Work Text:
He had left her instantly after her confession. She sighed to herself before sneaking out of the room and back to her dorm, deciding that being caught once was enough for her. She stripped out of her work clothes and placed on her nightwear before climbing into her uncomfortable cot. Sleep would evade her tonight but there was no use in not trying.
Matt wasn’t there the next day either and Rey had an inkling of a feeling that he would never be back. Her heart sank at the thought but she continued her day as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn’t been making out with her superior the night before. She’d eat alone during her meals, shuffling the food around her plate. It wasn’t that she wasn’t hungry, her appetite was just lost to her.
When she finished up her work for the day, she retired to her room and started writing a report to send back to Leia. She would want to know what was going on and Rey decided that it was probably time to head back to the base. She’d have to get a hold of Poe within the days to come to tell him that it was time to leave. She wasn’t sure how the resistance would handle their abandonment of the mission but she knew that they couldn’t be on the ship any longer. Kylo Ren was interested in her and if he kept watching her then she knew he would eventually figure out who she was. She’d count it as a mission failure but they all knew how risky the mission was in the first place. Rey only hoped that Poe had gotten something of use.
She woke up early the next morning so that she could find a safe space to send her message from. She couldn’t just send it from her room, she knew that they would intercept the message that way and the manhunt for the spy would begin. She quickly put on her clothes before going to the panel next to her door. They locked the doors so that the workers couldn’t get out in the night but she was always someone who loved to tinker. She quickly tinkered with the panel the same way she did two nights ago and the doors slid open. She stepped through them and snuck around the hallways.
She wasn’t really sure where the best place to send her message would be at but she knew that her room wasn’t one of them. She snuck the halls until she came to a small vent. She pulled the covering off of it and crawled into the little space. She crawled through the system for a moment until she came to a drop. She’d have to send it here and hope that the fall was far enough that it would destroy the pad.
She typed a final line into the report, telling Leia that she was destroying the pad and that she and Poe would leave as soon as possible. She sent the report before hanging the pad over the edge of the drop. It slipped from her fingers easily and fell. She waited to hear the sound of its crash landing and only heard the slightest of echoes. Must’ve been a far drop.
She crawled back towards the entrance of the vent. She pushed herself out of the small space and quickly replaced the covering. It was all a matter of time now, she knew, but she had to wait until the sun was up to find Poe. She wasn’t sure how long it would take but she would do what she had to.
He was working on the fighters as a mechanic. She didn’t know how good he was at diagnosing problems on a TIE Fighter but they all figured that the best pilot in the Resistance would be better with ships instead of wires. She’d try the hangars when she’d get the chance.
She snuck silently back through the halls and was relieved to see that they were primarily empty. She wasn’t sure when patrols started but she noted that this time would be the best for Poe and her to make their escape. She slid along the hallway where her room was located before coming to her door and punching her code in. The door slid upwards and she walked into it and prayed that the door wouldn’t clank behind her like it sometime liked to do.
It slid silently shut and she exhaled. She shucked off her clothes and went to lay in her bed. She wouldn’t be able to sleep the last few hours before her shift began but that was alright. She tossed and turned trying to get comfortable before finding a good spot. She tucked her hand under her pillow and closed her eyes. Sleep was not coming, however, and she groaned with frustration. She opened her eyes and focused on the thing in front of her.
Her plant had gotten bigger over the time that she had received it. It hadn’t bloomed yet or anything but she knew that the time was coming. The plant already started to release a very feint smell into the room and it filled Rey with joy.
Looking at it now only caused her chest to swell with loneliness. She missed Matt and wanted nothing more than for him to return to her side so that they could bicker with each other and talk about lives that neither of them had. She missed his blond hair and stupidly big rimmed glasses.
She sighed and rolled away from the plant. She closed her eyes, willing the tears that began to form to go about their own way. She thought about the two of them together with the Resistance, working on fixing loose wiring and broken calcinators. She thought of the two of them, laughing and smiling while working together. She thought of ‘Matt’ and ‘Kira’ and how she desperately wished that that was who she was.
The alarm was obnoxious and she covered her ears when it screeched. She didn’t realize that she had managed to doze off for a little while before the shifts began. When the alarm was done screaming, she pushed the covers off of her body and stood up. She stretched and cracked her back before leaning down and picking up the clothes she stripped off last night. She tugged them on before starting her day.
