Chapter Text
The day Thomas Lawrence resigned his position as Dean, a new life opened up for him. An empty life apparently, waiting to be filled. But a new life whatsoever.
Novelty came in hand with fear, but also with a sense of freedom he had never experienced before. Despite the anxiety caused by the whole situation, the quiet moments of the day had a serene sensation of rightness. He had been chasing this feeling for a long time, and although the last conclave and the election of Pope Innocent had helped him restore his faith, it still felt like there was something missing.
He felt closer to God but far away from his earthly existence.
What he’d experienced during his cancer diagnosis and treatment had been the first warning, the first alarm. It’d been a difficult time and introduced him to uncertainties about his present and past that had been asleep for the last forty years.
It changed him, it changed his way of seeing life and the world. It was easy to think that the tumultuous events of the conclave —the aftermath of it— would have helped him to regain his old confidence in life choices, but it hadn't. Honesty was a fundamental trait that Thomas proudly carried, it wouldn't be fair to himself to ignore this need, this curiosity for another life.
Just like he had taken charge of his doubt, now he needed to take charge of his needs.
There was a voice inside his head telling him he had been impulsive and reckless in resigning so soon after the conclave. But this voice fell silent everytime he had breakfast in the balcony of his new apartment, where the sunlight reflected softly on the walls. It fell silent when he watered the few plants that decorated his window. When he bought light coloured clothes for the first time in decades, replacing his usual black shirts and pants. During each walk in the piazza two blocks away from his apartment, and when he observed people on the streets doing mundane things: walking around, playing with their kids, having dates.
It felt silent every time Aldo visited him and stayed for dinner. In every conversation where they didn't have to make an effort to separate their friendship from work, where he could be just Thomas, the friend.
Now he felt part of the world, the decision feeling less of a burden and more of a calling. The world was calling him and he, for once in his life, was answering.
***
Going out for drinks had been Ray’s idea. He had arranged the date and place, choosing a bar midway between Vatican City and Thomas’ place. Thomas was grateful, he could never have organized it, simply because he didn't know any bars or similar establishments in Rome. Or in any other part of the world for that matter. Ray wasn't his secretary anymore but it seemed he still was ahead of things and organizing his meetings .
The evening was chilly, Thomas was wrapped in a thick coat, but he still felt the palpable humidity pierce his bones uncomfortably. Winter wasn't his favourite season particularly, but getting through it hadn't been so challenging this year. Winter had been almost gentle with him.
He was the last to arrive, just five minutes after the time they — well, Ray — had settled. This earned him a greeting joke from Aldo. Ohh, look who is here. A couple of months away from work and his punctuality is lost!
They were on a four seater table, Aldo in front of Giulio and Ray. Thomas had to sit beside Aldo, with Ray in front. The disposition was instinctive and felt right, but what implicated didn't go unnoticed by him. It looked like they were seated as couples. And well, Ray and Giulio were actually a couple, so for them to sit together Aldo and Thomas had to necessarily sit beside each other.
This development in their relationship was, of course, a secret. They hadn’t told anyone about it. Not even his friends. It’s not like Thomas spends a lot of time thinking about the love life of people, but never in a million years would he have thought that Ray and Sabbadin could get along well, much less that they could be involved in a romantic relationship.
However, he was not naive. He could see the change in their dynamic, the lingering glances, the time spent together. A romantic relationship between members of the Church had to have a specific shape. Not only because of the secrecy they would had to maintain, but because they were men of God. They belonged to God.
Thomas wondered how they had managed to balance their vows with having an actual relationship. With another man. Men of God , both of them. He just couldn’t fathom how they made it work, but apparently it worked. The slight pang of jealousy that filled his chest at this observation was an uncomfortable presence which he tried to shift away, replacing it with joy. Joy for his friends, who had found a unique form of happiness inside the tall, ancient Church’s walls.
Attempting to bury all these thoughts in some remote part of his brain, he just focused on sitting down, greeting his friends and appreciating the pleasant warm air of the bar.
***
The night moved along between wine and conversation. They filled him in with the latest news and gossip from the Curia. Idle gossip used to be terribly tiring for him when he was dean, but now it was almost… fun? He wasn't that interested in knowing everything that was going on in the Vatican and mostly asked them about their own work and the Holy Father, but knowing wasn't a burden anymore.
At some point, Ray went to fetch another bottle of wine. Aldo and Giulio were having a heated argument about the next presidential election in Spain, of which Thomas barely knew about. The days of reading the papers every day and having people inform him of every single political event happening in the world were in the past. His morning duties now included making breakfast and feeding a cat.
They were discussing the next election's candidates and Thomas was listening, but didn't really care. He was more focused on observing them both as they exchanged opinions and views.
He watched how the low, warm light of the bar reflected on Aldo's brown eyes. He was moving his hands so fervently as he spoke that he didn't notice Thomas’ intense stare. Thomas knew every move and twitch of his hands by heart, how his tone of voice changed depending on the words he said, the exact movements of his fingers when fixing his glasses on his nose. Being this close to him, Thomas could feel the heat emanating from his body.
