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It was a lonely day out in space.
Because, you know- it was space. There wasn’t normally a whole lot out there. Maybe if you were lucky, you’d see a rogue space rock, drifting away from the gravitational pull from a distant planet within the empty dark void of space. At the very least, the stars and clouds of purple space dust made it beautiful to look at from time to time.
Though Keith, the man who has never gotten a haircut a day in his life, had more on his mind. You see, they were apart of this elite group of space cops called the thunderca- I mean Voltron. It was a pretty cool life, all things considered. They got to go on adventures all across the galaxy everyday, they got to help people in dire need, and to top all of that off- they get to ride in these sick as hell robotic cat ships. I mean come on. Even though they spent most of their time inside their robotic cats, they still had to train hand-to-hand combat for some reason. His whole team got up early to keep their skills sharp as a whistle. The ship they were all in came jam packed with tech that aided them in their efforts. State of the art training holograms, weapons, a workshop on board, and all the cheetos you can eat. Yep, life sure was perfect-
“Hey Keith, watch out-” A hand reached forward to tug at Keith’s arm, dragging him away from a huge holographic rhino that was charging right for him.
Keith was too busy thinking about how awesome his life was to notice that he was right in the middle of a training session at this very moment. His face got red like a ripe tomato, yanking his arm away.
“Damn it, Lance! Maybe I WANTED to be trampled to death by a space rhino!”
“Gee man I’m sorry, I thought I was being a good teammate.” Lance apologized, though he was completely genuine, he still managed to sound sassy and sarcastic. He’s autistic he cannot help it.
Keith pouted, crossing his arms and stomping his little feet. He hated Lance. Ever since they both started working with Voltron, they had been at each others throats. They often compromised missions because the two got so caught up in their bickering, completely forgetting the task at hand as they were both absorbed in their own dick measuring contest. Their teammates often had to play the role of a mediator just to get the two to stop, even as they were actively getting shot at- or some other peril filled situation that made doing so extra difficult.
“I don’t understand why you are such a PUNK, Keith” Lance rolled his eyes
Apparently, “punk” is a very derogatory slur in Alien language. Keith gasped dramatically. So did everyone else on the ship. Even the holograms, mid attack- dropped everything to put a hand over their mouths.
“Oh no he didn’t!” said the hologram ancient Mongolian warrior.
“How DARE you…you…RASCAL!”
The room gasped again. Another offensive slur! This wasn’t the language to be used in this professional military workplace! These two have gone too far now.
Shiro, the leader of the Voltron unit, was lounging around in his beach chair only a few feet away. He lowered his sunglasses at the red and blue color coded paladins. He grumbled, wondering if he had to needlessly intervene. Nah, these two can work it out on their own. It isn’t like he was their boss or anything. Now back to Space Vogue Magazine. He wanted to know what Cyber Britney Spears was up to. Pidge, the short green one who had to dress up like a man to get into Voltron (because they didn’t have DEI I guess), stared at the two as they continued to throw deeply offensive slurs such as “Nincompoop” and “scallywag” at one another. Pidge was an uwu soft baby who didn’t like to get into conflict despite the fact she literally snuck into the military that is full of nothing but conflict literally all the time. Instead, she simply watched in horror as the two got even more heated at one another.
“Hey, I’m Hunk!” said Hunk, who was also there.
Finally, Shiro couldn’t ignore the sound of teenage bickering any longer. He groaned, rolling off of his comfortable beach chair and walked over to them. He stood between them, acting like a sentient hamster cage divider.
“Can you two please stop?”
“Oh okay.” They both said in unison.
Great. Shiro had to figure out how to make these two get along. This was really starting to become annoying for everyone involved. If only someone else was the leader instead of him.
“Look- I am going to send you two on a mission to a foreign alien planet all alone. There's a planet called Neocrypta that has…damn it what was it again?”
“Fossilized DNA of a long forgotten space race” Pidge brought out her holographic iPad, “We think that if we can somehow abstract enough DNA samples from the planet, we can restore the species that was wrongfully wiped out by the Grumplets.”
