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#1
Bob was having some sort of anxiety crisis. His hands were picking his hair, trying to pull it out, and all of it felt too familiar to Bucky. The kneeling, the screaming, and the look of hopelessness. He knew what it felt like, but even after all these years, after all this pain, he still didn’t know what to do.
Bucky tried to grab him, hold his hand to help out, but none of it seemed to work out. Bob ended up running to his room after John Walker let him, and Bucky actually felt relieved to see him go. Like this wasn’t his problem anymore.
Kinda cold, uh?
I guess they had a reason to call him the winter soldier.
And even years after that, he still can’t let go completely of that cruel, cold and mean persona. Although now, years later and many experiences, good and bad, he felt as if there was something that could actually melt the ice in his heart, just like Steve and Sam did.
She was a combo out of the four of them. She was blonde and had a heart of gold, like Steve. Got the strength and will of Natasha, the leadership of Sam and… deep rooted trauma like him.
And while he watched her walk away from the living room to go after Bob, for the first time in his life he saw himself.
Her face was blank, but as weird as it might sound, he could actually feel her heart. The heaviness of it. And it broke his.
She was trying to be for Bob what no one has been for her. An anchor. A shield from the horrors of reality. The filtered lens that showed you only the bright and colorful side of life. And Bob needed that, but so did Yelena.
So if she was going to be that for Bob, then Bucky was going to be that for her.
…
Later that day, when Bob fell asleep and everyone was quietly doing their own things, Bucky slowly walked to the living room, where Yelena was sitting on the couch, watching the sunset through the wide windows of the New Avengers Tower.
Bucky sat down next to her and pondered about what to say.
"You okay?" Bucky asked quietly, looking at her deeply, elbows on knees.
"Yes. Bob's the one who freaked, so." Yelena brushed it off, not looking at him. Same expression from earlier the day.
"Yeah..." Bucky knew this was not going to be easy.
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#2
Bucky was reading a book Mel had recommended him. It was some type of Time Travel romance about characters that were in World War II. “ Mel’s so subtle, huh? ”. That’s when he heard a crashing sound coming from Bob’s room. His heart skipped a beat, and he got up as fast as the blink of an eye.
He could’ve at least put some shoes on, but he was too scared about what happened to even think about almost slipping on the slick floor of the living room.
When he got there, before appearing at the door, Yelena’s voice was audible enough for him to recognize what she was doing.
She was calming Bob down by singing a russian lullaby. And sadly enough, Bucky knew that one. He had heard some mothers singing those to their children before The Winter Soldier came for them, leaving nothing but cold bodies to be buried and griefed.
Gosh, where did Yelena learn that song? Was it sung to her by a dying mother? Or was she the monster in the closet?
Either answers were heartbreaking to think about, and honestly, if Bucky was in her place, he would’ve buried that song deep down together with everything else those horrible times taught him. But no, Yelena didn’t do as he would. She kept that memory, and she was using it for a good thing in the end.
Guess she’s better than me at that . Bucky thought while listening to her, reluctant about going in or not. Scared to ruin it.
So he waited, and when Yelena was coming out the door, he pretended as if he had just come in.
“I heard Bob fall, did something happen?” Bucky looked worried while pretending that he was coming from the hallway to Bob’s room.
“Yes… He had another… uh… Episode” Yelena didn’t have a good look on her face, and apparently it was so bad she wasn’t even trying to hide it. But Bucky was scared to ask directly, so he scanned her while thinking about what to say.
“Is he okay now?” Was the only thing he could come up with.
“Yes! He’s… asleep” Yelena breathed heavily, making Bucky turn a concerned look to her. Maybe the memories of the lullaby she sang were coming back now? His heart ached to think she might have been the monster in the closet.
“Are you… okay?” Slowly he touched her shoulders, trying to comfort her, even though she clearly wanted to hide the pain.
“I am. Totally.” She dryly answered, leaving a concerned Bucky behind.
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#3
When Bob grabbed Yelena's arm for steadiness, Bucky looked at the ground and realized she might fall on the broken glass pieces that were laying around in the floor, so he tried to push her gently aside or pull her back so she wouldn’t fall. But Yelena fought his touch and let go of her elbow to hold Bob’s hands.
