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All of his classmates already left the classroom, but he still stayed behind, not even knowing what he was waiting for.
Pretending to not like him was hard, so hard he sometimes wanted to forget all the feelings he had for him and… all that happened between them. Their friendship, their hardships, everything. Even though he was the happiest then.
But he also knew he couldn’t pretend for his whole life. He was like a blank sheet, you could see everything on his face or in his behaviour. That’s why he got so scared that someone will eventually realize that what he felt for Hyuntak wasn’t only brotherly love.
And, that’s also why he wanted to distance himself from him, to maybe cool down a little and… put all these feelings aside. Let himself think about it more, about his feelings and emotions. Maybe he really needed that.
“Jun!” His heart started racing uncontrollably when he heard the voice. Not long after, he felt big, strong shoulders that rested on his own, and Hyuntak’s face was suddenly inches away from his own one.
“Tak!” He smiled nervously, trying to look normal. Even if he wanted to do something, he couldn’t take the other’s shoulders from him because, well, the other boy was much stronger than him. And bigger.
Why am I blushing , Juntae thought to himself feeling the warmth that spread on his ears.
“Why didn’t you join us on the basketball court?” Gotak asked him while pouting.
Don’t stutter, just don’t stutter .
“I… I…”
Fuck.
“Did something happen?”
As Hyuntak asked him that, he also pulled another chair to Juntae’s desk and sat down, embracing Jun’s waist with his arms. “You know you can tell me everything, right?”
How can I stop liking you, Tak? When you’re always like that even though it’s all platonic?
Tae’s eyes started to water so he dropped his gaze. He really didn’t want to lie to Hyuntak, but how could he possibly explain that situation to him?
“I know”, he slowly replied, breathing out. He tried to calm himself down and, especially, try to stop his heart from exploding.
“So, what happened?” Tak grabbed his chin with his fingers and lifted his head. Now, their faces were only inches away and Jun could feel the other’s breath on his lips. He looked into Gotak's eyes, trying to find out what the other’s thinking about, because it started to look… suspicious to him.
Is Tak only trying to comfort me or…?
He felt it. He felt his heart pumping fast, his hands sweating and his cheeks red from nervousness. He didn’t know what was supposed to happen now but he badly wanted to kiss Hyuntak. It didn’t feel like a want, it felt like a need at that moment.
“Hey, Tak, are you coming?!”
And the sparks faded and all the tension instantly vanished into thin air. Juntae abruptly shoved Hyuntak’s body away and stood up, quickly packing his things and running towards the door.
In the doorway, he passed by Baku, who was just looking after Hyuntak. He didn’t even look at him, because suddenly the thought from before returned to his mind.
Hyuntak likes Humin. Not me.
And, so, he went back home. And, so, maybe he cried a little. Or maybe he cried a lot.
Or maybe he skipped almost a week of school because of his stupid feelings.
But, honestly, who would even care, right?
Though, maybe on the sly, Juntae wanted to believe that Hyuntak would indeed care.
***
Oh, how dumb he was. Did he really think that Hyuntak would even care about why he’s absent? Did he really think that he was more important to him than Humin? Did he really think that, the moment between them, was something more than just a friendly affection for Hyuntak?
Sometimes, he was still just a baby who didn’t fully comprehend the world around him.
“Hey, are you listening?” He heard Gamin’s voice but he just couldn’t break out of the trance that he had fallen into. At least now, not being fully aware of the situation around him made him feel free and careless.
“Juntae!” Gamin didn’t stop there and started to shake him, to make him snap out of it. “Are you okay?” He asked, starting to get worried.
Jun just smiled awkwardly, fixing his glasses. “Sorry, I just got distracted. What were you talking about?”
