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Taesan’s eyes fluttered open. The sound of his alarm blaring through his ears. He groaned, grabbed his pillow and threw it over his face to muffle out the sound. He didn’t want to get up. He reached towards his phone to silence the alarm. Five more minutes. Just five more minutes... Or ten... Or forever.
But just as he felt himself drift off...
“Hyung!!!” Woonhak exclaimed, bursting through the door. “Wake up!”
Taesan turned his back towards Woonhak without a word. He just wanted him to leave. He just wanted to be left alone.
But Woonhak wasn’t going anywhere.
“We have band practice! I don’t want to be late,” Woonhak scoffed. “You’re driving the both of us, remember? If we’re late, Jaehyun hyung will beat our asses.”
“Five minutes,” Taesan mumbled into the pillow.
Then the lights flicked on, Taesan shut his eyes tighter to block out the harsh brightness.
“Hyung!”
“Fine, fine...” Taesan grumbled as he sat up. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were barely open.
Woonhak grinned, grabbing Taesan by the hands and pulling him off the bed. Then he dragged him out of the room to go get ready. Though reluctant, Taesan followed along.
Hey, at least Taesan actually got up this morning.
Jaehyun crossed his arms and raised a brow as Woonhak and Taesan walked into the practice room.
“Well?” Jaehyun began to speak. “Care to explain why you’re ten minutes late?”
“Sorry! I wanted to be on time, but someone didn’t want to get up this morning,” Woonhak explained, shooting a glare at Taesan.
Taesan muttered something under his breath, too low for the others to catch. He just walked past the two, grabbed his dark red guitar, and pulled the strap over his shoulder.
“Well, we’re here now,” he said quietly. “Let’s just practice.”
Jaehyun shook his head. “Taesan, you can’t keep showing up late. We’re a band. Your band. You need to get your shit together.”
Taesan didn’t even look his way. He was too focused on tuning his guitar, turning the pegs to get his desired sound.
It’s not like he didn’t want to show up to practice. He did. He loved the band. He loved attending practice. He loved performing with them. It’s just... getting up in the morning and starting the day was harder than it looked. Sometimes it just felt like he couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes he just wanted to lay there and pretend like he didn’t exist. Sometimes he didn’t want to exist.
Taesan was exhausted. He couldn’t tell if it was from the sleepless nights that were filled with spiralling or if it was just the heavy feeling of existing that was draining him. He often wondered why he even bothered staying in the first place. What was he even doing here? What was his purpose in life? What was the point in any of this? What if one day he just—
“Taesan.”
Jaehyun’s voiced broke him out of his spiral.
Taesan looked up from his guitar, his gaze meeting Jaehyun’s. His eyes were softer now, full of concern. He placed a gentle hand on Taesan’s shoulder.
“You alright?” He asked.
Taesan hesitated. He wasn’t sure what to say.
‘Oh yeah, sorry just overthinking my existence.’ No, that’s too worrying.
‘No, I want to die.’ Too straightforward.
‘Do you hate me?’ Absolutely not.
“Yeah,” Was what he said instead.
Jaehyun didn’t look convince. His gaze lingered on Taesan for a moment longer. Almost like he was reading Taesan’s every thought. After a moment, his hand fell off his shoulder and nodded.
He then turned to the rest of the group who were finished warming up. “Okay guys, we’ll go over ‘Dangerous.’ From the top.”
Taesan bit his bottom lip and took a deep breath. ‘Focus on the music, that’s all you need to do today,’ he told himself.
Then the band started to play. No one noticed how Taesan pressed his fingers a little harder than usual against the strings.
Practice soon ended. Chatter and laughter filled the room as everyone began to pack their things. They were talking about things like practice, their next performance, what their plans were tonight.
Taesan sat alone with his guitar, carefully placing it in its case. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to the others. He loved them with his whole heart. They were his band, his friends. But sometimes, it felt like he didn’t really belong with them. They meant the world to him, but did he mean the world to them?
