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It had been exactly three weeks, two days, five hours, and ten minutes since James had last seen Koh.
He wasn’t counting down to the seconds, that would just be ridiculous (twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five -).
It wasn’t that James was bursting with the need to see him, or anything. After all, he was the one who’d been stubbornly ignoring Koh this entire time. He wouldn’t pick up Koh’s calls, respond to his texts, or answer the door when he came over. He even sped off in the opposite direction if he happened to catch sight of that familiar flash of raven black hair in his peripheral vision.
Drastically reducing the amount of time he spent with his childhood best friend was not negatively affecting him in any way whatsoever.
He couldn’t sleep well because he’d always suffered from insomnia, it had nothing to do with Koh withdrawals buzzing beneath his skin. He was having a hard time finding the energy to eat because he’d caught a strange illness that caused food aversion. He wasn’t leaving his house as much because he wanted to hone his gaming skills before his latest competition.
In conclusion, James was fine. He wasn’t spending every waking second regretting his decision to distance himself from Koh, and he certainly wasn’t wishing that he could bite back his pride to come crawling back to his best friend.
He was currently milling around the site where the gaming tournament he'd signed up for was being held. It hadn’t started yet, so people were aimlessly wandering around, unrecognizable faces blurring into the background.
Except for one face that he knew all too well. It was so familiar to him that he hadn’t been able to get it out of his head for months now.
He must be losing it, mind driven wild from those Koh withdrawals that he was definitely not experiencing. Because he was almost certain that Koh was walking towards him at this very moment.
Which shouldn’t be possible, because Koh would never be caught dead at a gaming competition. He sucked at every video game known to mankind. He usually settled for watching James play and providing very unhelpful commentary off to the side, where he couldn't sabotage the match with his clumsy fingers.
And yet, there he was, unmistakable in the way his eyes automatically sought out James, then made a beeline towards him. “There you are.”
James blinked stupidly, and he was trying to ignore the acid that was steadily climbing up the back of his throat, sending a wave of nausea throughout his body. Even just the sight of Koh was enough to push him into panic mode, and he regretted every decision that led him to this moment. His palms were sweating, his pulse was racing, and he felt sweat sliding down the back of his neck.
He should've just stayed inside, as he'd been doing as much as possible for the past few weeks.
“What are you doing here?”
That was all he could choke out, and it was a wonder how he managed to speak at all when his throat was closing up on him. When his biggest regret was staring him right in the face, in the form of his childhood best friend, whom he’d been trying so hard to forget. A fruitless endeavor, for every attempt at erasing Koh from his mind only made him reminisce that much harder.
Koh was attempting to stand casually, with his hands in his pockets, like he wasn’t bothered by the situation at all. He was failing, because James knew him like the back of his hand, and three weeks apart wasn't enough for him to forget every little detail that made up Koh's psyche.
No amount of time would allow that, for Koh had carved permanent indentations on the curves and ridges of his brain, scarring marks on his heart that would last until the end of the universe.
Koh was someone who could never be forgotten. His presence demanded attention whenever he walked into the room, and even long after he'd left. Even just the echoes of his being was enough to capture James’ attention and hold it hostage, until he couldn't possibly focus on anything else.
He watched Koh’s throat move as he swallowed around nothing, betraying his anxiety. His eyes were attuned to every little gesture and quirk of Koh's, due to so many years of cataloging his reactions.
“The event coordinator called me, apparently I signed up for a couple’s gaming competition.” He raised a singular eyebrow, fixing James with a questioning look. “The funny thing is, I don’t remember signing up for this. I’m not even that good at gaming in the first place.”
James’ blood ran cold, and he averted his eyes, taking note of how the strangers in the room weren’t dispersed randomly. No, they were all paired up. More specifically, they were all couples.
He took a deep breath, shaking himself out of his reverie and attempting to slide his brave face back on. He just had to get out of here, then everything would be okay.
He’d go back to tirelessly trying to scrub the sight of Koh’s face out of his mind, which seemed like a more hopeless endeavor with each day that passed. That tantalizing image had been burned onto the back of his eyelids, so much so that he even dreamed about it; siren-like eyes, a wide nose with freckles dotting over the bridge, constellations which continued all the way to his cheeks, turning his face into a canvas of color. Those wide, full lips that had once been so close to his own, inches away from a cosmic collision that would've tilted his entire world on its axis-
“Okay, I wrote your name down next to mine. I didn’t know it was a couple’s tournament. I thought it was asking for someone they could contact if they couldn't reach me.”
He blurted his explanation out, afraid it would never see the light of day if he didn’t speak quickly. He cringed at the sound of his own voice, pitchy and nervous as he fumbled his way through his sentences. Koh really turned him into a bumbling idiot with nothing more than his existence.
“So, I’m your emergency contact.”
Koh’s neutral tone gave nothing away. It was impossible to speak to him like this, without addressing the elephant in the room, the reason for the distance that had formed between them, at James’ behest.
James shrugged, looking down at his shoes. Anything was better than meeting those sharp eyes, those captivating irises that he’d long-since memorized every sparkle of. Because that only dragged him back into the painful memory of how the hurt had seeped into Koh’s eyes on that fateful day, three weeks, two days, five hours, twelve minutes and thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight-
“I didn’t think anything of it. Just go home and forget about this.”
“Why would I do that? I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks, but you keep avoiding me.”
“I wasn’t avoiding you, I was just busy.”
Koh threw an exasperated glance around the room, filled with people James had never met and would never meet again. “Busy joining gaming competitions, seriously? James, I know why you’re dodging me. You’re freaked out about what I said.”
Without his permission, his mind flashed back to that night. Who was he kidding? His mind had never left. He was stuck in a perpetual state of reliving the memory; the sadness dripping from Koh's voice in droves, James' shoes scraping across the floor as he walked away, the loud sound of the door closing behind him, putting a concrete barrier between them. Signifying the end of their friendship and the strengthening of James’ defenses that he wouldn't allow to be broken down.
Ever since he shut that door, all he’d wanted to do was turn around and run back inside. To retreat to the comfort and safety of Koh's arms and beg for forgiveness, to make things right between them so he didn't lose the most important person in his life.
But he just couldn’t. Pride was a ferocious beast that held James securely in its clutches, and he couldn't allow himself to be made a fool of.
