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Now that the fourth great ninja war was over, Sasuke Uchiha, greatest ninja of his generation, master of the Sharingan and all its secrets, had a new goal . He was the last remaining Uchiha, which meant that he had an obligation to carry on his clan, he had to continue the legacy of the Uchiha, they were after all the strongest clan of all time. Which meant he would have to lower himself to choosing a bride of lesser stock . Still he supposed he had a few options that weren’t terrible .
He made a face, he was not looking forward to what he had to do.
He let out a long brooding sigh, in the end it did not matter, he would do his duty to carry on the clan’s name. Which meant he needed to find a bride, granted he couldn’t lower himself to use a commoner to carry on his clan’s name. Whoever carried his child would have to be a strong Kunoichi, only the strongest would be worthy of becoming the bride of the last Uchiha. Meaning he had maybe three options within the entire village that fit his needs, two really as he knew one of them was already dating the idiot.
As much as it galled him to admit, his best bet was her . He supposed if he had to demean himself with a non-Uchiha she was an adequate choice, she had certainly grown since they were ‘team-mates’. Her strength and abilities put her above all other Kunoichi of Konoha, honestly she had been proven to be far more powerful than he had thought possible. She had pushed herself and proved that she was above her commoner heritage, yes Sakura would be the one to bear his child, she would be the one to be elevated and help him carry on the clan.
Now he just needed to find her, and let her know she would have the honor of being the bearer of his child. She would be ecstatic, he was already steeling himself for having to deal with her zeal , he suppressed a shiver. It was bad enough that he had to demean himself by choosing her, but to hear her ecstatic grating voice about how she ‘won’ him would truly test his willpower to its limits. Still he could suffer this indignity in the name of his clan. Besides she was strong and that was all that really mattered in the end.
After she had given birth to his children, he would leave them in her care for a while so she could raise them. He was above such petty concerns, it was a woman's work to raise a child after all. He could continue the job of monitoring Konoha and Naruto to make sure they did not fall into darkness once more. Only he, The Avenger , could watch from the shadows to make sure Konoha stayed upon the proper path. Then when the child was ready he could come back and train them in the proper way, undoing all the damage she was sure to have caused… It would probably be best to make sure they had a few kids, when they eventually awakened the Mangekyo it would be good to have extra eyes to make sure they had access to the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan.
Still he supposed he could only delay the inevitable for so long. He needed to go out and find her and let her know of the elevation in her status. He stood up and gave a subtle nod to the idiot, before leaving him to continue with the paperwork. Now that he had made his decision there was no point in putting it off. The sooner he could get the deed over with, the sooner he could go back to pretending she never existed.
It wasn’t hard to narrow down a list of places in which she could be, the first and most obvious place to check would be the hospital. She was the best medical nin in all of the elemental nations, her control was perhaps almost as good as an Uchihas! Another reason to have her as his wife, if she could pass on that level of control to his children? He needed that for his clan, sure her reserves had started at a pathetic level but she had proved that could be fixed with intense training.
It didn’t take him long to make his way to the hospital, entering it he made sure to project an air of uncaring badassness and disdain for the lessers as he entered. He was above these people, he was sure he was making their day better by just being within his presence. He was the great and mighty Uchiha and he was lowering himself by simply being in their presence, they should be thankful. He walked up to Sakura’s secretary, his face as impassive and blank as always.
“Where is Haruno?” He asked the woman at the desk, as always he didn’t even bother trying to remember her name. He knew she had worked for Sakura for years, but remembering her name was beneath him.
“Uh, she is not available righ…” He gave her a glare, the woman shifted a bit before looking around nervously. It was always the same thing with her, she would try to stonewall him, try to explain that Sakura was too busy to see him. As if anyone could be too busy when the clan head of the Uchiha came to visit. “She… She is…”
“Sasuke, stop terrorizing my secretary.” Sakura’s voice came from behind him, he turned and gave a suave smile to the woman who was destined to bear his children. She simply rolled her eyes, and then turned back to her secretary as if she was more important than him. “I will take care of this, Kay. Why don’t you go ahead and pack up for the day. I know you’re super excited for that date you got tonight and I will be done after this anyways.”
