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It had been a whopping six months since Clyde Donovan confessed his love to Scott Malkinson. At least, in Scotts eyes he had done so.
It was back in October: late in the fourth quarter of Clyde’s Homecoming game with 30 seconds on the clock. Clyde throws the ball down field when they call a time out and Clyde had kicked a 39 yard field goal for the win.
Scott remembers being in the student section, some boys shaking him and cheering on the game - he himself could not have cared less as he did not understand how football worked. Not a lick of knowledge. Anyway he remembers the official end of the game; he remembers the student section flooding the field and being dragged along; he remembers the smell of sweat and alcohol in this stampede of students…but what Scott remembers the most, possibly the single thing he cherished from the game was when Clyde Donovan confessed his love to him.
To no ones surprise, this wasn’t actually the case. this is what went down in those couple of moments: Clyde was having the biggest adrenaline rush he
could ever recall. hugging random kids kissing random girls, Clyde was on top of the world. exchanging short yelps of victory with his classmates one after another it all seems to be a complete blur looking back on it. just sheer joy and thrill. As Clyde is pushing through his classmates he is snickering and shouting - its worth noting how insane the scene was, how it resembled a literal moshpit, as the cows hadn’t had a good season in many years -
Clyde playfully punches Craigs shoulder, “ow.” and he shouts, teary eyed, “OH CRAIG i couldn't have done it without you!” Clyde turns to his right and is instantly brought face to face with Bebe “OH BEBE, your cheering really pushed me out there, you're amazing!” finally, Clyde turns to his left and is met face to face with Scott, who had been grunting and trying to push his way out - damn near close throwing a fit in the middle of the crowd. But it was Clydes face - so close - for a mere second that changed this shitty night into one he’d cherish forever. Clyde, in the heat of the moment with no regard to what he was about to do grabs Scott and hugs him tight, he says “SCOTT MALKINSON! have i ever told you i love you!?” Scott, a deep tint of red is now staring at Clyde as he had immediately moved on to hugging and celebrating with more people. Scott stood in the same place for the rest of this ordeal, staring wide-eyed at his new boyfriend. yes, boyfriend. Scott Malkinson believed he had just scored a boyfriend. He hugged himself and smiled as the loud crowd suddenly didn't matter to him - as the hot breath and very hot armpits and screaming ceased and all there was was Clyde Donovan. He watched Clyde until the crowd migrated and Scott was left on the field reliving that hug in his head.
And so, it is now April and Scott Malkinson has since then been trying to figure out what boyfriends do - all while Clyde is oblivious to the boyfriend ordeal - Lucky for Scott, prom was now two weeks away. and what do boyfriends do? they take their partner out to prom of course. He begins to concoct just how hes going to ask his ‘boyfriend’ and make a new memory just as wonderful as homecoming.
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Scott had planned on asking Clyde to prom very early on that year, despite having roughly six months to prepsre for this, he had nothing in mind other than stomping up to him in the hall and shouting ‘you go to prom with me’, he’d punctuate his proposal with a huge teethy grin. This plan seemed perfectly fine to Scott, it got the point across; it was plain sailing. It wouldnt be until Eric Cartman approached him in the computer room (Scotts favorite classroom) and offered some help in the proposal, that Scotts plan finally had some substance.
Eric Cartman? Eric T. Cartman? now why is he doing all that helping SCOTT MALKINSON who has DIABETES. Well see Scott was not the only one trying to make this teenage dream with Clyde come true. It had just been a couple of months ago that Eric moved in with his new step brother Clyde, and almost instantly he found his new life extremely distasteful. He hated sharing a room, he hated his new dad, but most of all Eric hated the fact that he was no longer his moms golden boy; he was no longer the favorite; no longer spoiled. For a while Eric actually tried to better himself - something out of character but something he resorted to after being so starved for attention - he would cook meals for his mom and step dad (not Clyde.) and he would clean the house even. Yet still, Their faces seemed to lighten up only when Clyde came home. Still, his mom would forget to tuck him in like she always had (at ur grown age bruh). Still, he felt like nothing but a phantom living with All-American Clyde.
