Chapter Text
Li Ming had always wondered what the future had in store for him.
He was both curious and afraid of it.
Dreaming about it since he was very young, when he was still working for his uncle with little money to go by.
Thinking about the future used to be his escape, a way for him to be far away from Pattaya and the boring life he was living.
The young boy thought that the future, as uncertain as it was, couldn’t be worse than his present.
And as he grew older and started to feel the pressure of life, he realized a brighter future wasn’t going to come to him spontaneously, he would have to work hard to build a better one.
And so he did, working day after day, never stopping - never wondering what he really wanted out of it.
He just wanted a better life.
But as the long-awaited new chapter of this life began, as he settled in the new life he worked so hard on - the now grown Li Ming had started to ask himself bigger questions.
What was that he felt like missing?
His mind couldn’t stop thinking about it, even during the inauguration of his diner, with his family and friends who had come to the big city to celebrate him.
It was a moment of pure happiness - and yet, he still felt a part of him was unhappy.
It was a very small diner, just a few tables - but bigger than anything Li Ming had ever dreamt.
The little restaurant had a good situation, it was not too far from the city center and right next to a large hospital. Every day, patients and doctors would come to his little shop to eat and to get a warm soup to brighten their mood.
Li Ming had risked it all, using all his savings. But it was also with his uncle’s generous help that he had been able to buy the little place. His uncle Jim and his partner Wen had decided to live a simple life in the countryside, selling their own restaurant in Pattaya and investing some of the money on Li Ming’s dream.
Li Ming was very grateful for their help and was going to do everything possible to repay them. He was going to work day and night, improving as a chef, to be able to accomplish that.
He was going to risk it all to make his future bright.
A month in, the restaurant was doing good, but it could have been better. It was difficult for Li Ming to do everything at the same time: cook, clean and serve the clients. He was so tired at night that his life outside of work was nonexistent, he was falling asleep the moment his body touched the bed.
But there were already little delights in his daily routine.
He was starting to get regular clients, some doctors and patients remembered his name or came often enough to be able to ask for their usual orders.
Iit was nice to talk to a few of them regularly, getting to know their stories.
He was alone in an unknown big city full of strangers.
And yet, he was starting to feel less of an outsider.
It felt strange to start to feel at home in a place so different from his - but thinking about it, that wasn’t really his home.
Now, it felt nice to say good evening to the nurse that would usually come and ask for a Som Tam. She would always stop near the counter, after paying, to show off pictures of her small dog and chat about her day.
Or that man who would come to get some soup to take away. He once told Li Ming his wife was really sick, she didn’t really like the hospital food and her husband did everything he could to make her happy.
Li Ming had never been a talkative person, but he was a good listener and it was nice to hear those people’s stories.
It made him feel like his presence there mattered somehow.
Like they needed him.
That was probably the reason why he started to wonder what the lonely boy’s story was.
He was around his age, with big round eyes and always sporting a sad expression.
Li Ming had never spoken to him, even if the boy came at least twice a week.
He didn’t know anything about him except for his recurring order that the boy would always point to Li Ming on the menu, never speaking to him.
He was there, unfailingly at the same table near the windows, watching the world outside while eating his hot soup, a little pen on his left ear and a bag from the music shop on the seat next to him.
He seemed somehow… lonely .
And even though Li Ming really didn’t have that much time to lose in the rush hours, he felt his gaze compulsively going back to that little corner.
One day, after watching the lonely boy leave without saying a word as usual, he went to his table to clean up. He was about to throw everything away, when he spotted a little black scribble on a napkin.
The napkin was crumpled, clearly meant to be thrown away with the trash.
But Li Ming stopped for a second, wondering what the lonely boy could have written there. He had never said anything, Li Ming knew nothing about him, and he was getting so curious to know more, even though he couldn’t understand why.
He looked around, as if he was doing something he shouldn’t, before slowly straightening the napkin.
I can feel happiness searching for me
but I am just a shadow
trying to be visible in the darkest of nights
It was a little poem, clearly written in a rush, with some erasures and overwritings.
And yet, Li Ming was looking at it dumbstruck.
He was surprised that the silent lonely boy could have such beautiful words to say.