Taesan watched from the corner as Riwoo and Leehan made plans to go eat after practice. They mentioned something about some new barbecue place they wanted to try. He saw Jaehyun offering a ride to Sungho after practice, and Woonhak insisted on coming with them since “Taesan’s too slow!!“and how he has plans with other friends after practice.
It stung a little, but he decided not to think much of it. That’s kinda how it was. Taesan never really felt like he could truly fit in anywhere. Even when people would say they love him. Even when they say care. It didn’t feel real.
He was there to make his contribution to the band and that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
He didn’t have a place that truly felt like home. He didn’t have a place that felt like he belonged. After living with that hollow feeling in his chest for so long. Taesan kinda learnt that he won’t ever find that place. Maybe he was never meant to find it. Not like he was worth much anyways.
“Taesan-hyung!” Woonhak called out to him.
Taesan looked behind him, a slight blank look in his eye. Though Woonhak didn’t seem to notice.
“I’m heading out with Sungho and Jaehyun,” he said. “You good to drive home by yourself?”
Taesan swallowed the heavy feeling down and looked back at his guitar case. He doesn’t want to look at them. “Yeah. Go ahead. I was thinking on staying back a bit anyways.”
He could practically feel Woonhak beaming from behind him. “Alright, sound good! I’ll see you at home!!”
Taesan cleared his throat. “Yeah. See you.”
Then he was alone.
Taesan got home later than usual. He stayed back to get his mind off of things. Clear his mind and maybe write more songs. Which he didn’t end up doing... He got too frustrated with himself.
He shut the door behind him and locking it. He slipped his shoes off and placed them on the shoe rack. Woonhak’s pair wasn’t there yet. Guess he wasn’t home yet.
He dropped his bag on the couch before making his way towards the kitchen. He opened up the fridge to see if there was anything inside to eat. There were a few leftovers from last night’s dinner and a baggy that held two slices of pizza. It was labeled “Woonhak :) (HYUNG DON’T TOUCH!)”
He let out a huff and grabbed the container of leftovers of chicken beside it. He opened it up and tossed it in the microwave to reheat.
The apartment was quiet. Too quiet. That left Taesan alone in the kitchen with his thoughts. All alone.
What was he even doing? Why was he even here?
That’s all that flooded his mind. Questions about what his reason was, why was he even bothered anymore. Sometimes he didn’t even feel like a person. Just a ghost wandering the world. Lost. Unsure of what was next for him. If he even belonged in this place. If he even deserved to be here.
The sound of the microwave beeping snapped him out of his thoughts. Taesan opened it, the smell of the reheated chicken hitting him hard. He wasn’t really hungry. If anything, the smell of the chicken made him feel nauseous. He took it out anyway and sat down at the dinner table.
He put on some random video essay off of YouTube on his phone to watch while he ate. He needed some sort of noise or else he’d feel himself spiral again. He couldn’t handle the silence. Not tonight.
The chicken felt gross. It wasn’t the taste. It was just... the feeling of eating. It felt like he wasn’t even the one eating it. Like he wasn’t himself. Like he was someone else entirely.
The front door opened and the sound of Woonhak’s voice filled in the silence. “Hyunggg!! I’m hooome!!” He called out cheerfully, practically bouncing into the apartment. “You started eating without me!?”
“I was hungry,” Taesan responded, taking another bite of his chicken.
Woonhak pouted, crossing his arms. “I texted you saying I was gonna be home soon.”
Taesan glanced at his phone, seeing that Woonhak did send him a message. “Guess I missed it.”
Woonhak groaned dramatically. “Of course you didn’t. You didn’t eat my lunch for tomorrow, did you?”
“Does this look like your lunch?” Taesan asked, nodding towards his plate.
“Good! Because I was gonna give Yujin some tomorrow,” Woonhak said as he made his way towards the fridge to go find some food for himself. “How’s music writing going, by the way? We really need to get an album out soon. It’s been a while. The fans are waiting!”