“I asked you if you want to come to my home tomorrow”, Gamin seemed nervous. “We can study! Because it’s friday, right, and friday is the perfect day to study, don’t you think so?” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Juntae frowned, “I should ask you if you’re okay, man… You’re almost shaking and it’s a normal question, relax.” He laughed it off. “And yeah, I could use some time to study peacefully, I didn’t have it for quite some time actually”, he added.
That was true. Since he became friends with Hyuntak, Baku, Sieun, and now also Suho, they always studied together. Well, most of the time. But actually Juntae couldn’t remember when was the last time that he studied alone, without a Hyuntak by his side. And, even though his grades didn’t drop, he could definitely use some me-time. Also, Gamin was also one of the top students, so together they could surely bring the best out of each other.
Gamin breathed out, finally relaxing a bit. He really was nervous to ask Tae about that because he assumed that he would probably prefer spending time with his best friends . He wanted to befriend Juntae for a long time already, but it always seemed like something was blocking the other from fully opening himself when it came to Gamin, and it made him feel slightly bad.
Am I not enough? He questioned himself all the time. Or, maybe, Juntae likes someone else?
Whatever the case, he knew that he would fight for him with everything he had. Because Juntae was really a precious friend to him.
Yeah, just a friend , he thought to himself. Just a friend .
***
A few hours later, he could finally go back home and prepare himself for the last day of school. He really wanted to lay on his bed and spend the whole weekend like that, but he also knew that another exams were coming soon and he couldn’t let himself slip on them.
“Hey, Jun, wait!” He heard behind his back and instantly froze. Fuck, it’s Hyuntak. I’ll just ignore him and pretend to not hear , he thought to himself as he continued to walk straight, slightly quickening.
Truth to be told, he hated to ignore Hyuntak. He badly wanted his attention, he needed it, but he also knew that he’s doing it for himself. Because if he won’t distance himself from Hyuntak a little bit, then he will just get hurt harder.
“Jun! Where are you speeding to!” Hyuntak continued to chase him, even though Juntae quickened his pace even more.
Fuck, he’s going to get me if I won’t rush.
And, just as he thought that he was on a hiding to nothing, his only hope appeared, shining brightly like the biggest star in the whole universe.
“Gamin!” He shouted, waving to his friend. He smiled widely, quickly running towards him and putting his hand on the other’s shoulder. “I thought you already left”, he started a conversation, hoping that Hyuntak wouldn’t chase him now.
But, oh boy, he was so wrong…
“Jun!”
He felt someone tug on his forearm, and his back suddenly collided with someone’s torso. Gotak’s arm embraced his waist and he buried his face in Juntae’s neck, whining.
“Are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?” He asked indistinctly, rubbing his face in the hollow of Tae’s neck.
Is this some kind of a joke? Juntae’s thought spiralled, making him dizzy. The emotions felt overwhelming, making him unable to say anything and, moreover, to move anyways. He was just… frozen.
“Juntae? Are you okay?” He only snapped out of it when he heard Gamin’s voice.
Fuck, not in front of Gamin, oh my God.
He quickly composed himself and shoved Hyuntak away. “Yeah, everything’s fine! Really!” He tried to convince Gamin, but he knew he was unsuccessful when he saw the other’s facial expression.
“Are you really okay?” Gotak also asked, with a worrying expression.
I hate to see him like that. I hate, I hate, I hate. I want him to be happy.
“Yes, I’m really okay, Tak. I was just sick”, he smiled reassuringly and tapped the other on his shoulder.
He can distance himself but he can’t fully cut Hyuntak out of his life. Not because Juntae would be hurt, but because it would hurt Hyuntak.
“That’s a relief”, the other boy smiled brightly showing all of his teeth. “Then, I’m going to play with Baku, okay? Do you want to come along?”
Ouch . His heart ached.
“No, no, it’s okay. I want to rest”, he forced himself to smile.
So, after all, it’ll always be Baku, right?
He sighed and moved ahead, not even bothering to bid Gamin goodbye.
Why can’t you see that I’m already yours, Park Humin?
