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“I think the Void will show our greatest fears and regrets,” Walker says as they stand over its edge. It is creeping up towards them, ready to swallow them whole. “It’s what I saw when Bob held me.”
Bucky glances over at him but says nothing. He’s had nightmares about his regrets. He’s done a lot of work to move past said regrets in his life. Therapy, meditation, apologies—he’s done it all. Surely, he will be fine.
Then, the Void gets even closer.
“Be careful in there,” Alexei says. “Find my daughter.”
They all take a step forward.
When Bucky opens his eyes, he’s staring straight into the Winter Soldier’s.
He takes in the surroundings in front of him, and there’s a sinking feeling in his chest as he realizes where he is. He knows this alley. He knows this neighborhood. He knows what’s about to happen.
“No…” he says, but his words could barely make it out.
The Winter Soldier looks straight ahead, his metal arm raised. He holds a gun steadily in his hand, pointing it somewhere behind Bucky.
Then, he pulls the trigger.
Bucky whips around. Behind him… behind him is Becca.
Bucky almost throws up.
It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real, he chants internally to himself. Except, it had been real. Decades ago.
Becca’s screams echo through the alley.
Bucky swallows. His first instinct is to step in front of the gun and attack the Winter Soldier, but he knows that it’s useless. He doesn’t try to change the result of the Winter Soldier’s actions.
It’s in the past. He has learned to accept that, at least. He’s worked so hard to acknowledge and live with what he’s done, but the guilt still eats at him, which is exactly what the Sentry wants.
That thought snaps Bucky back to reality.
Right, this is only an illusion to feed off people’s fears. He has to remember that.
Bucky steps to the side, allowing the illusion to loop again.
He doesn’t look back at Becca, of course. He may have made significant progress with his healing, but he had no desire to relive this memory so vividly. He glances to his right, staring at the window next to him.
A reflection of something else entirely stares back at him.
A little girl.
He blinks.
Somewhere behind him, Becca screams again.
He closes his eyes and jumps through the window.
A group of little girls stand in line in front of him.
He knows what this is.
Black Widows, he thinks. Although, they’re not black widows yet. They have to prove themselves first.
The Winter Soldier stands in the middle of the room, his mask covering the lower half of his face as usual. He has no weapons on him. This is a hand-to-hand combat exercise.
“You may begin,” says the headmaster.
The first girl in line walks up to the Winter Soldier. She squares her shoulders and looks up at the masked monster in front of her.
She lunges.
The Winter Soldier knocks her out of the air with his metal arm.
The girl crashes into the wall. Immediately, her head bleeds and she’s knocked unconscious.
Bucky’s not entirely sure if she survives after that hit. He’s certain he doesn’t want to know.
He watches as the second girl takes a step forward, her red hair tied up in a ponytail as she lifts her fists up in front of her.
Natasha.
This is the first of their many encounters.
He knows she will survive this and all their future encounters, but he still can’t help but wince as the Winter Soldier delivers a blow to her stomach.
Natasha slides across the ground, but she recovers quickly—faster than most adults would. She’s always been a good fighter. Bucky remembers as much.
She glares at the Soldier and runs forward, ready to hit him. The Soldier stares blankly at her and takes a step to the side. He reaches out to grab her by the arm just as she passes him, unable to slow down.
The Soldier lifts her and throws her across the room.
Natasha is able to roll it off, reducing the potential damage to her spinal cord. But she’s exhausted, in pain, and unable to get up.
Bucky knows she will be punished for this later. He doesn’t want to stick around and watch.
He takes a deep breath and walks over to the door just behind the Winter Soldier, bracing himself for whatever memory awaits him this time.
He finds himself in a nice clearing with the sun shining above him.
It’s quiet. Birds chirp softly in the trees. There’s a wooden bench a few feet away, and the breeze is warm against his skin.
It’s a far cry from the settings of his memories as the Winter Soldier. In fact, HYDRA never even let him out in the daylight. The only time they did was for his last mission—when he was made to go after Steve.
Steve.
Suddenly, it hits him. Where he is. What this is about.
This is the one memory that he has yet to make his peace with.
“No, no, no,” Bucky says, looking around the clearing. He can’t watch this. He can’t.
It’s the least violent memory yet, but it’s a memory he has shoved so far back that he never even gave himself the time to come to terms with it. Bucky searches for a window or a door—anything he can throw himself through so he can live through any other memory. Anything but this.
There are footsteps behind him. He turns to see himself walking alongside Steve.
