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Pine. Its fragrance still lingered in the seats and the air, reminding June of what brought her here in the first place. The needles nestled in the nooks and crannies of the floor mats. She stared at them as she kept her head down, out of sight. Nick was forgetting, his mind elsewhere, apparently. He should have cleaned this up by now. This could be evidence if he were questioned about those two Guardians at the water park, which was around the forest. As far as she could remember, pine trees weren’t in New Bethlehem.
June peered at the back of Nick’s head as he kept driving on. Raindrops gradually plinked down, and then all at once, a constant beating lullaby. She recalled his distraught face when he arrived at Lawrence’s. He didn’t have to say a word, but she knew. Something happened, something was wrong. Maybe they did question him about the Guardians. They were shot dead, weren’t they? A simple, open-and-shut case. Oh, but nothing is ever simple here. Did he get caught?
She wasn’t sure how far away Nick’s house was, but she hoped it wasn’t too far. This was the second time tonight she had to hide in the back of a car, risking a man’s life to bring her to safety. Hiding. Always hiding, the two of them. In hallways, rooms, abandoned buildings, sometimes even in plain sight, if they controlled themselves enough. Where would they be if things were different? Would they always have to be a delicate secret worth dying for? After a life behind closed doors, could she dare a life open with Nick?
“Thank you,” June whispered into the darkness, hoping it carried enough weight to get across to him.
“You already said that,” Nick responded tiredly, not looking back at her.
She was always thanking him, putting him to some good use. But it wore him down over the years, hanging off his shoulders and pulling at the eyes, graying some hairs around the ears. My, has he changed. Was she responsible for this metamorphosis? Or would his bravery always have gotten the best of him? She always pushed it too far, asking for more. She could admit this. Pleasing her was no basic task.
“How did you get the code?” June continued. “For the safe?” She reached down to her apron pocket, making sure the letters were still there.
“I know my way around,” he simply said, letting the pouring rain fill the space.
“Did anyone see you?” She carefully watched in the rearview mirror, a sight she was all too familiar with. Oh, when would she ever be in the passenger seat beside him, to see that beautiful profile? The dark eyebrows and eyes, what could they be saying?
He shook his head a little. “No. I heard Commander Bell come down the hall from the elevator before I left the room. He had your friend with him.”
“Janine?” she nearly gasped. Her heart ached knowing her friend had to spend another night with that creep. She couldn’t wait until this dumb Mayday plan was over with.
Nick blinked a few times, remembering, wishing he could’ve done something. “Yeah.”
“She gave me the letters,” she admitted. “I promised I would get them out.”
“You know better than to make promises like that,” he told her.
June observed his face again. Something really was wrong with him. He felt stiff and so far away from her. She wanted to reach out and hold him, take him to a place where his worries wouldn’t follow. Maybe that’s what tonight was for. His reckless request to have her spend the night, his big empty house all to themselves now that Rose and her father were away. He was unraveling at the seams, spilling out what he kept in so long. She saw it at the water park, and she sees it now. She was so used to seeing him be strong and reserved, but dams tend to break and beams are bound to buckle in. She was going to fix this.
“The plan,” she sighed and nearly rolled her eyes, “the plan was flawed from the beginning. Luke just wanted to blow the place up, and Moira was gonna go in by herself to warn the women…”
“Luke?” Nick questioned, raising his eyebrows.
“Yeah, with Mayday. I told them it was dangerous. And look where we ended up.”
“I thought you would be in Alaska by now, with your mom and Holly.”
The mention of their daughter’s name on his lips made her warm again. She pictured her sweet face, big blue eyes, and little thumb in her mouth. She was already missing so much; she couldn’t imagine what Nick must be feeling. Childhood was fleeting, with memories making or breaking it entirely. She wanted Nick and her to be there for Holly so badly. Would she ever dare to entertain the possibility of that?
“She’s safe, I told you.” This was the most June could offer now.
He did a little nod. “She needs you, June.”
No, she needs you, she wanted to reply. She already screwed everything up, she was certain Nick could do better. But that would be unfair. They deserved to parent their daughter together, under the safest of protections and the most serene of peace.
After a little while, the car slowed down and came to a stop. June felt like she could breathe again. She steadily and cautiously lifted her head and saw the most boring, cookie-cutter-shaped house before her eyes. It appeared to be constructed of ninety percent windows, and the prospect of privacy was slim. A glass house. Perfect.
“Alright, let’s go in,” Nick sighed, after carefully surveying the surroundings.