***
Meanwhile, a lot of thoughts went through Hyuntak’s mind.
Why was he with Gamin?
Is he ignoring me?
Did he just refuse my touch?
As he thought about different possibilities of what happened just now, a not-so-smart idea suddenly popped up.
“Is he dating Gamin?” He asked himself in disbelief, turning around to see the other two leaving separately.
But, Gamin was still looking at Juntae, even though the other one didn’t pay him any attention, moving towards the bus stop.
No, they’re not dating. But it’s so obvious that Gamin has a crush on Juntae.
He was okay with that. Really. He was okay. He was just fine.
But, why did his body feel uncomfortable all of a sudden?
And why did a bitter feeling situated itself in his heart?
Is he going to replace me?
***
The next day was Friday and Juntae was supposed to meet with Gamin. That’s why he quickly packed his things and went to the entrance where he was supposed to meet said boy after he finished his conversation with one of the professors.
Truth to be told, he was a little bit nervous. Never before he was at Gamin’s house, he didn’t know his parents and, to be specific, he wasn’t really that close with him yet. He didn’t know him that well, comparing this to either Sieun or Hyuntak.
“Ah, so here you are”, he heard from behind so he turned around, only to see a familiar face.
“Tak!” He smiled shyly.
“What are you doing here?” He asked suspiciously. “Were you waiting for me? Was my Jun waiting for me after classes?” He smiled brightly and jumped forward, putting his arms on Juntae’s shoulders. Since he was taller, he needed to lower his head a little, to level his lips with the other’s ears. “Did you want to walk together?”
And it was enough to make a whole mess out of Juntae, who was now struggling with moving any part of his body, not even mentioning speaking.
“I… Well…” He stuttered with his eyes facing the ground. “Gamin… and I…”
Hyuntak moved away suddenly, taken aback by other’s words. “Gamin? And you ? After classes?” He furrowed. “Were you going to walk with him ?”
Why is his voice like that? He’s sounding like I was just cheating on him , Juntae thought to himself as he tried to find a good response.
“Uh, well, we were actually going to study together at his house”, he tried to smile but he just couldn’t.
Gotak seemed annoyed by that, as if the words coming out of Jun’s mouth made him angry.
“I don’t want you to go to his house”, he replied boldly, crossing his arms on his chest. “I don’t like it.”
Juntae looked at him surprised. “Why?”
“Because he likes you”, Hyuntak lowered his head again, now his face being on the same level as Juntae’s. “Do you like him?”
Tae’s eyes lit up, though the confused look didn’t completely disappear. “I like him… as a friend”, he quickly replied, not wanting to keep the other in suspense.
Hyuntak instantly cheered up, putting his right hand on Juntae’s head and stroking him lightly. “That’s good”, he said. “So, let’s go, we’re going to hang out together, right?”
Juntae didn’t need a lot of time to respond, as he vigorously nodded his head. “Let’s do this!”
And, so, he left, not even paying a little bit of attention to Gamin, who was now going towards them.
So, that’s what it really is , Gamin thought to himself. Well, at least he’s happy.
He smiled bitterly as he turned to the other side, moving his feet towards his home’s direction.
***
Hyuntak took Juntae to the park, even though both of them weren’t actually the nature type of guys. But, he wanted to make it somehow special, that they won’t forget it.
“Juntae”, he called the other by his name, which he never actually used, always choosing to call him as ‘Jun’.
“Yeah?” The other replied unsure, curious about what Gotak wanted to talk about.
Suddenly, the taller boy stood in place, turning his body towards Juntae’s one.
“I like you”, he said, smiling cheerfully.
Juntae frowned and fixed his glasses. “What?” He just responded, not quite comprehending the other’s words.
“Juntae, I like you! I like you so very much!” Hyuntak started to speak even louder, a quick laugh escaping his mouth.
“Are you joking?” Juntae pouted, hitting Gotak’s arm with his hand.