“Yeah what she said- we’re sending you two both down there unsupervised so you can both bond.”
Keith crossed his arms again.
“I don’t wanna go on a mission with him, I’m too emo and angsty for that!”
“Well I don’t want to go with you because you’re a hot headed little bitch, you’re socially inept, you are allergic to personal hygiene, and your father never loved you–”
“Fucking space-hell, you two- this is exactly why we’re doing this. We all need a break from your bickering!” Shiro grumbled.
The two glanced at each other for a bit. Though it hurt to hear, neither of them could deny how much they held their teams back with their constant arguments. They weren’t going to enjoy this mission in the slightest, but maybe they could still make the best of it? Keith doubted it, but this was beyond just them- they were responsible for potentially bringing back an entire extinct species! No matter how much they hated each other, they had to stay focused.
Keith took a deep breath.
“I accept the mission.”
“I do too” Lance nodded his head.
“Okay good, because I wasn’t going to give either of you a choice in the matter anyway” Shiro sighed, folding up his beach chair. So much for training his eye muscles.
—--------------------------------------------------------
The day had come.
Keith and Lance were forced to get up even earlier than usual, if you can even believe it. When everyone else on their team was dead asleep, the two shuffled through the corridors of the ship. They gathered all of the supplies they would need for the mission, trying their best to not bump into one another (and already failing, badly).
“Could you not be a fuck up first thing in the morning?” Keith complained
“Well sorry that I don’t have time to do my skin routine because of you-” Lance bickered back.
Though it wasn’t long before the ship got close enough to the planet Neocrypta to drop the two off. Unceremoniously, a giant mechanical boot roughly kicks the two into the planet’s gravitational pull, causing them to both fall at neck-breaking speeds in a giant twinky fireball. Unfortunately for everyone else on their team, though, they survived curled up in the giant crater they just created from their impact. As the two’s blurry vision begins to return, they will notice that Lance landed right on top of Keith! Aha whoops! Thats kinda gay!
“Its..its not like I like you or anything…baka!” Keith screamed directly into his ear.
“Ugh…lets just get this over with-” Lance complained as he got up to shovel space rocks into a bag.
The two spent the next several hours doing really bad archeology. You thought these teenagers were trained in digging up fossils and ancient artifacts? Hell no, Keith keeps punching the dirt with his bare hands because he doesn’t believe in shovels. Lance on the other hand kept accidentally stepping on everything he dug up, causing him to have to start all over again. Neither of them had a clue as to why Shiro thought it was a good idea to have Lance/Keith go on such an important mission. Shiro was back on the ship, watching the two from a drone-controlled space camera. He was eating space popcorn with space cola, absolutely amused to see these two idiots rolling around in the dirt to no avail.
“Ah…Shiro, you are a genius. Pretending to be a good leader is so easy.”
Shiro didn’t see any of his teammates as individuals, no- he only saw them as the tiny brains inside the cat robots. These two could get mauled to death for all he cared. They were easily replaceable. Though he wasn’t allowed to say any of that outloud.
“This is kinda fucked up” Pidge commented, peaking from behind Shiro’s chair.
“They have to learn their lesson” Shiro replied before letting out a loud snort.
Back on the surface of the planet, the two were fighting over a hunk of rock. Grabbing one end, the two tugged the rock over to their side- back and forth.
“I saw it first!”
“No I did! Back off!”
“You’ll just break it again!”
“Will not!”
“Will too!”
Suddenly, a rumbling was heard from beneath them. That caused them to freeze still- the rock perfectly in between the two of them. Their blood ran cold as the rumbling from below the surface intensified. Smaller rocks around them began to jitter– creating a clicking and clacking sound that only grew faster and faster as whatever was coming for them drew closer and closer.
The original species of this planet wasn’t genocided by the Grumplets– not entirely, at least. They were likely already long dead before the Grumplets arrived.