They walked close together as Nick used his jacket to poorly shield them from the rain. They quickly went up the steps and to the door. June sensed the heat of his body next to hers, and the cool of the rain didn’t bother her anymore. She noticed he used no key to open the door, but once they were inside, he locked the door handle and deadbolt. They were safe now.
Nick moved to hang his soaking jacket on the coat rack. The entryway was dark, but a little lamp shone through, revealing enough. June didn’t care to look at anything; all she could see was Nick. They stood there in the silence, a clock ticking in the next room. They were closer than they’ve been in a while, their shoes draining into the same puddle of rainwater. June knew they only had the night, but she wanted to stay this way for hours.
“You hungry?” Nick nearly whispered.
With his presence alone, she was reminded of how starving, how insatiable she actually was. But it wasn’t for food, no, but for something else she knew only he could satisfy. Was he also feeling as ravenous? Playing it safe, for now, she had to shake her head. She should be hungry, as she hadn’t eaten anything since leaving this morning. But after doing what Moira and she did at Jezebel’s, her appetite had gone missing. She was half tempted to discover what kind of cook Nick really was, but she would rather not waste the food or effort.
“Me either,” Nick said, his words curiously echoing the same feeling. What happened?
“I, um, I could use a shower, though,” June requested, feeling her clothes uncomfortably stick to her skin.
“Okay,” he nodded, leading her up the stairs. He grabbed some fresh towels from a linen closet and a set of clean clothes from a bedroom. They were black, so she assumed they were his. He switched the bathroom light on for her.
The room was white and spotless, putting June in a difficult position. She’ll have to be careful, leaving no trace behind.
“I’ll be downstairs,” Nick said, giving her space.
“Hey, wait,” June stopped him. She hesitated slightly, then removed her head covering, tousling her damp hair. She handed it to Nick, keeping her eyes on him. Then, she followed with her wet cloak, apron, and, finally, the dress, watching his face. He was softening around the edges, but still kept his respectful distance. “We need to destroy these. Burn them. Hopefully, they’ll be ashes by the morning.”
“Will they be looking for you?” Nick questioned, digging deeper into the issue. What does he know?
What will happen once the Guardian Moira and she killed won’t report back? She hoped their face coverings kept them anonymous, but she couldn’t be too careful. Jezebel’s was already on lockdown; surely the Martha’s, women, and Commanders will be questioned. Luke was also acting suspicious, sparking an investigation. She hoped Moira was being smart and safe as well, back at Lawrence’s. When you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes, she supposed. But June couldn’t think of any prize being won here.
“Possibly,” she had to admit, bringing Nick into her problems once more. Why did she always have to do this?
Nick reached into the apron pocket, taking out the letters. “I’ll keep these safe.”
June nodded, a draft coming in the bathroom, sending a chill over her exposed skin. “Thanks, again,” she said one more time before closing the door on him.
***
The scent of burning cotton was not dissimilar from burning wood, so thankfully, no questionable aroma would remain in the morning. Nearly half of the Martha garb was already gray ash in the fireplace, setting June’s nerves at ease. She took in the warmth of the fire before finding Nick in the kitchen. He was wearing different clothes now, nearly identical to hers, a black t-shirt and lounge pants. Sitting at the table was some lemon balm tea he had made for her. He was busy closing all the curtains, sheltering them for the night.
“You took a house by the beach?” June started casually, stirring the sugar in her tea. She heard the calming waves while drying off after her shower, sending her to memories she hadn’t even had yet.
“I didn’t pick it,” he answered, finishing with the curtains and sitting across from her at the table.
“Rose?” She could barely look at him while saying her name. Who knew such a sweet-sounding word could leave a bitter taste in the mouth?
“Come on, you know this place isn’t me,” he matched her laid-back attitude, pouring the kettle into his cup.
She had to smile. “I think you would be happy living in a shoebox.” He offered that cute little grin of his, which sent her to a whole different world. “Do you still think about it? The apartment?” She took a sip from her cup.
He bobbed the tea bag in his water, thinking. “I drive by it sometimes. I still have the key.”
June raised her eyebrows. “Did they ever rebuild the house?”
He nodded. “Can’t have an eyesore like that remaining in the neighborhood.” He sprinkled in some sugar. “Someone else is living in it now.”
What was once theirs has become someone else’s. She wished she could go back one more time with him. Spend a night like this one. There, she found her freedom and voice. There, she met a man like no one else. There, she truly understood love for the first time. Did he feel the same? She reached across the table and took his hand.
“Hey, are you okay?” She remembered his demeanor in Lawrence’s basement once more. The lost look in his eyes, the tight embrace. Sometimes I think you’re the only good thing in my life.
