Work Text:
#1
It was a sunny day, weeks after the New York battle.
Yelena still needed to let those events sink in, but before she could finish the process, she heard a scream, and it was too familiar to ignore.
"Bob, are you okay?" Her russian accent was thickened by the sudden crisis Bob was having. He was having this weird meltdown where his hands were pulling his hair from the roots, making the skin become red as the blood was flushing everywhere in his body, and she reached for his back to try and calm him down, but the shrinking and trembling only seemed to get worse, like her touch was toxic and he had to run away from it.
Everyone in the room tried to grab him to make him feel alright, but apparently only John Walker knew what to do, so he let him go hide in one of the rooms in the (Old) New Avengers Tower.
They had just got it from Valentina. She claimed it for Bob only at first, but eventually realized if she wanted a team, they would actually have to be a team, otherwise everything would go to shit. Bob was reluctant because he had no idea what was happening, and even when they tried to explain it, he would just laugh and say "Nice one, guys. But seriously, what happened?". He only believed when they showed him the almost infinite videos on YouTube about his Void form.
Yelena went after Bob to the room, to try and talk to him, and when she finally arrived, he was sitting in a dark corner of the room, hands holding his knees.
"Are you going to be okay?" She asks reluctantly, scared to push any wrong button.
"Yeah, I... I remembered somethings... like the people in the helicopter I just destroyed back in New York" He tried to brush it off, but she wasn't buying it.
"Bob, you can not control it, it is not your fault"
"Yeah, I know... sorry"
"It is okay"
"Thank you for... holding my hand, that helped"
"You are welcome... and I mean it"
...
"You okay?" Bucky asked quietly, looking at her deeply.
"Yes. Bob's the one who freaked, so" Yelena brushed it off.
"Yeah..."
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#2
The second time was a little bit more predictable.
She could see his breath get stuck, his nose scrunched just a little bit, shoulders getting tense and the grey shirt definitely changed its shape to become tight on the chest. So she put her hand on his back, close to the neck, hoping that would calm him down and remind him she was there if he needed her.
Bob’s breath was heavy and his eyes were dark and stuck looking at the ground as his legs felt weak and he ended up kneeling on the carpet of his room.
Yelena eventually kneeled and hugged him, while singing a slow and calm lullababy she learned somehow throughout her dark childhood in the Red Room.
They stayed there for a while, until Bob’s right hand laid on hers and he finally looked up to meet her gaze. She used her other hand to tuck his hair behind the ear.
“Are you okay now?” Yelena asked slowly, hands still in his face.
He just smiled and they let go of each other.
Bob went to his bed and asked her to turn off the lights on her way out and so she did.
…
“I heard Bob fall, did something happen?” Bucky looked worried as he was coming from the hallway to Bob’s room.
“Yes… He had another… uh… Episode” It was hard to describe what exactly was going on with him. It could be his powers, could be anxiety, PTSD, and there’s no doctor who specializes in Heroes Mental Health, although after what Tony Stark went through, you would think there should be.
“Is he okay now?”
“Yes! He’s… asleep” Yelena breathed heavily, making Bucky turn a concerned look to her.
“Are you… okay?” Slowly he touched her shoulders.
“I am. Totally.” She dryly answered, shaking his hands off her.
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#3
For the third time, Bob broke all the glasses in the New Avengers Tower Bar.
Ghost, Alexei, John and Bucky looked at him while Bob fell from the balcony, grabbing Yelena's arm for balance. She also reached him before he hurt himself.
Yelena had slightly felt a cold metal touch her right elbow before she moved both arms to grab Bob's hand while he was shakly looking at the roof, eyes red and a scared look on his face.
"BOB, LISTEN TO ME" She screamed. "YOU ARE OKAY!"
Bob looked at her, eyes wide and mouth open breathing heavily, while she helped him to get into a sitting position.
"I'm okay, I'm okay" He repeated, holding her arms tightly, nails almost piercing her skin.
Then Alexei grabbed him and took Bob into the medical floor they had in the New Avengers Tower, so he could give Bob the anxiety meds the weird doctors had told him to take.
Yelena stared as they walked away, leaving out a heavy sigh. Moments after started to feel the little sting his nail did in her arm when he fell down the first time.
"Hey, I think you're bleeding" Bucky softly claimed while touching her right elbow, looking at the ever so tiny blood drop coming out.
"I am okay" Yelena claimed, pulling away from his touch and leaving the bar.
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#4
By the fourth time, Yelena had already accepted it.
She was Bob's anchor to reality and he really needed it, so when she came back from the grocery store and he was almost laying down by the door with Ghost holding him and he dragged himself to grab Yelena's ankles she knew she had been chosen to deal with his demons. And obviously everybody needed an escape out of their dark side. Yelena wasn't judging.
Besides she was glad to be the bright light to someone's life after being the reaper to so many for so long. So she threw the grocery paper bags out to the floor and hugged Bob's shaking body until he remembered who he was and what was his purpose in life.
After they were done, Ghost and Yelena silently faced Bucky as he walked through the front door, coldly staring at the 3 of them.
"What happened?" Bucky asked, slowly kneeling by Yelena's right side.
"Another episode" Ava responded, still looking at Bob, who was crying on Yelena's shoulder.
"At this point, this just doesn't look like anxiety at all, I think his powers are somehow trying to gain control over him" Ava theorized.
