Chapter Text
Simon’s hands trembled as he wrapped his arms around himself as though he were cold, shuffling nervously on his feet just beyond the Hotel Dumort. He glanced up at the blacked-out windows, shifting side to side on the balls of his feet, struggling to breathe evenly. He hadn’t been back to the Hotel after nearly being killed by Raphael. Simon closed his eyes. Raphael would kill him on sight. He told him to never return. But Simon couldn’t stay away. He just couldn’t leave him. He’d missed him, hadn’t realised how much until he was gone, hiding out in the Institute with Clary. But he wasn’t welcome among the vampires anymore. Raphael never wanted to see him again, and if he did, he was dead…er. Simon sighed, trying not to cry. How did things end up this way? How did this happen?
Two days previously…
Simon stared down at the contact in his phone, thumb hovering hesitantly over the call button. Clary and the others slept soundly down the hall, and Simon sat on his borrowed bed – Clary had given Simon Jace’s room for the time being – and stared down at his phone like he had been for twenty minutes now. He wanted so badly to call. To hear Raphael’s voice. To know he was still there, still real, and this life of his wasn’t some crazy delusion he was having. Here in the Institute, where he’d been ever since they woke up Jocelyn a week ago, he wasn’t Simon. He was a vampire. A Downworlder. Simon felt almost proud to be a vampire in the Hotel Dumort, surrounded by others like him, and being with Raphael who was the proudest and strongest vampire in New York (as far as Simon was concerned). Raphael made him feel like a person, like there was nothing wrong with his nature. Here, the Lightwood’s parents looked down their noses at him, here Alec would roll his eyes when he started talking and walk away, where Izzy would humour him good-naturedly, but get lost in the conversation, and with Clary who was too busy with her mother and thoughts of finding Jace to be a good companion to anyone.
He missed the quiet of the Hotel. He missed Raphael. Missed his quiet chuckle and his wicked smirk, missed the way he’d shake his head at anything Simon said, but with a smile on his lips. He missed watching him read by the fireplace, or changing outfits endlessly before meetings. He missed the feel of his hand, protective on his back whenever Simon felt threatened, his shoulder against his when they were close enough to touch, missed being able to grab Raphael by the arm and drag him out of his chair, leaning close to whisper to him and convince him to help with whatever crazy scheme the Shadowhunters had cooked up this time. He missed the way Raphael would sigh and roll his eyes, and agree. He missed Raphael muttering in Spanish, softly as if to avoid anyone hearing him. He just missed Raphael. If anyone had told Simon that one day he’d feel this way about a vampire who kidnapped him, Simon would have thought they were crazy. And yet here he was.
Almost by mistake, his thumb slipped and pressed call. Unable to breathe, Simon pressed the phone to his ear, hoping beyond hope that Raphael would answer. What he got was a deep sigh.
“If you think I’m answering this phone-call you’ve got another thing coming,” Raphael muttered.
“Technically, you already did.” Simon couldn’t help but say.
“I’m hanging up.”
“No Raphael wait!” Simon cried.
He glanced up, realising it was night and he was shouting. He heard Raphael breathe another sigh on the other end, but he didn’t hang up. Simon took his chance, and swallowed thickly.
“…I’m sorry…” he whispered.
“If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it.” Raphael said flatly. “You betrayed me Simon, I have nothing to say to you.”
“I didn’t want to, please Raphael I didn’t…” Simon blinked, trying to stop tears from flowing. “You know why, I had to. I had to help Jocelyn, you weren’t going to help us.”
“So you thought freeing Camille was better?” Raphael snapped. “Simon you don’t know how dangerous she is! You let loose a demon! Do you honestly think that if Camille wasn’t a threat, I wouldn’t have helped you? I did what I could, and you went behind my back to break my orders and the alliance.”
“I…I had to do anything to help…” Simon said weakly.
“You didn’t have to do anything. You chose. You chose to do it because of your love for that redhead Shadowhunter, and in doing so you hose to be one of them.”
“No it’s not like that!” Simon gasped. “I don’t love –”
“Don’t you dare lie to me Simon Lewis, just admit you did what you did for her!”
“I did it for Clary, but not because I love her! She’s my best friend! Raphael, she’s been my best friend since we were children, and I was her only hope. I had to help…”
Raphael sighed deeply. “I know she is.” He murmured. “I know you wanted to help. But Simon…”
“I betrayed you. Betrayed your trust.” Simon closed his eyes. “I know…I’m sorry.”
“You’ve no idea the consequences of your actions Simon,” Raphael said. “I’ll be lucky I’m still alive by the end of the week.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think Camille is going to just let me walk free after I turned on her and locked her in the basement?” Raphael scoffed. “I’m a dead man walking, and Camille is crafty. It’s only a matter of time before she comes to kill me and let me tell you, that woman has been alive long enough to know the perfect ways to torture people. So if I end up dead it’s all your damn fault and you can beat your stupid ass I’m haunting you for the rest of your miserable existence!”
Simon had to put down the phone, screwing his eyes shut tightly, not wanting to think about how much the thought of Raphael dying actually hurt him. He hesitantly brought the phone to his ear again, where Raphael was still raging on.
“Don’t talk about dying…” he murmured over Raphael’s rage. “I couldn’t stand that happening to you…”
Raphael quietened. He didn’t seem to know what to say.
“I’ve hurt you.” Simon sighed. “I know that. I’m so sorry Raph…”
“I’m not hurt,” Raphael denied gruffly. “I couldn’t care less whether you chose a damn Shahdowhunter over your own people.”