It was one night when he was wailing in bed - probably around 11pm - wailing loud as fuck and hiccuping as it was at this point he realized his kind deeds werent going to get him his mom back. Clyde was in the room, actually, in his own bed. He would grimace and then stare at Eric with dopey confused eyes.
“dude. why. whats wrong” Clyde raised his voice a bit to be heard over the weeping, “Cartman! what the hell is wrong im on a call!”
“ITS NOTHING IM FINEEUUEEEGHHH” Eric squealed back, kind of resembling when Pops from the regular show would cry now.
After a few attempts at fishing for Erics explanation Clyde gave up and went back to chatting with Red on the phone. It was a shallow and boring conversation, the two of them just called on SnapChat soley just to be on a call. What they were discussing did not matter anyway, as Eric was now tuned out and staring at Clyde. sniffling and snorting, He squinted his eyes at Clyde and in a swift and quick complete change of mood: looked vexatious. It was quite theatrical the way he resembled a villain entering their arc of wrong doing. As he kept his eyes locked on Clyde, the fact that he was on call with a girl made him begin to think. Eric, in a desperate state of wanting something and failing to get it on the first try, realized he would never get the love he wanted back by bettering himself - but by worsening his step brother. And his forming plan to do so, was sick and twisted and rather achievable to anyone else who dont happen to be as hard-headed as Eric. He was going to get Clyde a boyfriend. He was going to play cupid and then run right home to tattle on him. In his mind, a gay son could only make him the favorite by default yeah? Definitely not how that would play out, but don't tell Eric that he doesnt know.
Clyde broke Eric out of his evil daydream as he noticed he was staring him down, “uh hello? do you need something?”
“oh, no Clyde…nothing at all…nothing at all…” and he did in fact rub his hands together and laugh lowly like a freak.
“okay” without acknowledging any of that Clyde shrugged and turned back over to his phone.
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So now Scott was in the computer room, it was always empty - maybe a geek or two in there - but more often than not it was Scotts space. during lunch, after school, during some classes, and during class change. The room was not used anymore as the school had switched to Chromebooks many years ago. Speaking of, Scott was probably the only kid in that school to actively use his chromebook. His dad was very strict with cell phones so he could only have mobile games and pinterest downloaded - ok, well pinterest had to be deleted after his dad found a board of gay Transformers fanart. But with his chromebook he would have access to Youtube and other platforms, so he ALWAYS had it with him as anyone would with their phone.
As of right now he was sitting criss cross in an office chair with his Chromebook, he was in the middle of writing down a little script for himself as he had planned to ask Clyde out today. All the document read was:
[Asking my boyfriend out to prom with me]
go to prom with me Clyde
Very romantic Scott! except it wasnt it was dog shit. Luckily, his soon to be wing-man Eric walked in and came prepared to help. Eric had chosen Scott to be his candidate in his cupid game. This was because he seemed gullible enough and a couple of weeks ago he overheard Scott yelling at some girls who were talking about Clyde and his “hear me out” build: ‘DONT TALK ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT YOU ‘ATHHOLES’!’
Eric tried to sneak in and appear mysteriously to Scott, an attempt to keep up with his evil villain bit, but rather he alerted Scott immediately because he forgot that hes a fatass man with massive fake jordans on his feet and not a petite little mouse.
“GAH! Cartman! IM BUSY! I dont need you messing with me right now im working on something important!” Scott spat at him like a opossum.
“Oh? what could be so important Scott?” Cartman asked slyly.
“Its personal BUTT OUT!”
