Work Text:
Among the Matsuno brothers, there was an unspoken rule not to question the things Jyushimatsu did, due to Jyushimatsu being Jyushimatsu.
However.
“Choromatsu-nii-san, don’t forget it’s your turn to walk the dog today,” Todomatsu called from the entranceway. He was putting his shoes on, already dressed to go out, probably with the goal of becoming a fake real person by spending time with his fake friends. But, Todomatsu’s laughable riajuu fantasies were not Choromatsu’s primary concern at the moment.
“Hold on. What did you just say?” Choromatsu said slowly, and even put down the magazine he was reading to give Todomatsu a pointedly disapproving look. Todomatsu, of course, didn’t even notice.
“I said, don’t forget it’s your turn to walk the dog--” Todomatsu began.
“We don’t have a dog! Are you seriously referring to--”
As if on cue, Jyushimatsu came bounding down the stairs on all fours, and tackled Choromatsu to the floor on sight before licking wet stripes up his face. He was dressed in that awful fursuit, and now had a collar and leash on as well.
“Jyushi-- Jyushimatsu!” Choromatsu spluttered. A quiet snicker came from Todomatsu’s direction, followed shortly by the distinct clicking of the camera app’s shutter sound effect. Choromatsu felt his face heat up in frustration and embarrassment. “Jyushimatsu, stop!”
Jyushimatsu quickly leapt off of him, and crouched down with his hands between his legs, imitating a dog’s sitting posture. His tongue lolled out of his mouth, and he was panting loudly. Somehow, and to Choromatsu’s great unease, the tail was also wagging.
“Why?” Was all that Choromatsu could manage to say. He looked to Todomatsu for some kind of reassurance, but the younger Matsuno seemed totally undisturbed. “No, seriously, why?!”
“Why what, nii-san?” Todomatsu replied without looking up from his phone.
“Why is Jyushimatsu still acting like this?! It’s already been a whole week since we last did a skit featuring this costume, but he still hasn’t taken it off!” Choromatsu said, pointing an accusing finger at Jyushimatsu. Jyushimatsu wilted at Choromatsu’s tone, his ears drooping as he gave a sad little whine.
Todomatsu frowned, and reached into his man-purse to pull out a dog treat. Immediately brightening, Jyushimatsu trotted over to Todomatsu and plopped down in front of him, straightening his back while holding his large front paws before his chest. Todomatsu placed the treat on Jyushimatsu’s muzzle. He wriggled in anticipation, going cross-eyed as he stared intensely at the treat.
“Stay, Jyushimatsu… stay… okay, now shake.”
Jyushimatsu put his paw in Todomatsu’s hand. Todomatsu beamed at him, and tapped his muzzle with his other hand. “Good boy! Okay, you can have it now.”
Jyushimatsu snapped up the treat.
“Stop enabling him!” Choromatsu shouted, visibly annoyed.
Todomatsu merely sighed. “Nii-san, why are you always like this? No wonder no one likes you.”
“How am I the bad guy in this situation?!”
“Anyway, I’m going out now. Bye!”
Before Choromatsu could get another word in, Todomatsu had escaped and slammed the front door shut.
Jyushimatsu looked at Choromatsu expectantly.
“We’re not going for a walk.”
Jyushimatsu whined.
“Jyushimatsu, stop making that sound.”
Jyushimatsu whined louder.
“Stop it. Stop it! Bad dog!” Choromatsu immediately slapped a hand over his mouth when he realized what he had just said. Jyushimatsu barked. Choromatsu made a strangled noise of pure frustration.
-
Choromatsu had decided to go back to reading his magazine. Jyushimatsu could just… do whatever. He wasn’t really a dog, and it wasn’t really Choromatsu’s responsibility to take him for a walk. It probably wouldn’t be long before something, or possibly someone, else came along to ruin the peace, anyway.
“Weeee’re hoooome!” Osomatsu shouted with his usual exuberance. “Hoooo boy, did we ever win big today! Hey, I bought beer to celebrate, you guys! Guys?”
“It appears the only one here is our dear Choromatsu,” Karamatsu said, peering into the main room. “Which means!” He snapped his fingers. “More alcohol for the three of us!”
“Um, no, Jyushimatsu is here too.” Choromatsu corrected. Jyushimatsu barked to affirm this.
“Do not be silly, my brother! Dogs do not imbibe in the sweet nectar of man!” Karamatsu said confidently. He took his sunglasses off and paused dramatically. “Otherwise, they would be… man-dogs.”
“Even though that doesn’t make any sense, it’s actually sort of true in this case?! And Jyushimatsu, you’re really okay with not drinking?” Choromatsu asked, glancing slyly at Jyushimatsu. As expected, Jyushimatsu looked extremely conflicted, and began trembling violently as he stared longingly at the six-pack in Osomatsu’s hands.
