special, Atsushi was sure that with a little change, Chuuya would definitely be in awe and fall for Dazai.
Atsushi realised that Dazai was mentally a child and fixing his attitude would take longer than both their extended lifespan early on, thus he decided to focus on his mentor’s physical appearance to make him better rather than his way of thinking.
While Dazai was slacking off before a joint mission with the Port Mafia, specifically Chuuya, Atsushi walked up to his mentor sprawled on the sofa, nervously suggesting “Dazai-san, sorry to overstep but why don’t you try something new with your hair today? I think clipping one side would look good!”
Dazai looked up lazily, raising an eyebrow at Atsushi while he glanced at Atsushi’s loose hair, “What’s with the sudden suggestion? Akutagawa mention that to you?”
Atsushi’s face heated up as he spluttered to reject Dazai’s claim, missing the small smile on his mentor’s face
After a few more minutes of Atsushi’s non stop stutters, Dazai sighed dramatically, grabbing a hair clip from his desk and pinning up one side of his bangs, looking back at Atsushi, “There, happy?”
Atsushi, still not over Dazai’s earlier comment, nodded abruptly, face still steaming from embarrassment.
Atsushi’s phone suddenly buzzed and a text from Akutagawa popped up ‘Chuuya-san and I are outside the ADA, come out”
Atsushi quickly collected himself and called Dazai to follow him out. Dazai made it a point to drag his feet to show his reluctance to see Chuuya, complaining that he would rather do the mission with anyone else than a slug.
When Dazai and Chuuya finally came face to face, Atsushi watched Chuuya’s reaction intently, waiting for a slight blush, rapid blinking or hitched breath- anything to imply he was caught off guard by Dazai’s breathtaking new look
Disappointingly, Chuuya gave Dazai his usual once over before turning around and walking to the vehicle there to pick them up
(None of them saw Chuuya’s ears tinged pink as he entered the car, his hat and hair hiding his fluster)
Atsushi stared at Chuuya’s retreating figure in defeat, how could his brilliant plan fail without a single reaction from the main target?
Dazai followed behind Chuuya, whining about how Chuuya should slow down lest he overworks his small chibi legs
Atsushi once again didn’t notice the way Dazai smiled confidently as he slid into the seat next to Chuuya
Plan C: convince Chuuya of Dazai’s “brilliance”
Atsushi was exhausted, who knew two tries of playing matchmaker would be so tiring? He couldn’t give up though, not when the happiness of his mentor depended on it
The next plan was for Akutagawa to carry out. He was supposed to catch Chuuya on his break and talk about the good things about Dazai. They hoped Chuuya would think highly of Dazai after, securing his love for Dazai.
Atsushi mentally patted himself on the back for getting Akutagawa on board for his plan, with Akutagawa’s help, Chuuya would definitely fall for Dazai.
As Chuuya entered the rooftop, lighting up a cigarette and taking a drag, Akutagawa stepped out of the shadows, “Chuuya-san.”
Chuuya yelped, almost dropping his cigarette in surprise as his widened eyes found Akutagawa’s blank ones. To cover up his embarrassment, Chuuya coughed loudly, pretending he didn’t overreact mere seconds ago, replying “Hi Akutagawa, what’s up?”
Ignoring Chuuya’s initial reaction for the sake of saving face, Akutagawa continued “I know this may come out of the blue but I was thinking of Dazai-san, since Jinko has been telling me about him. I know Dazai-san can be quite annoying at times, but Jinko has told me about his good qualities too, like how Dazai-san does his best to help Jinko when he’s in trouble, how Dazai-san took him in the day Jinko tried to rob him, how Dazai-san treats him patiently and well, and-“ Akutagawa stopped, noticing Chuuya’s hardened features and avoidant gaze.
“Chuuya-san?”
“I’m sorry Akutagawa, I know I’m not the best mentor to you and you might still miss that slimy mackerel’s guidance but I’m really trying my best and I want you to feel you can come to me for help and advice”
Akutagawa froze in shock, his gushing about Dazai had totally backfired, now instead of Chuuya nodding along and realising how good Dazai was now, Akutagawa made Chuuya doubt himself and feel bad. Akutagawa had to fix this.