Just minutes before, they'd been sitting on Koh’s bed, a familiar position for them to be in. James was reading the latest issue of a manga he’d been keeping up with, and Koh was scrolling on his phone. They spent so much time together that being in each other's presence while they did their own thing felt much more comfortable than being alone.
Koh suddenly turned his attention to James, blatantly staring at him. His phone was forgotten, abandoned on the mattress. Apparently, whatever he'd been doing was infinitely less interesting than inspecting every inch of James’ face, studying his expression as he read.
It was distracting. Mostly because he was always hyper-aware of the warmth Koh's body emitted, and how his own body naturally scooted closer, seeking out that sunlight. For Koh was the sunshine that dried up all of his rainy days, the sunlight peeking out from between the clouds that warmed up a nice patch of grass for him to lounge on.
His freckles were really distracting from up close, little dots of color adorning his cheeks that James wanted to count until he lost his breath.
“What are you looking at?”
Koh’s gaze dropped to his lips, and James’ heart stopped in his chest. Funnily enough, the halting of his heart did nothing to stop the blood from rushing to his face, turning his cheeks a bright red from the unexpected attention.
“I really want to kiss you.”
Now his heart was back to pumping, except this time, it was working twice as hard. He could feel every lub-dub, lub-dub, echoing throughout his entire body, tirelessly pumping more and more blood to his face, spreading more warmth throughout his chest. He felt so hot that he could’ve choked on his own body temperature, and he was feeling faint all of a sudden.
“That isn’t funny, Koh.”
But Koh didn’t admit he was messing around and punch his shoulder, as he might’ve expected. Instead, his expression was dead-serious, and he kept glancing down at James’ mouth, like he couldn’t keep his eyes away. Like he was transfixed on the way James’ lips formed around his words.
“Do you hear me laughing?”
Koh’s voice was indeed lacking humor, and no hints of teasing were present in his body language.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. There was no way his best friend of so many years, whom he happened to be madly in love with, was saying such a thing to him. Miracles like that only happened in movies and video games, of which James’ life was neither. He led an average existence, where the only difference he made in the world was moving up the ranks in gaming tournaments.
He was still processing this information, like a computer that was a few updates too late, when Koh was leaning in closer and closer, until he could feel the warm puff of Koh’s breath against his lips-
James panicked, holding up his manga to block the kiss, and then throwing the novel at Koh’s face for good measure. “What the hell are you doing? I'm not someone you can experiment with!”
Koh retreated, rubbing at his nose, which had taken the brunt of the whack. “Ouch. What are you talking about?”
James was exasperated, running his fingers through his hair like an overworked retail employee. “You're straight, you don’t want to kiss me.”
“I never said I was straight. How are you going to tell me what I want? If you don’t want to kiss me, just say that.”
Koh looked confused and hurt, like a wounded animal that had been injured by its human handler, the one person it trusted most in the entire world. And that somehow hurt even more than the mockery Koh was making out of him, twisting the knife deeper and deeper until it penetrated every layer of James’ heart, leaving permanent scars that could never be covered up.
He couldn’t even say that he didn’t want to kiss Koh, because that would be an obvious lie. And Koh could always tell when he was lying, they’d been friends for too long for them to hide any secrets from each other.
Except for this once thing, which James had managed to keep firmly under lock and key, until now. He’d shoved his feelings for Koh deep into his chest, hidden away like dirty laundry, until he was certain nobody would ever find out.
But that was all crashing down around him, leaving him lost in the chaos as he struggled to find his footing on shaky ground. Because somehow, Koh had found out about his feelings and became a little bi-curious. That was the only explanation for why Koh suddenly tried to make a move on him.
Koh was holding his hands out towards James, a placating gesture, and now he was the wounded animal in the situation. The dangerous beast, being coaxed into a false sense of security, only for his human counterpart to yank him into a bear trap.
He refused to play the victim in this story, falling prey to Koh's poisonous fangs that pierced through layers of skin, all the way down to his heart. One second of Koh's sweet venom would be all he needed to experience a rush of euphoria, but what came after wouldn't be so pleasant.
“James, just listen to me.”
But he didn’t want to hear anymore. He didn’t want to spend one more second around Koh. He was afraid that if he did, his insides would show through his translucent skin, exposing how his heart beat for Koh, his blood pumped for him, his lungs swallowed air for him. He lived and breathed for Koh.
Koh was his everything.
And yet, he stormed out, leaving his entire heart and soul behind on that bed.
Thus began his weeks of the ice-cold silent treatment. He was really determined when he wanted to be, which meant he was able to avoid Koh for all this time, successfully freezing him out of his life.
Except now, the very man he most wanted to avoid was standing right in front of him, piercing him with those eyes, deep pools of complex emotion that James was always weak to.
“I think you like me back, and that scares you. You thought it was easier to push me away than admit to your feelings. Am I right?”
James offered a shaky scoff, not convincing in the slightest. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to give off a facade of nonchalance and cold-hearted disinterest. “What gave you that idea?”
“We’ve been friends for so long. If you wanted to reject me, you would’ve done it with words, not by throwing a book at my face.”
James didn’t say anything. He had no words left in his arsenal, all of his thoughts had already flown out of his head from the first moment he saw Koh’s face, those sweet eyes, those darling freckles-
His silence was a confession in its own right, or at least, Koh seemed to think so. Because his lips curled into a pleased smile, a gesture James hadn’t seen in far too long.
"If we win the tournament, then I get to take you on a date.”
His head was still reeling from Koh’s smile, those pretty lips curled up in the corners like their little secret, when he was thrown back in the deep end from the proposed ultimatum.
It was preposterous. There was no way Koh actually wanted to go on a date with the likes of him, he wouldn't believe it for even a second.
“I already said this isn’t funny-”
Koh cut his sentence short by grabbing onto his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Koh held his gaze as he gently raised James’ hand, higher and higher, giving him plenty of time to yank his way out of Koh’s grasp.
But for some unforeseen reason, he didn’t. He simply stood there, in a trance, as those soft lips which he’d been dreaming about for years were gently pressing against the back of his hand.
“I’m not joking. I like you, seriously. Let me prove it.”
He knew enough about Koh to determine that he was being genuine in this moment. But this was all so confusing. It made no sense for Koh to randomly decide one day that he had feelings for James, when they’d been getting along well as best friends for years before that.
