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The pink sunrise beamed into the window of the Gryffindor common room, its light making the freckles stand out on Remus Lupin’s pale face. That face, at this moment, was pensive, and the thin, scarred body attached to it was pacing the room. Remus had been unable to fall asleep again after awakening from a horrifying dream a few hours before. In the dream, his boyfriend, Sirius Black, was sent off to Azkaban after being framed for the murder of their friends Lily and James, who, surprisingly, were married. James would be thrilled with that development, Remus chuckled to himself. At this point, it was glaringly obvious to Remus that Lily had finally started to fall for James’s hilarious attempts at romancing her, but he doubted very strongly that his mate had taken notice yet. James had long since given up on actually winning Lily over and was just flirting out of habit at this point.
Still, it wasn’t the idea of marriage that made his dream horrifying, or even Sirius being framed for murder. Instead, Remus was struck by the possibility of losing Sirius without saying the words that had been playing over and over in his head since that night six months ago on the Astronomy Tower. I’m so in love with you. And a sneaking, second thought followed closely behind: What if you aren’t in love with me?
Remus jumped as he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He tried to erase the panic from his face as Sirius rounded the corner, dressed only in boxers and a Puddlemore United t-shirt, his long, raven hair tangled around his shoulders.
“Everything okay, love?” Sirius’s voice was gravely, confirming Remus’s assumption that he had just woken up.
“I’m okay, Siri,” Remus walked over to lean his head onto Sirius’s shoulders. “Just a nightmare. Didn’t want to wake you so close to time for you to get up for classes.”
Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and placed a soft kiss on his head. “You can wake me anytime, you know that. Come now, let’s get some rest for the last hour before breakfast.” Remus allowed himself to melt into Sirius’s arms and felt himself being guided up the stairs.
As the two boys laid in Sirius’s bed with their arms wrapped around each other, Sirius promptly fell back asleep, and Remus let his mind wander. It’s not like he’d never said he loved Sirius. Their friend group wasn’t shy with affection, and they often loudly declared their love for each other when under the influence of Firewhiskey. However, it felt different now that they were dating, and not even a simple “love you” had crossed their lips. The words took on a new meaning now, shifting from expressing platonic affection to an absolutely soul crushing passion that sometimes made Remus feel as though he would explode. And if Remus is completely honest with himself, he’s scared of admitting how strongly he feels. He’s scared that Sirius won’t feel as strongly.
Then Sirius shifted in his sleep, his head nuzzling further into Remus’s neck. Remus saw a comfortable smile spread across Sirius’s face, and there’s that thought again; I’m so in love with you.
The two boys hadn’t moved from their positions, and Remus had just dozed off for the first time in hours, when the day began. “Breakfast time, lover boys,” James called out, a toothbrush in one hand. He playfully tossed a pillow toward Sirius’s bed with his other hand, which smacked Remus in the face. Remus squinted his eyes open and made a rude hand gesture in James’s general direction. “Honestly, Re, I dunno why you two keep separate beds at this point,” James laughed.
Sirius must have woken at this point too, because Remus felt him grab the pillow and throw it toward James, missing spectacularly. “Jealous, Jamie?” Sirius taunted sleepily. “I’m sure Pete wouldn’t mind keeping you company. That is, since Evans still won’t give you the time of day.”
Remus rolled his eyes as Peter snored loudly from across the room. This was their typical dynamic. James, ever the early bird, had likely already been for his morning run and had a shower. Pete would need at least two more wake up calls and still probably only get out of bed as the other three head down to the Great Hall. Sirius would detangle himself from Remus’s arms, regardless of whose bed they’ve ended up in for the night, and groggily begin his extensive skincare routine. And Remus would stretch his ever-aching limbs, gaze happily at Sirius and think, I’m so in love with you.
This was exactly how the morning progressed. In the Great Hall, Remus was still lost in thought, vaguely aware of some Quidditch-related conversation between James and Sirius, as he ate his second chocolate scone of the morning. Peter had woken, finally, and promised to meet them before the end of breakfast but requested that they please save him some toast, just in case.
