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That’s not all that determines this thing called ‘love’, y’know?
Ichinose’s words resonated with him, deeply at that. He had felt a sense of relief hearing that from his senpai. Hearing those words had been like light shining in an enclosed box where particles had been scattered, dispersing the entropy within and causing his feelings to become aligned as if they were waves.
With those words in his heart, he didn’t have to worry about anything else. He had been so fixated upon the idea that ‘love’ could only be defined as a physical concept that he hadn’t considered the other option - that ‘love’ could be defined as something that wasn’t akin to gravity. That ‘love’ could be something softer, something that wasn’t reliant on physical contact to feel - that ‘love’ had been a concept that came so naturally to him that he hadn’t even realized the force had been acting on him.
So, it was the same, huh.
Everything he had felt - the pride he felt being able to see Kagiura give it his all, the happiness of studying together every morning, the desire to do everything he could to make Kagiura’s life as comfortable as possible, the fact that just being around Kagiura made him do his best in everything he did - culminated into three (four, if you count the honorific) simple words:
I love Kagi-kun.
The realization wasn’t like a dam overflowing. It was more like drinking a cup of hot cocoa, the warmth and sweetness spreading throughout his body. His heart didn’t suddenly beat faster, his blood sugar didn’t spike. He felt completely normal - at ease, if you will.
Yet, he couldn’t help the stupid smile that bloomed on his face as he ran to the area he knew Kagiura would be. As he had expected, Kagiura was in the gym, eyes sharp with focus and passing the basketball around with the hands of a seasoned expert in the sport. Hirano quietly stepped inside the gym, making his way to the bleachers on the second floor of the gym, eyes glued to Kagiura’s tall figure running around the court.
Even with the four words that had taken a deep root inside him, his heart did not stutter with overwhelm nor did he feel heat rise to his face upon seeing Kagiura. All he felt was a thrum of pride seeing Kagiura play the sport he so deeply cherished.
In Hirano’s mind, the two of them had always been vastly different in the way they did things and expressed their feelings. Kagiura was direct and honest while he was a lot more tactful and tended to follow logic. And thus there had been a clear boundary, one that he didn’t think they would cross one day.
Hirano had unconsciously categorized the sides of the boundary into the following: romantic love and something that was ambiguously liminal. The unintentional cognitive partitioning that acted as a defense mechanism for him - a self-made mental blockage that had him convinced he didn’t feel the same as Kagiura was what prevented him from understanding and accepting the emotions that he truly felt.
It was different now. The block had crumbled because Hirano had come to terms with the fact that, while the love he felt wasn’t the same as Kagiura’s, it could still be labeled with the term ‘love’.
There was no other word that could explain the immense joy and pride that was bubbling up inside him as he watched Kagiura score a clean basket from the three-point line on the court. He cheered alongside the rest of Kagiura’s class at the successful shot.
Kagiura truly was a god on the basketball court.
Kagiura turned around at the cheers, looking up and locking eyes with Hirano, face filled with pure excitement and joy. Hirano felt his chest tighten a little - not from sole admiration but more so from the feelings of affection that had built up over time, stored inside his chest as if it were kinetic energy waiting to turn potential.
He had slipped out once the game had ended and was currently behind the gym, leaning against the wall. Predictably, Kagiura’s class had won the basketball game and Hirano couldn’t have been prouder, as if he were the coach rather than just a simple spectator.
“Hirano-san!” Hirano turned his head just as Kagiura came into view, wearing a smile that was far more blinding than the light of the sun. “We won!”
“Yeah, I saw,” he reached out a hand to ruffle the taller’s head before he stopped mid-way. Right… He remembered with a jolt. I already used up my ten seconds. Suddenly, he wished that the ten second rule never existed in the first place. “Well done, I’m proud of you.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, raising his head to look at the sky.
Ah, the sky’s cleared up… There were a few tufts of white here and there in the expanse of the sky but it was no longer clumped in gray like it had been earlier that day. “It’s a good thing the weather cleared up-”
“Hirano-san,” he lifted his head, having been cut off by Kagiura, only to be met with the sky being clearly reflected in those jade eyes.
Hirano wouldn’t say he felt trapped being the focal point of Kagiura’s vision. Rather, he felt enchanted. There was just something about the color of Kagiura’s eyes - a green so pleasing, the sort that he could easily get lost in if he stared too long.
“How long have you been staring?” He muttered, wanting to avert his gaze but finding that he couldn’t, forcing himself out of his trance. There was a flush of red on his cheeks as his fingers fidgeted with the hem of his cheerleading coat.
“It’s hard to look away when the sky compliments you,” Kagiura answered honestly, the sunlight causing the reflection in his eyes to shine.
Ah… Hirano felt his fingers dig into the fabric of his coat, his heart filling with so many emotions that he thought the organ would come bursting out of his rib-cage at any given moment. Why do I feel like this over a simple compliment?
“The same could be said about you,” he retorted swiftly before his brain could catch up to what was falling out of his mouth. Shit, now I’ve gone and done it.
Kagiura’s eyes grew wide - not with contempt (Hirano doubted those soft jade eyes of his could ever hold hate), but with surprise. “Hirano-san…”
“It’s not a lie.” Hirano mumbled gruffly, the redness on his cheeks appearing a lot fiercer. “The sky suits you more than it does me.”
