Archive of Our Own ^beta

Confused. That’s how Baekhyun felt. Confused and stressed. His hands were shaking, his pulse was going at a higher speed and he could practically hear his heartbeat beating irregularly. He didn’t understand. He almost got annoyed by how his body was making this reunion a bigger deal than it was. Would it have been the same, had Baekhyun been able to welcome Chanyeol back with his family yesterday? Would it have been different had he tried harder to change shifts and go see his best friend immediately once his flight back had landed. He felt stupid and almost pathetic. Four weeks and three days. That’s how long he and his best friend were separated. Everyone would probably say it’s not even that long, Baekhyun himself would normally say, for friends their age, it’s not too unusual. However, nothing about him and Chanyeol was “ usual ” or “ normal ”. Four weeks and three days. The longest they had been apart since they met when they were only five years old. Back when Baekhyun’s nervousness regarding the younger came only from a childish fear of his new friend suddenly not wanting to play with him anymore. Not from fearing his best friend might realize he had missed him a bit too much. That he was excited to see him a bit too much. Liked him a bit too much.

His current nervousness was even more silly considering Chanyeol had texted him almost everyday when he was abroad for his movie shoot. They did video calls at least every 3 days and for a couple days, even talked more than they usually would. Baekhyun also went to visit Chanyeol’s family regularly to get cuddles from Chanyeol’s puppy Zarr, who was staying with them while the actor was gone, when he missed him too much.

Yet here he was, in front of the taller’s flat. He knew the code. Chanyeol was expecting him. His best friend had sounded almost disappointed when Baekhyun told him he couldn’t come yesterday when Chanyeol had first gone to see his family and pick up his puppy. But maybe Baekhyun only imagined that Disappointment, wished that he had been. He never knew these days what he actually read from his best friend and what classified as wishful thinking. How could he? For him the lines between them being best friends and everything Baekhyun felt for Chanyeol, had long blurred into the invisible for him. How could he still be able to tell how Chanyeol - who with no doubt only saw him as his best friend - might feel. 

It still didn’t make sense. There was nothing, ever, that felt as comfortable and easy as going to meet up with Chanyeol. But the shaking hands, the fear in his head, the beating of his heart… Did four weeks apart really change that much?

But before Baekhyun could dwell further on it, or decide to finally get over it and punch in that all familiar passcode (Zarr’s birthday), the door opened by itself and Baekhyun 

immediately finds himself pulled into a bone-crushing hug.

“Why are you just standing there?”

Baekhyun wants to reply, find an excuse, but the strong arms hold him so close, he struggles to breathe. He reaches around the figure too, holding onto the white oversized shirt the other is wearing, trying to pull himself up to his tiptoes to make the hug more comfortable. He breathes in his best friend’s scent and immediately all his nervousness from before vanishes. Soft breath tickles his neck.

“I missed you.”

Baekhyun still doesn’t have enough air to reply so he hums in response instead. He feels like someone put him in a trance, or gave him a sedative. Completely contrary to how he felt only a minute prior. Just for a moment, his thoughts are quiet and he feels safe and warm. But then the sound of the elevator moving startles him and he is forced to register his surroundings. They’re out in the open. Of course Chanyeol lives in a high-security area and in a building only with people as high profile as him, yet Baekhyun still was starting to feel exposed, like someone could see him hold onto his best friend a little too close. So he pulled back from the hug, which resulted in a pout on his best friend’s face, that he tried hard to ignore.

“Let’s go inside.” the smaller of the two suggests and Chanyeol nods in agreement.

Once they are inside - and of course after Baekhyun gives Zarr her well deserved welcome cuddle - Chanyeol goes to the kitchen to get them something to drink. While Baekhyun breathes in the familiar scents and atmosphere, he can feel himself getting more grounded. His nervousness might have felt stupid to him before but if there is something he got reconfirmed, it’s that he hated being apart from Chanyeol for any longer than necessary. Finally, he felt like home again. Seeing the actor felt like any worry he’s ever had disappeared into thin air. That’s what being with Chanyeol felt like for him, always had and hopefully always would.

“Anyway..”, Chanyeol rips Baekhyun out of his thoughts as he places the glasses with fresh water on the couch table in front of them, before sitting down next to his best friend. “How’s work? You never really talked about it when we were on the phone.” The actor strikes up the conversation and Baekhyun sighed, not being too impressed by the choice of topic, knowing where this will lead “The usual. I clock in, do my work, clock back out and go back home.”

“So still no new friends?” There it was.

“I told you. You, Dae and Min are enough for me. I don’t need work friends.”

“Right. How is Minseok? Maybe I should drop by yours again soon. Haven’t talked to your roomie in a while.”, Chanyeol teases, not realizing that he moved from one sore subject to the other. Baekhyun ignores the twist in his stomach and wants to remind the taller that in fact, he hadn’t really talked to anyone in a while. But he held back. He missed him too much to waste time on the banter. He’s just glad he can see Chanyeol’s face, feel the way the sofa dips when he sits down and simply know he is physically in the room again. If he had to only talk to his best friend through facetime one more time he would have probably risked it all and gotten on a plane to crash the filming site.

The earlier nervousness completely forgotten now, Baekhyun also forgets the already opened topics and is back at appreciating having his best friend back. Unconsciously he gives Chanyeol a soft, almost sad look that his best friend knew very well to read.

“I missed you, too”. Chanyeol replies to Baekhyun’s silent words. The actor sighs and moves closer, putting his arm around his friend, signalling him to get closer and just like always Baekhyun perfectly fits on Chanyeol’s shoulder, curling up to his best friend's side. His favourite spot in the world since he was 12 years old. Having been best friends pretty much their whole life, they’d fast grown to be very affectionate with each other. When they were kids, everyone would think their closeness was adorable and even when Baekhyun realized his feelings later on, he didn’t dare change the way he was with Chanyeol. He used to think that eventually they’d grow out of it. That once they’d grown up and matured, Chanyeol wouldn’t want to hold Baekhyun the same way, that he’d treat him like any of his other friends. Even now Baekhyun still catches himself wondering when the day Chanyeol will decide he’s had enough of their closeness might arrive but it never comes. And so he forgets. Forgets that most “best friends” don’t cuddle on the sofa the way they do. They don’t hug for a couple seconds too long. They don’t softly smile when they catch the other staring lovingly. They don’t spend hours on phone calls even if they had the most exhausting and longest day. They don’t miss each other as if a part of their own self was gone. They don’t do sleepovers in the same bed well into adult life while humming sweet lullabies. They’re not each other’s emergency contacts or plus one’s to every family event. They don’t think about the other first thing when they wake up and last thing before they fall asleep. They don’t experience yearning for the other with every fiber of their being. But then Baekhyun is also 

painfully aware that a lot of those ‘ they ’s, are actually just ‘ him ’s.

As they just sit there taking in each other’s presence after having been separated for a while, Chanyeol slowly starts to draw invisible circles on Baekhyun’s shoulder. He knew exactly what would make Baekhyun relax and open up and the nurse should have expected the earlier topic to be brought back up again.

“Being a nurse is a really trying job. I see how exhausted you can get. I just think it’d be easier if you felt more comfortable there. Made some friends… Work is always easier if you share it with someone you like. Whether that’s you working in the hospital or even for me as an actor. You know I just worry about you.”

Baekhyun turns to look at Chanyeol more closely. His best friend is wearing a soft smile that he likes to use when he’s trying to convince Baekhyun of something. And then like going through a checklist, Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol’s features, the mole on his nose, his big brown bambi eyes, the soft cheeks, the tips of his hair…

“Your hair has gotten longer.”, Bakehyun says softly while raising a hand to feel the soft 

black strands. They’re almost softer than Zarr’s fur.

“Alright, I’ll drop the topic, but only because I missed you so much.” Chanyeol gives in with a sigh and squeezes the boy in his arms, to the point Baekhyun almost felt like the air was being pressed out of him again. Yet, he didn’t complain. He never would.

—

Tired and yet re-energized, Baekhyun comes back home later that night to find Jongdae sitting in the living room. Upon noticing Baekhyun, Jongdae turned off the TV and turned to his friend.

“Hey. I’m just waiting for Minseok, thought he’d be back already.” he explains his presence in Baekhyun and Minseok’s shared flat, that Baekhyun had started to not even question anymore anyway.

“Since you two started dating I see you in our flat more than him. Maybe I shouldn’t have introduced you two.” Baekhyun jokes.The two of them were a lovely couple but he couldn’t deny having noticed a significant decrease in how much time they spent with him since he gave Jongdae that well needed last kick to finally ask Minseok out after months of crushing on him. Jongdae used to say he was being a hypocrite - being the only person that knew about Baekhyun’s feelings for Chanyeol - but Baekhyun would insist their situation was completely different. And it was.

“Ahh, you love having me around more, don’t lie.” Jongdae teases back. He wasn’t wrong but Baekhyun wouldn’t give him the win so he decided to ignore it and continue taking off his shoes before he let himself fall down on the sofa next to Jongdae. His phone rings implying a message and he gets it out.

‘ miss you again already. get home safe? ’

Baekhyun can’t help the massive smile that forms on his face, oblivious to Jongdae observing the scene. “Chanyeol?” his roommate asks, as if there was no one else’s message Baekhyun would smile at. Again, not that he was wrong. The nurse simply hums as confirmation.

“Honestly, you’re hopeless. For weeks we had to fight tooth and nail to even get you to give the smallest smile, he’s back for like 5 minutes and you look like you won the lottery again.”

Baekhyun isn’t sure what to reply, this isn’t new to him. Ever since he told Jongdae about his feelings for Chanyeol, the other won’t let any opportunity pass by to tease him. Baekhyun didn’t mind. In fact, he almost liked it. It felt like his feelings were being validated, especially when Jongdae started crushing on Minseok and they would tease each other and gush about their crushes like schoolgirls. And even now that Jongdae was officially dating his roommate, he could play the card of having introduced them, so Jongdae wouldn’t complain if Baekhyun had to get his feelings off his chest. It’s something he didn’t have as a teenager, since Chanyeol was his only close friend. Sometimes he wonders how he was able to get through those years not able to talk about his feelings at all. Finally admitting his feelings to at least someone was actually really nice, yet he definitely didn’t want anyone else to know.

Seeing that Baekhyun wasn’t going to reply, Jongdae continued on. “I’m serious though… I 

was talking to Minseok and—”

“WHAT?”, Baekhyun shot up and looked at his friend with terrified eyes.

“No, don’t worry, I didn’t tell him. It was just in general.” Jongdae immediately reassured his friend.

“You better! I don’t want him to know, he and Chanyeol get along great and you know how Minseok gets when he’s drunk. I trust him, but not when he’s drinking…” Baekhyun took a breath to calm himself. Maybe he was overreacting, but he couldn’t let this get out. Ever.
“Yes, of course, Baek, don’t worry. I promised I wouldn’t tell, didn’t I? And I didn’t even start it, by the way. Minseok did it himself. We were talking about how miserable you’ve been since Chanyeol left for his shooting abroad-”

“Thanks.” Baekhyun interrupted with a tone of irony.

“-and then he started saying how he used to think the two of you were dating and how the way you two act, you wouldn’t have any capacity to date anyone else either and if I was worried you’d end up alone because of it.”

Baekhyun wasn’t too surprised by his friend’s revelation. His roommate had talked about pretty much the same thing with him before. “So?”, he just replied. To him it didn’t matter. For himself, dating anyone else wasn’t even an option or something he thought about. And while he’d never be brave enough to actually talk about this with Chanyeol, all of the little free time Chanyeol had, he mostly spent with Baekhyun and while it might be selfish, Baekhyun wasn’t ready to give that up for the sake of “letting Chanyeol date”. Maybe that made him a bad best friend or even a bad person but he’s spent years in love with his best friend and all the hurt and pain that comes with unrequited love - he believed it’d be okay if he got to be a little selfish about it every once in a while.

“I know you say you’re good, but honestly, do you really think the way the situation between you two is right now is sustainable? I mean, you two basically act like you’re dating already, you barely functioned without him but realistically speaking, it’s not gonna get easier. He will get busier, he will be gone more often, he’s literally becoming the hottest property in our country’s acting scene right now… I mean, did you see him make that list of most named “ideal types by female celebrities” or that recording of that DJ that accidentally got caught saying “I’m straight but god even i'd hit that park chanyeol if given the chance" that went viral for days… I know you and I know you say you’re fine with the situation as it is, but for how much longer, Baek?”

He knew Jongdae meant well, yet Baekhyun started to feel uneasy. He could have at least left him five minutes of happiness before giving him a reality check. Of course he knew. He wouldn’t argue against calling himself delusional at times, but how couldn’t he notice the continued growth of Chanyeol’s popularity, and his rapidly filling schedule. Even when he first started working at the hospital while Chanyeol’s second drama was airing, all his colleagues were talking about was Chanyeol. How good looking he was, how talented, how cute his ears are, how pretty his eyes. How they’d give anything to date a man like him. And all Baekhyun could think was that he always knew that. He knew that long before any of them even heard the name Park Chanyeol. And yet they could so easily and freely talk about it, while Baekhyun suffered with these thoughts inside for years. It wasn’t the same of course, yet it still stung.

He thought it was kind of ironic. Chanyeol would keep telling him to make friends at work yet he was the very reason he hadn’t - not that he was actually to blame.

In his very first weeks at the hospital, the other nurses would always get together in their breaks and watch the new episode of Chanyeol’s drama, and after the 5th decline, they’d stop asking Baekhyun to come along. It’s not that he didn’t want to, but he promised Chanyeol to only watch it with him and back then his best friend’s schedule had still allowed them to. Cuddled up on the sofa with drinks and snacks while Chanyeol would excitedly rant about behind the scenes stories and the way Chanyeol’s eyes would light up whenever he saw Baekhyun enjoy the drama or give him compliments for it. As if Baekhyun’s opinion mattered more to him than any of the (many) Number 1 achievements and highly positive public reactions the drama and his acting had gotten. However those days seemed far away. It wasn’t just at his workplace now. Chanyeol was everywhere. Billboards, big ads, trending on social media. His best friend and secret love was wanted by many, in many different ways and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t affect him.

The positive mood from having just been reunited with Chanyeol was slowly dying down. He didn’t blame Jongdae. He knew his friend was looking out for him. Jongdae noticed the shift.
“I didn’t mean to ruin your mood, I just–”

“I know. You’re not wrong, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. I can’t ever lose him. You said it yourself, I don’t know how to be without him.” Baekhyun opened up. “And I don’t want him to feel betrayed, I’m his best friend and I’ve been in love with him pretty much since I learned what love is and never told him. I can’t just drop that bomb on him and hope everything will be okay.”

He didn’t like to admit it but Baekhyun was scared. Terrified. There might have been a time where confessing was actually an option to him but that time surely wasn’t now. Years he’d kept this to himself. The only secret he ever kept from Chanyeol, for solely selfish reasons. So he could keep loving him in silence without their relationship having to change. He was convinced his best friend would at least somewhat distance himself. Not in a mean way, but just in the things they were doing that felt beyond platonic to Baekhyun. Sure Chanyeol would still speak to him, spend time with him… but would he still hold him when he was sad? Would he still let him sleep in the same bed, cuddled up on his chest, if he knew? Would he do that thing where he’d softly map out star constellations on Baekhyun’s back with his fingers when the smaller was feeling stressed or overwhelmed? They wouldn’t be them and Baekhyun would have no one but himself to blame.

—

Exhausted. That’s all Baekhyun was feeling after a long day of work. There was a big car accident and work at the hospital was never ending, making him stay overtime. All he wants now is to fall into bed, order some food and never get up again. Well, and Chanyeol.

Noticing that his roommate, and Jongdae who was truly basically living here now too, wasn't home, he lets himself fall onto the sofa and picks out his phone to stop the music he was playing through his headphones on his way home. He doesn’t even need to do much to dial Chanyeo’s number, his name basically the only one on his recent call log. Patiently, Baekhyun waits for his best friend to pick up. He feels tired, almost ready to go to bed but experience tells him that falling asleep is gonna be easier if he heard about Chanyeol’s day first. He remembered the actor talking about how he’d have an audition today. Unfortunately, after many rings, Chanyeol’s phone goes to Voicemail and Baekhyun has to give up with a sigh. Not tonight then.

He contemplates rotting away on the sofa and scrolling social media until he’d eventually pass out, but decides he’d just get up one last time so he can get ready to go to bed and sleep. But just as he was about to get up, his phone rang with an incoming call from Chanyeol.

“ Sorry Baek, I was just on my way to the car, I couldn’t pick up right away. ”

Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile. Immediately he felt the stress from the day slowly being washed away upon hearing his best friend’s voice. He could hear the sounds of Chanyeol’s car through the speaker, assuming the actor was on his way home.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry”

“ You sound tired. ”

“Yeah, long day at work again.”

“ You want to talk about it? ”

Baekhyun hesitated. He wanted to speak to Chanyeol but he didn’t really have anything specific to talk about. He just wanted to hear from him. The actor’s life being way more interesting than his anyway.