He watched, a little concerned for the both of them. Bob was obviously not okay, but in Bucky’s mind that didn’t make an excuse to not care for Yelena’s safety as well. None of them should fall in a ground full of glass, of course, but Bob was bulletproof after all, Yelena wasn’t. Glass wouldn’t hurt him, but it sure as hell could hurt her, even if for a little bit.
Yelena was screaming to Bob, telling him he’s okay, and they shared a very personal look, and just like that Bob’s breathing started to slow down and became steady, and the expression he had was a grateful one.
Good to know Yelena’s having a good impact on him. I couldn’t. Bucky thought while watching Alexei rush to carry Bob to the Farmacy Floor. Probably going to give him those awful-looking medications those weird doctors told him to take.
Bucky’s attention was back to Yelena, and while scanning her up and down he saw a drop of blood coming out of her arm, meaning some glass might have caught onto her. So he rushed to her side to inspect the wound.
"Hey, I think you're bleeding" Bucky touched her gently, pushing the skin just a little bit to see if any glass could be removed for her relief. And for a moment, she hesitated but eventually looked at him.
"I am okay" Yelena claimed, pulling away from his touch and leaving the bar.
She might be physically, but this running away from the same question, with small white lies just told him the contrary.
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#4
Bucky was coming back from another reunion with Val’s team about making the brand New Avengers official.
It was all too tiring for him, really. Besides, why was he the leader anyway? Yelena clearly knew the whole team better, and actually wanted to be in charge, so it really made no sense why Val was choosing him. But when he talked to Yelena about it, she was very clear with the sentence Valentina does not like me. So Bucky decided to just pretend to be the leader, but any order from Yelena he would follow, so this could actually work, although he was having none of it.
By the time he arrived at the Social Floor, the floor where they all shared rooms, a kitchen and living rooms, he was too tired to pretend to not be his cold persona. So when Bucky saw Bob on the floor, crying on Yelena’s shoulder, while Ghost gave him small pats on the back to calm him down, the only possible thing for him to do was ask.
"What happened?" He slowly kneeled by Yelena's right side, already knowing how she was feeling, even though they never actually talked about it.
"Another episode" Ava responded, still looking at Bob, while he cried on Yelena’s shoulder. "At this point, this just doesn't look like anxiety at all, I think his powers are somehow trying to gain control over him"
And now the three of them were staring at each other silently.
"I think you're right" Bob moved his head to face them, still sobbing. "I feel like The Void is trying to come back for me, I remember it now"
"So what do we do?" Yelena asked, and Bucky could feel the fear in her voice, so he slid his Vibranium hand to brush her back a little. She always did that for Bob, so it’s probably how she perceives comfort touch and she didn’t move away, so it was probably working.
"I don't know, but what I do know is that I won't let him." Bob was firm on his words, and apparently he was all okay again, because he stood up and walked away to his room, their three pairs of eyes following his steps.
"I hope he's going to be ok." Ava said, also rising from the floor and walking to the kitchen.
"Me too" Yelena was also going to the kitchen, so she moved away to start grabbing the grocery bags on the floor and Bucky was all too fast on his reflexes, also moving away to help her.
And later, when they were talking in the Kitchen and organizing everything, he could notice Yelena glimpse at him, a strange look on her face.
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+1
Everyone went out when night came, talking about getting drinks and celebrating the last day, because they went to Washington DC and finally had their name officialized. Finally recognized by the government as the New Avengers, of course they were happy, but not all of them wanted to celebrate the same way.
Bucky just wanted to sleep, really. He was one of the most interviewed out of them. Probably because he had been an Avenger himself before, so the interviewers were curious to know what was different this time. But it was all too tiring and boring, just like when he became a congressman, they just didn’t understand the depths of his choices.
So he stayed in his room while the rest of the team planned their going out.
