Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It started on an otherwise ordinary Tuesday afternoon. He had been at a local market, searching for fresh fruits and spices to use in some new recipes Bobby had recommended to him. There was one stall that he passed; one that he normally wouldn't even notice. He only stopped because there was a teddy that he thought Jee Yun would like. It was an elephant made out of crochet, in a mix of pastel colours, not too dissimilar to a character he remembered seeing in Winnie the Pooh.

He cleared his throat to get the attention of the owner, whose back was turned, probably sorting through stock at the back. They spun around with a smile on their face, and revealed a fascinating outfit.

They were wearing a long flowy black skirt....with a ruffled shirt? And a waistcoat, with leather work boots? Their forearms were covered in bracelets. Buck recognised a few as pride flags, specifically the one coloured like the bi flag. Their hair was dyed bright pink, with subtle streaks of red throughout, whilst being styled into what he believed was a mullet. He took a few moments to notice that they also had several piercings across their ears, as well as their face.

He'd never seen someone so unabashedly themself.

"Hi there! How can I help you?" it wasn't surprising they spoke in such a cheery way.

"Uhh, how much is the elephant?"

"That will be twenty five dollars! Anything else catch your fancy?" they gestured with a wide sweep of their arms to the piles of other crocheted animals.

Buck automatically went to say no, but his eyes got caught on something else. A badge they were wearing. 

'My pronouns are they/he' written over the top of what he assumed was a pride flag of some kind.

The owner noticed where his gaze had travelled to, and they very subtly tensed.

"Sorry!" Buck rushed to not upset them any further, "I've just never seen that flag before. Or, well, a badge like that with pronouns. I'm still new to learning about the community. I'm so sorry for staring!"

"Breathe hun, it's alright. You're a baby gay then?" They smiled with a teasing lilt.

"Heh, yeah. Only realised recently that I'm bisexual."

"Well congratulations." He bowed dramatically with a flourish that had Buck wondering if they had been a theatre kid, "and welcome."

They started bagging the elephant, whilst Buck searched for his wallet amongst his shopping bags.

"By the way, the flag on this badge is the nonbinary flag."

"Nonbinary?"

"Yup. A simple explanation is that if man and woman are the binary, nonbinary just isn't. Some people say they're not any gender, some view it as a combination of the whole spectrum."

Huh. That made a lot of sense.

"Oh wow. Thankyou for explaining." Buck beamed at them once he finally found his card.

"No problem. I love when folks are curious instead of automatically hateful."

"Do you mind if I ask about the pronouns then?"

The owner chuckled at that.

"Shoot!"

"Well...I've seen pronoun badges before, but never one with two different kinds. Also haven't ever met someone that goes by 'they', either."

"I see, well yeah a lot of people mix and mash pronouns. I used to go by he/she/they, until I realised she just felt....wrong."

"How can you tell if it feels wrong though? Like doesn't everyone just not really process pronouns? Not to invalidate you!"

They tilted his head at Buck. There was something on his face that the firefighter could not translate for the life of him.

"No it's okay. I get what you mean. I guess I just felt different when someone called me he or they. It finally felt good!" 

Buck mulled that over during the transaction, hesitating when he was about to tap his card on the reader. His eyes caught a dalmation, that had its spots coloured the same as that badge. It was nonbinary colours.

"Could I throw in that dog too?"

They turned to see what he was pointing at, his face softening drastically.

"Of course, you can have that second one half price, too."

Buck walked away from that stall with two crochet plushies, a business card, and a crisis. 

————

Jee Yun absolutely adored her new elephant friend, refusing to put it down for hours. It was hilarious to watch Chim attempt to wrangle it out of her arms for bath time. In the end, Buck promised to keep it company with cuddles on the sofa, until she charged back in to retrieve it for bed. He's over the moon that he was able to make his niece so happy. One smile from her could always make his entire week better.

His own teddy had found a home on his bed. While he'd had a few stuffed animals around in his loft, most of them had resided on a shelf. Now, at his new place, aka Eddie's old house, they'd either been thrown out or were still in boxes in the garage. It had been over two decades since he cuddled with one to sleep, or even became properly attached.

It seemed to be a combination of the heavenly, soft wool it had been made with, alongside the special meaning it held. Not that he was willing to touch said meaning with a ten foot pole. For now, he would be content with rubbing the dalmation against his cheek after a rough day.

Oh, did he mention that he gave them a name? (And pronouns)

Vee.

They/them. It only seemed fair.

At first, the whole idea sounded ridiculous even in his own head, but slowly Buck warmed up to referring to his plush with those pronouns. Only by himself of course. No one else could know. 

Because they'd make fun of such a dumb, silly, little thing. That's definitely why.

On a completely unrelated note, he had been researching. Research binges certainly weren't a new thing for him, just ask Eddie, but this one felt different. It felt like every new fact he learned, something loosened in his chest. Almost like slowly attempting to thread a needle, finally seeing individual strands of thread slip through, waiting for when you could grab enough to yank the rest through as well.

He learnt about the nonbinary label. About neopronouns. About being genderfluid. Agender. Bigender. Genderqueer. The many people that were just unlabelled, and happy with it.

Unlike usual, Buck did not share his new knowledge with every available pair of ears in the vicinity. He kept it to himself.

He's not sure why (yes he is).

Maybe it's just because Eddie wasn't there. He was normally the one that tolerated his rants the most (a truth yes, but not all of it).

No one noticed anything off, so it was fine (he's gotten too good at hiding).

Every morning, Buck said goodbye to Vee, with a pat on the head. Sometimes, he took them around the house with him, during his morning routine. He would look in the mirror after flossing, practising his newfound vocabulary:

"This is Vee, they go by they/them pronouns."

Again, dumb.

It helped some deep, unidentifiable part of him though, so it stayed.

————

Work was normal, for the most part. Buck couldn't help but overthink every single interaction. He tried not to focus on what exactly was tripping him up all of a sudden.

"Where's Buck?"

" He's in the locker room."

What if....

"Go give these to Buck, please."

"Sure thing, I saw him just a second ago."

What if just once....

"Did Buck leave this here?"

"Yup he keeps leaving his gear everywhere."

What if they called him something else? Not the name; he chose that himself and it's always felt more right than Evan ever did.

Buck kept thinking back to what he told Nick (the name of that stall owner, he'd found out through their Instagram page). He said that being referred to with a pronoun had no effect on him. That he didn't feel bad about it.....but he also didn't feel good, or "right". All it would take is just once being called she, or they, or it, or anything else. Then he'd know for sure, that he just doesn't care about that stuff. If it was so easy, why couldn't he just ask someone to say it?

Then came a certain call.

It was a small fire at an average house, and they got everyone out in time. The family consisted of a single mother with three kids. One was an infant, the other two were ten year old twins. The boy twin was hovering over his baby sister, 'helping' Hen with the checkup. 

Buck strolled over to the girl twin, sitting on the sidewalk with her, watching the scene play out.

"You okay?"

She continued to stare down at the tarmac of the road.

"It's okay if not. Fires can be really scary. Even I get anxious."

"Really? But you're a firefighter?" She still didn't look at him, murmuring just barely loud enough for him to pick up on.

"Yeah, but I'm also just human. Fire is a scary thing, because it can hurt us. It gets very hot, especially with all these layers on."

She peered over at him briefly, with a tiny smile on her face.

"I'll be okay, I think."

"That's good! You'll have your brother and your mum to help, don't forget that."

"Yeah!" She threw her arms around his neck to squeeze him in a hug, "thanks mister!"

Buck tried to chuckle, apparently doing a poor job of hiding his wince.

"Oh. Miss?"

Buck grinned uncertainly.

"Okay bye miss!!"

"Bye bye." He waved until she could no longer see him. 

How did that make him feel? He thinks he quite liked it. No crazy feeling of "right", yet something had felt different.

He guessed that was the innocence of children for you. Mr was wrong? Why not try Miss? Or Ma'am? Or Mrs? Perfectly logical to them. They never cared what you looked like. At most, they'd ask you point blank, curious about something, someone, they had never seen before.

Buck glanced around, and the only one who seemed to have caught any of that interaction was Hen. She gave him a fond glance, clearly finding him entertaining the poor girl to be wholesome, endearing. At least she didn't suspect anything else, not that there was anything to suspect. Right?

On the way back to the station, Buck could not stop fidgeting, which wasn't totally abnormal for him, but even this was extreme.

"You alright there Buckaroo? Looks like you're going through a sugar rush there." Chimney teased, bumping shoulders with his brother-in-law.

"Yeah! Yeah, sorry just feeling antsy I guess. I hope that family will be okay."

Chim squinted at him when he didn't respond with banter, their usual flow never able to begin. Great, now Hen looked suspicious too. Those two teamed up was never a good thing for whoever they were after.

Just as he suspected, he was cornered a few hours later, right near the end of their shift. He had just finished getting changed back into his civilian clothes, turning around only to jump at Hen being barely a foot away from him, with Chimney on his toes to peer over her shoulder.