“Sickle for your thoughts, darling.” Sirius’s voice pulled Remus back into reality. The Quidditch conversation must have ended, because Remus was met with Sirius’s sparkling grey eyes looking into his, a mischievous grin that made his heart flutter, and a calloused hand with black polished nails touching his arm not currently occupied with a scone.
I’m so in love with you. Remus’s thought was so immediate that he nearly blurted it out then and there. Instead, he caught himself, shook his head, and said, “Sorry, love, I’m a million miles away today.”
“Anything to do with the nightmare you had? Do you need to talk about it?” Sirius’s grin shifted to a soft smile of concern, and Remus noticed that James was looking over at him, too. Not wanting to cause any further worry, but also not wanting to lie, Remus chose his next words carefully.
In what he hoped was a confident tone, Remus responded, “Nah, Sir, I’m good. I mean, yeah, I was thinking about it, but I don’t wanna talk about it right now. James will be interested to know he was married to Lily in my nightmare, though.” Remus smirked and glanced at James, who looked absolutely ecstatic.
“Now, Remmy, dear, why would you tell him that? He’ll be insufferable the rest of the day!” Sirius pouted. Remus had to allow himself a small laugh at Sirius’s only partially false dismay.
James looked positively triumphant and chided his mate’s disgruntlement. “Sirius, don’t accost our lovely Remus for having such a hopeful vision of my future. Remus, this nightmare sounds more like a heavenly dream, if you ask me. Now, if you boys will excuse me, I’m off to inform Evans of this beautiful prophecy.” James rose from the table, grabbed some pastries for a mid-morning snack, and promptly fell flat on his face, having tripped over Marlene McKinnon’s Quidditch bag in his first step. Sirius howled with laughter, and Remus chuckled as James gathered himself, his pastries, and his remaining dignity before walking to the other end of the Gryffindor table without a word, presumably praying Lily didn’t notice his tumble.
Remus was turning back to Sirius, bracing himself for further inquisition about the dream, when Peter approached the table hurriedly, somewhere between a walk and a jog, and as close to Peter ever got to running. “Sorry, guess I overslept this morning,” Peter said sheepishly, adjusting his tie and his attempting to flatten the wrinkles in his shirt.
“Not a problem, Petey,” Sirius said calmly, as if this wasn’t a direct repeat of the morning prior, and the hundreds of mornings before that. Remus jellied the toast previously set aside and passed it to Peter as Sirius continued. “You’ve only just missed James busting his arse trying to run off and confess his undying love for Miss Evans.”
“Oh, well, good to know I haven’t missed anything unusual,” Peter commented through a mouthful of toast. Remus watched as he downed a cup of pumpkin juice and was just about to retreat back into his brain, when Peter spoke up again. “I’m a bit nervous for Potions today. I overheard some Hufflepuffs in the corridor saying they brewed Amortentia yesterday. That’s supposed to be very difficult.”
Oh, fuck. Remus froze. He knew Amortentia was a difficult potion, yes. But he was much more concerned for the discussion following the brewing. Slughorn reportedly asked every student to comment on what their potion smelled like after an Amortentia session -what their love potion smelled like. And Remus knew already his would smell like cigarettes, and Firewhiskey, and ridiculously expensive shampoo. Just the thought of this smell brought the words I’m so in love with you slamming back into Remus’s brain.
Peter was back to fidgeting with his tie and didn’t seem to notice Remus’s face turn pale with fear. Sirius did, however, and squeezed his hand. “Remmy, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen Filch with his pants down.” He was smirking, but Remus could see worry in his furrowed brows.
“Nothing, Sir, just thinking about how – erm – how rubbish I am at potions.” Remus’s voice was a pitch higher than usual and accompanied by an only vaguely believable laugh, but Sirius must have realized Remus didn’t want him to push further.
Sirius patted Remus’s arm gently before responding. “Okay - well, I’m sure old Sluggy won’t go too hard on us for our first love potion attempt. Oh, look, James is back. He looks pleased.”