“There isn’t really anything to talk about. It was just… work.”

“ So no new friends yet? ”, the actor asked as if he had never brought up the subject before.

“Not this again, Yeol.” too tired to argue Baekhyun sighed.

“ Listen, just hear me out, please. It won’t feel as exhausting if you have someone to occasionally have a laugh with at work. You might not think so, but you spend too much time there to not at least try and get a social factor out of it, too. You need to stop worrying what they’ll think of you and just be yourself. You'll make friends in no time, I know you will. You’re literally impossible not to like. ”

Baekhyun stays silent. He didn’t understand why Chanyeol was so persistent. He didn’t need any friends there. He didn’t care if they liked him. He had long accepted that he wasn’t a social butterfly the way Chanyeol seemed to attract people around him like a magnet and that was okay with him.

“ At least promise me to give them a smile every once in a while. ”

Baekhyun decides to give in for the sake of endíng this argument and sighs. “Alright.”

“ Good. But not too much! ”, Chanyeol adds with a little bit of a rush. “ Your pretty smile is lethal, if you do that too much, they’ll all fall in love with you right away and then you would just end up with a bunch of admirers and no friends after all… ” Chanyeol starts rambling on and suddenly Baekhyun was very glad that his best friend couldn’t see him. 

Ignoring the implications of -if they’re in love, they wouldn’t classify as friends- , he felt his cheeks turn red at the words. You'd think after years of secretly being in love with your best friend, Baekhyun would know how to not blush at the slightest compliment. But he had long given up on being any less smitten than he's been since the moment he had realized he liked his best friend a little more than he should. No matter how long it’s been, the way Chanyeol could make him feel like a teenager with their first crush never changed even for a single day.

“ You still there? ”

He hears Chanyeol seemingly parking his car at what he assumes was his home.

“Mhh, yeah, sorry. Anyway, enough about my exhausting life, tell me about your day. How did the audition go?”, Baekhyun changes the topic, wanting to recover from his moment of weakness. Chanyeol speaks up with clear excitement in his voice.

“ Oh! You won’t believe this! I’ve been so excited all day to tell you this, I was literally gonna call you while there but… ”

Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile while listening. It was nice to know that even if it was as a 

friend, Chanyeol thought about him during his busy day too.

“ ...you won’t believe who I met at my audition today .”

“Who?”

“ You have to promise, and I really mean it, you can’t tell this to anyone or tweet about it, even if it’s cryptic. ”

“Well now you’re just making me more curious.”

“ Promise me, or .. I’ll take away your Zarr cuddle privileges for a week. ”

Baekhyun pouts. That’s not fair!

“ I can practically hear your pout through the phone, just promise me. ”

Baekhyun couldn’t hold back a small giggle. Chanyeol knew him too well.

“Okay, I promise. I do want to add though, that that’d also be a punishment for Zarr which makes you a bad pet dad but…Now tell me please.”

“ It’s Doh Kyungsoo. ”

Baekhyun suddenly felt wide awake.

“What!? How!?”

“ Okay so, I’m used to seeing a lot of different, some famous, faces there, you know, but I immediately recognized him from the picture you used to have on your wall and I thought, you’re his biggest fan I need to talk to him, so I gathered my courage and went up and approached him. ”

“Oh my god, are you serious?”

“ Yes, Yes! So, I go up to him and introduce myself, he says he knows who I am, he’s seen my movie, we talk a bit and then he thanks me for talking to him because he’s nervous, it’s his first audition and- ”

“Wait, so he was there to audition too? I didn’t know he’d want to go into acting.”

“ I know! He said he always wanted to be an actor too but he didn’t have the chance so far! I told him I liked his music and I was just about to ask for an autograph for you but then he was called in and I didn’t see him again. But Baek, he really was so nice, I totally get why you’re so obsessed with him. ”

“I’m not obsessed with him! I’m just a normal fan…”, Baekhyun replies in a voice slightly higher than usual. Chanyeol knew him through all the phases in his life, yet he still couldn’t believe that he was never put off. His fanboying had calmed down a lot since he was a teen, however hearing his idol was going to dab his toe into acting made him really excited. He’s sure he’d be great at it.

“ You have a whole twitter account dedicated to him, which again, you can’t tweet about this, right! ”

Baekhyun regrets telling Chanyeol about that, especially because the younger would keep pressing him about letting him see the account, yet that would literally be his worst nightmare. He wasn’t just using it for Doh Kyungsoo, but also to lurk around in Chanyeol’s fanbase. While he didn’t actively participate, he followed a lot of Chanyeol’s fanpages and there was no way he could let the actor know that and give him ammunition to tease him.

“I won’t, I promise. But god, I wish I could. Everyone is gonna be so excited once it’s official.”

“ I know, I- ” Chanyeol is interrupted by a knock on his car window that Baekhyun can faintly hear through the speaker. “ I’ll be there in a second. ” Was he not at home after all?

“ Baek, I’m sorry. I have a meeting now and I'm already late. I’ll have to say goodbye now. ”

Baekhyun looked at the manual clock Minseok had insisted on putting up in their living room for ‘style’.

“At 10pm?”

“ Yeah, My manager wants to talk through my schedule or something, I'm not sure, I don’t 

really ask questions when they call me in. You should go to sleep now anyway, though. I know you’re tired, you’ve yawned at least ten times in the last five minutes. ”

Baekhyun offers a soft smile, despite knowing Chanyeol can’t see it. He knows Chanyeol has crazy schedules, yet he can’t help but notice how little time Chanyeol gets to himself these days. And still, like the good natured person he was, he’d worry about others more.  

“Take care of yourself, please. Make sure to get some rest too.”

“ Mhm. Goodnight, I’ll make sure to see you soon, Baek. Sleep well. ”

“Goodnight, Yeol.”

After they hang up, Baekhyun feels the exhaustion completely overtake him now. Of course, he feels better having talked to Chanyeol, yet his body didn’t really care about that.

After getting ready for bed and crawling under the covers, he still feels the need to do some scrolling on his twitter. Specifically to see if any of his fellow Kyungsoo fans were catching on to the singer’s new plans. Usually the “insider” knowledge Baekhyun would get through Chanyeol never really extended to people that were relevant to him - besides Chanyeol himself of course - so he felt really excited to be sitting on this piece of information now. Especially since he got confirmation from the most reliable source that Doh Kyungsoo indeed, seemed to be as lovely as Baekhyun had always thought.

Apparently Kyungsoo had sent his fans a message himself, talking about his exciting day and having new things in store. Baekhyun enjoyed scrolling through everyone’s theories on what the new things could be, only liking those that were correct in guessing “Actor Doh Kyungsoo”. He even felt brave retweeting one. It wouldn’t be breaking his promise. He continues scrolling for a bit until he notices his eyes begging to be closed and he let himself fall asleep, while hugging the worn-out lion plushie Chanyeol had gotten him for his 11th Birthday.

—

It’s a couple weeks later that the news break the Internet (or at least Baekhyun’s side of it).

Idol Singer Doh Kyungsoo to kickoff acting career in new drama, alongside rising acting star Park Chanyeol

Initially, Baekhyun felt immensely proud reading about it. The continued praise and trust by the public put into his best friend as an actor, being recognized for the things that Baekhyun always knew about him. And also proud as a fan of Doh Kyungsoo, with most people being rather excited than the usual controversy when an idol tries their luck with acting. 

Usually he tried to hold back on spending too much time diving into online spaces surrounding Chanyeol and his fanbases. He used to be all in at the beginning of his best friend’s career, being so excited for his first movie release, he’d constantly try and look for everyone’s reaction but Baekhyun quickly had to learn the downsides to it as Chanyeol’s fame continuously grew. While it had always mostly been praise which made him feel proud of Chanyeol, he really didn’t like reading even the tiniest negativity about it. Even if rationally he knew it was groundless, it hurt. He was well aware of the toxicity that people would live out online, yet he’d feel protective if he saw any of it directed at Chanyeol, simply because he was a celebrity now.

But the main reason he had to refrain from it was because he had been forced to realize that reading other people easily confess to having fallen in love with the actor, wanting to know more about him and saying unholy things about what they’d like Chanyeol to do to them - which sometimes still haunted Baekhyun even now - he had no choice but to accept that they were all braver than him. And it hurt. A lot. As far as it came to Baekhyun, those random strangers on the internet probably had a better chance of ever getting with his best friend than he did. Because if there was something else that would always haunt him, it was the ironically well intended words spoken to him on Chanyeol’s 18th Birthday. The only time Baekhyun had ever managed to muster up the courage to confess. He had been driven by fear of the changes to come when they’d finish school and eventually lead different lives, only for the words of confession to rest at the back of his throat forever.

“You’re my best friend in the whole world, Baek. I’ll never let anything come between our friendship. I need you by my side as my friend, forever.”

And while his heart clenched at the memory, he felt the same guilt again as he did back then. Because even now almost 10 years later, while Chanyeol would only ever see him as his best friend, Baekhyun was still here, pining after a love that will never be.

The feeling of guilt only continued to manifest as Baekhyun kept scrolling. He just wanted to do his usual brain rot of trying to find out the details of Kyungsoo’s new project, theorizing with other fans or look at memes, distracting himself from his real life. But all everyone on his social media feeds was talking about at the moment was the excitement to see the Idol with the nation’s most beloved actor. And how was the guilt not supposed to build up when he could feel his own excitement gradually die, the more posts he saw. Apparently people were really excited to see the two together. Especially anticipating the height difference the actor and idol would have when standing next to each other. Attaching pictures of them to prove their ‘chemistry’. It made him feel unfairly possessive of the actor. He might complain about not growing taller after sixteen and how having a giant for a best friend makes it stand out more, but secretly he loved it. The way he perfectly fit into the taller’s arms and the way Chanyeol would be forced to look down a little if he wanted to make eye contact. Not to mention stealing Chanyeol’s clothes and drowning in them and his scent.

But now, seeing everyone wanting those things for Chanyeol and someone else… it was enough for his stomach to go into knots and a green little monster to make its appearance. Letting jealousy dampen his excitement for this great opportunity - what a great best friend he was.

—

Baekhyun was looking around. As expected the table the waiter led him to was in a more secluded area. He could barely see any of the other guests from there but the restaurant was nice. Very nice. A bit nicer than where he and Chanyeol would usually meet up, which made him just a little more uncomfortable being here first and having to wait for the actor to arrive. It was too nice, probably too expensive for him as well. But it also gave more privacy and would have less people interrupting them to ask their favourite actor for a picture and signature. Being honest, he didn’t really care where Chanyeol would call him to meet up. He hadn’t seen his best friend in a couple days - the actor being really busy with preparation for his new drama - and Baekhyun was also very hungry after yet another 12 hour shift at the hospital. He felt like he only made it through thanks to the anticipation of getting to see Chanyeol again. Only a couple days that he hadn’t seen him, but it felt worse than usual, since he couldn’t even go online to distract himself anymore. 

Everywhere, there he was. Nowadays increasingly attached to Kyungsoo and their new drama. Baekhyun had failed in fighting off his jealousy. Somehow he felt that everyone seemed to now struggle between wanting Chanyeol for themselves or wanting him with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun hated it. Being easily jealous was nothing new to him and everyone in this country wanting a piece of his best friend certainly didn’t help but at least it used to be manageable, since he knew he was being irrational. But with Kyungsoo? Baekhyun used to call himself the singer’s biggest fan, if anyone knew how great he was, it was him. He should be happy. He should be excited. He should jump on the train and want them together too. But he couldn’t. He was selfish. The claim that nothing in the world mattered more to him than Chanyeol’s happiness, seemed void the minute Baekhyun thought of Chanyeol being happy with someone else.

Luckily, his self-destructing (and honestly a bit hangry) thoughts were soon interrupted by Chanyeol arriving in what seemed a bit of a hurry as he surprised Baekhyun by hugging him from behind where the smaller was sitting. Baekhyun couldn’t see him but he knew Chanyeol must have bent over quite a bit to reach him as he put his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder and exhaled a big sigh before going on a little rant. “Sorry I’m late. My schedule at the TV Station took longer and when I tried to leave early my manager stopped me and then when I finally was allowed to leave, I barely made it out of the building. It was crazy. There were so many people and fans and you know, I thought it was all Kyungsoo’s fans at first, but they’d stop me too and I didn’t want to be rude but honestly I was really overwhelmed, it’s never been this many people.” He takes another deep sigh as he lets go from Baekhyun again and takes his place on the chair on the other side of the small table. Chanyeol was now finally in Baekhyun’s view and while he was glowing as usual. Yet, despite the make up he was still wearing from his previous schedule, Baekhyun could see that he had been troubled just before arriving. “I’m starving.” the actor announces as he picks up the menu, still a bit jittery. Baekhyun gives his best friend a smile in hopes of sending some comfort his way.

“Same. And it’s okay. You being late I mean, I’m just glad you’re here now.”

Chanyeol looks up from the menu and smiles back, sending butterflies directly to the nurse’s stomach. “Me too.”

Baekhyun takes a second to look at Chanyeol a little closer. He didn’t look much different than he did a couple days ago, just more tired. Baekhyun might have been the one on a 12 hour shift but Chanyeol looked like he hadn’t slept in days, yet he would always remain the most beautiful person in the world. His cute dimples… his pretty eyes… his elf ears…

“I know I have less time these days.” Chanyeol’s voice takes Baekhyun out of his dream and back to reality. “It’s just that they really want to go all out with promotions on this drama. They’re trying to get Netflix to invest as well and the whole idol going acting thing is apparently gaining a lot more attention too.. but speaking of…”, Chanyeol’s eyes light up for a second and Baekhyun looks at him curiously as the actor moves get something out the shoulder bag he brought. Baekhyun doesn’t take long to recognize the photobook version of Kyungsoo’s newest album as Chanyeol places it on the table in front of him. It has a signature on it dedicated “ to kyoongie ”. Baekhyun immediately blushes and reaches over the table to softly hit Chanyeol’s shoulder. “Why did you give him my childhood nickname, it’s embarrassing!” The nurse couldn’t help but hide his face in his hands.

Chanyeol starts laughing out loud and while Baekhyun still felt embarrassed and just a tad annoyed, Chanyeol’s laugh was better than anything he could ever hear. The way his laugh could fill the whole room and everything within a meter distance should watch out for failing hands. If someone asked him for the sound of happiness he’d say it was Chanyeol’s laughter.

“It’s cute!”, Chanyeol defends himself after coming down from his laughing fit. “And Soo thought it was cute as well, by the way.”

Suddenly, Baekhyun’s mood dropped. That must have been a new record on how fast his Chanyeol induced happiness died. Soo . Baekhyun fought hard to not let his face show the change. “Soo?”, he couldn’t help but ask, doing his very best to keep a steady voice. “Hm?” Chanyeol, who was already back looking at the menu, hummed before looking back up at Baekhyun. 

“Oh. Yeah, he told me I can call him that. Apparently all his friends do. Actually, I think despite what the public sees, he’s a bit nervous about his first acting job. So I'm trying to do my best to help him where I can. He’s really great. I think it’d be nice to be his friend. And then you can meet him too one day.” Chanyeol clearly expects Baekhyun to be excited for this, yet his best friend only nods. He’s then saved from having to react further by the waiter coming over to take their orders.

So not just on the Internet but also when he was with Chanyeol, he’d now have to be prepared to be attacked by waves of jealousy. Great.

Over the course of their dinner Baekhyun tried to fight the twisting in his stomach and the irrational anger in his chest. He really tried to ignore it but somehow he couldn’t. He didn’t know why he suddenly got this jealous over something as simple as Chanyeol using a nickname for someone he met a couple weeks ago. When they met as children on the playground, it wasn’t even a day until they had given each other nicknames. But then again, their relationship was special.

Chanyeol would keep asking an unusually quiet Baekhyun if everything was okay and Baekhyun was forced to lie. It’s not like he could tell the truth. And he hated it, he was lying to his best friend and he was feeling angry over things that he had no right to be angry over. And Chanyeol noticed, of course he did. But Baekhyun forced him to pretend it was just because he was tired. To be fair, him being exhausted wasn’t a lie and was probably part of the reason he struggled so much to keep his emotions in check, yet it couldn’t really justify it.

After they’re done eating, Chanyeol insists on driving Baekhyun home instead of letting him take the bus, using the older’s tiredness as reason and after blaming it for his quietness all night, Baekhyun couldn’t really argue. In the car, he pretended to be asleep. It made him feel bad but he didn’t have the energy to keep talking. This is not how he and Chanyeol used to be. This was not how he wanted it to be. Never before had he even entertained the idea of pretending to be asleep to avoid talking to his favourite person. Usually he’d fight to keep the taller around as long as he could, talked with him as much as he could and definitely would never do anything to avoid him. Yet, here he was and the guilt was eating him up inside.

It must have been only the last five minutes of driving to his flat’s building that he dozed off for real, as he suddenly found himself woken up by a soft shake on his shoulder.