“Ehh? Are you stupid? Dogs can totally drink beer. It’s chocolate they can’t have. Here you go, Jyushimatsu!” Osomatsu tossed Jyushimatsu a can. Jyushimatsu leapt up caught it in his mouth, which prompted both Osomatsu and Karamatsu to applaud.
Choromatsu threw his magazine onto the floor in frustration.
Soon, the the three eldest brothers were seated around the table, laughing and carousing, while Jyushimatsu was hunched over on the floor nearby, lapping up his own drink from a large bowl. It was a scene that was so close to being normal, it was surreal. Choromatsu was barely listening as Karamatsu recounted the tale of how they had chosen the winning racehorse that day. Actually, Osomatsu wasn’t listening either. And neither was Jyushimatsu.
“And that was when I knew!” Karamatsu exclaimed. He was striking a pose and had one fist clenched in the air before him.
“Can you stop that?” Choromatsu said, sounding irritated. Karamatsu blinked in confusion, halting his actions, but Choromatsu was speaking to Osomatsu.
“Eh? Stop what?” Osomatsu asked innocently. He was petting Jyushimatsu on the back in broad strokes.
“The whole... dog… roleplay… thing! With Jyushimatsu!” Choromatsu ground out. There was no immediate response, and Choromatsu gripped his hair in frustration. “Why am I the only one who thinks it’s weird?!”
“Dogs are great, aren’t they?” Osomatsu eventually said, completely failing to even register Choromatsu’s complaint, it seemed. Choromatsu banged his head against the table.
At least there was alcohol. They continued drinking, and Karamatsu might have said more things, but they were all ignored anyway. Evidently in a good mood, or possibly just in order to annoy Choromatsu, Osomatsu started ruffling the fur along Jyushimatsu’s neck and cooing, “Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes, you are!”
This earned him an excited bark, and Osomatsu enthusiastically continued the play-talk as he scratched Jyushimatsu’s head. Exasperated, Choromatsu could barely school his features into a stern enough frown to direct at Osomatsu, and when he briefly glanced at Jyushimatsu, his expression immediately fell. He could feel the sweat beading on his forehead. The tail... was wagging again.
“Can someone at least explain the tail? How is it... moving?” Choromatsu blurted out. Two brothers and one “dog” all simultaneously turned their heads in his direction to stare grimly at him in silence. “E-eh? Did I say something wrong?”
“My brother… it is folly for man to think himself above the gods,” Karamatsu said enigmatically. He smirked into his drink.
“What does that even mean?”
“Ahahaha, Choro! You nasty!” Osomatsu laughed, clapping Choromatsu on the shoulder. “I always knew you were the most pervy one!”
Choromatsu nearly choked on his drink. “Ehhhh?!! Then, it’s really…?!” His eyes quickly darted between Osomatsu and Karamatsu, but neither would meet his gaze. Jyushimatsu had gone back to lapping away at his beer, seemingly oblivious to their conversation, even though he was a human being who could obviously understand human speech and thus knew exactly what the hell they were talking about. The tail wagged on. Choromatsu’s face turned a deep red.
“Well, to be honest with you, we don’t know either. It’s just another one of those Jyushi-mysteries.” Osomatsu shrugged. “But, you totally just thought about something gross, didn’t you? Hahaha!”
Choromatsu took a deep breath. Without explanation, he stood up and exited the room. Loud yet somehow kind of pathetic-sounding screaming ensued for several minutes, accompanied by the occasional crash, bang, or thud.
“Hm. It sounds as though Choromatsu is crying out from the very depths of his beautiful soul.” Karamatsu announced. “Perhaps we should go and join him! What do you say, my brother?”
The door clicked shut. Karamatsu looked up and noticed he was alone.
-
“Ugh! Why are they so stupid?! Why am I the only sane person in the house?!” Choromatsu complained to the bartender, who stoically paid him no heed. He had walked several blocks away from the house in no particular direction before realizing he was actually pretty close to the neighbourhood pub, whereupon he decided that he definitely needed another drink.
“Seriously, why am I the only one suffering? What did I do to deserve this, huh?” He slammed the empty glass onto the table. “Hey, bartender! Another!”
Wordlessly, the bartender refilled his glass. Choromatsu took a deep swig before exhaling dramatically and mumbling, “I just don’t understand.”
“You’re more annoying than usual today,” came a cutting voice to his side.
“Haah?! What did you just say?!” Choromatsu said angrily, turning around in his seat so quickly that his chair nearly tipped over. He managed to grab a hold of the edge of the counter in time, and resteadied himself. Of course, he had already realized he was pretty buzzed, but this only fueled his desire to lash out at whoever it was that had insulted him. Who was it, anyway? Choromatsu turned again, more slowly this time.
Ichimatsu had taken the seat next to him, and crouched on the floor next to him was Jyushimatsu, who was still wearing the fursuit. The color slowly drained from Choromatsu’s face.