She waits in the line for her assignments and the workers are chatting happily behind her. They talk about how they’re happy to see that a ‘disruptive’ worker isn’t there today and Rey has half a mind to turn and yell at them. They don’t know how much of a help he really is. Sure he may be unstable and cruel to other people but he was always a huge help for her. She knows that they know she can hear them and she knows that they’re waiting for her to do something.
But she doesn’t, only continues the slow shuffle towards the desk. When she makes it to hers, the supervisor mumbles a good luck and shoos her along. She looks down at the little pad in her hands and there is only one thing on the list.
Maintenance in Lord Kylo Ren’s Room
She rolls her eyes and tries to have an air of annoyance to her but the words strike fear deep into her. She wonders if he knows about the report she sent, wonders if he is requesting her so that he can quickly get rid of her before anyone else catches wind. But the other thought terrifies her just as much.
She wonders if he wants to talk with her about what happened a few nights ago. But the thought that maybe he doesn’t actually want to talk to her but do other things makes her shiver in her boots. She knows that he wouldn’t command her to do anything of that kind of nature but she doesn’t actually know. ‘Matt’ wouldn’t command her to do such a thing but ‘Kylo Ren’ is a completely different person. He has the power to make any common person do what he wanted but she isn’t the average person. She has the ability to reject him if it comes down to that, but she doesn’t want it to come down to that.
She leaves the area quickly and makes her way towards the hangar bays in hopes that she’ll find Poe. She knows that Kylo Ren will be waiting for her, waiting for her to come up to his room to fix whatever was broken. She knows that she has an hour max before he comes searching for her himself.
When she arrives in the first bay, she attempts to make herself look like she’s working. The patrols won’t know that her assignment isn’t here but if a supervisor catches her then it’s a different story. She waits and listens, trying to hear Poe’s voice. Mechanics pass her but she never hears the familiar tone of her friend’s voice. She decides that she’s waited long enough in this bay before headed to her second option.
The second bay is smaller and she hopes that she won’t have to wait for long until she finds Poe. She makes herself look busy again and it doesn’t take long until his voice crosses over her ears. She walks slowly up to the group of mechanics before coming to a stop behind him. She taps his shoulder and he turns around.
He looks so much different with his disguise. His beard is much bushier then she remembers but the glasses are the same. Before they left, he also opted to shave one side of his head to get rid of the fluffiness of his hair. Finn was adamant that they would recognize him from his hair and Rey couldn’t really disagree. He looked different but the same and it made Rey smile.
“Excuse me,” She began and Poe attempted to stop any sort of happiness from appearing on his face. The group of mechanics quieted when she spoke. “I’m having some problems with a panel over there and was wondering if you could help me.” He nods and waves to the other mechanics to keep going that he’ll catch up with them. They walk together to a panel and both start working on removing it.
“We’re leaving.” She whispers as they begin moving the panel.
“When?” Is his answer and she wants the playful Poe back. He’s good under pressure but he’s better when he’s laughing and cracking jokes.
“As soon as possible,” She whispers while they both groan over the weight of the panel.
“You couldn’t have picked something lighter?” He chuckles and they laugh together for a brief moment. They place the panel onto the ground and stand straight up. She smiles at him before pulling him into a hug. Her hand goes up to his neck and she moves her head to be next to his ear.
“3 A.M is the best time to leave. Come to my room when you’re ready.” She whispers before pulling away from him. He smiles but his eyes betray him. He’s worried about what it could mean that they are leaving so early. He nods and waves at her before returning to the group of mechanics he was chatting with.
She messes around with the contents of the panel for a brief moment, pretending that she was inspecting them before deciding that enough was enough. Her hour was almost up and she knew that he wouldn’t wait for her any longer. She shouts to the group of mechanics about the panel and they shout back that they’ll replace it for her. She thanks them briefly before jogging down the hallway before grabbing her tools. She walks slowly towards her destination, trying to delay the inevitable.
The closer she gets, the tighter her fear grips her. She’s anxious and she tries to stop her hands from shaking. The tools rattle against each other slightly when the tool box sways against her side.
She stops in front of the door and knows that there isn’t a point to knocking. He knows that she’s there. She contemplates just standing there for a moment before he gets impatient and opens the door himself. But that’s not professional and she is representing a work unit. She knocks softly against the door and waits for anything.
But no voice ever comes and the doors never slid upwards.
She rolls her eyes and types a maintenance code into the panel. The panel beeps at her and she stares at it confused. She attempts her code again but the doors never slid open and the panel beeps at her again. It’s denying her access and she doesn’t understand why. Did he request it be changed after she had been there?