“We’re here.”, Chanyeol almost whispers as not to startle him and Baekhyun felt like melting 

right then and there. The nurse was still a bit dazed but somehow he suddenly felt clearer than he had since the moment Chanyeol brought up Kyungsoo earlier. How could he have let jealousy get the better of him and not let himself enjoy their time together? The butterflies previously held down by jealousy were fluttering in his stomach again simply awakened by hearing Chanyeol’s deep and soft voice talk only to him. They were about to say goodbye and Baekhyun had wasted all evening by being bitter.

The older of the two must have stared wordlessly for a little too long as Chanyeol’s voice appeared again. “Do you want me to come inside?”

Baekhyun glanced at the building to see the light in his flat on. Minseok was home and he knew Jongdae was out of town. He loosened the seatbelt and replied. “No, it’s okay. You should probably get home and get some sleep as well.”

As much as Baekhyun would love to make up for lost time now, Minseok was actually yet another person Baekhyun would irrationally get jealous of if Chanyeol was around. On other days he might have been able to control that, but with how affected he was by what happened earlier, he didn’t feel like taking the chance. Also, he really was tired and wanted to finally just curl up in bed and sleep. So he decided it was best to decline.

“Ah, well I actually need to go through some notes for this interview tomorrow before I can go to sleep but…” Chanyeol replied before Baekhyun chimed in. “Now? But it’s super late. You were at work all day, you shouldn’t have brought me home then.”

Worrying about his friend, Baekhyun felt like he should have taken more notice of how Chanyeol was feeling, instead of being occupied with his own thoughts all night.
However the actor only shrugs. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about me, I think you need your sleep more than me.” Chanyeol reaches out with his hand and as if making a point he softly pushes a couple loose strands of hair in Baekhyun’s face behind his ear, while softly speaking again. “I don’t like seeing you this exhausted.”

Baekhyun wants to argue. He was even about to rethink asking Chanyeol to come inside and stay with him for a bit, if just to force the actor to take some rest but as his heartbeat grows rapidly at the sweet gesture he feels himself forced to decide against it, before his best friend can take notice. He gets out of his seat and looks at Chanyeol once more, offering a small smile. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. Call me if you need anything. I have the afternoon off in two days, I’ll text you.”

Baekhyun only nods in reply before closing the passenger door and making his way to the front door. He knew that Chanyeol wouldn’t drive off unless he saw Baekhyun safely enter his building. One of the many lovely things his best friend did, that only made Baekhyun continuously fall for him deeper and deeper.

—

The next day Baekhyun was able to sleep in and only woke up around midday. After his long shift yesterday, he’d just have a short shift this evening. Despite getting long hours of sleep, he decided to crawl back into bed after his morning coffee and just do nothing until he would have to get up and get ready for work again. So just as he always would, it didn’t take long for his phone to find his hand and the social media scrolling to begin. But this time he felt prepared for it. Sure, he was being dramatic last night, letting his unjust jealousy take over and ruin his own time with Chanyeol. Yet in the end, it was him who got driven home by the actor. It was him Chanyeol had softly wished a goodnight to. No one else. Just him. That’s something a lot of people would kill for and yet Baekhyun didn’t even have to ask for it. Wanting more was just greedy.

And so the scrolling began. The first couple posts he would see were actually more like what his feed usually looked like, a lot of Kyungsoo and not really much of Chanyeol - unlike how it had been since the drama was announced. Yet the more he scrolled the more he felt like he had missed something. A lot of the posts he was seeing were pictures or small clips of Kyungsoo captioned with the words “ small, handsome, cute, soft ”. Sure, they all described the singer fairly well, yet it seemed to Baekhyun like he once again missed out on some inside joke within the fandom, seeing as multiple accounts were using the same wordings. But then it didn’t take long until he saw a video clip attached right next to yet another very pretty picture of Kyungsoo. The preview of the video was Chanyeol, presumably from the Interview he just had earlier today. 

The caption of the post read “ no one can convince me he’s not talking about kyungsoo ”.

Against his better judgement, Baekhyun couldn’t stop himself from pressing play.
The Video showed Chanyeol during his interview, answering a question about ‘ his ideal type’ . Baekhyun felt his heart rate picking up slightly. So far, whenever Chanyeol got asked that question he’d give a very basic answer that didn’t really say anything, yet something told Baekhyun that wasn’t how he answered this time.

‘ Well, I like people I feel comfortable around, someone that shares my humour .’

“I think our viewers would also like to hear about something more substantial. Like physical attributes.”

Baekhyun felt the question and the pressing on this personal matter to be a bit rude and knowing Chanyeol inside out, he noticed a certain uneasiness in him too, yet the actor was hiding it well. Unfortunately, Baekhyun knew Chanyeol couldn’t risk upsetting people and since it had been a live interview…

“ Ah well, I think every person is pretty in their own way… if I had to say though… I guess I like someone who’s maybe a bit smaller than me? Someone who’s handsome… cute… soft… ”

And this was where Baekhyun knew why everyone was going a little crazy on his feed. As Chanyeol was listing those things, a small smile broke through. One that was genuine. As if he was thinking of someone specific and Baekhyun immediately felt his stomach go into knots and his throat closing up.

“... reminds me of a puppy…”

He stopped the clip with a heavy heart and something ugly rearing in his stomach. Were they right? Was Chanyeol talking about Kyungsoo? Rationally, he knew he should put his phone away, take a breath, touch some grass and yet he scrolled down to look at the comments. Many comments, most of them agreeing with it. Baekhyun was on a mission to find someone who wouldn’t. It was stupid, but maybe one person would be enough for him to not completely spiral. So he kept scrolling. Kept reading. And even when he read comments from people pointing out not everything he said fit, others would argue again and Baekhyun quickly found himself in a spiral where he knew reading would just keep making him more upset but he couldn’t stop. He was looking for an answer he knew he wouldn’t get.

Unfortunately he also kept finding out more and more about why people were so happy to put Chanyeol and Kyungsoo together. While Baekhyun knew that the actor and the idol had seen each other a bit more over the last couple weeks - in preparation for the drama, there were actually a lot of instances where even in a group of people they’d be sticking together or sitting at the same table during breaks and things like that. It was almost a bit scary how much the public apparently had pictures of them together even from non-public situations. Sure, he was well aware of how celebrities would struggle to keep privacy and have it invaded constantly, yet it was still a bit jarring to see, especially when it was concerning his best friend.

Getting angry over this however wasn’t doing anything good to his already sour mood. Baekhyun could really feel himself spiral, he felt like screaming, crying and honestly just felt helpless. Sure, after so many years of secretly being in love with your best friend, there will be moments where it all feels a bit too much to bear but somehow he felt like today was the worst he’s felt since that unfated moment on Chanyeol’s 18th birthday. And the only reason he was able to go back to normal back then was because he had pretended to be sick for a couple days to avoid Chanyeol noticing his heartbreak. Maybe that’s what he had to do again. Put some distance between them. Certainly, he had to get normal about this. He couldn’t keep being so affected by Chanyeol simply getting along well with a co-star. It shouldn’t be as hard as faking illness this time, after all, Chanyeol was busier than ever currently and spending less time together would be inevitable anyway.

—

Contrary to what Baekhyun thought, it wasn’t all that easy to put some distance between him and Chanyeol. The actor would keep contacting him and trying to make time for him and eventually Baekhyun found himself back at Chanyeol’s place again after the actor insisted on having him over after a long day of filming. It’s not that Baekhyun wasn’t happy to see the actor, he always would be, but since his little spiral the other day, he couldn’t help but overthink everything . Not to mention the urge to simply ask Chanyeol if there was something going on between him and Kyungsoo but then he was too scared of the answer to even be brave enough to ask. Baekhyun was a coward and he was painfully aware of that.

The two best friends had just ordered food and were now trying to decide on what to watch while Chanyeol was venting about his day. Baekhyun was trying hard to listen and give appropriate answers yet he felt guilty for feeling on edge, just waiting for Chanyeol to mention something about Kyungsoo. And when he eventually did, words escaped Baekhyun’s mouth before he could stop himself. “You two seem very close.”

He was well aware of how jealous he must have sounded, yet Chanyeol didn’t seem to notice and Baekhyun wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. “Yeah, I mean, he’s great, you know that best yourself. And apparently the public really likes seeing us together so the producers encourage us to play into it for promotion. Apparently they’re close to get Netflix on board so they tell us to do as much as we can”

“Is that why you said all that in that interview?” Baekhyun interrupted Chanyeol, with words once again spoken on impulse. This was exactly why he had tried to avoid the actor.

“What?” Chanyeol asked, confused. He really seemed to be unsure what Baekhyun was referring to and Baekhyun quickly took the chance to take it back, before he had to explain and eventually get an answer he didn’t like. “Nothing.”

It seemed like Chanyeol was about to protest but luckily Baekhyun was saved by the bell as their pizza delivery arrived and Chanyeol got up to go and get it.

Baekhyun knew this would happen. He was being unreasonable and he should have stood his ground by staying away. Sure, he was happy being around Chanyeol, yet what good would it do for Chanyeol if he had to endure Baekhyun in this condition. Jealous and bitter and a liar. That’s what he was.

He makes sure to turn on the TV before Chanyeol comes back with the food, so as to avoid continuing their conversation and surprisingly it works. Once they finished their food in a comfortable silence, Baekhyun managed to calm himself down. It was a simple plan, watch this movie with Chanyeol, avoid all talks about Kyungsoo, or anyone else for that matter, and be the normal best friend Chanyeol deserves, before going home and taking another couple days to get himself in check.

But the universe is testing him as it seems. Once their food was finished and the pizza boxes put away, Chanyeol moved to open his arms for their usual TV-Watching position - Baekhyun curled up to Chanyeol’s side, resting his head on the taller’s shoulder.

But Baekhyun didn’t dare to move so close. He didn’t have it in him today to deal with the guilt. So he reacted quickly by calling Zarr up to the couch and having her sit in his lap to cuddle her instead. He doesn’t miss the flash of hurt in Chanyeol’s eyes at the gesture but he tells himself it’s for Zarr.

It’s after about 20 minutes of silently watching the movie, that Chanyeol speaks up and almost makes Baekhyun jump after the latter had gotten used to zoning out and focusing on nothing but the TV and Zarr.

“Is everything okay?” Chanyeol’s voice sounds almost wary. As if he had spent some time contemplating even asking this question.

“Yeah, why?” Baekhyun tries to answer as nonchalantly as he can. Nothing was okay, but it’s not like he could really say that.

“I don’t know… you’re quiet.”, Chanyeol then explains but he almost sounds a bit sad.

“Just trying to watch the movie.” Baekhyun dismisses his best friend’s concern and gives him a smile that he prays doesn’t seem as fake as it was. He didn’t want to worry Chanyeol but he didn’t see another way. It seemed like Chanyeol was about to argue when Baekhyun was once again saved by the bell, this time Chanyeol’s phone receiving a call.

“It’s security.”, the actor announces, a bit confused before he picks up the phone.

Baekhyun can’t really make out what the phone call is about as Chanyeol is only giving one worded replies like ‘No’ and ‘Okay’ but he keeps his eyes on the actor and can tell something is going on. Chanyeol seems to gradually grow more uneasy and tightening the grip his free hand has on the pillow that he’d been holding since Baekhyun rejected his cuddle invitation. The nurse wanted to take the tense hand into his, to loosen the grip and soothe the taller, yet he decided to wait and let Chanyeol explain what was going on first.

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun asks as soon as Chanyeol hangs up.

“I’m not sure.” Chanyeol looked a bit spooked. “They asked if I was expecting any more visitors and I said no of course. Someone apparently got through the front gate somehow and was looking for my place. They said they’d take care of it but….honesty, I’m not used to this kinda attention, I know it sometimes comes with being a celebrity but I’ve never been in situations like this before.”

The actor was clearly agitated and Baekhyun’s heart ached. He himself was spooked out by the idea of people being out there who had no right to do so. Chanyeol’s security system was great. Baekhyun himself had to go through quite the process when Chanyeol first moved in so he could be whitelisted and allowed to visit the actor. Back then it seemed excessive and both of them had complained. Now he was sure Chanyeol would be just as glad for it as Baekhyun was. Still, it broke his heart to see the actor like this, even more so as he still had that mental block that didn’t allow him to actually move over to him and hold him in comfort like he usually would. He was a hypocrite. He’d wish to do anything to make the actor feel better yet what he knew would help he couldn’t do for selfish reasons. Or was it? Because what Chanyeol needed was a friend to hold him and not a lying best friend that harbored romantic feelings for him.

Zarr had gotten out of his lap and went over to Chanyeol. She probably felt her owner’s uneasiness and Baekhyun’s heart broke at the sight in front of him. Chanyeol suddenly seemed so small in his space, his eyes focussed on his puppy, softly caressing her to comfort himself. He seemed vulnerable and Baekhyun hated seeing his best friend like this. Initially he hadn’t planned to stay any longer than the movie’s runtime but he couldn’t bring himself to leave Chanyeol alone like this.

“Do you want me to stay over?” Baekhyun’s hesitant suggestion seems to be the exactly right thing to say at this moment as Chanyeol liftshis head to look at him again and for the first time since that phone call his eyes looked alive again as he eagerly nodded with a hint of relief. “Yes, I’d love that. Thank You.”

Just as usual, Chanyeol let’s Baekhyun use the bathroom first. The actor had bought him a spare set of everything he needed to keep at this flat even before Baekhyun had first set foot in it, so there was no issue with the spontaneous sleepover. Until now the spare set of pyjamas had only been decor though as Baekhyun would always prefer stealing Chanyeol’s clothes instead. However today he opted to break in the corgi-patterned Pyjamas that he was now thinking he should have just stolen earlier to use at home. As expected they were really soft and of good quality and kind of wasted by being unopened for that long.

When he finished and went to the bedroom, with Chanyeol disappearing in the bathroom now, the consequences of his offer dawned on him. The bed. They’d always share it. Always. Even when they were teens and other people were sleeping over too. He remembered one time they were sleeping over at another friend’s place in high school and the couch seemed too small for two people so Chanyeol had insisted Baekhyun sleep on it. Yet it hadn’t taken long until Baekhyun had given up on comfort and curled up next to where Chanyeol had been sleeping on the floor, only for the then not-yet taller boy to also still be awake as well and a sweetly whispered exchange of “couldn’t sleep” - “me neither” followed, before Chanyeol would scoop to the side to make space for Baekhyun to put his arms around him on the too-small-for-two floor mattress.

Baekhyun shook the memory away and made his way to the big closet space on one side of the room. He had stood strong all evening, he couldn’t give up now. Getting in that bed and taking advantage of Chanyeol’s vulnerable state, knowing the actor would cling to him, wasn’t okay. So he opened the closet door he knew Chanyeol stored guest bedding in and prepared it on the floor next to the bed before lying down in it, to make sure he was settled when Chanyeol would enter the door. He contemplated pretending to be asleep as well but then heard the bathroom door close and knew there was no time and he’d have to pretend there was nothing unusual about him using the guest bedding instead. He took out his phone and appeared to be busy on it as Chanyeol entered the door. Baekhyun couldn’t see the actor’s face but his voice filled the room in an instant.

“What are you doing?”

“Going to sleep, dummy.”, Baekhyun joked without making eye contact, hoping if he made it seem like an obvious situation and stayed nonchalant about it, Chanyeol might drop it.

“But we always share my bed.” The taller of the two didn’t seem to want to comply and argued instead. Baekhyun didn’t dare make eye contact as he knew he’d probably give in and decided to stand his ground.

“I have an early shift.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I think you should get your uninterrupted sleep. I don’t want to wake you.”

“Then you take the bed, I take the floor.”

“No. This floor mattress is better than my regular bed anyway.”

“Baekhyun-”

“Just!” Baekhyun cut Chanyeol off, a bit harsher than he intended so he regulates his voice and finally dares to look the actor in the eye. “Just.. don’t argue. Please.” he begs.

The two of them hold eye contact for a couple seconds as Baekhyun hopes this was enough to make the actor drop it. Slowly, Chanyeol nods. “Okay.” he says quietly and Baekhyun can visibly see the taller deflate. Now he looked small again, yet this time it was Baekhyun’s fault. No one else to blame. It was quite the dilemma. He was a lying best friend if he stayed close and an insensitive best friend if he stayed away.

There’s an uncomfortable silence as Chanyeol crawls in his bed and turns off the big light. Baekhyun feels guilty and has the urge to give in and get up to crawl under those covers too, Chanyeol’s deflated face just now haunting him. He’s very well aware if he did that, he’d get the best sleep. Sleeping in Chanyeol’s arms would always be where he rested best. It actually used to be Baekhyun holding Chanyeol until the latter had experienced his growth spurt at 16. Now, he wouldn’t trust himself if he were the one with his arms wrapped around the other. After all, it was Baekhyun with the romantic feelings, could such a gesture from him even be as harmless as Chanyeol intended it to be? Chances are the nurse would never let go again, wanting to keep the actor just for himself. So he’d always wait for Chanyeol to initiate the cuddling. Even now, as they are fully grown adults, he leaves full control to his best friend to decide what is platonically acceptable for them. Whenever they’d lie next to each other he’d once again worry that this would be the night Chanyeol would grow out of the friendly affection and platonic closeness, yet it would never take long for his worry to leave and strong arms to wrap themselves around his torso. Tonight however he didn’t feel strong enough. His feelings for his best friend weighing him down too much, the jealousy making him feel exposed and guilty. Needing his distance he simply couldn’t crawl into that bed, knowing he could never push Chanyeol away if he was lying next to him.. he couldn’t do it. Even if he probably wasn’t going to get a lot of sleep like this.