Ray came back with a bottle of wine in his hand.
“Sorry to interrupt, I brought the offerings.” Smiling, he pointed to the bottle of wine and served each of their glasses.
“Thank you.” Sabbadin’s voice sounded small. “Well, I'm going for a smoke.” He took his glass and made eye contact with Ray who, without saying a word, left the bottle on the table and followed him.
Thomas and Aldo watched as both men went outside the bar.
“What an example of nonverbal communication.” Aldo said with an ironic but gentle tone.
Thomas chuckled and took a sip of his glass. “They sure have mastered it.”
“Mhm. I'm happy for Giulio. He's... calmer. Did you see him just now? He left in the middle of an argument! I'm still shocked.”
They both laughed. Thomas was truly happy for their friends too. “Who would have thought they’d end up… together?”
“Well, it was obvious.” Aldo affirmed. “They’ve always looked at each other with that–” He vaguely gestured his eyes with his fingers. “That look .”
Thomas instantly flushed and looked down. Aldo was clearly referring to a particular look. Suddenly he felt self conscious.
“What?” I look at him with a look. Did he recognize it? “What look?”
“You know. Like a conversation with their eyes. It's very telling.”
“Oh.” Thomas wanted to fake cluelessness to cover up his fear of being discovered, but he found himself actually surprised by his friend's observation. “I see it now, but I hadn't seen it before. In the last months, yes, it’s been obvious. But before that? ”
Aldo chuckled, shaking his head, and took a sip of his glass.
They sat at the table for a while, chatting about all and nothing. Aldo was now facing him, knees touching and his face closer. They kept drinking, the wine bottle at their disposal. When Thomas started to feel his body lighter, he decided to stop drinking. This lightness not only intensified his body perception of space, making him feel like the atmosphere of the bar was closing around them, but also his perception of touch. And Aldo’s whole leg was now flushed with his, generating a comfortable heat in his whole body.
Or maybe it was just the wine.
No. It was Aldo's closeness. He knew the difference.
Aldo was giving him his opinion on an article he had read and Thomas was attentively following everything, until he wasn't. Until he got frustrated because the lights of the bar reflected on his friend's glasses and covered his eyes. He couldn't see them. Then his attention went to Aldo's lips, which were moving and were just there, inches away. The music was louder, so Aldo probably got closer to be heard. Thomas had an impulse to get even closer, and not exactly to listen better.
“You aren't listening to a word I’m saying, aren't you?”
Thomas was abruptly pulled away from his thoughts. What?
“Oh. Um. Yes, I’m listening.”
He was met with a shrewd look. “You’re so bad at lying! And more so when you're drunk, you're just transparent.”
Thomas did feel transparent. “I was distracted, but I listened to most of it”
Aldo answered something with a bright smile, but Thomas couldn't make out what he was saying. Was the music louder? Or were his senses that unfocused?
“What?” He pointed at his ears. “I can't hear you.”
Suddenly he was surrounded by Aldo. His friend got so close, mouth near his neck, a hand on his thigh for support. He felt his heart beating hard in his chest, it was louder than the music.
He was weak. The feeling of closeness was too grand to be supported by his old, wrecked body. And he felt so small. His drunkenness made him forget his poise, he wasn't in control of his body.
Aldo's mouth was still just inches from his. A hand burnt in his thigh. Probably just a second passed, but it felt like an hour.
“I said, I know how you get when you're drunk, so don't worry.”
Thomas frowned. His mouth was, just like Aldo’s, so close to his neck. He got even closer and spoke in his ear. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, you know. You get all distracted and clumsy. Nothing like the normal, well respected ex-cardinal Lawrence.” Aldo’s breath was hot on his ear. His nose brushed his cheek and he felt hot all over. He couldn't distinguish if it was the wine, the touch of another body or the sudden shame of it all.
“I do not!”
He did.
He knew he did but he wasn't going to give Aldo the satisfaction of being right on something that felt so personal. He felt seen, the rigidness of his sober body was so evident that now, having had just a couple of glasses of wine, the difference was abysmal.
He should have eaten something before coming to the bar.
“Yes, you do. I'm not criticizing, just stating a fact.”
Aldo turned his head and looked at Thomas softly in the eyes. They lingered like that for a moment.
The bar was crowded, the lights still warm and low. The music — some eighties song he barely knew— sounded even louder than before. This wasn't the ambience he remembered from when they entered the bar, but it was cozy and comfortable. He wanted to stay there forever, close to Aldo, touching him and breathing around him.
Thomas knew they were too close and wondered how they were being perceived from the outside. All these people, passing through the tables, next to them. What were they thinking?
Did they look like friends? Close friends? Did they look like a couple?
For a second, he hoped they did.
He wasn't used to feeling so many sensations racing through his body. But now, his skin was vibrating and his thoughts were fused in a delicate tangle. It felt like he was letting go of something deep integrated in him, something that had never seen the light of day, but now was free, poking around his insides.