"Buckley. What's wrong." It was more of a demand than a question.

Buck merely sighed in response, leaning over to sling his bag over his shoulder. He couldn't let them get under his skin, no matter how caring or meaningful their intentions were. He had to figure this out on his own.

"Nothing is wrong. Just slept bad last night. So can I please go home to collapse on my beautiful bed, that is currently calling my name?"

"You know you don't need to lie to us, right?" Chim moved closer to place a soothing hand on Buck's arm.

"Yeah like Chim said, we're just a bit worried. Since that call earlier you've been off. Haven't seen you like this since Eddie first left."

He had to forcibly stop himself from wincing at the reminder of his best friend's departure.

"I promise that if anything happens, I will tell you. Okay? You've just gotta trust me on this and give me time."

"So there is something then?"

Shit.

They both smirked at him in triumph, though there was an obvious underlying tension there. Concern.

"Ugh fine. There's sorta something I'm dealing with. It's a me thing that I'd like to keep that way. Sorry, I just think it will be easier."

"Alright, that's fair. You're allowed to have secrets." Hen wrapped him in a warm hug, "Just don't forget that we are here whenever you need us."

"Exactly! You're my brother now, man. Gotta support you in whatever way I can."

Buck hated that such a sweet sentiment, being declared officially family, not just legally, was tainted by something he couldn't fully grasp yet. He kept his reaction internal though, finally bidding them both goodbye.

"Tell Maddie that I'm not ready to tell her either. It really is just a me thing!"

That was the last thing he called out back over his shoulder, receiving a faint laugh for his efforts.

————

Buck's next weekend off found himself in a shopping mall across the city. 

It wasn't an overly big place, the crowds being manageable, considering it was a Saturday. Most importantly, there was next to no chance of running into anyone he knew. 

He tried to act confident, then found that too weird, so settled on casual, and somewhat disinterested. It probably came across as more shy than anything else. He had never been in shops like these, not even since coming out as bi.

The first one was a pride themed shop, selling everything was flags to self-help books on coming out to your family. His hands hovered over a book titled: Who's Afraid of Gender?. After nearly ten minutes of lingering, he finally picked it up and skimmed through the first few pages. It was a bit too political to be helpful for his current crisis, but he was definitely hooked. That became his first purchase of the day.

Next, he wandered over to a unisex clothing store. He had been in many of these before, due to living in LA of all places, yet he had never actually bought anything that would be considered "different" for a man to wear. Honestly, he'd never put too much thought into how he dressed. Whatever was comfortable was usually the go to option. Recently he had been loving wearing a pink cardigan he had owned for years. It was soft, light, cooling and frankly looked cute. Ever since Tommy's insistence that he can be adorable, Buck had realised he didn't have to dress akin to a big, macho gym bro (not that he acted much like one anyways, always comfortable with doing soft, so called "feminine" things).

He explored the sale section, flicking through the usual shirts he often found himself in, until he stopped on a crop top. It was a loose grey t-shirt that would hang just above his navel. There was nothing overly fancy about it, the sleeves baggy enough to cover most of his biceps. To other people it wouldn't seem much, to Buck it was a huge change. Recently he felt a bit insecure about his stomach. With all his body building, he looked a lot rounder down there, which he knew was healthy, and due to gaining mass. It didn't help on those quiet, lonely nights in front of the mirror though.

Carefully picking up the top, Buck figured that would be it.

On his way to the counter near the back of the shop, a skirt caught his eye. 

A skirt.

He had never worn a skirt before. Hadn't even thought about it. Now he was here, actually letting himself consider the possibility......and he didn't hate it.

The particular piece that caught his eye was maroon with a plaid design covering it. Holding it against his legs, it seemed that the skirt would comfortably fall just below his knees. He could already imagine an oversized sweatshirt in his wardrobe that would go great with it.

Only when Buck was at the till, paying for his items, did he start to consider what his family would think. There would undoubtedly be questions. Questions that he certainly did not have the answers for. Would they view him differently? Judge him? Tell him to put something else on? Be a man? Would his sister feel uncomfortable with Jee being around him? Would Eddie, his straight, ex-army best friend, with alpha male levels of protectiveness inside him, turn his nose up at him?

He numbly walked out after paying, not really processing anything. He found a bench to sit on and tried to calm his breathing.

There was a buzz from his phone.

Desperate for a distraction from his own brain, Buck opened up his Instagram to see that Nick had replied to the message he'd sent them the night before. He'd taken weeks to build up the courage, and it seemed to have been worth it.

Buck

Hi! Sorry if this is weird, just wanted to say thx for bein so cool with everything and helping me learn new stuff!!

Nick

Yo!! Np at all

Awesome to hear from you, how you liking the plushies? x

Buck

My niece LOVED the elephant 

Nick

Awww, what abt the dalmation?

Buck

They are safe at home on my bed lol

New best friend i fear

Nick

Omg yassss!!!

I regularly cuddle with like

 five teddies at home

Did u name them?

Buck

Yeah, Vee

Nick

Luv it!!! x

Buck

Ur really sweet yk

Sorry if that came off wrong!!!! I jjst really mean it in a friendly way :(

Nick

Lmao ur good, dw!

Hey, would u wanna meet up some time?

I'd love to maybe hav a new friend

Buck

Yea me too, my sister is badgering me about it

My best friend moved recently

I found out i suck at socialising with anyone but him :,,(

Nick

Aw no! Its ok, i suck at socialising in general

We'll be a perfect pair :D

They made plans to meet up in a few days at a café near Buck's place. Nick had allowed him to step back from his stress, so now looking back at it, it seemed silly.

Who cares what he wears? His friends and family won't; they weren't like that.

————

Buck was starting to feel like an imposter.

Every time he saw his family, it felt like he was lying, constantly biting his tongue over this huge, earth-shattering secret. It didn't matter that he had not even figured it out for himself yet. He was always an open book, easy to trust, and easy for his friends to be open with. If he was living a lie, how could he be their friendly neighbourhood Buck?

Nick had caught wind of some of these thoughts, trying to bat them away before they could even take shape, but it was too much for one person to face. Buck would know.

The duo had now met up a few times, regularly texting, especially whenever either one was bored at work. He found out that Nick's main job was teaching art at a nearby primary school. They just enjoyed selling their creations on the side. He shared many activities they planned for classes, for Buck to try with Jee Yun, which had all been a massive hit so far; some just needed to be simplified, or Buck gave her extra help to complete it. In return, the firefighter planned safety lessons, and one time even visited in person to deliver a presentation on fire safety to Nick’s class.

It was always a good distraction to hang out with Nick, plus, Maddie could finally get off his back about making more friends. Not that he'd told her about them, because in Buck's mind that would mean having to explain the entire context of their friendship. He couldn't do that. Not yet. He couldn't make her lose another brother (ignoring the voice screaming in the back of his head about how she'd never think of this like that).

Apparently he had been accidentally avoiding her a little too much, judging by her currently standing in his kitchen; uninvited. Now, there was no problem with his sister visiting, but she was never one to invite herself over unannounced. That was his thing.

“So, I feel like it's been forever since we've gotten to hang out.”

“I'm round your house at least once a week?” Buck had his back to her, currently preparing two sandwiches, so whilst he couldn't see Maddie's expression, he certainly heard her exasperated, drawn out sigh.

“You're around babysitting my daughter, or running errands for us. I meant, I wanted to just chat, and see how you're doing. Any updates on Tommy? Or Eddie?”

He had to force down a wince.

“No, no updates there. I messaged Tommy, but he never responded to me. Not that I blame him. And Eddie? He's been busy reconnecting with Chris.”

“You're not talking?”

“You make it sound like we've had a friendship break up. We check in every couple of days. I'm sure we'll talk more soon.”

Buck finally carried their lunch to the dining table. His sister gave him a look he could not decipher.

“No more daily face-time dates?”

“They weren't-!” All it took was a single eyebrow raise, “Yeah okay. I guess not.”

There were a few moments of quiet, broken only by their chewing, and distant sounds of traffic.

“Chimney told you, didn't he?”

“Told me what?” Maddie didn't flinch.

“That somethings going on with me.”

She seemed relieved that for once he didn't beat around the bush, probably even coming in expecting to spend hours weaseling it out of him.

“Yes, he did. Him and Hen are worried about you. Do I need to be too?”

“No. I don't think so. It's not really, like, a bad thing? At least I don't think so, and I hope you agree.”

Maddie reached over to place a hand over his own in the centre of the table. She gave him a warm smile, the same one that guided him through his formative years.

“Right, of course you won't find it bad.”

“Exactly. So?”

“I still can't tell you. I'm sorry.”

“You don't ever have to tell me anything. Just never forget that you can , okay?” She shifted to interlock their pinkies.

“Of course. Thing is, I haven't even admitted it to myself yet.”

