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Eleven o’clock was approaching as Sirius sat in the window nook of the boy’s dormitory, smoking his fifth cigarette of the evening, and staring at the half moon shining in the clear night sky. He was wrapped in a blanket, as opening the window to let the smoke out had, consequently, let the December cold in. His mind was heavy and scattered. After the conversation he had with James today, Sirius had resolved to tell Remus the truth about this summer, the whole truth, but he was rethinking that decision more as each minute passed. He looked as much a mess as he felt, with his long raven hair knotted around his shoulders and dark circles growing ever deeper around his eyes. As he waited, rather impatiently, for Remus to put away his homework and retreat to the dorm, Sirius played every possible outcome in his mind. These outcomes grew increasingly dramatic and less likely, though much more terrifying, with each thought.
Just when Sirius was approaching the end of a rather outrageous supposition in which Remus hexed him out the window in a fit of rage, the creak of the dormitory door jolted him back to reality.
“Sorry if I spooked you, Sir. Trouble sleeping again?” Sirius grimaced at the note of pity in Remus’s voice. James was right, he was becoming a mess, and this had to end.
“S’okay, Rem. Just stargazing,” he responded, putting out his cigarette and hoping his voice didn’t betray the knots steadily growing in his stomach.
Remus crossed the room toward his friend, likely realizing something was off. Sirius hadn’t noticed his leg was shaking until Remus placed a hand on his knee. “You sure you’re okay, Sirius? It’s just, well, I’ve noticed you’ve been smoking more than normal this term, and sleeping less.” Remus spoke hesitantly, but with genuine concern.
“Yeah, Rem, I’m fine. No need to worry ‘bout me.” Sirius panicked, presenting what he hoped was a convincing smile.
“Okay, mate, if you’re sure. Just wake me up if you need anything.” The look of concern had not left Remus’s face as he turned to prepare for bed. Sirius mentally kicked himself for his cowardice.
Goddammit, I’m a bloody liar. Of course, I’m not bloody fine. Merlin, why does this have to be so hard?
Sirius took a deep breath, attempting to inhale some form of courage. When he finally spoke, Remus was already in his pajamas.
“Actually, Remus, er, well, uh, I was…I was wondering if we could talk.”
Sirius’s words came out in a whisper, but Remus must have heard. He turned quickly and walked back to the window.
“Okay, Siri, of course. Do you wanna talk here or go to the tower?” Remus asked.
“Let’s go to the tower, if you don’t mind. We could take some blankets, since it’s cold.”
“Yeah, that’s fine, Sirius. I’ve been practicing that fire-in-a-jar spell that Lilly taught me too, so that should help keep us warm. I’ll grab the cloak and map from James’s trunk, if you’ll grab some blankets.”
With that, both boys stood from the nook and began to gather the items. Sirius pulled his favorite Gryffindor Quidditch blanket from his trunk, hand-knitted by Mrs. Potter, as well as a rather fuzzy blanket he had acquired from Pete at some point, made of some rather soft Muggle material called Sherpa. From the trunk, Sirius also retrieved his sketchpad, which he placed in the back pocket of his jeans before joining Remus at the dormitory door.
Because Remus was nearly six inches taller than Sirius, he first pulled the Invisibility Cloak over his own head of unkempt, mousy hair, then stuck his arm out of the cloak to motion for Sirius to join. With both boys completely concealed by the cloak, Remus lit his wand and checked the map. The path to the Astronomy Tower was clear, with Filch safely in his office.
“You ready?” Remus asked, dimming his wand slightly.
Sirius nodded in response, and the two boys exited the dormitory. The walk to the tower was silent, and Sirius couldn’t decide if that made him feel better or worse. Finally, they reached the top of the tower staircase and pulled off the cloak. Remus folded it and placed it on a stone bench near the entryway. He placed the map in his pocket, and gently took one of the blankets from Sirius’s arms. Unwilling to break the silence yet, Sirius simply nodded and followed as Remus walked to the tower wall and sank gracefully to the ground, his back lounging against the stone. Remus unfolded the blanket and covered both Sirius’s legs and his own. Sirius watched as Remus then pulled out a jar of fire from his pocket and placed it in front of them.