Sasuke resisted the temptation to roll his eyes, the way she interacted with others was… He hesitated, actually it would be good for her as the female lead of the clan to have such an approachable attitude, yes perhaps this was actually quite fortuitous. There were many responsibilities that went into taking care of a clan, and the idea of having to take care of politics and alliances gave him hives. Unlike the idiot who seemed to be thriving somehow .
“I… If you are sure Miss Haruno.”
“I am sure, and Kay please just call me Sakura.” She gave the underling a smile before turning back and motioning him to follow.
He followed Sakura into her office, and he closed the door behind them.
“What do you want, Sasuke?” She asked not even bothering to turn around to face him as she began putting paperwork away. He frowned, this was unacceptable, he would need to teach her proper respect. Sure her job was important but her entire focus should be on him.
Oh well he had time to properly train her.
“I have come to tell you the good news.”
“Sasuke I just worked a 12 hour day because we had an emergency last night and I spent most of it up to my elbows in guts, shit and many different fluids as I tried to keep people alive. I don’t mean to be rude but I am exhausted right now, so could you please get to the point ?”
He felt himself bristle, how dare his future wife disrespect him like this! Still he supposed he could forgive her today was the day he delivered the good news so he would turn her life around.
“Your attitude is unappreciated, but I suppose since you have had a long day I can forgive you. With that being said you should make sure to treat me with more respect in the future, especially since I have chosen you.
Sakura for a moment just stood there before slowly turning around and staring at him as if he had spoken gibberish. Well that was rude .
“What?”
He scoffed, she was so slow, guess he would have to spell it out for her. This was the problem with those from lesser breeding stock. “Well since you have shown interest in me previously, yes? You will be relieved to know that I have picked you to be my wife.” Sasuke took a moment to let her vent out any excited screaming if she needed to. Since he was met with silence he continued, she seemed not to get it yet. It appeared he had to spell it out even more. “So congratulations.” Sasuke waited another few seconds of silence before continuing. “You will help continue the Uchiha clan.”
She stared at him for a moment, and he began preparing himself for her response. He expected many things, her strong exclamation of joy, her throwing herself at him and attempting to conceive a child right now in her office, her checking to see if this was a Genjutsu before happily accepting and showering with praise he admittedly deserved.
What he was not prepared for was her bursting out laughing.
“Bwahahahaha hahahaa Oh… HAHAHAHAHA… OH MY KAMI YOU’RE SERIOUS? HAHAHAHAHAHA. This is gold.”
He blinked in shock, “I am quite serious, yes, I need to carry on my clan’s name and in spite of your birth you proved to be the best Kunoichi of Konoha. That means you are suitable to be my bride and carry my children.”
His words seemed to shock her, as she stopped laughing and looked at him as if he had lost his mind. Apparently he would need to correct her behavior; he only expected this level of rudeness from the idiot. Everyone else should know how great he was and simply bow to his desires. Except the idiot, but he got the privilege from his strength. Also he was an idiot, he couldn't be expected to follow procedure.
“No.”
He blinked in disbelief, clearly he had misunderstood her.
“What?”
“Not for all the money in the Elemental nations. Sasuke, I say this in the nicest way possible, but even if you were the last hope for humanity I would not marry you nor bear your children.” She shook her head and shivered in disgust.
Sasuke felt himself blink in disbelief, this couldn’t be happening… He frowned, there was no way this was real.
Wait, everything suddenly made sense, of course this wasn't real.
He brought his hands up in a gesture and flooded his chakra. “KAI!” He tried to dispel the Genjutsu that was certainly covering the area.
“... Wow, did you really just?” Sakura sighed and then took a deep breath. “Sasuke, look clearly I was a bit rude with how I reacted but you caught me off guard and honestly this is really awkward. However, let me try this again, without laughing. Thanks for the consideration but, no, I am not interested in you.”
For a moment silence stretched between the two of them. Sasuke felt dumbstruck, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go!
