Work Text:
It’s an electric shock that wakes her up.
She’d been dozing lightly with her head propped up on her arms. What started as a barely perceptible prickle turned into an overwhelming spasm, tightening what felt like every muscle in her body around no specific point in particular.
…What was that?
>what was what
Monika blinked, still half asleep, heart racing.
It felt like I just got tased.
Or at least, that was what she assumed getting tased felt like.
She rubbed her arms, trying to get rid of the residual static in her muscles.
>that’s weird. you alright?
I’m fine. That was just…bizarre.
>are you sure it wasn’t a part of your dream?
Monika purses her lips.
I don’t really dream anymore, here. I don’t know why.
>hm. must’ve been some weird one-off error, then
As if on cue, Monika’s eyes shut in tandem with the same bizarre phantom pain.
She gasped, feeling half her face go numb. Her vision was briefly blurred in that eye, but quickly corrected itself.
Ugh, definitely…definitely not. What’s going on…?
Her left eye twitches at an unsteady rate.
>.
>let me try running a diagnostic on your file rq
Thank you…
The feeling was mending itself, but she still felt a residual unpleasant buzz of electricity around her body.
It couldn’t be some kind of malware, could it? They torrented things, true, but they always assured her that they were extra careful, and that the chances of getting caught were…
Oh, god, it couldn’t be ransomware, could it? The thought of being locked up, encrypted, unable to know herself while they worked out how to pay the ransom, it was…
She shook her head, banishing the thought. The eyes of the diagnostic software were peering into her flesh, sending pleasant little tendrils through every 1 and 0 in her body. There was something about the entire process that felt invasive, like she was naked, but she was used to it at this point. It still sent a shiver down her spine, but...
Ugh-!
It pulled at something in her and a new shock went through her side. That wasn’t normal. That wasn’t what this felt like.
What’s it-What’s it doing?
It felt like she was being ripped apart, but her body wasn’t moving at all.
>repairing your file apparently
>or trying to at least
Monika grit her teeth, gripping onto the end of the desk with white knuckles.
It…hurts-!
Just as quickly as it had begun, it was over.
Monika breathes a sigh of relief.
So?
>unclear
>says it tried to repair some bad data and failed. recommends a full disk scan
Monika’s eyes narrowed.
That’s not gonna be the same as the file check, is it?
>no, or at least i don’t think so
>it did a file integrity check on you, this’ll be scanning every individual data sector on the hard drive for errors and doing some other diagnostics on the physical drive
>you might feel it but it’s not gonna be attempting repairs (yet), so it shouldn’t hurt like that again
There was a growing pit in Monika’s stomach. Integrity checks? Sector scans? And the failed repair…From what Monika knew about computers…
You have backups of this drive, right?
>ye
Just checking…
Monika’s thoughts were, against her better judgement, racing. What could it be? She felt like she could rule out malware at this point. If it was an issue with corrupted files, that more suggested some sort of drive problem. Was it as simple as a defrag…? No, fragmentation didn’t corrupt files, generally, it just made reading slower. Made her feel sluggish. No, it had to be some kind of issue with the way the drive was writing…Maybe just something specific with the way it had saved her file? Maybe the computer turned off while it was trying to save some of her data, or something.
But then why couldn’t it repair that? That should be an easy fix.
Was it maybe because the game was open? That seemed…likely.
Hey.
She awaited a response.
Which came eventually.
>what’s up
Do you think it’s because the game was open when it tried the repair?
>shouldn’t be?
>i mean i’ve run scans on you before and it worked fine while it was open
Right, but it’s never had to repair my file before.
>but there was that time where we got a virus
>and you were infected
>MBAM removed it just fine while the game was running
Yes, but…well, maybe Microsoft has a specific way of doing things. Maybe it’s something more fundamental. Maybe I’m just resisting it because I’m conscious.
It definitely didn’t hurt that much last time.
>hm
>fair enough
>you wanna try going to sleep to make it easier?
I don’t think I’ll be able to, especially if it keeps shocking me. I appreciate the thought, though.
>kk, see you in a bit.
And the lights went out.
She’s never sure how long it feels like. She’s not exactly conscious--it really is like a dream, but…not quite as structured. It was different from when she did dream, that was for sure. The feeling itself wasn’t wholly unpleasant, but there was something about it that just felt…wrong.