For a moment, they just sat there, taking in the constellations above them. Trying to gather some bit of courage, Sirius replayed James’s words in his head.
Mate, look, I would never pressure you to come out to anyone else. But you’ve got to talk to Remus about what happened this summer. Holding it inside you, mate, it’s killing you. You’re smoking through a pack every two days, sometimes more than that. I found Firewhiskey stashed in your trunk, you aren’t sleeping, and your grades are starting to drop, even in Minnie’s class. You’ve got to get this off your chest. Confiding in only me hasn’t done the trick, and Remus has always been a comfort to you before. Plus, don’t you think Remus deserves the truth? And don’t say he’ll hate you, it’s Remus. You know his biggest secret, and you love him regardless. It’ll be the same for you. Even if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, he’ll be glad you trusted him.
Finally, it was Remus who broke the silence, interrupting James’s monologue in Sirius’s head.
“So, Siri, what’s up?” His voice was soft, and when he shifted his body to face Sirius, their knees met under the blanket.
In this vulnerable moment, that touch felt irrationally intimate to Sirius. He pulled away slightly; his mouth felt as though it was full of cotton and his brain felt about as useful as a wad of chewing gum. He was just wondering if simply running back to the dorm and pretending this never happened would be an appropriate option when was pulled back to reality by Remus shifting closer to him and sliding an arm around his shoulder.
From what seemed like another world, Sirius heard Remus’s voice whisper into his ear, “Siri, whatever it is, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Sirius blinked back the glistening in his eyes and inhaled deeply, forcing himself to fully return from the emotional safety of dissociation. “I’m afraid you might rethink that when I tell you.” He was staring down at his knees, which were now drawn into his chest. He felt absurdly small in this moment.
Suddenly, Sirius felt a hand under his chin, lifting his face to meet the golden sparkle in Remus’s eyes, another painfully intimate move that had the effect of dramatically increasing Sirius’s heart rate. “Sirius, I’m a fucking werewolf for Merlin’s sake. What could possibly be so bad that you could scare me off, of all people?”
Sirius gave Remus a rueful smile and forced himself to break eye contact before his heart jumped violently out of his chest. “Don’t you pull that bloody ‘I’m a werewolf, I’m a monster, I’m so scary’ shit with me, Rem. You fold your damn socks,” Sirius countered, allowing the tension in his body to ease ever so slightly.
Remus rolled his eyes at his friend’s refusal to accept the danger of his condition. “My point,” he explained with a smirk, “is that whatever you tell me isn’t going to be a shock. If you can handle knowing that about me, I can handle knowing whatever about you.”
Sirius took a deep breath. In his heart, he knew Remus was right, at least about one part of it. Remus probably wouldn’t hex him to oblivion for being gay. He could probably accept that part of Sirius’s confession. But the other part…well, let’s just stick with part one for now.
“Okay,” Sirius spoke at last. “Er, well, I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been a bit of a disaster this term.” He looked up at Remus, waiting for a comment, but Remus just gave an encouraging nod to continue.
“Right, well, I just thought I’d tell you why. James says that talking about it with you might help, and also that you deserve to know the truth, and I agree with both of those things, so…” Sirius trailed off again, and this time Remus spoke.
“I have been worried about you this term, Siri. You used to come to my bed whenever you had nightmares, but this term you haven’t done that at all. At first, I thought it was good, that you weren’t having nightmares anymore. Then, after some time had passed, I thought maybe you’d gone to James or Pete instead, that maybe you felt more comfortable with them, or maybe you’d gone to some girl you’d found. But then, one night after Halloween, you forgot to do a silencing charm on your bed, and I heard you crying. I didn’t want to say anything and embarrass you, or pressure you to talk about it too soon, because I wasn’t sure if something had changed with us, but I’ve been worried since then.”