“What do you mean no ?!” No one denied the great Uchiha! “You were always throwing yourself at me, so that means you should be jumping at the chance to have me. I will not let you say no !” He bristled, he would not be made a fool of! “You will be the one to bear my children.”
“Sasuke, you are aware that consent is a thing right?” Sakura asked, looking at him as if he was nothing more than scum on the bottom of her shoe.
“Of course I am, I am consenting to you being my wife and bearing my children.” He countered.
Sakura made a gagging noise that he didn’t appreciate at all .
“Sasuke I can’t marry you, and I refuse to have your kids.” Sakura said, shaking her head.
“You can’t…”
“Sasuke, I am already married.” Sakura snapped, and for a while silence reigned over the two of them.
“Oh is that all? That is easily fixed, we can have the Idiot simply annul your marriage…” Killing Intent flooded the room and for a moment Sasuke swore he felt the cold hand of death grab him by the neck. Sakura was glaring at him as she reached up and slowly cracked her knuckles.
“I am happily married, and I love my wife. I have no interest in ending my marriage, and continuing the Uchiha line, or your prissy ass .”
“Wife?” He asked, blinking in shock ah he saw the problem now. Jugo had told him about them. “Oh, I can fix you, you just have never experienced a real man is clearly the problem.” This obviously made sense of course.
“Listen here you self entitled little shit,” The visceral anger in her voice caused him to stagger back slightly. “I am only going to say this once , I do not want to marry you and will not bear your fucking children. Now get the hell out of my office before I repeatedly punt you into the Hokage monument.” She growled.
“I…”
“OUT!"
This was too important to delay, he could not be talked down to like this by his future wife! It was his sacred duty to revive the Uchiha clan, he opened his mouth.
“Sa…”
The next thing he knew his head was spinning and he was embedded within the stone monument. He groaned and was fairly certain that both his nose and several ribs were broken.
Perhaps a tactical retreat was the best option for now, actually now that he thought about it she was far too independent and bullheaded to be his future wife. He had been foolish to think she was anything other than a brute and she was clearly a dyke. Still looks like he would have to settle for second best Kunoichi of Konoha… or well technically the third, but he wasn’t stupid enough to try and snag Hinata from the idiot.
It wasn’t what a friend would do, and as it had been repeatedly established during his life, he was friends with the idiot. If only he had been born a woman , their bloodline would have been the jewel of Konoha. And having a Hokage for a wife would have been worthy of him. It was too bad.
Still that meant he would have to settle for the next best Kunoichi, at least this one was of better breeding stock, she came from a clan and would be clearly honored to be brought into a superior clan.
Now he just needed to head towards the Yamanaka flower shop, he was sure he could find Ino there and tell her the good news… or well he needed a moment to clear his head. A quick medical jutsu later and he was on his way, while he may not have the skill of Sakura but he was an Uchiha and no Jutsu was outside of his reach, and he was on his way.
Still it was time to find his new wife, even if she was his third choice. The inner Naruto inside of him told him that he might not want to tell her that.
Yamanaka was predictably very easy to find as sure enough she was in her family’s shop. Or well, was it her shop now? After all her father had passed away, well either way they could use the income to fund the rebuilding of the Uchiha clan, renaming it to represent her new status would also be a good idea.
He took a moment to make sure that he looked acceptable before entering the flower shop. Right, he could do this, the slight hiccup earlier was clearly not his fault. He had forgotten how unreasonable and awful Sakura could be, yes this would go much better.
“Welcome… Oh, hello Sasuke, how can I help you today?” Ino asked, she continued to look at him oddly for a moment, “did something happen to your nose? It looks kinda crooked?”
He bristled, “you are mistaken, it is how it has always looked .”
“Uh… ok? Um right, how can I help you?” He bristled slightly while annoyed that she had noticed his nose might be slightly crooked. At least her noticing meant she had a keen eye for detail which was useful.
“Yes, right I am here to let you know that after much consideration I have chosen you.” He explained bracing himself for her annoying high pitch squeal of delight.
“What?” He blinked, he was having a strange sense of deja vu. Still he supposed he would have to spell it out for her, she was from a lesser clan after all she clearly just didn’t understand.
