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𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦𝐬.

or at least that's what minnie told herself five seconds before going downstairs to the nearest convenience store to buy a six-pack of soju all for herself to drown her sorrows in.

so maybe it is the solution, especially when you're all alone during holiday season and have no other outlet to drown your sorrows in. then maybe.

after all, she doesn't have anything (or anyone) else to turn to.

winter is imminent, and a long time ago (really, it was just last year, but it feels like it's been centuries), minnie used to love winter. having grown up in thailand, where winter was as likely as pigs flying, experiencing the yearly snowfall was one of the many beautiful things that minnie never really got used to when living in korea. there was something inexplicably compelling about the snow, minnie just couldn't pinpoint exactly what was so...enthralling.

one of life's many mysteries, maybe.

winter time was once associated with her warmest memories, despite the frigid temperatures. but minnie's truly feeling the cold this time round.

maybe she's gotten too used to the warmth of miyeon's consistent presence during winters. sure, she'd endured winters without miyeon prior to miyeon entering her life but ever since miyeon's wormed her way into minnie's heart, minnie hasn't spent a winter without miyeon.

until now, she supposes.

and she never really thought she'd have to spend another one without the love of her life.

winter was once filled with freshly brewed teas or piping hot chocolates, lots of giggles echoing through their sacred space as the snowfall outside never once came close to disturbing minnie or the warmth she felt in her heart whenever she was around miyeon. there was no temperature too low that could ever make minnie shiver, not in miyeon's warmth. winter was by no means minnie's favourite season, but it was easily made a lot more bearable with miyeon around.

miyeon, who would always turn up the heater even though she herself would get hot at night for minnie's sake. miyeon, who would make soup almost every night for dinner or supper, especially if their schedules kept them moving about outside for too long, not wanting minnie to fall sick. miyeon, who could make the coldest days feel like sunshine smiling down on minnie's face.

enough reminiscing, minnie chides herself, she really shouldn't indulge herself in such silly guilty pleasures. winters with miyeon are a thing of a past, nothing more than a distant memory that will inevitably fade with time. minnie wrinkles her nose as she stares at the pot of tea she attempted to brew. she doesn't even dare to taste it — because whether or not it tastes like miyeon's is irrelevant, because just the taste warming her tongue will cause her to spiral even more than she is now. because thinking about miyeon means she has to feel that suffocating clenching of her heart that she's been trying to ignore, thinking about miyeon means she's going to cry for the next 4 hours if she doesn't stop herself before it's too late.

with a defeated sigh, minnie swallowed whatever was left of her dignity as she plopped down on the sofa in the living room of her new apartment (that's not so new anymore, but still feels unfamiliar for some reason). rather than going for the tea she'd gone through the trouble of brewing, minnie drowns her sorrows in something just as familiar, but a lot more comforting in times like these.

minnie popped open the first bottle of soju haphazardly before taking a long chug, easily downing a third of the bottle at one go before she set the bottle down beside her clumsily, the liquid sloshing around inside and spilling over with her jerky movements.

"fuck," minnie curses under her breath as she stared at the damp spots on her sweatpants before rolling her eyes, deciding that stained pants were the least of her problems at the moment. with a halfhearted shrug, minnie took another swig of soju.

as she looks around her new apartment, minnie appreciated one of the good decisions her past self made: keeping the apartment a miyeon-free zone. the apartment is decorated in a minimalist style at best, minimalist being a euphemism for empty. it's nothing like the dorm she spent years living in, no cluttered walls nor clothes strewn all over the floor.

her new place is truly a miyeon-free zone, she'd made sure of it. her walls are barren, no pictures, not even group ones. nothing green, not even plants. none of that stupidly specific brand of matcha that miyeon loves so much and got minnie hooked onto as well, not a single snack that she's ever shared with miyeon.

she's doing the best that she can, she supposes.

ironic though, how miyeon-proofing the house seems only to exacerbate the frequency of miyeon-related thoughts.

well...one step forward, three steps back.

minnie cracks open another bottle of soju, her second in less than half an hour as she sighs. she looks out the window, a small smile gracing her face as she watches rain trickle down the glass panels. there is something special about rain that makes minnie feel a certain, inexplicable kind of way.

rainfall. minnie sighs, taking another long drink of the soju, because her sick mind really enjoys tormenting her by taking even an innocent element of nature and twisting it into some kind of reminder of miyeon. great, just great.

rain really does remind her of miyeon.

it's been raining a lot lately, the temperatures falling rapidly. yet another indicator that winter is to come.

another thing that she associate with miyeon. yippee.

it'd be easier to try to identify what she doesn't associate with miyeon.

"this is great, life cannot possibly be better," minnie mutters quietly under her breath, mumbling into the soju bottle as she takes another indulgent gulp. yep, this is the life, isn't it? free from idol duties for once, and what better to spend a free day than drinking to one's heart's content? this is the life.

right?

"no better way to pass time," minnie continues dazedly, taking another careless swig as she smiles to herself, "this is exactly how i want to spend my winter."

she has to say it aloud for the words to have their desired effect, really: to convince herself that this, indeed, is the way she would've wanted to spend winter if given the choice. totally not because she was a victim of the circumstances.

it feels like it's barely been a few seconds but when minnie glances out the window again, the sun is already almost fully set. she frowns, mildly peeved that she'd missed the sunset (she's been missing a lot of them lately). as she focuses on the darkening skyline, minnie takes a moment to appreciate the beauty of the moon that becomes more and more visible the longer minnie pauses to observe.

days feel shorter later, and nights seem to drag on.

daylight savings and all that. that's got to be the only reason.

minnie sighs heavily, head in her hands as she contemplated a third bottle of soju when her phone started buzzing erratically. muttering under her breath, minnie rolled her eyes...why can't the universe just let her be a social recluse forever? before minnie can end the call without a second glance, she stopped upon seeing the caller id, allowing herself an indulgent smile.

god, she'd missed her so much.

"...hello?"

"did you really think i would leave you to your own misery?" soojin chuckles softly on the other end of the line, her laughter causing the speaker to crackle slightly as minnie cracks a small smile, "come on...i would never leave you alone like that."

"i know," minnie replies with a feeble attempt at a laugh, "thank you."

"you could've come spent the holidays with me or soyeonah, we wouldn't have minded, you know?" soojin pushes gently as minnie sighed inwardly. yes, she knew she was definitely welcome at her other members' homes, welcome also at the homes of her other korean friends and even her foreign friends who banded together during holidays like this, but spending chuseok with anyone who wasn't miyeon felt...wrong.

old habits die hard, minnie supposes, but nothing feels quite right without miyeon.

"but you would've minded," soojin interrupts before minnie could muster a weak attempt along the lines of "sure, maybe next year". minnie inhales sharply, not surprised that soojin had called her out so blatantly, but not really wanting to verbally admit she was spot on either. "you still associate...winter with..."

minnie winces, the truth of soojin's words resonating with her, even if she really didn't want to admit it.

again, what doesn't she associate with her, at this point?

"you can say her name, you know?" minnie smart-mouths lamely, inwardly cringing at her childish response, "it's not like invoking jesus' name in vain or something. it's just...miyeon."

"right," soojin echoes bluntly, "just miyeon...who happens to be the reason you refuse to come celebrate literally every holiday with anyone?"

"she is NOT the reason," minnie argues snappily, "i...just don't feel like entertaining people at the moment."

"ah, yeah, sure."

"look, is there an actual reason that you called? or are you just here to torment me and remind me that my life has been off-kilter since she dumped me? because i don't need any reminders, every waking second is a slap in the face as is," minnie sighs in annoyance.

"i wanted to check up on you," soojin replies calmly, used to minnie's dramatics by now, "shuhua told me that you didn't feel like coming down to visit with the other members."

"y-yeah, sorry, i...got the...um..."

"stomach flu?"

"yeah, that," minnie mutters lamely, gagging for additional effect (though they both knew she was lying), "hey...um...how w-was she? when you saw her last week. is she eating well? sleeping well?"

"she's...holding it together." soojin takes a while but finally spits something out, "she asked about you as well."

"ah, did she?" minnie muses, "she could've just come to me for an answer. but nope, she asks everyone and their mother...instead of just coming to me."

"minnie unnie...you're literally—"

"but that's the way she is, isn't it? flits and flutters around to everyone like some kind of insatiable honeybee...never sticking to just a single flower."

"it's not like you guys ended on the fondest terms...wouldn't it be weird if she just came...running back to you?"

"maybe...but i'd welcome her back with open arms without hesitation," minnie replies flatly as she downs another mouthful of soju, "are we done yet?"

"minnie unnie," soojin says rather sternly, taking the tipsy older girl by surprise, "when are you going to acknowledge your feelings?"