Eric raised his hands in defense, “okay okay, im sorry Scott ill leave you to it then” he said with a sigh. He began to head to the door before abruptly (not that abruptly because he moves slow) turned around and grabbed Scotts Chromebook - wrestled over it for a minute before doing his special tactic and screaming in scotts face. like. he just screamed like an eagle out of no where. This startled Scott and caused him to lose a grip.
“okay lets see hrmmm” Eric stroked his thin beard with one hand and pushed Scott away with the other as he pretended to read over like 7 words. he then did a very fake gasp and pretended to look astonished, “you have a crush on my step brother!? noooo waaaayyy”
“its not a crush. were dating.” Scott stopped trying to get his chromebook back and fell back into his seat, pissed off.
“right…” Eric amused his delusion, “well Scott, if you want to take your boyfriend to prom this just wont do.”
“what do you mean?”
“Clyde likes to be charmed with romance Scotty!” He pulled up a chair next to Scott and began to Type. It now read:
[asking my boyfriend to prom with me]
roses
heart shaped pizza with “prom?” in pepperoni
kazoo
…
The list went on with flattering… not so romantic gestures and a description of how Scott should go about the proposal. He bullshitted something like ‘be enthusiastic but not demanding…’ things like that. Eric smirked, proud of his work, and turned the chromebook to Scott. Reading through it, Scott was amazed at how good his ideas were (to him).
“wow…you really know a lot about this prom stuff” Scott slowly looked up from the document to Eric. “But why? why would you help me. what are you planning? to plant a banana peel and make me trip while i ask him?!” he raised his voice once more, an accusatory tone.
“now, now, Scott I would never embarrass you like that” (he has many many times!) “I want to help you because he is my step brother. I have to have his back, and to do that i might as well help you give him a good prom, right Scott?”
Scott grumbled and lowered his head, avoiding eye contact with Eric.
“Scott,” Eric began with a sincere tone, “who else is going to help you with your cr– boyfriend” - he corrected himself - “who else knows Clyde better than his brother? you need me. You and I both know he would have said no to that lousy proposal.”
Scott signed long and loud before nodding in agreement. “Okay, i’ll let you help me. Tell me what else you think he’d like.”
The boys stayed after school in the computer room talking for hours about how Scott could razzle dazzle Clyde. Truth be told, Eric didnt know jack shit about his step brother. He could care less, anyway. He made stuff up and of course Scott believed him. They actually started to have a bit of fun together, Scott would have never guessed Eric could be this friendly.
It was now probably around 6:30pm when they finalized Scotts epic plan to ask Clyde to prom.
Eric patted and squeezed Scotts shoulder, “you go home and get everything together. Come to school ready tomorrow. remember what we discussed and i know you'll do great.”
“Gee Cartman” Scott began with a smile, “You're really not all that bad, i really enjoyed–”
“yeah yeah youre welcome go home hurry HURRY SCOTT! HURRY YOURE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!” Eric faked a worried look
“oh Gosh!!!! im hurrying im hurrying!” Scott slammed his chromebook shut and shoved it in his bag before running out and biking home.
“Whew,” Eric groaned, that way wayy more Scott Malkinson time than he needed for a day… or ever.
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The next day Scott came to school ready - or confident he was at least. With roses in hand he rushed to the computer room to meet Eric. Eric was a part of the plan they had come up with together.
Clyde was talking with Craig when Scott Malkinson strutt up to him in the hall, Eric following shortly behind him with a large boom box on his shoulder. Scott came to a stiff stop right in front of Clyde and stared at him with stupid ass beady eyes, waiting for his queue from Eric.
“um. Hi Scott whats up?” Clyde confusedly addressed the tall boy who had interrupted his conversation with his absurdley awkward prescence.
Another long minute of Scott standing there breathing loudly waiting for the queue. Then finally Eric presses play and Scotts beat starts. He shoves the roses at Clyde and begins just briefly hitting the stanky leg.
“heard you wanna - super cool nice guy - thats gon’ please you… suck ya toes, dick ya down, please you” Scott sings “Clyde says ‘bae im nasty’ i say me too”
Clyde was too stunned to speak. As more and more kids notice the proposal, more and more kids gather around - rather concerned.