“I thought you said it wasn't a bad thing?” he nodded absently, “Then what's holding you back? Are you afraid?”

“Yeah. Even though it's not bad, it's still so overwhelming. You know how I am with change.”

“Is it changing? Or is it you finally not pretending something isn't real. Again.”

Ouch. Did she have to go there? Curse her for knowing Buck so well.

The conversation eventually drifted to lighter topics, until she had to leave to collect Jee from the Lees. Even after that, her words lingered in his mind. Repeating. Over and over.

This wasn't a new discovery.

This wasn't life altering.

This was exactly what realising he's bisexual felt like. It felt like coming home, looking in the mirror head on.

This was the answer to so many empty gaps in his life. To confusing interactions, painful rejections. It explained so much of that “other” feeling he'd always experienced. That he never admitted didn't go away, even after discovering his sexuality, despite how much he'd wanted it to.

Later that night, when he carefully moved Vee from his pillow to lay down, he paused. Buck stared into those thoughtless, plastic eyes.

“This is Vee. They use they/them pronouns.”

He switched off the light, then curled into a ball under the covers, with Vee clutched close to his chest. It took everything he had to whisper into the darkness:

“And so do I.”

Chapter Text

Buck was currently locked in a staring contest with his their mirror. A terrified pair of eyes met their own. This was crazy. Maybe he  they should take it off? Yeah, they could burn it. Well, no. It looked very nice and that would be wasteful. he They could donate it!! If anyone asked, it used to be Maddie's.

God, why was this so hard?

They were currently standing in the skirt they had bought a couple weeks ago, this being the first time they were free for long enough to try it on. They needed hours for this.

Their gaze had yet to fall below their collar bone. 

“Come on Buck. It's just fabric.”

Except it wasn't. It felt like this one thing had the power to define his their gender. They feel good? Well they shouldn't be influenced by a skirt, because men can wear skirts. They hate it? Well Nick didn't wear skirts and he's still nonbinary. Many women don't like skirts either. Why was this all so confusing??!!!

They huffed out a frustrated sigh, sitting down on their bed in a way that faced them away from the mirror.

Maybe they should just get used to the feeling of it first. Yeah! Keep it on whilst doing chores!

Buck clapped their hands together, and hopped back onto their feet, humming a tune as they went. They started off with laundry, where it was way easier to bend down to grab loose socks that were strewn across the carpet. Next they moved onto washing dishes, which made him them feel less overheated from the hot water, due to their legs having room to breathe. Even just dancing around the kitchen to the songs they were now singing aloud was more fun than usual. The skirt lifted ever so slightly with each spin, flowing in time with the tune blasting in Buck's head. Once they sat down on the sofa to watch TV whilst sorting through the mail, it was so much easier to get comfortable. Though, it was concerning to have to worry about flashing the world with one wrong move; luckily they're alone today.

Honestly, in the end, it was an accident.

Half the laundry was done, so Buck carried a basket up to the wardrobe in their bedroom to be put away.

That's when they saw.

They hadn't even been paying attention.

That's Evan Buckley in a skirt.

That's themself, in a skirt. A very pretty, comfortable skirt that they were right about matching with the sage green sweatshirt they also had on. A leather belt had also been added around their waist to tie the outfit together. It looked good if Buck does say so themself.

They braved turning back and forth to admire themself more, smirking in approval at how the fabric hugged his their ass just right. Nothing too scandalous, just enough to give them shape.

“I look kinda cute, actually.” Buck mused to themself, tempted to ask for a second opinion. 

Glancing at their phone that was laying on the bedside table, their mind immediately went to Eddie.

Then reality smacked them upside the head, reminding them why that was a god awful idea. For starters the man had no idea any form of Gender crisis was happening with them. Then there's the matter of him being far too busy to deal with any of this, seeing how he's currently trying to mend his relationship with Christopher all the way in Texas. 

Plus….what if he didn't like it? Didn't approve. It's one thing being okay with gay or bi people, but were trans people too far? Was nonbinary too far? Was Buck too far? Unlike when they realised they're bisexual, there was no framework to judge how supportive their best friend would be. They'd had Hen and Josh to cause any reactions from Eddie, which of course never happened.

Buck themself had only met a handful of openly trans people, and they're almost certain Eddie has met none.

Not that they are trying to bad mouth him! Not at all. Just, you never really know…and it would destroy them if their best friend of all people didn't accept who they are.

Anyways, none of that mattered, because they would simply never worry about telling him.

A notification chime broke them out of their spiralling.

Nick

Ugh I'm so booreeedddd

Buck smiled, happy for the more than welcome distraction.

Buck

What's up?

Aren't you meant to be at work?

Nick

I am! But it's an inset day for the kids, which means training for us :(

I alredy know all thus stuff

Buck

Hey at least it's not parents evening!!! :D

Nick

*shudder*

Ur so right

Buck

U did NOT just use asterisk on me

Nick

Crap

*runs*

Buck

You're insufferble

Nick

And yet I'm ur bestie

Buck

Uh no that's Eddie

Nick

Ur still on that?

U haven't figured it out?

Damn

Buck

Figured what out?

Nick

Dw abt it my fine furry fellow

What are u up to

Buck

Ur weird

Shouldn't you be pretending to 

be paying attention???

Nick

Why u dodging the question???

Buck

It's dumb

Nick

I'll be the judge of that

Now spill

Buck

I bought a skirt a while ago

I just tried it on for the first time

Nick

Ooo nice!

Wait

Is this the first time you've worn a skirt?

Buck

Yeah…

Nick

EEE IM SO SO PROUD OF YOU

Buck

Why tho?

It's just clothes, I don't get why 

I'm being so weird about it.

Nick

Uh oh not the full stop

Serious business

But gen that's downplaying it and

even u know it

Buck

I guess

But why should I care?

Shouldn't I ignore gender stereotypes and not be bothered cos they don't even matter?

Nick

In a dream world, yes

But u were still raised under them

They've been all around you ur entire life

It's hard to break out of

I still struggle

Buck

Yeah?

Nick

Yeah, so dw abt it

It's normal for this to feel huge

And scary

Just take it at ur own pace

Buck

Thanks dude

Nick

Np!

Now can I ask to see??

Or r u not there yet

8 minutes later

Nick

Buck it's OK if it's too much

I won't be upset

Sry if I crossed a line!

Buck

* sent an image*

Nick

WOWOWOWWOWOWWOWOW

OH MY GOD

SLAYYYYY

KING QUEEN GOD GODDESS

That colour is SO cute on u wth

Buck

Damn that was a bigger 

reaction than I expected

Nick

How can it not be big when u lookin hot af

Are those stockings I spy o-o

Buck

Heh yeah they were a last minute choice

Just old socks that were way longer than I originally thought, that I never ended up wearing, until now anyway

Nick

Well thnk the heavens u didn't 

get rid of em

Buck

Do I rlly look good?

Like ur not just saying that to be supportive

Nick

Mate if I didn't have a gf

I'd be flirting big time

Buck

Now THAT I'd like to see

Nick

Oh fuck off!!

Buck leaned back against the headboard of their bed, giggling to themself. They couldn't tell if it was out of genuine amusement, or all the bottled up stress being released.

They had successfully worn a skirt, and shown another living soul. And it went great. Amazing even. Hell, they got one hell of a confidence boost from today.

————

“Morning Buckaroo!” 

“Hi Hen.” Buck grinned at his their honorary sister, having just arrived at the station for the start of a shift. They'd bounded up the stairs to spot her sat at the table, Ravi and Chimney bickering over on the couch, and finally Bobby tinkering around the kitchen.

“Need any help Bobby?”

“No I'm nearly done, but setting the table would be handy.”

They gave a mock salute in response, swiftly getting to work.

“How was your weekend?”

Buck froze for less than a second, praying that Hen didn't notice. All their thoughts honed in on the skirt. The highlight of the 48 hours off they'd all just had.

“It was alright. Just caught up on chores around the house.”

Okay, good, stick to neutral topics. Don't lie, just omit the truth.

“Sounds relaxing honestly. We had to handle dentist appointments this week.”

“Damn how'd that go?”

“Nothing is wrong thankfully, just regular checkups. Mara has never been whilst with us so we were unsure what to expect. She was nervous but overall good as gold.”

The two of them continued chatting back and forth for the next ten minutes, during which Buck expertly dodged any questions about their own life.

When everyone gathered to eat as quickly as possible, before any alarms could go off, Buck caught Hen watching them from across the table. Her brows were slightly furrowed; a look of concentration.

Crap.

They started chanting the dreaded q word in their head, hoping that it would have the same effect as verbalising it. Thankfully, whatever deity is out there took pity on them today. 

Everyone groaned, speeding off towards their respective vehicles.

The call was routine: an elderly man had fallen off a stool onto his back, needing assistance to get back up. After breaking open the front door, Buck wasn't really needed so they hung back, round by the truck. They were in the middle of checking the water supply, when a woman that appeared to be in her thirties approached them.