“I do not understand what is confusing, I have chosen you.” He said slowly, when she did not immediately respond he let out an annoyed tsk. “You should be honored to know that it is you who will become my wife. You will help continue the Uchiha clan.” He braced himself for the squeal of delight once more.
Instead what he got was a visceral gag, he felt himself frown in confusion this was not how this was supposed to go. “Sorry, just hell no. I threw up in my mouth even thinking about that.” She shivered before looking him over, “so hard pass, good luck with that though.”
“I don’t understand you spent all of our youth chasing me, fighting Sakura for the right to date me. You should be on your knees weeping in relief that I have chosen you.” His voice was tinted with both anger and frustration, he did not understand why this was happening again. It made no sense! What was wrong with the world today?
“Wait… did you…” Ino gave him a look that if he didn’t know any better meant she was pitying him, that couldn’t be though no one pitied an Uchiha they were simply superior. “Look, I guess I have to spell this out for you but I used my ‘crush’ on you as a beard.”
He blinked, his anger was quickly replaced by confusion. “I am sorry, what does facial hair have to do with anything?”
Ino snorted and then sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “It is a slang term, that basically means I was pretending to have a crush on you so people wouldn’t realize I am a lesbian, Sasuke. I have less than zero interest in men.”
Wait… what?
No Ino couldn’t be gay she wasn’t a dyke like Sakura, she was more feminine and didn't have anger issues. It didn't make sense!
“I refuse to believe this!” He said, crossing his arms, there was no way!
“What?”
“You will be my wife, I won't be denied again!”
“... Again?” Ino blinked, looking confused for all of half a second before her face turned to anger. However, before he could say anything, there was the sound of knuckles cracking from behind him, and if he was a lesser ninja he knew that he would be feeling fear. But he was an Uchiha; he had nothing to fear but other Uchiha.
“Sasuke, did you just try to steal my wife?”
OH… shit.
He turned around and sure enough Sakura was behind him, having changed her outfit and looking down right murderous.
No he couldn’t lose, he knew the laws; he could overcome this. Besides clearly they just needed a night with him and he would fix this pesky lesbian thing.
“Actually you can’t be married to her, according to clan laws she needs to carry on her clan. Which means she can’t marry a dyke like you, I, a real man will show her the error of…”
“CHOKE ON A DICK AND DIE!”
For the second time today his nose was broken, his ribs were cracked, and he found himself buried in the stone monument. The problem was it had not been Sakura who punched him in the face, that meant… Huh, he guessed Sakura had been teaching Ino things.
He tried to stand up but he wobbled a bit as his vision swam. Because of his concussion, probably… Maybe, then again he was an Uchiha: he was above such petty things as a concussion.
As he extracted himself from the mountain he noticed that he had been punched into the Idiot’s pretty face… You know, it was too bad that he wasn’t a girl. It would be much easier to have kids with someone he respected.
Wait, the idiot could transform into a girl, and his transformations were, as impossible as it seemed, actual physical things , he remembered the time that he had thrown him as a Fuma Shuriken. That had not been a henge, he had actually transformed into the weapon, that meant he could transform into a woman and bear his children. Best of all he actually respected the idiot, he was the only one who could stand up against the might of the Uchiha and not instantly fold.
This was his best idea to date! While Naruto’s wench bore the idiot’s bloodline, he could bear Sasuke’s bloodline! Then he wouldn’t have to bring in some unworthy wench into the Uchiha clan! Another classic Uchiha stroke of genius, besides the Idiot, was very powerful and thus their offspring would become the greatest of the ninja world!
Yes, he was being foolish thinking that he should have gone for the obvious dykes. He should have gone for the person who always chased him even with others who had given up. He was going to find the idiot and tell him the good news! He took a step and stumbled, well he would tell the idiot later once his head stopped spinning.
Several hours later, when he could stand without a splitting headache, it was time to find… well not a wife, he would never marry the idiot, but he would find the person who would bear his children. The idiot would probably be overjoyed, and best of all he knew exactly where to find him. He made his way over to the idiot's house. He and the Hyuga had moved in together after the war.
