Work Text:
SEASON TWO, EPISODE FIVE
TITLE: “Worth A Laugh”
INT. HARRIET’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Wand buzzes under pillow. HARRIET (28) sits up in bed rubbing at her eyes. She gropes around the floor.
HARRIET
Where are my boots?
DOM (voice over)
Hermione confiscated them, if you’ll recall. For some unfathomable reason she thought you’d forget about the baby shower and brew all day without a tangible reminder.
HARRIET
I wouldn’t do that.
Beat.
Again.
LAUGH TRACK
HARRIET startles, falling out of bed, looks around.
HARRIET
Did Sirius get past the wards again?
DOM
If he had I’d expect more glitter.
LAUGH TRACK
HARRIET hangs her head
That’s going to get old fast.
Cue theme song.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
James is at the stove wearing an apron that says "Kiss Curse the Cook." Flames shoot up briefly as Harriet stumbles out of the Floo.
JAMES
Harry, what do you call it when it’s not quite burned but also not really edible?
HARRIET
Mum didn’t put you in charge of the desserts, did she?
JAMES
Of course not. She told Remus to do it. Then Remus took Rispah on a three day holiday to Norwich. He asked me to watch their kids while Eleni handles the eclairs.
HARRIET
But then…
JAMES
Eleni switched jobs, obviously.
HARRIET
Yeah, saw that coming.
JAMES
Wish I had.
LAUGH TRACK
Harriet jerks, but James doesn’t react.
HARRIET
Seriously? Here, too? I thought my apartment was bad enough.
JAMES
What do you mean?
HARRIET (suspiciously)
You didn’t hear that?
JAMES
Hear what?
SIRIUS enters
The sound of my fabulousness, no doubt. Behold!
SIRIUS spins slowly, showing off robes with an animated solar system and constellations done entirely in shades of pink.
JAMES
Thought it was supposed to be flower themed.
SIRIUS
Fuschia is floral enough. And twins are cosmic!
LAUGH TRACK
JAMES
Did George tell you that?
SIRIUS
He’d know, wouldn’t he?
HARRIET
Is the laughter your doing, Sirius?
SIRIUS (confused)
That is my aspiration, but nobody has laughed yet. But the night is young!
ADDY (15) enters wearing a large python around her neck
Dad, you’d better not be using Ratbane’s food in whatever travesty you’re mutilating over there.
She opens a second refrigerator and pulls out a stasis-charmed toad.
JAMES
Why would I put snake food into baby shower pastries?
ADDY brandishes the toad and waves at James’s smoking pot with her other hand
Which would you rather eat?
HARRIET, SIRIUS, and RATBANE all immediately point at the toad.
LAUGH TRACK
JAMES
Right, fair enough. Harry, do you think cinnamon can cancel out the taste of... mystery?
HARRIET
Dad.
JAMES
You’re right. Lasagna protocol: cover it in cheese and hope for the best.
LAUGH TRACK
ADDY
By the way, Harry, I wanted to ask your advice on something. Can we talk in my room?
HARRIET
Did anyone else hear that? This is getting seriously weird.
ADDY
Just imagine how I feel asking.
LAUGH TRACK
INT. ADDY’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Addy and Harry sit side by side on the bed. The walls are covered in terrariums filled with various snakes and lizards.
HARRIET
What’s up?
ADDY
I, well, I got a letter. From Joselle.
HARRIET
She’s the one a year above you at Beauxbatons, right?
ADDY
She invited me to come visit her in Toulouse next month. Meet her family. I don’t know what to do.
HARRIET
Of course, I’ll house sit your snakes. You don’t even have to ask.
LAUGH TRACK
ADDY
You know that’s not what I meant. Should I go? She’s cute, and funny, and brilliant, but visiting over the summer? That’s a big step.
HARRIET
I’m really gratified that you trust my opinion, but unless you’re asking about how to get there without James knowing, I’m not sure what you’re expecting me to say. You know this kind of social stuff is more Pansy’s thing. If you want actually good advice, don’t you think you ought to ask her?