Li Ming kept reading the poem over and over, until he heard another client call for him. He came back to his senses and impulsively put the napkin inside his apron’s pocket.
Later that night, back in his little apartment over the little shop, he took the napkin out. He kept reading it, mesmerized by the words, before deciding to attach it to a clipboard on his wall - taking off some of the cooking recipes he had pinned before.
From that day onwards Li Ming paid particular attention to what the lonely boy was doing, trying to see if he would write again. He tried to talk to him while taking his order but the boy always seemed uninterested in speaking to him.
He had almost lost hope when he found another napkin under the table. Another short poem was written on it, another short poem that went straight on his clipboard.
My future is like the wind
I can sense it on my skin
breathe it in my lungs
and yet out of reach
flying away from me
The clipboard started to become full with them, Li Ming went as far as checking also inside the bins to see if he could find any.
It was the only way he had to somehow communicate with the boy.
It started to feel as if the boy was telling him his story, like all his other regular clients did. But in some ways this felt more intimate, stronger - even if one-sided.
The poems resonated with him, the suffering and alienation he could read in them were something he could relate to. The feeling of being different, uncomfortable in his own skin and… alone.
Li Ming felt close to the boy.
He was fascinating, a pulling magnet, an enigma to be solved, a poetry to be sung.
He was curious to understand why the boy didn’t say anything when he was actually so good with words.
One day a crazy idea came to his mind, a way to answer the boy without scaring him away. He took a napkin and wrote “I love your poetry” on it. It was a bold move because it was going to give away the fact that Li Ming was reading his poems, taking them without his permission.
And what if the boy got angry? What if he never came back again?
But Li Ming never got to give it to him, because the boy didn’t show up that week.
He hadn’t realized how much he was expecting to see him - how much the wait for the next poem had started to be an exciting part of his weekly routine.
When he saw him again a week later, the boy seemed sadder than usual. He kept looking at something he had bought at the music shop, probably a vinyl from the look of it. He wondered about the kind of music he listened to.
Was he living nearby or was he there to see someone at the hospital?
Li Ming focused back on his job, trying to keep the work flowing and to not look at the boy. It was a busy day, people coming and going without a break - it was starting to feel like he needed an extra hand.
When he finished cleaning the last table, he turned around to see the lonely boy had gone away. Nothing was left on the table, much to Li Ming's disappointment.
But then, sweeping the floor, he found a little balled paper near the bins. His heart was beating so fast as he picked it up, opening it with shaky hands.
I wish I could use my lips
for more than kisses and sins
cause to whisper your name
it’s my deepest brame
but fate is a hard discover
oh to hear you, my future lover
The silence in the diner was stretching and the only thing Li Ming could hear.
He kept reading the words over and over trying to find a new meaning in them but coming up with no other options.
Was the lonely boy deaf?
Was this the reason why Li Ming had never been able to talk to him?
Did this boy talk to anyone at all?
——————————
He went to bed that night keeping the little paper near his bed.
He tried to sleep but ended up going back to it, picking it up and reading it until late in the night - until he found himself watching videos online about sign languages at 4 a.m.
Li Ming didn’t know why he was watching them, maybe to understand how deaf people could communicate with the world. Maybe the lonely boy had friends he talked to with signs.
Maybe it was because the lonely boy was the only regular he had never talked to and yet he knew so much about him through his poems.
Li Ming just wanted to let him know he could talk to him… somehow .
So every night, after coming home late and tired, he practiced, trying to understand how sign languages worked.
And maybe it was all useless, maybe the boy wasn’t really deaf - maybe he just didn’t want to talk to him. But what if that wasn't the case?
After two weeks of practice, Li Ming felt confident enough to try and see if he could do it.
His heart was beating so fast, hands sweating, when he saw the boy enter his diner and sit at his usual table.
Li Ming took a long breath, trying to calm his nerves while he mentally repeated the signs.
He walked slowly to the table, mustering a small smile as the boy looked up at him - ready to point at the menu as always.
“ Would you like to order your usual? ” Li Ming signed, hoping it was as clear as possible with his hands shaking a bit too much.