His eyes settled on a bush, lush and blooming with cyan colored hydrangeas, the remnants of raindrops from the rain earlier in the day shimmering as the rays of sunlight hit the water droplets. From the way the bush was bending with the weight of the flowers, it was as if the plant was teeming with emotion.
I want him to tell me that he loves me. But more importantly, I want to tell him that I love him.
The words wouldn’t form. The four simple words that could change their lives remained firmly lodged within Hirano’s throat. He wanted to reply to Kagiura’s feelings sincerely and honestly. Yet it was as if a rose stem had wrapped around his heart, the thorns pricking at him as all of the worries that he believed had disappeared were crashing over him again.
How can I make sure that I’m valuing his feelings?
He was a man of logic, standing and following everything that love wasn’t. Love wasn’t stable - it was like quantum, ever changing, constantly shifting.
A guaranteed instability.
There was no way for him to ensure stability. There was no saying whether their relationship would last - because with his dream and Kagiura’s dream, it seemed near impossible to maintain it.
Love was a quantum.
And because it was a quantum, there was no method he could use to predict the path it would unfold.
“Kagi-kun,” his voice was quiet, brittle, still holding the rough edge it usually contained. The sky had just cleared for him, so why did it have to turn gray again? “I-” The rose stems were squeezing his lungs, the thorns so close to slicing his throat.
All of the emotions he was feeling for Kagiura were threatening to kill him.
“I know you’re valuing me in your own way,” Kagiura interrupted, seeming to sense Hirano’s inner turmoil and moving a step closer. “I’m satisfied with that.” Hirano could read between the lines - for now had been left unsaid.
Hadn’t Kagiura said those exact same words back in the laundry room?
Oh. Hirano’s heart hurt as he realized the message Kagiura was trying to convey: ta ke your time. I’ll wait.
That was the root of everything, wasn’t it? The constant waiting around the clock, the fact that Hirano took so long to realize. In all honesty, he wondered how Kagiura hadn’t run out of patience yet.
The days changed, time moved on, and within all those shifts were variables that remained ever-present, constant. The little things that wouldn’t change no matter what occurred. The sun would continue to give light to the world until it became a supernova, the seasons would follow the continuous cycle and life would continue.
As such, there would be a constant, something that would be under his control, even in a variable as unstable as love.
He would wake up and see Kagiura sleeping on the bed across the dorm room. He would watch Kagiura practice basketball in the courtyard from the classroom windows. He would wake Kagiura and await the boy’s return at night. The two of them would study together on the floor, sharing stories and complaints alike. They would argue and fight - a given in any sort of relationship - but that only made their understanding of each other deepen.
With a shudder, Hirano exhaled - because the only constant in his life had been Kagiura.
And he had come to rely upon the controlled variable that was Kagiura. There had been times where his mind had drifted away from studying to think of what Kagiura would be doing at that moment. And when the stress of being an honor student had caught up to him, just seeing Kagiura’s face, even hearing his voice, would alleviate his stress and motivate him to continue giving it his all.
You can’t think of anyone else but me.
Kagiura - who had always been there for him, never crossed any boundaries set between them. The Kagiura who had managed to sneak his way into and secure a pedestal inside Hirano’s heart. His Kagiura, who was dedicated and just as much of a crybaby.
He had loved Kagiura since the beginning.
That was the whole, undeniable truth.
The gray clouds that had returned to obscure the clarity of the sky were now dissipating. It was as if the fog had lifted, for good. The thorns around his throat loosened and the pain he felt in his chest began to fade. It was easier to breathe now.
“Kagi-kun,” he called out, all of the affection and love he felt for the boy pouring into his voice. “C’mere,” he waved his hand, beckoning for Kagiura to come closer.
The two of them had been through so much together. So many memories had been created that Hirano could never forget. Regardless, they would continue to live. The desire to continue living alongside, to continue loving Kagiura wasn’t exactly something that could be framed into a singular declaration, and thus, the words refused to fall from Hirano’s throat. But that was fine, he had never been someone who was eloquent with words.
Kagiura tilted his head in confusion but obeyed, stepping closer so their shoulders were nearly touching. He watched with curiosity as Hirano reached out a hand towards the bush, neatly plucking out a hydrangea, some of the raindrops sliding down the petals and dropping to the ground.
“Here,” Hirano held out the cyan flower for Kagiura to take. “It suits you.”
Instead, Hirano let the flower become his mouthpiece, expressing the feelings that wouldn’t escape his chest. He knew that if anyone would understand the implications behind his actions, it would be Kagiura.
“Thank you very much,” Kagiura cradled the flower in his hands as if he were handling glass. “I’ll be sure to treasure it.”
Hirano glanced at Kagiura, who seemed to be trying to commit every contour of the flower to memory. Then his head snapped up, his jade eyes were incandescent, appearing a shade brighter in the sunlight. He looked just like a dog who had been given treats.
Being faced with that expression, Hirano instantly knew that Kagiura had decoded the purport.
“I know you’re taking my feelings into consideration in your own way,” Kagiura’s tone was steady and reassuring. “So please don’t think you have to put in a whole lot of effort, because this-” he glanced at the cyan hydrangea in his hands. “Is more than enough.”
“It’ll take me a while to say it,” Hirano murmured, a small smile on his face. He still couldn’t form the right words. “So I hope you’ll give me some time.”
The grin that broke out on Kagiura’s face at the actuality that the feeling he had yearned so long to be mutual was finally reciprocated as he had hoped for, was bright enough to power the entirety of Japan. “Take all the time you need, I’ll be waiting.”