“Clyde say bae im nasty, i say me too.” And with that Scott transitions into a full blown stanky leg he is hitting that shit. The horrible truth could no longer be denied. Scott Malkinson was singing a Kevin Gates song to Clyde Donovan and emoting on him like a peacock trying to find a mate.
“dannngggggg” Eric covered his mouth and looked around as Scott continued on, “Id love to go to prom with this guy… especially if my name was Clyde” Eric kept hyping him; the only person commenting on the scene as the rest of the hallway was genuinely speechless besides an occasional “oh nah.”
At this point Clydes mouth was gaping open, eyes wide, and cheeks a deep red - not that he was flattered even in the slightest - more so mortified. Despite this clearly not working, Eric continued to try and save Scott.
“dangggg” Eric nudged Kyle with his elbow, “This is romantic i bet youre mad jealous of Clyde” to which Kyle just walked away without a word. … “DANGGGGG” Cartman repeated as he turned to Tolkein, “this is so wholesome youre right Tolkein, i wish i was this guys prom date too…” to which Tolkein walked away without a word.
As Scotts nasty vulgar song continued more and more people lost interest until the hallway was nerely empty; leaving an awkward scene with just Clyde, Craig, Eric, and Scott Malkinson. With this, Eric finally accepted defeat and cut the music. Shaking his head he waved at Scott and mumbled, “just ask the thing and lets get out of here” punctuated with a sigh.
“Clyde, will you go to prom with me!!!???” Scott asked with full confidence after the train wreck of a proposal. He stood there waiting for a response with a huge toothy smile.
Clyde looked straight at Scott - who was panting from his performance yet still grinning widley - Clyde looked rather… horrified to be quite frank.
“Is this a joke?” Clyde awkwardly messed with his roses. The scene was tragic; empty and echoey hallway. Sneakers squeaking on the floor all throughout the school. Clyde, Eric, and Craig all horribly aware of the comberstone - Scott however, unknowing and feeling quite accomplished himself.
“no!” Scott chirped back in response to the joke question. “so??!!”
Clyde wouldn't be able to deny that - shockingly enough - he considered accepting Scotts proposal. He thought about how stressed he really had been trying to score a date after his fairly recent parting with Bebe. Though Clyde could have cared less about prom itself, he really did want to be able to bring a pretty girl; and he was im fact excited about the after party, for what thats worth. He thought about where he stood on the date dilemma, and he thought about accepting Scotts offer as a last resort to hopefully rid of the weight on his shoulders - tricky and pointless stress, really. And for just a mere second , a mere second, Clyde thought about how cute Scott looked right then despite his intimidating and anticipating smile.
“uh, no Scott…nah, sorry bud…” Clyde wanted to give Scott a reason for the ultimate rejection but truthfully couldn't decide why he would have said yes OR no. “I already have a date.” he finally pulled something out of his ass with that.
And it was only NOW that Scott realized this hadn't gone to plan. Instantly, he retaliated.
“WHAT….” Scott looked shocked to his core. “BUT CLYDE BUT- BUT BABY”
“ew dude - baby??” Clyde cringed visibly
“what do you MEAN no? You're my boyfriend!!!!” Scott yelled - pitched a fit. “and you're being a BAD BOYFRIEND”
At this point Eric panicked and rushed in to get Scott out of there. He tossed the boom box and grabbed Scotts arm, tugging him down the hall all while Craig and Clyde looked at each other with a ‘did u hear that too’ look to the ‘boyfriend’ remark.
“I swear to god Clyde!!! this better be some sick joke!!” Scotts tantrum gradually becomes more and more faint as he's dragged away by Eric.