Sirius felt a new wave of shame. “I’m sorry I worried you, Remus. And that I made you think I wasn’t comfortable with you. That could never be true. It’s just that I wasn’t comfortable with myself. I’m still not, if I’m being honest.”
“No, don’t apologize for that,” Remus gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me what was going on before tonight.”
“It wasn’t that I felt like I couldn’t tell you, specifically. It was that I couldn’t tell anyone at all. James doesn’t count because he was there. Or at least there right after.” Sirius assured.
“So, this has to do with this summer? With why you ran away to James’s house?” Remus now wore an inquisitive look, but the same compassion flowed out in his voice and body language.
Here goes nothing. Sirius exhaled, and suddenly it felt like the words were being vomited out of his mouth. “I-I didn’t run away from home. They kicked me out, my parents did. I finally crossed the line for them. They tortured me, that’s where the new scars came from. Then they told me to get out of their sight, so I tried to go to my room, but they said I didn’t have a room anymore. I didn’t have a home there. So, I went to James’s. And they were lovely, and I know I’ll always have the Potters, and they’re wonderful, but I don’t have my family. They burned me off the family tree – did you know you can feel it when you get burned off a tree? And...”
Sirius’s rambling was interrupted by sobs, sobs that he soon realized were coming from his own body. He felt a pair of long arms wrap around him, pulling him in to a tight embrace. He let his head relax against Remus’s bony chest until his tears subsided.
“Sirius,” Remus whispered, as he loosened his embrace and picked up Sirius’s head to meet his eyes, “I’m so sorry. I don’t understand why you were scared to tell me that, though. I mean, I’m not angry, I know it’s always hard for you to talk about the hell they put you through, but this time you seem, I don’t know, ashamed? You know it’s not your fault, right?”
Sirius shook his head. “It’s not what they did that I’m ashamed of, Rem. It’s why they did it. Why they kicked me out. Because part of me thinks they were right to do it. And James keeps telling me it’s not bad, but I can still hear their voices in my head calling me those vile names, and I just wonder if they’re right.” Sirius shifted his body and turned his gaze back to his knees. He spoke so softly now that Remus barely heard him say, “I wonder if you’ll think they’re right.”
Remus’s face twinged at those words, and a look of hurt crossed his face as he pulled away slightly. When he spoke, his voice was sharper than before,
“What do you mean ‘I’ll think they’re right?’ Sirius, there’s nothing you could say to me right now, short of you being a bloody serial murderer, that would make me even the slightest inclined to agree with those morons. Now, tell me what’s going on.”
“Well, I’m not a murderer.” Sirius muttered, taken aback by Remus’s change of tone.
Remus sighed and placed his hands over Sirius’s. “Then you’ve nothing to worry about, Siri.”
A few leftover tears slipped quietly from Sirius’s eyes. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to meet Remus’s imploring gaze. His next sentence was short and quiet, but the words took all the courage in his body to utter.
“I’m gay, Remmy. Please don’t hate me.”
A silence more deafening than the cry of a Mandrake fell in that moment. Sirius used all his strength to keep eye contact, watching for some sign of acceptance, disgust, rejection, anything. He was still unable to read the emotion in the golden eyes in front of him, when -
“I am, too,” Remus’s voice broke into the night.
“Wh-what?” Sirius stuttered, blushing and suddenly acutely aware of Remus’s hands over his.
“I said, ‘I am too.’ I’m gay. Well, I’m bisexual, anyway. It means I like men and women. So, um, I definitely don’t hate you.” Remus smirked, meeting Sirius’s eyes again. He had dropped Sirius’s hands while speaking, but the gap between them was still small.
Of all the ways this conversation had played out in his head, he had considered this one among the least likely. But of course, just because he fancies blokes too, it doesn’t mean he likes me. He’s got an entire school to choose from, there’s no way he’d pick someone as fucked up as me.
“Sirius, breathe,” Remus shook his shoulder lightly. Sirius wasn’t aware that he had stopped.
