Work Text:
Liam woke up and picked his dirty crocs off the floor, heading downstairs to pickle his morning eggs. He knew it was going to be a great day cause he didn’t shit his pants this morning. He turned on Fox News as he cleaned the fungus from between his toes.
“I hope I get a girlfriend today!” he whispered to himself. Every day he went to the local duck pond to pick up chicks, but every time he bent over he shit himself a tiny bit, and they ended up running away.
He picked up his keys for five minutes, the sweat from his disgusting hand making them slip out of his grasp and onto his dirty floor. On his way out of the house he slipped on a pile of moldy socks and slid on his ass directly into his neighbor’s dumpster, covering himself in trash. He didn’t have time to change so he raced off to work, his greasy hair blowing in the wind.
He got to his job at the dump just in the nick of time. His boss Shahid was waiting for him, arms crossed. “Already dressed for the job, eh Payne?”
Liam blushed. “I-I guess so, sir,” he muttered as he sexily brushed a tub of expired yogurt off his shoulder. He had always been in love with Shahid.
“SO…. any luck at the duck pond today?” Shahid asked nervously.
“No, but…Shahid, I’ve started to think maybe I don’t want to find anyone. Maybe the person I’m meant to be with has been here all along, right in front of my nose. And my eyes. And all the rest of me. Shahid-“
Shahid cut him off, “Please, Liam. Call me Naughty Boy.”
“Liam smiled coyly, old pizza grease sliding off his left cheek. “How about I just call you daddy?”
“BOYS! Get YOUR GREASY ASSES OVER HERE NOW!” The voice of the garbage director, Lana, rang out through the dump. Liam and Shahid broke eye contact reluctantly and waddled over to their boss, her hairy bare chest menacingly flexing. Liam gulped. He still found the gorilla incredibly attractive but he knew it was over.
“Does anyone know who this is?” Lana held up a tall blonde girl with the two strong gorilla fingers she had left. “Taylor?” Shahid yelled. “What are you doing here? You know I have work.”
“Oh, yeah, your precious garbage. You know, sometimes I think you love that garbage more than you love me, “Naughty Boy”. I knew you were trouble when you walked in to my house, trailing your grease all over my clean floors. I put up with it cause I love you so much, but god, you’re a piece of shit.”
“Oh, really? Well, I happen to love shit!!” Shahid yelled. Everyone went silent.
“Do you- do you really mean that?” Liam whispered.
He had always been self conscious about the immense number of times he shits himself during an average work day, and he knew there was no way Shahid hadn’t noticed. Had he been watching Liam’s ass?
Shahid stilled, his breath catching as he slowly turned to Liam, the grease on the bottom of his feet making it an easy slide. “You weren't supposed to find out this way. I wanted to do this right.”
Liam quickly danced to his side. “I thought I had no chance. I was ready to move on…” He began to shit himself in excitement.
Shahid smiled, his eyes full of love. “I never want you to hold back with me, Liam. In fact….I wouldn’t mind if you let go completely, if you know what I mean.”
Liam’s eyes brimmed with greasy tears. “I’ve waited so long for someone to love me for who I am. No one could ever deal with all my shit. And god I-I mean that in the most literal sense, Shahid.”
“Liam, I care about you so much. I think I know the answer to this but…do you care about me too?”
Liam grinned, seductively licking a loose chicken nugget he had found in his armpit. “Shahid? I really, really give a shit.”
The End