They don’t say goodnight to each other and Baekhyun thinks the actor has probably already fallen asleep but was proven wrong when after what must have been at least half an hour of twisting and turning and failing to let sleep take over, he hears Chanyeol’s voice softly and tiredly speak up.

“I know there’s something bothering you. And you know I would do anything to take away any problem you might have… but I won’t pressure you and I trust you so just… know that I’m here for you… Always. And that I love you, okay?”

Baekhyun doesn’t manage to answer more than an acknowledging quiet ‘ Mhm ’. He has his back facing the bed, tears swelling up in his eyes and his throat closing up. He hated when Chanyeol told him he loved him. He hated it so much, because he knew Chanyeol expected him to say it back. To say that he loved him too. But he couldn’t, because the truth was that he did. He really did. He loved him so much more than what Chanyeol meant with those words and he couldn’t bring himself to say it, no matter how guilty he felt for always leaving Chanyeol hanging.

Baekhyun buried his face deeper in his pillow - tears now soaked up by the fabric that smelled like Chanyeol, just like everything in this place.

“Goodnight, Baek. Sleep well.”

—-

Baekhyun works hard on distracting himself over the next couple days. He picks up a couple extra shifts, tries to place them when he knows Chanyeol might ask him to hang out and overall does his very best to keep his distance. It rips him apart inside when he thinks about Chanyeol's words.

‘I would do anything to take away any problem you might have’

How he wished Chanyeol could. It would be better for the both of them if these feelings just disappeared but after so long, Baekhyun doubted that was possible. But he’d try. He’d have to. For Chanyeol.

“You look like hell.”

Baekhyun jumps from the sofa where he almost fell asleep while plagued by his thoughts. He holds his beating heart while turning around to see the cause of this disturbance. Jongdae stands there with bags, presumably from the grocery store down the street, and looks at him amused.

“I just didn’t sleep well. Work… and all that.” Baekhyun dismisses his friend and then walks over to help him put away his shopping. He guessed this was Jongdae’s way of paying rent since he basically lived here without officially living here.

“Didn’t you have a sleepover at Chanyeol’s the other day? Usually you live on that high for days.” Jongdae continues the conversation as they work together to strategically fill the fridge in a way that wouldn’t make Minseok have a breakdown.

“I slept on the floor.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know.”, Baekhyun sighed, but he knew. “I just go crazy when I’m that close to him… I don’t… trust myself anymore.”

Suddenly a voice from behind them speaks and this time, both of them jump. “I wouldn’t waste that chance. That’s sharing a bed with the nation’s most sought-after bachelor you’re talking about.”

Minseok, who must have already been home without the other two noticing, looks at their shocked faces in amusement. Baekhyun feels his cheeks turn red at being overheard while Jongdae seemed rather offended at his boyfriend’s words. “Hey! I’m a dream to share a bed with, too!” he insists and Baekhyun would probably laugh, if he wasn’t so scared of Minseok catching on to his dilemma from overhearing their conversation.

“See, this is why I never invite him over anymore.”, Baekhyun decides it’s best to act like their conversation didn’t hide anything deeper, “You just flirt with him and then I have to listen to Dae whine about it.”

Baekhyun deliberately leaves out the part where the last time this happened - before Jongdae and Minseok were officially dating - he and Jongdae both actually whined about how well Minseok and Chanyeol got along and then got drunk over it. Minseok was naturally flirty so he knew it was harmless, yet with Jongdae dramatizing the Situation due to his own feelings back then, Baekhyun got overthinking too. And even now that Minseok and Jongdae were solid - sometimes even annoyingly so - Baekhyun still preferred to keep his cute but lethal roommate and Chanyeol apart.

If Jongdae and Minseok continued the conversation after his comment, Baekhyun didn’t notice. Once the three of them have put away all the groceries, Minseok excuses himself for his gym session, leaving the two friends alone.

“Soooo…” Jongdae starts. “Did anything happen with Chanyeol? I know there’s days you’re feeling a bit bad about it but lately it’s felt like you’ve been feeling down a lot.”

Baekhyun sighs. “I guess.” Maybe talking would help. So Baekhyun starts explaining the whole situation and venting away. How Chanyeol was so excited to tell him about meeting Kyungsoo, and how Baekhyun was excited about it at first too. But then Chanyeol talked about him a lot and Baekhyun knew how great Kyungsoo was, why would Chanyeol not like him. And they’d be seen together all the time, they’d have interviews together and if they had them alone, they’d mention the other…

“... and did you know half the internet is talking about how good they’d look together!? And the ones that don’t, want to be with Chanyeol themselves. Now what makes me any different from all of them?”

Jongdae had been closely listening to Baekhyun’s rant and is now uncharacteristically looking at him with a serious expression. It made Baekhyun feel a bit uneasy. Usually Jongdae would keep the atmosphere light in these situations, indulging Baekhyun over his delusions and Chanyeol-related breakdowns.

“Well, for one, you actually know him and have been in love with him before he even graduated middle school. That’s very different. And secondly…” he hesitates a bit as he looks at a weary Baekhyun. “It seems you’re really hurting over this. I know I tell you this a lot but this time I’m really serious Baek. I don’t think you can go on like this much longer, you’ve been miserable and it’s affecting you a lot. You need to tell him or—”

“I can’t. You know I can’t do that!” Baekhyun immediately cuts in. Nothing would ever make him tell Chanyeol and Jongdae should know that.

“- or you need to get over him.” Jongdae ends his sentence and there’s a silence now slowly stretching over them. Get over him . It’s not like he never tried, but it always felt just as hopeless.

“I- don’t really think I can do that either…”, he admits with a small voice. Jongdae stays silent and it makes Baekhyun realize how genuine his friend was. It scared him a bit. Was his situation really that bad? Deep down he knew it was. “It’s not like I haven’t tried.” Baekhyun admits defeated. “I just don’t know how.”

Jongdae slowly nods and Baekhyun can tell he’s contemplating something.

“Well… I have an idea. I initially said there was no point because I knew you’d say no but…”

“What is it?” Baekhyun was really confused now and didn’t like Jongdae’s stalling even if it was probably warranted.

“Remember a couple weeks ago when I forced you to accompany me to visit Min at work because you were so miserable over Chanyeol being away?”

“Well, yeah. We went to the Café and you bought strawberry cake for me. What about it?”

“Afterwards, Minseok told me one of his co-workers, the barista that made our drinks, asked if he could give you his number. I told Minseok there was no point because you would decline anyway but…”

“You think I should date this guy? To get over Chanyeol?” Baekhyun was a bit in disbelief. Sure, it was good for his ego that a guy he didn’t even remember apparently was impressed by him but it didn’t really matter if it wasn’t Chanyeol. And he had serious doubts that going out with someone else was gonna help him move on.

“I think it wouldn’t hurt to try? I’m sure he’s still interested, I heard him ask about you again just a couple days ago.”

“I don’t know, Dae.”

“Just think about it. Maybe it will help to make your brain realize there are other people out there.” Jongdae says encouragingly. “But you need to let it.”

Later that night, Baekhyun lies in bed, ready to sleep. The note with the barista’s phone number is on his side table but he hasn’t touched it yet. He’s not really planning to. He promised Jongdae to think about it but nothing more. And he didn’t intend to - initially. But then he made the mistake of letting muscle memory open social media and doing his regular bedtime scrolling. And after spending too much time looking at the newest “Chansoo” content, and reading at least 20 love confessions to Chanyeol worded so much better than anything he could ever come up with, he reaches for the note with an exasperated grunt and decides, what the hell. Texting this guy won’t hurt, right?

—

Contrary to what he initially thought, Baekhyun actually has a good time meeting the barista for a coffee. It was good, but nothing more. Not bad but not all that exceptionally great either. Did it distract him from Chanyeol a bit? Sure. Did that last any longer than the couple hours they had spent together? No. As soon as Baekhyun had left the Café, the urge to call Chanyeol and tell him about it immediately emerged. Not even in excitement, but because he would simply always tell Chanyeol everything. One time he had even called him after a dentist appointment to tell him about it in detail only because he wanted to tell him about the funny hat another patient wore. And Chanyeol usually would always tell him about everything that happened to him too.

Today however, Baekhyun didn’t call his best friend. It’d feel weird and somewhat wrong to tell him about this ‘Date’ but he couldn’t really say why. He couldn’t predict a reaction and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know either.

Instead, it was Chanyeol that actually called him not long after, inviting the nurse to accompany him to some kind of private birthday party from one of the staff members of his new drama. Having run out of excuses and already put off meeting the actor too many times this week - and honestly just simply missing his best friend and wanting to see him again - he accepted.

So now there he was, dressed and dolled up as best as he could - with Minseok’s help - waiting in front of his building for the actor to pick him up. He was nervous, he’d prefer just spending time alone with the actor but Chanyeol had sounded so excited when Baekhyun agreed, he really wanted to do this for him. And he knew he could. He felt strong today.

He doesn't have to wait long for Chanyeol to arrive. The actor pulls up in his Mercedes and to Baekhyun’s surprise, gets out of the car after parking. Baekhyun’s not sure why, he knew they were a bit on a tight schedule and he could have just quickly got into the passenger’s seat so they could drive off again straight away.

Chanyeol was wearing a black cap and mask and non-brand clothing, which was basically his “disguise” when he was out in public. The actor would still have to meet up with his stylist and make-up team before going to the party, but Baekhyun had insisted on the actor picking him up before, so he wouldn’t have to do a detour by driving back. But there’s more than his disguise. There’s flowers.

“For you.”

The actor is holding out the beautiful bouquet made of yellow and white tulips for Baekhyun to take. “I saw them and they reminded me of you so I kinda had to buy them.”

The nurse takes them a bit stunned and doesn’t really know how to react. Sure, sometimes they’d bring each other little presents when they thought of each other… flowers were rare though, unless it was a special occasion like a birthday or graduation.

Upon taking them he immediately brings them to his nose and smiles when the pleasant smell spreads.

“Exactly.”

Baekhyun almost misses Chanyeol’s mumble and turns back to the actor to find him with a soft smile on his face, not as big as his own maybe, but he looked at Baekhyun and the flowers with such a fondness, he almost felt exposed and forced to look away.
“What?”, Baekhyun says as he comes out of his small trance. He’s not sure what happened and if he fell down into one of his delusions again, overinterpreting his best friend’s friendly gestures.

“Nothing. I’m glad you like them.” Chanyeol now gives him his signature happy smile. “Let’s Go.”

And with that the two of them get in the car and Baekhyun puts the sweet memory into the little box in his head that he only opens when he allows himself to delude into a world where his best friend might love him back a little bit.

—

It’s not the first time Baekhyun comes with Chanyeol to his stylist’s place. So he’s prepared when they have to walk a bit from the parking lot to the actual entrance, letting the actor guide him, even though he knows the way. The street is a bit busy but since Chanyeol’s disguise usually does its job as long as he keeps his head down, Baekhyun was quite anxious, still noticing people take lasting glances at them. He figures that even in disguise Chanyeol’s handsomeness will probably get people’s attention.

“You’re incognito and people still stare at you.” He points out to diffuse the situation, feeling like Chanyeol is a bit nervous about the stares, too.

“They’re looking at you, actually. Not me.” Chanyeol says with such finality - as if there was no room to argue. Baekhyun for the second time that day, feels too stunned to know what to say to his best friend. Surely he was wrong? He might have dressed up for the occasion a bit more than usual - and in full honesty, he was feeling himself today - but to claim he was the reason for people staring? Especially while walking next to THE Park Chanyeol? But Chanyeol doubled down, leaving Baekhyun even more speechless, he almost felt like believing him.

“I’d be mad if I didn’t enjoy the view so much myself.”

—

Baekhyun quietly sits on the couch behind the makeup table and watches while a make up artist powders his best friend’s face. When Chanyeol had offered for his team to take care of Baekhyun as well, he initially declined - finding fun in doing it himself - which now he was even more grateful for. His brain wouldn’t shut up about how soft and charming Chanyeol had been with him so far today and he needed to get his thoughts in order before the actual event. Of course the actor had always had his moments but somehow today it felt like a lot on his weak heart. Maybe it was because of the distance he had forced on them. 

Maybe he forgot that this was how Chanyeol always was. It wasn’t too unusual. It really wasn’t, but he felt weaker today. Maybe it simply was because he missed him. He’d cancel on him so many times, maybe Chanyeol was trying to make up for something that he didn’t even know. He enjoyed the view himself. Not the first compliment he got from Chanyeol about his looks. Not even the strongest probably. But again, said with such finality and determination… it was silly to think he meant it any other way than a platonic best friend, right?

Suddenly, Baekhyun’s thoughts get interrupted by an incoming text.

‘Had fun the other day! I’d love to meet up again soon, if you’re free.’

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol calls for him before he can even decide to reply. He looks up again to see the stylist has now moved on to work on Chanyeol’s hair.

“What?” Baekhyun asks.

“Nothing. Just wanted your attention.” the actor carries a mischievous grin and Baekhyun can only shake his head while smiling. “Idiot.”

He pockets his phone and forgets about the message he has just read and goes back to using this opportunity to shamelessly stare at his best friend getting ready for a fancy party where he gets to be his plus one.

—

Once they arrive at the actual party, Baekhyun is in a great mood. He and Chanyeol were enjoying their time together just like they always would and he was simply happy. No jealousy, no guilt weighing him down, just him and Chanyeol. Best friends since forever. At a party where Chanyeol knew everyone and everyone knew him, yet he never let Baekhyun stand stranded by himself. Always made sure the nurse was part of the conversation and introduced him to everyone they spoke to and avoided any awkwardness.

Sure, the multiple introductions were a constant reminder that he was nothing more than the ‘best friend’ , but still. They laughed, they smiled, they had a great time. Even when he finally met Kyungsoo at first, Baekhyun felt quite happy. Mostly excited and nervous, after all, he’d been a fan of the singer for years only ever having seen him from afar on a stage. And now he was being told “ It’s great to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. ” by one of the nations most loved singers. He wished he could have only found joy in Chanyeol having met Kyungsoo and getting to work with him, instead of his useless jealousy. But tonight, he was doing okay. For now, he had that under control.

Not long after Chanyeol officially introduced Baekhyun to Kyungsoo, the three of them are joined by another man. Baekhyun recognizes him as a Chinese singer called Lay, who apparently Kyungsoo is also friends with after an OST collaboration. The addition to the group makes Baekhyun feel more at ease. Contrary to what he might have feared, they are talking about things unrelated to their careers and lives of celebrities, making Baekhyun easily join and follow the conversation. Mostly they were talking about food and games, which were probably his favourite topics anyway - after Chanyeol of course. The constellation of four, doesn’t leave much room for Baekhyun to overthink and overanalyze any little interaction between his best friend and the singer he so easily gets jealous of.

After a while however, Baekhyun has to excuse himself to go to the bathroom and Chanyeol gives him a reassuring nod. Baekhyun understands it’s a promise to not walk off, so Baekhyun can find him again right where he left them.

When he returns however, he sees that Lay has now left. He stops, just looking at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo for a bit, which turns out to be a mistake. They were just talking. Not being any different than how they had before, yet seeing them from afar… Baekhyun couldn’t help but have all those many posts he had seen online flash through his head. Instead of having pictures and clips attached by other people, he got to see it play out with his own eyes.

[Don’t they have great chemistry?] They do.

[ Don’t they look so fitting next to each other?] They do.

[ Isn’t their height difference so cute?] It is.

Something Kyungsoo says makes Chanyeol laugh and from across the room Baekhyun can clearly see all signs of Chanyeol’s genuine laugh. The crinkles around his eyes. The claps. Chanyeol hitting who was standing next to him. The hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder that -  for Baekhyun’s liking - stayed there a bit too long.

[Don’t they seem perfect for each other?] … They do.

Baekhyun decided he needed fresh air. Why did the jealousy hit him so suddenly? He had it under control, he was feeling normal again. Why was he so miserable now?

Frustrated, the nurse finds a bench on the terrace outside, takes out his phone and opens a recently ignored message.

‘Sure. A second date would be great.’

—

“There you are! I thought you drowned in the sink or something…”

Baekhyun looked up. Chanyeol was standing in front of him with a grin. It can’t have been more than 15 minutes since Baekhyun excused himself and maybe 3 minutes since he had found that bench outside to sit and get some distance. Yet just as usual, there was no escaping Chanyeol and his feelings for long.

