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“Fina!! Chica, how are you?!” Marta froze in her spot. Glued to the floor in the stockroom, hand still on a bottle of lotion and her fingers clutching the inventory sheet. She couldn’t breathe.
“I am doing well! How are you girls?” Fina’s voice cut through Marta like a hot sword. It took her breathe. The emptiness in her stomach now a burning hole. She felt nauseated, light headed, panicked. She heard Fina’s words muffled by a shoulder hugging her, heels softly clicking on the floor as they jumped in excitement. “It’s been so long. I’ve missed you girls so much!”
“Fina, you have to tell us everything. What brings you back? You look so good!” Claudia’s sweet voice elated. Marta held her breath.
“Well I needed to visit my father. But that’s tomorrow. Today I needed to see my girls! I can’t believe how long it’s been. I’ve forgotten what you two look like!” The familiar ringing returned to Marta’s ears. She felt a cold sweat form over her hands.
“It’s the same here. More about you. How is France? How is the sightseeing? Oh I have to get you to bring me a...” Their words died in Marta’s ears. The ringing becoming unbearable. She had gone to France. She knew as much. She had asked Carmen not to tell her but where else would she go? She was destined for France. France was destined for her.
“Claudia, the weather… it’s beautiful. Even the rain is beautiful. It’s different. Not as hot. But I didn’t realize how much I missed this place until just today. Everything looks the same!” Marta felt heat rising in her throat, her eyes stung, her lungs would not expand for enough breath. She felt suffocated. She kept her heels as silent as possible and quickly moved past the back entrance to the store. She needed to get air. Anywhere but here.
She stepped into the courtyard, taking a breath. Marta felt trapped, panicked, overwhelmed. She walked through the grounds of the factory, forgetting the familiar paths, forgetting where they lead, escaping the all too familiar feeling of absolute devastation that hearing Fina’s voice brought her.
“Ok so we are definitely going to catch up. I have to let you get back to work. I will come see you girls in the morning and then dinner tomorrow night. Sound good?”
“Perfect” Carmen responded.
“Of course, I can’t wait,” Claudia squealed.
“Good. And um… just to be polite, is um… is Dona Marta here today or, is she… away… I thought I’d just check in at her office. Unless that would be out of place… I’m not real sure what the protocol is… for this.”
Fina caught sight of their quick glances to each other but had no time to question it before Carmen answered.
“Oh, I um… I think I have seen her around. She is here. But I am not sure where. I don’t know either if its…. Do you think that’s a good idea? I don’t want anything to ruin… what time you have here.”
“It’ll be fine, I hope. I am a big girl. I’d rather not be rude. I’ll stop by her office and just say hi.”
“Oh she isn’t…”
“That’s a good idea!” Claudia interrupted. Carmen glanced at her with a questioning look. “Her office is a good place to start.”
“Thanks girls.” She pulled each of them into a three way hug. “Gosh I’m so glad to see you! And drinks tomorrow, ok? I can’t wait.”
Fina padded out of the front entrance of the store turning right to head toward the offices. Carmen rubbed her temples while Claudia smiled at the door and Fina’s retreating form. Carmen glanced back toward the door to the stockroom. “Claudia, join me for a quick prayer…”
Fina stopped to take a deep breath just outside of the door to the office. She brushed her hands over her skirt, then pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. And she knocked.
“Enter.” A man’s voice. Her heart sank. She hadn’t planned to interrupt a meeting, wasn’t sure if she could hold her composure in the presence of others. She feared what her presence might invoke. What others thought of her, now. She turned to walk away, hoping the people on the other side of the door forget about her almost-intrusion. But the door opened to reveal Andres. He was standing in front of her, a pen in hand, his tie slightly loose, no coat. His hair slightly disheveled with a look of annoyance on his face. But when the realization of Fina’s presence hit him he smiled softly. “Serafina!” He pulled her into a tight hug. “My goodness, how are you?”
“I’m well, I’m well. How are you, Andres?”
“I wish I were as well as you.” He retorted with a groan. “Something about this office drains the life from my soul.” Fina looked beyond him, hoping to catch a glimpse of Marta. But the room was empty. “What can I do for you, Fina? You’re here for the anniversary tomorrow, right?”
“I am, yes. I needed to bring some flowers and make sure the old man doesn’t think I’ve forgotten him.”
“Very well. I know M… I think that’s a great idea.”
Fina eyed him. “I was actually hoping to say hello to Marta. That’s why I came to the office." It was now Andres who eyed her with a look she could not place. Pity? Confusion?
“She isn’t here. She um… she spends most of her time in the store. Have you checked there? I know the girls would be elated to see you.”
“I just came from there, yes. They are. Thank you. Well anyway, I am sure that I will see her around. But it was good to see you, Andres. I’ve missed you.”