“Excuse me sir?”

Ouch. They barely held back a flinch. Why did that feel somehow even worse than a few weeks ago?

“Yes? Are you alright?”

It turns out she was just a concerned neighbour, worried about the presence of so many firefighters. They were quick to reassure her that everything would be okay.

Sir.

Eventually the rest of their team filed out of the house, with the patient on a gurney.

Sir.

Buck helped load the man into the back of the ambulance, swiftly jogging back over to the truck to hop inside.

Excuse me sir.

Almost immediately after dropping that guy off to a hospital, they were all summoned to a three-alarm fire.

Sir.

Sir.

SIR-

“Buck!!!”

They physically shook themself to snap out of it. Nothing else apart from the fire mattered right now.

“You and Ravi need to go up the ladder and enter through the fourth floor!”

“Got it Cap.” Both aforementioned firefighters chimed in unison. With a quick fist bump they were off.

Nothing could beat the seamless connection Buck had with Eddie, but Ravi was still a truly great partner to have. They managed to save the family that was stuck inside their own apartment, trapped by a fallen bookcase that had brought half the ceiling down with it. The extraction went off without a hitch, landing two parents with their three young children, safely on the ground.

“Thankyou both so much!!!” The father was gushing, whilst cradling his son close.

“Say thankyou to these brave boys that helped us sweetie.” The mother egged on her daughter.

Ravi appropriately gushed over the kids, reassuring them and accepting their thanks. Meanwhile, Buck stood immobile off to the side. All they could manage was a nod.

Boys.

She called me a boy.

That one hurt the most.

That wasn't just gender roles or titles. That was calling them something they weren't. 

Is this how it was always going to be? Every time someone misgenders them, it will feel like a stake through the heart? How will they survive that? Of course people refer to them as a man. They are the poster boy of white boy masculinity. One stupid skirt isn't going to change that.

Who are they kidding? How can they expect people to see him them as nonbinary? Buck wouldn't blame anyone for being confused or just outright refusing to accept it.

While they packed up the scene, Buck failed to notice that Hen's previous look of concentration had morphed into one that couldn't settle between determined or concerned.

————

She didn't approach them until everyone else was either getting some rest in the bunkroom, or in Bobby’s case, shut away in his office. They were the only two left up in the loft. Buck was staring blankly down into their cup of tea, cheek squished against the palm of their hand, as they leaned on their elbow.

“That's probably cold by now.”

“Christ?!” Buck nearly went flying off the stool.

“Ha! Sorry Buck.” the smirk on her face did not agree with that sentiment, “Coulda sworn you'd heard me coming.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.”

She settled one stool away from them, leaving enough space for breathing room. Oh no.

“Look….”

“I thought I told you I didn't want to talk about it.”

“That was over a month ago hun, and you're still acting off. I'm just worried about you. If you really want me to back off, I will. Just…. Can you promise me you're okay? Safe?”

Buck melted, losing any sternness they may have had. 

“Thank you, really, for, for caring.”

Hen leaned over to wrap an arm round their shoulder, rubbing their back gently, before pulling away.

“You don't have to thank me. That's just what family does.”

“I suppose I know that. Just forget a lot.”

Two guesses as to why.

“Well I'll keep reminding you for as long as you need.”

Buck took a deep breath, contemplating what to say. They didn't have to tell her everything, right? Maybe they could just get advice on broader topics, without going specific enough to clue her in. After all, Hen's advice was always the best, only bested by Bobby (they weren't anywhere near ready to jump that hurdle yet).

They sheepishly made eye contact.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

Now, what part do they ask about? The ‘sir’ thing? No. Too obvious. Talk about Nick? No. Fun, but not what they need.

“You…hate wearing dresses right.”

Hen blinked at them.

“...yes?”

“Sorry! I swear there's a point, but if that's too rude or blunt-”

“You're fine. Just caught me off guard.” she cleared her throat, “Yeah, I do hate it. I tried to when I was younger, until I made my mum give up ‘cause I kept tearing them up. Both on purpose and by accident.”

“ Why did you not like them? Were they uncomfortable?”

“I guess so, but less physically so and more just the fact that it felt wrong. Also, I looked god awful in them. I rock a tux you know?”

Buck nodded vigorously in agreement, silently going over the information in their head.

“Do you ever…again stop me if this is too far…do you ever feel, like, weird about it all? Like you're feeding into the stereotype or just doing what you ‘should’ because of your label. If you didn't know you were n- lesbian, do you wonder if you wouldn't have changed your mind?”

Hen gave them a long, calculated once over, making them panic that they'd truly crossed a boundary.

“I used to.”

“Huh?”

“I used to feel like that. Then I realised, fuck them. Anyone that cares that much how I dress or act, fuck em. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I can do whatever I want, because the only one that matters in that case is me.”

That…that makes a lot of sense. But how do they do that? How does she make it sound so easy?

“I'm gonna assume there's a reason you're asking this. This is too random even for you.”

Nodding in silence, they slowly pulled out their phone from their pocket, opening up their gallery. They ignored the raised eyebrow in the corner of their peripheral. Then, once they found the right photo, Buck practically thrust the screen at Hen's face.

It was the picture they had sent Nick before; of them wearing the skirt.

“Oh Buckaroo, you look amazing.”

Their head snapped up from where they'd curled in on themself.

“R-really?”

“Yes really! Oh and I love the belt.” She seemed to sober up from her initial excitement, “Hey, you feel bad about this, don't you?”

“Kinda, I just worry that maybe I'm forcing it, like, I've never worn this sort of stuff before I realised I was bi.”

“So? The queer community has always been more accepting about this kind of thing, plus more vocal. You'd probably barely ever seen men wearing skirts or dresses until you got more involved with the community. People don't try new things if they think it'll just be ridiculed, or if they don't even know that's a thing they can do. I was exactly the same about wearing the boys uniform back in school, until I saw an older girl in the year above me doing it. I thought ‘wow, you can do that???? I wanna do that too!!’, so I did.”

Buck threw themself to hug Hen from the side, until she gathered them in for a proper one. They clung to each other for an undetermined amount of time, until Buck pulled back slightly, without fully letting go.

“I really needed to hear that. Sorry I got so worked up over something so small…”

“Oi don't do that. It's a valid thing to stress over, especially with how much unneeded pressure society puts on gender norms. It's exhausting.”

“You can say that again.”

“I'm just proud of you for talking about it. You ever need a hype woman, I'm always available. Karen too.”

Things weren't magically fixed, but they felt lighter to carry. It still hurt that she didn't know the full story, still calling them a man. Today wasn't the day to reveal it all though.

———

Something that Buck didn't even realise they had been doing was avoiding Eddie. Well, compared to their usual codependency on eachother. They still talked either through messages or video calls, at least every other day.

So how is that avoiding?

It used to be multiple times every day. Plus, it's what they talk about. Very purposely, it's very rarely about Buck themself. Always “how's Chris?” or “any luck on getting a job?” or “how annoying were your parents this time?”, and never anything beyond work in relation to Buck.

At first, they figured Eddie was too distracted to notice, also probably realising that Buck had very little going on outside of work with both the Diaz boys being gone. Eventually though, he clearly started to grow suspicious, trying to prod a little further each time.

From innocuous, harmless questions.

“Hey did you see much of Maddie and Jee this week?”

To painfully obvious targets. 

“Haven't been keeping to yourself too much, have you?”

Now, Buck adored that their best friend cared so much, but he knew them too well. If they started spilling even just a small amount of what was going on, he'd figure the rest out before they could finish their next breath.

Solution? Stop initiating conversations. If Eddie came to them first, then he'd probably have a reason, a topic in mind to talk about. That would make it easier to control the narrative. It pained them to push him away, no matter how logical it was in their mind.

“-ou even listening right now?”

Huh?

Oh crap they were on facetime with the man right now.

“Shit sorry Eds. Long shift, you know how it is!” They forced a smile, internally wincing at how fake they sounded.

“C'mon man.” Ouch, “Are we really gonna keep playing this game?”

“What game?”

Eddie levelled them with an unimpressed glare through the screen.

“Look, I've just been really tired lately from work. I swear that's all it is.”

“See, that hurts, because I know you're lying. I know you Buck. Hell it feels like I know you better than I know myself sometimes.”

Oh if only he knew just how much he didn't know.

“I know me moving away put some strain on our friendship, but don't shut me out. Like I said before, if you're pissed off, be pissed off. I'd rather that than these one sided conversations we've been having for weeks.” Eddie's gorgeous brown eyes bore into their soul, practically tearing it in two. He was truly trying to be open, vulnerable. He wanted Buck to do the same.

Instead, Buck snapped.

“Funny how you said I make everything about me. Isn't that what you're doing here?” they barely processed Eddie's eyebrows shooting upwards at their harsh tone, “I tell you I'm fine and you don't believe me. Just because your life is a mess right now doesn't mean mine is too.”

