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You are Erlin Kindleaf. You have a sister (although she doesn’t seem to want to hang out with you these days) and a grandmother. You are on your way to being the best Green Teen around, with your pals Derlin and Cran. And Beverly. But Bev doesn't exactly count as a pal. He’s .. more. He’s Bev.
You look in the mirror. Your pale skin is still oily and riddled with acne and your hair refuses to tamp down in place. No matter how hard Nana or Beverly try, it always frizzes back into a chaotic puff. Your shirt is ironed, your patches sewed in place, your shoes smart and shiny. The cooking patch however, dangles slightly from its place. Seems like its edges have since loosened after Bev (very excitedly and half covered in sauce) sewed it on for you. You frown and resolve to sew it on later at the Jamboreen. Maybe Bev can do it for you again. You can hear Cran and Derlin’s voices get louder, searching for you. Scoutmaster Denny’s voice cuts through them all, not on account of being the most authoritative but the most whiny.
You smooth down your shirt one last time and you step out of your room. You can’t wait to make tents with Derlin, starchy green fabric stretching between your fingers while Cran rams the poles in places. You are already challenging the two of them to a “Most Berriful Berry Picking Contest”, the loser of whom will obviously clean the fire. (You know you and Beverly will be a team and you know Beverly will most probably stray farther, dragging you to see a new flower or Pelor forbid, bullywugs. You know this and you are resigned to lose. It doesn’t matter; the fire is always quiet and Bev is always next to him.)
Derlin slings an arm around your neck and you can feel Cran’s fingers ghosting your spine, ready to poke you in the ribs. The sun is shining and not even the small argument Scoutmaster Denny is having with some elf lady can bring this mood down. You are Erlin Kindleaf. You are on the top of the world.
And then you get kidnapped.
You get better at fighting after that. Being kidnapped does that to you; you can remember the rough drag of the sack over you and the mud soaking into your clothes. You can remember Derlin crying and Cran holding onto your ankle, positioning herself so she’ll be the first one spotted if the sack is opened. You remember all of this, even if you tell Egwene you don’t remember much because you had a concussion. You don’t actually remember healing Scoutmaster Hardwon. You just feel a surge inside you, as you see the scene around you and you don’t want to see anyone hurt. So you run to Hardwon and remember him grumbling over cuddling you at night but still tucking you to himself so you won’t be cold. You breathe, you push your hands.
Touch Hands!
And Hardwon breathes back.
When the Chosen come for your home, you already know. It took convincing by Egwene and then convincing Nana itself to move to Mama Toegold’s house. You have your sister and your grandmother but you have to make sure Bev’s mom is safe too. His father is still in the castle, Bev got him out and saved him. (It doesn't matter if he lost the trial technically; the fact that he stood up to the podium speaks more than anyone could say. His brave Bev.) So you feel that itch, that debt that lays brewing since he saved you in Moonstone and you stand up to the Chosen at come. You plant your feet like Scoutmaster Moonshine taught you and you hold your sword. It is heavy and slips from your hand, damn your sweaty palms. You swing and fight. The sound outside gets louder and you panic that Egwene can’t hold them off but then the room opens and you can see Moonshine and PawPaw and. Bev. His hair is sweaty and he is holding a medallion (amulet?) in his hand. He is so, so brave and so, so beautiful.
You feel safe and then you feel a twinge of disappointment. You thought you could handle this but you guess not. Bev is obviously stronger. You can’t help it if he is better than you.
Still, still he looks at you like you are special and stronger than him. You don’t know how to tell him that you barely fought, you were scared the whole time and you can’t lose Egwene, you already lost your parents and even if you barely remember them you can still trace that empty hole in your heart.
You smile at him and heal him. You can do at least that. And maybe, maybe you kiss him quickly. Seems right at this moment.
The airships arrive and you are surrounded. You can feel your life on the line and the swords at your throat. You don’t know where Bev is or Moonshine, you are vaguely aware Hardwon is here in the city but you cannot focus right now. And then there are Chosen at every avenue, going after you and Mama Toegold. Bev can reach his mom faster, he has to. But then he looks at you. And Bev hesitates.
You realize later when you are huddled in the temple with all the Gray and White Knights, a blanket thrown over your shoulders, that there was a chance that Bev could have gone for you instead. That he would have turned from his mother to save you instead. Erlin Kindleaf always in need of being saved, Beverly Toegold always saving him. The city might be razed to the ground by Thiala today but you would still need saving from Bev, from Egwene, from your scoutmasters. You feel like throwing up; but then Bev is standing in the middle of the room, shouting a plan he came up with. Smart Beverly, Brave Beverly.
You cannot look at him directly at this moment, you might start crying. In shame, in love. I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you, I’m sorry I always fail, I’m sorry I trail behind and you have to look back to grab my hand. Please keep walking Beverly, please don’t look back at me. (Please don’t leave me, please find me in the dark.)
You get dragged by Beverly to the podium and he is talking fast like he does when he is exhausted but has an idea, like when you smushed honeybuns into flat pancakes and ate 5 at one time. You hold him and listen to him talk about the Feywild and how you can save them all. It is risky and it is foolhardy but what are you if not someone by Beverly’s side? If today has proven anything, it's that this is something you can do.