“You as well, Fina. I hope to see you later. Maybe after this mountain of paperwork and endless phone calls stop. If ever.” Fina smiled at him sweetly but a hint of confusion still in her mind.
Marta listened at the back door to the stockroom. The store was no longer filled with squeals of delight and the velvet voice that once lulled her to sleep. She stepped back into the stockroom, glancing as far into the store as she could without being visible through the door. Carmen and Claudia were back at work, no Fina in sight. She let out a small breath of relief and silently took her clipboard, intent on finishing inventory as quickly as possible in case she returned. She took a few breaths, tried to focus, and closed her eyes at the memory of the perfume that once filled her room, her sheets, her soul. She breathed in deeply, feeling both a warmth and an emptiness in her stomach. It smelled intoxicating, too familiar, too…. strong.
“Marta.” She froze. Again. Feet unable to turn. Her voice behind her. Her perfume real and here and not in her memory. “Marta, it’s me. I was looking for you.”
Marta turned slowly. Her eyes finding Fina with one hand on her hip, a long skirt, a tight button up shirt, a light sweater. Her hair longer and seemingly darker. Her eyes glimmering and small smile on her face.
“Fina.”
“I was looking for you earlier. I checked your office. How are you?”
Marta couldn’t speak. She opened her mouth, her eyes fluttering around the room.
“I uh… I was here. Inventory.” Marta looked to the clipboard in her hand, holding it up to Fina as some type of proof. Awkwardly. Uncomfortable.
“I was just in the store, didn’t you hear me?” Marta was caught. She stammered.
“Uh no… well I was outside too. I left. But then I came back. …Why are you here?” Fina felt a familiar sting of reproach in Marta’s voice. There was no kindness in Marta’s eyes. She was different. Fina tried to lighten the mood of their interaction, not wanting to cause any unnecessary discomfort.
Fina started with a smile, “Oh, well I just stopped by to see the girls. Tomorrow is… well I’m sure you remember. That’s why I am in town, but here specifically, I just wanted to see how everyone was doing. I missed this place!”
Marta furrowed her brows briefly, trying to make sense of her tone. “I see. Good. Well I know the girls are happy to see you. I hope your stay is welcome.” Fina grew annoyed at the formality.
“Ok… well I also wanted to see you. But it looks like I made a mistake. Sorry, Marta.” Fina turned to walk out of the back door and Marta’s shoulder’s sagged, she felt physically heavy, weighed down.
“No. I’m sorry. I think I’m just a little surprised. I am sorry for my tone.” Fina stopped and turned back around, both hands on her hips.
“Thank you. I just wanted to say hi. Check in. Be polite. I didn’t want you to think I came here and avoided you.”
“I’m glad you did. Really. Its just a little bit of a shock.” Fina understood, but the formality and novelty of this Marta felt uneasy. Too foreign. Fina feigned joviality again.
“I was thinking about stopping by the…your house later. The house in the mountains. Just for old time’s sake.” Marta couldn’t hide the grimace that crossed her face.
“Ok… sure. You can go anytime.”
“Will you be there?” Marta hoped the question would not come. Because she would not be there if she could avoid it.
“If that would be better for you, I can.”
“Of course, Marta. I’m not going to walk around your home with you not there like some kind of burglar. How about later tonight? Unless you’d prefer not. Its not a necessity. Just a whim I had. No pressure.”
“No, its ok. I’ll be home around 5. Maybe a bit before.”
“Great,” Fina said with a smile. “And Pelayo? I’d like to tell him hello as well.” Marta narrowed her eyes. Fina’s carefree nature unnerved her. It felt foreign. Hurtful.
“No, it’s just me tonight.” Fina breathed a short sigh of relief, unknown to Marta. Nothing about her wanted to see or hear Pelayo. She hated the thought of him even occupying Marta’s home. But she had no authority to ask Marta to excuse him from his home as well. Not for Fina.
“Oh well, just as well. I’ll stop by later. Can I bring anything?” Marta felt her cheeks flushing, her anger rising in her throat. She hated this side of Fina. The side that seemed oblivious to Marta’s racing heart and clenched hands, her inner turmoil was surely written all over her face.
“No. Thank you.”
“Ok. See you, Marta.” She turned on her heels and left, her skirt slightly billowing with the wind created by her quick retreat. Marta braced herself on the shelf, breathing hard and slow through her nose. She looked up just to see Carmen in the doorway of the store with empathetic eyes. Just as Marta’s began to show tears, she lightly handed her clipboard to Carmen and brushed past her toward the door.
“Finish this when you can. Please. I’m sorry.” Carmen watched her retreat, a feeling of worry and guilt washing over her. As happy as she had been to see Fina, she knew that Marta was barely able to keep herself together on the best of days, much less with Fina back like a whirlwind.
---
“You are my priority.”