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

Why were they saying this? Buck didn't want to use the whole Chris situation as a weapon; never.

Once they started, it seemed they couldn't stop, projecting their own inner turmoil onto their best friend sat utterly shocked several states away.

“Is it such a surprise that I finally have a life outside of you? You and Maddie both seem to believe I'm helpless being on my own, even though I'm a fully grown adult. I'm sick and tired of everyone constantly questioning who I am. Maybe I've found something better to do with my time, ever consider that? Hm?”

Buck was panting now with how furious they were. How did they even get this worked up? They weren't mad at Eddie. They were mad at the world. At themself for not being normal, once again. At gender for being so god damned complicated. At their friends for being so caring, even when they couldn't possibly open up to them. At strangers for their stupid assumptions. At everyone but Eddie, because he has always been their reprieve. Their safe space. Their breath of fresh air.

And all of that was going to go away the second they opened their mouth. The second they say what they really want to say.

Buck can't lie to Eddie.

“Just leave me alone alright.” They growled, before hanging up, not even waiting for the man to answer.

Buck can hide though.

It seems that's all he’s they're good at these days.

Chapter Text

The next week is rough to say the least. Buck throws themself into their work, taking on every single extra shift possible. They're even covering for people outside of their usual tight-knit team. Anything to keep their mind quiet, and it works for a while. Until it doesn't.

It starts with Ravi actually asking them to hang out again, even after the disaster that was the first time. It is Buck's turn to begrudgingly agree, which is how they end up at yet another bar. 

The younger man makes many a noble attempt at starting a conversation, ones that usually Buck would be eagerly latching onto. After hyping himself up by downing his third beer of the night, he does the unthinkable and asks about Eddie.

“So, how's Eddie doing in El Paso? He set up the new house yet?”

“Dunno.” they muttered, taking a sip from their own drink.

“You…..don't know? Mister is obsessed with Eddie Diaz and calls him 5 times a day….doesn't know how he's doing?”

Now that stung, because Ravi was right. They should know how their best friend is doing. It felt wrong on every level to cut him off like they've been doing, the very thing they have resented others for doing, their entire life. The two of them should be at eachother's side, having eachother's back.

“I've been busy.”

“Yeah, I noticed. Dude I don't think I've seen you leave the station outside of a call in days.”

“I don't need the third degree from you probie.”

Ravi didn't rise to the bait, didn't make the usual jab back about no longer being a probie, just stared them down.

“I'm worried about you. Frankly, all of us are.” He seemed honest, eyebrows scrunched slightly, with a small frown on his face.

Why would he care though? He won't when he finds out.

“Look, I'm fine, just been trying to earn some extra money lately. Is that a crime?” they hauled themself out from the booth the pair had been sitting in. 

“No, of course not! Just-”

Buck threw enough money to cover their tab onto the table.

“Goodnight Ravi.”

They faintly heard him responding (“goodnight….”) as they walked away in defeat.

Unsurprisingly, their entire journey home is spent mentally berating themself; both for being so obvious about their mood, and for shutting Ravi down so rudely. He was only trying to help. It's not his fault Buck doesn't deserve any, having done this to themself.

It's a rather chilly night, well, as much as it can be in Los Angeles of all places.

Buck hated the cold as a child, but grew to appreciate it in their older years. Ever since that feeling of being wrong began to creep in during their teens, having an excuse to be wrapped up to hide from the world was always welcome. That pressure on their skin from pulling a coat tight against themself was grounding.

No one cared what gender you were when it's cold, or rainy. People were too concerned with getting somewhere warm and dry. Everyone is covered head to toe, all those layers separating skin from prying eyes. The only person that Buck wanted to truly see them was over 700 miles away.

Plus, they had already burned that bridge.

(It didn't matter that their phone had been periodically chiming with notifications from a certain number that had its own, personalised ringtone. Buck knew what all those messages would say, and they couldn't handle that right now.)

They finally trudged into their home at around midnight, slamming the door behind them.

Not wanting to lose the one comfort they currently had, Buck remained fully clothed, only stopping to remove their shoes. They nearly cried upon spotting Vee sat proudly at the head of the bed.

“Hey buddy.” their faint voice was carried away by the rustling of trees outside.

At least I still have you, they thought whilst cuddling the stuffed dalmation.

———–

The next confrontation occurs during a 48 hour shift, roughly at the halfway mark. Buck had been sat on one of the armchairs in the loft, absentmindedly texting Nick. He was sending pictures of himself on a date with their girlfriend, Scarlet. She had spoken to Buck a handful of times by now, and they had to admit she was really cool (totally out of Nick's league, which they loved to jokingly remind him of often).

It was right after they had enquired about the restaurant the couple were eating at, that someone sat down across from them. 

“Hey Buckaroo.”

Of course they send in Hen next. Kind of surprised it wasn't Maddie.

“Before you start, I'm fine. Honestly, I just want to get through this shift without any deep emotional talks, just focus on the job ya know?”

Hen sighed, and they couldn't tell if it was in annoyance or not.

“I get that. I just thought I'd check in. Feel like we haven't spoken properly in a while.” she leaned forward to gently nudge at their shoulder, “Been missing those random info dumps of yours.”

Buck tried so hard to smile, to go along with the teasing, the closeness they constantly craved. They just couldn't.

“Sorry, haven't been in the mood. Tired.”

“Yeah no kidding. Think you're giving Bobby a run for his money with all this overtime. You trynna prove yourself for captain again?”

Shaking their head, Buck opened their phone up again, begging for Hen to take the hint.

She didn't. Probably on purpose.

“You saving up for something? Vacation? God knows you deserve a break. Oooh maybe a gift? Or a new outfit? Find any cool jewelry?”

Buck's head snapped up at that.

“Hen!!!” They hissed between their teeth, eyes frantically darting around the room.

“Relax hon, no one else is up here. I know better than to spill secrets like that. I'm not Chimney.”

That admittedly did get a nervous chuckle out of them, shoulders lowering from where they'd subconsciously risen to their ears.

“...I just don't really want to talk about any of….that at work.”

“That's perfectly fine. Just a reminder that my door is always open.”

Foolishly, for a minute, Buck thinks that they successfully distracted Hen from her probing. What a dumb thing to think.

“Is all…that… bean what's stressing you out?”

They glared up at her, desperately chanting the dreaded “Q word” in their head. Damn guess that's becoming a pattern these days.

Unfortunately, it once again did not work.

“Because if it is, we can always have a wine night at mine. Chat about it away from any prying ears?” Hen leaned forward to pat a friendly hand upon their thigh. However, before she could reach, Buck jerked back.

“Enough.”

“Buck, I'm jus-”

“I know!!! You're just trying to help!!! Just like Ravi was!!! But quit it!!!” they were wildly gesturing at this point, close to tugging on their hair in frustration, “This is why I don't tell you guys anything. You just gang up on me to throw it back in my face!”

“Honey, that's not what we're trying to do.”

When did she stand up? When did Buck themself stand up?

“All I want right now is for you to breathe with me, okay?”

Huh?

Hen's face had crumpled into one of pure devastation, hesitantly raising her hands like one would do with a cornered wild animal. Her mouth was moving but making no sound. That annoying, persistent high pitched ringing was the only thing they could hear. How rude. They wanted to know what was upsetting the paramedic, so that they could try to help. No matter how mad their friends could make them, Buck would always do their best to cheer any of them up.

“Kid, it's alright.”

Bobby? When did you get here?

The older man slowly approached, with a similar stature to Hen's. 

“Take a deep breath in, hold for four. You can do it, bud.”

No….I can't! Why can't I Bobby? Help…

“I am going to place my hand on yours, alright?”

He did exactly as he said he would, then carefully guided it to rest on his chest, so that Buck could feel its steady, consistent movements beneath their palm.

Right, that's how normal people breathe. I can do that. Come on. This is easy. Just do it. Copy Bobby.

“That's it. You're getting there.”

The only thing that mattered for the next several minutes was their captain, with his calm voice piercing through the chaos of their mind. It wasn't a smooth journey, seeing as they stuttered over breaths, which only caused them to get angry at themself, then even more worked up, and end up right back at the start of this mess.

“Don't worry Buck, there's no pressure. No need to rush. Just take your time, please.”

If you say so Cap, just feels so stupid.

“You're safe and no one is mad at you.”

Except for Eddie, though I suppose you wouldn't know that.

“You're doing so well-” Bobby's face lit up, “Hey there buddy! Welcome back.”

He continued to smile as Buck's breathing finally evened out.

Now that they were present in their own body, they realised they had been crying, as well as trembling rather violently; no wonder Hen had called Bobby over. Speaking of, she was nowhere to be seen. That's a shame. They needed to apologise for being so harsh.

“S-sorry about that Bobby. And, and tell Hen I'm sorry too.” their voice was rough, as they stumbled over the weirdly heavy tongue in their mouth.