Bev is talking louder now and you tell others to pray to Pelor as well. You can feel the surge inside the room, a pulse that is slowly beating together as Bev makes his plea to the gods and does the ritual. You think of this power flowing through you and you remember the same when you brought back Hardwon from unconsciousness. You look back up at Bev, who is concentrating as flowers grow in his hair and his scars tighten as he scrunches up his face. You decide then that you cannot be at his side as a fighter but you can heal him. Your hands have unconsciously gone to his to touch hands anytime he falters. So you look up at the magic webbing the area and you make a promise.
"Pelor, if you- if you help these guys, I'll- I'm gonna become a cleric! I'm gonna be a cleric, 'cause I'm- I'm not strong, but I- I think I'm just strong in a different way. And...I just...I want to help people, so...I...I hope this works. Please- please help people."
Bev looks at you with such adoration in his eyes, such trust that you feel shy suddenly. And then he leans in and well, what else is there to do? So you kiss him.
When you open your eyes again, you can hear cheers from the people left over and the knights are all gone. You can barely bring yourself to smile when Bev is hugging you and congratulating you. As you head out and Bev breaks off to talk to Hardwon and Moonshine, the priests praise you for your devotion. You do not tell them you were looking at Bev the whole time.
You spend all your time in the airship, writing in your journal about your adventures. It is supposed to help you track your journey, your cleric abilities. (Egwene snarks that it is clearly a book meant for Beverly but you just scoff at her. You don’t have it in you to be mean these days; you are too focused and grown up now and so is Egwene.) Redd laughs at your “young love” and Gunther just coos (grunts?) lovingly. You swat all of them away over dinner, made by Redd and Egwene. Gunther starts an argument with Redd about boundaries for teens and Egwene starts smoking with her legs on the table, although her legs barely reach it so she is awkwardly hanging off on pure teenage angst and spite. You put your head in your hands and you laugh. You miss home and Nana and Bev but this isn't so bad.
You reach Hillholm and you are springing in place, barely waiting for the ladder to drop so you can leap off regardless of what Redd is yelling about “fuckin safety kid!” You can’t be late because Beverly is here , he is here and you can meet him again. You can tell him about your adventures and how powerful you’ve gotten. You can show him how you heal and you can swap stories of their adventures. Maybe you can persuade him to make another fire under the stars, for his birthday he missed. Maybe you can kiss him again.
Bev smiles at you with a strange look in his eyes and asks you to cast Zone of Truth.
You hear him tell you about the boy in the Feywild (Terrance? Trent?) from a faraway voice and you register it but you cannot bring yourself to respond. You are sinking inside and you are back at Galaderon, the one that has to be mollified, the one that has to be regarded while the rest walk their way. The one who loses. You think back to the berry picking contest at Green Teen Camp. You look at Beverly again and you realize you are already resigned to lose when it comes to him.
You think vaguely that you should be angry at him and you can see him tense up, waiting, eyes barely holding back tears. You were never good at being angry.
"I'm not mad at you, dude. It's the end of the world."
And it is, in a way. You don’t know if Thiala will completely be defeated or at all. The Band of Boobs are strong and tough and brave but who knows? Anyone can die anytime and you can barely fight. You are always helping and supporting people but there isn't a point to that if there is no one left to heal. You leave Bev there and you climb up the ladder. You don’t stop when Gunther reaches out a paw to comfort you and you throw yourself into your bed. You cannot bring yourself to cry but that is okay. You cried years later after your parents died; maybe grief and hurt takes time for you. You steel yourself and put on a brave face when the ship takes off again, when you are sure Beverly is not anywhere you can run to. You have to be brave like….Well. You have to be brave. When you go to the mirror to wash your hands you look at yourself in the mirror. You can see the green paint from Bev’s hand from where he kissed you on the cheek.
You lay there on the ground crying, folded over yourself until Egwene finds you 20 minutes later.
The fights get harder, the monsters bigger. You keep it up, healing people at every turn, the hurt people at Irondeep. You visit the Dwarphanage like Hardwon told you too and despite it all, you end up telling them stories of Beverly. They listen rapt and later, a dwarven girl asks you why you talk like a hardened soldier when you are younger than her. You don’t know how to answer her.
You make it through though. Redd and Egwene cook, Gunther steers and then fights with Redd over steering and Egwene laughs over them all, flicking ash from her hand rolled cigarettes. You smile a bit. You have lost but you have gained. You scoop soup into your mouth and look up at the stars.
It all goes to shit like always when you fight the Juiblex.
You see Beverly along that, admittedly hot looking tiefling and you realize you can get angry after all. It is satisfying to see Beverly flustered, that he is not all that brave or perfect that you made him out to be. It is horrible and people are dying but at least you can snark at Bev. It is familiar in a sense, the back and forth and you are almost glad Bev is next to you. You are always glad to lose with him next to you.