But Koh had gotten it into his head that moving on to kissing James’ fingers was the correct course of action, his sinful lips brushing against every black-painted fingernail, so James really did have to pull his hand away before he exploded on the spot.
“Okay, fine. But if we lose, then you have to stop talking about this.”
“Deal.”
His idiotic agreement was born from the need to find a way out of this peculiar situation, so his poor, pitiful heart would live to see another day after being trampled on in every way possible. Koh may as well have driven an entire train over James’ heart, leaving it bloody and beaten on the railroad tracks, doomed to never be whole again. Because forcing James to spend even one more second in his presence was cruel, kicking him while he was down, throwing him into a deeper canyon when he thought he'd already reached rock bottom.
It was fine. There was no way they’d win, not with a terrible player like Koh on his team. He just had to get through this blasted tournament, and then things could return to normal. Koh would admit that he was just confused, and had mistaken his intense platonic feelings for romantic yearning.
James would hide his pain with a broken smile, pretending like the admission didn’t tear into his heart like a medieval sword, ripping such a wide hole down the center that it cracked in half, causing it to rot and decay within the suffocating confines of his chest.
He’d spare Koh from his guilt by playing the fool, absorbing all of the hurt for himself so that Koh could continue about his life, with James by his side. Because James really couldn’t stay away from Koh, that much was certain. He’d given it an honest shot, but his life had been so intertwined with Koh's for so long that it was now impossible to separate the tendrils of their fates. They would remain friends until the end of their days. Because as long as James' legs were working, they'd always lead him back to Koh.
And maybe then, when James was on his deathbed, he’d finally have the courage to do what he couldn’t do now. At long last, he’d become true to himself, releasing all of his burdens, just in time for the sweet release of death to claim him in its wicked clutches.
Every team had to introduce themselves before the match could begin. James had been tuning everyone out, not caring what their names were when he intended on never crossing paths with any of them again.
His mind was entirely too focused on the warmth of Koh by his side, and the way he'd insisted on holding James' hand. His palm was warm and comforting, as much as James didn’t want to admit it.
James was too weak to pull away this time, especially because he knew Koh wouldn't stop trying. Whatever his dastardly goal was, James would make sure he didn't achieve it, even if he had to subject himself to hand-holding that he definitely hadn’t imagined hundreds of times.
When it was their turn to speak, he was so zoned out that he didn’t even notice. Which meant Koh had free rein of the conversation.
“I’m Koh, and this is my boyfriend, James.”
Koh raised their joined hands dramatically between them, as if to make a point, and James was mortified.
James knew, in theory, that they were pretending to be a couple for the purposes of the competition. But still, hearing Koh refer to him in such a way had his heart working double-time in his chest, pushing an embarrassing flush into his cheeks that Koh definitely noticed.
Well, there went his nonchalant act, up in smoke like the foolish dreams he once held of becoming an actual couple with Koh, back when he was young and naive. Before cruel reality sank its sharp teeth into him, crushing him into a pile of blood and bone.
Luckily, the tournament started soon after, so Koh was forced to let go of his hand.
James should've played horribly and sabotaged his team of two, ensuring this awkward haze that had surrounded them would dissipate when Koh's dumb idea of going on a date wouldn't be realized. He’d play his designated part of the best friend, the sidekick in Koh’s story. Then one day, Koh would find someone else to settle down with, the person he was actually fated to spend his life with.
He’d be so happy that he’d slowly forget about James, leaving him with nothing but his fond memories to cling onto like a washed-up actor, spending every second reliving times past and wishing he could turn back time and do things differently. That he could find the confidence and courage to face his feelings head-on, and finally get that kiss he’d been yearning for.
Alas, it just wasn’t meant to be. Things were better this way, with James being the heartbroken, forgotten best friend of the past, as Koh forged a bright future for himself with a homely family.
Why, then, did that mental image bring him even more pain than the hurt look on Koh’s face that day? And why did he find his competitive nature kicking in, playing flawlessly despite his plan to do the opposite?
He was simply too prideful when it came to gaming, that was all. His ego was too big for him to throw the match. It wasn’t like he held out any false hopes that they’d actually win and ride off into the sunset together. Such a concept was ludicrous.
They'd still lose, because Koh kept fumbling and missing the targets, but they could advance through the ranks a bit first. At least then, he could preserve his pride while also maintaining his long-held friendship.
He tossed aside his feelings, as much as he possibly could, to focus on the match at hand. He found himself having more fun than he’d had in ages. He’d missed Koh so much that his snarky little remarks about the opposing teams were enough to stir up the familiar whisps of joy in his chest that had become so scarce in Koh’s absence.
He even felt a few laughs bubbling up inside him at Koh’s ridiculous, creative insults, which he only came up with for the express purpose of amusing James. A method he’d been practicing for years just to get James to smile.
Against all odds, they made it to the halfway point of the match. James’ competitiveness was really working in their favor, and maybe he was showing off a little. After all, he couldn’t allow Koh to assume that his gaming skills had gotten rusty since the last time they met. Not that Koh ever really cared whether he was good at gaming or not, but it was the principle that mattered.
The tournament halted for half an hour to allow the remaining teams to regroup. Which just meant that he was now stuck with Koh glued to his side for thirty minutes, with nothing to distract them from the awkward situation at hand.
But Koh didn’t seem uncomfortable. Looking at him, you’d think that nothing happened between them at all. That they were still those same best friends they were a month ago, when neither of them was considering crossing the invisible line in the sand that separated friendship from something more.
What that something more was, James wasn’t really sure. The concept was elusive; murky waters that appeared bottomless, a thick fog that was impossible to see through. He didn’t dare stick his hand through the mist, into the unknown, for fear of losing his limb to whatever beast lay in wait in the foggy depths.
But Koh had no problem with sticking his hand through the gloomy smog. Or rather, with setting his hand on top of James’, where it was resting on the table they were sitting at.
James didn’t pull away. He was frozen on the spot, his gaze stuck on the way Koh’s hand covered his own, like it was meant to fit there. Like his hand was the chosen eternal resting place of Koh's, and he would rather be touching nothing else on this Earth.