Taesan hesitated a bit before responding. “It’s... going. I got a few things down.”
“A few things? Hyung! You said you were gonna finish a new song last week!” Woonhak whined. “We can’t keep playing the same songs over and over again.”
“I’ve just been... off a bit,” Taesan mumbled, playing around with the food on his plate.
Woonhak placed his dish down and crossed his arms. “Well, you better get something down soon. I mean, I have a few songs down! If you need help, then I—“
“It’s fine,” Taesan cut him off, sharper than he intended. “I’ll get it down. Just give me a little longer.”
“You sure?” Woonhak asked, a little more gently. “We can always help if you— “
“I swear, it’s fine. I’ll get it done,” Taesan repeated himself before taking his half-finished plate and standing up.
Woonhak blinked in confusion when he saw Taesan leaving the dinner table. “Wait, where are you going? You didn’t even finish eating.”
“I’m done. I’ll be in my room if you need me,” Taesan says before walking off to his room.
Before Woonhak could even get another word in, Taesan shut his bedroom door behind him.
Taesan laid on his bed, hidden underneath his blankets. The journal of half written songs sat next to him. The room was dark and silent, but his mind was loud. Racing with millions of thoughts. He questioned everything. His worth, his purpose, his existence.
Did he even belong anymore?
If he couldn’t do what he couldn’t write, couldn’t show up on time, couldn’t play his guitar properly, then why was he even here?
He thought back to Sungho, Riwoo, Leehan, Jaehyun, Woonhak. They would be fine without him. Hell, maybe even better with him.
Sungho could take over as the lead guitarist. He was already really great, maybe even better than Taesan. Sungho had the skills, the drive the passion. All things Taesan didn’t.
Woonhak and Jaehyun wrote songs too. Their lyrics were filled with so much emotion and meaning. Taesan couldn’t even bring himself to finish one song. Every time he tried, it never felt right. It never felt like there was enough feeling in it. It was empty. It was never good enough.
Maybe they didn’t need him anymore. Maybe he no longer belonged in the band. Maybe he wasn’t meant to write music. Maybe he wasn’t meant for anything at all.
Practice was going fine. Everyone was doing as they were supposed to. Woonhak was absolutely killing it on the drums, his rhythm bringing the energy into the room with every beat. Leehan on the bass grounded the whole song, without him the song would just feel empty. Riwoo’s keyboard added a melodic vibe to the song with his warm chords. Sungho was leading the melody with his riffs and strums on his guitar, adding a little bit of spice to the music.
Everyone was perfect. Everyone blended together.
Except Taesan.
See, Taesan was an absolute prodigy at the guitar. His riffs lighting up the song. His vocals raw, so full of emotion. He truly was the picture-perfect lead guitarist.
But something was off.
He just didn’t have that spark to him. The fire, the passion, the energy, it just wasn’t there. One thing about Taesan was that he can really put life into his music, it always makes you feel something. But this practice was not it. It just wasn’t. There was something wrong. It felt so hollow, so fake.
Taesan could feel the other’s stares on him. They knew he was off. Were they frustrated? Were they disappointed? They should be.
Why was he like this? What was wrong with him? Why does he keep disappointing them over and over and over again. Why was he never good enough?
He missed a beat. A small one. Barely even noticeable if you weren’t paying attention. But it was enough to make his eye twitch. His grip on the strings tightening.
He wasn’t good anymore.
The people who admired him for his talent would be let down. The other members were already disappointed. That’s all he was good for.
Maybe he should give up.
“Okay,” Jaehyun spoke up. “Let’s take ten. Then I’d like to run through ‘But Sometimes.’”
The group nodded, placing their instruments down to go and recharge. Chatter began to fill up the tiny practice space.
Taesan sunk down onto the couch, pulling his knees to his chest. He stared down at his guitar pick, playing with it between his fingers. The world around him became a blur as the thoughts in his head tuned everyone out.