James did look awestruck as he rejoined the group, and Remus halfway listened to him ramble about how Lily might let him take her to Hogsmeade, if he didn’t annoy her between now and the next trip. Sirius and Peter were clearly in agreement that this was a success for James, and they provided enough support that Remus felt comfortable drifting into his own thoughts again.
Potions was the Gryffindors’ second class of the morning, following Transfiguration. Remus normally excelled in the first class, but he had a feeling he’d be less engaged today. All he could think about was the inevitability of smelling Sirius in his Amortentia and announcing his probably unmatched love to the class. How fucking embarrassing. He supposed he could lie about what he smelled. Chocolate and used books would be a reasonable answer, not categorically untrue. He did love those things, just very obviously not as much as the raven-haired boy across the table from him. I’m so in love with you.
Remus was yanked back to the present this time by Peter announcing that it was time to head to Transfiguration, or risk the wrath of Minnie for being late.
Remus was right about being distracted in his first class. What was supposed to be a crystal serving dish transfigured from an Iguana became stuck as a teapot with scales. He tried to undo his mistake, but the teapot became a gecko instead. James and Sirius exchanged worried looks when the poor gecko exploded into confetti at Remus’s third attempt and Remus banged his head on his desk in frustration. Peter only didn’t notice because his Iguana had just bitten his nose, for which he was sent to the hospital wing and excused for the day. Remus wished miserably that the Iguana would bite him too, so he wouldn’t have to go to Potions. By the end of class, Minnie was down another Iguana and had assigned Remus an extra roll of parchment on the impact of emotion on Transfiguration spells.
After what seemed to be both the longest Transfiguration class he’d ever experienced and yet still not enough time to prepare for smelling Amortentia, Remus found himself walking toward the dungeons with James and Sirius. He reached over to remove some stray gecko confetti from Sirius’s hair. “I think we’re going to be finding confetti for a while, Rem,” Sirius joked softly. “That was a total shitshow in Minnie’s class, by the way. And a whole essay on emotionality seems a bit excessive, but she does have a point. Something is obviously bothering you.” Sirius took his hand gently.
“I’m fine, honestly, Siri. Just tired and, well, anxious, I guess. But I’m fine, it’s nothing to worry about.” Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand and gave what he hoped was a convincing smile. He wasn’t fine, far from it, especially when he looked down at Sirius’s eyes and thought again, I’m so in love with you.
Sirius didn’t look convinced, but they had reached the dungeons for Potions with Slughorn and the Slytherins, and the time for open conversation passed. Remus tried to pull himself together. It’s not that he didn’t want to tell Sirius, he just wasn’t planning on it being in a room full of other people. He hadn’t planned on having such little control. He tried to focus as Slughorn asked the class to pair up and Sirius pulled him to a table next to James, who looked far too thrilled to be sitting next to Lily. Remus smirked. At least one of us will be pleased at the end of the lesson.
Remus felt his heart rate increase steadily as Slughorn announced that they would, in fact, be brewing Amortentia today. It continued to rise as Sirius gathered the ingredients they needed and Remus attempted to turn to the proper chapter in his textbook with shaking hands. Sirius noticed, took his hands, and turned the pages for him. “Rem, baby, are you sure you’re alright?” Sirius whispered.
Barely trusting himself to speak, and definitely not to look at Sirius’s face, Remus murmured, “I’m fine, Sirius, now drop it. We have a potion to brew.” It came out harsher than he meant, and he could feel Sirius stiffen and frown next to him, but he still couldn’t look. He stared pointedly at the textbook and reached for the shears to begin cutting rose thorns, trying not to feel guilty.
“Fine, Remus, but we’re talking about whatever the hell this is tonight. You’ve been distant and anxious all day, so I’ll drop it for now because I don’t want this potion to explode and I saw what your emotions can do in Minnie’s class, but we’re talking later.” Sirius spoke in an elevated and forceful but gentle whisper, and Remus heard frustration and compassion mixed in his voice.