He saw those big round eyes open wide, a shining spark in them. The boy’s lips parted, the surprise evident on his face as he stood there without moving for so long, just looking at Li Ming, that he thought for a second he must have messed it up.
“ I am sorry, I am not so good with signs. I meant to say if you would like to order what you usually do ? ” He tried repeating, slower, as the boy finally shook himself out of the astonishment.
“ Yes, please . ” The boy signed, a little smile appearing on his lips.
It was the first time Li Ming saw him smiling.
It was a very pretty smile.
Li Ming was so happy to finally be able to talk to him.
And the thought of him smiling made Li Ming prepare his meal with extra care. He felt his own lips going up involuntary for the entire time it took to prepare the soup.
He brought him his plate, trying to remember all that he had learned and signed “ Hope you will like it .”
The boy smiled again, his joy clear also in his big shining eyes as he waied at Li Ming.
“Thank you , ” the lonely boy added, “ I’m sure I will, it’s always so good. ”
It wasn’t the first time Li Ming received praises for his cooking skills, but somehow it felt different to hear it from him.
He had such a lovely gaze, it pierced inside Li Ming with his intense gentleness.
Li Ming felt content to finally be able to interact with all of his regulars. He wanted his little diner to be a safe space for everyone who needed it, he wanted to provide a warm meal and someone who would be there to listen.
Maybe it was because all his life no one had ever listened to him. No one had ever asked him about his day or let him talk about his problems. He had also never been someone people would ask advice too, someone who was needed.
Or it could possibly be because he felt a little connection to that boy, to the way he must be isolated from the world - did anyone ever listened to him too?
As the days passed by, the lonely boy started to sign a little bit more every time. Li Ming still wasn’t very good with it, finding it difficult sometimes to understand him.
But then Li Ming would give him the block notes he used to take the orders with, and the lonely boy would smile before writing in that nice handwriting Li Ming knew so well.
“Are you studying sign language?” he had written on the paper. Li Ming nodded before taking the pen from the boy’s hand, their fingers lightly touching.
“I am trying, but it’s quite difficult.”
“Why are you doing it? ” the boy signed, looking at him while, after a moment of hesitation, Li Ming settled on sitting in front of him.
“I want to be able to talk to all of my clients. ” He signed, a bit shy - afraid of giving too much away.
I want to talk to you.
He didn’t have the courage to say it, but it was true. And somehow he thought the lonely boy had figured it out because he was looking at him with a soft gaze.
He had such warm brown eyes, Li Ming for a second thought that the boy actually didn’t need much else to communicate, his eyes could speak for him.
“That’s very nice. ” He signed, smiling, “ If you need help I could teach you .”
Li Ming’s heart skipped a beat.
It was an unknown feeling, his body acting on his own will, his mind buzzing.
He shook himself, before taking the pen and writing “Isn’t it too much trouble for you?”
The boy rapidly shook his head, he seemed eager to teach Li Ming.
“I have plenty of time. I must stay here waiting for hours and getting bored.”
Li Ming looked at him quizzically, wondering why he had to do all of that.
The boy seemed to hesitate for a minute, before writing again.
“I regularly have an appointment in the morning and one in the early afternoon, so I always kill time around here.”
Li Ming wanted to ask more about those doctor’s appointments.
Was he okay? Was he sick?
But he knew it wasn’t his place to ask.
Instead he just nodded, thanking him for his offer before accepting it.
So, after he cleaned everything and turned the sign on the door to “closed”, he sat at the table. People were moving around the city, he could feel them walking outside the window near them, but Li Ming was only focused on the lovely boy in front of him.
He realized at that moment he still didn’t know the boy’s name.
He was in the middle of asking it, when he saw the boy sign “ I don’t know your name .”
He let out a breathy laugh, while taking the block notes to write his name. The boy looked at Li Ming’s name written on the paper, smiling softly before doing a gesture on his heart.
What did that mean? Li Ming was trying hard to remember if it meant something he studied.
But then the boy was taking the blocknote, drawing a little heart on it before writing next to it “Heart”.
Li Ming looked up, “Is that your name? ”
Heart .
It was such a sweet name. It really fitted the lovely young boy in front of him, with his warm eyes and soft smile.