He thought back to his poor performance. Every little mistake played over and over again in his mind. His head buzzed like static as he spiralled deeper into his thoughts.
The failed riff, the missed beat, the wrong note. Why couldn’t he do it anymore?
“Taesan!” Riwoo exclaimed, snapping Taesan out of his thoughts.
Taesan blinked back into reality, looking over at Riwoo with a small hum.
“How’s the song going? I wanna see what you’ve got so far,” Riwoo asked with a toothy grin.
Taesan froze. He hadn’t written anything down. Not a line, not a note, nothing.
He couldn’t just say that though. He didn’t want everyone to know that. He didn’t want to disappoint them, but he couldn’t lie either. If they knew he didn’t write anything, they’d be upset, but if they figured out, he lied, they’d still be upset. No matter what, Taesan will always lose.
“Um… I— well…” He stammered, trying to gather his thoughts. “I haven’t started…”
The others paused when they heard that. A beat of silence filled the room.
Riwoo blinked. “You what?”
“Taesan we were supposed to have an album ready soon. You said you were going to get it done by the end of the month,” Sungho spoke up, his voice sharp. “It’s been months since we’ve planned this. What do you mean you haven’t even started?”
God, Taesan can just feel the disappointed stares from everyone. He knows he had promised to do these things but never did. He knows that. He just couldn’t do it. He can’t do it. But he has too.
“I know, I know I’m sorry. But I just… I’ve just been struggling with it. I’ll get it done soon, I promise,” Taesan said, his voice sounding small. He couldn’t bring himself to look at them.
He heard Woonhak scoff from the other side of the room. “You said that last time…”
“We’ve been waiting on you, Taesan,” Leehan chimed in, his voice low. “Don’t let us down, alright?”
Taesan closed his eyes and lowered his head. He felt like a failure. This was literally his job, and he can’t even do that. What was the point in being here if he couldn’t do it right.
“I’ll work on it tonight…” Taesan mumbled.
He had to. He will work on it tonight. Even if it meant tearing himself apart over it.
After practice, Taesan was left alone in the practice room.
He sat on Woonhak’s drummer chair, notebook in hand, absentmindedly flipping through its blank pages. He needed to write this one stupid song. It was one song. Why was it so hard?
He remembered back when he wanted to do this. He was so motivated to write songs for the band. He was so excited to show all of them the piece he created for them. Now he just sat here with no inspiration or motivation at all.
A pencil spun in one of his hands, his leg was bouncing up and down restlessly as he tried to concentrate. He needed to come up with something. Usually, he was so good at this. It was so natural. What happened to him? Where was the motivational spark? Where did anything go?
He tried to write something. Anything. Lyrics, chord progressions, just something that can keep him going. But each time he hated it. It never sounded right. He scribbled it off and tried again.
And again. And again. And again.
But still, nothing felt right. Why couldn’t he get it right? What happened to him?
Pages were being torn up and crumpled. Holes were in the pages from how much he was scribbling and erasing. The trash bin was filled with a mountain of papers. In the middle of it all was Taesan, head in his hands, absolutely frustrated. Why was nothing right. Nothing was going how it should’ve. He hated this.
Taesan was supposed to be the leader of the team. He was the one who was supposed to hold the whole group together. So, what was wrong with him? He was losing it.
Why couldn’t he do any of this? Why was everything falling apart? The feeling inside of him kept getting heavier and heavier. This wasn’t meant for him. He wasn’t meant for this path.
But if music wasn’t meant for him… then what was?
He dedicated his whole life to this. Hours of his life were spent on teaching himself instruments. Many nights were spent with him wide awake and writing lyrics.
Yet here he was, incapable of writing one damn song.
Taesan felt completely and utterly lost. He didn’t know who he was or what he was doing. If he can’t be the guitarist that the band needs, then who even is he? He didn’t want to disappoint the band. He didn’t want to disappoint himself.
Then the door opened.
“Hey, I forgot my-” Jaehyun’s voice cut off abruptly when he saw the mess in the studio. “What the- Taesan?”