“I don’t want to be with you anymore, Marta. I don’t care about you business dealing or the Merino’s or Don Pedro. I am fed up!”
Fina rushed to the back of their home. Marta sat in stunned silence, fighting back tears as she tried to breathe. Marta replayed Fina’s words. Marta knew to allow Fina time to calm down but minutes turned to hours which turned to days before she would come around.
---
“Breathe, Fina. Here, sit down. Breathe.” Fina laid back against the sofa, Marta running worried hands along her arms and hair. The attacks have become worse. Fina unable to breathe, clutching onto Marta is if her life depended on it. Because she felt that it did. “I can’t, Marta. I can’t” Marta helped her slow her breathing and wiped the tears from her temples as she lay back, eyes wide and fearful.
---
“I refuse to do this, Marta. Pelayo will never let you be free. This marriage was supposed to benefit all 3 of us but he cares nothing about our plans, our freedom, our time. And you, you allow it!” Marta had wanted so many times to say that she never wanted the marriage to begin with. That she did it for Fina. Only because Fina asked her to. She did it for Fina and she was torn between everyone who needed something from her, demanded things of her, expected more of her. Required more. She pushed the thoughts down, knowing how harsh her resentment could be. Not fully willing to feel anything other than protection and adoration for Fina. Fearful of the fragility of what she and Fina had, and scared that Marta’s emotions might be the match that burned it all down.
---
“I can’t fucking breathe here. You hold me like youre trying to keep me from falling apart and then you walk out of that door and you make decisions and allow things to happen that cause me to fall apart. Are you doing this on purpose, Marta? Are you doing this so that I’ll need you? So that you can have something to take care of?"
---
“I am leaving and don’t you dare try to stop me. I deserve more than this, Marta. I could have had more than this. I don’t even know why I stayed in Toledo. Everything told me to leave. I should have gone.” Marta crumbled at her words. Because they hurt. But because they were true. Fina should have left. She should have gotten as far away from Marta and this village as possible.
“I understand.”
“You understand?! You understand?! You understand that I am going to walk out of this door and never come back and you will have lost the person who loved you more than anything. More than your family, more than your husband, the person who needed only you.”
“Fina, you’re not healthy here, you’re not happy here.”
“And why is that, Marta?” Marta knew all too well the answer. But she could not stomach the response.
“Because of me.”
“No, Marta. Because of what you can’t do. What you won’t do. You wont stand up to Pelayo, you back down against your father, you left me in the store for weeks with that man who destroyed my life. And you tried to make ‘take another perspective’. Your perspective, Marta. That’s what you wanted me to take. That’s all you care about. What is good for you and your business. Your reputation.” The words felt wrong but Marta had no better truth to offer.
“Tell me what I can do.” Marta had no more tears to shed. She was sullen, tired, withdrawn. She felt the weight of Fina’s unhappiness on her shoulders. It was the only thing that she could not bear. It was the only thing that would allow her to set Fina free.
“It’s too late, Marta.” What was left of her soul ripped to shreds at the words. Because Fina was right. It was too late. Too much damage had been done. Fina turned picking up three bags, gathering them in her hands and rushing toward the door.
“Wait.” Marta saw Fina’s head drop. But she stopped. She waited. Marta opened the drawer next to the sofa and pulled open a book, taking an envelope from its pages. She left the book discarded on the sofa, the drawer open, her fingers trembling. She stepped to Fina, placing it in the opening of one of her bags. “It will help you get where you’re going.”
“I don’t need your money, Marta.”
“Please…. Just take it.” Marta could not meet her eyes. She stepped back, wringing her hands and wiping them on her skirt. “Please.” She missed the sadness and betrayal in Fina’s eyes. But the look would have been familiar.
“Anything to make you feel better, Dona Marta.” The bitterness in her voice broke Marta’s resolve. She blindly felt for the sofa, sitting, eyes fixed on a spot on the floor, waiting. She saw out of the corner of her eye that Fina turned back toward the door, Marta let her gaze drift up just in time to watch her move through it, and shut it behind her.
Marta stares at nothing, reliving the last of the arguments that ultimately lead to Fina walking out of her home and out of her life. She has gone over every word, every hitched breath, every movement since she left, cursing herself for words left unsaid, action left untaken. Usually until sleep overtakes her. But tonight she is startled from her memories by a turning of the handle on her front door. The unlocked door opened a fraction of an inch and then shuts silently, followed by a soft knock. Standing from the chair, Marta walked to the door, steeling herself with a breath before opening it. There stood Fina, in the same dark skirt and light blouse with a flowy open sweater that she donned at the factory. Marta stepped aside and nodded for her to enter.
“It looks like you’ve seen a ghost,” Fina breathed. “Are you feeling ok?” Marta nodded. “Are you sure? You’re pale.” Fina took a step toward her with an air of familiarity that was too….casual… too familiar…. raising the back of her hand to Marta’s head. Marta stepped back seeming to brush off her advance.