"what else do you want from me?" minnie moans in annoyance, "i've spent enough time wallowing in my own misery to last me a lifetime, is that enough for you?" minnie sighs defeatedly, shaking her head in frustration. "there's nothing left to say. i fell in love, i fucked up...end of story."

"minnie unnie..." soojin sighs in a way that's almost patronising, really, and minnie almost rolls her eyes but catches herself as if soojin is able to see and chastise her, "really...how have you been?"

"peachy," minnie replies curtly on instinct, rolling her eyes inwardly as she herself winces at the sharpness of her tone. lying is second nature by now, especially when it comes to expressing her feelings. as per her dear beloved's rule, of course, not to let anyone in and express her internal struggles, because that would be "burdensome" for others.

"hilarious," soojin answers just as swiftly, a barely audible scoff making minnie crack a small smile, "enough bullshit. honest answers only."

"honest answer?" minnie muses with a sigh as she swallows another stinging mouthful of soju, "i feel like someone ran me over with a bus."

"rather graphic..."

"now who's hilarious?" minnie scoffs lightheartedly, the corner of her lips twitching upwards in a half smile, "you asked."

"touche, i shouldn't have expected anything less or more from our resident dramatic," soojin snickers, "do you at least feel...marginally better?"

"considering i've got some soju in my system? i feel fan-fucking-tastic, dude," minnie crows proudly as she gulps down more soju, "nothing hurts anymore."

"minnie unn—"

"uh uh, before you start your lecture, no, i am not becoming an alcoholic. and no, i am not drunk nor am i tipsy," minnie interrupts, foreseeing another of soojin's famous "please don't spiral and become a drunkard" speeches, "it's chuseok, it's a holiday, let me live, man."

"your liver has other plans if you keep going," soojin argues fiercely, "i mean it, unnie. do not drink until you're completely out of it."

"i got you, mom, don't worry," minnie sighs, obediently placing the glass bottle down with an echoing clink that earns a satisfied hum from soojin, "i just...i'm sorry, really. i don't want you to see me in this state either. it's...embarrassing."

"what are friends for?" soojin chuckles softly, "i would be there in the flesh if it wasn't chuseok. shuhua's here celebrating with my family."

minnie smiles weakly at that. it's a shitty thing to be jealous of your friends' happiness, so she doesn't say anything, not trusting herself to be sincere. it's not that she isn't happy for soojin and shuhua — she is, she really is — but it's hard to be all sunshine and rainbows when she has a front-row seat to a happiness that she used to have, a love that she had within her grasp but let slip through her fingertips.

minnie purses her lips together. even in her dazed state, memories of miyeon are clear and vivid as ever. miyeon holding her hand and excitedly dragging her along to her parents' house, miyeon's addictive and contagious laughter that would light up every room she walked in to as she fluttered around from room to room, introducing minnie to her relatives. just everything that made miyeon...miyeon. the miyeon minnie fell in love with.

"are you okay?" soojin asks tentatively, snapping minnie back into reality. minnie blinks several times, reorienting herself as she nods (like soojin can see her). "you went silent...thought i accidentally ended the call or something."

"ah, um, no," minnie fumbles lamely, "just...reminiscing."

"breakups suck," soojin offers kindly, "we can talk about it if you want."

"how long?" minnie asks pathetically, cringing internally at the palpable desperation in her voice, "how fucking long does it take to heal?"

"well, healing isn't linear...and it's subjective, really, no?" soojin offers thoughtfully as minnie takes a moment to consider her words. soojin is definitely right, but minnie wishes she was wrong. she wishes there was a universal time by which she could expected to be healed by — because what if she never does then? since healing is so fucking subjective, what if she just...never does?

"how long did it take for you to move on from...hui?" minnie asks uncertainly, unsure if this was a sore subject. it was years ago, yeah, but if minnie knows anything, is that time is not exactly the best remedy, if to be considered a remedy at all. time shouldn't be considered something that heals all, minnie would know. time is a lousy doctor.

soojin and hui were...really good together, a long time ago. but now that soojin has shuhua, maybe things really do happen for a reason. minnie remembers how many sleepless nights she'd spent cuddling and comforting a heartbroken soojin after cube forced soojin and hui to end their relationship or face contract termination. minnie didn't know all the nitty gritty details, but that wasn't necessary — the toll it took on soojin was obvious.

but now, minnie can't imagine soojin and hui still being together. she wonders if soojin stills think about it, about the millions of 'what ifs' that died when he kissed her goodbye and disappeared from her life. she wonders if it's evil...to shuhua, if soojin does still think such thoughts.

but is it not human to reminisce? to have loved something — someone — so fiercely that you can't help but yearn for what once was, what was comforting, what was home.

"i mean, i know it took a few years for you and shuhua to start dating after your breakup...but was that because you weren't sure you were ready yet? or...?"

soojin is quiet, too quiet, that minnie wonders if she'd crossed a line before soojin starts speaking again.

"is it...crazy of me to say that i don't know if you ever really...move on from someone?" soojin posits cautiously, causing minnie's heart to sink instantaneously, "n-not to say that i would ever date hui again, no way...but in the sense that...i think...he will always have a soft spot in my heart that no one...could ever touch, if that makes sense."

"even...even shuhua?" minnie asks the question she isn't sure if she should, but she can't help but blurt it out. she wants to — needs to — know if the rest of her life will be spent with a half-healed heart, if her heart will always beat for someone she cannot have. if she will spend the rest of her life hopelessly in love with the ideal of cho miyeon.

"...kind of," soojin answers quietly and minnie swears she can hear the reluctance in soojin's voice to admit something so...serious, "i mean...nobody...will ever really be your...first love again. there's only one first."

fuck. that was definitely not what minnie wanted to hear. not at all. 

"n-not that i don't love shuhua because o-of course i do, and i want to marry her one day. but there is something...sentimental...that is associated with my memories of hui. i mean...honestly, i think it boils down to...i mean, what does moving on constitute in your eyes? if it means...never having feelings for that person...or no longer keeping a soft spot for them...i feel like...it's quite impossible if you were once in love."

minnie goes quiet, pondering soojin's theory momentarily. to be burdened with her love for miyeon for a lifetime? that wasn't exactly the answer she was hoping for. she can only sigh inwardly, already dreading a life of yearning for a girl she cannot have. 

perhaps it was naive or maybe even mildly delusional, but minnie was really hoping soojin would reassure her that things do in fact get better, so much better. that one day, minnie will be able to look at miyeon and not feel tears prickle in her eyes. that one day, minnie will even be able to say her name without feeling like she's just damned herself to a lifetime of misery.

the cost of love, perhaps.

but that's not necessarily the case, right? i mean, soojin did find shuhua...eventually, right? that bit consoles minnie just a little...but then she remembers exactly who her first love was. maybe soojin could find better than hui in shuhua, but minnie genuinely does doubt that she could ever find someone better than miyeon. there's only one cho miyeon on this planet after all, for better or for worse.

"you don't think...we ever get a clean slate?" minnie sighs inwardly, her voice wavering with every syllable she forces past her lips, "i'm just...going to remain a shattered shell of myself forever? someone...somebody out there is supposed to look at my fucked up state...and fall in love with me?"

"i don't know," soojin replies shyly, "i just...for me, like i said...hui will always be someone special to me. i mean, he was my first love. and we ended as cordially as we could've under our circumstances. i...look back on my past with him...fondly, no resentment nor bitterness. but i wouldn't get back with him...so i suppose i've moved on in that sense. but then again...i do look at him differently than i do other people in my past...so have i really moved on?"

"huh," minnie mutters under her breath. that...was not the answer she was hoping for, not even close. but what does...moving on to her even really mean?

she chuckles morosely. she used to never think she would ever have to figure out how to move on.

even now, she doesn't really want to entertain that idea. she doesn't want to move on. not in the slightest. 

"probably not the bandaid you were hoping for, huh?" soojin chuckles dryly as minnie echoes her sentiments with a bark of forced laughter, "but i think it's a worthy price to pay for love. i feel like...it's a testament...to how strongly you let yourself feel, how strongly you once felt. isn't that what truly makes the human experience? feeling."

"i know, i just...never thought i'd ever experience this in my life," minnie admits quietly, a bit sheepish, a bit resigned, "yeah, i know, it's stupid and naive."

"i don't think so," soojin offers in consolation, "i mean...who goes into relationships thinking of how they'll end?"

"hm," minnie chuckles flatly, "her, maybe."

"you think that's what she was doing throughout the course of your relationship?" soojin presses, rather forcefully, it takes minnie by surprise how clipped and sharp soojin's tone gets.

