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One day Graystripe was exploring a portion of ThunderClan territory that he somehow had never before set paw in despite living at the territory by the lake for several arcs, and found a patch of purple berries with faces on them. They were all asking each other if they 'member certain things.
"Member the old forest?"
"Yeah I member. Member the mountains?"
"Member when Heavystep died twice?"
"Oh, anyone member the stick?"
"Member when The Last Hope was supposed to be the grand finale?"
"Oh yes I member."
"Member when Rowanclaw was a she-cat?"
"Member when cat names had a space in between each word instead of all being written as one word?"
“Member Spottedleaf?”
"Member when StarClan's role was limited to occasionally sending cryptic dreams that don't make sense until after the fact and giving Clan leaders their nine lives?"
"I know right. Nowadays they might as well be living cats but with a bit more majesty and reverence."
He grabbed a pawful of berries and swallowed them. He felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. Member the Old Forest? That stuck out to him. "Yes, I member the old forest," he said to himself. "I member the old ThunderClan." The sense of nostalgia was overpowering. So much so in fact that his desire to go on a wander outweighed his desire to be there for his Clan. And go on a wander he did.
Somewhere beyond the outskirts of the lake territories he saw a familiar orange pelt flash at the edge of his vision.
"Firestar? Is that you? No way! You're alive?!" Graystripe was unsure how to process this latest bombshell.
"Yes, I'm still alive." Firestar confirmed.
"But… Your spirit went up in StarClan for the final time. I saw you die. Bramblestar is Clan leader now."
"Did you really see me die?" Firestar pressed.
"What do you mean?" Greystripe was flustered.
"Did you see the exact moment where I died?"
"I…uhh…Ya know, maybe I didn't."
"Think about it. I received no severe injuries during the battle with Tigerstar's spirit. I think StarClan might have miscalculated. If they ever find me they might actually finish the job so that's why I ran away from the Clans. I'm pretty sure I was supposed to die there given the randomness and symbolism of fire, but their attempt to kill me didn't seem to be very calculated at all. I think they sent the rain a bit too early before I could either burn to death or inhale a ton of smoke. As far as I know Bramblestar thinks he has 9 lives when he actually has 8."
"Actually, about that, Bramblestar has been taken over by a cat spirit who we believe to be Ashfur leaving StarClan to try to be with Squirrelflight even after death."
"That Ashfur was a real creep. Dunno why StarClan even accepted him. The StarClan I know would have sent him to the Dark Forest. How could they possibly believe him to have sincerely repented? “Oh he loved too much.” Are you kidding me? Can StarClan seriously not tell the difference between love and obsession? I’m glad to not have died just to go to such an incompetent afterlife. They are not my StarClan!” Firestar emphasized that last part by unsheathing his claws and scratching the dirt. “If I did die and go there I would have to speak to their manager. Anyway I’m kinda hungry. May I have some member berries?” Greystripe plucked out some of the talking berries and deposited them onto a leaf that he then wrapped them up in to make a leaf wrap, and gave it to Firestar.
"Member when StarClan wasn't a bunch of buffoons and was actually wise?" A member berry said in its high pitched voice.
“Member when your Twolegs would read from the Bible and do Bible study?”
“Oh yes, I member,” Firestar began. “When I was still a kittypet I only barely member my Twolegs opening up a thick rectangle full of small, thin rectangular white pelts while discussing whatever in their Twoleg language, and that member berry further reminded me. I think they called it a Bible and they believe in something called God. I think it’s like their version of StarClan or something.” Firestar was recollecting. “I wonder if Princess is still alive and well. I bet she misses me. I’ll come with you on your wander.”
Greystripe and Firestar walked side by side across the vast countryside which gave way to mountains.
"Look, it's Highstones!" Firestar meowed gleefully. "We're not far off from our old home! Let's go! Race ya!"
"You're on!" Greystripe affirmed. Despite being older than the hills they retained their inner kithood and raced each other to the old forest, with Firestar maintaining a slight lead.