“No reason for all that. We could both tell you weren't in the right mind, but you can speak with her later if you feel you need to.” He gently tugged on Buck's forearm, guiding them to the kitchen, “Let's get some water in you for now, hm?”

“Sounds good.” they murmured under their breath, whilst hopping onto a stool that had been pulled out. It was unclear the right way to proceed. They merely watched their captain fill a glass from the tap in silence.

He placed it down on the surface before them. Drops of condensation slid down the side of the cup, forming a small puddle at the bottom. Feeling those gatherings of moisture on their hands helped to further settle them into their skin.

A small “Thankyou” was uttered after Buck downed half the glass in one go.

“You are welcome. May we talk about what happened there, or do you need more time?” Bobby had dropped into the chair across from them.

“Nah, we can do it now. I guess I just like…feeling cornered at work. I know you've all been talking about how weird I'm being. It just sucks.”

Their father figure frowned at that, leaning forward a bit.

“Buck. No one is gossiping about you behind your back. We're just worried, that's all.” He held up a hand when Buck went to interrupt, “Don't even try to say you've been fine. We both know that's not true, and that I won't believe it for a second, so let's just save the trouble, yeah?”

Their mouth snapped shut with an audible click.

“Thankyou. Now, I will not pressure you to tell me, or any of the team what is going on, because clearly that isn't getting us anywhere. However, you do need to speak to someone. Anyone.”

He paused to pull out a small notebook from his pocket, then ripped out a page. It was placed in front of them.

“This is a list of therapists I know of that may be helpful for you. They're all vetted either by me, Athena, or have been used by someone on the team. Nothing like Dr Wells I promise.”

Buck felt the ghost of a smile on their face, a single tear escaping from their undoubtedly bloodshot eyes.

“I know things have been rough for you lately, what with Eddie leaving, and Maddie being taken. Hey, even before that I feel like you were the one to complain the least about Gerrard, despite me knowing you were struggling under him too.” he places a hand on their shoulder closest to him, “You don't need to hold everything in, but I get not wanting to open up to family straight away.”

The younger of the two threw themself at Bobby, wrapping their arms around his waist, which was swiftly reciprocated with sturdy arms on their back, between their shoulders. One hand rubbed back and forth, along their spine.

“Thanks pops.”

_______

Buck ended up being man behind for the rest of the shift, which they begrudgingly accepted whilst being ushered to have a nap in the bunk room. They laid on their back, staring at the ceiling from their place on a top bunk in the very back corner. Normally Eddie would take the top one, whilst they were right underneath.

Eddie….

Lifting their phone from where it sat face down on their chest, Buck swiped to unlock it and opened the messenger app.

15 unread messages

All from Eddie.

They inhaled a shuddery breath, only to shut their phone back off. Sleep now; deal with that later.

_______

The next day they worked was a total disaster.

It all began with standard call: a three-car collision on a major intersection near the center of the city. They had responded to many incidents there in the past year alone. On this particular occasion, it seemed that a working van had sped through an amber light just as it turned to red, catching the driver of a Toyota off-guard, which caused them to be hit from the side. That initial collision spiralled into a nearby mini cooper.

Currently, there was no news on the state of any of the drivers, so the team sprung into motion.

As they pulled up onto the scene, Bobby was first out of the truck, quick to survey the scene and start to bark out orders.

“Alright Buck and Ravi I want you at the van with the jaws. That front door needs prying open!”

Buck tuned out the rest, focused only on their task, making eye contact with Ravi to signal that they'd grab the jaws. The younger nodded, running ahead to assess the state of the man inside the vehicle. The pair made quick work of getting the guy out, finding that he luckily had minimal injuries. A small trickle of blood on the side of his head was the main concern, but his pupils were the right sizes, plus his response times were reassuring. Still, better safe than sorry, so they carefully settled him down on a nearby curb, a safe distance from the wreckage. Ravi stood to wave over Chimney, exchanging a few words that went over Buck's head.

Their brother in law then crouched down next to them and the patient.

“Alright sir could you tell me your name please.”

“Ugh, it's Stanley. Stanley Blake.”

“Awesome Stan. Can you tell me what year it is?”

“2025. Still feels like 2020 most days though.”

Buck chuckled at that.

“I feel ya there.” they patted him on the back, cautious of any hidden injuries.

Chimney efficiently ran through the rest of the standard tests, from shining lights into Stanley's eyes, to experimenting with each limb's coordination.

Not even half way through, Buck had zoned out, realising they were not needed for this part. They scanned the rest of their surroundings and saw that the same could be said for the rest of the scene. All the drivers had been extracted, one being unharmed, whilst the other was sitting on the back of the ambulance, with Hen checking them over.

Wait.

That person with Hen looked….familiar.

Oh my god.

Buck shot up from where they were sitting, earning a gasp of surprise from Stanley, which they ignored to sprint over to the ambulance. Their helmet was promptly torn off, being dropped somewhere along the way with a harsh clatter on the ground.

“Nick?!”

Their friend shot his head up with a wince, eyes widening upon seeing Buck.

“Buck! Oh hey, I didn't realise it was your team that responded.” Nick laughed sheepishly, rubbing their hand on his other arm.

“Are you okay? Wait don't answer that.” they turned to face Hen, “Is he okay?”

Caught off guard for a moment, she could only blink in response, before clearing her throat.

“He's got a minor concussion, along with a few scrapes. Nothing too worrying though.”

“See I'm fine mate!”

He shrunk away from the firefighter’s glare.

“That is not fine. You're going to hospital end of story.”

“But-”

“Don't make me call Scarlet.” Buck's words cake out as a growl, but their clenched fists were shaking at their sides, voice on the verge of cracking. In the end, it was the obvious fear in their friend that made Nick agree to get checked up at the hospital. 

“Yo Buck you good?”

Ravi had popped up beside them, holding their discarded helmet in his hands.

“Y-yeah. Could you ask Cap if it's okay for me to ride with my friend?”

The probie’s (not really, just Buck would always see him that way) eyebrows shot up, a determined frown forming on his face, as he nodded. He made swift work of chasing Bobby down, and came back with the affirmative to their request.

“Let us know if everything's alright, yeah?” he demanded more than asked, when pressing their helmet against their chest. Buck nodded wordlessly, before hopping into the ambulance and closing the doors.

Hen was upfront driving, allowing Buck to keep an eye on Nick in the back.

“Well hi. Not how I expected our next meet up to go, ha!”

“Don't joke about this!” Buck snapped.

“Okay, okay I'm sorry.” They squinted at the other for a moment, “You good?”

Silence.

“You….the guy who just got into a car accident…are asking me… the one who's supposed to be taking care of you.. .if I'M okay??!!!! What's wrong with you????” Buck exclaimed through shocked laughter, which Nick soon joined in with.

“Yeah okay it sounds dumb, though I'm honestly doing alright. Your coworker even said so. Now, your turn!”

“Ugh, I'm obviously not great. One of my best friends has just been in a wreck!”

Nick tilted their head, and squinted suspiciously.

“Right.”

“What do you mean, ‘right’??!!!”

“I'm just saying, you've been off over texts for a while now. Seeing you in person makes it even more obvious. Something's up, beyond this current situation.”

They sighed, shuffling where he sat, staring down at his hands.

“And yeah, this whole thing was kinda terrifying, so, distract me? What's going on with you?”

Buck sighed, but could tell that he was being at least half truthful.

“Fine.” They glanced over to see that the divider that separated the front of the ambulance had already been pulled shut, meaning Hen wouldn't be able to hear any of this, “I had a fight with Eddie.”

“Oh? Damn didn't think you two lovebirds knew the meaning of a disagreement.”

“It was less a disagreement than me just yelling at gum for no reason….” 

A foot nudged against their calf gently.

“Hey now. Don't go beating yourself up, we all lose our shit sometimes.”

“I guess.” Buck made eye contact with Nick, “He was too close to figuring it out.”

“Figuring what out?”

“It.”

His mouth made an ‘ohhh’ shape.

“I see. Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes!!! Then he'll know there's something wrong with me and leave for good. What if he doesn't let Chris speak to me anymore? Or goes around talking everyone? Or-”

A hand lands over their mouth, causing them to emit a muffled squeak.

“That's enough of that bullshit. That's a load of crap and deep down you know it. There's nothing wrong with you, because I know for a fact you'd never say that about me.” his voice shifts from irritated to something much softer, “It's hard. Really fuckin’ hard to be at this stage. Being aware that something is different, maybe even having the word for it on the tip of your tongue, but not having the tools to navigate it.”

Buck nods, not even bothering to pull back from the hand or fight his words.

“Imma drop some wisdom on you here buddy, so listen up…You're not alone. You have me, if nothing else. I'm you're gender guru of sorts. Plus, I have so many LGBTQ support groups and specialised gender therapists under my belt. We will find something that helps. I promise.”

Finally, they release Buck from the makeshift prison.

“Together?”

“Of course.”

“...I'm just so sick of feeling like nothing fits. People just look at me and assume so much, and I hate it.” they curl into themself slightly.