ADDY
I think trying to pawn off sisterly emotional support duties onto your ex is a scummy move.
LAUGH TRACK
HARRIET (rolls her eyes)
That’s really annoying.
ADDY
Yeah. That’s why I called you out on it.
HARRIET
Seriously? You honestly can’t hear the laughter either?
ADDY
Are you trying to get out of an emotional conversation by pretending to have auditory hallucinations? Again?
LAUGH TRACK
HARRIET
That was one time.
ADDY crosses her arms and stares.
HARRIET
Fine, forget it. Yes, I think you should go. Absolutely. France has been good for you, and if it’s anything like my school experience then most of that is thanks to the friendships you’ve been making. I may not have managed to muster any actual sense of romance when I dated Leo or Pansy … or Leo again, but I’ve never regretted the attempts.
ADDY
It didn’t change your friendships?
HARRIET
Of course it did, but that’s a good thing. Relationships are supposed to grow when you do. Like boots. As wonderful as they might be now, if you don’t let the sizing charms do their job, they won’t fit the people you become.
ADDY
It always does come back to the boots with you. But thanks. That was actually really helpful. …which is why I have to ask:
(switches to parseltongue)
Isss that you, Archie?
HARRIET (in parseltongue)
No, I’m Treessslider. Harry invented a crosss-ssspeciesss polyjuiccce.
ADDY
If that’s supposed to be sarcasm, you need to come up with a less believable scenario.
HARRIET (offended)
You think Treeslider could give better relationship advice than me?
ADDY
Évidemment, non?
HARRIET
Je ne pense pas que ce soit du tout évident.
ADDY
Yep, you’re Harry. Your accent still sounds a bit like a house elf. Alright, next question: how do I get there without Dad knowing?
LAUGH TRACK
EXT. DESERT (MINDSCAPE) – NOON
DOM in pharaoh shape lounges before a pyramid surrounded by attendants looking like Star Wars Twi'leks. One is feeding him sushi and chocolates.
HARRIET appears
Your theming gets less consistent every day.
DOM
Why settle for world domination now that I know the galaxy is on the table?
HARRIET
I figured it out. Why nobody else can hear the laughter.
DOM (smirking)
What laughter?
HARRIET
The invisible audience that apparently finds my life hilarious.
DOM
I’ve been laughing at you for years, and you’re just now noticing?
HARRIET
You must’ve gotten lazy enough to start outsourcing, because ever since this morning I’ve been hearing a crowd of people laughing at everything that happens.
DOM shapeshifts in Ricky Gervais
Does that sound like something I would do? Install a laugh track in your own head to highlight the absurdity that is your day-to-day experience, potentially driving you insane, or at least making you look unhinged to the people around you?
HARRIET
Yes!
One by one the attendants change to look like the rest of the cast of The Office.
DOM
You’re right, it does, doesn’t it? That would be a devious and highly entertaining prank, yes?
HARRIET
No!
Beat
Well, yes. Maybe a bit. But you need to stop.
DOM
Alas, I cannot.
HARRIET
What do you mean, you can’t? Just turn off the laugh track.
DOM
No can do.
HARRIET
And if I make it an order?
DOM
Won’t make a difference. I’m not the one doing it. I do wish I’d thought of it, though, because this is the most fun I’ve had since Daphne’s blood equality sit-in at the Ministry.
HARRIET
I still want to know how you got Fred and George to stage a food fight in the atrium.
DOM shifts to look like Jerry Seinfeld
Can I interest you in some soup?
EXT. GARDEN – AFTERNOON
Baby shower decorations in two different themes clash in the Potter garden. LILY, ADDY, HARRIET, DR. JEAN GRANGER, and a very pregnant HERMIONE sit in a circle of folding chairs eating fancy catered desserts. A central table holds a tray of unlabeled baby food jars and tiny tasting spoons. A handwritten sign reads “Guess that Goo!”
LILY
The next game is self-explanatory. We taste each mystery jar and guess the flavor. Winner gets bragging rights and the ice cream sculpture Sirius put on the gift table.