Taesan looked up from his hands. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. His eyes spoke volumes to how he was feeling. The exhaustion, the frustration, the lost. Jaehyun felt all of it through Taesan’s stare. “What happened in here? Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Taesan admitted, absolutely defeated. “What am I even doing here?”
Jaehyun’s expression softened, kneeling next to the chair. “What do you mean?”
“I just… I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I can’t do anything right. All I’m doing is letting the band down. I can’t even write a song. It’s like I don’t belong here. I don’t even know who I am. I’ve just been so lost, and I just feel so... alone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve just been so demotivated and tired and... I don’t know- I'm just- I'm sorry...” Taesan wanted to hide away.
He never wanted to be open like this. Not this opened. It made him feel weak, stupid, annoying. Jaehyun would probably laugh at him. Say he’s being an idiot and that he really is a failure.
But then he felt Jaehyun’s warm hand in his.
“Oh Taesan,” he said gently, rubbing his thumb against the back of Taesan’s hand. “Why didn’t you say anything? You know we’re all here for you. You don’t have to carry this all by yourself. We’re always here to support you.”
Taesan shook his head. “I am the one who needs to carry it. I’m the one who writes all the songs, I’m the one who puts together music. That’s’s my job. I’ve always been the one doing it. I just don’t know why I can’t do it anymore...”
“Taesan, you need a break,” Jaehyun says. “You need to take a step back and let others help you. You shouldn’t have to carry it all by yourself. We’re here to help you carry the load too. We always have each other’s back.”
“But I can’t even— I can’t even write one song. One damn song! What’s the point of me even being in a band if— “
Jaehyun placed a finger to Taesan’s lips, silencing him. “Shhh… Taesan breathe, okay? Can you do that for me?”
Taesan didn’t even realize how heavily he was breathing or how his eyes were watering. He shakes his head. He feels so bad. So, so bad. He didn’t mean to let everything out. He didn’t mean to worry Jaehyun like this.
But Jaehyun didn’t mind.
Instead, he held Taesan’s hand tighter, wiped the stray tears away, and continued to reassure him that everything was alright.
“We don’t need you to do all those things for us. We all go through rough patches. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be confused, to question the path you're taking. But you need to remember that you do belong here, Taesan. You can lean on us whenever it gets too much. We’re family remember?”
Taesan looked up at Jaehyun, confusion and surprise. Family?
Family. Family meant love. Family meant to be cared for. Family meant belonging. Family was something Taesan never felt like he deserved.
Did he deserve to belong? Even after being such a disappointment to them. Even after letting them down? Was he still family?
“I let you all down,” Taesan whispered. “How can I still be something the band if I keep letting you guys down?”
“That doesn’t matter, Taesan,” Jaehyun whispered. “Just as long as you’re here then that’s enough. You belong here, with us. We’re always here to support you Taesan. Even when you’re struggling. Especially if you’re struggling.”
Taesan tried to look for any sort for deceit in Jaehyun’s eyes, but they were just filled with warmth and understanding. Taesan didn’t quite get it. But he wanted to.
“Here, how about I help you with writing the song,” Jaehyun smiled. “We’ll do it together.”
For the first time in a while, Taesan felt himself smile back. He was against the idea of getting help before. He always thought he needed to carry the load on his own. But now, he was more willing to let others in.
Maybe he was going to be okay.
The next day at practice, the group began piling in one by one. Taesan stood there quietly with his notebook in hand. It was filled with lyrics and notes that he and Jaehyun worked on together the night before. He flipped through a few of the pages, reading through the lyrics.
They titled it ‘Call Me.’ It was different than their usual sound. It was a little slower, softer, and much more vulnerable. Taesan had written his feelings out that night with Jaehyun. It was so full of feeling and depth. Written with the struggle of his breakdown then eventual warm comfort from Jaehyun. How he was finally reaching out for help. It was him telling a story. His story.
“So, Taesan,” Riwoo began. “Did you ever get to writing the song?”