“I’m fine. It just gets cold here. You remember.”
“Well yes, but… its quite warm for November actually…”
“I’m fine, Fina.” Fina’s eyes dropped to the floor, placing both hands back at her sides, restless.
She entered the rest of the room with a curious gaze, taking in the house. Marta saw her take a deep breath, seeming to take in all that she saw.
“Ok. …ok. Sorry.” Fina appraises the room. A bouquet of flowers on the end table catching her eye. She smiled. “For me? You shouldn’t have” Joking, pleasant. Too carefree.
Marta stammers “You uh… you can certainly have them. I picked them this morning. They are for… well they can be yours. I was going to take them to the grave tomorrow.”
“The grave?”
“Your father. I was going to take them in case you couldn’t make it in.” Fina stared. A change in her eye that Marta could not place.
“I would have come for my father, Marta…I didn’t just abandon….” She stopped, letting out a deep breath, pursing her lips and turning her eyes to the floor. It was anger. Marta should have known the look. Hurt and anger.
“I know. I know… I didn’t mean… I just wanted him to have something. In case you couldn’t. I did not mean anything by it. I would have brought them anyway.”
Fina softens, turning away again. “It’s like nothing changed Marta.” Marta is not sure if she is talking about the house or their angry, hurt accusations and miscommunications. “Except this…” Fina touched the edge of the picture next to the flowers. A picture of herself. A black and white photo a bit too small for the frame, Fina, sun on her face, looking up with eyes closed. A picture from when she was younger, a young adult. Probably from her father’s things in the de la Reina home.
“It’s one of my favorites,” Marta breathed softly. “You can have it if you would like.”
“Stop trying to give me all your things, Marta” Fina tried to say with a laugh. It came off a bit too bitter. “I didn’t come for tokens of your home. Or your money for that matter.” Much too bitter.
“I’m sorry,” Marta’s voice was impossibly soft. And broken.
Immediate regret set in but being unsure of how to recover, Fina was not able to meet her eyes. She looked out the back windows, seeing the sun setting on the land and garden. A garden in late bloom, autumn flowers still standing tall, soon to be dulled by the winter night chill
“Is someone keeping up your garden? It’s beautiful.”
“I am. I found seeds like the ones that you took back to the colony before the wedding.” Fina’s memories flashed to her hands hastily creating the bouquet from those flowers. The bouquet Marta held in her hand as she stood next to Pelayo. The bouquet that Fina created to express everything she could not say that day. With the promise to plant many more. Marta kept that promise.
“When do you have the time? It’s… perfect.” Marta stood in uncertainty of how to answer. Still feeling the sting of Fina’s indifference.
“It doesn’t take much time” she lied. “I um… I know you said to stop trying to give you things but before I forget, there’s a necklace and a black dress still in the room. The necklace is in the jewelry box and the dress is in the closet. They’re yours if you need to take them back.”
Fina’s brow furrowed, her heart beating just a little too loudly.
“In the closet? Didn’t you put it away?”
Marta was silent for several seconds. “I couldn’t.” Fina felt her stomach twist, a harsh flutter, the same she felt each night as she pulled Marta’s nightgown closer to her face each night in her new room. Sadness mixed with longing. She stiffened and rolled her shoulders back, not allowing herself to linger in the pain.
“You bought that dress. For the opera. I didn’t feel right taking it. But I can’t imagine Pelayo is a big fan of reminders of me in his home.” Her words were bitter again. Too harsh for the circumstances. Too harsh for Marta. Fina knew it.
“He doesn’t know.” Fina spun around before the words fully sank in. As the realization hit she was already looking at Marta. “He doesn’t live here.”
“What?”
“He doesn’t live here, Fina. A lot has changed. He is in Barcelona. I think. Madrid, maybe.” Marta shook her head, eyes falling to the floor. “I’m not sure. But he isn’t here.”
“What happened?”
Marta narrowed her eyes, a feeling of incredulity rising in her throat. She swallowed hard, not having the energy for accusations or fight.
“Request to annul.”
“What? How, Marta?”
The questions were starting to suffocate her. With so much to say but so much standing in the way she felt that she would not be able to hide the emotions and hurt affecting every word, every decision that she made, every change that she faced. Alone.
“On grounds of refusal to bear a child.” Fina’s face showed a mix of emotions, none of which she could place.
“He wanted you to have his children?” Fina’s eyebrows knit together, her eyes narrow.
Marta realized that her vague response raised more questions than they answered. She quickly tried to explain.
“No, no. But it was the easiest way to get the marriage annulled. It let him save face and move on.” Fina looked confused still.
“But you know what people have to say about women who… who don’t want children.”