Still not trusting himself to make eye contact for fear that either his heart would explode or he would burst into tears, Remus agreed begrudgingly, “Fine, we’ll talk later.”
The pair worked on their potion in silence for the next half hour, and Remus tried unsuccessfully to control his thoughts. What if I can’t stop myself from saying it smells like him? What if he knows I’m lying when I say it doesn’t? What if I’m so overwhelmed by the smell that I kiss him right here in front of everyone? And the one thought that Remus had been trying to ignore all day, the one making him more anxious than all the others; What if he doesn’t say it smells like me?
Remus believed that Sirius cared about him. He could also rationalize that Sirius was physically attracted to him, if their recent adventures in the Room of Requirement were any evidence. But what if Sirius didn’t love him? That would be asking a lot, after all, to love a werewolf, a boy covered in scars, a boy whose chronic pain and poor mental health would likely only get worse as time progresses, who would likely be unemployable for long stretches of time after school. No, Remus would understand perfectly well if Sirius didn’t love him. He just wasn’t sure he could bear to hear that confirmed.
For what felt like the millionth time today, Remus found himself jerked away from his thoughts. This time, though, it wasn’t a voice that jolted him into the present moment, but a smell. An overwhelming smell of cigarettes and Firewhiskey, and expensive shampoo, and leather, and dog fur, and Oh, Merlin it was overwhelming. He looked up to see Sirius completing the final counterclockwise stir and grinning. I’m so in love with you, Remus thought helplessly, drowning out every other thought in his head.
“Like what you smell, Remus?” James laughed from the next table. “You look lovestruck, mate.” Lily smacked him with her textbook and Sirius chuckled.
“Glad to know we made a good potion, Rem,” Sirius smiled, placing a hand on Remus’s shoulder. Remus was saved from answering by Slughorn ringing a bell to gather the class’s attention.
“Okay, everyone. Hopefully, we have some successful brews here. Let’s see if we all enjoy what we smell. Lucious and Theo, what do the two of you smell in your Amortentia?” Slughorn nodded toward the two Slytherins in the front of the room, who each mumbled something Remus couldn’t hear from across the room. Slughorn made his way around the class, stopping at each pair to listen to what they smelled. Only Frank and Mary had been unsuccessful, creating some yellow goop that Frank described as smelling like rotten eggs in a warm dumpster. Slughorn eventually found himself by James and Lily’s table, where Lily blushed violently red when admitting to smelling broomstick polish, Butterbeer, and something she couldn’t quite name but Remus knew was James’s cologne.
And then Slughorn was standing in front of Remus and Sirius. “Beautiful looking brew here, boys. Now, what do we smell?” Slughorn looked expectantly at them, and Remus felt the sheer panic that had been building all day hit solidly in his chest. Before he could think, before he could spit out his cover of chocolate and books, and certainly before he could hear Sirius’s response, Remus found himself running out of the room.
He didn’t stop when Slughorn ordered him back to his seat, when he heard Sirius and James calling after him, when he reached the main floor of the castle, or even when he reached the castle doors. He kept running across the castle grounds until he stopped suddenly, barely keeping himself from falling into the body of water in front of him. He laughed ironically when he saw where he was. The Black Lake. Where the Marauders would picnic on non-Hogsmeade weekends. Where Sirius liked to bask in the sun and draw while laying on Remus’s lap. Where, back in third year, Remus looked at Sirius after some stupid fight and realized for the first time that he’d rather die than live without him, and they’d made up immediately.
Remus made his way to the tree by the lake and sank to the ground, staring off at the peaks in the distance that Sirius loved to draw. He felt the tears hit his arms before he realized he was crying. He let the fear and panic take over as sobs shivered through his body. His thoughts were more jumbled now. What if? Unlovable. Burden. Scars. Werewolf. Monster. Remus was thinking that maybe it would be better if he just ended things with Sirius to save himself the heartbreak and Sirius the trouble of leaving him later when he heard footsteps approaching.
