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The door closed behind me and I was met with the brittle chill that this house gave me. Always vacant even with people in it, the chill, it never went away. But there was once… a warm ray of sunlight snuck its way into my eternal winter. He melted all the snow off my frozen heart and he disappeared, taking with him his warmth, his light, he vanished taking everything he once gave to me.
I remember the first time I ever felt warmth, it was him awkwardly smiling as he apologized for knocking my pouch down, his gentle hands as they placed it back onto my desk. Warmth, it scared me. With my walls placed high enough to reach the sky, I blocked myself from the world, but there he was, just a knock and my walls tumbled down, crashing hard.
I remember every smile he gave me, I remember the first time we fought, you tried to hold me back from almost killing some guy and I lashed out on you.
“Who the fuck are you” I angrily bit out. And with all the wit and humor of his he coolly replied,
“Me? I'm just an angel you woke up.” The fuzzy smile, the crinkle in his eyes, the paper plane he flung towards me, I remember it clearly. Thinking of his concern as mockery I lashed out at him, threw weak punches that he dodged with ease.
But he would always hold his hand out first. Saving someone he'd just almost been stabbed by? Yes, that's exactly how I remember him, with me. With me I've seen him have the patience of mountains and oceans, the same boy who'd scowl as a greeting so naturally only spared me smiles.
And he made me cave in. He made me smile. In a hospital gown, broken arm and tattered hair he sat. I visited him with what I knew he'd like, food, a boy who'd think of what to eat for lunch during breakfast, of course he'd like it.
He looked me with a look of bewilderment when I place the food in front of him,
“You… you're weird, with those deep sad eyes, you're.. too sweet” look who's talking I thought as a smile escaped my lips, I looked down and suppressed a chuckle only to look up and see him looking even more shocked now.
Even today thinking of him gives me warmth… but this warmth, it doesn't matter anymore. Perhaps he should've never met me, he should've never wasted his smiles, his concern over me. Because now he lays, barely living while I continue to be able to breathe, sleep, study and eat, he lays there… like a corpse. I made him that way.
He should've never held his hand out to me that day. He should've looked the other way. He should've never smiled at me, he should've never held me in a tight embrace, he should've never slept at my house, he shouldn't have given me a chance at life. I was better a puppet moving for the people that birthed me, but he breathed a life into me, and like a leech I took every last breath of his.
I walked slowly into my room, his jacket that I'd worn, set on the chair. I picked up the jacket, green and black always looked good on him. I remember the time he slapped the helmet on me, calling my cheeks cute. We went on a drive on his bike till the sun came up, I hugged the jacket as tightly as I held him while on that bike. The wind that hit my hair, the warmth on my face that I rested on his shoulder, my fingers clutching his sides tightly, that day my body and my soul cherished forever.
Every time he'd had lunch with me in school, every time he'd drop me home while also doing deliveries, every little note he'd passed me in class,every text he'd ever sent me, every time he'd fought for me, with me, I'd engraved in my soul. Everyday I'd sleep late, staying up on the phone with him, so I could see him faster.
But now, I wish I could sleep, I wish I could close my eyes and see his smile once again, to see him call out to me, for him to stuff his mouth with food once again, for him to get me to eat the wrap he made, for him to look cool as he kicked someone away. But I couldn't, as payment for my greed not a wink of sleep welcomed me, barring me from meeting him even in my dreams.
His only sin was loving me, and my only sin… my only sin was letting him. My head was filled with only him, he'd occupied my entire life, did I occupy his? Did he think about me at night? Did he like staying up late at night talking to me? Did he like picking me up from my academy and dropping me home? Did he like playing video games with me? Did he like it when I talked to him? Did he like it when we went on that drive? Did he kiss me on the bridge while we saw the sun come up because he liked me? Did he… ever regret meeting me?
Did he regret it every time his knuckles ached with wounds that wouldn't heal? Did he regret it every time I disappointed him? Did he regret it every time I hid things from him? Did he regret it every time he'd take revenge on those who'd hurt me? Did he regret it as he got kicked until all he could do was lie there lifelessly taking those hits? Does he regret it now, when not a finger can he move, nor a tear can he shed?
Does he regret liking me?
These questions continue to haunt me. When you wake up, would you want to meet me? Would you resent me? Would you wish we should've never met?
Because I do. I resent and loath every fiber of my being. I regret picking up that pen. I regret taking your hand. I regret feeling your love. I regret sitting behind you on that motorcycle. I regret ruining your life. But there is nothing I can do. I thought getting even with the monsters that did this to you would help lighten the guilt I'm feeling. So I hurt them, I hurt them as they hurt you. But tell me, tell me why do I still feel like this? Why do I still want to scratch my skin off? Why do I still hate looking at myself?
I wish you never met me. Suho. I wish I didn't make you miserable. And I wish you never made me happy, I wish you'd never given me the will to live. Because now cruelly, with you gone, how could I still keep on living.
I opened the window in my room, and a cool breeze blew in. I could hear the faint laughter of children playing, chasing each other. I could smell a stew cooking, you would've loved this stew. I sat on the window sill, my legs dangling underneath, everything seemed so miniscule, so worthless. Tiny-tiny figures, tiny cars, tiny trees, they had their own lives, their own journeys. But did I?
My phone vibrated in my hand, I turned it around to see who was calling. The caller ID read XX hospital.
“Hello” was that hoarse weak voice mine?
“Aah I'm calling from the hospital, actually Mr Ahn's guardian isn't picking her phone up and I've seen you visiting a lot. His condition is quite critical, do you know a way we could get in contact with his guardian?”
My ears started ringing quite a bit ever since he slipped into a coma, but the intense pain that followed in my eyes as my ears rang, my heart pounded hard onto my chest. My phone slipped from my hand and fell 13 floors underneath. My vision blurred with tears, but my heart was still now. The ringing stopped and so did the pain.
A faint smile grew on my face. I could finally see him again.
“Suho-ya, wait for me.”