“They’re not my people –”
“You’re a vampire Simon!” Raphael shouted. “We are your people! You are one of us! Not them!”
“Raph there’s no ‘we’ or ‘them’,” Simon protested.
“You’re young and naïve. I was there when the Circle tried to kill us all, I remember our people scurrying into the Downworld, desperate to hide, desperate to fight back. Even before that, Shadowhunters have never looked on us with anything but disdain. And now it’s all the same, they are the enemy, they hate us and they fear us, they’ll never accept us as equal and every Downworlder knows that.”
Simon couldn’t argue with that, Raphael knew far more than he did about that prejudice.
“The Shadowhunters you hang out with seem like decent people, but that’s as far as their decency goes. They’ll never look at you as an equal, they’ll never see you as a person. You belonged with us. But you chose them Simon, and now you’re dead to us. You’re dead to me.”
“Raphael…” it broke his heart to hear those words. He bit down on his hand to stop himself from crying.
“You want to choose the Shadowhunters than you can be treated like one. You’re not welcome among our kind anymore, you’re not a vampire. Not a Shadowhunter, and not mundane. You belong nowhere.”
“No one ever likes me anyway,” Simon muttered back bitterly. “It won’t make much of a difference whether I’m welcome or not there or at the Institute.”
“The others distrusted you, it’s wasn’t dislike. They were jealous.” Raphael said.
Simon scoffed. “Why would they be jealous of me?”
“Because I liked you.” Raphael murmured.
Simon froze. Raphael…liked him? Like liked him…? Or…? Then he realised what he’d said, and his heart sank.
“Liked…?”
Raphael snorted. “After you betrayed me, what do you expect?”
“I needed to make Camille help Clary!” Simon snapped, finally getting defensive. “Jocelyn’s like a second mom to me, I had to wake her up and I had to free Camille for that! If you had have trusted me –”
“I was trying to protect you idiota!” Raphael yelled. “You have no idea what she is capable of! I didn’t want her to hurt you…” Raphael’s voice faltered, and broke before trailing away.
Was he…crying?
“I could have let you die Simon, when Camille killed you, I could have left you there but I didn’t. I could have left you to run off on your own when you turned, but I didn’t. I’m not the most patient person but I took care of you as much as I could and I helped you when you asked me to. I thought…I thought we at least had some kind of agreement…I trusted you. But you didn’t trust me.”
Oh God please don’t let him be crying. He couldn’t handle his tears, no.
“We do, we did. And I do!” Simon stammered. “Trust you that is. Raphael I never wanted this…I didn’t meant for any of this I swear…”
“See, the thing is I believe you,” Raphael said. “But nothing changes.”
“Of course not,” Simon agreed dejectedly. “And now you want me dead…”
Simon heard a soft curse in Spanish. “I don’t want you dead pequeño. I just…I was so angry…I couldn’t think…but I never would have killed you…I would have probably beaten the daylights out of you though,”
Simon gave a weak chuckle. “I deserve it.”
“Finally we agree on something.” Raphael sounded vaguely amused.
There was silence then. Simon sighed, thinking how this had happened. The decision seemed obvious at the time, but even then he had struggled with going against Raphael’s orders.
“You know, Raphael…” Simon said softly. “Clary was everything to me…I thought, you know at one point, I’d finally found The One, you know? True love I guess. I thought I’d found that in her, and that if I tried hard enough she’d see it too. I would have done anything. But then everything changed. This guy came along…and he changed everything. I’d never met anyone like him before…he’s a bit of a jerk at first, and I annoyed him so much, but there are times when he can be the most caring person in the world. When he doesn’t have to be the leader, tough and cold and unfeeling, he can just…be.”
Simone thought of all the unguarded moments, all the small moments and the close moments he’d shared with Raphael hat no one else had. When Raphael helped him with his hair for the wedding, and helped him pick out one of his suits to wear. When Raphael would murmur in Spanish, teaching Simon simple things if he asked, smiling when he got a word right. He thought of Raphael teaching him how to eat mundane food without being sick, how to wear the Star of David safely, and always making him stop when it burned him too much. Simon didn’t even try to stop himself crying this time, he let the tears roll down his cheeks as he hiccupped, breathing unevenly as he continued through his sniffles. He missed Raphael so much.
“I realised there was so much more to him than what the world saw. They looked at him and saw a monster, I looked at him and saw an angel. He saved me…so many times, and I never really thanked him, I just kept disappointing him. Then I had to betray him and his trust to help a friend, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done…and I regret it so much…I know I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll never stop being sorry…and I know he won’t forgive me, and that he hates me…but he’s everything to me…I don’t want to lose him…”
Simon couldn’t be sure, over his quiet crying, but he could swear Raphael was shedding tears of his own.
“Raphael I need you.” Simon whispered brokenly.
“Simon…” Raphael’s voice seemed lost, confused, but most of all, lonely.
Simon held his breath, waiting. Anxiously, he gnawed at his bottom lip.
“Lo siento,” Raphael murmured. “Lose my number. And don’t ever come back to the Hotel.”
“Raphael please! I – I love you…”
Simon heard Raphael hiss before he hung up. He should have known it would turn out like this. He really hoped Clary wouldn’t hear him crying all night, before he slumped down to the basement to get into his casket before the sun rose. Raphael hated him. He’d never see him again.
It was over
…
…
…
Or was it?
TBC…