"well, not throughout," minnie amends courteously, "but i mean like...in hindsight, doesn't it make sense? how else could she end things between us so...c-curtly? s-so suddenly? how else could she cut ties with me like i meant nothing to her? she had to have been detaching herself somewhere along the way...because tell me, how has it been MONTHS since we broke up and i still can't even look at her? whereas s-she...she can sashay around like nothing happened, like she didn't rip my heart to shreds when she b-broke up with me. it's like...it's just something frivolous that happened to her...a minor inconvenience...but my world ended when it happened, you know?"

the words come out before minnie can stop them. they're laced with venom, resentment, grief, agony — all of that mixed together in a complicated flood of words that tumble past minnie's lips before she even realises what she's saying. months of pent-up frustration and bottled up distress threaten to escape and finally, minnie can't hold it in any longer.

because it's not fair that cho miyeon gets to go about her daily life like nothing happened. it's not fair that cho miyeon gets to continue living life like it's just another tuesday when minnie can barely pick herself up off the floor long enough to use the bathroom. it's not fair that miyeon is perfectly fine and minnie's held together by alcohol and melatonin.

"minnie unnie..."

"i know, i know," minnie sighs irately, "i know i shouldn't talk about her this way, that it's wrong to say such things about someone i...felt very strongly about. but can you blame me?"

"actually, i was going to say, let it all out," soojin replies gently, "you also deserve the chance to dissect and process your feelings."

"thanks," minnie mumbles softly, allowing herself a small smile, "at least someone thinks i deserve that right."

low blow, maybe, but can you blame minnie? ever since she and miyeon ended things, she's been...extra on edge. volatile, emotional...a little crazy, if she's honest about it.

the first 24 hours following the absolute destruction of the life minnie knew and cherished feels like absolute hell. minnie cried till her eyes hurt all night, shaking and sobbing with her knees clutched close to her chest. she scrolled through texts between her and miyeon, desperately trying to figure out where the hell everything went wrong, if there were any signs along the way that miyeon was going to blindside her like this.

the sun is barely up, streaking in through the curtains minnie haphazardly closed when she got home a few hours earlier, when minnie's phone began vibrating. minnie rubbed her sore, bloodshot eyes, sniffling softly as she checked the notification, only to nearly hurl her phone across the room when she saw who was calling.

"what?" she snarled viciously as she picks up, gripping her phone so tightly that her knuckles turned white, "come to rub it in?"

"n-no," miyeon fought back indignantly, swallowing thickly as minnie could hear how she struggled to keep her voice stable, "i-i wanted to check on you."

"i'm doing just lovely, thank you," minnie replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes at miyeon's audacity. seriously? what kind of fucked up person calls their ex after dumping them out of nowhere? cho miyeon is a lot of things, minnie is coming to know.

"i just wanted to make sure that we're still on the same page."

"well," minnie mused flatly, "according to you, we haven't been in a while."

"please, can you be mature for once?" miyeon scoffed impatiently, minnie could just picture the way her nose would scrunch up and her eyebrows would furrow. how she would tense up, shoulders rigid as she folded her arms.

"sorry, princess," minnie scowled in annoyance, frustration dripping from her tone, "what orders do you have for me now, milady?"

"just...remember to stick to what we agreed on, okay? d-don't involve the other members in this, alright? they each have enough on their plates as is, the last thing we need is to give them more to worry about." miyeon goes on and on on her silly little tangent about how their beloved members have so much on their plate and that minnie essentially is barred from talking about their breakup.

it makes minnie...angry. it makes her frustrated, annoyed, upset. why can't she confide in her own friends about her struggles? yes, they're all stressed with comebacks, solo schedules and cube being fucking useless as usual...but they're still her friends. why can't she talk to them? who the hell does miyeon think she is to dictate who minnie gets to talk to?

"just...don't burden them, okay?"

and there it is. the saying "the straw that broke the camel's back" has never been more true as minnie snapped instantly upon hearing that damn word.

"who died and made you dictator over my friendships?!" minnie retorted suddenly, her frustration too much to handle in that moment, "who the hell do you think you are to tell me i'm a burden to my own friends?! yeah we're all busy and stressed but we talk to each other when we have problems, that's what friends do, miyeon!"

"these are not just light topics like gossiping about other people or bitching about our company," miyeon interjected fiercely, "this is something serious. like it or not, it will affect our group dynamic. and i don't want something in our...personal lives...to deter our professional lives."

"not all of us have a fucking off switch to our feelings!" minnie fired back frustratedly, "just because you can be an ice cold bitch and go back to work like nothing happened...doesn't mean i can!"

"minnie—"

"no! don't fucking 'minnie' me like you're about to lecture me like my mother!" minnie yelled angrily, unable to bite back her emotions any longer. everything comes spilling out, her mouth running faster than her mind. "s-stop trying to pacify me like i'm a fucking child! stop trying to parent me! i'm a grown woman...who's fucking devastated that my girlfriend, who i wanted to fucking marry and have kids with, broke up with me...out of nowhere...less than 24 hours ago! so forgive me...if i'm unable to be nonchalant about it. sorry...that i'm hurt...to lose the person i love most in the world."

"i'm not trying to make things worse, i swear!" miyeon pleaded earnestly but minnie had already had enough. miyeon and her stupid fucking mindset that anything remotely distressing is off limits for discussion. miyeon and her stupid fucking hubris that makes her too prideful to confide in anyone else. miyeon and her fatal flaw of being so stubbornly independent that she shuts anyone and everyone out because she's just so fucking perfect, right?

"stop then!" minnie shrieked furiously, "stop fucking telling me what to do then! i am not you, miyeon! i can't just switch off my feelings because i have to be 'professional'! i can't bottle up and internalise my emotions like you can. i need to vent, i-i need to breathe, i need to get air before i drown myself in my thoughts. h-how can you STILL not get that?!"

"i-i get it, i-i just...i seriously don't want the girls to get involved in something so—"

"so WHAT?" minnie sneered coldly, "so trivial? so frivolous? so unimportant?"

"so damning," miyeon replied quietly and minnie's heart stopped, that wasn't really what she was expecting to hear. "what happened...threatens the foundation of our group dynamic. and we're finally...f-finally climbing the ranks we've always dreamed of. we're reaching higher heights in our career than we ever have...and you want to risk that...because you can't process your own emotions?"

"i am not a fucking robot! i can't just pretend i'm not fucking furious! because newsflash, miyeon, when you break up with someone out of the fucking blue and decide that you can turnover faster than a goddamn hotel room service, that doesn't mean i can!" minnie couldn't bite her words back any longer, they just gushed out of her, "i am not you, miyeon. i am not this perfect fucking unnie who has everything together. because i have nothing together. and that's your fucking fault for destroying everything and anything i wanted to call home, wanted to call familiarity."

"minnie, come on!" the desperation in miyeon's voice was palpable, but minnie could barely bring herself to hear her out, "i know it's not easy to work with me, t-to see me but please...understand this, okay? the group is reaching successes greater than we'd ever dared to dream of, can't you please put the group first?"

"seriously?! you think i'm doing this just out of spite or something? i WISH i could put the group first, chuck my emotions aside like they're nothing the way you can. but i can't. what do you want me to say? what do you want me to do? i can't help that i love you, i can't help that i got hurt by you. i want to just...f-forget everything and sweep everything under the carpet like you but i can't. because you knew...this was coming, you pulled the plug. and i...i just got thrown completely off-balance by the one person who kept me grounded."

"i-i'm sorry, okay? but we had to do that," miyeon stammered frantically, "we were going in circles, and when we weren't, we were spiralling out of control. we were hurting each other, min! we were dragging each other down, minnie, i-i had to do that for both of us!"

"HAD to?" minnie scoffed under her breath, she can't believe the damn audacity miyeon has, "we don't HAVE to do anything. we make choices consciously. YOU consciously chose to break up with me. own it. say it with your fucking chest. say it so casually, so cruelly, the same way you delivered the news of our breakup."

"s-stop being like this!" miyeon begged brokenly and minnie can almost make out the sound of a stifled sob over the pounding of her heart, "this isn't easy for me either! i didn't want to do it! it's w-weighing on me too! that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do!"

"then you should know exactly why you shouldn't ask me for such stupidly unreasonable demands! how do you expect me not to tell anyone we broke up?! what, so we're just gonna kiss and be all over each other in front of the members? but when we come home — sorry, when you go home and i go somewhere else because i got fucking evicted from my own home — we're just gonna go back to being strangers. the members aren't morons, miyeon, they already know we're broken up, genius!"

"o-okay, so do some goddamn damage control! keep the dirty details under wraps, keep everything professional. is the word professional something so unfamiliar to you? we are idols, minnie, we cannot afford to slip up and let anyone see or pinpoint the...tension between us!"

