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Nagito watches as Hajime slings his arms around Kazuichi and Fuyuhiko. They laugh.
The three of them are a gang of sorts, Nagito thinks, and they've always been. They're as close as brothers and as tight as an 8-follow-through knot.
The trio is part of a larger clique, including people like Chiaki, Sonia, Gundam and Nagito himself. They all get along famously, and Nagito enjoys being with them. They're lovely people and are all close in one way or another. But Hajime is special, and Nagito knows it. The difference is that he's in love with the spiky-haired brunet, and he's not in love with the others.
But despite the fact that Hajime is Nagito's roommate and self-proclaimed best friend, the latter boy knows he doesn't stand a chance of ever being with him romantically. He's aware that Hajime will never feel the same way about him.
Hajime loves him. Nagito knows he does. But it's not in the way he wants him to. He knows this, too, and it's alright. He's happy just being able to stay by Hajime's side. What more could he ask for? He's grateful that Hajime even bothers at all to give him his time of day.
Of course, that doesn't mean that Nagito doesn't sometimes feel jealous when Hajime isn't giving him the attention he wants.
Hajime is popular. Though not particularly talented, he's easily approachable and has a kind heart with just the right amount of sass. Lots of people in their school like him, and it's rare to see him walking down the corridors without a friend by his side during breaks or after dismissal.
One of the many girls who have a crush on Hajime is Mahiru. Mahiru, the freckled, red-headed photographer who never lets her guard down around the male species but who seems to have made a slight exception for Hajime.
Nagito smiles faintly as Hajime sits on a bench, his arms wrapped comfortingly around Mahiru as she bites her trembling lip and tries her hardest not to cry. Part of Nagito wishes he could be the one in Hajime's tight embrace. The other part of him tells him to stop being so damned selfish, and hopes Mahiru feels better soon.
Nagito blinks.
Chiaki is a girl who is very different from Mahiru. Though she is, like the photographer, very determined to stand up for what she believes in, she often expresses her opinions in a gentler, kinder manner. Nagito likes Chiaki. She is a very sweet girl, and both he and Hajime tend to unconsciously dote on her every now and then. She is a good listener who cares very much for the wellbeing of her friends, and while she does not have any romantic feelings for Hajime, she is aware that Nagito does.
"Do you think you'll ever tell him?" She asks the white-haired boy one day as they sit in her dorm playing video games.
Nagito bites his lip and mashes a button on his controller. "Hm," he says thoughtfully. "Probably not."
Chiaki hums in response and pauses the game, taking Nagito by surprise mid-button-mash.
"You should. Not now, but maybe someday," she whispers seriously, looking directly into Nagito's eyes. She sounds concerned, and Nagito doesn't blame her. He knows it, and Chiaki knows it too. He's fallen hard for Hajime Hinata.
Nagito blinks.
Chiaki tilts her head slightly at the lack of response and sighs. "... I think," she finishes.
Nagito smiles.
Life carries on, and Nagito grows used to the events that take place if only for the sole purpose of spiting him.
He always seems to catch Hajime at the worst times. He sees him promising to take Hiyoko out on a (albeit platonic) date, to go weight training with Nekomaru, to go for karaoke with Ibuki. He watches as Hajime kisses Sonia's hand and makes her giggle, as he presents Mikan with flowers to cheer her up, as he carries Akane on his back (though a bit painfully so).
Nagito knows all this means nothing in particular to Hajime. They're all just part of his daily life, playing with and helping out his friends. It's nothing special, and he knows that. Hajime knows that. There's no romantic intention behind any of it.
But still, Nagito...
No, he's not jealous. Jealousy is when you fear something — or someone — of yours will be taken away from you.
Hajime is not his.
He does not belong to him.
And Nagito knows this all too well.
So he's not jealous.
What Nagito is is envious.
Envy is wanting what someone else has, and Nagito thinks that description fits what he's feeling rather well.
He tries to suppress these horrible feelings, he does; but a mere human can only take so much.
Nagito curses himself for feeling the way he does, for being so pathetic, for having fallen so damned hard for Hajime Hinata.
During spring break one day, the whole gang is at a party. It's held at Sonia's massive holiday home, which is practically a mansion on the outskirts of the city. Half the school seems to have been invited, and as with all large-scale parties run by teenagers, there is, of course, alcohol.
The party is wild, and goes on until the wee hours of the morning. Intoxicated teenagers have draped themselves across the coffee table, the sofa, nearly every flat surface available.
Nagito, who has not had a single drop, sits at the kitchen counter at two in the morning, quietly sipping hot chocolate from a mug. The party was lovely, he thinks, but it seems that he is now the only one in the entire mansion who is even remotely sober. He thought at least Mikan or Mahiru might have abstained from drinking, seeing as the two usually prefer to stay away from alcohol as well, but the two were convinced by Ibuki and Hiyoko respectively, and were now just as wasted as the rest of the population in Sonia's house.
Nagito exhales into his hot mug and allows the heat to wash over him. It feels nice, he muses.
He wonders where Hajime is. He hasn't seen the brunet since maybe midnight, and though he knows he doesn't have to be, he's growing worried. Hajime doesn't have a very good alcohol tolerance — it's something he learned the hard way — but neither does he have the heart to turn down drinking requests from his friends, so...
Nagito finishes off the rest of his hot chocolate and takes a deep breath, preparing himself to climb over all the drunken teenagers in search of the brunet.
But just as he's about to get up from his seat, as if on cue, Hajime appears before him. His hair and clothes are disheveled and his eyes are tired, but he doesn't seem to be that wasted. At least, not as much as the passed-out teens lying on the floor around them.
Nagito's fear is partially eased, but the sight of lipstick stains on Hajime's cheek and once-neat white shirt are what make his eyes go wide and send an unsettling feeling coursing through him.
"Hi," he chokes out, unsure what to say.
Hajime smiles, his eyes having trouble staying open.
"Hi," he says in reply, his voice slurred slightly.
"Did you drink a lot?" Nagito asks, eyeing the lipstick stains.
"Not that much," Hajime admits, sounding mildly amused. "I was with Kazuichi all the way up till my fourth or fifth shot. I passed out after that, I think... And when I came to —" he gestures to the lipstick stains — "there was all this."
Nagito bites his lip and silently curses the lucky person for taking advantage of Hajime in his drunken state like that. How dare they.
... And maybe he's a little upset that he wasn't the one kissing him, too.
Hajime lets out a little laugh that Nagito thinks is absolutely enchanting.
"Why?" Hajime asks, watching as Nagito stares skeptically at the cherry red prints that stand out in contrast to the white background of his shirt.
Nagito shrugs.
A playful smirk forms on Hajime's intoxicated lips.
"Are you jealous, Nagito?" He teases, laughing as Nagito's eyes widen in surprise.
The latter's words are caught in his throat, and it takes a while before he regains his composure and replies.
"No," Nagito says firmly. "I'm not jealous."
I'm not jealous, Hajime, he thinks.
I can't be jealous, because you're not mine.
...
And you probably never will be, either.
"I'm just envious."