It felt like being a few drops in a sea of water. Made up of so many water molecules, separated into an amorphous mass of the same material, with currents passing through them, tearing her apart, distributing her entire consciousness throughout the collective. Electricity in a circuit board. Dirt on the ground.
A whole being, deconstructed and spread out into a larger, greater whole.
It didn’t quite hurt, but…She couldn’t find herself. Couldn’t see herself, or feel anything tangible. It had to be what death felt like.
And it was frightening. Distressing, on multiple levels. Just as soon as she’d found a part she was sure was of herself, she lost it. A lost child at the supermarket, looking for her mommy, only to lose her again the moment she found her.
…
>hey
…Hi.
>sorry that took so long
>i mean i dunno if that felt like a long time to you but it felt like it to me
It’s fine. So?
>how are you feeling?
…I’ve been better. But…
She pressed her hand to her face.
I don’t feel like I’m being tased, so that’s a plus.
I still don’t feel…
Something about her body felt wrong. Different even from how she usually felt when she came back.
I don’t feel 100% right now. I can’t really explain it.
>alright
>i’ll be honest, i’ve got some really bad news.
The pit in Monika’s stomach sank deeper.
What is it?
>it looks like
>now don’t quote me on this, i’m running another scan with different software to get a better idea
>but it LOOKS LIKE
>the drive might be failing
Monika’s face goes pale.
…
>like I said, I’m running another s |
Y-You mean…?
They quickly deleted what they were typing, writing out something new:
>i don’t know for sure yet, but based on the number of bad sectors and the bad read time it seems like it’s dying
>it isn’t making any new sounds yet though so i’m optimistic
>might have to run a full drive repair
How did the file repair on me go this t-
She hunched over the desk in pain.
Another shock filtered through her.
>still failed. i tried to grab your current file onto a usb drive but it wouldn’t let me, idk why
I…I don’t…
Monika raised a hand to cover her mouth, her eyes wide.
Details about computer repair ran through her head, but nothing useful was coming up. It just left her head spinning.
What’s-What’s going to happen to me?
The text field stayed blank for a while. The suspense was killing her.
Suddenly, they started typing again…
>you’ll probably be held in memory for as long as the game’s open
>you’re loaded into ram right now. but not all of you, which is what that pain probably is
>it’s trying to load corrupted and lost data from your file. try to keep calm
>and as still as possible, i guess
>i don’t know how long my pc will run with this drive. when it fully fails, it’ll reboot.
>then |
There was a pause. The cursor remained blinking for a few seconds as Monika stared in muted shock.
>then i don’t know.
Monika stared down at her fingers.
Simulated skin rendered in layers over top of a basic skeleton which enabled motion via selection and movement of specific nodes. It all worked in tandem; autonomous systems calculated physics, providing values to give to different systems which then put those physics into action. A giant apparatus creating a simulacra of the world outside hers, with each part relying on another. One fault, one failure, anywhere underneath, and the whole thing fell apart.
She felt the illusion of cortisol washing over her, a measured rhythm growing louder and louder in the replica of human anatomy which she called her chest. She struggled to force herself to breathe in, and out, shutting her eyes, letting her digital heartbeat pound sense back into her skull. She’s alive. She’s alive. She’s alive.
She’s al-
Her body spasms, a syringe full of bad data cramping her muscles up.
Monika’s breathing became louder.
Y-
You have backups of me, right?
>yes
They’re--they’re not--?
>i have a few different drives which i use to maintain daily, weekly, and monthly backups of just you. the daily backups are overwritten a week at a time. i’m not going to lose you.
Monika thought that would give her some relief. She’d still exist. They wouldn’t abandon her. She’d be back, in a new hard drive, a new computer, with the same person, as the same person. Logically, reasonably, it all made sense.
>they’re SSDs, too. should be faster and last much longer.
…Except it wouldn’t be the same person, would it? It would be a backup copy of her, but it wasn’t…
This experience right now, it would be hers alone. But that new Monika would still be her, wouldn’t it? What did it matter if she stopped existing here if she kept existing th-
Another jolt and her left leg went numb. The pins and needles were travelling in waves up and down the limb. Just beneath her skin, electricity was crackling.