She knocks on the door again, louder this time and with more confidence. If he was here, maybe he hadn’t heard her the first time. He had to have been here if the door wasn’t allowing her in otherwise she couldn’t actually do her work.
It slides upwards and his whole body fills the frame of the door. He’s wearing the mask again and his breath comes out as hisses. He’s clearly been doing something that required a bit of physical exertion since he’s breathing heavily, his chest rising up and down at a rapid pace. She stares at him for a moment, trying to understand what he could have been doing when the rage hits her.
He’s angry and she doesn’t understand why. She takes a step back away from the door and attempts to make herself look as big as possible. She may be afraid of whatever he had called her here for but blatant attempts to make her fear him wouldn’t work on her. She puffs out her chest and turns her chin upwards. She stars directly into the mask where his eyes would be.
“You requested me sir.” She declares and he nods slowly. She’s about to take a step into his space, about to demand that he move out of her way when he grabs the collar of her shirt and pulls her into the room. He pulls her passed him and she stumbles slightly when he lets her collar go. The doors close behind him and she swallows thickly around the new found fear.
She straightens up the best she can before turning to face him. He’s in her space faster than she ever recalls him moving but he doesn’t move to touch her or anything. He looms over her, his hands twitching at his side. She stares defiantly up into his mask, waiting for him to do whatever he was going to do.
“You like Matt.” He says and it’s like an accusation.
“I do.”
“Then why were you with someone else?” He hisses at her and his hands come up to grip her forearms. It’s too hard of a pressure but her confusion doesn’t allow her to feel it. She can feel her eyebrows furrow but she doesn’t have the voice to question what he was going on about.
“In the hangar,” He says and the pressure on her arm lessens but he doesn’t let go. “You hugged a mechanic.”
Fear swells in her chest again but it isn’t fear for herself. She can feel her eyes widen but she quickly tries to stop any sort of surprise from forming on her face. She wants to run away from him, to run to Poe to tell him that he could be in trouble and that they’d need to leave instantly.
“He helped me,” She says and it’s much more firm then she thought it would be. “I gave him a hug as thanks.” She pushes herself away from him then and he doesn’t make any sort of move to grab her again.
“Why does it matter to you?” She spats and turns away from him. “It’s not like you’re Matt, you don’t need to defend him. He can do it himself.” She can hear his helmet hissing, can hear when his lungs take in the air in the room. She turns slowly around and gasp silently.
He’s wearing the horrible blond wig and the large framed glasses. She stares at him for a moment before he moves his hand slowly up and through the wig. She watches him grip it before slowly lifting away from his head. He tosses it to a corner of the room before doing the same with his glasses.
“I am Matt.” He says before taking a few steps towards her. She mimics his steps but moves backwards, away from him while shaking her head. She knew who he was but ‘Kira’ didn’t and she has to pretend.
It still hurts though. She can’t pretend anymore that they are two separate people, can’t pretend that ‘Matt’ exists separately from Kylo Ren. She can’t pretend anymore that having any sort of feelings for ‘Matt’ was alright because they weren’t the same person.
They were the same person and the truth was standing in front of her.
He closes the space between them and grips her forearms again. It’s a lighter pressure this time but she can’t help but yelp when his hands come into contact with her arms. Just the light amount of pressure agitates the forming bruises. He ducks his head down towards her, trying to make himself less of a frightening person.
She doesn’t know why the tears form on the corner of her eyes or why her lip began to shake. She doesn’t know why she takes in shaky breaths or why it’s suddenly harder to breath. His hand moves to the back of her head and pushes her into his chest. He places his head on top of hers and rubs her back lightly.
She doesn’t know why the tears fall freely then or why she fists her hands into his tunic. The tears fall freely down her cheeks and she whimpers against him. She can hear him quietly shush her, try to comfort her and its wrong. He’s Kylo Ren, a monster and murder but he’s someone else too.
He’s Matt.
She tries to calm herself down and to stop her crying. She rubs his face into his chest before unraveling her hands from his tunic. He doesn’t let her go though, only continues to press her into him and rub small circles in her back.
“I-I’m sorry.” He whispers and she wonders if he had been crying too. His voice sounds much hoarser and the stammering doesn’t help. She wants to look up at him but knows he’ll take that as an invitation, that he’ll take it as a sort of positive reaction.
She pushes her hands against his chest and moves him away from her. She wraps her arms around each other, rubbing her thumbs into the forming bruises. It’s supposed to be comforting, to soothe the pain but it only makes her wince more. She turns away from him, not wanting to meet his eyes.