“Sorry, I just felt like I needed some fresh air with so many people inside.” It wasn’t a lie.

Chanyeol nods understandingly and his smile doesn’t falter as he sits down next to Baekhyun who pockets his phone again. He can tell Chanyeol is still in a good mood. The actor lets out a content sigh and moves just a tiny bit closer to his best friend, thighs and shoulders now slightly touching as they sit side by side.

“I had a great night.”, he announces and Baekhyun turns to look at him. He looks as ethereal as he always did, maybe even more. Cheeks a bit flushed from the freshness outside and hair softly flowing with the breeze.

 “Me too.”

Baekhyun wasn’t lying. Sure his mood took a complete 180 in the last 15 minutes, but before that he really did enjoy himself at this party out of his world.

“I missed you a lot. Over the last couple weeks.” Chanyeol still isn’t looking at Baekhyun, eyes fixated on the clear night sky instead. His voice was a bit quieter than before, with a hint of uncertainty.

“You saw me only a couple days ago.”, Baekhyun points out. Yes, he had tried to avoid his best friend and declined a couple of his invites, but that had only meant going from seeing each other 5 times a week to maybe 3 times. It wasn’t like when they couldn’t see each other for weeks when Chanyeol was away filming.

“I know. But it didn’t feel like you were actually there.”

Chanyeol's admission sounds a bit pained and Baekhyun immediately felt guilty. Maybe it was naive of him to think Chanyeol wouldn’t notice him retracting himself a bit. It was unfair to assume he could simply distance himself and keep Chanyeol wondering why. Whenever the actor had asked if something was wrong he had simply blamed it on being tired and busy at work.

However before Baekhyun can find the words to reply, Chanyeol speaks up again.
“But I’m glad you enjoyed yourself tonight. Thank You for coming with me.” He now finally turns to look at Baekhyun and smiles, setting off the Butterflies in his stomach. It was clear that Chanyeol wasn’t oblivious to Baekhyun’s behaviour over the last few weeks. He realized that now. But even tonight when it all seemed normal again, he rather spent the time with his best friend than risk an argument by bringing it up. Because Chanyeol was kind like that. In the end, Chanyeol had been having a great time, with his friends and colleagues and here Baekhyun went, ruining it once again by letting his feelings get in the way.

“You look tired.” He says, again before Baekhyun can reply. Effectively putting the previous conversation to rest. “Let’s say our goodbyes and go home.”

“No, no, please. I don’t want you to leave yet because of me. I’m okay if you want to stay. I just wanted some fresh air.”

Chanyeol contemplates for a second, looking right into Baekhyun’s eyes before sighing. “Then I am tired. We’re leaving.”

Baekhyun could tell Chanyeol was lying for his benefit. Chanyeol saw right through him. Of course Baekhyun didn’t really feel like staying, craving the comfort of his - or Chanyeol’s - bed. Chanyeol had always been able to tell when Baekhyun’s social battery had run out and he wanted to go home no matter how much he tried to hide it. He appreciated it a lot of the time, but he also wished the actor would think of himself more and stop putting Baekhyun first. For multiple reasons. Yet he also knew his best friend well enough that these arguments never ended in him actually convincing Chanyeol to stay.

They make a quick round to say their goodbyes - Baekhyun getting to hug Kyungsoo too, yet deliberately making sure to look away when Chanyeol gave the singer a goodbye hug, not wanting that to be yet another image carved into his mind. While saying goodbye to Lay, the singer gave him a couple more food recommendations that Baekhyun gladly took.

When they get to the front entrance to leave, however, Chanyeol’s manager suddenly comes through the door towards them.

“What are you doing here?” Chanyeol asks, confused and Baekhyun isn’t sure what to think either.

“It’s better if you go out the back exit. There’s lots of people waiting outside. Going to your car is too risky, so I called you another driver.” He explains and gives the two no time to reply. ”Let’s go.”

While Baekhyun is still processing as they are rushed to the back. He’s not sure what exactly is going on and why people would even care enough to show up in front of a private party when all they could see was celebrities walking past. Especially so many that apparently they deemed it safer to abandon Chanyeol’s car and take another exit instead. Still, he follows Chanyeol and his manager until he and his best friend are safely seated in the back of another car.

Once the car starts and Baekhyun is settled, he glances next to him and sees Chanyeol look quite retracted. He’s quieter than usual and Baekhyun notices him nervously picking at the fabric of his pants where he has his hand placed on his knee. A habit he usually only sees him do before exams in school or big auditions. Chanyeol was feeling anxious, badly so.

He thinks if there is something he can say to comfort him but Chanyeol quietly speaks first. “I’m sorry for the hassle. I had such a great time tonight. Everything has been a bit more hectic lately… Many people are interested in everything I do… follow me everywhere… I mean there were lots of celebrities at the party tonight I guess… I just hope no one got into the actual party…” Chanyeol quietly vents out his feelings and Baekhyun’s heart aches. “I know you don’t like being put in the spotlight like that so I hope you’re not worried. I’m sorry I don’t know how to get them to go away… the company says they’re taking care of it but I feel like there’s people always watching my every move and tonight I felt so safe and… maybe I need to learn to get used to it.”

The switch from happy and carefree Chanyeol to the anxious man in front of him now was jarring. How had he not realized how much Chanyeol had been struggling with this? The actor’s hands were shaking and Baekhyun couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to hold the one closer to him and softly running his thumb over the back to calm his best friend down. He knew the contact would comfort Chanyeol more than his words could. Words were for when Chanyeol was unsure. When he just needed some affirmation. But if he was feeling really upset, anxious or even angry, all he really needed was comfort and to feel that Baekhyun was there. One of the many things Baekhyun had learned with years of unrivaled friendship. If he could, he would pull the actor into his arms but sitting in the back of a stranger’s car the way they did, he knew he couldn’t.

Regardless, Chanyeol immediately relaxes at the gesture and gives Baekhyun a small smile before letting out a sigh and resting his head on the nurse’s shoulder. It wasn’t often that Baekhyun had to comfort Chanyeol like this. At least not since Chanyeol had succeeded in his career and wasn’t plagued by the uncertainty of his future anymore. Baekhyun couldn’t help but wonder how much his best friend might have needed him over the last few weeks while he was too selfish to notice.

—

Since the party, Chanyeol started opening up to Baekhyun a little more about his struggles with paparazzi and crazy fans. Baekhyun can tell he’s still holding back, minimizing how much it’s really affecting him, but at least he can try to be there for his best friend now. It’s like he was holding himself back, knowing Chanyeol, he probably worried about burdening Baekhyun, not realizing he would never, ever feel burdened if it was Chanyeol that needed him. He feels angry at himself, having let jealousy blind him so much he wasn’t there for the  most important person in his life, when he had needed him. Even now, he was struggling to keep up with Chanyeol and not let himself be dragged down over how much time the actor was still spending with Kyungsoo. 

To be fair - most of that is truly only at work now, however the fact that Chanyeol was working pretty much 20 hours a day - now that they officially started filming for the drama - didn’t really help either. Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol was overworked. He’d wake up for his 6am shifts, finding messages from Chanyeol, realizing the actor was only on his way back after a full day and night of filming. He’d call him on his way to work and make sure he would actually rest and eat, but Baekhyun’s own work schedule didn’t allow him to work on that as much as he wanted to. And then he was also exhausting himself by fighting hard against getting upset and jealous. It was when he had checked the internet for information on Chanyeol’s schedule, after he couldn’t reach the actor for 10 hours straight, that he found that apparently, additionally to Kyungsoo, people now also shipped him with actor Kim Junmyeon who had a guest role in the drama. Great. Yet another guy with many, many awards to his name, mainly as a musical actor. Something Chanyeol also very much liked. Another guy, Baekhyun felt he could never hold a candle to. The basis for this ‘shipping’ was a behind the scenes picture from filming in which Chanyeol’s head was resting on said guy’s shoulder while he was seemingly asleep. Baekhyun could clearly see the exhaustion even just in a bad quality picture. Chanyeol wasn’t someone to simply fall asleep, he’d actually struggle to sleep anywhere that wasn’t his own bed and usually wouldn’t even fall asleep on the sofa. So now Baekhyun was worried additionally to being jealous and the mess it was causing with his emotions was something he very much did not enjoy. Looking at the picture however, all he wanted was to pick Chanyeol up from that set and make sure he got his 8h of sleep and three meals a day. But all he could do was send a simple text message that probably wouldn’t be read until the late hours of the night.

‘Please take care of yourself. Rest, if you need to.<3’

—

Chanyeol’s crazy schedule doesn’t stop. Finally he had at least an evening off and he and Baekhyun were able to have a pizza and movie night, which was really just Baekhyun putting on a boring movie so Chanyeol would be able to fall asleep fast after eating. In the morning, the actor had complained about sleeping through the little time they had together nowadays but Baekhyun couldn’t even feel sad about that anymore, knowing how much more well rested Chanyeol had already seemed. Still, it was only one day later that Baekhyun woke up to an unread message from Chanyeol - sent at 4am.

‘One more scene to go for tonight. I’m so tired. Wish I was back at my couch with you eating Pizza. Did you have a nice dinner at least?’

He replies, asking for him to take care and get enough sleep. He realizes the actor is likely asleep right now, when he doesn’t receive a reply. Still having a bit before he needs to get to work, he opens twitter to pass the time.

His timeline is once again filled with behind the scenes content from Chanyeol’s drama. Obviously he hadn’t unfollowed all the Kyungsoo fan pages - he was still a fan of him after all. The posts contain a lot of the usual stuff until he stumbled upon a story supposedly from a staff member on set. It spoke of the crazy filming schedule and how they were worried because apparently one of the actors - who from the way it was phrased was obviously indicated to be Chanyeol - woke up after a nap on set from a nightmare. Baekhyun’s heart sank reading the words. He couldn’t tell when it occurred but it seemed recent, maybe even last night. So he sent another text Chanyeol’s way.

‘I can come over and bring more Pizza after my shift tonight, if you want.’

In his many years of knowing Chanyeol, he’d never known the actor to have nightmares, yet something told him this story was true. And he hated it. Hated the thought of Chanyeol sleeping all alone on that set without his best friend by his side. How would anyone else know which spot between his shoulder to massage to comfort him? The selfish part of him didn’t want anyone else doing that anyway.

He sighs and continues scrolling. Again, people talking about Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Chanyeol and this Junmyeon guy. Chanyeol and…. that one actress he did a commercial with three years ago and never interacted with again? Apparently they wanted Chanyeol with just pretty much anyone who was pretty enough to not completely be overshadowed when standing next to him. Anyone that wasn’t Baekhyun .

And then he had an idea that he wasn’t proud of. Baekhyun went to the search bar and looked for something, he had sworn himself he never would again. Slowly, he typed in the keywords:

Chanyeol Childhood Friend

Chanyeol Old Instagram

Chanyeol Beanie Guy

‘Beanie Guy’. It’s how Chanyeol’s fans, when there used to still only be a few of them, had used to call Baekhyun. Of course, the two of them had been spotted together. Of course people had previously found Baekhyun’s Instagram through old - now all archived - posts on Chanyeol’s Instagram. Of course, Chanyeol’s die-hard fans were well aware of Baekhyun’s existence.

Early on in Chanyeol’s career - when fans would get a little too interested in the guy with the Beanie Chanyeol would often get seen with - they had made the mutual decision for the sake of Baekhyun’s privacy, that they would archive their shared posts and for Baekhyun to private his socials. There wasn’t much of a fuss about it. Chanyeol had written a small post asking for the privacy of his non-celebrity friends and for them to respect their wish not to be identified. Not being the celebrity he was now - and the pictures not really showing something scandalous - meant people respected it. And that had been that. At least for most. But Baekhyun was well aware there were a couple fans from back then, who with no malicious intent, knew who the guy with the Beanie, who would still show up around Chanyeol, was.

A couple years back, just out of curiosity he had deep dived a little. Trying to find out how much of his presence was actually still known across Chanyeol’s fanbase. And while there wasn’t as many pictures or actual personal details - there had been theories. Many.

‘Do you think they’re dating and that’s why they’re so set on keeping him private?’

‘Oh definitely! Don’t you see how Chanyeol always looks at him in those pictures? Man’s smitten’

He wasn’t able to describe how that had made him feel back then. It was only a few people with a single digit number of likes on their posts, yet it felt almost validating. Like there were people who rooted for him. People who didn’t even know him - or Chanyeol for that matter. But it had also made him spiral. Badly. Craving even more validation, overthinking and checking online whenever he felt like maybe he and Chanyeol were spotted outside, it had made him be a bit reckless so he forced himself to stop. He had also met Jongdae around that time who made him realize that maybe he just needed someone to talk to and he swore to himself to never seek out that side of Chanyeol’s fans again. For his own sake.

But somehow, right now, he wondered. Were they still there? Did they still care about him? Did they realize how much he was still a part of the actor’s life? That he had been there long before any of these shiny fancy new people.
So he searched. It took a while but he also found them.

‘you ship chanyeol with every human he breathes the same air with, meanwhile I’m still waiting for the wedding announcement for him and Beanie Guy, we are not the same.’

Baekhyun couldn’t help but giggle. He hadn’t even thought about confessing since they were teens, yet these people thought a wedding was in the cards. But before he could indulge and daydream in the thought of being married to Chanyeol he noticed the tweet had gained quite a lot of traction, not just single digit number likes. Of course, Chanyeol was a lot more famous now, still, he wasn’t sure what to think. Especially since it seemed a lot were disapproving.

[give it up]

[who? can someone fill me in I’m new] – [they talking about some non-famous childhood friend chanyeol gets spotted with from time to time don’t listen they’re delusional]

[idk why people keep bringing him up when chanyeol specifically asked to keep his privacy… i better not see anyone share those pictures]

[same! remember that one pic of them at graduation? god I wish they hadn’t archived all that]

Baekhyun knew which picture they meant. In the hectic of the day, Baekhyun and Chanyeol had mixed up their graduation gowns and only realized when they put them on after getting out the car. While Chanyeol’s only reached his knees, Baekhyun was drowning in his. They had been laughing so hard, Chanyeol had insisted on taking pictures before switching back, saying ‘you look too cute, we need to capture this’ which was why Baekhyun was sporting a shy smile and blushed cheeks in the picture while Chanyeol was looking at him with a massive grin. Baekhyun couldn’t lie - it looked like a couple’s photo and it was one of his favourites too. It was still on his Instagram actually, but only his closest friends and family had access to it now.

It’s where he should stop. Yes, he really should. But he doesn’t. He keeps looking, keeps reading. And it annoys him.

[maybe they’re not even friends anymore I don’t think we’ve seen them lately]

[people obsessed with chanyeol’s love life are so annoying]

[he said it’s his friend believe him instead of shipping him with some unknown]

[as if anyone could hold a candle to kyungsoo lol]

It really annoys him. What do all these people even know? He and Chanyeol were as close as ever and none of these people would ever have the connection they had. In fact, it took all of his self-control to not simply unprivate his Instagram again. Just to see what would happen. On there he had actually only recently posted a picture of him and Chanyeol from that party they went to a couple weeks ago. With Chanyeol commenting about how Baekhyun ‘outvisualed’. Maybe if they saw all that, then people would ‘ship’ them too.

“You’re still here?”

Baekhyun jumped as he yelped and on instinct hid his phone as if he was looking at something illegal. Jongdae - who apparently slept at their place again - was yawning as he walked towards the coffee machine on the other side of the kitchen island Baekhyun had been sitting on with his breakfast. It takes him a second before Baekhyun’s heart rate settles and he checks the time to realize he is about to be late for work.

“Fuck, I’m gonna be late.”

He doesn’t curse a lot, but he really was late. He hurries to down the rest of his breakfast and rushes as he grabs his things.

“This is what you get for daydreaming about Chanyeol again.” Jongdae jokes and as Baekhyun stops his hurrying for a second to look at him like a dog that just peed on his owner’s couch, Jongdae realizes he was spot on.

“Jesus, Baek, just get to work now, I’ll scold you later.”

Baekhyun nods and within minutes is out the door, speed walking to the bus station.

While still catching his breath after successfully having caught the last bus, that would at least make him only a couple minutes late, he gets a reply from Chanyeol that makes him frown.

‘don’t worry, I got almost 3h of sleep’

‘I’d love that :( but i already promised kyungsoo to help him run some lines’

‘let’s meet for lunch tomorrow instead, we’re shooting on location close to the hospital, i can try and align my break with yours!!’

As if being late for work wasn’t enough, he now also had to get through his day in a sour and jealous mood. Great.

—

The next day however, Baekhyun feels very different. Chanyeol actually manages to move his break so he and Baekhyun can meet up for lunch and it was almost comical how much it affected Baekhyun’s mood at work. While the nice lady that always gave Baekhyun candy - which he technically wasn’t allowed to accept but still did - had pestered him about his snappiness yesterday, she did not hold back that day to keep prying on why Baekhyun was suddenly sporting a grin and happy mood. Making up her own theories about his love life - which were obviously all wrong - Baekhyun didn’t have a love life - Baekhyun indulged her, giving all patients a little extra care today. Chanyeol was his mood maker, always had been. So by the time he arrives at the diner they had planned to meet up in - Chanyeol’s manager deeming it as safe - yesterday's sour mood was completely forgotten.

