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“What does a wave feel for the rock upon which it crashes?”
“Nothing.”
“...”
He might be stupid for thinking he had a chance. Even if there may be one, this wasn't a good idea. They weren't meant to be. Jhin was not deserving of this… of this feeling. This… sick rambling on his chest that he recently identified as being love.
Love was a concept Jhin thought he knew, at least in theory. All the plays, the poems, the books and the songs he cherished the most were about love. But reality tends to be way bitter than the fake scenarios he wrote or read about. And as he got closer and closer to Hwei, the more he realized that loving was not meant for him.
He stared at the mirror in front of him. His image, shattered and distorted, revealed an even more broken heart. He didn't remember the last time he cried and he wished he didn't have to relive that again. His lungs ached from sobbing and his vision blurred with tears. He reached for his mask for a moment but… no. This is not the moment for him to step in. He just needs to get over it. He could handle it a bit longer.
Earlier this morning, a soft rain made the temple of Koyehn a cozy, warm place to be. He will miss it, surely. But he could always come back from time to time.
The heir of the place – who after all these weeks he had grown quite fond of – brought to the atelier all the tools they'd need.
“Good morning, Jhin.” Said man greeted, stretching his back as he put everything in place. The weather surely made him consider spending a few more hours in bed but he just couldn't bring himself to waste any more time away from Jhin; especially when their mentorship was so close to it's last days.
All things must end… but this wasn't the end yet.
“Today is a bit too humid for painting, so I decided to bring in some clay. Is that alright with you?”
“Absolutely. Yes!” A smile made its way into Jhin's expression, making his dimples even more accentuated. “Do you have a theme in mind?”
“Hm… I don't know. Why don't we just create something that resonates with our hearts then?” Hwei proposed. A theme as subjective as this was completely different from the ones he'd always been assigned to, and thus it was exactly what he needed to explore in order to be more free from them. Jhin couldn't help but feel a bit proud that his mentor – or friend, at this point – was making a step to be more true to himself.
“Something that resonates with my heart…” He hummed, feeling more daunted at the theme the more he thought about it. Yes, he was the one to encourage Hwei to express his feelings, but this was too much for him; as hypocritical as it may seem.
He could at least try, though.
They both started shaping their pieces of clay, occasionally talking as to break the silence.
“You know… this is quite fun, actually.” Jhin blurted out as he sharpened the features of his work. “Normally I'd hate to get my hands dirty but I don't mind this too much.”
“You hate it, don't you?” The other guessed. It was not too far from the truth, but it was mostly a sensory thing. He would gladly handle the awful feeling of clay under his nails if it meant spending time with Hwei.
“... It's not that bad.” Of course, he wouldn't admit it.
“Oh really?” By the look Hwei gave him, he certainly didn't fall for it. His half smile was quite fitting for him though; So cute… It was certainly distracting. “Can I see what you're doing?”
“Yes, you ca–” Jhin's words faltered as he finally quit staring at Hwei's face to look back at his work, only to meet with a work in progress sculpture of Hwei.
“... Oh.” Hwei's playful curiosity gave space to flusteredness as he recognized the molded face Jhin was working on to be his own.
An awkward silence settles in the room as neither of them knew how to act in this situation. It shouldn't be that deep, but both of them intuitively knew that there was something more to that situation, even if they couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly.
Something that resonates with your heart…
Did Jhin consider Hwei this much? – No, it could be, Hwei though. – They only knew each other for a few months now. Surely, their bond had grown more than both of them could ever imagine – to the point where they both felt safe to share their deepest feelings and secrets – but surely there was nothing more between them… right?
… But what if…
Hwei scooter closer to him, their shoulders almost touching. It was a bold move, for sure, but he also couldn't give himself the benefit of the doubt. The worst he could get is a no, right?
“Wouldn't it be better to look at your subject more closely?” Hwei mumbled, trying to flirt. He admittedly wasn't the best at it but it didn't take much to get Jhin folding for him.
“Eh? Uh… Yes. I appreciate it.” He muttered coyly. His voice was a pitch higher and he suddenly couldn't concentrate on anything else anymore. He'd never admit it but his resolve was starting to falter.
“Don't look away from me.” Hwei whispered, noticing how the other couldn't gaze at his direction without getting too nervous about it. “You wouldn't want to miss any detail would you?”
“W-what…” Jhin gulped as delicate hands tilted his face. His heart really wouldn't be able to take it, not when Hwei's eyes shined in such a beautiful pink hue. “Why are you saying this?”
“I just think your eyes are pretty.” He mumbled, gazing at them a bit longer before his eyes eventually lowered to the man's lips. “Am I not allowed to appreciate pretty things?”
Jhin's mind was hazy, and his rapidly pulsating heart was starting to affect his decision making. He wanted Hwei – He needed Hwei; That was all he could think about. In the heat of the moment, he leaned in, damned be the consequences.
Their lips met in a soft, chaste kiss at first. But that was only the tiny spark needed to light up the flames of their wants. A few more kisses succeeded the first, slowly gaining more confidence until they reached the point of gasping for air just to keep going for longer.
But after the ecstasy, came the realization of what he had done. As Hwei's eyes stared into his – swirls of peach and gold engulfed by his dilated pupils – he realized that he was not suited for these feelings. Yet he couldn't stop the bubbly feeling in his chest no matter what.
He'd never been happier but reality crushed his heart like a slowly twisting knife. These contradictory feelings overwhelmed him, until he couldn't take it anymore and ran away from Hwei.
But he couldn't run away from his own feelings.
After slamming the door of his room close, Jhin crashed down to the floor, holding his legs close to his body, hoping to hide himself from everything that tormented him.
His lungs ached from holding back his need to cry, but he still did his best to not make a sound. He couldn't be found with these feelings.
That moment repeated in his mind a thousand times. Hwei's lips on his, The warm feel of his touch. It made everything else he had ever lived feel dull and lonely, and he hated to be reminded of how pathetic his life was.
He loved Hwei, but he hated that he made him feel like this.
Maybe it would feel better if he had never met Hwei at all. Or maybe if he could never see him again…
A knock on his for and a low, worried voice got Jhin in his alert state. It was Hwei, of course.
“Jhin, I…” Jhin took a gulp, holding himself back from opening the door and making yet another mistake. “I'm sorry for earlier. I shouldn't have… you know.”
“...”
“I know you probably won't say the truth when I ask this but… are you okay? Was I too much?”
He slowly stood up, leaning against the door. Then, he saw the eel mask lying above his desk, sibilating to him.
“Can we talk later at night? I need to think.”
Perhaps it was time to end things.