"Mind if I go into Highstones for a moment to see if I can reach StarClan from there?" Greystripe asked.
When Graystripe reached the Moonstone, a lightning bolt struck it, shattering it.
“Nevermind. They destroyed the Moonstone. Probably cuz they heard about us threatening to speak to their manager or something and decided to engage in whiny snowflake behavior,” he told Firestar.
On the other side of the Thunderpath they reached what they could still recognize as their old camp despite the countless differences.
"This was our old camp. Now just more Twolegplace." Greystripe said wistfully.
Firestar recognized his old Twoleg home.
“Pssst! Princess!” Firestar climbed over the fence to his old Twoleg home.
“Firestar?! Is it really you? You look so old, so wise, so muscular.”
"Yes, I am." Firestar confirmed. They touched noses.
“So Princess, can you fill me in on when our Twolegs would gather in here and read fron the pelt of pelts that I think they referred to as a Bible? I very vaguely remember something like that from my time living as a kittypet.”
“Aw yes. Our Twolegs' church closed down and one of my Twolegs is a pastor that preached at that church so he's been holding Bible studies in this home. The Ten Commandments are equivalent to what you guys would call the Warrior Code.”
“Well, the cats of StarClan allowed someone into StarClan that shouldn’t have been there and now he’s been causing all sorts of trouble. I was just curious about if this so-called God has any kind of vetting process for souls, maybe the StarClan cats could learn something from him.”
“Hold on, slow down. What is this StarClan you speak of?"
"They are the spirits of dead cats. If you’re a good cat you go to StarClan and if you’re an evil cat you go to the Dark Forest. They started out giving cryptic prophecies but then this evil yandere cat named Ashfur went to StarClan for some reason. Apparently StarClan thought that he was repentant. Do they not know cats’ hearts? I haven’t really been in the loop of what’s been going on in ThunderClan since StarClan tried to kill me, which is another long story on its own that I don’t feel like getting into right now, but Greystripe tells me that Ashfur somehow must have blocked off StarClan and possessed Bramblestar’s body to try to force himself on Squirrelflight. The fact that Tigerstar could theoretically have gone to StarClan, there’s just no excuse for that. I hate to think what could happen if Tigerstar went to StarClan.”
“Who’s Tigerstar?” Princess asked.
“Only the most evil cat besides Ashfur. He hated half-Clans and tried to kill our leader Bluestar, and even tried to kill me a few times.”
"Yeah I can't imagine the God of the Bible letting someone into heaven because he was unaware that they hadn’t actually repented.”
“Oh, not only that but there have been times when they accidentally sent someone to the Dark Forest that they shouldn’t have and since afterlife destinations are your final destination then there’s no way for them to ever correct their mistake.”
“I can’t imagine the God of the Bible doing that either. God doesn’t make mistakes.”
“So you’re telling me the God of the Bible is better than StarClan, since StarClan cats are clearly fallible?”
“I think he’s smarter and more competent, not to mention infallible. I don’t think I could imagine believing in a religion where a deity could accidentally send you to the wrong afterlife. I would never be able to have peace of mind ever again.”
"Seems like StarClan could learn a thing or two from the God of the Bible. Maybe they should attend classes on how to perfectly vet souls who are trying to enter StarClan.”
Firestar shuddered. What if when I lose my 9th life I accidentally end up in the Dark Forest? Can I ever trust StarClan to send me to StarClan like they’re supposed to? Oh geez, how I wish I was immortal. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about being sent to the wrong afterlife. And then Firestar had an epiphany. If I convert to Christianity then I should have no more worries about accidentally being sent to the wrong afterlife. Firestar pulled out a Bible from the bookshelf.
“Mind if we borrow this for a bit?” Firestar asked.
“My human has multiple Bibles. Knock yourself out.” Firestar picked up the Bible in his mouth and he and Graystripe bolted out of the Twoleg den and back toward the direction of the lake, carrying the Bible. Soon the cats would learn all about God and Christianity.