Koh scooted closer to him, until their thighs were touching. James still didn’t pull away. Instead, he mustered the courage to raise his gaze to Koh’s, trying his best to look put-together and intimidating rather than shattered and incapacitated by the warmth Koh was emitting through his clothes.
“Why did you randomly decide that you have feelings for me?”
Koh’s eyes widened briefly, not having expected the sudden question. Then he heaved a sigh, wearing a slightly shy smile. “Who said it was random? I’ve liked you since forever, Jamesy.”
James was pretty sure his heart stopped, for real this time. His blood drained from his face, and his fingers would’ve started shaking, if Koh wasn’t keeping them stable on the table. If the confession wasn’t enough to halt James’ world from turning, Koh just had to bring out the childhood nickname he’d given to James years and years ago, before growing out of it and halting its use entirely.
James never thought he’d hear that name again. But here he was, being blasted with countless fond memories, all because Koh was trying to drag some nostalgia-based reaction out of him.
“What? But, you never said anything.”
Koh’s free hand raised to rub sheepishly at the back of his neck. For the first time in this bizarre situation, he actually looked a bit embarrassed. “Well, neither did you. How long have you liked me?”
He wasn’t touching that question with a ten-foot pole. And besides, James had never even admitted to liking him, Koh was just assuming that the feelings were mutual.
It just so happened that he was correct, but James wasn’t about to let him know that.
Try as he might to keep his expectations low for fear of having his heart trampled on, a tiny spark of hope had come alive in his chest. One that he’d never allowed himself to tend to before, thinking it better to abandon it in the dark maze of his psyche, never to see the light of day.
But now, Koh’s touches and words nurtured that little glimmer of hope, fostering it until it grew into a bright light that guided itself out of the maze, allowing it to fill James’ chest with undeniable warmth.
He could only hope that Koh’s sweet promises weren’t laced with poison, venomous fangs ready to sink into his heart when he realized that he wasn’t actually into James, after all.
They lost the tournament.
James managed to carry them through the first few rounds of the second leg, but once they were matched up with teams that consisted of two seasoned players, his skills were no longer enough to pick up the slack caused by Koh’s lack of expertise.
James was supposed to be celebrating. This was the outcome he’d wanted, after all. Koh would stop spouting nonsense about liking him, and wanting to kiss him, empty words that he didn’t actually mean. He’d stop tugging and tugging at James’ heart, breaking it more every day, ruining the friendship between them by smudging that boundary that could never be re-drawn.
So, why was his heart only hurting even more now? Some small part of him had hoped that they’d win after all, that Koh would convince him to open up the ancient floodgates that sealed his heart, allowing him to sneak past James' defenses so they could develop a real relationship.
But Koh had already torn down all of those defenses. He’d ripped the wall surrounding James’ heart to shreds, tearing it apart brick by brick with his bare hands, until there was nothing left. He’d latched himself onto James’ heart, staking a claim, tattooing his name there, in a way that couldn’t be undone.
Koh had walked off when they officially lost, leaving James to his own devices. He really should’ve just left, allowing the balance to be restored, their status as friends set in concrete.
But his body was already moving on its own, following the direction Koh went.
He found Koh tucked away in some random corner, a ways away from the crowd. He was sitting on the ground, gaze trained downwards, looking utterly defeated.
Koh was genuinely bummed, and James had never seen him so downtrodden. Such a depressing expression didn't seem right on his face, not when James was used to his arrogant, playful grins.
He’d never stopped to think about how his absence had impacted Koh. Mostly because he’d assumed Koh would be able to move right on with his life easily, resuming where things left off, whether James was there or not. He didn’t think his presence impacted Koh’s state of mind one way or another.
Clearly, he was wrong about that. Because now that Koh was alone, he’d dropped all pretenses of confidence and allowed the cracks in his mask to show, exposing his sensitive insides. They’d seen each other nearly every day for as long as he could remember, he should’ve known that Koh had come to depend on him, too. They were intrinsically linked, slotted into each other's daily routines, until separation was nearly agonizing. Their friendship was always a two-way street.
It was quiet here, away from the competition. He could hear Koh’s every shaky breath, even down to the way his inhales stuttered as he tried to keep himself together. He couldn’t stand seeing his best friend like that.
“Koh?”
Koh looked up at him with big, rounded eyes and a sad little frown, resembling a kicked puppy. There were crystalline tears pooling in his eyes, and he gave a sniffle as he tried to keep himself together. James felt his heart lurch uncomfortably in his chest at the pitiful sight.
“Go on, make fun of me. Tell me how much I suck and how you've never thought about kissing me.”
Koh’s voice was thick as he attempted to hold back his tears, and James knew him well enough to discern that he was one second away from breaking down into sobs.
He was driven by pure instinct, his protective nature, which never wanted to see his best friend in such a sad state. His body moved faster than his brain, and he knelt down beside Koh, wrapping his arms around him.
Koh stiffened for a moment, unsure of how to react when the bond between them was in such a shaky state. But James started rubbing over his back, and that was enough for Koh to relax into his hold, tucking his face safely against James’ neck. The tender embrace was all he needed for his tears to spill over.
Koh was a warm weight in his arms, and his tears were nearly scalding where they landed on James’ neck. Each tear that fell only filled James further with regret. This was his best friend, his favorite person in the entire world, the man he was in love with. And yet, James had pushed him away. He’d made Koh feel like he was something that could be tossed aside, someone not worth fighting for.
When really, Koh was the only person in this world that James wanted to be with. He was worth everything in this universe. It wasn’t Koh that was the problem, it was him. Because he was a coward who had stubbornly kept his feelings to himself for so long that the possibility of having them exposed had scared him into running away.
Koh deserved someone who was brave, someone who would stand up in the face of their own weaknesses and not back down from confronting their fears. He deserved more than what James could give him.
But as he held his crying friend in his arms, all he found himself thinking was how badly he wished he could be the right person for Koh. And maybe, just maybe, he could become that strong-willed, confident person that Koh deserved. Perhaps he could be the one who was unabashed in the way he showed his affection, drowning Koh in so much adoration that he could doubt himself again.
Even though he was the cause of Koh's emotional state, he badly wanted to be the sunlight that dried up all of his tears. Just as Koh had always done for him, wiping away his tears when they were children, holding his hand when he could tell that James was about to start panicking, offering a shoulder to cry on when he couldn't calm James down before the floodgates opened.