“Well I don’t want his children. And I don’t care what is said. It doesn’t matter anymore. A man who wants a family is good for politics. It’ll work for him.”
“But for you… why would you do that?”
“The marriage was never for me.” Marta responded a bit too loudly. Fina felt the pang of guilt rise in her belly, a familiar ache around her heart, turning to a sting behind her eyes. “There was no point. I didn’t benefit him anymore and it didn’t keep y…. it just didn’t make sense anymore.” Marta spoke her whole explanation into the space aside Fina, not able to meet her eyes but feeling too pathetic to continue looking at the floor. Fina itched to comfort her, clearly recognizing her face of defeat and of pain. Instead, she stood motionless.
“How are you, Marta?”
Marta pauses for a moment too long. “I’m fine, how are you?”
Fina felt the heat rise in her chest and behind her eyes again. But this time it was a feeling of frustration. The reminder of what she lost in front of her.
“We can’t even be honest with each other anymore, can we?”
“We can. I just don’t know. I am just…. I don’t know what to say.”
“Simple question, Marta. How are you? How have you been? I am asking genuinely, not with whatever motive you think I have.”
The conversation was quickly turning tense and Marta could feel it. Fina felt that she was being closed off; Marta felt that she was being too casual. It made her feel small, insignificant. It highlighted her inadequacies.. Her inability to show up, her inability to love, her inability to move on. “I barely know anything about you anymore; I just want to know how you are.”
“Why are you asking?”
Fina exasperated “Because you’re still you, Marta. And I am still me. And I want to know how you have been. It’s been 6 months.” As if she needed reminding. 6 months. 182 days.
“Then you answer first. How have you been?” Marta countered.
Fina scoffed, “Will that change your answer?”
“Yes.” She was resolute. Assertive. Honest. Vulnerable. Fina seemed to think about her answer.
“Ok, then what if I say I am fine? That I am happy?”
Marta paused. Eyes locking with Fina’s for the first time that night. “Then I’ll tell you that so am I. I’d give you a hug and tell you that that was all I ever wanted. Despite what you think of me, I have only ever wanted you to be happy. And if you are, then I will be too.” Fina was taken aback by her answer, feeling a weight settle in her stomach at her next question.
“And what if I tell you that I’m not happy?”
Marta paused again, not breaking eye contact. Her bright blue eyes shining a little brighter with the beginnings of tears. Collecting just inside her lower lid, her nose blushing a light pink. She set her jaw, raising her chin a fraction of an inch.
“Then I’d tell you that for me, its still May 15th. And everyday I am still on that sofa, watching you leave with your bags in your hand. That I am lost. That I can’t escape it. That every day that has come after has been the same reiteration of the day that I lost everything. I wake up every day with an emptiness inside of me. And that I no longer know who I am if not yours.” The tears gathered heavier in her eyes, refusing to fall.
The stinging behind Fina’s eyes growing. “Marta…”
“So now you… how are you really?” Marta pushed on, refusing to see the pity in Fina’s eyes. Refusing to again become a source of her pain.
Fina paused for a moment. Her eyes remaining on Marta’s. Her hand clenching and unclenching at her sides.
“Like I left the only part of me that I ever loved in this house 182 days ago.” Silence enveloped them. Marta dropped her eyes, betrayed by the tears freely falling.
“I’m sorry, Fina.” Fina shook her head sharply, taking a deep breath, resolute to not stay in the sadness and to not drag Marta further into it.
“No apologies. So how is work” She cleared her throat donning a showy smile. “Has Dona Marta risen to power again?” The words stung Marta but she immediately noticed the genuineness. Where she expected bitterness and bite she found none. She looked at Fina quizzically. She then cleared her throat.
“No, there were some changes. I am taking a more hands-off approach. It suits me better. Let the men fight it out in the board room.” Fina’s eyes betrayed her calm and she looked shocked.
“What? Marta, that was your dream.”
Marta was quick to respond. “I thought it was my dream, Fina. But it wasn’t.”
“No, there’s still time. They will ask for you back. You will be back in that director chair again.” Fina tried to sound encouraging and supportive. Despite her sadness at her own words.
“They didn’t push me out. I sold my shares. I don’t want any part of ownership anymore.”
“What? Why? When? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Marta chuckled, “That’s a lot of questions.”
“Then start with why.”
“Well that one’s that hardest to answer.” Fina tilted her head to the side, her lips parting naturally, her gaze soft.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Marta?”
Marta took a steadying breath. “I wrote it to you a hundred times. But each time it seemed like I was trying to manipulate you, or to make you feel sorry for me, or something as equally unsettling. It made me feel pathetic. Like I was telling you so that you would come back. And it all felt too little too late. I was scared of your response. That it didn’t matter or it wouldn’t change anything. And then I’d have nothing to hold on to.” It felt like a blow to Fina’s system. A punch in the stomach that took her breath away.