“Sorry, Rem. I just wasn’t expecting that, I guess. I hope I didn’t force you out before you were ready.” Sirius brought his hand up to meet Remus’s on his shoulder, squeezing it apologetically.
“Nah, Sir, it’s fine. I was planning on telling you guys soon, anyway. I came out to my mum this summer, and she was amazing. I guess I’ve been just waiting for the right moment. And even if I wasn’t bi, you should know I’d be accepting of you. You accept my furry little problem better than I do, and that’s something terrible. This, Siri, this isn’t terrible, no matter what your parents say.”
Remus brought his hand down to his side, but he held on to Sirius’s grip.
“I am sorry though,” Remus continued. “For all you went through with your parents, and that you thought even for a moment that I’d agree with them. Even if I didn’t fancy men, I’d still love you just how you are.”
Remus released Sirius’s hand, but only to slide his arm back around Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius smiled and leaned his head into the crook of Remus’s long neck.
“And even if I didn’t fancy men, I’d still love you just how you are, Rem,” Sirius responded peacefully.
“So, does anyone else know, Sirius? I know you mentioned that James does,” Remus inquired kindly.
“Just James. And his parents. I told them the night they took me in. I didn’t really have the mental capacity left to hide anything that night. And dear old mum and dad, of course,” Sirius replied ruefully.
“Oh yeah.” Confusion and concern mixed together on Remus’s face. “And how exactly is it that they know? Forgive me, but ‘Hey mum, I’m gay, just thought you should know!’ doesn’t seem like a safe sentence in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.”
“It’s not. Definitely not a safe sentence. And apparently, it’s not safe to leave sketchpads laying in your own goddamn bedroom when you go get a milkshake either.” Sirius’s dry humor seemed to have returned to him, the air surrounding him feeling a bit lighter. Something about having let Remus into his world made things seem a little less scary.
“As secretive as you are with that thing, yes, I would assume it’s not safe to leave it out in broad daylight with your mother home either,” Remus acknowledged. “Of course, you don’t have to show me, I know you hate when people ask to see your art, but I am curious as to what you drew that automatically gave away your sexuality.”
Sirius threw his head back, narrowly avoiding hitting his head on the stone behind him, covered his face with his hands, groaned. Of course, he would say that. Of fucking course. Merlin’s balls, what was the use of putting me in Gryffindor if I still want to be a bloody coward.
“Sirius, you don’t have to tell me, no need for the dramatics.” Remus’s chuckling voice interrupted the string of thoughts running through Sirius’s head. He sat up, looked Remus in the eyes, and attempted to inhale all the courage in Gryffindor Tower.
“Yes, yes, I do have to tell you. Because I told myself no more secrets after tonight. And that includes this, even though I’m fucking terrified.” Sirius stood up to pull the sketchpad from his pocket. He held it against his chest, arms crossed over it. When he sat down again, he positioned himself in front of Remus instead of beside him. Remus shuddered from the cold, and Sirius noticed that he had pulled the blanket from his legs when he stood. He grabbed the original blanket and the second one, pulling one around Remus’s shoulders to warm him and one over both of their laps. Remus smiled and nodded his thanks. Silence fell again, but this time it was a more comfortable one. Again, it was Remus who spoke first.
“You don’t have to do this, Siri. Honestly, there’s no pressure from me. But, if you want to, then I appreciate you trusting me, and I promise nothing in the context of that sketchpad will change anything between us.”
“I appreciate you trusting me.” That was all Sirius needed to hear. Remus deserved honesty. With that, he opened the sketchpad, the contents still facing his chest.
“I’m going to show you what my mum saw,” Sirius paused here to draw in another wave of courage. “But first, I’m going to show you my favorite piece of art in here. It took me only one day to complete, because I know the subject like the back of my hand, and it brings me peace when I can’t even find the strength to draw some days. I guess you could call it my muse.”