“Keith! Get out of here!” Lance suddenly dropped the rock, instead choosing to tightly grip Keith and launch him away from the 3 inch hole they were currently in.
Keith didn’t even get to process what was going on to complain. As he made impact safely on the other side of the dig site, his face went pale as the face of the beast finally rose from the dirt- launching specs and debris far into the air. The ground was still shaking, even as the worm-like entity slithered higher and higher.
It had a wide mouth- several rows of razor sharp teeth spin like a saw blade. The beast was semi-translucent, showing off not only its internal organs, but the undigested remains of past explorers still within its 3 stomachs. Veins pulsate through the skin, making it hard to look at without feeling acid climb up your throat, threatening to expel the contents of your lunch.
Once Keith snapped out of the fear, he knew what he had to do. Although he still hated Lance, there was no way he was going to let him get eaten by…whatever that thing was. He quickly got back up to his feet, running towards where their ship was before they were dropped off.
Shiro stared at his screen in horror.
“...Well, it was nice knowing them-” He shrugged, as it would be needless to get involved-
“Oh for FUCK sake, move over old man!” Pidge shoved Shiro out of his stupid chair as she gained control of the ship. She lowered it back down onto the surface, boiling in rage that was pent up for far too long.
Pressing a button, a blue and red robot cat dropped down to the surface of the planet. Keith managed to get right into his, using the super cool lasers to shoot at the worm creature. Pew pew pew!
But oh no, the space worm is immune to lasers! It only makes it flinch momentarily, letting Lance dart away into the field of safety.
“Keith you…saved me…”
“I know, get in your stupid cat so we can get out of here!” Keith barked, or meowed I guess.
Keith used his robot cat to hold the worm off, giving Lance more time to get inside of his cat. The worm was absolutely not having it– as it then extends its arm-like veiny tongue and grips the face of Keith’s cat. It was able to manage enough force to start crushing the head, causing dents to form along the inside of the cockpit. Keith, a devoted catholic, got onto his knees to pray to space Jesus.
Pidge was sweating up a storm. She was fairly sure she was having a panic attack trying to help these two get off the planet. Golly, was this what being in a conflict was like? It was a lot.
It wasn’t until Lance finally managed to reach Keith, clawing at the worm until it detached itself from Keith’s cat. They only had a few more minutes to escape the planet before the worm regained itself. The two held robot cat paws as they flew out, flying right into the opening door of the ship.
The worm, not planning on giving up its food for the next few days, attempted to grab them mid air– however, the power of friendship and possible homosexuality created a blinding light that caused the worm to shrivel up like a raisin.The two glanced back down on the surface of the planet, watching. They could not believe they just saved each other from an evil worm, that was so epic and cool.
Maybe these two weren’t so bad after all.
—------------------------------------------
When the two made it back safely to the ship, their team embraced them into a tight hug.
“We thought we were going to lose you!” Pidge cried, having never been inconvenienced a day in her life despite being enrolled in the space military.
“I’m Hunk” said Hunk, who was there and also happy everyone was safe.
“I always believed in you two” Shiro smiled, “I hoped you both learned a valuable lesson.”
“Shut the hell up, Shiro.” Keith flipped him off for nearly getting the two killed.
Once they were long past the planet, the whole team began to reflect on what just happened. Pidge, even though the situation was very stressful and difficult, found the whole thing a little exciting in hindsight. Maybe if she was more assertive, she could end space sexism once and for all. And maybe her egg will finally crack, who knows. Shiro was reevaluating himself as a leader. He thought, maybe he should start seeing his teammates as individual people with thoughts and feelings. That way, they could stop having so many problems. Hunk didn’t need to learn anything, he was just happy to be here.
Most importantly, though, Keith and Lance learned that…maybe team work DOES make the dream work (s animation studio). As the two sat down next to each other at the lunch table, eating the space Panda Express that is next to the Space Mcdonalds right on the ship, they stared into each others eyes.
And then they kissed and got married. Right next to the space Taco Bell.
The end.