He took a sip of his tea before answering. Then he fished something out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
A tooth.
June’s heart started beating fast, a cold sweat forming. “Did you find that in the room?”
He nodded and sighed. “What happened, June?”
The images flashed in her mind, sharp and clear, enough to cut deep and spill blood. She looked deep into Nick’s eyes, hoping to find understanding. “You know how the Guardians are at that place.”
“Did he hurt you?” This was important to him.
“Almost. But Moira…” She shook her head, drinking her tea. “I should never have let this happen.”
“And the body?”
“We took care of it.” Her eyes dug into Nick’s, curious. “What about you?”
He blinked a few times, shifting in his seat. His eyes were downcast, filled with a vision that would haunt him for his entire lifetime. “It’s finished.”
June’s eyebrows knitted together. “What do you mean?”
He cleared his throat, but still refused to look at June. “One of the Guardians I shot was in a coma. He woke up and remembered me.” His empty eyes trailed to hers. “I took care of it. Today, actually.”
June’s heart shattered at this revelation. He’s done it for her again. She’s tired of this story, her messes being cleaned up by other people. Where was the accountability? The ownership? This was hurting Nick, in more ways than she ever imagined. And here he was, not only protecting her, but also Moira and her husband. Then the thought crept into her mind: what has she done to deserve Nick?
“Wharton is on to me about it,” Nick continued. He gave a light chuckle. “This is more of his house than it is mine.”
June didn’t laugh. “Is he like Waterford?”
“Sometimes I think he’s worse.” He looked down into his lap. “Reminds me too much of my own father.”
June tried to blink back the tears. There she was, living in a paradise with her mother and daughter, so far away from this mess. But Nick was stuck here, dealing with a monster chewing on his back. She knew she could count on Nick to try to be smart and keep the peace, but this time seemed to be different. What was it about Wharton that made Nick so terrified of him?
She moved around the table and sat beside him, putting her arms around him, bringing him closer. She felt him relax a little bit, but he was still upset. Resting her head against his, she whispered, “It’ll be okay. I’m here. I’m here.” She turned his face so she could look at him. His eyes were a desolate pit of darkness, longing for just a flicker of light in the distance. “I love you, okay? I love you.”
A tear fell from his eyes, and he leaned in, kissing her desperately. His lips held on to hers, afraid to let go, afraid this, too, could be taken from him. And she met him there, each time, taking him in, welcoming him to her shelter, her lifeboat from a sinking ship. Breathless, he broke away, clarity in his eyes for the first time that night.
“Thank you,” he said quietly, kissing her once more.
She held his face, their foreheads together, living off their energy, their love. She could stay here, too, forever.
“Let’s go upstairs,” he suggested, but it came across more like a plea.
She nodded and rose from the chair, Nick following. He took hold of her hand, interlocking their fingers, and suddenly brought her closer, grabbing her waist, and kissed her again and again, as if this was what he was put on this Earth for. June embraced the passion and earnestness; it’s been a long time--too long--having to go without.
“Nick,” she breathed against his ear as he worked his way across her neck. “Come on, we’re not gonna make it up the stairs.”
And then she felt it. His smile across her warm, freshly kissed skin. Perhaps Heaven was not only a place, but more of a feeling--a deep, endless, electrifying feeling.
He led them up the stairs, as fast as their love-glazed eyes allowed, putting her up against a door as soon as the chance arose. Her hands found his hair, thankful it was a little longer than last time. Oh, when was the last time anyway? She couldn’t think. All she knew was that his warm body was against hers and his hands were traveling to places that had been left untouched for far too long. Free admission, no ticket needed.
She brought a hand down, searching for the door handle. Fumbling, she turned the knob, and they almost toppled in.
“Not here,” Nick nearly exclaimed, out of breath.
June looked around the room, and the mood was immediately killed. The glowing moonlight and streetlamps through the windows revealed enough. A rocking chair, a small bookcase half-filled with books, a picture of a lion cub and his mother, a shelf of colorful wooden toys, a changing table. And a giant wooden crate lay in the center. She knew what this was. And oh, what could’ve been between them.
“Everyone is saying it’s a boy,” Nick said after a silence that felt like an eternity.
“You want a girl?” June spoke softly.
He looked at her and shrugged. “I guess raising a son in this place would be better for everyone, but…”
“I don’t see how bringing up a future Commander is any easier, Nick.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he paced around the room. “With Wharton, he’ll be on my back no matter what the baby turns out to be. It’ll never be enough for him.”
While June was hurt that he was having a child with another woman, she was even more devastated that he would never get to parent his child the way he truly wanted. Being a Commander gave him some freedom, but it has not given him many choices. He is just trapped in a different way in a different system, playing by a different set of rules.