Meanwhile back at the lake, Willowshine had received a huge ask from Bristlefrost and Rootspring.
“Since you can take cats into the Dark Forest from the MoonPool, can you also take in badgers and foxes? If Ashfur isn’t gonna fight fair, neither should we.”
“Hmmm, you have a point there. Okay, let’s go! It just so happens that I found a badger den not too far from here. Follow me.” Willowshine plucked some poppy seeds and put them in a leaf wrap, crawled into the badger den, and forcefed them to the badgers. The badgers all went to sleep before they knew what was up. They found a nearby fox den and did the same thing to the foxes who lived there. “Quickly, drag them all the way to the MoonPool,” Willowshine ordered. Bristlefrost and Rootspring obeyed, taking multiple trips to and fro for each badger and fox. The three of them forced the badgers and foxes underneath the MoonPool and took them alive into the Dark Forest.
“He he he, Ashfur won’t stand a chance against our foolproof army of badgers and foxes.”
“MWAHAHA!” Ashfur laughed evilly. “You pathetic cats have no chance against me.”
“Oh I beg to differ. We have all the chances against you and then some,” Willowshine countered.
“HA HA HA, you and what army?” Ashfur sneered.
“This army!” Cue the army of badgers and foxes who had awoken from their involuntary nap. Ashfur’s blue eyes popped out of their sockets like a surprised cartoon character, or like Diddy and Dixie when they enter a boss stage in DKC2.
One of the foxes bit off Ashfur’s left eye. A badger tore off his nose. Another badger castrated him.
“That’s what you get for trying to force yourself on me!” Squirrelflight yelled as loud as she could in his other ear. One of the foxes pooped in Ashfur's mouth. Several badgers tore into his flesh.
“Not so powerful now, eh?” Willowshine taunted.
“You guys are lame.” Those were Ashfur’s last words before succumbing to injuries caused by a badger ripping out his intestines and using them as a bungee cord.
“Okay everyone, back to the land of the living now that Ashfur is no more.”
They all exited the Moonpool and dropped off the foxes and badgers into their respective dens and got back to ThunderClan territory just i time to see Graystripe come back with… Firestar?!
“Firestar? I thought you were dead. Everyone thought you were dead,” Bramblestar gasped.
“I have come back to tell you all about Christianity, about God and Jesus and the Ten Commandments. StarClan is the wrong religion for us to follow. It makes literally no sense to follow a bunch of fallible dead cats who can make mistakes when assigning cat spirits to a particular afterlife when we can follow a deity who doesn’t make mistakes. Come on, let’s all study the Bible together.”
And so at the next Gathering Firestar and Greystripe delivered a church sermon to the other Clans, telling them all about the Bible, God, and Jesus Christ dying for our sins and decided to scrap the Warrior Code in favor of the Ten Commandments.
“He makes some good points.” Several of the cats murmured in agreement.
“Yeah StarClan just isn’t it. If we were following this God fella, Ashfur would never have ended up in StarClan, or heaven as He calls it.” Just like that the Clans all abandoned their faith in StarClan and placed their face in Jesus Christ.
“THERE HE IS! We’re not gonna miss this time!” The cats of StarClan centered their reticle on Firestar, who had by now forgotten all about his earlier paranoia about StarClan actively hunting him down to make up for their failure to kill him right at the end of the Dark Forest battle.
In the midst of the Bible study Firestar suddenly burst into flames without any apparent cause.
“OW OW OW OW! I’M ON FIRE!” Firestar screamed. He jumped into the lake. As soon as he emerged the flames reignited. “OW I’M ON FIRE AGAIN!” His pelt melted off, revealing a bare cat skeleton.
“Looks like I have another life now,” Bramblestar said so casually. Instead of StarClan, Firestar’s body ascended into heaven. He blew a raspberry. "Ha ha, suck it StarClan!"