“Choromatsu, this is the only time I’m gonna say it: you need to chill.” Ichimatsu said. He waved the bartender over. “Two of whatever you’ve got on tap, and put it on this guy’s tab.” He motioned to Choromatsu. The bartender nodded and dutifully handed them their beers. Ichimatsu then pulled out a dog bowl out of seemingly nowhere, and poured Jyushimatsu’s drink into that. Jyushimatsu barked excitedly as the bowl was placed before him.
“What the hell? Pay for your own drinks!” Choromatsu growled. “And furthermore, that gag with the bowl was already done once! What the hell is wrong with Jyushimatsu, anyway?! Ichimatsu, you’re usually with him right? Why is he still acting like a dog?!”
“See? This is exactly what I’m talking about.” Ichimatsu said, blatantly dodging the questions about Jyushimatsu, but Choromatsu didn’t press the matter. He was far more annoyed that Ichimatsu had the guts to openly criticise him. While idly petting Jyushimatsu behind the ears, Ichimatsu continued, “It’s funny when you try to act all serious, but there’s a line, you know? And if you cross that line, you’re just annoying.”
“I’m pretty sure not wanting to pay for my shitty little brother’s drinks doesn’t cross any lines!” Choromatsu snapped.
“It’s not about paying for me or not paying for me,” Ichimatsu said. “You just don’t get it, do you? Well, whatever. It’s not my problem.”
“You’re being vague on purpose,” Choromatsu said accusingly, but couldn’t keep the anxiety out of his voice. Was he really crossing a line? He didn’t want to be seen as… annoying. That couldn’t be true, could it? Choromatsu stared down at the glass between his hands, and noticed his vision was becoming unfocused and blurry.
Jyushimatsu whimpered quietly below the counter, nudging Choromatsu’s foot with his muzzle. This caused Choromatsu to jolt upwards in surprise and slam his knee into the table, and he gripped his leg with one hand as he gritted his teeth to stop himself from making any pitiful noises. A kind of pathetic-sounding grunt came out of him anyway.
Next to him, he could hear Ichimatsu snorting with laughter. Another whine came from Jyushimatsu, and finally, with a long-suffering sigh, Choromatsu reached down to stiffly pat Jyushimatsu on the head exactly twice. Jyushimatsu barked happily in response and nuzzled against Choromatsu’s hand.
“See? It’s fun, right?” Ichimatsu said, nudging Choromatsu with an elbow. “Just go along with it. It’s better this way.”
“I suppose so,” Choromatsu said hesitantly; he wasn’t exactly certain what Ichimatsu was talking about anymore. He gave Jyushimatsu another tentative pat on the head. Jyushimatsu responded eagerly, and licked his hand. Choromatsu swallowed thickly, but refrained from saying anything.
“Want to feed him a treat? I have some with me.” Ichimatsu egged him on.
“Sure…?” Choromatsu said. “No, hold on. Weren’t we talking about something much more serious just now? I--” He paused and bit his lower lip when he saw the dark expression on Ichimatsu’s face. Choromatsu coughed awkwardly. “... I mean. Nevermind.”
Ichimatsu gave him a small encouraging nod, then said, “He can do all sorts of tricks, too. Jyushimatsu, play dead.” Jyushimatsu rolled onto his back and was motionless. Ichimatsu grinned. “See?”
“Well yeah, obviously he can, considering he can actually understand what we’re saying!” Choromatsu said without thinking. Ichimatsu gave him a look. “Oh my god, I can’t. I can’t just not say anything. It’s just...”
“You’ll get there eventually,” Ichimatsu said encouragingly. Choromatsu hated that he actually felt vaguely comforted by it. What the hell was he even trying to prove?
“Let’s just go home,” Choromatsu muttered, and pulled some crinkled bills out of his pocket. He did not have the mental energy or the sobriety needed to continue the conversation.
On the way back, Jyushimatsu took a leak on a telephone pole. Choromatsu could feel Ichimatsu’s judgmental gaze burning into his skull, waiting for him to react in his usual, straight-laced fashion. However, instead, he abruptly unzipped his pants, and started to take a piss too.
It was gross. People on the street were pointing and whispering.
“... Ichimatsu-nii.” Jyushimatsu said. “I think you broke Choromatsu-nii…” Jyushimatsu looked over at Ichimatsu, who had yet to reply. “Ichimatsu-nii?”
Suddenly, Ichimatsu scooted over to Choromatsu until he was standing directly behind him, and began petting his hair gently and whispering into his ear, “Good boy, good boy…”
“Ehh?! What’s this? What’s this?” Jyushimatsu bounded over to the two of them. Choromatsu was red all the way to the tips of his ears, and looked like he wanted to die. Ichimatsu was making a lewd expression as he continued to pet Choromatsu. For some reason, Jyushimatsu started to pet Choromatsu too, rubbing his big paw against Choromatsu’s head in circles. “Good boy, Choromatsu-nii! You’re a good boy! That’s great, isn’t it!?”
Then the police arrived and arrested them all.
THE END