Li Ming said it out loud, just to try out how it sounded.
The boy, Heart , was looking at his lips - a look of wonder in his eyes. He had seen Li Ming saying it and was now looking at him in a way that made Li Ming’s ears turn a dark red.
Why was it so overwhelming to say a boy’s name out loud when he couldn’t even hear it?
Why was Li Ming being shy?
But as the world outside was running wild, between car horns, chaos and people screaming - Li Ming found himself inside a soft calm bubble, only him and Heart in the warm silence, as they talked about everything and nothing in the empty diner.
In its difficulty, it was so easy to talk to him. Heart was smart and funny, always talking about some interesting facts he read about.
He knew so many things about any topic, Li Ming could be there for hours and Heart would still have something new to say about the strangest of things.
And as the autumn leaves kept falling, Heart entered his life slowly and in warm colors.
It was nice to discover more of the pretty boy who was so good with words. It felt like he was finally uncovering a well kept treasure, hidden for so long in a dark cave - the golden light finally coming out.
Heart was studying literature at the university, a little bit slower than the rest of his colleagues, but he was already glad to be there studying.
It was surprising to know that he was also from Pattaya. Li Ming wondered how it was possible that they had never met, but from what he understood, it seemed like Heart had had a difficult youth.
He had to argue a lot with his parents to be able to come to Bangkok and study.
After a week, Li Ming also discovered the reason why Heart was going to his hospital appointments. He was doing rehabilitation for his voice, while also practicing with a hearing aid.
“Wait, so it means you will be able to hear and talk again? ”Li Ming signed, the enthusiasm making his hands move fast and making Heart giggle for his blissful excitement.
“Yes, if everything goes right.”
But he didn’t seem that convinced or excited about it, making Li Ming frown.
“It’s just that… I am worried.” Heart added hesitantly, “ I am worried that even if I succeed in it, I still won’t be able to fit in this world somehow. That even if I succeed, I will realize it is not what I needed or wanted . That I still won’t be … normal. ”
Li Ming understood him in some ways, he had feared the same when he decided to move to the big city and open the restaurant. But this was so much bigger, so deeper in the core of Heart’s persona.
“You already are. You are normal to me. ”
He signed and said out loud, but then he thought about it, “No actually, you’re not normal, because you’re brilliant.Much more interesting than any other normal person.”
Heart was surprised and a little bit shy. Looking away to not let Li Ming see him blushing. But it was true, Heart was really brilliant.
Li Ming thought so every time he read one of his poems.
And he did it a lot, every night .
It was nice to talk to Heart all day and then to fall asleep reading his words.
It was incredible how fast his life had taken what he thought of as a Heart shape.
He never had anything like this, his high school friends were far different from him and he never had felt such a connection with them.
But his job was becoming more stressful, the festive period with tourists arriving in the capital city was approaching and Li Ming worried he possibly couldn’t do it all alone. Waking up so early to get the ingredients at the market, and then going back to the diner to cook, clean and serve until late.
Heart questioned him the moment he stepped inside the restaurant, pointing to the “Hiring” sign outside the window.
“Are you hiring? ”
“Yes, I need someone to help me clean this place. It’s getting too much for me. ”
Heart was looking at him thoughtfully, so Li Ming added “Why? Would you be interested? ”
Heart seemed uncertain, looking around the place.
“I mean, you’d probably need someone more… suitable for the role.”
“You are actually overqualified for the job. If you want it, the job is yours. It would actually be amazing to hire someone I already trust.”
“You trust me?” He seemed surprised and touched by Li Ming’s words. His lips parted, a finger pointing at himself as if Li Ming wasn’t really talking about Heart.
“Of course. ” He signed, smiling, “Can you clean?”
Heart shook his head, “Not really.”
But he was smiling, clearly excited about the possible job, “But if you can do it, it must not be that hard. ”
“Hey!” Li Ming said out loud, faking to be offended as Heart kept quietly laughing.
He looked so pretty while laughing.
Heart seemed to be starting to open up with him, making jokes and acting as a boy of his age.
Li Ming couldn’t understand why his own heart was so thrilled at the idea of Heart working with him.