Bucky’s heart sinks.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Steve says. “How are you holding up?”
Past-Bucky smiles at him. “Better. And you?”
“I’m okay.” Steve sighs. They stop right before the bench, and he turns to face Past-Bucky. “I have to talk to you about something,”
Bucky stands off to the side, watching them. He knows what Steve is about to say. He can feel his heart sinking even deeper.
Steve looks at Past-Bucky with that soft look. The one that made Bucky once believe—just for a second—that maybe he wasn’t the only one holding something in.
“I have to tell you something too, Stevie,” Past-Bucky says, “but you can go first.” Because Bucky has always been an idiot, especially when it came to Steve.
Steve licks his lips, looking down. “Buck, I… I’m thinking of staying in the past. With Peggy.”
Past-Bucky blinks. “What?”
Are you fucking kidding me? is what Past-Bucky is really thinking in this situation. Bucky remembers that all too well.
Steve scratches the back of his neck and laughs awkwardly. “I know I probably sound stupid, but I… I saw her while I was in the past, Buck. While I was with Tony. And I really miss her. I do.”
“You knew her for 2 years,” Bucky mutters under his breath, even though Steve can’t hear him. “And spoke to her in person for, like, a week at most.”
“You miss her,” Past-Bucky repeats, dumbfounded. His anger doesn’t show. It never does, throughout the course of this memory, because Bucky can never really be mad at Steve. He’s never known how to.
“I just wanted to ask if you were okay with it,” Steve says. “I know that you’re new to this century, and I know how difficult it is to adjust…”
Steve may as well have offered Bucky a gun and asked if Bucky could shoot himself with it.
“If that’s what you want, Stevie,” Past-Bucky says. “I’m okay with whatever makes you happy.”
Steve smiles at him softly. “Thanks, Buck. I really appreciate it.”
Finally, Bucky grabs Steve. He’s shocked that he’s actually able to physically hold him. The mere act of touching Steve suddenly makes the memory all too real. He’s gripping Steve’s shoulders tightly. His lip trembles.
“Why would you leave me?!” Bucky asks. The knuckles on his right hand turn white. “Why would you leave me for her?”
Steve’s smile falters, and suddenly, he’s staring right at Bucky. Not at Past-Bucky, no, but at Bucky himself.
“She was easier to love,” he says.
Bucky recoils.
“What—” he sputters out. This isn’t part of the memory. Steve hadn’t been thinking that… had he?
“She wasn’t a monster,” Steve continues. “I didn’t have to fix her. I didn’t have to deal with her awful past.”
Bucky stares at him, lips parted in surprise. Then, when he finds his words, he begs, “Stevie, please.”
Steve sneers at him. “You think I didn’t know what you wanted from me? You think I didn’t know what you wanted to confess just now?”
“He knew all this time,” Past-Bucky murmurs. “He just didn’t want to deal with it.”
Bucky turns to face himself, horror twisting in his gut. “Don’t say that.” He looks at Steve again. “Stevie, please, I loved you. I love you.”
Steve rolls his eyes and steps back. “You disgust me.”
Bucky flinches. The dam breaks, and a tear rolls down his face. The sun shining above him flickers, and the world tilts ever so slightly. The grass is wilting beneath him, and suddenly he can hear Steve laughing at him.
Bucky closes his eyes. “Steve,” he whispers as the tears fall. “You don’t mean that. Please.” But deep inside, he fears that’s what Steve had been thinking this whole time. He could not find any other explanation for why Steve could leave him so easily.
Then, a hand clamps down his shoulder.
A real one.
“Winter Soldier,” a gruff voice says. “You cannot die here.”
Bucky turns around to see Alexei. He takes a deep breath and wipes away the tears on his cheek.
“You found me,” he says, dazed. The world slowly begins to go back to normal. The sun shines properly again and the grass grows back into its healthy green.
“We must go,” Alexei says.
Bucky looks back at Steve and Past-Bucky, then he shakes his head. “Yes, of course,” he says to Alexei.
Alexei pulls him away from his past, gripping his wrist firmly. “Winter Soldier,” he says. Bucky knows he means well, but he flinches at the name nonetheless. Alexei continues, “Whatever the Captain said in this memory is not real, da?”
Bucky takes a deep, shaky breath and nods. “I know.”
Except, he’s not so sure if he does.
When Yelena finally asks how everyone did in their own respective trauma loops, Bucky only laughs it off. They don’t have to know the kind of burdens he carries.
After all, if Steve hadn’t been able to understand it, how will they?