You heal and he fights and somewhere in the mix he smiles at you uneasily and it's like the sun has come out. You almost slip as you look at him closely and you smile back. It is easy to smile at Bev which is so irritating because why? Why is it so easy to love him, to forgive him? He reaches for you and then suddenly you hear screams.
Redd is gone. His red fur (mostly gray) is marred with blood and acid and he is deathly silent but you reach out to him and pull. You cannot lose him, you refuse to. You put your hands on his chest and grab that lifeline and yank him back to life. He coughs weakly and you sit back on your hands, in exhaustion and in relief. You look up at Bev and he is looking at you like you are magical, like you just saved Redd from the cold hands of Death. (Which, in a way you did, but it's not a big deal dude, Revivify is a pretty common spell amongst high level clerics dude!)
It doesn’t work. Well, it does in the sense that Redd lives. You can’t save Gunther.
Despite the battle being won, despite everything you’ve done, despite Bev making you not choose and helping you so you never have to make that same horrible decision like he had to back in Galaderon. You still lose. Bev is knocked out and even before you can react, you can feel slick blood pouring from your chest, blade protruding from beneath your heart. It all goes dark from there.
You see Pelor, radiant and beautiful, the god you pledged yourself to so you could heal people. You don’t want to look at him, you want to leave and find Beverly but you can’t, you can’t move. So you stay and you watch. Thiala’s forces rip through Pelor and he is a god and he is the divine itself but Thiala is almost a god too but she is much more of a monster. You cannot run nor hide nor help. So you watch as Pelor’s plane rages with destruction. But he can’t lose right?
You come back to life then, Beverly over you, crying and holding you. Beautiful, kind, brave Bev, always saving him, always by his side. You feel then the connection you have to Pelor lessen and then snap. You realize you have lost again. Pelor is dead and Thiala has won. You think about how stupid you are and how this is your fault and you look at Bev saying those things to himself. His face, slack with grief, snaps you to clarity and you tell him this is Thiala’s fault, not anyone else’s. (You are not fully sure you believe that yourself but you can tell that to Bev at least.)
When you and Bev go out to the shore from the cave, you meet the roiling ocean holding his hand. There isn’t much else to do and even if the world was quiet and normal again you would still hold his hand. So it seems nothing much has changed. The waves outside crash against each other and the earthquakes leave you barely standing. You call for Beverly and you hold on but damn your sweaty palms and the tidal waves, you are wrenched apart. You tread water and desperately try to find your way back to him, back to Bev always but you never went to that swimming party with the others.
You can still hear him though and he is trying so hard to be brave for you. Has he always tried to be brave for you? You never noticed. He yells again and asks you to be his boyfriend. The world is ending and Beverly Toegold V just asked you to be his boyfriend. You smile broadly and nearly choke because saline water gets into your mouth. You tell him yes, yes of course you will be his boyfriend, you would choose him always, in any life. You can barely see him and you absolutely cannot hear him but you know this is good. This is everything you wanted.
And you get put in a gem.
You…. honestly cannot remember much of your time in the gem. Most of it was spent trying to keep remembering other things. You cannot keep track of time and so the first few. Days? You worry that it has been years and you have not noticed. Maybe time is different here like in the Feywild. Maybe people forgot about you. You shake yourself and remind yourself that your boyfriend is coming to get you, you know he will. Your. Wait. Bev was his name right? Beverly Toegold. VII? V?
You almost miss your journal now but you spend your time instead tracing back your memories. Your sister Egwene, your Nana, her Werther’s Originals. Egwene’s bow and poison arrows. Her being called the Snake Lady (The Adder Lady maybe?) You can’t remember whether Hardwon was a half elf or a dwarf but you remember his warmth when you hug him. You remember Moonshine’s food and Pawpaw’s fur under your fingers. You remember mostly Beverly; his freckles and scars (on the face, most on his legs, a small one on the shoulder from when he fell down the. Stairs? patio?). You remember his smile but you forget the color of his eyes. That puts you in a loop for a long time, or whatever time means in that place.
The entire time you feel your power being siphoned by Thiala and you know with a sick feeling that she is using it to heal herself, to keep herself going. You briefly debate ending it so she doesnt get anymore power but you can’t bring yourself to. It’s unfair that your life ends here when you never got to see any of life or go with Egwene for poison berry hunting or make food with Nana or bury Redd and Gunther properly or kiss Beverly again and again and again and again. You stay alive and you hope. You wait in anger and fear and hope.
The gem breaks suddenly and you tumble out, in the middle of a hellish battle with a god on one side. You turn and look and Beverly is right there. You can see his eyes, they are brown with flecks of green, how did you forget that? You smile and push yourself up, through levels of exhaustion and hurt. You can’t stay down now when Beverly has done so much to bring you back. Beverly is reaching towards you to pull you back, to keep you safe but you look at him in his eyes and he looks back with so much love and so much devotion. You must have forgotten that too or maybe you noticed it for the first time. Moonshine is asking you if you can walk, if you can help, with a tone that tells you that you could walk away if you wanted. You look at her again then and your voice comes out clear and true.
You are Erlin Kindleaf. You are the healer. Nobody is going to die.