In grade school, Koh never allowed anyone to pick on him on the playground, where he'd otherwise be an extremely easy target. When he pierced his ears and started painting his nails in high school, Koh had beaten up the kids who made fun of him for it. Koh even applied to the same University as him to ensure they’d never be torn apart. It was no surprise that James had fallen for him.
Koh had always been there for him, since before he could remember.
Now, it was his turn to be there for Koh.
“I’m so sorry, Koh. You’re right, I was just scared. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Koh raised his shaky arms, grabbing onto James’ shirt with both hands. “I know. You’d never hurt me, Jamesy.”
And that only broke James even further. Because he had hurt Koh, no matter how much he wished he hadn’t.
He’d taken Koh’s genuine admission of attraction and twisted it into something it wasn’t, he could see that now. His mind did that sometimes, crafting a false narrative and running with it until he ruined things with his own self-destructive habits. And Koh had become his biggest victim, wounded at the hands of James’ cowardice, his innocent intentions painted out into something sinister.
James was the one to pull away from the embrace. But he didn’t go far, only allowing himself enough space to gaze into Koh’s watery eyes. Those same eyes that lit up his entire world, giving him the motivation to face reality even on his most difficult days.
Koh was a constant in his life. The warm, grassy hill that was always open for him to lay on. The wind blowing through the trees and keeping him cool so he wouldn’t risk overheating. The flowers swaying in the gentle breeze that gave him something pretty to look at so he could unwind, all of his worries melting out of him like they weighed nothing.
Koh was prettier than any flower he’d ever seen, brighter than any sunset, more lumious than the moon. He was James’ everything, and James badly wanted to be that for him, too.
He desperately wanted to be Koh’s safe space, the person he could turn to no matter what crisis he was in, the warm body he sought comfort in when he was one moment away from being crushed into pieces from the weight of the world.
And in this charged moment, it almost felt like his dream was coming true. Because Koh still had a strong hold on his shirt, keeping him close. Koh had fallen apart when his face was hidden away against James’ neck, finding solace in his skin, trusting James to take care of him. Only Koh would be allowed to cry on him like this. He’d let Koh do anything to him, and he’d never complain, for being there for Koh was his life's purpose.
As he held Koh’s fragile body in his arms, he knew this was the moment to finally let go of his fears. He had to take that leap of faith and trust himself not to fall into pieces at the slightest provocation. He didn’t want to wait until he was old and grey to take hold of his destiny and steer it with his own two hands. He would stay whole, with his heart intact, for Koh.
He cupped Koh’s dampened cheeks in his palms, wiping away those crystalline tears from his constellation-covered skin. Koh leaned into the touch, looking every bit like an angel with broken wings, tiny teardrops clinging to his eyelashes like dewdrops hanging off a leaf.
James allowed himself a soft smile as he rubbed his thumbs against those freckled cheeks he so adored. He intentionally softened his voice, driven by the sight of Koh in such a fragile state.
“So, how about that date?”
Koh blinked slowly, the despair draining out of his face, replaced with pure confusion. His eyes were still wide and glassy, the most beautiful view James had ever set his sights on. He wanted the image burned into his retinas, so he could revisit it when he was having a bad day. And even when he was having a good day.
“But… we lost.”
Koh was mercilessly tugging on his heartstrings with that melancholic tone of voice, playing James like a piano without even knowing it.
“That just means you can't ask me out. I can still ask you out.”
Koh was still confused, even a bit disoriented. Perhaps his crying session had numbed his brain, leaving him stalled in processing mode, unless he could hardly process human speech anymore.
So, James did the only thing he could think of to snap Koh out of his trance while also making his intentions crystal clear.
He was still holding Koh’s cheeks ever-so-gently when he leaned in, pressing his lips against Koh’s. The first thing he noticed was the saltiness of Koh’s tears that had trailed their way down to his mouth, the taste liberating on his lips.
The second thing he took note of was the way Koh had gone completely still, not responding to the kiss. For a terrifying moment, he was worried that he’d made the wrong move, that Koh really didn’t want to kiss him after all-
But Koh’s hands were sliding up to clutch at his shoulders before he could pull away, anchoring him in place. And Koh’s lips started to move against his, soft yet unyielding. Their union was a mutual thing, neither of them taking express control. They poured their feelings into the kiss, years and years of repressed longing showing itself in the way their lips fit perfectly together, two puzzle pieces that had always been searching for their other half.
Something that had always been evasive finally slotted into place deep inside James’ psyche, and suddenly everything made sense. He was always meant to be by Koh’s side. Not just as a best friend and confidant, but as something much more. A life partner, a significant other, two halves of a whole.
James took the initiative to deepen the kiss, ensuring his mouth would spell out the truth that he’d been too scared to convey in words this whole time. How many years had he lost to his own cowardice? So much time wasted, that he could’ve been doing this instead, kissing Koh within an inch of his life while holding him against his chest.
James didn’t want to pull away. If he could choose, the world would stay eternally frozen in this moment, and the rest of the population would cease to exist. There would only be him and Koh, forever lip-locked in the long-awaited kiss that had stopped the planet in its tracks.
Alas, there would be plenty of time for kissing later. For now, they were still on the ground in a public place, and someone could walk by at any moment. He’d rather not have this intimate event spoiled by the prying eyes of outsiders who could never possibly understand the cosmic bond they shared.
And so, he slowly broke the kiss, pressing their foreheads together as they caught their breath. Koh’s eyes were still closed, and James wasn’t prepared for the moment they fluttered open, exposing those deep oceans of emotion that he’d fallen in love with.
Koh was so beautiful, the prettiest person on this entire planet. His flushed cheeks offered a stark contrast to his freckles, making them even more visible, beautifully dotting across his otherwise blemishless skin.
Koh’s lips parted, and James’ gaze was stuck on them. They were plump and wet from spit, his spit, and that information was enough to make him feel like his head was going to explode.
“I finally got that kiss I wanted. It was so worth the wait.”
Koh’s voice had returned mostly to normal, a slight tremor the only evidence that he’d been crying moments before. He was relieved that Koh had cheered up enough to find humor in the situation. One thing about Koh was that he never held a grudge. He was quick to forgive, as long as the person who’d inconvenienced him was genuine in their apology.