And now the three of them were looking at each other silently.
"I think you're right" Bob moved his head to face them, still sobbing. "I feel like The Void is trying to come back for me, I remember it now"
"So what do we do?" Yelena asked.
"I don't know, but what I do know is that I won't let him." Bob was firm on his words, and apparently he was all okay again, because he rose from the ground and walked away to his room, three pairs of eyes following his steps.
"I hope he's going to be ok" Ava said, also rising from the floor, brushing the dust off and walking to the kitchen.
"Me too" Yelena was also going to the kitchen, so she started to grab the grocery bags on the floor while Bucky helped her with it.
They were organizing things in the kitchen, trying to make some small talk, but Yelena was missing something. She could swear when she got up from the floor at the entrance of the apartment, a feeling of something missing on her back lingered on her thoughts, it was almost as if a cold, metal and gentle hand was laying there while Bob cried on her shoulder, almost as if someone was trying to comfort her while she comforted someone too, like some kind of cringe massage group. But that was weird right? She didn't even need comforting, there was no void trying to come out and control her, there was no fear dominating her, making her legs shake and her eyes get wet.
Right?
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+1
Everyone went out when night came, talking about getting drinks and celebrating the last day, because they went to Washington DC and finally had their name officialized. They were finally recognized by the government as the New Avengers. So of course they were happy, but not all of them wanted to celebrate the same way.
Yelena just wanted to stay home and finally process this whole thing. Besides, she already had her own drinking issues to deal with.
As everyone left the building, leaving it feeling empty and silent, Yelena took a deep breath while looking through the windows of the New Avengers Tower. Her chest felt heavy for some reason, even though joy was the main emotion. Or at least it should be.
She went to her room to lay down a little bit, maybe she was just feeling tired of doing press and interviews all day. The place was light grey, and a small ray of the moonlight was peeking through the curtains. The carpet and the walls were all the same colors, whilst for the forniture it was all some shade of white, almost like a bone-colored white, but don't ask her how she knows that.
The bed was made, a little bad habit she still had from the Red Room, and only one single pillow layed on top of it. As she sat on the soft mattress bought with the government's money, she felt heavy and weary. It was like being light-headed while 100 pounds were pressing you to the ground. It was like feeling relieved because it's over, even though the process was horrible and you lost everything you ever loved, and now it is all gone.
She spent years feeling lost, alone... Alexei wasn't there when she needed him the most, and Natasha was gone, and couldn't even be blamed for it, because had she not made The Great Sacrifice, Yelena wouldn't be here.
She likes to think her sister thought of her when falling down that mortal cliff. She thought about that little girl who looked up to her and was relieved to know she would be safe and sound, even though Yelena wasn't.
Not until now.
Now she's happy, safe, and she's a hero. A New Avenger, huh? Natasha was an Avenger too, so it's like following her steps. How beautiful, uh?
And that's when it hits her. After those happy thoughts, that thing comes rushing back to her like a wildfire burning through dry weeds. Like a waterfall so violent it could crash you to stay below it.
Reality. Truth.
She was not a hero, no. Barely months ago she was killing scientists for doing their jobs, and those people she saved back in the battle of New York didn't make up for a quarter of the souls she reaped throughout the years.
She lived for blood for so long, and no amount of savings would wash away the red stinking stains on her entire body. Nothing ever would.
The pain of knowing she is unforgivable stalks her, hides in the shadows of her past, but it's always looking, staring from the horizon, where nobody else can see, but her. It comes at night like a thieve, sneaks silently in her house, and crawls her sleeping body like a swarm of disgusting insects, and she can feel their tiny paws stinging her, and it hurts, and it scratches, so much that the only thing she can do is drag her nails through her body and push them out, skin and all. So she does, it hurts, and it's painful, so she screams to get it away from her, to turn it off, to stop, because her nails are sharp and cut through her like a knife, but she can't—
"YELENA!" Bucky is shaking her, hands on her shoulders, just like when he comforts her for nothing. "YELENA!"
Now she's awake from her pain, but nothing comes out of her mouth, so they stare at each other while Bucky eases up his tense shoulders.
And while she's looking at his eyes she realizes that one thing about him she never thought about.
He had light-colored eyes just like her sister’s.
His eyes carry pain, just like her sister's.
Does his eyes also see through her just like her sister's?
Is that why all this time, he's been silently comforting her, even though she herself hadn't realized her own suffering?
And Bucky is still there. Sitting on the side of her bed, metal hand holding hers. It is cold, soulless, but for some reason, it comforts her. Makes her feel seen. Cared.
So while staring at him and his eyes, she cries.
And she cries everything out. All the pain she felt, all the guilt for who she killed. The guilt of fooling people into thinking she could actually be a superhero, a saviour. The guilt of being nothing but a weapon to the evil hands of ambitious men, and now, woman . The guilt of being Val's tool. The guilt of never actually earning the title 'Avenger', but rather fooling everyone about it.
Bucky hugs her tightly, baffling her screams in his shoulder while giving soft pats in her back to ease her. To comfort her.
And he holds her until she cries it all out, until she falls asleep, and when he tries to let her go, her hands pull him closer and she asks him to stay with her until she can sleep and he does.
He lays by her side in her sad-white colored-bed, one arm as a pillow for her neck, hands carefully traveling her hair as his lips rest in her forehead.
She hugs his metal arm while dreaming.
And at that moment…
They knew.