“You lied to me.” She scowls. “You lied to me and-and,” She’s stammering again and she tries to calm herself again. She won’t cry over this anymore. She needs to end it.
“I had to.” He whispers. She can feel the anger build inside of herself but she has no reason to be angry with him. She had been the one to help him. She had been the one to allow him to work alongside her. She had no one to blame but herself.
“Now what?” She says before turning back towards him. His nose is silently pink and she knows for certain that he had been crying with her. Not the type of crying that shakes your whole being. The type of crying you do when you feel guilty.
The type of tears that leak from your eyes due to regret.
“You liked Matt,” He begins and moves to we again. She shies away from his touch and he looks hurt. “Kylo Ren is better, stronger, and more worthy of you. I figured,” he says and tries to move for her again. She moves away from him again and she can feel his frustration move through the air. She can feel him stop her in place and he finally grabs her. He wraps his arms around her again and presses her against him. “You could like him as much.”
He brings his fingers up under her chin and tilts her head upwards. A small smile dances on his lips and it reminds her of Matt. He leans down slowly before brushing his lips gently against hers. It's painfully slow and Rey wants to pull away from him but his grip is strong her, physically and with the Force.
His lips move against hers and they're just as soft as they were in the broom closet. He moves them lazily against her own, breathing slowly through his nose. His tongue brushes against her lips and he moves his hand to grip the back of head lightly. He grasps her hair gently before pulling on it slightly. She gasps at the movement and he slips his tongue into her mouth.
He explores her mouth slowly and with ease. He wants to relish this because he knows that ‘Kira’ will deny him. He knows that she'll fight against the idea that they're the same person. He hopes that she'll come too eventually and come to him willingly. Until then, he runs his tongue lazily through her mouth.
She lets him even though she wants nothing more than for him to let her go. She likes the way it feels, likes the way he's pushed up against her and holding her but she can't cave. She can't allow herself to like Kylo Ren. She can't give into him even if her body screams at her too. He would kill her if he knew who she really was and she can't risk it.
When he's finished, he releases his hold on her hair and sighs happily to himself. His cheeks are tinged pink and she imagines she looks the same as him. He unwraps his arms from around her and takes a step away from her. He's breathing heavily and Rey knows that he wants more from her.
“Matt,” he says breathlessly. “Could never do that.”
The anger flashes through her then and she glares at him. “Because he never let himself do it.”
He groans at her response. “Why are you so caught up on Matt?” He huffs and turns away from her. “I'm here; it's just us now.”
The words sting into her core and she rushes towards the door of the room. The tears well in her eyes as she remembers his blood on the snow, the smell of Finns flesh burning, and his desperation. He lets her move away from him, lets her leave out of door and run down the hallway. He doesn't understand but he doesn't need to. She'll be back to him.
She practically runs back to her room after her interaction with Kylo Ren. She was too shaken to return to her superior, to get more jobs for the day. She knew that that was what she should have done, she should have gotten more work to take her mind off of him. But she couldn’t. She needed to be alone for some time.
She punched her code into the door and it slid upwards. She walked slowly into the room and instantly started stripping out of her clothes. Her pants bunch around her legs and she kicks furiously for a moment before sighing and leaning down to pull them off. She tosses them aside before gripping the bottom edge of her shirt. Shirts were always so much easier than pants and it slides effortlessly off of her body. She tosses it into the corner and it lands softly on top of her pants.
She stands there for a moment in only her underwear and breast wrap. Her hands come up to cross across her chest before gripping her forearms. She rubs small circles into her skin before moving to lay down in her bed. She lays on top of the covers, basking in the cold air. Her limps splay outwards and she rubs her toes against the edge of bed. Her fingers tap small notes into the metal framework of her bedframe. She closes her eyes and focuses on the sound of her fingers.
She opens her eyes again but she’s not in her bunk. She’s in the forest again, the snow kissing her cheeks. She walks steadily forward, running her fingers along the barks of the trees. She knows what’s going to happen next, this isn’t a nightmare she hasn’t experienced before.
The body sits crumbled in the snow and Rey knows who it is. She rushes to it anyway, like she always does. The cloth feels different this time but her dream self doesn’t seem to notice.
“Finn,” She whimpers and shakes him gently. “Wake up.” She grips his forearms and moves his body so that his head sits in her lap.
But it isn’t Finn.