Nick remains quiet, allowing them to keep venting, interjecting every few minutes with a hum or small reassuring comment.

Eventually, the ambulance pulls up outside the hospital, cutting their conversation short. Buck goes with him to receive treatment, sitting on the end of the bed once he gets a room. They stick around until Scarlet bursts through the door with makeup streaming down her face in thick black streaks.

Whilst the couple are embracing Buck awkwardly slips out with a barely audible ‘bye’.

They stand outside in the crisp evening air, waiting for the uber they'd ordered to get back to the station. Luckily, it was the end of the shift by that point, so they would just have to explain themself to Bobby, then promptly clock out.

Through the thick fabric of their cargo pants, Buck could feel the buzzing of their phone that had been put on silent hours previous.

Expecting it to be their uber driver, or maybe one of their teammates, they pulled it out.

It was Eddie, again.

Should they just get it over with? Wipe the slate clean so they could start all this therapy nonsense from the very bottom of the barrel? Work their way up?

24 unread messages

Their thumb hovered over the notification. The goosebumps running across their skin could only partly be blamed on the low temperature. People were rushing past them from all directions, some in agony, heading towards those dreaded doors towards a loved one in pain, others holding each other in relief as they exit the chaos. Today could have gone so differently. It reminded them how short life is, even more than being a firefighter already does on the daily.

Buck took a deep, steadying breath, and clicked on it.

Chapter Text

Friday

(20:59)

Eddie

Buck? What the hell was that man?!

You suck.

Like seriously, I was just trying to help!!!

(21:14)

Eddie

Ignoring me now? Damn alright.

Saturday

(07:51)

Eddie

Can we not fight? Just tell me what I did wrong 

and we can both apologise.

(09:32)

Eddie

Dude.

You're starting to worry me a bit now. Text me after your

shift, okay?

Unless this is you giving me the silent treatment, in 

that case, fuck you.

(18:46)

Eddie

Things went good with Chris today, figured you'd wanna know.

He's going to sleep over some time next week!!!

(22:17)

Eddie

Goodnight. Stay safe.

Monday

(04:31)

Eddie

Christ can you just text me back.

I would call at this point, but I know you'll just 

send me to voicemail, or even block me.

Are you petty enough to block me?

(04:35)

Eddie

….

Nevermind, of course you are.

Wednesday

(13:14)

Eddie

Okay can u give a sign of life?

Please?

(13:17)

Eddie

I'm sorry for pushing.

I know I haven't been the best friend lately, but let me be 

there for you now.

You don't make everything about you, I don't know 

why I said that, I mean I'M the one spamming YOU.

(19:55)

Eddie

Got to take Chris out for dinner today.

Seemed like he had a good time, we went to the local 

Aquarium too, though he kept saying it's not as good 

as the one you two normally go to. He misses you. 

I miss you too.

Today

(11:03)

Eddie

Don't be mad but I texted Bobby, just to ask if you were alright. 

He didn't tell me anything rlly, just that he couldn't share much. 

I know that means something is wrong, so please for the love 

of God talk to me. It doesn't even have to be about that fight, 

just anything at this point.

(20:36)

Eddie

Hey, Bobby said you had a rough call? You doing okay? 

I can distract you like we normally do, if you want?

Buck was…..overwhelmed to the least. Of course their stubborn-as-all-hell best friend had been spamming them all week. A surprising amount of it was actually sweet. They loved the small updates about Chris, because no matter what nonsense was going on in their life, that boy would always be a shining light in the dark.

It took a few drawn out moments for them to hesitantly send a reply, mind only half there, still spiralling over everything that had been happening those last few hours.

(20:39)

Buck

I'm okay, I think.

Within a single breath, a bubble popped up announcing that Eddie was typing, and Buck nearly threw their phone. They tried to convince themself that one message was enough. It gave their best friend the sign of life he'd been asking for, then they could go back to sulking processing.

Before they could do anything stupid, their phone buzzed three times consecutively.

(20:40)

Eddie

Oh my god Buck you scared the shit outta me. I'm glad 

you're alive at least. I was this close to flying to LA.

Not sure if you've read my texts from before, but I'm sorry 

for pushing you. I didn't want to upset you, I only wanted to 

help. You had every right to tell me to leave well alone.

We can talk more about that later, what happened on this 

call? Wanna rant about it?

Buck

Nah I was a dick. Don't be sorry.

Eddie

Why don't we both stop being sorry 

and self loathing?

Buck

Fair lol

The call was fine, no one really got hurt.

Eddie

But……?

Buck

Ugh, stop knowing me.

Eddie

Never ;)

Buck

…….

who TF taught you that?!!!

Eddie

Have some faith, I'm not THAT old…

Buck

Yes, yes you are

It was Chris wasn't it

Eddie

I plead the fifth

Buck

It was Chris.

Eddie

Stop changing the subject, Buckley

Buck

Boo 👎 

But fine, my friend was involved

 He was one of the drivers

Eddie

You have other friends?

Wait no first, is he okay?

Buck

WOWWWWW

Yes I do thankyou very much

(Don't worry they’re fine physically)

Eddie

Hey don't blame me, this is a foreign scenario

I'm glad you've found more people

Not that I don't like being your person

Well, not YOUR person, I'm my own person

Please stop me

Buck

Nah this is great

Keep going king!

Eddie

I'm young enough to detect the sass.

Buck

🤭

Me? Neverrrr

Eddie

Haha.

Seriously though that sounds scary

I'm glad he had you there for him at least

Buck

Honestly I think I was worse off than they were

Plus his gf is with him now

Eddie

Gf?

Buck

Girlfriend😭

Eddie

Oh!

Buck

Don't tell me….

Eddie

Look!!! With your track record it's safe to assume these things!!!!

Buck

Ugh gonna tell Nick you

 thought he was my partner

Eddie

Sigh

Buck

You did NOT just type out the word sigh

Eddie

Problem?

Buck

Nah, never change :)

They were rudely pulled from grinning at their phone like a madman, by a car pulling up in front of them. Its front window rolled down to reveal a tired looking middle-aged man with a flat cap on.

“Evan Buckley?”

“Yes!! Sorry, yeah that's me.” (Buck had completely forgotten that they'd even ordered an Uber).

They hurriedly hopped into the backseat, rambling through some pleasantries about the weather with their driver. He asked a few questions about firefighting once the topic came up, as he had seen that the drop off location was at the station. They humoured him for a few minutes, until their phone started to ring with an incoming call. Luckily, he was gracious enough to leave Buck alone after that, humming along to a low song on the radio.

“Hello?” they had answered without even looking at the caller ID.

“Hey stranger.” Eddie.

“Oh hi! Sorry I totally dipped for a bit there, had to get in the uber.”

They heard a chuckle in response, alongside some shuffling on the other end of the call.

“It’s alright, figured it was somethin’ like that. How come Bobby isn’t driving you back?”

“I’ve been here for hours dude, he unfortunately has a station to run.” they grumbled the next part under their breath, “Can’t waste all his time babysitting me.”

It spoke to how little the two of them had been talking lately, that Buck really thought Eddie of all people would let that slide.

“Hey! I heard that. You know he would drop everything in a heartbeat if you said you needed him, and he’s not the only one.”

“I know, I know, don’t go giving me the third degree.” they had to practically choke out that sentence, ‘he’s not the only one’ echoing around their skull tenfold, harshly bouncing off the inner walls of their skull. “Also sorry again for everything. Blowing up at you…then ignoring you…that wasn’t cool. Guess I haven’t grown up as much as I hoped, heh.”

“How many times do I have to say that it’s okay? I’m not mad, hell I’m sorry too. Just, are you sure you’re alright? You really pulled a me move there, which is very much not like you.”

“Eh, I probably need to speak to someone again, I know for sure Bobby thinks so, how fun!” they were almost proud of how much sarcasm they forced into those last two words.

“Wait, as in therapy? Buck I had no idea things had gotten so bad. Do you need me to come back for a bit? I’m sure I could book a flight soon enough.” Eddie was suddenly word vomiting at twice his normal speed; it seemed they were both swapping characteristics lately.

“Woah!” Buck let out a shocked laugh, “Calm down Eds, just because I might go back to therapy doesn’t mean I’m in a crisis. I promise it’s not that bad.”

“Bobby wouldn’t be worried if that were the case!”

“Both you and Bobby worry yourselves into an early grave and a head of grey hair, when I have so much as a cold.” They deadpanned, causing their driver, which they had once again forgotten about, to bark out a laugh that caught even himself off guard. He muttered an apology, Buck smiling incredulously at the man’s embarrassed flush rising to his ears.

“Did your driver just laugh at my misery?”

“Yes, and stop being so dramatic.”

Despite their flat delivery and accompanying eyeroll, this was the best they had felt in weeks.

“Fine,” Buck could feel the pout from several states away, “But only if you tell me some of what’s been going on. I’m serious about being concerned.”