“You’re really so clueless”, Hyuntak rolled his eyes jokingly and lowered his head. He looked the other into the eyes, “let me make it clear then”.
He closed the space between them, locking their lips together in the sweetest kiss one could even behold. His left hand grabbed Juntae by the back of his neck, whereas the other one found their place on his hip. He deepened the kiss, even though they were both out of breath, but he never wanted to stop kissing the cutest boy he ever saw in his life.
But, all good things eventually have to end, and so had their kiss. Juntae abruptly moved away, trying to catch a breath.
“Do you believe me now?” Hyuntak looked him deep in the eyes, caressing Jun’s right cheek with his hand. “You’re the cutest human being on the whole planet, how can I possibly not like you?”
Juntae frowned. “Does it mean that there might be some alien that’s cuter than me?” He asked him, crossing his arms on his chest.
Hyuntak rolled his eyes, laughing aloud. “ Baby , let me correct myself. ‘You’re the cutest in the whole universe’ is that better?”
The other boy just smiled, vigorously nodding his head. “It’s perfect”, he replied as he embraced Hyuntak’s waist with his arms and stood on his tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the cheek. “I like you too, Tak.”
“Well, then…”, Hyuntak smiled even wider, “do you want to be my boyfriend, Seo Juntae?”
“It would be my pleasure, Go Hyuntak”, Juntae replied and smiled brightly, grabbing the other by the neck and pulling him closer to crash their lips again. And again. And again.
***
Juntae was running through the dark hallway, cursing under his mouth. He was already so late, what was he supposed to say to Hyuntak? He didn’t want to be late on their first proper date ever.
As he turned to the left, he suddenly felt a strong pull and his back collided with a wall. He didn’t even get a chance to groan from the pain, because his lips were sealed with another one’s. He put his hands on the other’s chest, trying to push the person away, but he was unsuccessful, as the other one was too strong.
So, he stood there, with hands on someone else’s chest, being kissed by someone he wasn’t familiar with. Well, at least he thought so. Because, as tears started to form in his eyes, the other boy pulled away, revealing his face to Juntae.
“Why are you tearing? Were you scared it’s someone else?” Hyuntak giggled, pecking the others cheeks. “Don’t worry, I would never let that happen”, he muttered to his ear and pulled him into another kiss.
***
“No, it’s raining again”, Juntae whined. “And I didn’t even bring my umbrella with me…” He added, sighing.
“Fuck, me too”, Hyuntak put his chin on Juntae’s head. “I guess… We don’t really have any other choice.”
As these words left his mouth, he quickly pulled his jacket out of him and covered their heads with it. “Let’s go, Jun”, he put his arm on the other’s shoulder and pulled him closer, moving forward, towards the bus stop.
Suddenly, Juntae stopped in the middle of pavement, looking at Hyuntak.
“What? Did something happen?” Hyuntak asked him confused.
But Juntae just smiled and shaked his head.
“Then, what is this?” Hyuntak tried to get a response.
Suddenly, Juntae stood on his tiptoes and grabbed onto Gotak’s shirt, connecting their lips together. He loved kissing Hyuntak and, at that moment, he felt like it was too magical to just let it go.
“Bleh, get a room!” They heard Baku from behind, as he imitated to vomit, followed by Sieun’s and Suho’s laughs.
In response, Hyuntak just pulled Juntae closer by the waist, completely giving up on protecting their heads with his jacket.
“I love you, Seo Juntae”, he muttered into his lips.
“I love you more, Go Hyuntak”, Juntae replied, still grabbing tightly onto the other’s shirt.
“No, I love you more!”
“No, I love you more, Tak!”
“You’re lying, of course I love you more.”
“I’m not lying! I love you more!”
“No, you don’t, because I love you more!”
“Just shut up!” Juntae deepened the kiss, tired of bickering with his
boyfriend
.
So, after all, it wasn’t Baku… It was me.