James always told him that he should put himself first and stop turning the other cheek, just in case that one got slapped too. But just this once, he was glad that Koh had such a forgiving nature. Because he knew without a doubt that he would never push Koh away again. He’d barely survived this time, and he’d still ended up right back at Koh’s side. The universe was telling him where he belonged, he’d be stupid to ignore the celestial signs.
His face was the reddest it had ever been, and his throat was dry from nerves, but he pushed on. Koh deserved to hear a proper confession, straight from his lips.
“I’ve liked you for such a long time.”
All of the tension drained out of Koh, and he let out a relieved sigh. “I thought you’d never admit it.” Then he was leaning in again, taking it upon himself to initiate the kiss this time.
All of his concerns of getting caught flew out the window, as his mind was emptied of everything but Koh, Koh, Koh. Because Koh was kissing him harder than before, taking ownership of his lips, staking his claim. He’d waited so long for this moment, just as much as James had, so James didn’t have the heart to cut it short.
Koh had always been so patient with him. Even now, he would be well within his rights to scorn James for how he’d reacted that day. Instead, he pulled James closer and kissed the daylights out of him.
James much preferred this response.
Once they could finally tear themselves away from each other, they were both red in the face, but Koh’s self-satisfied grin had returned. It lost some of its heat when he still had remnants of tear droplets on his eyelashes, but James was just happy to see the familiar expression back in place.
“We may have lost the game, but I won your heart.”
James shook his head fondly at the lame pick-up line, even as he raised a hand to gently pet the top of Koh’s head, like one might do to a puppy. He was undeniably cute, even with his cheeks covered in splotches of red and pink and shining from the light reflecting off the tear tracks that had been drawn on them.
“You won that so long ago.” James offered a smile, running his fingers through Koh’s hair. Since he’d already bared his heart and soul to Koh on a silver platter, he may as well share the whole truth. “By the way, I signed you up for this competition on purpose. I didn’t know how else to reach out to you. I didn't think you'd actually show up.”
Koh gasped softly, and suddenly James’ cheeks were being pinched as a delighted smile curled about Koh's lips. “You wanted to see me that badly, Jamesy? You’re so cute. My little actor.”
James smacked his hands away, but he couldn’t hide his matching smile. Koh calling him cute, of all things, really shouldn’t have had his heart soaring as much as it did.
“Don’t make me rescind the date offer. And let’s get off the floor, we look crazy.”
“I am crazy. Crazy for you.”
Koh was ridiculous.
James loved him so much.
He thought Koh’s idea of a date would be visiting a skatepark or spray painting one of the dilapidated buildings he liked to visit, typical delinquent behavior.
He was surprised when the building Koh took him to was actually a cat cafe.
James looked around in placid confusion, taking note of various cats curled up in random areas, others milling about like they owned the place.
“This isn’t your vibe at all.”
Koh snorted in amusement, leading James towards a table, as if he was very familiar with the place.
“Jamesy, you haven’t seen much of my romantic side. Besides, I know you like cats. And I like you, so now I like cats, too.”
Koh pulled out a chair and gestured for him to sit on it.
He would usually roll his eyes at such a gesture, scoff at the sweet words coming out of Koh’s mouth. But those were all defenses he’d built up over the years, his way of hiding his true feelings through actions he didn't really mean.
Koh had gone through the trouble of finding a location he thought James would like: a calm, quiet place filled with cats. James had always wanted a cat of his own, but his parents never allowed him to get one. Once he was living on his own, he worried that he was away from home too much to be a good pet owner, so he still hadn't experienced the joys of having a cat.
Koh really did know everything there was to know about him. In return, he knew Koh inside and out. So, he certainly was aware that Koh had a mild cat allergy, always sniffling and sneezing when one was near. And yet, he was willing to suffer from slight discomfort for James’ sake.
James didn’t need to sequester his feelings away anymore, so he found himself smiling as he sat down. “You chose this place for me?”
Koh appeared pleased with himself as he took his seat across from James. “Of course. I’d do anything for you.”
James ducked his head to hide the flush spreading across his face, busying himself with sipping on the drink he’d ordered. It wasn’t only Koh’s sweet words that got to him, but also the easy way he said them, like similar admissions had always been sitting on the tip of his tongue, waiting for the final push to speak them into existence.
A suitable distraction from his flustered state came in the form of a slender, reddish-brown cat that had bounded over. It stopped just before reaching their table to engage in a long stretch, which had Koh cooing as he called the kitty closer.
Obediently, the cat jumped right into Koh’s lap, seeking pets. Koh was quick to rub its head with glee, flashing that bright smile at James.
He was sure that smile alone would be enough to keep the Earth running for hundreds of years if the sun happened to disappear one day. But he would be too jealous to allow anyone else to set their filthy eyes on his Koh’s precious smile, so humanity would just have to die out and leave them as the only two left on the planet, with him living solely off of Koh’s joy.
“This cat looks just like me! Aren’t we cute?” To prove his point, Koh held the kitty up to his face. Admittedly, they did share some features. They had similarly shaped eyes and slender faces, and the cat seemed to carry the same attitude as Koh, humble while at the same time knowing its worth.
James offered an amused snort. “If you ever disappear, I’ll have to make sure you didn’t turn into one of those cats.”
Koh set the kitty back down in his lap, petting over its back. “This is an Abyssinian. They’re friendly and hate being alone. They’re silly and like to play, which earned them the title ‘clowns of the cat kingdom.’”
James raised an eyebrow at his sudden wealth of knowledge on a random cat breed. “Well, you've got the clown part down. But how do you know all that?”
“Maybe I’m a secret cat expert.”
At James’ disbelieving look, he relented. “I studied up on the cats in this cafe before coming here. Now, I can rattle off cat facts like nobody's business.”
Koh must’ve been really excited about this date, to plan it all out in advance like this. James assumed it would be a spur-of-the-moment thing, but actually, it seemed like Koh had put a lot of thought into it. Perhaps he’d been dreaming about their first date for as long as James had.
He was softened into a pool of honey from the homey atmosphere of the establishment, paired with Koh’s domestic behavior. He could almost imagine this as their future, with them being a married couple who adopted a few cats instead of children.
That honey was pouring out of him in droves, turning his tone sugary and making his smile saccharine. “That’s really sweet of you, Koh.”