But he couldn’t contain his smile as he explained the little things Heart needed to clean or what needed to be done and how.
Heart wasn’t really experienced with cleaning, Li Ming figured out how bad the situation was when he had to take the broom from Heart’s hands and show him how to sweep the floor.
Heart was confused, taking the broomstick back - their hands touching, staying one over the other for more than necessary.
Heart was looking at him in the eyes, the feather touch of his fingers on Li Ming’s was sending shivers down his spines.
He wondered how it would feel to take Heart’s hand in his. Those beautiful long fingers he saw moving everyday, those fingers that would write the most beautiful poems.
Li Ming almost dropped the broom, before going back to the kitchen with fast steps.
He was starting to put the pieces together to why his heart would be beating so fast at Heart’s sight. Why his hands would start sweating or his breath stopped every time he saw Heart’s smile.
It was something new for him, because Li Ming had never liked anyone.
He had never experienced what all his high school friends were always talking about during classes, about crushes and girls and kisses.
Sometimes he wished he could just have a crush on someone to feel normal, to be like everybody else, to not feel left out about something everyone was experiencing.
But the cute girl asking for his number had never interested him: she was petite, with very long hair and big eyes. All his friends had a crush on her, but not Li Ming.
Li Ming couldn’t feel anything for her or anyone for that matter.
He felt strange as all the boys talked about how satisfying kissing someone was. How they wanted to kiss other people, to be intimate with them.
He felt strange as a random girl kissed him at a party, he felt alienated by the gesture - as pretty as she was, he didn’t feel anything.
He had also tried looking at boys, and even if he found more beauty in them - still Li Ming couldn’t really develop any feelings.
A cute boy had once approached him, flirting a bit. Li Ming had tried hard to see if he could like him, but the idea of kissing that stranger never appealed to him. And the more the stranger tried to flirt with him, the more Li Ming wanted to close himself as a hedgehog.
He was getting used to the fact that he wasn’t meant to love.
His heart seemed to be just built that way.
But Heart changed everything.
Oh, how a name had never been more fitting.
He didn’t know how it was possible. Why this organ he never really used had suddenly started to function.
Maybe Heart just spoke to his own heart in ways no one ever did before.
Heart had touched some chords of his soul he didn’t know existed, making them vibrate and resonate so loudly, letting him hear notes he never heard before.
For a deaf boy, he was a musical magician.
He could understand now: the wanting to be close with someone else, the idea of holding hands or kissing.
He wanted that with Heart, because he liked Heart.
He liked his personality, the way he was so sweet and good, always looking at things in a positive way. He liked his mind, the way he thought and created beautiful words - his curiosity for everything that was around him.
Heart was incredible, a force of nature.
And as his mind arrived at the conclusion these feelings he felt for Heart were deeper than ever before, it was getting much harder to not blush every time Heart came closer to him. As he passed near him behind the counter, their arms brushing slightly.
Or as he cleaned the dishes, soap getting everywhere and also on Heart’s face.
“You have it on your nose! ” Li Ming was laughing, the vision of a confused Heart with white soap on his face was the cutest thing he had seen that week. He came closer, using his hand to take the soap away - skin touching.
Heart was looking at him, amazed, before he blew on the soap, still on Li Ming’s hand, now getting it on Li Ming’s face.
He laughed, seeing Li Ming rolling his eyes, a small sound escaped his lips.
Li Ming stopped, looking at him in wonder.
It was just the start of a laugh - but it was so musically beautiful. Li Ming kept looking at him in astonishment as Heart started a long excursus on how soaps were made, signing and getting soap everywhere in the kitchen.
It felt so nice to be able to work in such a warm and relaxed setting. To have someone to bicker with, to gossip about the clients coming inside or share the little problems of the diner.
Heart seemed happy: it was his first job, and he wanted to feel useful. Even if the wage wasn’t high, Li Ming could see how much he liked being there. Working a part time job as all his university colleagues already did.
He enjoyed having a purpose, something he was needed for. And Li Ming was hoping he enjoyed his company too.
Some nights, especially after working some easier shifts, they would stay after closing.
Li Ming would take one of the cheapest bottles he had on the shelves, pouring the alcoholic liquor for the both of them.
