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His mind was buzzing the longer he stayed aware of everything. The land trying to push at his instincts enough that Cardan could feel the energy nearly shimmering around him. The cheers and attention of his people. The fear that some of them had. He could feel the poison that he’d scorched into the land and he could feel the blood soaking into the soil.
His heart was beating too fast. His hands were shaking. He closed his eyes and all Cardan could see was his own serpent form rotting on the ground. The massive size and the black scales. He knew what it was like to move it. He knew what it was like to be that.
To be a monster.
There was bile in his throat. Something that was curling uncomfortably in his gut and he felt like he needed to scrub his body down again. Like he had to scrape it all from his skin so that he would be able to free himself. So that he could move on.
He shouldn’t be struggling to move on.
The world looked blurry each time he opened his eyes. His heart catching in his throat at the thought that maybe none of this was real. That he was simply wishing his life to be returned to him and he was still stuck inside that body. The black scales instead of skin. The—
He heard a page announce Jude to the room. His eyes meeting hers immediately and he hoped she could see the burning of his gaze. He wanted her at his side. He wanted her to be with him. To allow him to feel safe.
She had left him to clean alone. He knew that it was likely due to something else entirely but he couldn’t help the small churning of his stomach at the thought that he was going to be left with her anger again. That she had found in him what the curse showed and decided she wanted nothing more to do with him. She had seen him be cruel. She had experienced it.
She had stayed all the times before.
And yet it was Cardan who scraped his blood from his skin. Who sat in the water and counted his fingers and toes. Who washed himself over and over and over until his skins as tinged raw.
He couldn’t tell it apart from the blood. He kept scrubbing.
Until he was dragging himself clear of the water and forcing his body to obey him. He was exhausted. He wasn’t feeling well.
He had to be King.
Cardan went to where his people wanted him to be. He was stuck. Listening to laughter and forcing himself to play along. There was a weight settled in his chest that made him feel nearly like he was being crushed but he couldn’t stop it. He didn’t even know for certain what was causing it. He just knew that he wanted it to stop and the only way to make things stop from hurting him was to be with Jude.
It felt as if there were knives digging into his skin from all angles. Like he was being carved into piece by little piece. The buzzing in his head turned louder. His heart beating heavy like it was trying to push a rock through his veins. He was getting dizzy despite his seat.
And then the meat came out. Plates and platters and all of it filled high with meat that he already knew what it was.
Snake.
Serpent.
Him.
Jude was making a face and then her eyes were back on him. He couldn’t stop the surprised laugh it pulled out of him. He was nervous, he was on edge. The smile wouldn’t leave his face. Laughter was easy. It was easier than the screams he wanted to give.
Faeries all around him were eating the meat. He could feel their teeth against his skin. He could feel them cutting in with forks and knives. He could feel all of it. The body being carved and skinned. The meat being torn and cooked.
He was too warm. Too hot to be in this room and while he knew he was speaking still Cardan barely paid the words any mind. He was just needing to get out. To get away from everything while he still could and pretend that none of it was happening. That it wasn’t real. That he was safe.
That he was fine.
He wasn’t a snake. He was no longer a serpent and he was no longer trapped. Jude had saved him and he was alright. He thought about what stories he had seen. People who lost their limbs and could still feel it. He wondered if that was what was happening to him. If he could feel it even though it was no longer there. If he could feel his true body even though he was stuck in a snake.
A courtier ran their hand along his shoulder and back and Cardan was standing before he realized it. The room was nearly spinning around him but he grabbed for the wine in front of him. Drinking all of the chalice in one breath before he was turning and leaving the room.
He needed to get out. He needed to breathe. He couldn’t keep smelling the cooked snake meat or he was going to make himself ill in front of all of his people. He had already been covered in his own blood in front of them once today, he had no need to make them see him drenched in his own fluids again so soon.
In moments he was stumbling into the room behind the throne. Allowing himself to gasp and reach a hand to his heart. Trying to feel for it to will himself to breathe and calm down. To remind himself that he was in fact still alive and that he had not been killed in that clearing. That yes, Jude had removed his head. She had freed him.
He was safe.
He was home in the palace. He was trying to see why that felt so odd for him to think. Why it felt like it was ill placed amidst his thoughts. Why he felt like he was suffocating inside of himself.
Poison? A dredge of the curse they hadn’t realized until now? Was his death only delayed? Was he still connected to the serpent so truly that the carving and feasting of it would kill him as well?
He had wanted to tell Jude again how he loved her. He had known her. He’d seen her. How she had cried. How she had stayed with him.
He wanted to tell her. He needed to tell her.
Lest he never have a chance again.
“Cardan?”
Her voice muffled through his ears but her hand was on his back and she felt like salvation against the anguish blurring his senses.
“Cardan, are you alright?”
She was here. Jude was here and the word of home in his thoughts no longer felt like a poison. It felt like truth to admit. He shook his head dumbly. His mouth watering as he tried to push her away. As he bent over himself and to the side and his stomach was emptying out to the floor. Jude did not back away. She did not run and she did not back in disgust.
She held him. Supporting him and helping to take his weight when he was heaving on an empty stomach and felt too weak to hold himself. She was pulling him upright and against her. She was allowing him to lean. Brushing his hair from his face and Cardan looked at her. Tears in his eyes.
He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.
“Cardan?”
“I love you.”
He watched tears form in her eyes as well.
“I love you too.” Her fingers stroked his cheek. “Are you alright?”
He could not lie to her. He shook his head no.
“I feel it.” He saw the puzzlement on her expression. “The serpent. My body. I feel it. I still feel all of it. I can’t—”
His words cut off with a gag. Jude staying close. Rubbing her hand up and down his back and trying to ease him.
“I am afraid.”
He would admit it to her. Only to her. Always to her.
“Of what?”
There was fear in her voice as well.
“That this is not real. That I am dead or still cursed. That I am not with you or that—”
Her hand cupped his face. Guiding him to look up at her. To see her.
“This is real. All of this is real. You are safe. You are alive. We are alive. Together. I will not leave you.”
She could still lie. She could—
“I love you, Cardan.”
She held him against her. Protecting him from the feelings and emotions swirling through him. The anguish he could still feel through a body that was no longer his. The fear that ran rampant through his heart.
“I’m don;t know what to apologize for first.” Her words were soft. He looked up at her. She offered him a wet and tired smile. “Cutting off your head or hesitating so long to do it.” Her fear looked so strong. “I didn’t want to lose what little there was left of you. And I can’t quite think past how wondrous it is that you’re alive.”
Cardan blinked.
“You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words.” He chuckled. He began to forget the pain. “You don’t want me dead.”
Jude scowled at him.
“If you joke about this, I am going to—”
“Kill me?”
It was normal for them. A comfort for them. A reminder that they were alive. That the pain was done.
And they had survived.