He looked up and saw a watery view of two boys coming toward him. James and Sirius. James was holding the map in his hand. The fucking map. Of course, they’d come find me. ‘No marauder left behind’ and all that bullshit. Sirius plopped down next to Remus and wordlessly pulled him into his arms. Remus felt himself immediately relax and hated himself for needing this for comfort. Through his continued sobs, Remus heard James say, “You got this one, mate. I’m gonna go check on Petey’s nose.” He felt James pat him lightly on the back and heard his footsteps retreat toward the hospital wing.
As his breathing seemed to involuntarily regulate and his sobs were replaced with calmer, but steady tears, Remus felt Sirius kiss the top of his head. “Love, please tell me what’s going on. Is this all still about that nightmare?” Sirius cupped his chin with one hand and lifted his face to meet his eyes.
Remus realized he was incapable of lying at this point and nodded his head. “Yes, but not exactly in the way you think,” he admitted. He shifted his body to lean back against the tree but kept Sirius’s arm wrapped around his shoulder.
“Can you tell me about it, Remmy? Or at least the parts that are bothering you?” Sirius’s grey eyes were pleading at this point, and Remus noticed some tears beginning to form. He felt horrible for causing Sirius this much worry. He took a deep breath and decided he should start from the beginning. This wasn’t exactly the romantic love confessional that he would have liked to have planned, but he decided Sirius deserved the truth so he could make his own decisions about it.
“Okay, Siri. Yeah, um, so, I had a nightmare.” Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be. Sirius maintained eye contact, and nodded patiently for him to continue. “Erm, well, it wasn’t like a normal wolf nightmare. This was after Hogwarts, and James and Lily were married.” Sirius smirked at this, and Remus let himself smile briefly. “They were married, and you and I were living together. Peter wasn’t in the dream, which I’m just now realizing is odd. But then James and Lily were killed, and someone framed you, and you got sent away to Azkaban, and I was – I was alone.” A single sob shook his body as Sirius pulled him close again.
Sirius ran his fingers through Remus’s mousy hair. “Baby, I would never leave you alone. And I’d like to see some bastard try to put me in Azkaban and take me from you. I’d actually murder someone to keep that from happening.” Sirius spoke with a fierce conviction that Remus hadn’t expected at all. He looked back up at Sirius curiously.
“So – so, erm, you would still want to be with me after Hogwarts?” Remus whispered nervously, with the tiniest sliver of hope in his voice.
“Remus, what the fuck do you mean? Of course I want to be with you after Hogwarts. I plan on having you with me for the rest of my life, if you’ll have me.” Sirius sounded confused and mildly irritated, which shocked Remus. Did he not understand the difficulty that came with Remus in adulthood? He shifted again, this time pulling a bit further from Sirius’s grip.
“It’s just – well – my life isn’t going to be easy,” Remus explained. “I probably won’t find work quickly, and the transformations are just going to get worse, and I’ll probably be annoying to be around, more so than I am now, because I’ll be in pain a lot more, and I’ll just be a burden, so I – I guess what I’m saying is – I would understand if you did leave.” He was looking at his knees as he spoke, knowing he was giving Sirius the chance to break his heart and not wanting to watch while it happened.
“Remus John Lupin, look at me right now,” Sirius insisted, some emotion that Remus thought might be hurt or sadness lingering in his voice. He looked up to see tears rolling down Sirius’s face. “Remus, I don’t want easy. I don’t want money from whatever job you might find. I don’t give a damn about that. I just want you. I want you, and everything you come with. You will never be an annoyance or a burden, not to me. And on the days you feel like you’re a burden to yourself, I’ll be there to remind you that you aren’t. I know your brain doesn’t want you to believe that, but please, love, please, let me show you. All I want is you.”
Remus felt his heart rate slow for the first time since he woke during the night. Sirius’s words swam in his head. Those words had to mean that Sirius loved him, too, but yet he hadn’t said that. He’d said so much that meant love, at least to Remus, but he hadn’t said he loved him. Remus was silently wondering if he should just say it, and see if Sirius would reciprocate, when Sirius spoke again.