"i am human first," minnie muttered coldly, "just because you're a cold-hearted bitch doesn't mean i am too."

"min—"

"don't even start," minnie sighed deeply, pinching her temples, "god, i fucking hate you."

minnie can't believe she said that. it seemed like miyeon couldn't either, because they both went completely silent after that. so silent you could hear a pin drop, maybe, only if you could tune out the sound of miyeon's heart breaking over the phone.

"min, p-please—"

if minnie could be any more irate, this is the moment where everything goes up in flames. the bloody pleading in miyeon's voice, so pitiful...as if she wasn't the one who damned them to this fate. how dare she fucking act like the victim...when she was the one who crushed minnie's heart right in her bloody hands?

"i HATE you."

the second time minnie said those three words, it came out more venomous than she'd intended, sort of. she hadn't meant to sound so vicious, at the very least, but perhaps, subconsciously, she really did want to come across this way. perhaps a bitter, unsettled part of her heart pushed her to spit out three words she never thought she'd say to cho miyeon.

miyeon's breath hitches on the other end of the line, but minnie doesn't care — she doubles down with extra forcefulness, extra intensity in how every next word comes out like a harsh slap to the face.

"i wish you never passed that stupid cube audition and that you stayed the fuck out of my life. i wish you never became a goddamn idol, and that you stayed far away from me," minnie spat coldly, breathing heavily as the words kept spilling out of her, "i wish that you'd fallen flat on your face when we met instead of me stupidly catching you."

"b-because i ended up falling for you, fuck!" minnie exhaled frustratedly, gripping her phone tightly as she resisted the urge to just fling it across the room, "god, i wish i wasn't...so stupid, so naive...to be nice to you, to be so desperate for your affection, for your validation. i wish i hadn't fallen for your stupidly conniving charm, for your deceptive innocence...because you're...nothing like i thought you were."

if miyeon had something to say, she kept it to herself. minnie continued on her emotional tirade, bulldozing whatever was left of their relationship with her fierce words. she was far past the point of hitting the brakes, whatever's left in the wake of her rampage was far beyond her concern at that point.

"you...all you do is play sick fucking mind games...because you're an emotionless fucking robot...who can switch her feelings off like it's nothing. i wish you never...k-kissed me...and made me feel like you wanted me. i wish you never lied to my face so blatantly...and told me you loved me because you obviously don't. i wish i could fucking...erase you. from my memories, from my life...from everything you were ever in."

and there it is. what minnie spun around in circles but finally said. minnie only realised the severity of what she said when it had already tumbled past her lips. by then, it was already too late.

"i...i—...miyeon—"

"o-okay," miyeon whispered softly, the timidness of her barely audible whisper making minnie's heart clench. any anger or resentment she may have felt vanquished just like that. minnie gripped her phone desperately, cursing herself for letting her stupid mouth run. "i-i'm sorry, it was dumb of me to call, i-i'm so sorry."

"no, wait, i'm the one who's—"

"take care, minnieah," miyeon, ever the magnanimous one, extended yet another olive branch as minnie held her breath, waiting for something. waiting for what, she doesn't know. maybe for miyeon to say something snarky or make some kind of back-handed comment, maybe for miyeon to lash right back at her because she deserved it.

but all minnie heard ringing in her ear was the dial tone.

and somehow that hurts even more.

"i don't even know where to start," minnie sighs despondently, wanting to put down her phone but finding herself compelled to stay on the line. deep down inside, perhaps, something was gnawing at her to let her feelings out for once, instead of bottling them up.

"well, if you're still hung up on it, then i suppose starting somewhere would be better than not addressing the issue at all, hm?" soojin counters patiently as minnie inhaled sharply, simultaneously appreciating and loathing soojin's ever pragmatic advice.

"where do i start..." minnie trails off with a frown, chewing on her bottom lip as she leaned back, head tipped back against the sofa. blink and suddenly, she can almost feel miyeon's lips ghosting overs hers.

needless to say, she jolts upright with a shock.

"where do you want to start?" soojin asks considerately, 'just...talk about whatever you want to talk about.

minnie pauses.

it's been a long time since she's been given such grace.

where should she start?

when did everything go wrong? that would be a good time to start.

except minnie herself doesn't exactly know when that happened. she hesitates, wondering if miyeon could give an exact moment if posed the same question.

instead, she tried to pinpoint the last time she felt...happy with miyeon.

instantly, her mind teleported her back to...a random date, really. if asked for specifics, minnie wouldn't be able to give the exact month, let alone the exact day. but minnie remembered this moment like it just happened yesterday — because this is one of her favourite things about being in love with miyeon, being loved by her.

that somehow, every single day feels like a special occasion to be commemorated.

the details are a little blurry, her mind a little fuzzy — maybe alcohol, maybe a result of a vain attempt at self preservation — but minnie tries her best to piece the details together.

she had a long day, she can't remember the exact reason why — it was probably something silly, maybe writer's block or getting some harsher criticism than expected on one of her songs. she remembers trudging into her and miyeon's apartment, eyes red and swollen from all the crying she'd done in her studio for the past hour.

she wasn't planning to tell miyeon, especially not when she leaned against the doorframe and watched as miyeon danced to a girls' generation song on maximum volume while cooking dinner for both of them. even with her mind clouded by her own misery and self-loathing, she couldn't bring herself to dampen miyeon's mood.

so she watched, quivering lips mustering a weak smile as miyeon sang along at the top of her lungs, hips swaying side to side to the beat of the song. how her aching heart fluttered, even just slightly, at the palpable happiness and carefreeness in miyeon's voice as she sang along to the lyrics without a care, flipping her hair sassily.

miyeon has always been her happy little pill.

instead, she just walked over quietly, hugging miyeon's waist from behind, resting her chin wordlessly on miyeon's shoulder. the sleeve of miyeon's (actually, minnie's) shirt was too big for her slender figure, riding down to her shoulder as minnie's chin brushed against the bare skin of miyeon's shoulder instead, causing minnie to close her eyes instinctively at the comfort, the intimacy of the moment.

"g-gosh! you scared me!" miyeon scolded petulantly, halfheartedly swatting minnie's hands that locked tightly around her abdomen, "don't sneak up on people like that! what if i burnt myself, huh? kim minnie!"

minnie can't help but let out a weak bark of laughter. cranky, trying to be serious miyeon is really too cute.

miyeon's lips part, ready to continue her chiding while facing minnie as she whips around, only for her eyebrows to immediately furrow in concern as she assesses minnie's expression. minnie swallows thickly, wondering if miyeon will notice how her eyes are a little puffier than usual, makeup cried off her face.

"love?" miyeon's gentle, quiet voice breaks through the self-doubt tormenting minnie's mind as minnie looked down and feels herself falling, like always, into miyeon's trusting, tender eyes. miyeon's eyes are filled with genuine care, sincere love as she puts the spatula down, wiping her hands on her apron before cupping minnie's cheeks gingerly. "what's wrong?"

"l-long...l-long day..." was all minnie managed to muster as she averted her eyes from miyeon, not wanting to cry anymore. she was pretty sure she'd cried to a point of dehydration, but she didn't exactly want to test that theory either. crying was fucking exhausting. "i just...i've been dying to come and see you."

miyeon cracks a small, fond smile as she squeezes minnie's cheeks lovingly, a kiss ghosting over minnie's lips briefly. as if compelled, minnie's lips chase miyeon's, but miyeon pulls back too swiftly for minnie to lock lips with her. miyeon caressed her cheek softly, causing minnie's breath to falter as she leans into the warmth and tenderness of miyeon's palm.

the waterworks came crashing down before minnie could even catch herself, her tears wetting miyeon's cheeks. miyeon caught her crying before minnie even noticed it herself, minnie only registering it when miyeon cupped her cheek tenderly and used the pads of her thumbs to gently dry minnie's tears. 

"i'm here for you," miyeon soothed softly, patiently caressing minnie's cheek as she smiled at her adoringly, "i will always be here for you." 

in the midst of her weary, beaten down state, a surge of happiness floods through minnie's system. she smiled, even with tears trickling down her cheeksm because that's all she's ever wanted to hear, really, that miyeon was there for her.

that miyeon would always be there.

"there, there..."

soojin's calming voice snaps minnie out of a daze as she blinks several times, only then registering the teardrops trickling down her flushed cheeks. ah, damn alcohol...it makes her such an emotional wreck...

"s-shit, sorry," minnie curses under her breath, violently scrubbing her tears away as her body trembles, shuddering slightly as she sucks in her breath sharply, "i-i didn't mean to...ahem...g-get all choked up."