Heart would usually get such pretty pink cheeks, his smile getting softer and his hand would sometimes rest longer on Li Ming’s one resting on the table.
Li Ming’s heart would be starting a race, running so fast it could probably win a championship.
“One shot or one truth.”
Heart was obsessed with playing games, always whining when Li Ming would at first say no - but ending up saying yes because he couldn’t say no to Heart.
“Why do you always want to play this game?”
“I don’t know… maybe because I didn’t have many friends when I was a teen, I sometimes feel like I missed out on stuff. Ok, now it’s my turn." He got excited thinking about the question to ask, an intense fire of curiosity in his eyes. “Is there something you feel like you missed out on when you were a teen?”
Crushes. A first love?
Any normal romantic experience people would have.
But how could he say that out loud?
He looked at the filled glass, taking the shot - the hot liquor going down and burning his throat a bit.
“Oh damn, now I am curious though .”
“ It’s my turn - what do you want your future to be like? Any dreams? ”
The weight of Heart’s stare was making him blush. The way he was looking at him, like he wanted to say something or wanted something from him, was making Li Ming feel the hair on the back of his neck.
“ I have a dream. Recently more than one actually… I am just scared to say both of them out loud. ”
He took the shot, never looking away from Li Ming’s eyes.
What the hell? Li Ming’s brain was shutting down, he was unsure if it was because of the alcohol or Heart.
“ It’s late. ”
He stood up, trying to not let Heart see how much he was affected just by his piercing stare.
Heart got up too, going to put the bottle on the shelf as Li Ming cleaned the mess they had made. But just as Heart was putting it back, the bottle fell, pieces of glass going everywhere.
Li Ming stopped cleaning the table to run to Heart. He saw him kneeling down, trying to take the pieces and clean the mess he caused. He screamed “Heart, don’t!” but of course it was useless. He saw the blood coming from Heart’s hand, his face contracted in pain.
Li Ming took the last steps, taking Heart’s hand in his to see the damage.
It was, luckily, just a little cut.
They were sitting near the sink, Li Ming cleaning the wound, doing it carefully so as not to hurt him. He was still a little shaken by the scene he had just witnessed.
“ You have to be more careful. ”
What if it had happened when he wasn’t around? What if Heart had gotten seriously hurt?
Li Ming couldn’t help but worry, his mind creating different scenarios where Heart couldn’t use his hand anymore - where he would be too resentful and leave Li Ming to his own destiny.
“ I’m sorry .” Heart signed with much difficulty.
“I will pay it back . ”
Li Ming looked at him, understanding just at that moment that Heart hadn’t realized why Li Ming was actually worried.
Heart hadn’t realized how much Li Ming cared.
“ I don’t care about that. I don’t want you to get hurt. ” He was trying to stay calm, to not let his agitation get to him, but the alcohol in his system wasn’t helping.
Heart was looking at him with questioning eyes.
“ What would happen if you really got your hand hurt? How would you sign? How would you write your poems? ”
He had signed it without thinking, too much in his head to realize what he was saying until he saw the shock in Heart’s eyes.
“ How do you know about my poems? ”
Li Ming froze, his brain catching up with the fact they had never spoken about it.
It was a secret Li Ming was still keeping.
He had spent so many hours reading those poems, his mind was too used to their existence in his life to remember not to mention them to Heart.
He was at a loss for words, looking everywhere but him. Trying to find a way to tell Heart the truth without seeming like a crazy person.
“ I might have read a few of the ones you left on your table… ”
Heart stood up, Li Ming could see his mind trying to process the new information.
His eyes looked into Li Ming’s, searching for a lie that was not there.
“ I am sorry. At first it was just curiosity, but…”
“ Was this how you found out I was deaf? Was it the reason you started learning sign language?”
Li Ming nodded, hesitantly.
He was maybe exposing himself too much, but he owed it to Heart. Especially after he had read Heart's deepest thoughts without his consent.
He wanted to reach out, to take Heart’s hand, but he was too scared.
He might have waited too long, because after a moment, he saw Heart walking towards the kitchen door.
He didn’t even look back at Li Ming.
He just opened the door and left.