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Scott spent the rest of the week giving Clyde the cold shoulder; avoiding him. The funny thing is Clyde very quickly forgot about the entire proposal and Scott Malkinson didnt even cross his mind afterwards, besides a brief occasional ‘oh yeah, that was weird.’ See Scott would not approach Clyde out of spite, he’d imagine Clyde longing for him and regretting his “sick joke” that was declining prom, but once again: the truth was Clyde did not notice Scotts absence in the slightest.
This sort of scenario tended to be the case very often - ever since the homecoming game - Scott would hold many memories close to heart, romanticizing them. Making a quick nod of the head Clyde gave him into this theatrical and significant moment to look back on, for example. Scott didnt wonder enough about Clyde. Its like when he draws a blank on something regarding Clyde, he doesnt want to ask about it, he doesnt want to learn it from Clyde because in his mind that would make him a bad boyfriend; in his mind his roll as Clydes boyfriend was knowing him better than anyone else. His way of meeting this goal was by simply filling in the blanks. Scott would constantly be pushing this narrative in which Clyde is just a love interest character whom he had created. This might also be why Scott wouldnt really approach Clyde even before his whole cold-shoulder thing; because in the back of his mind, he was scared of getting to know Clyde. some small little subconscious fear that the Clyde he has created in his head over the past year won't align with who he gets to know. But again, it was a small subconscious thing Scott would be oblivious to - in the front of his mind, the Clyde he imagines in his head would be accurate. It was a delusion that Scott suffered from. An intense, clinical delusion.
And their entire relationship (if u could even call it that) would continue on to be this distant one sided romcom with no interaction for the rest of highschool probably. At least it would have been if it weren't for the day Scott threw his bike at freshman.
Scott was already irritable that day. He had to stay after school for detention after having a crazy crash out over Kenny powering off his beloved Chromebook over and over while he was grinding on cool math games unblocked. Scott would have jumped Kenny if he hadn't been dragged out of the classroom like a LITERAL child. Besides getting his high score on block blast exterminated, he was also still angry at his boyfriend Clyde at that point. He was a little angry at himself as well, not even for embarrassing himself and clyde because he genuinely thought he ate that up but because everytime he wanted to confront Clyde for being a ‘bad boyfriend’ he found himself shying away; that subconscious fear of Clyde that was mentioned. All in all, Scott is having a shitty day.
Miraculously, Clyde just so happened to be there after school hours as well. He had to do service work throughout the school year to stay on the football team and make up for his bad grades, so he stayed after school to clean some floors and help the janitors out. He often did his service chores with Craig; the dreadful cleaning seemed to go by a little faster with one of his closest friends there.
The two boys found themselves scraping gum off of the underside of tables because they got banned from using the floor scrubbers. they used them as bumper cars and broke one. (worth like thousands of dollars btw)
“this isnt fair.” Clyde began to complain excessively to cope with his weak stomach battling the sight of hard gum hanging onto the tables for dear life. “That thing would have broken anyways, its like, eons old. But no - blame the innocent kids for your bad spending habits.” Clyde grunted angrily and punched the table like a total bitch.
Craig was laying next to Clyde on the gross school floor under the table. He was just sort of nodding and humming to Clydes hissy fit - and he was the only one really getting anything done as the gum didnt really bother him. But then he set down his scraper and turned to clyde, now laying on his hip.
“Clyde.” Craig shook his shoulder a little bit but Clyde would ignore him and continue to overdramatically gag at the gum above him, deadass teary eyed and everything. “Clyde. Clyde. Clyde. Clyde.” Craig didnt raise his voice but just kept on with that.
“WHAT CRAIG - hurk - hurk -” Clyde started dry heaving
“you know you can stop right? theyre not gonna be checking the tables. and you’ll get the hours in anyway.” Craig explained, no reaction to Clydes gross gagging.
“oh yeah.” Clyde instantly switched up and tossed his scraper, turning on his hip as well and bracing his head with his hand.
They talked for a while to kill time. Though they didnt really have to do anything for Clyde to earn his hours, he still had to be at the school. Eventually Scott is brought up; his proposal.