Unfortunately, upon seeing Chanyeol, Baekhyun could immediately tell the actor wasn’t carrying the same kind of energy in him. Chanyeol looked visibly tired, even through his heavy filming make-up. While his eyes light up a little when he spots Baekhyun, his best friend can still tell that even if it’s just noon, Chanyeol must have worked hard and slept only little.

“Hey, you okay?”, Baekhyun greets his best friend and motions for him to not get up for the greeting. Yes, he loved his Chanyeol hugs, but he also didn’t want the actor to exert himself any more than he had to.

“Yeah, just tired. Today’s filming location leaked, so there were a lot of people around the set. It was a bit of a hassle to get here, but I’m glad I’m here now.” Chanyeol ends with a smile and Baekhyun knew it was genuine. “How was your shift so far?”

Deciding not talking about his own work would probably do Chanyeol good, Baekhyun starts to tell him about his new favourite patient and the candy and even gifts him one, as they order food. He can tell during the duration of their lunch that Chanyeol slowly relaxes but there’s something constantly putting him on edge and Baekhyun also couldn’t help but notice the team of managers and even one or two bodyguards having their lunch close-by. Chanyeol apologizes for it but Baekhyun assures him he isn’t bothered. He was, but not because of himself. He wished there was no need, that Chanyeol could still follow his dream of being an actor without all that. But even with all that staff around, he wasn’t oblivious to the people inside and even the ones outside the window, sneakily trying to catch pictures of Chanyeol. It made him feel angry and he was sure Chanyeol noticed too.

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol suddenly apologizes and Baekhyun looks at him confused.

“For what?”

“You’re probably in those pictures too. I know most of them will blur you out but…”

It was almost predictable how selfless Chanyeol was. The actor himself being obviously bothered by the invasion, yet he worried about Baekhyun first.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay.”

Baekhyun’s tries to assure him, yet Chanyeol tilts his head while looking at him a bit confused. “Really? I know you didn’t really like being caught in pictures like that.”

Baekhyun just shrugs and takes a sip of his drink to cover. He feels almost dirty. Chanyeol wasn’t wrong, he used to not like it. Yet he couldn’t help but think about all the things he read online yesterday. ‘ Haven’t seen them together in ages .’ Well now they would. He knew it was wrong to think like that but he couldn’t help it. He had no claim on Chanyeol, yet knowing people might recognize him as ‘Beanie Guy’ (he swears he wasn’t wearing one on purpose today) felt just a teeny bit triumphant. And it’s not like he could stop them from taking pictures anyway.

“Hmm… well I can’t have them fall in love with you at least. You know I’d get jealous.”, Chanyeol then adds on before nonchalantly returning to eating his lunch.

Baekhyun wonders if Chanyeol meant jealous of him or them and for once something in the way Chanyeol says it, makes him believe there is a tiny chance he actually meant them.

—

At the end of this very long day, Baekhyun collapses onto the sofa in his flat. He’s tired from work and all the people he had to share a bus with after another one didn’t show up. But he was still happy. He thinks of Chanyeol and their little lunch ‘date’. It wasn’t a lot, but he was at least able to distract the actor and had even later received a message from Chanyeol saying he felt recharged and was able to shoot some scenes in less takes than usual, resulting in him getting off work earlier that day than expected and getting to visit his parents again after quite a while. Baekhyun was already expecting a message with greetings from the Park’s any minute.

Yet he also couldn’t help but wonder about those people taking pictures. Had he really been caught in them? Did it revive the speculation about him and Chanyeol? Did people find them ‘ship-worthy’ again?

So he opens twitter. He doesn’t get far in looking for them however since a new photoshoot of Chanyeol for some perfume brand has been released. As usual, his best friend looked stunning in every single picture. He saw the same accounts who only yesterday were worrying about the actor’s wellbeing amidst his busy schedule, were now talking about how badly they wanted him, apparently needed him even. Annoying. But again, braver than he would ever be.

He also wasn’t sure why his algorithm hated him by making it worse. He tortured himself, continuing to scroll down on many many posts putting these new pictures of Chanyeol next to other people as well. Mainly Kyungsoo, but pictures of Kim Junmyeon seemed to pop up too and that one random extra, and-

“That can’t be healthy.”

He didn’t notice Minseok walking in the room, now looking over his shoulder directly into  Baekhyun’s phone. Technically, it was snooping but Baekhyun was too tired and annoyed at strangers to care. He only grumbles in reply. “It’s not like I’m searching for it. I’m just scrolling.” he defends himself. He’s not sure how much Minseok caught on to what he was doing and why.

“No one is forcing you. Just mute his name, I don’t get why you’re so bothered.” He reads the post that was still showing on Baekhyun’s phone. It was a snippet of an Interview Chanyeol did to promote the perfume. “You guys have a weird relationship. You’re bothered so easily yet swear you don’t want him like that. Are you sure you don’t?” Minseok says and Baekhyun can tell he isn’t actually being too serious. If he denied it now, Minseok would still believe him because that’s what he had done for ages now. But he was tired. Tired of pretending he wasn’t hopelessly in love with his best friend and the fact that half of the country was too, bothered him. So he just sighs and it seems enough for Minseok to catch on.

“Oh.” His voice now sounds almost pitiful. Baekhyun can’t blame him. Hell, he pitied himself. 

“Well, then even more so. I know I was just joking but.. don’t look at all that. It’s just gonna drain you. People online are miserable most of the time, that can be draining even if you’re only a little involved but you’re….”

“I know. I’m all in.”

Minseok slowly nods and reaches over Baekhyun’s shoulder to lock his phone.

“Listen, what people talk about online, especially the negative things, it almost never reflects reality. No one knows Chanyeol better than you do, so stick to that. Ignore the rest.”

Baekhyun nods. He can’t deny that 80% of his troubled thoughts came from things he read online rather than things that actually happened with Chanyeol in real life.

“Anyway, Jongdae cooked. I actually only wanted to call you for dinner.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.” Baekhyun says and unlocks his phone again. He saves a couple of his favourite shots from Chanyeol’s photoshoot and then opens the app’s settings. Maybe muting Chanyeol’s name and blocking all that out will really help and let him focus on reality again.

—

For the hundredth time, Baekhyun checks his phone. No new notification. It wasn’t all too unusual for Chanyeol to be busy while working and not replying, but usually he had at least one break by now. It wasn’t something important that Baekhyun had sent but still. Somehow it felt like a long silence to him. Maybe because he himself had such an early shift that he was already off work again and bored. His social media timelines turning quite boring too, since he muted Chanyeol’s name. Hopeful that the reason the actor wasn’t replying, was because he’d use his breaks to rest, he pockets his phone and continues sipping on his strawberry-latte. After his shift he had decided to go visit Minseok at work and get a free drink out of it. He was worried if he spent too much time alone at home he’d be tempted to unmute Chanyeol’s name, especially now with not having heard from the actor since last night.

What he didn’t consider when deciding to come here however, was the high chances that he’d run into someone he had unintentionally ghosted.

“Ahh, so you are still alive.” Baekhyun notices the barista only when he returns his empty cup before leaving.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I totally forgot. I’ve been really busy with work and…” worrying about the guy I’m trying to use you to get over.

“It’s okay, I understand. I will kind of insist on that second date you agreed to though.”

Baekhyun can tell that despite the use of definite words, the barista would accept a ‘No’ if he gave him one. Yet he wasn’t sure. He did say he would go out with him again. Last time it helped him forget, even if just temporarily. And if he was being honest, the reason he hadn’t heard from Chanyeol all day could very well be because his best friend was busy having lunch with Kyungsoo, or whatever.

“If you’re not interested you can tell me, I’m not made of glass.” The guy says, obviously picking up on Baekhyun’s reluctance. “It’s not that…” he tries to explain, but can he?

It felt a bit crazy, Baekhyun knew that objectively the barista was very, very attractive and technically even completely his type. Rationally, there was no reason not to pursue this.

“Good, then let’s meet here tomorrow at the same time for a second date, unless you’re working.”

The barista suggests and Baekhyun decides to give in. There was no harm in a little second coffee date, so he agrees. He would be on the same shift as today, so he’d even have time to have a quick shower after work before coming here again. And supposedly Chanyeol was working then too, so it’s not like he had anything better to do.

—-

Baekhyun had just finished drying his hair and grabbing his stuff to leave when he decides to check his phone one last time. Finally, Chanyeol had sent him a message late last night that didn’t entail more than the usual ‘I’m tired. I miss you.’ and while he was glad to have heard from him at all, he missed talking to him. Their last phone-call had also been four days ago. At least he didn’t have to mention what he was up to today. But again, no new message since then, despite Baekhyun’s request to meet up soon. Having muted the actor’s name on social media, he really wasn’t up to date on filming and Chanyeol’s schedules anymore. He just wished he was taking care of himself.

So he checks his appearance in the mirror once more and then leaves his room. He finds Jongdae sitting at the kitchen counter, seemingly surprised to see him - or maybe he was just surprised to see him dressed normally and not in his (actually Chanyeol’s) stay-at-home comfy clothes.

“I didn’t expect you to be home.” Jongdae says, again, as if he was the one living with him.

“I’m leaving now.”

“How’s Chanyeol doing?” his friend asks and Baekhyun isn’t entirely sure what prompted the question but it didn’t feel like Jongdae was trying to tease him so he replies.

“Uh, good, I guess? Why?”

This makes Jongdae look at him confused until his eyebrows slightly raise in realization. “You don’t know.” he states.

Instantly, Baekhyun’s heart rate picks up. What didn’t he know? And what did it have to do with Chanyeol?

“What do you mean? You better tell me, now!” he demands. If Jongdae’s expression was anything to go off on, then this wasn’t good.

“Don’t freak out, but apparently Chanyeol collapsed on set this morning. They had to call an ambulance or something. I don’t know the details, I’ve only read about it online like an hour ago. That’s why I thought you were with him.”

Baekhyun feels everything around him spinning. Chanyeol collapsed? Chanyeol was probably in hospital. And now was the time he had to fucking mute his name and be the last to know apparently.

Baekhyun’s world was crumbling around him. He had to know what happened, he had to know how he was. As soon as he finds enough control in him, he takes out his phone and dials Chanyeol’s number. It rings a couple times but no one picks up. His hands are shaking and every ring feels like a stab to the chest. He tries again and gets the same result. He’s about to try for a third time when he gets an incoming call himself. It’s from Chanyeol’s mother.

“Baekhyun! Oh, I saw you tried calling my son’s phone, but I somehow couldn’t pick it up.”

Of course. Chanyeol’s phone needs his fingerprint to accept calls. Baekhyun knew because his own was the only other fingerprint saved there.

“Where is he?” he asks, the urgency and fear in his voice as clear as day. He believed he could get the details once he was there, for now, he just really, really needed to be where Chanyeol was.

He sees Jongdae get up and go to pick up his car keys. He slightly shakes them in front of Baekhyun’s face and mouths ‘I’ll drive’. As soon as Chanyeol’s mother informs him which hospital they are at, the two friends make their way to Jongdae’s car. They’re quiet during the ride but Baekhyun wouldn’t be able to speak either way. There was only one thought in his head. He had to see Chanyeol. Had to see with his own eyes that he was okay.

The ride to the hospital felt like hours and only seconds at the same time. Upon arriving, Jongdae turns to him after turning off the engine. “You go in alone. They won’t let me in anyway, he’s a celebrity after all.”

“Then why did you drive me? if you weren’t planning on coming along?”

“Are you crazy?” Jongdae huffs. “If I’d let you drive, you would have ended up in hospital yourself with the state you’re in.”

Baekhyun can’t argue with that. Even now, his hands are still shaking and his heart has been imitating a rollercoaster ride ever since he found out.

“If you need me to pick you up, call me. No matter what time it is, okay?”

Baekhyun nods at his friend and smiles - as much as he can get himself to.

“Thank You. Really.” He gives Jongdae one last look in an attempt to calm himself and then rushes out the car towards the entrance of the private hospital Chanyeol was taken to. He sees a lot of paparazzi and journalists in front of the building. Even now they couldn’t give Chanyeol his privacy and Baekhyun was getting angry at every single one of them. He had nothing to cover himself up with, his face and hair pretty exposed, yet he didn’t care. He just needed to get to Chanyeol. Nothing else mattered.

He had to plead with the security for quite a while and it only made him get even more anxious when they refused to let him in. He knew they were doing their job, but he was also ready to scream at anyone keeping him from seeing Chanyeol right now. He knew his hands were shaking and he was ready to break out into tears and crash out any second now, maybe even fist-fight a security guard but luckily, he spotted Chanyeol’s father walking towards them through the glass door entrance. Mr. Park came out to inform the Security that Baekhyun was ‘family’ and that they could let him in, ultimately rescuing Baekhyun before he completely snapped.

Chanyeol’s father leads Baekhyun to where Chanyeol’s room was and explains on the way. Apparently the exhaustion, lack of sleep and lack of balanced meals caused Chanyeol to collapse. The doctors are still running some tests but are overall certain the actor has been overexerting himself. They will keep him for the night, to make sure he gets rest and some nutrients, but there was no need to worry. It relaxes Baekhyun a little, but he was still worried. And angry. Not at anyone in specific - okay maybe all those paparazzi and crazy fans that definitely didn’t help with Chanyeol’s state of mind - but he was mainly angry for his best friend who was in an industry that was this reckless with their people’s health.

They walk to the private wing and stop in front of a room that Chanyeol’s mom just came out of. Once she sees Baekhyun she gives him a hug. Baekhyun hadn’t realized how much he really needed one. The adrenaline had died down now, knowing that ultimately, Chanyeol was okay. Yet he still really wanted to see him.

“He’s asleep again, I just talked to him. He wants us to go pick up Zarr, so we are going to leave for now and come back tomorrow.”, she explains and Baekhyun feels his heart drop a little. “Oh, okay.” He probably wouldn’t be able to see Chanyeol without the actor’s parents around and he wasn’t sure they’d let him sit here all night to wait, but he would.

“You can go in, Baekhyun. I’m sure he’d appreciate it if you sat with him, even if he’s asleep.”, she offers and softly pats his back. It seemed like she could feel his turmoil, yet it wasn’t really a surprise. After all, the woman saw him grow up next to her son. She was one of the few who got to witness their bond right from the beginning. But Baekhyun was unsure.
“What about visiting hours? I know at our hospital…”

“I’m sure they make exceptions for the loved ones of the nation’s biggest star.” Mr. Park jokes and despite it all, Baekhyun once again can’t stop the blush that creeps up his neck at being acknowledged as someone dear to Chanyeol.

“Alright.”, he decides. If his parents were okay with it, he was sure it’d be fine. “Say hello to Zarr for me.”

—

A soft beep was all that could be heard in the room. The size and decorations were even more pretentious than those in the private rooms at Baekhyun’s hospital. There was a small chair already placed right next to the patient’s bed. Chanyeol looked so peaceful. There were still traces of Make-Up on his face and his hair was parted and styled too, albeit it obviously got messy. Somehow, Baekhyun was starting to feel at ease. It had only been a bit over half an hour since he found out Chanyeol had been taken to hospital, yet it felt like he had lived through several lives. His best friend - his secret love - was in front of him sleeping in a hospital bed. The only other time Baekhyun had ever seen Chanyeol in hospital was when he broke his arm when they were 15. Baekhyun had bet him that he couldn’t climb the school’s fence and being as competitive as he was - Chanyeol had felt forced to challenge him. It resulted in a lot of guilty feelings for Baekhyun and a cast and detention for Chanyeol.

Seeing him lying there now however, felt completely different. This was different. Rationally he knew that Chanyeol was okay. He looked like he was simply sleeping and Baekhyun knew that ultimately, that was what this was, but it still broke his heart to see his love look so fragile.

Baekhyun quietly sits down on the chair and carefully pushes the strands of hair that fall over the actor’s eyes out of the way. He feels Chanyeol’s breath warm on his arm.

He then reaches out to hold Chanyeol’s hand and softly brings it to his lips. He feels brave, even if that braveness comes from fear. It’s just an innocent kiss on the knuckles of Chanyeol’s hand. While it might seem to be for Chanyeol’s comfort, it was actually for Baekhyun. To feel that yes, everything would be okay. Chanyeol would be okay. Coming down from his adrenaline high, Baekhyun feels himself grow weary. He keeps his hand on Chanyeol’s but decides to move close enough so he can rest his head on a spare part of the mattress.  

He’s not sure if he really fell asleep or only dozed off a little, but he’s brought to open his eyes when he hears a soft and hoarse “Hey.” Chanyeol is looking at him with a tired but soft smile and the relief Baekhyun feels from hearing and seeing his best friend awake is like someone untangled an airtight knot in his chest. Baekhyun doesn’t raise his head even though the angle is uncomfortable. He feels too drained and something about the way Chanyeol was looking down at him felt too intimate for him to break.