He smiled, the short bickering of a minute ago forgotten. A sense of tranquility, like a weightless veil, infiltrated every fiber of his body.
Quietly, Thomas reclined his neck until it was resting on Aldo's shoulder, the smile still plastered on his face. Is this how freedom feels like?
Aldo was startled for a moment but stayed still. Thomas felt intoxicated. Everything was Aldo, all around him. His smell, his touch, his view.
He was at peace.
Out of pure neediness, in what felt just like a whim, he turned his head a bit more to the side and let his mouth and nose fully touch Aldo's neck.
He inhaled the scent of his skin and immediately felt goosebumps on his cheek. Aldo's neck was tense, and his skin was in the same state. He was tempted to leave a kiss. So tempted. He wouldn't do it, but it’d be so easy.
“Thomas.” Aldo said softly.
He saw from the corner of his eye that Aldo had suddenly looked to his side. Thomas moved his head slightly and saw Ray standing next to their table with a confused expression.
It was like a bucket of cold water, Thomas separated from Aldo as fast as he could –which wasn't that fast, the movement so sudden that he lost balance. His head was spinning. God, no.
Thomas hid his face in his hands. The mortification, the exposure in front of Ray in the middle of such an intimate moment didn't help the dizziness he now was feeling.
He wasn't relaxed anymore. Now he was just tired and full of shame. What are you doing Thomas? You are not a teenager anymore. In fact, you're just an old man. Act like it.
“Is everything alright?” Ray asked hesitatingly.
“Yes, it seems our friend here drank too much wine, isn't that so?” Aldo looked at him with a playful but restricted look. Nothing like the glance he had given him moments ago.
Thomas was still covering his face. He was cowardly watching Aldo through the space between his fingers, not daring to make eye contact.
“I'm fine.” He turned to Ray, still covering his face. “Don't worry.” He said wanting to dismiss him.
“Okay…” He glanced in the direction of the door a little guiltily. “Um, we are leaving. Do you need anything? I can call you an Uber.”
“No, no. It's okay, thank you.” Thomas replied quickly, not letting Aldo have any word on the matter.
“Okay…” Ray still hesitated and Thomas wanted him gone. Now. Spare me the embarrassment. “Well, bye then. Please drink water, Thomas.”
“I will. Thank you, Ray.”
***
Aldo and Thomas walked from the bar to his apartment in a silence so thick and awkward that made the quiet night seem loud. Thomas didn't have the energy to do anything about it. The cold nightair helped him a bit with his drunkenness, but he still was dizzy and tired.
The feeling that something had changed that night was unshakeable.
Thomas tried not to think about the embrace they had shared tonight. It wasn't an embrace, I just threw myself at him. He had never touched his friend's skin in that way, anyone's skin for that matter. It had been desperate and needy but, as much as he struggled to admit it, he had wanted to do it and would do it again, if his friend let him.
It hadn't been just the wine fuelling his actions, which was a scary realization.
Aldo entered the apartment after him, gently closing the door. Thomas went straight to the bathroom, watered his face and brushed his teeth. He felt like hell itself had emerged from the ground and was now placed on his head. The bed still felt too far away, though he was just a few steps from it.
Once laid on the bed, he closed his eyes and felt his body relaxing. At least.
Suddenly the bed started to spin. Or was it his head? The first thing he saw as he opened his eyes again to shake the whirling feeling was Aldo's silhouette entering the room.
“Come on, you drunkard.” Aldo said with a kind smile. He approached Thomas, and slowly took off his shoes. After he placed them on the floor, he softly clutched the bottom of his sweater.
“Arms up.”
Thomas complied, sitting up a bit and raising his arms while Aldo, who now had propped a knee on the bed for support, removed it. Once he was out of the sweater, Thomas found himself fully seated, face to face with Aldo.
They were very close again, eyes fixed on each other, and all of the sudden time seemed to stop.
The desperation, the need, the desire of touching his friend's skin once again invaded Thomas altogether, without a shadow of a doubt. It was now or never.
Just when Aldo was about to stand up, Thomas closed the distance in a rushed move and kissed him on the lips. He closed his eyes and, this time, it definitely was impossible to tell apart the alcohol dizziness from the elation of the moment.
He felt a hand on the side of his face, caressing his jawbone, and when he was about to open his mouth to turn the simple kiss into something else — What else? What is the next step? What is one supposed to do? —, the hand on his cheek delicately pushed him away.
“I wish you had done that sober.” Aldo said casually, with a beautiful smirk. Thomas wished he had done so too, but was too tired to feel ashamed. He could feel his eyelids threatening to close.
“I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. Rest now, okay?”
The last thing Thomas remembers doing is nodding with a weary smile. Aldo deserved to know that, despite his obvious physical distress, he was so very happy. And that smile was the only thing his tired body managed to do at the moment.
He longed for Aldo to feel the same happiness.