Work Text:
It was recess, and everyone was on the playground, talking. Ivan reached his hand to Till’s head, stroking his hair.
“I love your hair, Till.” Ivan told Till, fascinated.
“Hm? Oh, thanks. I’ve been meaning to get my bangs cut, though. they’re getting long and covering my eyes.” Till replied, looking up from his sketch to brush his own bangs slightly.
Ivan and Till were in the shade of the slide, Till looking up from his sketch pad occasionally to look to the side, where the garden was. Ivan looked mainly at Till, but looked at Till’s drawing, too. Roughly eight feet away from them were Mizi and Sua, who were on the swings, conversing. They seemed caught up in conversation, laughing and giggling without a care in the world. Hyuna and Luka, on the other hand, were on the slides, although not going down. They were also talking, but it sounded more like murmuring.
“I’ve been meaning to get my bangs done, too!” Ivan replied happily, though his response was a little delayed.
As Ivan smiled and thought more about Till and his words, and Till drew, Mizi and Sua bolted from the swings. Luka and Hyuna went to collect flowers from the garden in front of Till and Ivan, causing Till to sigh. As a few minutes passed, Till was focused on finishing the drawing, and finally finished the drawing once Luka and Hyuna came back. Hyuna called for Mizi and Sua, who were racing around the playground, playing tag. Mizi and Sua came back, panting and laughing. Mizi sat down next to Ivan, and Sua collapsed by Mizi’s side, dying of laughter.
“We got you guys some flowers!” Hyuna said ecstatically, though the children knew by “we” she meant her, with Luka accompanying her.
“Thank you!” Mizi excitedly sat up, and Hyuna started to distribute the flowers.
Once she gave everyone of the four little gremlins flowers, she received a small bouquet of flowers from Luka. She gasped and said thank you, while Luka blushed.
“Till!” Ivan exclaimed, a little twinkle in his eyes. “We could be bang buddies!”
Mizi looked confused as Hyuna stifled laughter. Sua looked disgusted, while Luka looked resigned to be friends with Ivan.
“What? No.” Till looked at Ivan in horror.
That look of horror made Ivan have a similar memory. A memory he couldn't grasp, but Till had looked at him that way once. Ivan knows that. He’s seen that face before…
Two Extras!.
Ivan-
I never wanted to die. I admit I was numb to the idea before, unbothered. But since I had met you, I was given a reason to live. You have brought me comfort, something I was not used to due to my solitude. You are the best person in my life, and it will stay that way even if you grow to despise me. Saving you was an impulse, it felt natural. I wanted to live, not thinking of sacrificing myself. Then you had planned on sacrificing yourself, and that changed the outcome. I hadn’t wanted you to throw your life away. Especially not for me. That, at least, I do not regret. I’ve “saved” you in a way, before, when we escaped the Anakt Garden. That time, you wanted to go back, to be with the one you loved. I do not blame you, for I followed you, also following the one I love. I am glad that I at least died in your presence more than anyone else's.
You won, Till, and I am grateful for that. However, though, I cannot help but express sorrow. Sorrow from leaving your side. Although, as long as you live, I will be fulfilled. As I was penetrated with the bullets, the piercing of my skin I paid little to no attention to. Instead, the look you gave me is what hurt me the most. The look of fear and acceptance. The fear was to be expected, though it still scared me that I was the one causing you to feel fear, when I know you hate being in vulnerable positions and seeing you in pain is excruciating for me. Why would you accept such a fate? A fate of me killing you. I wish not to dwell on this, but I loved you and forever will. To think you could accept that fate just shows how shallow I was when I bore my emotions.
We never asked each other what was wrong, how we felt. Those topics were too intimate for us, and I doubt even if I told you my feelings, you would not be able to reciprocate. Knowing you, you probably wouldn't even comprehend my emotions based on how I convey them.
A memory flashes in my mind. It's indistinct, and I nearly had forgotten about it. I wanted to, anyway. We were seventeen in this memory and the reason I wanted to forget was because bearing the thought of you caring for me was too much, and I was too unknown to the idea of it all. The idea of emotions and expressing them.
I lay on the tree where you usually are, solemn. You seem bored, and spot me where our tree is. You arrive next to me, looking questionably at me. I was sure that you were wondering why I was in such a state. After all, it is usually you who is detached. You sat next to me, staying silent. I mellow in my feelings for a while, and attempt to reflect on them. The emotions I believe are sadness, frustration, and love are all caused by a singular culprit; the culprit is you, I could never feel them towards you though, just towards myself. I do cause them, the love, which turns to frustration, and then, most of all, sadness. Sorrow, desperation, defeat. I could never win your heart, and I settled with that long ago, but it still pains me. I look at you, and it floods me with shame and embarrassment. Why should I burden you with my emotions? You do not need to witness my messed up feelings, the feelings which are too indistinct for me to express. Too difficult to express to the one I love the most- you. Tears brim in my eyes after my shallow attempts for them to not. You hardly see me cry, and I haven't cried in front of you since we were children. You glance at me from the corner of your eye, only to see me watching you. Your eyes widen slightly, most likely due to my display of emotions. You don't yell at me or tell me to stop like you usually do, but instead you hold out your hand limply on the grassy floor. I take it, and close my fingers around your hand. I may have held onto your hand tighter than I meant to, because you flinched slightly. Nonetheless, you still let me hold your hand. You didn't hold mine back, though. I held on to you, but you did not hold on to me. You never looked at me during this moment, when I took your hand. Though as the time continues to run, you hold my hand a little tighter, within each passing half hour. We stay together for quite some time, and as the artificial sun lowers, I can only help but look at the one star that's brightened my universe, that has brought joy. As sleep overtakes me, we hold each other's hands. That had been the best sleep I ever got, the serenity of being with you always working. When I woke up, we were still by each other's side, but hugging each other for warmth. I hadn't wanted to bother you, so I staved still while examining your features, like I had done so over a thousand times. Your warmth, your heartbeat. Everything I cherished in that moment, everything about you was beautiful. But you are not mine. You were not, are not, and will never be. It's too late after all, isn't it? The embrace you had given me was breathtaking, and that is why I want so badly for me to forget it. I will never receive it again, and if I do, it would never be from you. When you were in your wake, I told you I loved you. You didn't reply, and it may be due to the lighting, but I think I saw the tips of your ears redden. You still didn't reply though. Instead, you handed me a drawing of us. You weren't detailed, but I could tell it was you based on the details. The markings on your face, the messiness of your hair. As for me, in contrast to you, I am especially detailed. You had drawn me so beautifully that I almost forgot. that I believed I had indefinite flaws. I had wondered, at the time, why you hardly draw yourself and why you drew me of all people, including the fact that we were drawn together. I had never seen you draw yourself unless it was asked of you to do a self-portrait. I put my head on your shoulder, and you didn't push off. We dissipated into each other's warmth once more, and I listened to your heartbeat again. I wish nothing but to experience the feeling of soaring love I feel in this moment with you again. In my view, you are my soulmate. I know you do not want me either as a platonic or romantic one, so I cannot have you. I neve will. Finally, once you had shrugged against me, pushing me off, it was because Mizi was near.