“Carmen never told me.”
“I asked her not to. She would tell me when she spoke to you in the beginning. She would try to reassure me that you were ok and that you sounded happy. She was trying to make it easier for me, telling me you were happy. But it was still too hard. So I stopped asking. And she stopped offering. When it happened I asked her not to tell you and to just let you forget about everything… about me. So she didn’t.”
“Why did you do it?”
Her answer came too slow and soft, spoken more to herself than to the room. “I wanted you to be proud of me. The old Fina. The one that needed me to do it. The memory of you. I wanted to make her proud. To choose her. And I….” Marta looked beyond Fina, not being able to meet her eyes. “I wanted to be free in case you ever asked me to find you.”
“You gave it up for me…”
“I would have given up everything for you. Absolutely everything. I just did it too late.”
“Marta, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything.”
“No I do. I just… .” Fina took a deep breath and then the three steps to the sofa and sat, her knees facing Marta. She offered a small smile that never reached her eyes. “Sit, please.” Marta obliged, taking the space closest to the arm, closest to the door, farthest from Fina. Safest. “Marta, I’ve had a lot of time to think. To learn about myself… I always lived my life outloud. Recklessly. Never thinking about the consequences until after. Everyone knew what I was feeling at all times. And when my father died, and then after Santiago… I got scared. But I had never been a scared child or a scared woman and I didn’t know how to be just scared. So that fear turned into anger. And I lost myself. The fear overwhelmed me. The anger overwhelmed me. It overwhelmed you. I didn’t know what was happening to me. …I left because of fear, Marta. Not anger. I hated how I felt. Being angry. And I hated being scared. My fear convinced me that nothing was ever enough. That I needed more to make me feel safe. To make me feel secure. I started needing that from you to calm my fear. And that wasn’t fair to you. If I had just been able to tell you without the anger and accusations I know what you would have done. I know you would have done anything for me. But I was too wrapped up in my fear that I kept needing more from you to feel ok. More of a statement. Something that would make me feel secure. But I have had time away, to think, to be honest with myself. And I realize that everything you ever did was for me. And the way I treated you, Marta….when anything happened that made me feel insecure or made me question my place in your life, how I reacted was inexcusable. It was immature and selfish and it was because I was scared. And if I could go back in time to every cancelled date or changed plan, I would hold you and kiss you and tell you that I understand. Because I know it was as hard for you as it was for me. I saw it in your face and in your eyes every time. And you always apologized and took care of me.” Marta’s chin drew in as her bottom lip shook. Tears threatening the corners of her eyes. “But no one ever did that for you, Marta. I never did that for you.”
“I let you down, Fina. Over and over again.”
“You were in an impossible position. I was inconsiderate. I can count on one hand the number of times you sought me out for comfort, that you needed something from me. You just pushed on. On your own. You handled everything with the grace and sincerity that has always been you. Alone. With no one to hold you or let you fall apart. I pushed you into a marriage that you didn’t want and then blamed you for the consequences. I know you blame yourself for what happened but I don’t. Not anymore. You did everything you could. You did your best. And I see that now. You did your best for me. And I left you.” Marta could not stop the shaking that overtook her body. She cried freely, no longer having the energy to look composed in front of the woman that made her feel everything, all at once.
“I should have known how close to breaking you were, Fina. If I had known, if I had stopped letting everything else consume me…”
“All you did was love me, Marta. And you did that well.” Both women paused, breaths shallow, tears falling between them.
“I would have followed you, you know. I would have gone wherever you went. But I knew I needed to change things here, change myself. I didn’t even know how I was going to do it or how long it would take, and I didn’t want you to be drug along in the process. But then I did it. And it still didn’t feel like enough. Carmen kept telling me you were ok. And I feared dragging you back to this place of panic and memories and fear. I didn’t think there was anything I could do, or even anything I should do that was worth bringing you back. I wanted you to be happy, Fina. Even if it was without me.”
“I know, Marta. I’ve always known that.” Silence again fell between them. Both women looking down at their laps, occasionally chancing a short glance at the other from beneath their lashes.
“Well…” Marta’s voice cuts through the silence. “That was a lot.” She wipes at her face with her finger tips. “Let me get us some tea.” She stands, turning away from Fina to walk to the kitchen. “Or I still have that wine that you…”
“Marta…” She stills, hearing Fina approach. When she speaks next she feels only a step away. “Look at me.” A long beat passes but Marta does, her eyes meeting Fina’s, a warmth spreading through her body. Fina approaches her timidly, dropping her head slightly to look up at her. She puts her arms out, palms up, stepping into Marta’s body. She wraps her arms around Marta’s body, Marta’s own arms rising slowly beneath Fina’s to place the lightest of touches at her upper back. Marta’s hands were soft, warm, conveying both timidity and protectiveness, holding Fina gently against her. While Fina’s clung to Marta’s back, fingernails digging into her shoulder blades, pulling her tightly and closely. “I’ve missed you so much,” Fina breathed. A shudder ran through Marta’s body as her breath left her lungs, harsh and hot next to Fina’s neck. “So much.”