“Come up here, you’re gonna have neck pain.” Chanyeol invites him and moves more to the side, leaving a narrow space. Baekhyun shakes his head. “You’re the patient, I’m not taking up your space.” He realizes now how broken and tired his own voice sounds.

“Oh come on. This bed is bigger than regular ones. VIP patient and all that.”, Chanyeol jokes, even in this situation, and Baekhyun feels no need to keep fighting him when he wants nothing more than being close to Chanyeol right now. He finally raises his head and makes his move to lie down next to his best friend, who immediately pulls him into his arms, making sure both of them are well fit on the bed. Baekhyun makes himself comfortable on the actor’s chest, finding the perfect spot to hear his heartbeat. He loved looking at Chanyeol’s face, yet right now he was also very content simply feeling him close and counting every one of his heartbeats as if it was the most precious thing in the world. To him at least, it was.

They stay quiet for a while, just comforting each other by holding on and soft caresses. But it’s Baekhyun who eventually breaks the silence in soft whispers.

“I was really worried.” he confesses, the sincerity in his voice distinctive.

“I’m sorry. I should have taken more care of myself.” Chanyeol apologizes. “I don’t even know how… I couldn’t sleep most of the time even when I tried. I forgot to eat, I didn’t do it on purpose. I hate to think I worried you and my family.”

“Just promise it won’t happen again.”

“I can promise to try and take more care, but my lifestyle… it just is like this. For now, I can’t really adjust my schedule or anything. It will get better again, I know that, but.. it’s just a lot right now. The paparazzi… the press… the crazy fans…there was even someone trying to break into my hotel room that one time and-” Chanyeol explains but is interrupted by Baekhyun at his revelation.

“What?” Baekhyun suddenly feels wide awake again. He knew it was bad, but not this bad. He cranes his neck to look up at Chanyeol in surprise. But the actor only flashes him a dismissive smile.

“It’s okay. My team managed it. It was scary but….” he sighs and Baekhyun can tell he is still tired. “I don’t want to think or talk about it right now.”

Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun even closer and brings the nurse to place his head back where it was. Chanyeol has a very strong hold on him for someone so tired, yet he doesn’t mind. Not even in the slightest. “Honestly, right now, I’m just glad you’re here. That’s all I want to think about right now.” Chanyeol says with that sweet, deep voice of his and how can Baekhyun argue against that. His blood was boiling thinking about all the things Chanyeol had to endure, but he’d push down that anger for now, if it was what Chanyeol wanted. Chanyeol’s admission has Baekhyun’s chest constraint. It wasn’t like his anger or fear before. The way Chanyeol was speaking to him, the position they were in, it felt raw. Even for them. A bit too intimate for two best friends - no matter how close they’d always been. 

“Really, I’m okay, happy even, now that you’re here.” Chanyeol yawns and Baekhyun can tell the actor is about to fall asleep again. He himself was feeling sleepy too. He smiles, pushing his anger from before down as he snuggles closer. “Then I guess I need to be there with you even more now.”

Chanyeol chuckles. “Always, if it was down to me.”

They fall asleep entangled with each other, not loosening their hold. The world outside of their shared blanket is forgotten as their heartbeats align.

—

They’re woken up in the same position at 4.45am when Baekhyun’s alarm goes off on his phone. The nurse can feel his limbs hurting from the way his body was positioned next to Chanyeol’s, yet he didn’t dare complain about that. Not when after a long time, he had gotten to spend all night in his favourite place in the whole world. He turns off his alarm and apologizes. “Sorry, it’s my work alarm.”

Chanyeol only grumbles and then pulls Baekhyun back, placing him in his arms positioned a bit higher this time, so Baekhyun could rest his head on the actor’s broad shoulder and they’d both be able to look at each other.

“Do you have to leave now or is this one of 5 alarms that you usually ignore?” Chanyeol clocks Baekhyun right away, yet his morning voice sends shivers down Baekhyun’s spine. He used to be more resistant to this but having spent less time together, especially close like this, he felt like he was in a dream. A dream where Chanyeol loved him back.

He chuckles, “You know me too well.”

“Good.”, Chanyeol yawns before once again strengthening his hold on Baekhyun. “I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

Baekhyun lets himself indulge in the situation. If this was a dream he never wanted to wake up. If it was down to him, Chanyeol would never, ever, let him go.

They stay like this for a while, not going back to sleep, just basking in each other's warmth and comfort. Baekhyun’s mind starts painting a picture where waking up like this is his everyday reality. Maybe the only thing he adds are a few morning kisses and less hospital machines.

“Mmh, what would I do without my Baekhyun.” Chanyeol’s voice is groggy, but sweet. Despite the early hour, it sounds recharged. “Don’t think I’ve slept this good in months.”

Baekhyun thinks if they got married, Chanyeol could hold him like this every night. Then he’d be well rested everyday. Baekhyun would even wake up early, sneak out and prepare breakfast in bed for him. He’d probably make a mess but it’d be the gesture that counts, right?

“You can’t ever leave me, Baek. I wouldn’t survive.”

“Where would I even go.”, he chuckles. He loves clingy Chanyeol. Oh how clingy would he be if he ever actually got to be with him.

“Mhhhh, maybe replace me with someone who has a bigger car.”, Chanyeol jokes and Baekhyun’s heart feels lighter. Morning banter. Also something they could have daily if they were married. “Or someone with a cuter dog.”, he jokes back even if he doesn’t mean a single word but Chanyeol’s scandalized face was worth it. “That’s too far!”

Baekhyun wants to kiss away Chanyeol’s pout but he’s not feeling that brave so he resolves to poking his cheek instead. Maybe the dream was enough for now. “You know I’m kidding.” but still, he wants to keep the banter alive just to stay in their little bubble a little longer. He grins mischievously. “Actually, I’m only your friend because you have such a cute dog.”

Chanyeol acts offended but Baekhyun can see his smile break through.

“You’re lying, I know you looooove me.” Chanyeol says teasingly, dragging out the ‘o’ on love as if the word was the easiest thing for him to say. As if he still didn’t realize that Baekhyun would always equate that word to him. And him only.

“Well, I can’t love you the way I should, that’s the point.”, he mumbles and he’s not sure what made him say it. Not sure what was different now than the other 100 times they had been here and he’d calculate what to say.

“What?” Chanyeol asks confused and Baekhyun can feel him tense up slightly but Baekhyun’s tired. And he has to go to work soon. And he wants to stay like this forever and ever and he wants to bring Chanyeol breakfast in bed and he wants morning kisses and wedding fantasies. And he doesn’t feel like being careful right now.

“Maybe… maybe I love you a bit too much.” the admission leaves his lips quietly, almost a whisper. His heart is beating fast now but he ignores it. He knew he should stop talking, stop everything before he can’t take it back. He needed to stop speaking before he crossed the line he had been so carefully dancing around for years. But he felt weak. Maybe he never had to be brave, maybe he just needed to be weak. Weak, because he loved his best friend so much he didn’t know how to deal with it anymore.

“It’s impossible to love me too much, you’re my best friend.” Chanyeol chuckles again and Baekhyun ignores the hint of uncertainty he detects from it. Pushes it down as if he had nothing to lose. At first he only hums in response but before he can stop himself a tiny, almost pathetic “exactly” escapes his lips.

Chanyeol tenses, the fingers he had used to softly draw small circles on Baekhyun’s back now stopping too and suddenly reality comes crashing down on Baekhyun. “But…” Chanyeol stutters. Baekhyun's heart starts beating even faster. His mind is going into full panic mode, he misses the way the rate of Chanyeol's heartbeat picks up as well.

"Baekhyun, if what you're saying..."

“I’m not saying anything!” he defends himself quickly. He went too far. This time he really did. He needs to take it back, find an excuse, find an Explanation. Anything to throw Chanyeol off the scent again. No, this wasn’t the moment he broke. This wasn’t the moment he would let his best friend know about how he’d been pathetically pining over him for pretty much most of their friendship. This wasn’t happening. Not here, not now, not ever.

He sits up straight and while there wasn’t much restraint from a troubled looking Chanyeol, the actor didn’t fully let him go yet. Strong arms still loosely around Baekhyun, as Chanyeol moves to sit up too. Baekhyun doesn’t dare look at him anymore. He needs an out and he needs it now.

"No, listen to me Baekhyun.." Chanyeol’s deep voice is laced with an earnestness that Baekhyun hardly ever hears his best friend use. “If you’re saying… if what you’re saying….” the actor stumbles over his words but Baekhyun can’t focus, he stares straight ahead. “If there's even the slightest chance that you... I....god, Baekhyun, you have no idea.” His voice breaks and it makes Baekhyun look back at his friend. Chanyeo’s big eyes were staring right at him, pleading. They sparkled and his mouth was slightly agape. There were so many emotions showing on his face, while Baekhyun’s was just straight panic. Baekhyun can't recall ever having Chanyeol seen in this state. It confused him profusely. The actor looked at a loss for words, simply staring at Baekhyun while it seemed his mind was going wild. Baekhyun himself had no idea what was happening. Did Chanyeol misunderstand? Did he even understand anything from that?

“I need to know what you meant, Baek. I need to know because I won’t hold back…I-” Chanyeol is hesitant. He looks scared. But why? Wasn’t it Baekhyun with everything to lose?
It couldn’t be… right? But the Chanyeol looked at him scared Baekhyun too. It felt too raw, too… too much like him. This is what he imagined himself looked like just a couple moments ago when he broke and told his best friend he loved him a bit too much. But why was Chanyeol wearing the same look now?

Baekhyun’s brain was in overdrive and there was not a single coherent thought to be constructed while Chanyeol was looking at him with his beautiful eyes, expecting him to speak and he couldn’t. He just wanted to run.

As if the universe had heard him, the two best friends are ripped out of their staring contest, as yet another alarm of Baekhyun’s goes off. Immediately, Baekhyun stands up from the hospital bed. It all dawned on him. He was in a hospital. He was in a hospital because Chanyeol was overworked and Chanyeol was a famous actor and everyone loved him and everyone wanted him and there was no way Chanyeol would ever want Baekhyun, right?

So Baekhyun grabs his things again and takes the out.

“I have to go to work now.”, he announces with a shaking voice and prays Chanyeol won’t try to stop him. This was all too much for him.

“Okay.”, Chanyeol says without moving. “But I’m not  letting this go.”, he adds with a sort of determination that puts the fear of god into Baekhyun as he simply nods and walks out the door. What did he just start?

—

Baekhyun only had two days to go over what happened in the hospital. He still couldn’t make sense of it. It felt like he was missing something. Chanyeol’s reaction made no sense to him. The only way it made sense was if Chanyeol felt the same way, but that wasn’t an option. And maybe, even if just a little, he had allowed himself to believe that, it was now gone again. Because despite his insistence of ‘ not letting this go .’ Chanyeol actually didn’t bring it up again. He had sent texts informing him of his discharge from hospital and staying with his parents. Then pictures of Zarr and his mom’s food and ultimately inviting Baekhyun to dinner at his parents’ place while he was still staying there. But no mention of needing to talk or even joking about the situation, just like it had never happened. And while Baekhyun might have prayed for that at first, part of him couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

When he arrived at the Park’s house, he had initially felt nervous but at first it seemed like just any other time he had joined Chanyeol and his parents for dinner. But over the course of the evening he couldn’t help but notice small things. It was nothing major but it felt like whenever Baekhyun would be caught looking at Chanyeol, the actor would just softly smile at him other than the usual teasing of pulling a funny grimace. Chanyeol would always put more food on Baekhyun’s plate and make sure he ate enough but something about the way he did it that night felt… different. More caring. And the way he felt Chanyeol’s hand linger on his a little bit longer than usual when saying goodbye… but he was probably imagining things. Actually, Baekhyun had spent all night imagining things. Wondering. Contemplating What If’s. What would have happened if he hadn’t run out of that hospital room. What would have happened had he stayed and bared his heart out. What wouldn’t Chanyeol hold back? Did he dare to think it might be in his favour?

He cursed that he had to work today. Chanyeol was going back to work tomorrow, he had tried to convince the actor to take more rest but Chanyeol said he didn’t want to delay filming any more, since it’s not just about him but staff and everyone else on set. Baekhun doesn’t know how his doctor didn’t insist because Baekhyun for sure knows he would have, but whatever. Again, Chanyeol was kind like that, thinking of everyone else first. Baekhyun knew he should be understanding but he just never ever wants to feel that fear again that he had when he had to go into that hospital and if it was down to him, Chanyeol would never set foot on that set again.

He sighs, he really can’t think of work right now. He is tired from staying up all night thinking about Chanyeol. Even knowing the new intern was working today too, didn’t help. Chanyeol would be proud to know that Baekhyun was actually becoming friends with someone at his work that he thought made his day a bit more durable, but with all the drama he hadn’t even gotten to tell him about that.

The nurse is about to pick up his phone to check how much time he has left before he needs to leave, when the door rings. He figures Minseok forgot his key when leaving earlier and goes to open it without much in mind.

He’s welcomed by a big grin, pointy ears peeking through soft hair, beautiful eyes sparkling like the stars and… roses?

“I’m spending my day off with you. Just us.” Chanyeol announces and walks past Baekhyun, not waiting for an invitation. He takes off his shoes, places the roses down on the kitchen counter and also sets down what Baekhyun can now see, was paper bags from his favourite breakfast place. Baekhyun hates what he has to say next. “I need to work today, I was on my way out.”

The universe hated him, he was convinced.

Chanyeol stops as he is filling up a vase with water for the flowers and looks at Baekhyun deflated. He can tell when his best friend is disappointed and Baekhyun hates that it was his fault when Chanyeol put in the effort to even buy breakfast - when he could have spent his last day off any other way.

“Then I’ll be here waiting when you get back.”, Chanyeol decides and smiles at Baekhyun. The nurse nods and finally checks the time. He wishes he hadn’t. He wasn’t late but he couldn’t afford even staying a little longer. “I’m sorry.”, he says again as he gathers his things and dreads having to walk away from this scene. Knowing Chanyeol would be there when he gets back should be enough, right?

He leaves his flat and every step he takes down the hallway stairs feels heavier than the one before. He hated it. When was the last time he and Chanyeol just hung out? For a whole day? No lunch or dinner on borrowed time, no confusing hospital visits? He couldn’t let this slip through his fingers.

He’d have to fight his conscience on this but he stops just before going through the main entrance to his building and takes out his phone. He calls the hospital and tells them he can’t come in today, that he caught an infectious bug and he can’t risk giving it to anyone else. He wants to joke that it’s called chanyeolitis but working in a hospital he didn’t think the repercussions were worth the laugh.

Feeling less bad than he thought, he walks the stairs back up and returns to his flat, finding a Chanyeol who was making himself comfortable on the couch. The breakfast he brought is spread out on the coffee table and the roses are still at the kitchen counter. The actor looks at him wondering. “Forgot something?”

“I had the wrong schedule.” Baekhyun lies. Chanyeol didn’t need to know the truth. “I have the day off too, actually.”

Nothing had ever felt as validating as the big grin Chanyeol breaks out into. How could he feel bad about calling in sick at work when this was the result of it?

So they spend the day together. Just relaxing, eating, watching TV, playing games. Just like they used to do every day when they were kids. Just like all those moments that led to Baekhyun being so irrevocably in love. It had always felt like they were just puzzle pieces belonging together. Supposed to never be apart and only creating a full picture if put together. And it was all Baekhyun wanted. This. Him and Chanyeol. Forever.

—

The next two weeks feel better than Baekhyun had anticipated. Even when Chanyeol went back to work, it seemed the production company was scared of getting sued, so they started managing their schedules better. Chanyeol’s company upgrades their security for him too and actually gets lawyers to help out with reducing the stalking and privacy breaches.

There’s still instances of course but overall, Chanyeol seemed a lot happier. And that meant Baekhyun was feeling happier too. They’d also meet up a lot more again. They couldn’t afford full days, but they’d both do their best to see each other. Baekhyun could tell something about when they were together felt different but he pushed it down. He couldn’t afford to spiral into What If’s and overanalyze Chanyeol’s words. He reckoned the actor was simply being more affectionate because he had more energy again with his life being less hectic. 

Once, Chanyeol even snuck into the hospital during Baekhyun’s break time to have lunch with him. He knew of Baekhyun’s secret hiding space in the basement and how to get there. What he hadn’t anticipated though was that Baekhyun finally had made a friend and so the new intern was in for quite the surprise when he had realized the man whose shin he kicked after he thought he was an intruder, was in fact loved-by-millions actor Park Chanyeol. It also had apparently taken Sehun only those 30 minutes of shared lunch to immediately catch onto Baekhyun’s feelings and tease him for it afterwards. Even insisting he could tell the actor felt the same from those ‘ bambi eyes ’. Of course, Baekhyun rejected it as childish musings. But something about the way Chanyeol had afterwards told him he was glad he made a friend but to make sure he wouldn’t fall in love or they’d have him to answer to, made Baekhyun go weak in the knees. He wished he was brave enough to ask for clarification but he was scared. With the way Chanyeol has been acting, he’s worried to get the answer he would only ever dream of. Chanyeol getting possessive over him, that’s something he wasn’t sure he’d knew how to handle.