“I guess I should start building the crib soon, huh?” His hand ran over the large wooden crate. But there was a reason why he had waited this long.
“Have you picked names?” June tried to lighten up the mood.
He searched June’s face, understanding where she was taking him. He nodded, a soft smile forming. “Daisy Mae, after my mom.”
June’s eyes fluttered shut, her lips forming a smile. “That’s beautiful.”
“Yeah?” Nick stepped closer to her, their energy igniting again.
She threw her arms over his shoulders. “And if you have a boy?” She knew, now, this wasn’t about Rose or even the baby anymore. This was about them. And it would always be about them as long as they both fought for it. Now they were in their place, the only place that was left remaining when they finally let the world disappear.
“I don’t know,” he answered, “maybe Chad or something.”
Laughter, genuine laughter, escaped from June’s mouth. How did he do it? “You’re not naming your son Chad.”
He smiled, teasing. “Why not? It’s easy to say, easy to spell. He’ll thank me later for it.”
She shook her head and laughed again. “No! You can’t do that.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I can’t?”
“I won’t allow it,” she said quickly and kissed him.
“Okay, I won’t,” Nick said against her lips.
June squeezed her eyes shut, trying desperately to be present, but the tears came anyway. “They’re going to put you on the Wall, aren’t they?” She leaned her head back to look at him, his face somber.
“I did what I could, June,” he said, shaking his head, disappointed that the mood shifted. “But they’ll find a way. I don’t trust Wharton. I’m no good to him, I never have been.” He stepped away, rubbing the nape of his neck. “I wish the Mayday plan had never happened. Both of them.”
June was taken aback a little. “What do you mean?”
“You knew it was too dangerous.” He looked at her seriously. “If you want to blow things up and make a bunch of noise, then be my guest. But this isn’t how you’re going to get Hannah back. I’m sorry.”
She nodded, smirking. “Right, so I’m supposed to walk up to the McKenzies and ask nicely? Get on my knees and beg?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “What is wrong with you?”
“You’re going to get me killed, that’s what’s wrong.” He threw at her. “Is that what you want? Because everything you do will get traced back to me. It already has. I can’t help you if I’m dead.”
June bit her lip, defeated. He was right, she knew he was right deep down. Luke had no experience with the resistance or even Gilead itself; his fight was purely based on his own rage and need to prove himself once and for all. There was a type of unspoken guilt there, both of them wrapped up in it like an invisible cloak. This was the man she risked Nick’s life for? It seems so, considering where she ended up.
She looked at Nick, searching for his soul, listening for his heartbeat. And this was the man who risked his life and everything he had for her, before he ever was a Commander, and had the power to do anything substantial. Right from the beginning, she was it. She always has been. And here she was taking it for granted. Although Nick’s plans and actions were quietly done in the background, barely noticeable, that was the point. They still made an important impact and meant something. Was rushing in and killing everybody the answer? Mayday originally shrugged off the women at Jezebel’s as collateral damage anyway. This was who she chose to deal with.
Nick knew this place inside and out. He spoke their language, walked the walk, attended the parties, wore the suit, breathed the same air. As he told her earlier, he knew his way around. If she cared to do the math, she would understand that he grew up in this hell, too. This was his life. If anything, he was the one she should be making plans with. But this would also get him killed. Could she live the rest of her life with a Nick-sized hole in her heart?
“I’m sorry,” June told him, feeling pathetic. “I know I haven’t appreciated what you’ve done nearly enough.” She wiped a tear away with the back of her hand. “And I know I can’t take it back. This place…this place changes you, makes you do things you never wanted to do. Turns you into someone else.” She knew this was a weak excuse, but it was true all the same.
Concerned, Nick came back to her, holding her face in his hands. “Hey,” he wiped her tears away with his thumbs. “I know who you are. Do you know me?”
She blinked her wet eyes several times, looking at the only man who had ever been truly devoted to her. Oh, how did this happen, of all the people in the world and timelines of history, here the two of them were, figuring out this mess together. But who would she rather do it with? She nodded her head. “Of course I do.”
He leaned in and kissed her, a forgiveness, an understanding. “Good,” he said against her lips, barely above a whisper.
She kissed him back, short and sweet, but oh so full of love. “What do we do now?”
“I have some ideas,” he smiled, taking her hands. “Come with me.”
As he led her out of the nursery, she wondered if these “ideas” had to do with rebellion or simply the bedroom. However, considering the two of them, she knew those were one and the same. And she couldn’t wait to find out.