Marta is the first to trail her hands down Fina’s back, releasing her, keeping just her fingertips at her waist. Fina followed suit, dragging her hands around to Marta’s shoulders, pausing before brushing her thumb just under Marta’s eye. She places a feather light kiss on the same spot, Marta’s eyes fluttering shut. “I’m so sorry, Fina.”
“Shh. No more, please.” She feels Marta nod, her forehead brushing her own. “Marta, I’m going to ask you something. But I want you to say yes or no for you, not me. Can you do that?” She feels her soft nod again. “Will you let me kiss you?” Again, Fina feels rather than sees her, her shaky exhale, her soft nod. Fina softly grips either side of Marta’s face. She holds her there, not pulling her, not guiding her, but holding her, as if she is something sacred, something that can break. Fina moves toward her, her heart swelling at Marta’s eyes fluttering closed. The first touch of her lips to Marta’s is anticipatory, barely moving, allowing Marta to respond. But Marta doesn’t, her lower lip trembling and her breath audible. Fina’s heart clenches, slowly taking Marta’s trembling lip between her own, placing the softest brush of her tongue against it. She kisses her slowly, languidly, softly. She feels Marta’s fingers at her back, pulling her ever so softly, urging Fina closer. She feels Marta’s lips close around her own. Marta drops her head slightly to the side to deepen the kiss, Fina responding with soft movements, never fully breaking contact. And Fina wants to stay. Here. In this moment. Forever. With no mention or thought of the people who exist outside of their home, with no memories of the last 6 months, with no fear or doubt. She grips Marta’s neck tighter bringing her with the slightest of force harder against her mouth. And when Marta’s tongue dips cautiously into Fina’s mouth, something breaks. The softness is too soft, too inadequate, too little to contain what Fina needs to convey. She needs more and she knows that Marta does too. So she pushes her body closer, Marta stumbling back but pushing to keep contact. Fina takes determined steps forward still holding her with the softness of her intent. The determination to push but not break. Marta’s back hits the wall and a nearly imperceptible whimper escapes her throat. And the only softness that remains is in Fina’s hands. Her mouth moves quickly over Marta’s, her teeth scraping her bottom lip, her mouth opening when Marta pulls Fina’s bottom lip into her own mouth. Their tongues in a perfect dance of give and take, push and pull, desire and need. Fina pulls back just enough to meet Marta’s still closed eyes. They drift open, still hooded and cloudy, red and glassy. She makes a move toward Fina as if to kiss her again but Fina tilts her head back resisting. “Are you ok?” Fina’s voice is just a whisper. Marta nods quickly, chasing her mouth. “Say it. Please.”
“I’m ok.”
“We can stop. If you want to stop I will.” Marta shakes her head quickly. But after all this time Fina needs to hear her voice above all else. She needs to know that Marta is not just giving into Fina’s needs and demands.
“Fina, please… don’t stop.” Marta’s mouth crashes back into Fina’s, drawing a small moan. Her mouth is everywhere, nipping, pulling, teasing with her tongue. And Fina knows that deep down she would have been able to stop if Marta needed it. But she thanks God that she didn’t. She grasps harsher at Marta’s waist, pulling her off of the wall, into her body, and Fina starts walking backward, pulling Marta with her. Their steps are clumsy at first but fall into the rhythm they both knew. Taking the well known path to the back of the house. How many nights they expertly avoided furniture and walls and doors, not being able to break their contact. Fina walks backward through the home she could still navigate with her eyes closed. Through the open door of the room they shared together. The room that held within its walls their dreams, their sleepless nights, their moans of the other’s name, their comfort, their life together. And once inside the door Fina spins Marta so that she is stepping backward, the back of her legs hitting the side of their bed. Fina slows the movements of her mouth and hands, savoring the feeling of having Marta this way, back in their room, back in her arms. She sits Marta down on the edge of the bed, looking down at her.
“Still ok?” Marta nods at first but knows Fina needs more.
“I’m ok, love.” Fina cant stop her eyes from fluttering shut at Marta’s term of affection. Of all the things she has missed, the feeling and comfort that Marta’s soft voice brought her was something she missed the most. She dipped her head down to kiss her softly, placing her hand on the back of Marta’s head, fingers tangling in her soft curls. She pushed forward allowing Marta to lay back against the mattress, her hand easing her head down softly.
“Let me take care of you tonight, my love. Let me show you that I can.”
Fina awakes with a jolt. Checking her watch on the nightstand. She turns in Marta’s arms pushing on her shoulder too forcefully. Marta furrows her brow and tries to pull Fina back into her.