His place was pale-grey, carpet matching curtains, whilst the bed was some kind of sad-white color, and even though it was comfortable, it still felt lifeless. If his time in the World War II army taught him anything, it was that grey and white didn’t actually go well together. And for a slight moment he wished it was all green and beige again. And that Steve was there to guide him, to celebrate him. But this wasn’t 1945 and they were not just soldiers in a war. He was now a founder member of the New Avengers, and possible leader. He had responsibilities he actually never had before, and commanding those idiots was definitely the biggest mission of all.
Then he looked back at everything that happened… He wasn’t really the leader of the New Avengers team… He was just a tool for Val. Just another pawn in a chess game that had been going longer than he’s been alive, and even with his death, it would still be going on.
Of course, right? Bucky was no hero. He was responsible for hundreds, maybe thousands, of deaths over the years. He killed Tony Stark’s parents for God’s sake!
Bucky might have not been in control all the time, but it was his hands that did the dirty work. The hands he looked at everyday, and even when changing the vibranium, he could still see all those blood stains in it. The screams were all too loud to not be heard, and when they begged for mercy, crying their eyes out, holding him tightly as their lives were reaped, Bucky knew there was no salvation for him. Even if Hydra was making The Winter Soldier do all of this, it was his hands reaping those souls. Taking away hope, dreams… Destroying Families.
Sometimes the pain could be too much to bear, and when that happens, he just stares blankly at the roof, metal arm twitching as much as his human fingers. Mouth going dry and teeth clenching. Breath got stuck somehow along the way, while his chest felt hard as rock, and the serum bettered lungs still skipped some beats along with the supersoldier heart. But when he got up to grab his chest and open his mouth to breathe he heard a scream of pain coming from Yelena’s room.
Less than a second later he was already in her room, rushing to wake her up from that nightmare. She was forcibly closing her eyes, her nails dragging through the skin, leaving red, almost purple, marks down the body. Bucky tried to push them away, so she would stop hurting herself while unconscious, but it was helpless, her arms were too strong to be stopped, so he gave up trying to shake her awake and screamed his lungs out.
"YELENA!" Bucky is shaking her, hands on her shoulders. "YELENA!"
And just like that, she was awake, looking at him with dark eyes, wide and full of pain. He was there, sitting on the side of her bed, metal hand holding hers, trying to make her feel seen and cared for.
She didn’t say anything, just stood there looking at him, and he looked back, staring into her soul, because if he couldn’t say with words I am here for you , then he would try his best to show it in any other possible way.
Then she cried.
It broke his heart to hear it. There was nothing he could do to change her past, to make her less like him, to erase the trauma. But he wished so much that he could. Gosh, they started her way before they did me, she was just a little kid . He thought, holding her shaking body with all his strength, trying to hug the pain away.
She screamed in pain, and while his heart just felt more broken, all that he could do was pull her to him. Muffling her screams, trying to tell her it’s okay now. That she’s safe now. But not even he knew that.
And he stayed there until she calmed down, breath getting steady again, her eyes shutting a little, like she was almost asleep. He held her beautiful face in his metal hand, brushing the cheeks slighly, wishing he could feel the softness of it through the Vibranium, but that’s not something Hydra thought of. That hand was made for destruction, to kill, and even when the Wakadians gave him a new one, no one thought about the good things it could do, only the lives it could reap.
He felt her body become weak, and gazed at her closed eyes while her face had a relaxed expression. She’s asleep . He thought, while trying to slowly put her body down in the bed, so she could finally rest. But when he was almost done, she woke up, looking sleepish.
“Stay.” She said softly through the russian accent and grabbed his shirt to pull him to her, making him lay on the bed a little, and when he looked at her, she was so close that he could smell her scent, feel her breath on his cheek. And he could never say no to that. He could never say no to her.
So Bucky stayed. He adjusted himself to her, making his right arm a pillow for her neck, and using the opportunity to brush her hair, trying to calm her down to sleep.
He kissed her forehead, but wasn’t able to let go anymore, so they stayed in that position for a while, while she breathed deeply on his neck, eyes closed.
At some point, when she was already sleeping, Bucky tried to move his metal arm and she grabbed it, claiming it as some kind of teddy bear to sleep. Guess she found a good thing that arm could do.
And Bucky stayed.
He stayed until morning.
And he would stay forever if she asked him to.