Tonight, Chanyeol is planning to take Baekhyun to a party. It’s not as big as the last one, no visits to stylists involved but Baekhyun can’t help but once again feel special to get to be Chanyeol’s plus one. They stop by Minseok’s Café on the way there, the older insisting he should check if Baekhyun dressed himself accordingly. He knew it was an excuse to tease him and get Chanyeol to bring in more business, but he knew the actor was aware too and didn’t mind. So they walk through the door with whispers around them. Chanyeol wears his hat and mask but some still notice the actor’s presence. Minseok greets and waves them over from behind the counter and then for a second Baekhyun’s blood freezes. The barista he had completely ghosted, twice and then stood up and never texted back again, turns around to look at them too. He wishes the ground would swallow him whole.

So they walk up to the counter, Chanyeol oblivious to Baekhyun’s turmoil and greet Minseok. The other barista stares straight at Baekhyun and the nurse feels urged to speak up.

“I’m sorry.”, he offers but it doesn’t sound very sincere. He does feel bad. He does, but he doesn’t really know how he should explain without exposing himself. Not to mention Chanyeol standing right next to him now looking confused at the interaction.

“Save it. You could have just said you’re not interested.”, the barista says and before Baekhyun can retaliate, he vanishes through the staff door. It was probably better that way. He’d have to probably avoid the Café for some time and force Minseok to bring his favourite cake home.

“What was that?”, Chanyeol asks confused and Baekhyun can only imagine. They were never in situations where they’d have an interaction like that with someone else that they hadn’t told each other about yet.

However before Baekhyun can come up with a lie, Minseok replies. “They were supposed to go on a date but Baekhyun here stood him up and then ghosted him.”

He knew Minseok was just trying to help, probably thinking this would make Chanyeol jealous on Baekhyun’s behalf, but the way Chanyeol retracted into himself as he just said “Oh.” made Baekhyun feel really guilty. Of course Chanyeol would be upset that his best friend didn’t tell him about a date and he had every right to. The actor probably thought that Baekhyun didn’t trust him.

“It’s really not important.”, he doubles down, hoping to get Chanyeol back in a good mood but for now the actor only nods. They engage in some small talk with Minseok, during which Chanyeol still seems a bit more reserved and Baekhyun isn’t sure why the interaction just now had a lasting effect. Was there something else bothering him? Surely it wasn’t just finding out Baekhyun kept this from him?

Ultimately they make their way to the party and Chanyeol’s reserve lifts up a bit. They get a driver to bring them instead of taking Chanyeol’s car and during the ride Baekhyun can tell Chanyeol is blatantly staring at him. He sometimes dares to look too and offers a smile which is always returned but there’s something else in his expression. It’s itching under his skin to ask. To ask what’s different, not just now but ever since Chanyeol was brought to hospital. He wants to ask what changed. But he couldn’t, because he’d have to explain what he thinks changed and he didn’t dare say things like ‘you seem more possessive’, ‘you hold onto me a little longer’ or what really encaptures what only Baekhyun’s deepest parts dare to think ‘you seem like you love me a bit too much, too’.

Chanyeol seems back as his old self once they’re at the party. Baekhyun meets Lay again and feels comforted by the fact that he already knows someone. As usual, it takes him a while to warm up to the party, but he manages. But it’s when he’s introduced to Kyungsoo’s date, Jongin - a model/dancer that definitely looks the part - that Baekhyun suddenly feels ecstatic. So Kyungsoo was dating. Someone that wasn’t Chanyeol. He couldn’t help but silently celebrate. He feels stupid for all that jealousy and frustration. All that time wasted listening to stranger’s online and being put off from his favourite idol simply because he was petty and jealous for someone he had no claim over. All the while Kyungsoo was dating someone who seemed to adore him to no end. It might feel stupid now but he also knew what initially led him to feel that way. Looking around it was obvious. It might not be Kyungsoo but it could be anyone here. Being at this party, no matter how fun, just showed him again how different the world Chanyeol lived in was to his own. And in his head it would always make more sense for Chanyeol to find a partner among this crowd than in him, even if his heart disagreed.

It’s when he’s still talking to Lay, while Chanyeol excused himself to a toilet break, that he’s approached by Kim Junmyeon. He greets Lay and then introduces himself to Baekhyun.

“You’re Chanyeol’s date, right?”, he asks and Baekhyun can’t help but blush. “Well, I’m here with him but I’m not his date.” he feels the need to clarify.

“That’s not what he said.” Junmyeon shrugs. “Either way, nice to meet you.” 

The handsome man gives him a blinding smile but Baekhyun doesn't feel like smiling. What did Chanyeol say exactly to prompt this reaction? Junmyeon is about to walk and introduce himself to other people but Baekhyun reaches out to hold him back.
“Wait. I’m sorry, but what exactly did Chanyeol say?”

Junmyeon looks at him a bit unsure but still replies. “I wasn’t trying to get involved in anything here. It’s just when I told him if he needed a date for tonight and that I knew someone who was interested, he then said he didn’t need a date and that he had one. The way he said it I had just assumed he was taken, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to imply anything.”

Baekhyun’s sure the guy could see his turmoil or he wouldn’t be so apologetic. A renowned musical actor knew someone who wanted to date Chanyeol and Chanyeol said no? Because of him?

“Don’t worry. Sorry for keeping you.” Baekhyun gives the singer a grateful smile and receives a nod in return. But there was a dam that broke in his head, Questions overspilling. 

Why would Chanyeol do that? Baekhyun might usually accompany him to these events but it’s not like he did because he had so much fun. He did it to be with Chanyeol and Chanyeol certainly knew that too. Why would Chanyeol pass up a chance at a probably very respectable famous person just to bring him instead? Suddenly Baekhyun felt very out of place. It wasn’t his place to be here, he did nothing to warrant his presence among these people besides going to the same playground as a future star when he was 5 years old.

Chanyeol returns to where Baekhyun was but the nurse’s mind is going at a million kilometers an hour. “Everything okay?”, Chanyeol immediately asks and Baekhyun looks up at him. His Chanyeol, his beautiful, beautiful best friend that deserves the world.

“Can we go?”, Baekhyun asks and Chanyeol nods but looks worried. It was unusual for Baekhyun to outright ask that, especially relatively early into the event. “Sure, I’ll just quickly say goodbye.” Chanyeol agrees.

“I’ll wait outside.” Baekhyun can’t wait for a reply, he leaves walking right outside to where the driver had dropped them off. The party was at some mansion with private parking grounds and since it wasn’t too late yet, no one was arriving anymore and no one was leaving yet either. 

He knew he only had a short while to gather his thoughts. Images kept flashing. Images of Chanyeol and how he’d been acting around Baekhyun lately, but not just that. No, it goes even further. It goes all the way back to when they were teenagers and Chanyeol would give Baekhyun chocolates and sweet messages every valentine's day. It goes back to teenage Chanyeol saying he didn’t need to get a girlfriend because he had Baekhyun. It goes to adult Chanyeol, who’d always make Baekhyun promise to never leave him. It goes to Chanyeol who’d sniff his hair in hugs, who’d kiss his shoulder when cuddling and who’d insist on Baekhyun sleeping in his arms. Chanyeol, who in a hospital bed, pleaded with Baekhyun to bare his heart. It goes to Chanyeol who got upset at hearing about Baekhyun dating someone else and Chanyeol who told people Baekhyun was his actual date.

Did Chanyeol, his Chanyeol, really love him back?

“Whats wrong?” Baekhyun’s head was spinning so much, he didn’t notice Chanyeol approaching him. The actor looks worried, his hand on Baekhyun’s back now, softly patting it. Baekhyun looks at him with glistening eyes. He’s not sure when the tears fought their way up but he’d have to fight really hard to keep them in. He was just too overwhelmed by his thoughts coming crushing down. So much he kept down over the last weeks.

“Why? Why did you do that?”, he asks and only confuses Chanyeol further.

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you bring me as your date tonight?” This didn’t seem to help Chanyeol understand either, so Baekhyun continues, suddenly feeling very small. “Why do you bother with bringing me? I mean… why bring me, your best friend… when you could bring anyone.”

“Well, I don’t want to bring anyone else. You know I prefer having you by my side.”

Baekhyun can’t tell if Chanyeol was grasping the seriousness of their conversation or if he was still clouded with confusion. He was too scared to see so he kept his eyes on the floor.

“You didn’t correct him.” he whispers thinking back to his conversation with Junmyeon. “You actually never do. Whenever someone assumes we’re dating at these parties, you never actually correct them. Why?”

When Chanyeol isn’t replying, Baekhyun finally finds it in him to raise his head. He takes a step away from Chanyeol and puts some distance between them. Chanyeol looks at a loss for words and his expression isn’t giving away much either. The silence makes Baekhyun feel insane. He’s not sure what he’s saying himself and he probably got it wrong anyway and Chanyeol didn’t love him back but why wasn’t he saying anything. Baekhyun’s eyes find the floor again. “When people assume we’re together, don’t you think that sabotages your career I–”

That seems to have snapped something in Chanyeol who immediately reacts and closes the distance between them again, now facing Baekhyun. He puts his hands on Baekhyun’s upper arms and makes the nurse look at him. 

“Hey, listen.” he speaks softly but determined. “My career is never going to be more important to me than you. Nothing will ever be more important to me than you are.” Chanyeol’s eyes are piercing and Baekhyun wants to believe, has to believe him. There’s so much sincerity in those eyes, it’s impossible to refuse. He feels the first tear drop on his face. “But why?” Baekhyun asks, broken.

“I love you, don’t I.”, Chanyeol says genuinely. There they were again. Those three words he’s heard his best friend say to him many times. Could he really believe they were meant differently than he’d thought?

Baekhyun takes a step back, out of Chanyeol’s hold, wipes his tears and looks away. This wasn’t the first time he was here. Not the first time his heart broke. He just wasn’t sure he could put it back together this time. Not sure they could get over whatever mess he just created.

“As a best friend.”, Baekhyun mumbles like a mantra. That’s how Chanyeol loved him. As the person he grew up with, the person he played video games with and the person he’d find comfort in. As a friend.

There’s a short silence before a brave voice breaks it.

“No.”

Immediately, Baekhyun’s head snaps back to look at his best friend. Had he heard that right?

Chanyeol was standing there, looking at him nervously. He knew he heard him. It might have been a half whisper but with no one around and only muffled noise from inside, the world clearly rang in the silence between them. He looks into Chanyeol’s eyes, searching for something to indicate he had heard wrong. Indicate that Chanyeol was lying but all he saw was fear and affection. Baekhyun’s heart felt like it was about to explode.

“Fuck it, I’m sick of pretending.”, Chanyeol sighs and then takes a deep breath before continuing to completely put Baekhyun’s world upside down. “I should have been clearer in the hospital but I was so overwhelmed and then you freaked out on me and I was so scared to lose you. I didn’t want that to happen so I’ve been holding back and I wouldn’t want to rush you but… the truth is I’m in love with you, Baekhyun. Always have been.” Chanyeol stepped closer yet again and Baekhyun could clearly see the moonlight’s reflection in his best friend’s tears. “…. and I’m starting to believe you might love me too.”

Baekhyun feels his breath hitching. He didn’t have control over his body anymore. He closed his eyes and started crying. ‘Might’ How blind must Chanyeol have been not to see clear as day how much Baekhyun loved him? All that drama. All that angst. For this? He must be looking stupid, Chanyeol tells him he’s in love with him and he starts uncontrollably sobbing in front of him. But Chanyeol is a sweetheart so despite truly deserving a better reply to a confession than a breakdown, he pulls Baekhyun into a hug. Lets him cry, instead of pushing for an answer. He hums sweet melodies and smoothly runs his hand across his back as Baekhyun clings onto him with all the force left in him. Buries his head on his shoulder and lets Chanyeol’s expensive dress shirt soak up his tears. 

Between incoherent sobs and sniffles he manages to at least get the most important words out. “Of course, I love you, too.” There it was. The first time he ever told Chanyeol that. And he could say it with all the meaning he held for it. Years of making up scenarios in his head of how this would go and none of them ever had him a mess like this. Suddenly he has to chuckle but with the cries it comes out a bit pathetic. “You’re an idiot if you didn’t see that.” Baekhyun tries to make a bit light of the situation and succeeds as Chanyeol laughs and pulls back a little from his hold on him, now that the smaller’s crying has died down a bit. “I guess, we’re both idiots then.”

He softly dries the tears on Baekhyun’s face - ironic considering how his own was tear-stained too. “There’s so much I want to say…”, Baekhyun continues but his voice breaks throughout and Chanyeol shakes his head. “Let’s go home first. Talk then, okay?”, 

Baekhyun nods and clings closer to Chanyeol again, resting his head on his chest. Maybe people inside could see them hugging like this but he didn’t care. Even in the back of the car, Chanyeol doesn’t seem to care either, as he doesn’t let go of Baekhyun’s hand and admiringly plays with it, clearly for the driver to see. They held hands before but this was different. There was no more shame in Baekhyun telling himself to not overthink it or misread it. Chanyeol had already previously informed him that he considered Baekhyun’s hands “pretty”. Liked how they looked so dainty yet were so small next to his. And Baekhyun, the thing he liked most about his hands was how well they fit into Chanyeol’s and he still couldn’t believe this was the start of him never having to make an excuse to hold them ever again.

Chanyeol doesn’t let go of his hand even when they sit down on his couch. And they talk. They talk a lot. Asking all the questions they never dared, say all the things they were never brave enough to say and Baekhyun can’t believe his luck. He hasn’t quite accepted it yet. He wasn’t crashing out over it anymore but so much time he wasted, wondering and all the while his best friend loved him back. So they put out everything in the open, Baekhyun even explains about the barista which unfortunately brings up a topic he’s rather embarrassed about.

“Wait, so you were deliberately avoiding me? Why then? When you’ve dealt with it for years?”, Chanyeol realises and looks at Baekhyun questioningly. He wished he could lie, but what was the point now?

“Well… I might have.. gotten… a bit… or well, a lot…. jealous over Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol’s eyes grow as big as they probably can and he stares at Baekhyun in disbelief. “Kyungsoo?! Please tell me it’s not because of everything people online were saying.”

Baekhyun lowers his head being caught out like that. He blushes and feels embarrassed as he nods. “In my defense!”, he suddenly starts and looks up again. Chanyeol knew now, so he had a right to be a little jealous, right? “There was this Interview you did. They asked you about your ideal type and all you said fit Kyungsoo perfectly.”

“What Interview?”, Chanyeol asked for clarification and Baekhyun really tried to not be too embarrassed and spectacularly failed at it.

“Small… Cute… Handsome… Soft…” Baekhyun repeats the words that had haunted him for so long but Chanyeol only laughs before getting up from the sofa and pulling Baekhyun with him. He stands in front of him, but very close, Baekhyun has to look up to look into his eyes.

“You mean…” Chanyeol slightly raises to his tip-toes and softly places a kiss on the top of Baekhyun’s head. “Small” He then moves to place yet another soft kiss on Baekhyun’s blushing cheeks. “Cute.” He places a kiss on Baekhyun’s Nose. “Handsome.” Next he leans in and stops only a few millimeters in front of Baekhyun’s face. “Soft..” He gives him a small, but tender peck on the lips. 

It doesn’t register at first for Baekhyun, that this was the first time their lips had touched and with the revelation that apparently Chanyeol had been talking about him all along, he feels his cheeks going even redder than humanly possible. Feeling shy he buries his face in Chanyeol’s chest and wraps his hands around his torso. He feels Chanyeol chuckle which almost tickles him as he’s so close. He takes a moment to breathe in Chanyeol’s scent and gather himself. It was slowly setting in that this was real. That his unrequited love wasn’t so unrequited after all.

He pulls away and takes a breath. He felt wrecked.

“I must look like a mess. Is it okay if I go freshen up a bit?”, he asks, figuring if this was real, he and Chanyeol had the rest of their lives to talk about how blind they had been for years. And he was definitely due a face wash with all the crying he had done. Chanyeol nods and lets him go but Baekhyun only gets a couple steps far before his best friend calls him back. Baekhyun looks at him expectantly and suddenly Chanyeol approaches him with steady steps. 

“I’m sorry, I kinda can’t wait for the real thing now that I’ve had a taste.”  

He places his hands on both sides of Baekhyun’s cheeks and gently pulls him into a kiss. Chanyeol’s lips were soft, oh so soft, despite being chapped from all the crying and talking. The kiss was sweet and tender but didn’t lack passion. It felt like an explosive meeting of fire and light and it was better than Baekhyun had ever dared to dream. This was it. This was where he belonged and who he belonged to. His heart had always been Chanyeol’s and he couldn’t quite believe that now, Chanyeol’s heart was his too.