“Rem, I can see you’re feeling a little overwhelmed right now.” Understatement of the century. Remus nodded in admittance, and Sirius continued. “Do you want to tell me why you ran away in Potions? Did it all just get too much, or was there something specific that made you feel worse?” Sirius moved his body to be closer to Remus again, and Remus let himself breathe a little easier. Okay, here it goes. Merlin, I’m so in love with you, and you’re about to know it.
Remus took Sirius’s hand and forced himself to speak. “After I woke up from the nightmare, I realized something. Well, I’d already known it, but I realized I wanted you to know, too. That I didn’t want to lose you without you knowing. I was all in my head this morning trying to figure out how I was going to tell you, when Pete mentioned the Amortentia. And then I was terrified because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore. I knew that I’d know if you felt differently, too, because you wouldn’t be able to hide it either. And I was just so overwhelmed because I wanted to tell you, but not like that.”
Remus saw Sirius’s face grow more confused as he spoke and hoped he was making some kind of sense. Apparently, not enough. Sirius looked like he’d been hit with a mild Confundus charm as he responded. “Remmy, I don’t understand. What did you want to tell me? And what the hell does Amortentia have anything to do with it?”
Remus briefly buried his face in his hands and groaned in frustration. He willed himself to breathe and meet Sirius’s curious eyes. “Sirius – Merlin – fuck - Siri, I’m so in love with you,” he spit out before he could change his mind again. Remus watched as shock and understanding built on Sirius’s face. He let himself continue, “I’m so in love with you, and I knew that all I’d smell in that goddamned potion was you and your stupid cigarettes, and your Firewhiskey, and your leather jacket, and your ridiculous shampoo, and just you, and I was terrified that you’d smell something that wasn’t me.” Remus felt fresh tears prick at his eyes from exasperation, just before his lips were covered by Sirus’s. The kiss was hard and gentle at the same time, filled with as much emotion as their first night on the Astronomy Tower. As he pulled away, Sirius kissed Remus’s nose, then his forehead, then his lips, gently one more time. Then, Remus felt calloused hands cup his face again and he couldn’t look anywhere but Sirius’s eyes.
“Remmy, my darling. I love you with everything that I am. I loved you before I knew what it meant to feel love, before I understood why I needed you to breathe. I am hopelessly, unrelentingly in love with you, and I’m so sorry you questioned that for even a second.” Sirius punctuated his sentences with small kisses around Remus’s face, and Remus felt chills spread across his body. He never thought he would feel worthy of a love like this, but Sirius made everything seem right. He felt a genuine smile grow on his face and laughter that could only be described as pure happiness escaped his mouth.
Sirius held him close as they laughed together briefly, and Remus thought that maybe love could feel simple after all. He nuzzled his head into Sirius’s neck and smiled. “I’m sorry I’m a mess, Sir. This isn’t exactly how I wanted to tell you that I love you, but I’m glad I finally said it.”
“I’m glad you did, too, Remmy. I love you so much. I just didn’t want to scare you with how intensely I feel. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you actually needed that intensity.” Sirius kissed Remus’s head again before standing and pulling Remus to his feet as well.
“Don’t apologize, love. It’s not your fault I’m still battling my own insecurities,” Remus assured Sirius with squeeze to his hand.
“Then I guess I’m battling them with you.” Sirius brought Remus’s hand to his lips and kissed it softly. Without letting go, he started walking toward the castle. “Come on, darling, let’s go relieve James from Pete-duty, so he can chase down Evans again. He does need to address her little Amortentia crisis as well.”
Remus hummed in agreement and walked alongside Sirius toward the hospital wing. Sirius swung their arms contently as they walked. “Oh, in case you’re still curious, Remmy,” Sirius commented lightly, “I smelled chocolate, the library, soft wool, and tea. As if it could ever be anything but you.”