“Marta, you’re going to be late. Wake up.”
“No.”
“Marta you have to get to work. You were always gone for this time. You have to get up. They’ll ask questions.”
“No they wont.” Fina became frustrated, softened only by Marta’s sleepy face trying to burrow into her chest.
“I don’t want you to have to answer questions, my love. Please wake up.”
“I don’t have to go early. I want to stay here.” Fina relaxed slightly.
“Well when do you have to go?”
“I don’t. Can we go back to sleep?”
“It’s your job, Marta. I don’t want to come in here and start causing problems for you that we will both regret later.” Marta’s eyes drug open, a look that resembled frustration on her face.
“All I do is stock shelves and do payroll, Fina. That takes two hours. I can do it tomorrow. Or whenever. I don’t care.” Fina laid back, her head resting on her pillow, her eyes still cut toward Marta.
“Wow. Things really have changed, I guess.” Marta nodded, eyes closing again.
“Does this mean I can go back to sleep?”
Fina grinned. “I guess so.” She relaxed further into the bed.
“Can I hold you again?” Fina’s smile widened. She turned away from Marta, pushing herself back into her. Marta’s hand snaked around her ribcage, grasping for Fina’s hand which she tucked against her chest, fingers interlaced with Marta’s. She bent down to place a soft kiss on Marta’s knuckles.
Marta’s muffled voice could be heard behind Fina’s shoulder.
“How long do I have you?” Fina’s heart nearly broke. She kissed Marta’s fingers again, drawing her thumb up and over her knuckles. She took a steadying breath.
“It depends. When are you going to kick me out?”
Marta snuggled closer and Fina felt her let out a short breath of laughter.
“I’d never kick you out.” Fina smiled. “You said you were staying for a few days. How long do I have?” Fina closed her eyes, willing the tears to stay at bay.
“I’m not leaving without you, Marta.”
Marta pulls her hand free, sitting up on her elbow, eyes wide awake and staring at the side of Fina’s face. She turns to face her.
“What?”
Fina turns her body toward Marta’s rigid form. Placing a hand on her shoulder. Marta’s eyes are a mix of fear and confusion, burning into Fina. “I said, I’m not leaving without you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes you do, my love.” Marta stared intently. Fina could feel the internal struggle, Marta’s fear of letting herself believe her. “I came back for you. We can stay. Or we can go. But whatever we do, it’s going to be me and you. Together. If you’ll have me.”
“Fina tell me you’re not lying. Tell me this isn’t a dream.”
Fina pushed up on her elbow to press her lips fully to Marta’s. Her eyes fluttering shut at the contact. “Does that feel like a dream to you?”
Marta opened her eyes, slowly, her breath just a whisper. “Yes.”
Fina laughed lightly. “You’re right. But it can be our dream. One that we live. Everyday. Together. If you’ll have me.”
“Fina….”
“Marta you don’t have to believe me yet. I know that the way that I came back, without telling you, under the guise of going to my father’s grave, I know that all of this must be confusing. And that you don’t trust me. But I want you. I want us. I wasn’t sure how the conversation last night would go but I came back with every intention to do exactly what we did. To talk. To apologize. To fix things. I needed to go. And I think you needed me to go. So that we could find each other again. A new version of ourselves. One that didn’t need so much and one that didn’t feel that they had to give so much. I learned a lot in France, but I have nothing there without you. I came back for you, Marta.” Marta stared into her eyes, looking from one to another, occasionally dropping her gaze to Fina’s lips as she spoke. “And if you don’t believe me, those three bags that I left with are at the bottom of your steps outside your front door.” She leaned up to kiss Marta quickly. “And I am probably going to need those soon actually…. So…” Marta smiled genuinely for the first time that Fina had seen in 6 months. 183 days now. She ran her thumb over Marta’s bottom lip, her white teeth visible beyond Fina’s thumb. “Will you have me, Marta? Can we try again?”
“Si, quiero” Marta beamed. “Si quiero.” She kissed her quickly. “Si quiero, si quiero.” Fina laughed, nuzzling into Marta’s neck, placing kisses along her skin.
“Te amo, Marta. I’ve never stopped.”
“Te amo, Fina.” Fina rolled Marta onto her back, hovering over her, placing kisses to her cheeks, the corner of her mouth, her forehead, her lips. She lowered her body to Marta’s, the heat of Marta’s skin causing her to shudder. Marta’s hands scratched up the length of her back to rest at the nape of her neck, pulling her closer to her mouth. Fina sighed into her before pulling back sharply.
“Ok, but after this, we go see my father, and then you have to show me your garden. I’ve been dying to see what work you’ve put in.”
Marta smiled, “It’s your garden, my love. And we can go sit in it anytime you like.”