Koh’s cheeks colored prettily, and he set the cat down on the ground in favor of placing his hands over his cheeks to cool them down.
“Jamesy, give a guy a warning if you’re going to smile at him like he’s the only man in the world.”
James couldn’t help but maintain his lovesick smile as his heart was warmed by Koh’s cuteness. It seemed like, ever since the dam broke and James had held Koh as he cried, there was a huge shift between them. Koh seemed so much cuter and sweeter now. James didn’t know how he hadn’t seen the full extent of his softness until now.
Considering that he was already crazily in love with Koh before, he’d only fallen even deeper with each new side of Koh that was unraveled before his very eyes.
Koh was a rosebud that had yet to blossom, surrounded by complex layers lying in wait for James’ greedy fingers to unravel them and expose the innermost parts of his psyche. James only needed the courage to reach out and grab onto those soft petals, slowly peeling them back until he got to the center, ending with a beautiful rose in full bloom. And as he peeled those layers back, he pressed loving kisses to each one of them, ensuring Koh knew how much his vulnerability and trust was appreciated.
“In my world, you are the only man. You always have been.”
Koh was still holding onto his cheeks as he looked at James through his eyelashes, hints of redness gathering at the tips of his ears. The lamplight of the cafe struck his eyes just right, transforming them into a starry night, a kaleidoscope of colors reflecting in his irises that only James could see the true depth of.
To others, Koh may seem like a straightforward person. He was protective, quick to get into a fight to save someone else, always offering a lending ear and helpful advice wherever he could. But he was so much more than a helping hand. He was filled with pools of complex emotion, and it was all spilling out of him right here, in this contained moment.
Koh's emotions were shining brightly in his eyes, hanging off his full lips, spelled out in his darling freckles. James was the only one who could decode the secret messages drawn in those beautiful constellations that kissed his cheeks.
“You are my world.”
He should’ve guessed that Koh would push past his own shyness to drag a reaction out of James, which seemed to be his singular biggest purpose in life. And he succeeded, as he always did, because James had to pick up his drink and shield his face with it, hiding away the heat that was gathering in his cheeks.
“You’re my world too, Koh.”
A gentle hand landed on top of his, guiding the drink firmly in its grasp back onto the table. Koh was staring at him with those cosmic eyes and a sweet smile, and James knew he could never again live without this. He couldn’t return to a dreary, bleak existence without Koh’s sunshine keeping him warm.
“Stop hiding, I want to see you.”
“You’re the only one who can see me like this.”
Koh’s hand retreated, and he cleared his throat, attempting to look put-together when really he was so red that James might have worried for his health, if he wasn’t sporting a matching blush across his own cheeks. This date was an eternal cycle of both of them becoming flustered at the other’s lovesick actions. And James wouldn’t change a thing.
It felt right, somehow. This brand new bashfulness was fresh out of its packaging, considering they’d known each other for years and had long-since dropped any pretenses that they may have maintained around others. But things were different now. With their inhibitions scrubbed away, they were showing off shiny new parts of themselves to each other that they hadn’t even been aware of.
“Jamesy, this one looks like you!”
Koh was holding up a fluffy grey cat now, cuddling it to his chest. “The Russian Blue is loving but enjoys alone time. It can be shy around strangers, and tends to pick one special human to cling onto.”
Koh ended his little speech with a loud sneeze, which James could tell he’d been holding in as he was speaking. The cat in his arms was startled and scrambled away from him, digging its claws into his skin as it jumped.
“Ouch!,” Koh hissed in pain, rubbing at the two small scratches that had formed on his skin. He held his arm out to James with a pout, showing off his battle scars. “That is one angry kitty.”
The cat was now hiding underneath the table, not having taken kindly to the sudden noise. James slowly lowered his hand, allowing the cat to sniff at him. Once the kitty got used to his scent, it rubbed its head against James’ hand, allowing itself to be petted softly on the head. “He’s not angry, you just aren’t his chosen human.”
Koh was still rubbing at the tiny scratches, but that didn’t stop him from flirting. “As long as I’m your chosen human, that’s all I care about.”
He sat up straight to meet Koh’s gaze. “Who else would I choose? I don’t exactly have guys lined up around the block.”
“Yeah, because I chased them all off. I’ve been scaring guys away from you since grade school.”
He scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re not scary at all. You’re a big puppy.”
Even though he said that, he knew that Koh had gotten into plenty of fights during his younger years, especially while defending James’ honor. He could be scary when he wanted to be. But James had never been frightened of him. He’d only ever felt safe and sound in Koh’s presence.
Unexpectedly, the grey kitty jumped up into James’ lap, apparently not finished receiving pets. He rubbed its head with a triumphant grin. “See? Feisty cats deserve love, too.”
“Feisty cats like you? This one scratched me, and you threw a book at me.”
He should’ve seen that one coming, seeing as Koh had already claimed this cat as the feline version of James.
“I threw one manga at you and I won’t ever hear the end of it.”
Koh’s hands flew to his nose, and he clutched it dramatically. “Ow, ow, I can still feel the pain. The only thing that will heal it is a kiss.”
“Hell no- hey, sit back down-”
But Koh was already approaching him, and he even dared to bend down in front of James, presenting his face with a self-satisfied smile.
He really was so pretty. Everything from the skin scrunching around the outer edges of his eyes from the force of his smile, to the swoop of his hair against his forehead, to the artful dots of color splashed across both cheeks, which had beautiful smile lines carved into them, to the curve of his lips. Every dip and groove of his face spelled out pure perfection and James was helpless to resist the hypnotic magnetism that was pulling him closer, until his lips were landing a delicate kiss to the tip of Koh’s nose.
The widening of Koh’s smile was worth it, as was the flush that was spread across his cheeks, which made his beautiful freckles stand out even more. Emboldened, James raised his hands, cupping both of Koh’s cheeks. The warmth of his skin almost burned James’ palms, but he wouldn’t let go for anything in the world.
Koh’s smile started to wane, until it was this small, shy little thing. Something reserved only for James to see. He leaned into James’ touch, still meeting his gaze head-on, even as his cheeks darkened even further.
“With all these constellations, you’re like my own personal solar system. I can stargaze all I want, as long as you’re by my side.” He punctuated his words with another kiss, pressed to one of Koh’s reddened cheeks this time. An appreciation for those freckles that he’d always admired from afar and secretly yearned to touch.