“No! Chuuya-san, that’s not what I meant, I do not miss Dazai’s mentorship at all, you’re so much better than him! He used to always mentally and physically abuse me without giving me actual help and guidance but you’re always here for me, I don’t know what I’d do without you. There’s no way I would ever pick Dazai-san over you, he doesn’t have any of your good qualities, he’s still impatient, irresponsible, makes dumb choices, childish, whiny, immature, and so much more I can’t even list out!” Akutagawa hastily supplied, hoping to improve Chuuya’s mood.
Chuuya was frowning again, but for a totally different reason, “I didn’t know the mackerel was still like that to Atsushi, don’t worry I’ll be sure to get him to fix his behaviour”
Chuuya left to get back to work, mumbling about discipline and mentorship and changing for the better his ass.
Well shit, Akutagawa thought, he totally screwed that up.
Plan D: [redacted]
“Onto Plan E” Akutagawa stated, crossing off the previous plans they tried
“Plan E? What about Plan D?” Atsushi looked up from his tea, confused.
“That’s a last resort, Dazai dies in Plan D and I’d rather avoid that”
Atsushi had so much to say but nothing came out of his mouth.
Plan E: flowers
When all else fails, go back to the basics.
Atsushi was at his wits ends, no matter how hard he tried it seemed like Dazai was a lost cause and would never pull Chuuya. Maybe he should just give up after this last desperate gamble.
Akutagawa was also sick and tired of this, aiding Atsushi in his ridiculous plans was taking a toll on him and he wanted this over and done with, regardless of it succeeded or not.
Atsushi and Akutagawa agreed that roses were the safest choice as flowers for Dazai to give to Chuuya, given their general meaning and good looks.
They decided to leave the flowers in Dazai’s locker directly, then gaslight him into giving the flowers to Chuuya and finally confess to him. The two would get together and their story would end happily ever after. (Long shot but desperate times call for desperate measures)
They put the plan into action as soon as they could. Dazai came to his desk holding a huge bouquet of roses and Atsushi gasped loudly and comically, “Dazai-san! Those are gorgeous! Where did you get them?”
“Actually I found them in my locker, I think they’re a gift from one of my many fangirls”, Dazai replied nonchalantly, placing the flowers on his desk before pulling out his phone.
Atsushi sighed mentally, wondering why he thought this would even work in the first place. Just as he was about to start thinking of how to get Dazai to give the flowers to Chuuya, the latter himself burst into the agency doors, face slightly red and out of breath.
“What?” Chuuya snarled as he glared daggers at Dazai.
Dazai looked up, bored, “What took you so long slug? I texted you 10 minutes ago. Why don’t you try drinking more milk, it might make your legs grow longer”
Chuuya threw a stapler at Dazai, Dazai dodging just in time.
Dazai grabbed the roses dramatically, exclaiming, “Chibi! How could you be so violent! I just wanted to give you these!”
Chuuya stomped over, grabbing the flowers and inspecting them suspiciously, “What did you put in these?”
“Nothing! Paranoia isn’t a good look on you slug,I hear it causes early hair loss, good thing you wear that hat then, it’s good for hiding bald patches”
Chuuya stared menacingly at Dazai, still holding the flowers as Dazai chuckled, standing up and pulling Chuuya in close for a kiss
It felt like the world stopped for Atsushi. He blinked rapidly in disbelief. Did what he think happen just happen? Did Dazai just kiss Chuuya? But Chuuya hates Dazai and Dazai is hopeless how did he pull Chuuya? A million thoughts were running through Atsushi’s head as Dazai looked at him cheekily, “Pick your jaw of the floor Atsushi! What’s so surprising?”
“B-But, you-you?!” Atsushi couldn’t speak coherently, still in shock and unable to digest what just happened.
Dazai smiled gleefully, arm still around Chuuya as Chuuya looked at Atsushi questioningly too
“What?” Chuuya asked. Dazai pecked his cheek again as he explained “Actually, Atsushi and Akutagawa have been secretly trying to get us together for the past week, with the tea shop, my hair and the flowers today”
Chuuya looked at Atsushi, unamused, “Why are you trying to get us together? We’re already together?”
Atsushi felt like fainting. All his hard work and the two were already together? How stupid could one be?
Atsushi decided then and there that he would never meddle in Double Black’s business ever again, or anyone’s business ever again, for the sake of his sanity and health.
Meanwhile, Akutagawa felt a chill wash over him. Following Atsushi’s plan just to spend time with him did not end well. But was it worth it? Absolutely.