"it's natural," soojin consoles patiently, "i'd be more concerned if you showed no emotion at all when talking about something so..." she trails off, as if unsure what word would be right to fill in the blanks. in all honesty, minnie isn't quite sure what she'd described her memories with miyeon to be. there is no one words that can truly encapsulate the tsunami of emotions that the very invocation of miyeon's name elicits in her — it is neither happy nor sad, neither appreciative nor resentful.

most things in life aren't meant to be a binary, minnie supposes. there is beauty in the grey areas, but there is truly also a great deal of frustration and unease that comes with the undefinable ambiguous.

"how can i not...feel?" minnie replies quietly, feeling her heart clench tightly the second miyeon flutters into her mind. perhaps miyeon never left, really, but having miyeon be pushed to the forefront of her mind is something minnie hasn't allowed herself in a long, long time. miyeon's smile, how her eyes smile before her mouth catches up, really. how miyeon's eyes radiate a sincerity and genuine love that minnie's never really seen in anyone else. miyeon's instinctive response to any form of interaction being just to touch, to caress, to treasure whoever is beside her.

minnie can't just...erase all that.

"we were...happy, w-we really were," minnie whispers with a quiet reverence and conviction, clenching her fists as she thinks of all the good times she and miyeon shared. kisses between practices, cuddles during water breaks, homecooked meals and laughter shared. just getting to orbit around miyeon...that was her favourite hobby, really. 

"we were...weren't...we?" minnie suddenly loses that earlier certainty when she sits down and thinks about it. because if they were really that happy, could miyeon really have cut the cord so easily? minnie couldn't. if she was miyeon's shoes, she would've never done that. you can always fix things, why give up when you can always fix things? 

"i'm sure you were," soojin offers in gentle consolation, "you guys were together for a really long time, you guys definitely shared some happy memories."

"she is the first person to truly make me...feel, i think," minnie admits tentatively, voice lowered to a hushed whisper, as if telling her deep darkest secret (which, maybe, this is). "i never knew that i could...feel...to such a magnitude, until i met her," minnie continues softly, reverently, allowing herself a sense of transparency she'd started to subconsciously bar herself from exposing, "she is...is it crazy that i'm almost...a hundred percent certain that i will never meet someone who will...change the trajectory of my life the way she has, the way she continues to...even when she's practically no longer in it...?"

"such is the effect of your first love, i suppose," soojin replies thoughtfully, minnie's heart throbbing unconsciously at the notion of her 'first love'. it's true, of course, miyeon was and will always be her first in many, many aspects. but with the determiner 'first' comes the accompanying notion that there will be a 'last', and it is not often that the two overlap.

to consider that minnie's 'last' may not be the girl who cherished all her firsts is a thought that minnie never wanted to entertain. but perhaps this is the brutality of cruel reality. first loves are after all, in the very essence of the term, firsts. perhaps other loves are destined to follow, perhaps another love will hold the coveted title of 'last'.

minnie's not sure how she feels about that concept.

if held at gunpoint, minnie still can't exactly figure out when things went wrong. perhaps she's subconsciously preventing herself from tearing and picking apart every little memory of their relationship — maybe she's scared of uncovering an ugliness she'd glossed over, maybe she just doesn't have all that great of a memory.

but if it was miyeon held at gunpoint, minnie would force herself to, at the very least, muster a half-baked attempt at identifying the tipping point that marked the sudden downfall of their relationship — if it is to be considered sudden at all.

her birthday stands out starkly in her mind as a clear memory, one that should've been of bliss instead distorted with blinding rage and disorientating frustration. not just the fateful day itself, but also the weeks leading up to it.

things had been tense, but minnie hadn't been deterred — it was normal for things to be tense and tumultuous between them anyway. (perhaps that was the first red flag. the first glaring one, at the very least.)

she wonders how she missed everything. hindsight truly in 20/20, because everything makes so much more sense now. she thinks about the night she begged miyeon to give her space, how miyeon clearly wanted to put up a fight but bit back her own frustration, mustering a timid nod for minnie's sake. she thinks about all the times miyeon had subtly indicated genuine interest in changing minnie's mind, from consistently pressing minnie for updates on how she would be spending her birthday to throwing in mention after mention of her own empty schedule for that fateful day. she thinks about how miyeon should've just come right out and said it, instead of beating around the bush.

but would that really have changed anything?

miyeon has never been the kind to outrightly voice her desires anyway, a trait minnie both loved and loathed. because one of the things that makes miyeon so hard not to love is her unwavering selflessness, how she is just naturally magnanimous without trying — how she is so selfless and noble that it's perhaps even to a fault.

even when she'd bought those blasted troye sivan tickets, probably dropped a bomb on getting special passes for both of them, miyeon hadn't said a damn word. even when minnie dismissively requested to spend her birthday apart, miyeon hadn't once fought and brought up her own plans for minnie's birthday. she'd just...let minnie let her go.

miyeon probably would've taken the truth of those troye sivan tickets to her grave if it wasn't for yuqi and shuhua's drunken ramblings that night when they were all celebrating minnie's birthday at soyeon's house.

those damn tickets are going to haunt minnie to her death bed, maybe even beyond that.

it's bad enough that miyeon had tried to gift her such a thoughtful, irreplaceable and unique experience, what makes it worse is the fact that minnie had dismissed her so callously, so flippantly.

had she always been so terrible of a lover?

she didn't really want the answer to that question.

"soojin," minnie breaks the tentative silence that had swallowed them once more, "what...what do you remember about my birthday?"

"uh...the party at soyeon's house?" minnie can tell from the way soojin sucks in a sharp breath that this is not exactly what she wants to talk about either.

"mhm."

"most of it," soojin answers uncomfortably, "i didn't have that much to drink."

"i remember most of it too," minnie confesses quietly, hanging her head in shame, "i...i wish i did better, really."

"you couldn't possibly have known about the tickets she bought you," soojin intercepts swiftly before minnie can launch into another self-loathing tirade, "you are not a mind reader."

"still...i'm a shitty person for not spending my birthday with my girlfriend, aren't i?"

"you deserve to spend your birthday with people who make you happy. and it's apparent that...miyeon wasn't one of those people at that point in time. nevertheless, you definitely should've communicated with miyeon...because of course she also wanted to celebrate with you, moron," soojin comforts yet chides simultaneously as minnie chuckles dryly, knowing that soojin was right.

"things would've...do you...think things wouldn't have gotten to this point if i'd just gone for that concert with her?"

"are you sure that a single concert would've salvaged your relationship? minnie, i know you're hurting, but don't let yourself spiral when thinking about what you could've done better. for things to have reached such an extent, a single action wouldn't have kept you guys afloat, okay? she didn't just wake up and decide not to fight for you anymore."

the last line strikes a chord with minnie, whether she likes it or not. she's not sure if soojin's words make it better, or worse. is it comforting to know that miyeon didn't just lose faith in her overnight? maybe. but is it really much better to think that miyeon was at war with the idea of permanently ending things between them for a while...only to ultimately decide to cut ties with her? not really.

"it's not just one concert, soojin," minnie sighs frustratedly, "it's...it's the principle of it all."

the principle of it all, as in, what it meant to spend her birthday with someone else.

she remembers the heated, spiteful words they'd exchanged in the weeks leading up to her birthday. she remembers the look of hurt and disappointment that would flicker across miyeon's face every time minnie resolutely stuck to her idea that spending her birthday apart from each other was the best thing they could've done for each other.

and she remembers the flood of remorse, regret, agony, that washed over her when she was slapped in the face with the knowledge that miyeon had wanted to do something so special, so thoughtful for her. she remembers drunkenly trying to apologise to miyeon, woozily begging for forgiveness.

because miyeon's words echo in her mind, even till this day.

'you stay here and you drink with the girls and you let yourself be happy because that's the greatest gift you could ever give me, okay?' 

i love you so much...that's why i'm gonna go.'

she wonders if any of her venomous words still haunted miyeon.

because she is most definitely still haunted by miyeon's words, miyeon's actions. and scariest of all, her own actions.

the biggest slap to the face came from yuqi, a few weeks after her and miyeon's breakup. yuqi barged in like some kind of untamed barbarian, declaring something about an intervention as a displeased, half-awake minnie was too weak and disoriented to fight her off.

"why are you even here?" minnie groaned in annoyance, covering her ears to block out the sound of glass bottles clattering as yuqi haphazardly flung empty soju bottles into one of the many garbage bags she'd brought to minnie's apartment. '"are you trying to give me a fucking headache? because i get those naturally, thank you very much."

"no," yuqi retorted dismissively as minnie grimaced when another soju bottle made an annoying "clink!" sound as yuqi flung it in carelessly, "i am here to get you off your lazy ass and whip you back into shape."