“I know you are, it’s just complicated, to the point where even I’m confused.”

“Try me.”

See, this is the part they had been so terrified over. Eddie knew them too well, so he would undoubtedly figure things out. They weren’t ready for that. This past week had been hell and that wasn't even a friendship-ending fight: this would be, they were certain. Why was this so much worse than telling him they’re bisexual? Sure, they were anxious, but their heart stayed firmly in their chest back then, whereas now it had run off down the street without them.

“Evan? You still with me?”

Fuck.

That wasn’t fair, and Eddie knew it. Saying his given name, with that soft tone of voice? He was  the only one who could say that name without them fully body flinching. Even Maddie had started to pull that reaction from them, not that they ever let her see it.

That was a whole other rabbit hole to add to the blackhole sucking in every other part of their life at the moment.

“Don’t. I’m just…processing a lot at the moment.”

“I get that, I’m sorry there’s been so much change lately. I know you find that hard, and I certainly haven’t been any help in that regard.”

“It’s not even that really. I mean sure, part of it is, but it is mostly stuff going on with me. Like…”

Eddie stayed silent, allowing Buck to gather their thoughts. They definitely didn’t want to tackle the actual issue, yet…..

“It took me thirty years to realise I like guys.”

Nothing stopped them from clutching onto a somewhat related problem branching off from the main one.

“Buck, what? That is absolutely fine. Did someone say something?”

They winced, trying not to think about passing comments from Tommy when they dated. He would be a dead man walking if Eddie ever found out about the way he spoke to them sometimes, not even exclusively to do with their sexuality.

“No. I just feel like an imposter, I guess? Do you….do you think less of me? For suddenly being bi after all this time? You said it was fine so fast, but surely there’s some part of you that thinks I should just pick a side, or that it makes sense with how much of a whore I used to be, or that’s why I cheated on Taylor, or why I can’t love anyone normally, or, or-”

“Evan!”

Buck stuttered through a gasp, swallowing down a sob that tried to escape.

“Can you take some deep breaths for me?”

Buck nodded even though Eddie couldn’t see them. They would do anything for Eddie.

“Good, you’re doing so good.” Buck’s breath hitched again, “I need you to listen to me for a minute. Can you do that?”

They hummed an affirmative, focused on breathing in through their nose, and out through their mouth.

Something nudged their knee. It turned out to be a tissue packet being passed to them by their driver, who remained steadfastly staring ahead at the road. That action made them aware of the tacky tear tracks clinging to their cheeks.

“...thank you.” they whispered whilst accepting the tissues.

Buck had no idea that this was actually affecting them so much. Sure, the gender side of things was heavy as all hell, however, it seems that they never actually took the time to walk through what being bisexual meant to them, and all the stigma they had absorbed from everyone over the years.

“Everything you just said is so, so wrong I don’t even know where to start. Actually, I do. Buck you love louder and brighter than anyone I have ever known. You being bi doesn’t change that, it’s just as much a part of you as your late night research binges, or your warm hugs that can make anyone feel better, or how passionate you get about planning any sort of event for your family.”

“But, it-it really doesn’t bother you?”

“Why should it? We both know that all those myths are exactly that: myths. Being bi doesn’t make you a cheater. I’m not bi and I still cheated with Kim.”

“That was completely diff-”

“I still cheated, and you are missing the point. Being bi doesn’t make you anything, other than bi. You do not ever need to ‘pick a side’,” Eddie audibly shuddered over the phone, “That’s just people being dicks and frankly disgusting.”

“Yeah, you’re not wrong.” Buck giggled somewhat deliriously at themself, “God, I am such a mess. Second time this week I had to be talked down from panicking. At least this time it wasn’t a full blown anxiety attack, aye?”

Their head snapped up when they felt the Uber slow to a stop, realising with dizzying clarity that they had arrived at the fire station. The entire ride had been spent inadvertently talking their driver’s ears off, and he was still kind enough to offer them tissues to clean themself up with. Tucking their phone between their head and shoulder, Buck leaned forward over the center console to press some notes into his hand.

“So sorry for what was probably a very unpleasant trip, please accept this extra tip as an apology.” they bounded out of the car before even finishing the sentence. Through the front window, the man gave them a casual salute, paired with a gentle smile, before backing out of the parking lot.

“Only you would stress so much over mildly inconveniencing a stranger who is paid to deal with you.”

Buck screeched at how loud Eddie sounded due to their phone’s current position, his cackles blaring out the speakers as they yanked it further away from their ears.

“Dickhead!”

“Hey I’m right! My word beats yours as an Uber driver myself.”

“Whatever, I should go and talk to Bobby now.”

“I’m not done telling you how wrong you are Buck.”

They couldn’t fight the grin spreading across their face, despite how crap they were still feeling both physically and mentally.

“Oh I’m well aware. We’d be here all day if I let you list everything.” they shivered from the evening chill, glancing at the rapidly darkening sky, “Look, I have a day off tomorrow. You can tell me off then, sound good?”

 “Sounds perfect. It’s a date."

_________

After a brief chat with Bobby (where they very consciously skirted around having another mini breakdown) and filling out their share of the incident report, Buck swiftly got changed, then found themself staring blankly at the steering wheel of their jeep. They really did not want to go home. That would mean being alone with their thoughts. For once, they just wanted a break, to maybe even have some fun.

Pulling up google maps, they scanned through some local options, until they landed on a family owned, alternative, LGBTQ+ bar. That sounded like what they needed, so they punched the address into their satnav.

Being queer at the moment seemed like this huge, scary thing that only brought them stress, but they knew from the people in their life that it didn't have to always be like that. Hen and Karen were one of the best couples he knew, who had a gorgeous family to boot. They were so happy being themselves, plus they knew the pair of them went to pride festivals almost every year, where their busy schedules allowed it. Maybe they should tag along next time. Josh was someone they barely knew, that had been through plenty of struggles with his gay identity, yet still seemed so proud of himself, so openly in love with other men. Nick was of course their biggest exposure to the wider community. He was so welcoming, answering every question they had, no matter how dumb they were. They introduced Buck to varying gender identities and pronouns. The only problem was that he seemed so settled in himself, and it was looking impossible to ever try to reach that same level of contentment; to ever have with someone what Nick had with Scarlet. Buck wanted to be their true, unfiltered self with a partner, but they couldn't even do that by themself yet.

The bar was small, tucked away from any main high streets. There was a typical neon sign above the door, with a rainbow incorporated into their logo.

Inside, it was rather empty, due to it still being quite early for most nights out (just shy of 10pm), making it easy to slide into an empty booth in the back corner. Buck placed down their jacket to claim the space, then headed to the bar to order whatever cocktail looked most interesting. They ended up with some orange and passionfruit tropical mix, with a single shot of vodka.

Once back in their seat, they admittedly started to spiral…again. It was really getting exhausting at this point, more annoying than actually upsetting. This was supposed to be fun, so why did they feel so self conscious? Probably because they knew they looked like some straight gymbro invading a queer safe space.

Should they have gone home to change first? Worn something different? Maybe their skirt? Wait, it wasn't fair to assume all gay people had to be feminine or breaking the mold. Not that skirts made people feminine, or were inherently something only women should wear. They would never assume that someone else was or wasn't gay based on what they’re wearing, but what if Buck made someone feel unsafe by being a larger, imposing masculine figure?

FUCK.

Buck downed the rest of their drink and got up to order another.

Why did everything good have to be so complicated? They felt so good when wearing that skirt but every time they thought about it since then had been a living hell. Why did every little thing have to be this grand journey of self discovery???

Screw societal expectations, screw being a human at this rate. Can they just be a genderless blob? Some type of fungus? No one assumes shit about fungi, forcing them to conform to suffocating boxes unless they want to be ostracized by even themself.

Right as Buck was signing off from the human race, they spotted someone enter the room. This person had neon green hair pulled up into a loose ponytail, revealing that they had the sides of their head shaved. All over their face were piercings of different sizes and colours, with the star of the show, according to Buck anyway, being the bridge piercing connected by a chain hanging across their nose. The outfit they wore was a lot less bold: black cropped hoodie with black ripped jeans and black boots. 

More people filtered in behind that person, all in varied, unique getups. Every single one of them expressed themselves so beautifully through fashion, or hair colour, or body modifications. The best part of it all?

Buck couldn’t tell you what any of their genders were.

All of them were androgynous from head to toe, some playing with masculinity and femininity, twisting them into a brand new amalgamation, whilst others just avoided gender expression as a concept all together. Even their facial structures were altered by makeup or simply just the way their hair framed it.

Several sizes. Several heights. Several races. Several ages.

All were just…people.

Surely, Buck can do that too? Why are they letting all these “rules” weigh them down? If these ordinary people can be whatever they want, why can’t Buck too? It’s possible, they just need to stop running away from it.

Like Hen had told them before, fuck what anyone else thinks.

………

…except for Eddie Diaz.

But that’s a future Buck problem.