“Oh yeah, man, we haven't even talked about how that Scott kid tried to ask you out.” Craig smirked a bit, “and the fact that you looked like you were considering it for a minute, you fag.” Craig snickered a little bit.
Clyde hadnt even looked back on that day because it weirded him out so much - but also because what Craig said was sort of true, and he didn't want to think about that when his priority was finding a cute girl to take and find one soon because time was running out. But here, with too much time to kill and Craig just having to bring it up, he finally took a minute to look back on it. Which is why he would be quiet for a minute.
his lack of response made Craig perk up. “woah dont scare me like that. dont tell me you ACTUALLY considered it?”
Still no response, as Clyde really was looking back and really STILL considering it, or entertaining the idea at least. He furrowed his brows and thought to himself ‘would i consider it? do i like boys even? am i… flattered?’
Lucky for him his good pal Craig was quick to answer all of these as if he could read minds, “surely you didnt consider it haha, you dont even like boys. That kid is a total creep. and a total weirdo. like that one song”
And Clyde instantly nodded and let out the breath he was holding in, “yeah, youre right. whats his problem?” he was very quick to disregard his previous feelings and agree with Craig - often times, Clyde was extremely easy to persuade. extremely easy to convince and influence. So he just took Craigs word for it with no further trouble.
“and, if i did like boys we’d probably make like a chemical reaction and explode. you know, because there has to be the gay friend and the straight friend.” (said no one ever) said Clyde. “it’d be like a nuke made of aids being dropped. itd be like 9/11 but aids.”
“haha yeah.” that got a little chuckle out of craig, “hey wait - fucking stop with the aids jokes dude you all milk that shit i swear”
“oh no dont shoot me with your aids tazor” Clyde sarcastically threw his hands up
“my dick?” Craig blinked at him
“NO NOT YOUR DICK - IT WAS A- BRO NO EUGH” Clydes voice was high pitched and defensive.
Craig nodded “okay.” and without entertaining that anymore he pulled out his phone and sighed, “good news, we can go the fuck home.” then without a word Craig rolled out from under the table Dazai style. Clydes fat ass struggled to get out from under there but eventually was victorious. The two of them walked out together.
While Craig and Clyde were wrapping up Scott was dismissed from detention. Mad asf he rushed out to his bike ready to be home already. Scott grunted and spat as his bike would not come off of the chain. rattling it and hitting it, once again his blood was boiling. When it finally released he looked up to notice none other than Pip giggling at him struggling. And without a single prior thought, Scott picks up his bike over his head and SWINGS it at Pips crotch all the way across the parking lot. Pip probably broke his pelvis as the bike crunched his helpless british body and caused him to slide across the concrete. Huffing and puffing, Scott would then realize that Clyde and Craig were standing at the entrance, horrified that Scott could manage that but ultimately unamused because it was the british kid. and not anyone else.
Scott was so fed up with that day he didn't even register that his supposed boyfriend was the one standing there with Craig. He just quickly yelled out to them “CAN I GET A GODAMNED RIDE. THAT BRITISH KID BROKE MY BIKE.”
“no fuck you” Craig flipped him off but then smiled a little bit, “Clyde can though”
Clyde slowly turned to Craig with a face of disbelief because theres no way he just pulled that shit.
Craig looked at him with his iconic emotionless blank stare before abruptly leaving and getting in his own car. Clyde now left alone with no one to save him, turned to Scott who was tapping his foot impatiently.
As Clyde was trying to think of a way out of this the british guy groaned in pain on the pavement.
“NO. YOU GET BACK DOWN ON THE GROUND AND YOU STAY THERE. YOU STAY THERE!!!” Scott sounded like a mad man. but the british guy abided and miserably layed back down under the bike.
Clyde sighed long and loudly to himself. He told Scott to get in the car not because he wanted to but because he didn't care enough either way.