"let a girl grieve," minnie whined despondently, head lolling off the sofa dramatically as she brought her hand to her forehead, "i'm depressed."

"just another tuesday for you then," yuqi countered disinterestedly, "you'll live."

"oh, fuck you," minnie mumbled frustratedly, "not all of us are in happy relationships anymore."

"doesn't mean you get to drink like you're going through your fifth divorce."

"sure feels like i am," minnie moaned dramatically, legs propped up on the backrest of the sofa as she rolled down on the sofa mindlessly, "everything hurts, yuqiah. my heart...my head...everything!"

"well, if it isn't the bloody consequences of your own damn actions then."

something in minnie snaps at that.

"what the fuck does that mean?"

'"maybe try not to drink until your head is pounding?"

oh. that's what she meant.

"s-sorry, mom," minnie mumbled begrudgingly, rubbing her temples as she sighed, closing her eyes. watching yuqi pace around the room was giving her another headache. "say...um," minnie began heepishly, clearing her throat, "have you...uh...have you seen her recently?"

"she who shall not be named?" yuqi joked halfheartedly, eliciting a weak smile from minnie as yuqi continued to attempt to clean minnie's pigsty of a living room, "we talk sometimes, but she's busy a lot lately. soyeonnie mentioned her solo schedule's packed."

"nothing new," minnie muttered quietly.

"but i do check in on her when i can," yuqi continues as neutrally as she can, "to answer your question."

"how...um...how is she?" minnie asked awkwardly, lips pursed together in a tight, unnatural smile.

"um...as good as she can be, i suppose?" yuqi offered after a beat too long of silence, causing minnie to raise an unconvinced brow. "i mean, unlike some people, she isn't trying to kill her damn liver."

"fuck you," minnie mumbled sulkily, pouting to herself though she knew yuqi made a damn good point. but minnie is not exactly known for her maturity, especially not when she's barely sober. so instead of taking yuqi's comment as a sign to work on overcoming her increasingly concerning alcohol dependency, what does she do?

make a snappy comment, of course!

"of course she's okay, idiot, she wasn't the one who got dumped," minnie spat coldly, bitterness evident as she rolled her eyes, "why would she not be fine? she literally  closer  both her  casket  and mine. i had no say in this."

"okay, don't give me that," yuqi sighed frustratedly, glaring at minnie pointedly, "you and i both know that it is not that black and white. nothing in life is."

"who the fuck cares about semantics, really?" minnie drawled dryly, staring up at the ceiling, "who cares about the grey area? the fact of the matter is that we are over because she broke up with me."

"and who pushed her to do that, hm?"

"she's a grown fucking woman capable of making her own decisions," minnie argued frustratedly, '"whose side are you on?!"

"whichever side brings my best friend back."

minnie frowned, she didn't like that.

"dude, i'm still your best friend."

"not this version of you," yuqi mumbled quietly as she wrinkled her nose while picking up a handful of tissues, "my best friend would never talk about miyeon unnie this way."

"sorry to disappoint then," minnie retorted bluntly, rolling her eyes once again, "why does everyone have expectations of me? can't i be human? i can be petty too, i can be spiteful too. sorry if that goes against your image of me."

"that's not what i meant," yuqi sighed, equally frustrated, "i just mean...i can barely recognise you when you're so...vengeful. you've never been the spiteful type."

"well maybe this is the real me and you just expect too much."

"then i wouldn't be the first to give you too much credit, hm?"

"fuck off," minnie snapped angrily, raising her voice, "if you're here to sympathise with her and get on my ass, get the hell out of my house."

"i just want you to see the full fucking picture!"

"watch how you talk to me!" minnie warned coldly, barely able to enunciate her words through gritted teeth, "and what full picture? pray tell, what insight can you offer me into my own breakup?! i fucking lived through it!"

"how about the fact that she was there, huh?" yuqi countered furiously, letting go of the tissues she was gripping as she glared at minnie with a flare of rage minnie had never seen in yuqi's eyes before. "yeah, that's right. miyeon unnie was there, okay? at the fucking troye sivan concert. because your bitchy ass turning her down wasn't enough to deter her from still trying to salvage your birthday present. she went to watch the concert with sana, trying to video it for you."

"y-you're lying," minnie stuttered quietly, "i-i didn't see—"

"that was obviously on purpose, moron," yuqi interrupted impatiently, "she left before she even got to her seat. because she saw you there, with someone else. and it was like a bloody kick to the face for her, okay? to see you there with someone who isn't here."

"she knows lisa is just a friend!"

"that's not the damn point!" minnie flinched sharply, sitting up awkwardly at the sheer fury in yuqi's voice as she spoke. "the point is that you spent your birthday with someone else, what are you not understanding?!"

"w-we agreed! to spend my birthday—"

"don't give me that bullshit," yuqi sighed dryly, "she only did that for you. what kind of girlfriend doesn't want to celebrate her girlfriend's birthday?"

"okay, so i'm a fucking dick, i got it," minnie muttered flatly, "why are you even telling me this?"

"so that you stop blaming her as if she dumped your sorry ass for no rhyme or reason. she may not have been the best girlfriend, but your hands aren't exactly blood-free either."

"yuqi gave me the wake-up call that miyeon never dared to give me that day," minnie sighs quietly, "slapped me right in the face with that...reminder that i was a fucking shit girlfriend. something miyeon never said to my face." minnie glanced down at her right hand, noticing she'd subconsciously began clenching her fists upon recalling this specific memory. "i'm such an idiot..."

"there's no point bashing yourself anymore, what's done is done."

"i have to bash myself!" minnie retorts frustratedly, "t-there's nothing else i can do!  this whole time...i actually thought i was doing a decent job at being her girlfriend. i'm fucking stupid, oh my god...she just...s-she always told me that i was perfect, that i was the best girlfriend ever, and i never noticed she was just blowing smoke up my bloody ass! why did she keep lying to me? w-why didn't she tell me i was bad, that i was doing something wrong? w-why didn't she tell me i was losing her until it was too late?"

frustration, confusion. that's the most succinct way to explain minnie's state of mind since their breakup. she lost miyeon, and she could barely comprehend why. because even till the very last second, miyeon told her it wasn't her fault, that she hadn't done anything wrong.

so then who the hell caused this, if not her?

miyeon...?

no. it's not possible, miyeon hadn't done anything wrong. even if minnie liked to blame it on her, miyeon was perfect. miyeon was everything she could've ever asked for. 

"e-every time i thought i fucked up, s-she would just gloss over it and say that it was fine, n-no damage done. even when i tried to repent or grovel, she would say there was no reason to. w-why would she lie like that?! i-it's not like i didn't want to be better...i-i swear, i wanted to be the one for her. but she just kept fucking telling me everything was okay! even i could tell it wasn't, but how do i fix something she won't even acknowledge isn't working?!"

so maybe, it makes sense, doesn't it? that this might actually be miyeon's fault. for never giving her the chance to grow as a partner, for always coddling her like she was made of glass. for always sweeping serious issues under the rug like they were nothing.

but they were obviously something if they amounted into something so glaring that it prompted miyeon to break up with her.

"i-i tried, i swear, i really tried," minnie continues desperately, in a frantic attempt to convince soojin — or maybe, really, herself. "w-whenever i could tell her mood was off, i tried to talk about it. but she would always say it was okay, that she was just tired, that she was on her period...that, just...it was anything and everything except my fault. naturally, i just...believed her."

call it desperation, call it naivety, call it delusion — call it what you want, really, at the end of the day, minnie still believed miyeon's dismissive words.

"are you not going to tell me why you're giving me the cold shoulder?" minnie crossed her arms frustratedly, sighing as she leaned against the doorframe of their bedroom, staring at miyeon. miyeon had her back turned to minnie, gazing at her own reflection as she did her skincare. her hair held back by a my melody headband minnie purchased for her, miyeon patted her cheeks delicately, spreading the moisturiser across her face as minnie watched on.

"i am not giving you the cold shoulder, i'm answering, aren't i?" miyeon replied coolly as minnie resisted the urge to roll her eyes at miyeon's smart mouth, "what do you want to pick a fight about now?"

"i am not here to 'pick a fight'," minnie mumbled exasperatedly, "i just want to talk."

"about what?" miyeon hummed calmly as she runs her fingertips along her perfect cheekbones.

minnie hesitated immediately, freezing momentarily as she began to second-guess herself. was she reading too much into things? was she reading between lines that weren't even there? miyeon seems eerily nonchalant, but maybe it's because there truly isn't anything to worry about?