Taesan looked over at Jaehyun and smiled. “I did, actually. Jaehyun helped with it.”
The others looked at each other in excitement, anticipating the new song.
“Can we hear it?” Riwoo asked.
“Uh, it’s still a work in progress but this is what we got,” Taesan warned before clearing his throat then singing out the lyrics to them.
‘Please call me, call me, call me
If you're lonely, lonely, lonely
Let's just cry like we're crazy
Take me to the place where you go
I'll take you to the place where I go
Let's go, let’s go,
hold my hand and let's go together’
The others looked so touched from it, like the lyrics moved them in a way.
Taesan explained his vision for it. How he wanted it to be more gentle, more laid back. He wanted it to be the song people can listen to when they need comfort. A song that almost feels like a hug.
“That was beautiful,” Sungho said with a smile. “It’s perfect for us.”
“You guys really outdid yourselves with this one,” Leehan added.
“You wrote those last night?” Riwoo asked in awe. “I love it.”
“Me too!” Woonhak chimed in, bouncing on his feet. “I want to play it!”
Taesan let out a small laugh at Woonhak’s eagerness. “Alright… I guess we can try it out.”
Woonhak’s eyes practically sparkled when he heard that, running over to his drums. The others seemed just as excited, already preparing their instruments to practice the new song. Sounds of tuning and warming up filled the practice room making it feel a little more brighter.
“I’m proud of you, you know,” Jaehyun suddenly spoke up from behind Taesan.
“It wasn’t just me, you helped too,” Taesan muttered, getting a little shy.
“But it was you who reached out for help,” Jaehyun said, taking Taesan’s hand in his. “That’s a hard thing to do. I’m glad you took it.”
“Well, I’m glad you were willing to help.”
“Of course I was. I’m always here to help,” Jaehyun reassured. “And I know the others are just as willing.”
Taesan couldn’t explain how thankful he was for all of them. After that night, the weight on his shoulders disappeared. Jaehyun and Taesan talked a lot that night. That was the most opened Taesan had ever been, and Jaehyun just listened with an open mind and heart. It made Taesan feel safe.
Writing ‘Call Me’ with Jaehyun was a different experience. Usually, Taesan would write songs himself all alone when he was inspired. Sitting there for hours on end writing and writing.
With Jaehyun, it wasn’t just a writing session. It was a moment, a memory. They laughed and chatted together, occasional lyric inspiration coming up as the conversations progressed. The two really just enjoyed themselves. It made writing music easier; it made the inspiration flow faster. It felt natural. It felt right.
Taesan felt like he found his spark again that night.
“Thank you for everything.”
“Don’t mention it. I’m just doing what a good member should do,” Jaehyun swatted his hand and shook his head. “Now come on. The others are waiting to play.”
Taesan joined the others and picked up his guitar. Jaehyun easily stepped into the role as their manager, The group played together in perfect harmony. They felt like one.
It felt so much easier than the day before. It felt real. Taesan felt whole again. The hollow feeling disappearing. With each note played on his guitar, Taesan felt his love for music returning. He felt the fire inside him ignite.
With every small mistake, there was laughs. With every success, there were cheers. The group brought each other up. They had fun together. This time, Taesan felt like he was in it too.
And when Boynextdoor finally went on that stage, Taesan could feel the passion flowing through his veins. The crowd, the cheers, the lights all on him. It was like a click in his head that this is what he was supposed to do.
They played the first note of their new song, and the crowd erupted with cheers. The fans loved ‘Call Me’ too.
He looked around him. Woonhak on the drums, Leehan on the bass, Riwoo on the keyboard, Sungho on the guitar, Jaehyun managing the performance, his eyes shining with love.
Taesan felt his chest warm up. They worked so well together. Taesan could feel the sense of belonging. Taesan can feel the love. It all felt real.
Maybe this is who he was and where he was meant to be. He was meant to write music. He was meant to be in a band. He was meant to be in this band. His family.