HARRIET
What flavor is the ice cream?
LILY
Pistachio currant.
HARRIET blinks
Now I’m not sure if I want to win or not.
ADDY tastes Jar #1
Cheese and regret. I guess we know where Dad’s eclairs went.
JEAN
Actually, I brought these. Daniel made them.
LAUGH TRACK
ADDY winces
And there’s the aftertaste with awkwardness and extra regret.
HARRIET
That explains why I can’t sense the ingredients. I thought this would be like deciphering a potion, but there’s no magic to connect to.
LILY
That’s intentional. It’s no fun if you treat it like a brewing exercise.
HARRIET
Potions are fun.
JEAN tastes Jar #2
Is this... chicken? But... sweet?
ADDY (writing)
I’m putting “betrayal.”
LAUGH TRACK
LILY
I think it’s duck and apple. Like Christmas in a blender.
HARRIET
That is a crime against both birds and fruit.
ADDY smells Jar #3
Nope. This one’s just called “no.”
JEAN tastes, grimacing
Peas and Bovril. I’m sure of it.
HERMIONE puts her pen down
Finished. Jar #3 was green beans, sage, watercress, and chickpeas.
HARRIET
Slow down, ‘Maia, the rest of us still have two jars to go.
HERMIONE
You’ll want to skip the next one, Harry. It’s got herring and beef in it.
HARRIET
Hey! That’s good data for your baby book. “Week 34: learned evil comes in jars.”
LAUGH TRACK
LILY tastes Jar #5
Oh, yams. Classic.
ADDY
Finally, something I’d be willing to feed my nieces.
HARRIET
If we let you feed them, they’ll be critiquing purées in French by age two.
ADDY
And that’s …bad?
HERMIONE gestures at her bump
As long as they come out of there to do it, I’ll be grateful. My bladder has been serving them daily eviction notices since April.
LAUGH TRACK
HERMIONE smiles and leans back as ADDY collects the guesses. HARRIET notices HERMIONE’s smile and narrows her eyes
ADDY
Okay, time to score this nonsense and see which one of us is the most intuitive goo detective.
HARRIET (deliberately)
I didn’t study for this.
LAUGH TRACK
INT. HERMIONE & ARCHIE’S LIVING ROOM – EVENING
HERMIONE reclines on the couch, sipping tea. HARRIET bursts in through the open side door.
HERMIONE
Well, hello. Did you storm in for dramatic effect or just forget how knocking works?
HARRIET (deadpan)
I brought backup.
HARRIET lifts an electronic voice recorder. It plays a clip: her own voice followed by a familiar LAUGH TRACK. HARRIET pauses the clip. Silence.
HARRIET
It was real. You had that following me around all day, and convinced the family to pretend they couldn’t hear it.
HERMIONE
I have no idea what you’re—
HARRIET
Hermione. I went to Diagon. Tate was in on it. Even Margo! But the random customers reacted. I could record it. It was real. It was you.
HERMIONE grins
Not going to ask how I did it?
HARRIET
I found the disks you planted in my shoes. Absolutely genius. A modified detection disk to identify humorous situations, linked to audio playback.
Beat.
I am never letting you touch my boots again.
HERMIONE
It was fun, right?
HARRIET
You created a soundscape of judgment and timed it to my existential beats!
HERMIONE
Technically, I created a meta-commentary on performative normalcy in daily life.
LAUGH TRACK
HARRIET groans
Why?!
HERMIONE hands HARRIET a cup of tea
Well, it seemed appropriate. See, I remember Rigel telling me that his life sometimes felt like a joke. So it seemed like a good prelude to asking: what do you think about me making Rigel the official Godfather for the two newest Blacks?
HARRIET spit takes
You’re terrifying.
HERMIONE
I’m creative. Pregnant. And bored. Dangerous combination.
HARRIET
Regulus will murder someone.
HERMIONE
Regulus ordered catered desserts for the shower today. I think he’s coming around.
HARRIET (thoughtful)
How do you think he’d react to a personal laugh track?
Cue credits.