She tries to jump back but a hand shoots up from the snow and grips her forearm. But the face holds no malice, no anger or rage. His eyes only hold sorrow and guilt and Rey can’t stop herself. Her hands moves on its own accord and gently touches his face. The grip on her forearm is released and the hand moves to be on top of hers. He leans into her touch and kisses her pulse.
When she goes to pull her hand away from his face, her lets her. She runs her hand through his dark hair, gently scratching her nails against his scalp. He hums and brings his hand to push into his side. Blood seeps from the wound and he groans softly to himself.
She stops running her fingers through his hair and moves to put her hand on top of his. “Is this what it was like?” She whispers and he looks up to her. He swallows thickly but doesn’t make a sound. “Did I leave you like this?”
He nods and closes his eyes. His breathing evens out and panic grips Rey. She shakes him gently. “Hey, Hey,” She begins when his eyes flutter open. “Stay with me.” His smile is weak and his eyes close again. She can feel the tears begin to well in her eyes and she shakes her head. She shakes him gently and he groans in response.
“You can’t die here,” She begins and her voice is hoarse. “You have to get back at me for what I’ve done to you.” It sounds like a laugh that leaves his mouth and it fills her chest with something. She’s not entirely sure what it is but she can’t focus on it. She knows it’s a dream but she has to make sure he gets out. She has to make sure he gets out alive.
“I,” He croaks and Rey runs her fingers through his hair again. “I can feel you again.” She nods even though she has no idea what he means. His face distorts then and fear flitters through Rey. His eyes light up with anger and before she knows it he’s moving upwards.
He hisses at the sudden pain in his side before coming to stand at his full height. Rey jumps to her feet and scurries backwards, palm reaching to make sure she doesn’t run into anything. He’s moving quickly towards her, hand gripping his side.
“You think you could fool me?” He practically shouts and her and the scene switches.
She’s in the chair and she fights against the restraints. He’s standing before her again but he’s still sweaty and his skin shivers. The scar is prominent across his features and Rey knows that this time it’s different. She knows that this isn’t just her dream.
He’s in her mind with her.
She struggles against the chair again before turning her energy towards waking up. He laughs but it’s hallow and ends in a hiss of pain. “You think you could trick me?” A small smile plays on his lips but it isn’t one of happiness. He looks away from her then, shaking his head and laughing quietly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She says and he’s up in her face. His hands grip her restrained wrists on either side of her. The anger flashes in his eyes and his nose is scrunched in disgust. One hand moves away from her wrists and comes to rest next to her head.
He’s in her mind again and she tosses her head side to side as he pushes his way around. His influence pushes against her and the pressure of it all hurts. She fights against him the best that she can, pushes against him in her mind. His other hand comes and grips her chin roughly.
“You will not fight me this time.” He hisses out and he’s right. He pushes past any sort of defense that she created and searches for whatever he’s looking for. A few stray tears well before slipping silently down her cheeks. All at once the pressure is gone from her head and chin and he comes to stand before her.
“You really don’t know.” He whispers before moving forward to stand between her legs. His hand moves to run along her forearm. It’s soft an uncharacteristic for the scene that there in and Rey is confused. It’s her nightmare, he’s supposed to be rough and evil; the big bad. But this soft side doesn’t sit right, stirs uneasiness in her belly.
His hand moves from her arm up towards her face and he gently pushes some of her hair behind her ear. His thumb runs along her cheek before coming to run along her lower lip. He moves it away and leans in slowly. He’s inches away from her before he stops. His breath is warm against her lips and the panic swells in her again. He smirks slowly, gaze flickering between her eyes and her lips.
“Wake up, Kira.”
The covers are already off the bed in a pile on the floor. She moves like a hurricane, springing from her bed and tearing through her room to find fresh clothes. She pulls them on before fixing her hair briefly. She moves towards the door, fingers punching buttons without commands from her mind. The door slide upwards but she doesn’t move through it.
She turns slowly to look into her room. All this time spent here, all this time working for her enemy and for what? For her to be smitten by the man who wanted to kill her; for her to gain no new relevant information to their cause? For her to begin growing a small plant?
She steps back into her room and crosses over to the far wall. Her flower had finally bloomed and the scent was absolutely beautiful. She brushes her fingers across the petals, enjoying the softness of it. She sighs before removing her hand from the wonderful thing that she helped grow.
“It’s better this way,” She whispers to herself before turning away from the plant. She crosses her room quickly and stops in the passageway of the door.
“Goodbye.”