"w-well...when i came home, you...um...y-you didn't greet me," minnie cringed internally at how pathetic she sounds, like a petulant child whining for attention. "and...well, while we were watching the drama just now, you...didn't really...like...wanna be close to me? like you just...kind of...i don't know, s-sort of acted like i wasn't there?"

"it's nothing," miyeon answered so swiftly the answer sounded almost pre-rehearsed, causing minnie to deflate at how easily miyeon dismisses her concerns.

'"y-you sure? 'cause if i did something to make you upset, i'd like to fix it," minnie added earnestly, practically vibrating with eagerness to appease her girlfriend, "you can tell me, miyeonah, really. i want to know if and how i can be a better girlfriend."

"it's fine, min." finally, miyeon turned around to face her with the sweetest, most endearing smile on her face as she smiles at minnie. naturally, minnie melted instantly, feeling her knees grow weak at the sight of miyeon's soft, patient smile.

"you positive?" call her paranoid, but minnie just wanted to be extra sure that everything really is alright, because she can't get rid of this gut feeling gnawing away at her that something is wrong.

"affirmative," miyeon replied softly, hands intertwining with minnie's as she pulled a startled minnie down for a soft, loving kiss. minnie widened her eyes almost comically, still feeling butterflies whenever miyeon kissed her. especially when miyeon initiated the kisses.

miyeon smiled softly. and all minnie could do was smile back, ogling miyeon lovingly.

"a-alright," minnie beamed from ear to ear proudly, nuzzling miyeon's cheek with her nose, "i love you." 

"i love you too." 

"maybe i shouldn't have trusted her so easily. i should've trusted my gut, i-i should've known that something was wrong..." minnie trails off despondently, cursing her past self for falling for miyeon's reassuring smiles and comforting words. she should've gone with her gut, should've known that not everything was as it seemed. "i should've known that just because she said everything was okay...doesn't mean that it actually was."

"are you psychic?" soojin deadpans, "how would you have known?"

"still...even if i couldn't ascertain that something was definitely wrong, i shouldn't have gotten so...comfortable. i got so...complacent, maybe, treating her callously because i thought it was okay," minnie sighs longingly everything really makes more sense in retrospect, "i'm stupid for that, i know, and i will hate myself forever for treating her worse than she ever deserved."

"minnie unnie..."

"i-i know i messed up, god...of course i know that. it's obvious. i could've had it all, really. i almost...almost had it all. and now what do i have left to show for it? nothing. all i am now is just...someone of her past. but i, fuck, i don't just want to be someone she's going to forget about!" minnie cries out desperately, nearly slamming her phone down in frustration. "i want t-to be that special somebody...f-forever. i don't want to just be a memory...especially not a bad one, please."

everything hurts. it physically hurts as she listens to how insane she sounds, how desperately she yearns for the girl she is to blame for losing. minnie wants to...god, she doesn't even know what she wants to do. she wants to scream, but her throat already feels raw. she wants to cry, but tears don't even prickle in her eyes anymore, even when she gets so agitated, so worked up.

"n-no, forget it," minnie mumbles quietly, "i-i'm fine. i-i'm fine on my own, see? i'm doing...yeah, i'm doing pretty well for someone who feels like they just died and came back to life. i think i'm faring great actually!"

"minnie..." soojin's voice borders on alarming concern but minnie just laughs it off, smiling forcefully to herself.

"nothing is bad! nothing is good, sure, b-but there is nothing bad! isn't that good?"

please. please say it's good.

minnie's legs have a mind of their own. she finds herself getting up from the sofa abruptly, gripping her phone tightly as she staggers towards her bedroom. minnie's knees go weak once she reaches her bedside, legs no longer able to carry the inexplicable weight she is burdened with as of late. soojin is saying something, but minnie cannot hear her as she kneels down on the floor, mind hyperfixated specifically on executing this one task.

with one hand still pressing her phone to her ear, listening to soojin's laboured breathing on the other end, her other hand gropes around blindly, grasping around for something. her knuckles bump into something solid and she doesn't curse, but rather smiles. there it is.

hooking her fingers around the corner, minnie pulls the box from out under her bed with whatever little coordination she can still muster in her inebriated state. thump. she falls back on her butt dazedly as she drags the box, which is really more of a trunk, out from under her bed.

she revisits this more often than she'd like to admit. she's been like this lately, she can't really help herself. so sue her for being sentimental, really.

she tells herself it's natural, she has to open it every now and then to keep it from getting too dusty, you know?

the box itself doesn't look particularly eye-catching externally, it's just a boring white box from ikea. but it's what's inside that beckons minnie like a sailor to a siren's call, a moth to a flame. its unassuming exterior pales in comparison to the unignorable summoning of its contents.

"ah...h-here it is," minnie whispers brokenly, trembling fingers tracing the lid of the box. her touch is feather light, so gentle, filled with trepidation as if the box will crumble under her touch if she touches it too roughly, presses too callously.

you never know something will break until it does.

"minnie."

minnie's fingers halt their gentle caressing, she'd forgotten soojin was still on the other line, her phone resting between her cheek and shoulder.

"mm?" minnie mumbles distractedly, staring at the box in quiet reverence.

"you...you good?" soojin asks nervously as minnie lets out a dry bark of laughter, "what're you doing?"

"reminiscing," minnie answers softly, shyly. she stares at the box longingly, gently opening it as she stares at the contents of the box. an assortment of trinkets collected over the years, ranging from love letters to handmade crafts, rest in this one box. a collection of memories over the years, a tangible reminder that what blossomed between her and miyeon is more than just a figment of her imagination.

it's real, so real.

even if it's over, it's still real.

"it might help to talk about it," soojin posits quietly, "instead of just...letting yourself get lost in the past."

minnie runs her fingers over each and every item, a small smile tugging on her lips. no matter what happened between her and miyeon, at least she can lull herself to sleep at night with the knowledge that they were real. that a long time ago, miyeon loved her.

her eyes fall on a small disposable camera, a blue one with a beautiful gradient exterior. it's one of those silly one time use ones so really, there's not much point keeping it around, but it's the sentimental value that prevents minnie from throwing it away. it's for decoration, it's harmless, it doesn't take up much space, minnie keeps justifying to herself but really, she knows why she's holding on to it.

her fingers freeze, brushing over the flimsy plastic exterior.

"aren't you going to throw it away? you've already sent the film for developing, no?"

minnie glanced up from where she's laying flat on her back, head in miyeon's lap as miyeon caresses her hair. minnie momentarily stopped her fiddling with the small camera, looking up at miyeon curiously.

"throw it away? why?"

"the box said one-time use, no?" miyeon questioned innocently as she threaded her fingers through minnie's jet black hair, untangling knots as minnie, ever dramatic, shifts around and whines that she's tugging too hard, "unless i misread the instructions when we got it out of the box?"

"no, yeah, it is one-time use," minnie clarified, running her fingers over the shutter, "but that doesn't mean i have to throw it away."

"so you're a hoarder?"

"i'm sentimental, darling," minnie retorted smartly, rolling her eyes playfully as she looks up at miyeon. there's no malice in her tone, just love. she ogled her gorgeous girlfriend openly, a stupid smile plastered on her face as she takes in miyeon's beautiful, stupidly perfect face. she's so lucky...her girlfriend is so hot.

she looked down at the camera in her hands, contemplating miyeon's words. it would probably be more practical to throw it away, but minnie's never been the practical sort. subconsciously a smile crept onto her face as she thought about the live they did together a few weeks ago, on valentines' day no less. how she'd subtly proudly shown off her camera and her girlfriend all at once when taking pictures of her stunning girlfriend on live.

miyeon looked extra cute that day, minnie smiled as she thought back to their live. miyeon had wanted to spend valentines' day with their fans, while minnie was moping around, whining for miyeon's full attention — so this was their compromise. minnie spent most of the live swooning over miyeon anyway, so she was pretty satisfied with the outcome.

she'd been extra desperate to finish the roll of film so she could see the adorable picture of miyeon looking all snuggly and cozy like a human marshmallow, probably save it as miyeon's new profile picture on her phone or set it as her wallpaper or something.

it was easy to finish the film anyway, she had the most stunning muse to orbit around.

"it doesn't serve any actual purpose now that there's no more film in it..."

minnie rolls her eyes fondly once more — miyeon is so hot...but so...unsentimental sometimes.

"so? not everything has to serve a pragmatic purpose, don't you think?" minnie replied curiously, eyeing miyeon's expression closely. miyeon hummed in response, gently undoing another knot as minnie jerks her head dramatically, to which miyeon responds by gripping her head a little more firmly, readjusting minnie's position. the complaints die on the tip of minnie's tongue as miyeon gingerly repositions her head so minnie's laying more comfortably on her thigh.