Remus, seemingly aware of how vulnerable Sirius was in this moment, just nodded, an encouraging smile gracing his face. Before he could talk himself out of it, Sirius closed his eyes and handed over the sketchpad, open to the portrait of Remus smirking, wearing Sirius’s leather jacket.
He kept his eyes closed, afraid to see Remus’s reaction, until he heard, “Shit, Siri.” Sirius looked up to see Remus’s eyes filled with tears and a soft smile on his face.
“Siri, this is…Merlin, I wish I really looked this beautiful.” Remus’s voice betrayed a twinge of sadness, and Sirius felt his heart break a bit at the self-hatred he knew Remus held inside.
“Remmy, you are that beautiful.” Sirius placed a hand gently on his knee. There was no turning back at this point. “Hell, you’re more beautiful than that drawing. No sketch could capture everything that you are.” Sirius’s voice shook, but he pressed on, bringing his eyes to Remus’s once more, searching for any sign of realization. “Remus, don’t you see? You are my muse. And as scared as I am to lose you, I can’t go another night without you knowing that.”
“Lose me? Sirius, why would you lose me? I’ve already told you, even if I didn’t fancy men, I’d love you just the way you are,” Remus responded, looking very confused.
Merlin, this man is either more oblivious than James, or incredibly unaccustomed to flirting. Or, he fully realizes what I’m saying, and he’s playing dumb so as to not hurt my feelings.
Sirius shook that last thought out of his head; it was rather unhelpful at the moment. He placed his hands above Remus’s and slowly took back the sketchpad.
“I think this next picture explains what I mean, better than I can with words.” Sirius flipped a few pages over, to the fateful sketch Walburga had seen on his final day in Grimmauld Place. Two shirtless boys laid in the grass, their arms tangled around each other, their lips almost touching. One boy sported an unkempt, mousy, brunette undercut and a few large scars on his skinny chest. The other had a raven mane flowing out behind him and a short torso accentuated with broad shoulders. In the grass, just above the boys’ heads, was written Sirius and Remus.
Sirius handed the sketchpad back to Remus face down and watched with his heart pounding as Remus flipped it over. Remus brought a hand up to cover his mouth in shock. He stared at the drawing for a moment, then looked up with an unreadable expression on his face.
“How long, Sirius?” Remus’s voice was a whisper, as if he barely dared to acknowledge the unspoken truth between them.
“Since I’ve known you, honestly. I love being your friend, Remmy, and I am more than willing to lock these feelings back inside my brain, and never show them to you again. But if there’s any chance you might feel the same, well, now you know.”
Sirius was acutely aware that Remus hadn’t pulled away yet, and he felt the warmth of their legs meeting between their bodies. His breath hitched as Remus shifted his body to sit next to Sirius again. He stopped breathing entirely when Remus’s lips brushed his ear.
“I do. Always have,” Remus whispered before pulling back just slightly. Sirius turned to meet Remus’s shimmering golden eyes. Their noses were almost touching. “In your picture, it looks like we’re about to kiss.” Remus commented. His breath danced on Sirius’s lips, and Sirius thought he had never wanted something so desperately before.
“Yes,” Sirius whispered back. “It didn’t feel right to draw an actual kiss since it’s never really happened.”
“But you want it to.”
“Merlin, yes, more than anything.”
Sirius wasn’t sure who closed the gap first, but he felt Remus’s chapped lips land softly against his own. When they pulled back, Remus smiled, pressing his forehead against Sirius’s.
“I can’t wait to see the updated version,” Remus whispered.
“With you as my muse, Remmy, I know it will be beautiful,” Sirius whispered back, letting himself fall forward into Remus’s embrace.
“I’ll be your muse as long as you’ll have me, Siri.” Remus placed another gentle kiss to the top of Sirius’s head.
The two boys spent the night on the Astronomy Tower, wrapped in both blankets they brought, with a small jar of fire beside their feet. Sirius got the most rest he’d had all term. When James found them the next morning, they were wrapped in each other’s arms, their lips just an inch apart, with smiles across both their faces.