Sasuke decided that since it was so late he would just go through the window directly into the Idiot’s bedroom. He moved towards the bed silently, it would be best not to distress the new mother of his children. Father? Parental unit? He approached the parental unit and before he could reach out and place a hand upon the idiot’s shoulder he found himself roughly shoved against the wall with a kunai at his throat.
See this is why he respected the idiot so much, even when he awakened from a dead sleep he was a deadly ninja. Sasuke just had one real question.
“Idiot, why are you a girl right now? Actually never mind this is perfect. I have come to you with my greatest idea yet.”
“Sasuke?” The blond asked, blinking in confusion, “wh.. What are you doing in my house?”
“I am here, idiot, because you are going to bear my children.”
For a long while nothing was said and silence reigned supreme. “Man this has to be the weirdest dream I have ever had.” Naruto said, rubbing at his eyes and blinking in disbelief.
Sasuke opened his mouth to retort but before he could say anything Naruto glared at him with such a look that his mouth snapped shut.
“You want to know why I know this is a dream?” Sasuke did not risk speaking and instead merely nodded. “Because if this wasn’t a dream I would have to rip off your balls and feed them to you through a plastic straw because your jaw would be broken.” Naruto said with a cheery smile, Sasuke felt his eyes widen and sweat begin to pour down his back.
“Listen here, dream Sasuke , just because I am a woman does not mean I want to bear your fucking children . I am gay as a pink fudge, a very, very gay fudge. I am actually not sure how you even found out I was a woman as I haven’t come out yet and you are denser than most metals, and as dumb as a sack of bricks. Which is offensive to bricks. So, like, that is another tick in this is a dream column.” Naruto let out a long drawn out yawn. “Right,” the idiot sighed, “Dream Sasuke, the only one who is going to put babies into me is Hinata.”
“She can’t do that, she's a woman idiot.” He scoffed, which proved to be a mistake as the kunai at his neck dug in a tad deeper and he felt a drop of blood drip down his neck.
“And? I made the sexy jutsu as a kid, you don’t think I couldn’t do the reverse? Also Sakura is the best medical ninja, possibly of all time . I know she is working on something that will let her and Ino have kids and she would gladly share. Especially after I repealed that sexist ass law that gay people couldn’t marry because of clan bloodlines and bullshit. So yeah, no, the only person who is going to knock me up is Hinata… and maybe Sakura… and maybe Ino. That depends on them though, Hinata has been dropping hints of us being a polycule."
Sasuke felt himself pale, was… was being a dyke contagious? Would he be next? The last great and mighty Uchiha, reduced to being a woman. He shuddered, the very idea was revolting.
“Now here is what is going to happen, dream Sasuke. You are never, ever, even going to think about bringing up wanting me to bear your children again and I wont castrate you with a rusty spork, ok?” The idiot gave a smile that chilled Sasuke to his very marrow.
Before he could respond the door to the room opened and in walked the Hyuga.
“Sweetie, shouldn’t you be in… Bed?”
“I mean I am? I am just sleeping so aren’t I in bed, dream Hinata?”
“No my dear heart you are awake.”
“Then…” Naruto turned to face him and her gaze was one of pure rage. Her fox-like features were amplified and a familiar demonic chakra enveloped her.
Oh…
OH NO.
“RASENGAN!”
For the third time today Sasuke found himself launched into the Hokage monument.
Today had not been a good day.
Time for a strategic retreat. Also maybe asking Karin help with the concussion. She was an Uzumaki, there’s potential here… Wait what’s that light coming this- Oh shit oh shit oh shit running away tim-
OMAKE - How the scene with ino almost went -
Ino: I have less than zero interest in men
Sasuke: That's impossible
Ino : I ga-
Sasuke: there nothing less than zero
Ino: what? Yes there is. Negative numbers dude
-a few minutes later-
Sakura: Sasuke are you harassing my W-
Sasuke: Sakura! Help! Ino has gone crazy she's saying there are thing less than zero, and now she's got ng about negative numbers! She must have a concussion or be under kaguya's confusing and evil thrall!
Sakura: Sasuke did you not do your math homework?