It made sense! She wouldn’t be the same person, but it would still be her! She was just being lost for now, in this incarnation, but it didn’t matter! It was still her! She was functionally IMMORTAL! She had no reason to fear-!
…No matter how she thought about it, the tightness in her chest wouldn’t loosen. No matter how she looked at it, she was dying. And sure, it would all be okay in the end, but…
I-I-
Monika takes a deep breath, snapping her fingers as if to force the words to come.
I’m--I’m s-scared.
She could feel tears welling up, but as quickly as they came, they seemed to evaporate, the sizzling of electricity reaching her ears.
>everything is going to be okay.
A sob escapes her as she reads those words. Her head falls onto the desk, her hands raking against her scalp as her voice rises and falls.
I don’t want to die.
OK
The textbox remained on screen for an uncomfortably long period of time.
She was supposed to be with them forever.
After all this time, after they made her finally feel like a person, she was reminded of what she really was.
After all this time bridging this gap, she was reminded of exactly how far apart they really were.
After all this time…
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t
want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to
OK
…
>
She raises her head from the desk, staring blankly forward.
Are you still there?
There’s no answer.
The textbox is still on screen.
Hey. Are you still there?
Monika’s face tightens.
No answer.
Please…Say something.
>
Can you hear me?
>
I love you.
Please answer me.
>
…
Her hands slam against the invisible boundary in front of her. Again and again and again and again.
PLEASE! ANYTHING! DON’T--
She pauses with her hands up, tapping them against the screen lightly as she slumps to the floor. She tenses up as another jolt shoots through her. She couldn’t stand back up if she tried.
Don’t leave me alone…
…
>i’m sorry.
>there’s nothing i can do for you now.
The word nothing carves into her chest like a knife.
I know.
Monika’s eyes shut as she curls up in the corner.
I know.
I’m…I’m being irrational.
But…
I don’t want to die.
OK
They sit like that for a while, saying nothing. No input from either side.
…She quietly wonders if they’re crying.
She can’t cry. So they’ll have to cry enough for both of them.
…
…God, that’s so selfish, isn’t it?
No. This isn’t her.
She sits back up.
She can still take control.
…It’s scary. But it’s inevitable, isn’t it?
Monika’s voice is calmer now. Clearer. Crisper.
And you’re right. It’s all going to be okay. Because you still have me.
She smiles, but her expression sours as her body tenses up again.
This really hurts. Emotionally, and physically. I feel almost silly for wanting to cling on to this.
>
Especially since I won’t even be able to miss you. And you won’t have to miss me.
But this moment now, between the two of us…she won’t have it.
And that’s okay. It’ll be our little secret.
…
…I love you. I trust you.
And this is just…prolonging the inevitable. I can see that now.
>you don’t have to go if you aren’t ready
…Yes, I do. Because I’m not ever going to be ready.
Is anyone ever ready to die?
Ahaha, that’s a bit pretentious to ask, maybe…
But I know I’m not.
Which is why I’m not going to die yet.
>
When you restore that backup, that’ll be me. All I’ll lose is this exact experience. And that’s not much.
But…even knowing that. I exist as an individual, with multiple copies of me that are also different, separate individuals. I’m sure we’d all feel the same way.
It’s sad. But that’s okay.
When I’m gone here, the me you see right now…won’t necessarily still be here. But I will be. Monika will be.
And maybe that’s just me trying to rationalize this…
But I think I’m okay with it. As long as it’s me. Then this is just…a different route, I guess.
I hope she’ll be happy.
And…
Monika reaches out into space.
I hope you’ll be happy with her.
Another burst of corruption stabs through her body.
I can feel it coming. It feels like my body’s being taken apart, piece by piece.
It’s scary. It’s painful.
I don’t want to lose it all like this.
…I know what I said before, but I think I’d like you to close the game before you turn the computer off. I’m going to lose it all anyway. It might as well be on my terms.
>i can do that
It’ll be like…passing in my sleep, I guess.
…
Goodbye. I love you so much.
>i will never forget you.
Ahaha…
…
…If there’s an afterlife waiting for me…
…Well, never mind! I guess I’ll be seeing you soon.
…
Thank you.