Forever, I had acknowledged then, you will choose her over me.
I know you grew tired of me, because we never had sweet moments like that ever again. You never responded with the same love or adoration I had given you.
Only when I had provoked you, that is when you reciprocated whatever I felt for you. The same passion. You remained by my side, or rather, I stayed by yours, despite being unwanted. I know you don't care for me as much as you cared for Mizi, so you'll be fine. I could never live without you, but you can survive without me. Once more, I thank you for being a victim of my shallow emotions, Till.
I am thankful to be graced by you. I love you, Till.
Ivan
Till-(After Round 6)
Dear Ivan,
I know our souls are in love, but I cannot bring myself to love you if you still remain to love me. I know you loved me, and I have known, yet I cannot love you out of fear. You were never my savior, nor my universe. None of those apply to you. However, I cannot imagine a life without you. You were always at my side, and I was never at yours. I always pushed you away, and you continued to persist. That was our rhythm. You never pushed me away, and I never persisted. You were my friend, though, and I cherish you. I still wish you could be with me, like before. I miss you, and your antics. I miss how you would listen to me and stay with me no matter what. I’ve never known someone like you, and now that I reflect, I was never as close to someone as I was with you. I was afraid, though. The last time I had been cared for and loved the way I loved them, I was taken away from them. I had feared that if I loved you the way you loved me, it would be a repetition. I could not afford to lose you, but I already lost you, who loved me in a way no one had before, nor, I believe, no one else will.
I once heard you tell me that you loved me. Those were your exact words, once you thought I was asleep and came to lie next to me. At first, I felt disgusted and confused. You didn’t even consider us friends and you were well aware of my feelings for Mizi. I later understood that you only told me that since you thought I was resting. No matter how hard I tried, I could not forget your words. If I wasn’t, I would’ve become upset with you, as well as cold, and stalked away without giving your words an empty thought. I would've thought they were meaningless. That is what I concluded after accepting how our minds think. When I am asleep, that is when you can tell me your feelings. I lived with that for years, but never acknowledged your words truly. Now I will, and continue to live. I hadn’t acknowledged your words because they pained me, and, I might add, disgusted me. Not towards you, but to myself. Envy that you could say these words to someone while I am too afraid to even acknowledge my own feelings. I cannot even voice my platonic feelings towards you, so how could I tell you my romantic feelings? The fact you loved me, out of all people, disgusted me as well. You loved me, a person who has been used and abused. It baffled me. How could you, the most apparently beautiful person, love me? You’re too good for me. I am bound to achieve nothing, while you are destined to achieve everything. You’re capable of achieving so much, and you’re wasting it on me. Ivan. You know how much of a horrible person I am, and you still choose to be with me. Why, Ivan? If I were to be honest, your beauty never rivalled Mizi’s. In my eyes, she was always more beautiful. Although, I think your smile-your true one- was the best thing I ever saw. The smile you seemingly showed only me. To me, that was truly beautiful. I wasn’t lonely nor sad when I was with you, those were feelings I had before I had when I was taken from my mom. When I had known I’d go against you, I hadn’t felt those feelings, either. When I saw Mizi missing or dead, those emotions flooded back to me, as if my elation never existed, it vanished completely. That made me hopeless, initiating my feelings of sacrificing myself for you. Because of that, you sacrificed yourself for me. That thought makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe in another universe we aren’t doomed, we are bound together. Destined to love each other forever without a care in the world.
Since you passed, I’ve thought of you, mainly. Everytime I thought of you, I would dig my nails into the palms of my hands due to hatred towards myself. I robbed you of having actual love. If you had told me, I would’ve reciprocated, and you could’ve moved on. Instead I didn’t, afraid to confront your feelings. I’ll admit, though, that we were both bad at communication. Confronting your feelings -you would’ve just brushed them off, saying I was dreaming- we’re both afraid to do that. It would make us vulnerable, and you were always guarded. I was too afraid, and you were too guarded. That’s our dynamic. If we hadn’t just done mindless fighting and either enduring the teasing or the initiator, we could’ve become more intimate with each other, ultimately. I know you were always there for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to be there for you.
I cared for you, just not as much as you wanted me to.
I’ll win. For you, Ivan.
From, Till