"i suppose, but don't the pictures you took with the camera serve to preserve the same memories?" miyeon answered calmly, fingers gently detangling minnie's messy hair. minnie whines a bit more, incoherently mumbling under her breath as miyeon shushes her, rather crudely, by slapping her hand over minnie's mouth good-naturedly. "ya!" miyeon groans , narrowing her eyes at minnie when minnie sticks her tongue out to lick miyeon's palm, "you're gross."

"so what? i'm your girlfriend, you can't find me gr— hey!" minnie shrieked indignantly when miyeon wipes her saliva-coated palm on minnie's sweatshirt, "get your hands off me!"

"well that's a first," miyeon could barely hide the smug smirk plastered on her face as she said that, causing minnie to widen her eyes comically, cheeks flushing, "you've never said that to me more. you usually say quite the oppo—"

"okay, enough!" minnie whined frustratedly, her cheeks suddenly feeling as though they were on fire, "you're so...gross."

'"you can't find me gross, i'm your girlfriend."

"smartass..." minnie sulked petulantly, side-eyeing a very smug miyeon, "you're annoyinggg!"

"shush, you," miyeon shushed her swiftly, index fingers pressed to minnie's puckered lips as minnie, about to protest, finds that her words die in her throat, "let me untangle your hair. why do you toss and turn so much when you sleep?"

"says the one who wakes up half-dangling off the bed..." minnie mumbled sulkily, playing with the camera still gripped tightly in her hands, "you see? i'll associate this memory with this camera, even though i can't take any pictures with it."

"you sentimental dummy..." miyeon sighed fondly, caressing minnie's cheek with the pad of her thumb, "it's one of the reasons why i love you, really."

minnie perked up like an eager puppy at that, she still felt like a schoolgirl every time miyeon said she loved her.

"yeah?" minnie was practically vibrating with excitement, "one of many reasons why you loveee me?"

"i didn't say 'many'," miyeon replied coolly, causing minnie's excited smile to drop instantly, "i have maybe like...two reasons."

"TWO?!" minnie can't hide her distress as she practically screamed in miyeon's ear, jolting indignantly out of her girlfriend's lap as miyeon instinctively leaned away, covering her ear in disgust, "you better be missing a couple of zeroes behind that number!"

"one: you're stupidly sentimental," miyeon elaborated, that stupidly, annoyingly hot smirk slapped on her face still, "and two...you're like a little lost puppy sometimes, so easy to pacify, aren't you?"

minnie gawked at miyeon, mouth opening and closing like a stupid fish. 

damn it, she can't even deny it.

"is she right?" minnie ponders aloud, pursing her lips together, "am i stupidly sentimental? is it...illogical to cling on to remnants of the past?" 

"i think it's a matter of perspective," soojin offers quietly as minnie continues gently running her fingers over the camera — gotta make sure no dust dirties it, minnie reasons mentally — while listening, "i mean, i don't think there's anything wrong with looking back at the past. we make memories for a reason." 

"but am i clinging on so tightly that it's bordering on unhealthy?" 

"that's a question only you can answer," soojin replies swiftly as minnie groans inwardly, she really should've expected that stupid answer. it's definitely not an answer she wanted to hear, because the voices haunting her head are loud enough as is. she doesn't particularly like the conclusion her mind has drawn. 

"huh," minnie muses rather unamusedly as she looks down, fingers tracing over the peeling stickers covering the camera, "I...i don't even know what to say if i'm honest, i just...i miss her greatly, you know? we're still friends, we're still always around each other...but it'll never be the same again."

"i get it," soojin confesses quietly, "i...it's hard to watch something that you thought would last forever...vanish right in front of your eyes." 

all minnie can do is nod grimly as she grips the camera tighter, tighter, sighing softly. 

"i just feel like...i'm going crazy," minnie whispers brokenly, "i just don't understand why i feel this way. it's been months, she's probably moved on ages ago and yet...here i am. but...why? what is wrong with me? why am i...still like this?" 

"there isn't a deadline by which you have to move on, you know," soojin advises gently, "moving on isn't linear either. and cut yourself some slack, really...you guys have serious history." 

"i know," minnie sighs defeatedly, "but still...i just feel so...foolish sometimes. like...having all these memories stashed away, like...why do i keep doing this? why do i keep...torturing myself like this? it's like a fucking pandora's box...i shouldn't open it and i know damn well what's gonna happen when i open it...but i still do. i open it over and over again like i'm scared things'll go missing or that...i don't know...my memories will fade or something. is it wrong? am i crazy? god, i must be crazy." 

"woah, slow down," soojin interjects gently, "minnie unnie, please." 

"i-i can't, i'm just...i'm still like this. d-do you think she is too?" 

soojin can't answer and minnie can't blame her. minnie can't answer that either. the only person who can answer that is the one person minnie isn't sure she wants to hear from. it's complicated, everything is. 

minnie's heart throbs, it physically hurts, honestly. she's been talking herself so much to cope with her sadness lately that having the chance to talk to soojin right now has set her head off spinning. hearing another outside perspective chiming in on something she's tried so hard to keep to herself is definitely doing a number on minnie. 

her heart feels like it's hollow, really, it feels empty, as if lacking something. or rather, someone. 

for some strange reason, she just can't let miyeon go.

if miyeon could do it to her, why can't she do the same? 

"i miss her," minnie croaks out lamely, "what the fuck, soojin...i miss her. s-so fucking much, what the hell!? what's wrong with me?!" 

"unnie, you're human, of course you miss her. she was your first—"

"yeah, i fucking know that! but come on! if she's not like this...w-why am i? is it because i'm not her first? 'cause i'm...just...one of those insignificant people that she'll just forget about on her journey to the...real one she's destined for? that's fucked up! s-she's...everything to me...how can i just be...something?" 

"minnie unnie, just be a little nicer to yourself, please," soojin pleads softly, "it's just...you just have to remind yourself that...what's done is done. you can't reverse time, no matter how badly you want to." 

"it's fine, yeah," minnie swallows thickly, "yup, yeah...t-that's good. i'll be good, yeah...it's okay. it's normal, yeah, like you said...to not be okay. i just...miss her a lot, and that's perfectly normal, hey?" 

"yeah..." soojin concurs quietly, "you're only human, unnie. you'll...just get used to it over time, okay?" 

"y-yeah...y-yeah, that's...t-that's right!" minnie nods far too eagerly for someone who feels like her insides are being jumbled up, "i'm used to it, i'll get used to it." 

before soojin can say anything, minnie jerks up when she hears a knock on the door. 

"i gotta go, someone's at the door. might be the delivery...i ordered pizza," minnie carefully but hurriedly puts her belongings back inside the box, shutting the lid as she pushes it back under the bed. "i'll call you another time, alright?" 

"take care, minnie unnie," soojin whispers softly, "okay?" 

"alright, love you," minnie smiles faintly as she puts the phone down, "bye." 

"ugh," minnie groans she gets off the floor, cursing herself a little for not paying extra for those fucking heated floor tiles because her knees now feel like they're made of ice as she staggers to her feet. she sighs, lumbering around as she smoothens out her clothes before dragging her exhausted ass towards the door. 

the winter's definitely doing a number on her, it's freezing outside and even inside, in the warmth of her apartment, the icy cold feels like it's still permeating through the thick walls. the winter reminds of miyeon's heart actually, she has to chuckle morbidly at that, hilarious. 

how she wishes it was spring again. 

it hasn't even started snowing yet, and that's really the only part of a bitter winter that minnie looks forward to. the frigid cold that comes without the refreshing beauty of falling snows just...sucks. it just stings, if minnie's honest, as she sighs while walking past the frosted windows. 

minnie draws the curtains shut, taking her time to walk towards the front door.

if miyeon was here, minnie would be moving a little faster. "i'll race you!" miyeon would've squealed while already running ahead in her fluffy bedroom slippers while minnie would rush after her, not to win, but to make sure she didn't slip in those hazardous slippers. while they're cute, miyeon's definitely taken a tumble or two in them before and minnie wasn't ever about to risk that. 

but! miyeon isn't here. so minnie's dragging her sorry ass towards the front door, fumbling for loose change in the pockets of her hoodie as she hopes a monetary compensation will make up for her lack of urgency.

but nothing could've prepared her for the shock shooting straight down her spine when she opened the door. 

"sorry, um...thanks for the—" 

minnie looks up while still scrambling for small change when her hands go limp, flopping to her sides immediately. her jaw goes slack, her knees feel like they're about to concave, it's not an understatement that it feels like the ground underneath her's just cracked open. 

because minnie is no longer alone. she's getting her biggest wish, or worst nightmare, as she looks at the girl standing in front of her. 

"hey there, space cadet."

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