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Liam woke up in a panic. It was the night of his first date with Shahid. He wiped the sweat off the inside of his knees and got out of his lump of dirty blankets, immediately slipping on the puddle of sweat that had accumulated over night. He brushed his teeth with his favorite rusty wire, knocking over his leather scented body wash in the process. He looked down at his pet skunk, Stinky Simon.
“What if Shahid doesn’t like my Axe body spray? I don’t think I could handle that. He’s so sexy and I’m literally covered in shit.”
Simon just stared at him and walked away. Simon hated Liam’s guts. He was the one who had broken up Liam and his ex, Lana. Simon had seduced her at Liam’s 42nd 12th birthday party.
Liam put on his least offensive pair of jorts and his Matchbox Twenty wetsuit on over them. He knew Shahid loved his thighs and Liam wanted them to stand out. He walked downstairs to turn on his coffee machine and got his sittin’ stool out from under the fridge. He positioned it in front of the machine and waited for the water to start running. Liam never drank coffee because it made him shit himself more than usual but he liked to pretend that he did, because it made him feel grown up. He watched the coffee being made and drank his morning 12 pack of capri sun. Before he left the house, he made sure to pour the coffee over his dead potted plant, Ben Winston. Ben had died 4 years ago but Liam never stopped hoping that the coffee would give him the jolt of energy he needed to come back to life.
Liam grabbed his keys and stuffed them down his wetsuit into the pocket of his jorts. He smoothed his greasy hair down his forehead into his eyes and opened the door, ready for his date. Before he could walk out the door, Stinky Simon sauntered into the foyer and aimed his anal scent glands directly at Liam, spraying as hard as he could. Liam shouted and spun around in a quick circle, skunk spray coating his entire body.
“Simon! You’d better hope Shahid doesn’t notice this!” Liam screamed, shitting himself in embarrassment. There was no time to shower before his date. Shahid was taking him to TGI Friday’s and Liam wanted to smell his best, but he would just have to hope that Shahid was wearing his usual nose plugs.
Liam walked out the door, slipping on his greasy porch and tumbling down the stairs outside his house. He looked up, dazed, and saw his neighbor staring at him with thinly veiled disgust in his eyes, slowly walking backwards into his house as if trying not to be seen.
“Harry!” He shouted at who he considered to be his best friend. Harry’s eyes filled with panic as he realised Liam knew he was there. Liam started to walk over to Harry’s house, slipping and sliding on his own greasy lawn, reaching out and trying to grab onto Harry’s perfectly manicured lawn hedge in the shape of his husband’s ass.
“Please, Lamb Chop, don’t come over here. I can see you just fine from over there.” Harry held his Hermes scarf to his face as if trying to block out a smell.
“But my name is Liam! And I was going to ask you for some date advice for tonight. It’s my first date with this guy that I really like and-”
“Listen, Linguine, I’m really sorry but I can’t help you, I’ve never been on a date before. I wouldn’t be of much help,” Harry chuckled, motioning desperately to someone inside as if to stop them from stepping forward.
“Is that Lymphoma again?” a voice sounded from inside the house. “I’m getting my bat!” A few moments later, Harry’s husband walked outside wielding a baseball bat. “Where is he? He still hasn’t paid you back for shitting in your favorite casserole dish the one time we invited him over for dinner. “
Liam blushed, nervously creating a middle part in his hair with his handy stale dental floss. “I’m sorry, Louis. I promise I’ll wash it soon. I love you both so much, you’re like family to me. I couldn’t stand it if you were mad at me.”
Louis stopped walking forward and looked confused. “I don’t really know how to say this, Lychee, but Harry and I don’t really-
“We don’t need the dish back, Lester. You can keep it, really. Consider it a gift. Louis and I have to go now, we have a tennis tournament to get to. Goodbye forever!” Harry shouted, pulling Louis back inside.
Liam chuckled, sliding back to his broken moped and fishing his keys out of his jorts for a few minutes. He didn’t know they had a tennis court inside their house. Maybe someday he could watch a match.
He turned the key in his moped but as usual, it was dead. He picked up the broken oar from his lawn and sat sidesaddle on the seat of his Moped. He paddled down the street, using his own grease as road lubrication.
The Friday’s was dark and boarded up, but he could hear music coming from inside. He stumbled through a jagged hole in the wall and came face to face with Shahid, who was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by fiery garbage.
“I love scented candles” Liam blushed, taking off his shoes and seductively wiggling his greasy toes.
“I thought you’d prefer a homey scent. Or at least, this is what I imagine your house smells like. Maybe someday I’ll find out,” Shahid grinned widely, showing off his single molar and his breathtaking gums. “Please, sit,” he motioned to a wet newspaper lying on the floor, intimately close to his own spot.
But Liam didn’t hear him. He had just noticed where the music was coming from. He couldn’t believe his eyes.
“I know you love Maroon 5, so I hired them to serenade us. I hope that’s okay,” Shahid whispered.
“I fucking love Maroon 5! But where’s Adam Lambert?” Liam looked around the mostly empty Friday’s.
“I couldn’t afford him. But I know the drummer’s always been your favorite.” Shadid wiggled his tooth suggestively.
“Can I meet them?” Liam asked, staring at Matt Flynn in awe.
“ I don’t want them to steal you away from me,” Shahid said, jealously adjusting his fedora.
Liam looked at Shahid in appreciation, taking in the homemade loincloth he had fashioned out of napkins. He leaned in close to Shahid, checking his nose for plugs and was relieved to see that Shahid clearly couldn’t smell a thing. He sat down as close as he could.
The most beautiful man in the world, resembling the angel Gabriel walked over to them. “My name is Christian and I’ll be your server for the night. What can I get for you both?”
“Two orders of the fried pickles appetizer, and keep them coming. For drinks, we’ll have the leftover fry grease.” Shahid winked at Liam. He knew Liam loved grease due to the constant state of his greasy body.
They were silent for a moment before Liam spoke, “...Naughty Boy? Why do you wear noseplugs?”
Shahid looked down at his loincloth. “The first time I smelled you, I nearly creamed my jeans. I’ve worn noseplugs ever since to stop myself from pouncing on you. I can’t resist your stench.”
Suddenly, Liam’s favorite Maroon 5 song, Maps, started playing. Liam stood up eagerly and ran over to the stage where Matt Flynn was playing his heart out. Liam was transfixed.
“Liam, the pickles are here!” Shahid called out, but Liam didn’t even hear him. He fucking loved Maps. Shahid started to get jealous. He picked up a pickle and rubbed it on his shoulder temptingly, starting to slide it down to his nipple. “Liam! Look at me!”
Liam turned around and immediately choked on his own spit. He was so turned on he began to die. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, the sexiest man on the planet covered in fried pickles and grease.
Shahid ran over to Liam when he saw him beginning to choke. “Chipmunk!” Shahid yelled, “I’ll save you!”
He gave Liam the heimlich, and the younger man loved the feeling of Shahid’s tiny, sweaty hands feeling Liam’s chest.
In response to the hard presses, Liam spit up and a whole pickle came flying out of his throat, probably a leftover from his dinner the night before.
“Wow,” Liam moaned. “Thank you for saving my life.”
“You save mine every day.”
Liam could see Shahid leaning forward to kiss him and a hot stream of diarrhea came slithering out of his sweaty hole in excitement. He was so turned on.
Liam returned the lean and together their foreheads clunked together, both fainting.
Liam’s never fallen in love like this before.