How many nights had he lay awake, waving his fingers through the air, tracing imaginary lines over the mental image of Koh’s freckles? And now, instead of being met with phantom freckles, his fingertips were warmed by Koh’s skin.
“Jamesy…”
Koh was out of breath from a mere touch of lips to his cheek, and his irises were already hazy with emotion. Like he’d been dreaming of this day just as much as James had, and he couldn’t believe his luck that he’d actually ended up here. Koh was the one who’d set out to woo him on this date, but it seemed like he’d been the one wooed instead.
James was filled with the urge to kiss him on the lips right there, because his dazed, lovesick expression was so cute. So he did, because nothing was holding him back anymore. The long-standing walls that had been erected around his heart with the sole purpose of keeping Koh out of it had been torn down, ever since he first saw those tears pooling in the sparkly eyes he so adored.
Koh had driven a bulldozer right through his defenses, knocking down any obstacles and landing himself firmly in the center of James’ heart, where he would remain until the end of time.
He pressed a small kiss to Koh’s lips. It was short and fleeting, but that did nothing to stop his heart from beating right out of his ribcage. Especially when Koh automatically puckered his lips to return the gesture, like he’d been hoping for a kiss all along.
James pulled away with a lovesick sigh, still cradling Koh’s precious face in his hands. “Who would’ve thought you could be all docile and domestic like this? It’s… cute.”
James had thought of Koh as cute countless times throughout his life. But he’d never said it out loud for fear of a negative reaction. In the past, he thought Koh might wrinkle his nose in disgust, scoff at his compliment, or even shove him away.
He did none of those things. Instead, he squished his cheeks against James’ hands, which caused his lips to pout adorably. Then he raised his hand to gently caress James’ hair.
“You’ve always been so pretty. I don’t know how I kept my hands to myself for so long.”
James’ breath hitched; he wasn’t used to such compliments. Judging by the soft look in Koh’s eyes, he’d better get used to it soon. Koh seemed like the type of boyfriend to drown his partner in praises, never letting them leave the room without a compliment and a kiss.
Koh would spoil him with so much attention that he’d get addicted to it, until he couldn’t go more than five minutes without touching him. He’d never feel alone again, because Koh had a permanent residence in both his heart and his mind, where he’d made himself right at home.
Koh was the perfect boyfriend.
It took him a few moments to realize he’d just referred to Koh in his head as his boyfriend. Which he decidedly wasn’t. Not yet, anyway. It was obvious that was where this was heading, but Koh had yet to ask him out formally.
He was bursting at the seams with the need to stake a solid claim on Koh, to ensure that he could never slip through James’ fingers. He needed to stubbornly grab onto Koh’s heart and never release his hold, no matter what life threw at him. He wanted Koh to feel just as owned and taken apart as he did.
Who said that Koh had to be the one to ask, anyway? A relationship takes two people, and with all of his fears stripped away, James was no longer too weak to take matters into his own hands.
He rubbed his thumbs against Koh’s pretty freckles, smiling softly at him, like he was James’ entire universe. Because he was, and he had to make sure Koh knew that. There would be no more hiding his feelings. No, he’d wear them proudly on his sleeve and show Koh off everywhere he went, as his grandest achievement.
“Koh, will you be my boyfriend?”
Koh’s eyes widened at his proposal, as well as the devastatingly soft tone they were uttered with. One second of James’ voice, laced with an impossible amount of adoration and fondness, would be enough for even a stranger to deduce how deep James’ feelings dug, all the way down to his very being. Because at his core, he’d always been a professional Koh lover. The skill came so naturally to him that he couldn’t even recall a moment when he didn’t love Koh.
Koh’s hands were shaky when he rested them on James’ cheeks, so now both of them were cradling each other’s faces. Koh swallowed around nothing, spending a few seconds gathering his wits about himself, all while smiling that pretty smile and blinking those pretty eyelashes at him.
“You stole my line.”
James snorted, utterly endeared to Koh’s every word. “Well, you didn’t ask fast enough.”
“I like that you’re so eager.” Koh caressed his cheeks with his thumbs, drawing invisible circles that James could imagine turning into whirlpools, dragging him under like a cyclone, dooming him to be swallowed up by Koh’s touches. “Of course, I’ll be your boyfriend. I love you, Jamesy.”
That was enough to have tears stinging James’ eyes, which he desperately tried to hold back. Nothing killed a romantic mood quite like bawling his eyes out. The rush of emotion he was bombarded with was simply too much, waves of intense love crashing over his entire body, until all he knew was the man in front of him.
But Koh didn’t seem to think it was a mood killer. He simply wiped away the few tears that did manage to fall, waiting patiently for James’ response.
James waited until he was sure that he wouldn’t start sobbing in the middle of the cat cafe to respond. “I love you, too.”
Koh raised an eyebrow and looked around the room, feigning confusion. “Who’s ‘you’?”
He wanted to hear his name passing from James’ lips. He was so cute.
“I love you, Koh.”
Koh shook his head, still not satisfied. Then he angled his ear towards James, listening for something specific.
That was when it hit him. Koh had revived his childhood nickname for James and now used it at every given opportunity, because it reminded them of the depth of their bond and how far they’d come.
And he wanted James to do the same.
It was embarrassing, because the nickname he’d come up with when they were children was, well, childish. But Koh was looking at him expectantly, with those big eyes and pouty lips, and he was helpless to Koh’s whims.
“I love you, Koh-Koh.”
Koh gasped in delight, pinching both of James’ cheeks. “There it is! You’re so adorable when you’re shy.”
“Shut the hell up.” He tried to complain, but Koh was already landing kisses all over his face, stealing all of the heat out of his words.
He didn’t mean it, anyway. He never wanted Koh to stop talking, for the familiar inflection of his voice and cadence of his words brought more comfort to him than Koh would ever know. Every little thing about Koh comforted him, from his natural scent to the warmth he emitted in droves, serving as a heater whenever they shared a bed at sleepovers.
He could hardly go one second without Koh. He didn’t know how he managed to survive those three weeks, two days, five hours and-
He didn’t have time to finish the thought, because Koh was kissing him again.
It didn’t matter anyway. All that mattered was that he’d never have to be without Koh again.