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T’Lyn was known to be romantically suppressed, even for a Vulcan. Her pon farr came every seven years with little fanfare, as every time it failed to elicit much of a reaction from her. It used to make her feel defective, as if there was something wrong with her for being unable to feel such a basic urge. However, as time went on, she had observed how this urge made her fellow Vulcans act strange, and came to the conclusion that perhaps she was better off without these urges after all. Perhaps, this lack of emotion only made her more “Vulcan as a motherfucker”, as Mariner so eloquently put it. Especially now resigned to the Cerritos — the horniest ship in the fleet — it made her seem more Vulcan to be so sexually inactive. Combined with the fact that living among non-Vulcans meant there was less judgment from her peers, she was feeling satisfied with her sexuality, for once.
She supposed that was why it was such a surprise to find she liked someone on the ship in a romantic capacity. Contrary to what many of her colleagues no doubt believed, she had felt these feelings before. Once, she had even acted upon them and began a relationship. However, it had quickly fizzled out upon realizing that she was acting out the motions more than finding herself actually committed. She had decided upon breaking up that perhaps romance simply wasn’t for her and she resolved never to get involved in that type of relationship again. That was why she found it frustrating to find herself imagining a relationship with someone despite knowing it would likely crash and burn when they found out how uninterested T’Lyn was in many aspects of what one usually considered a normal relationship.
Beckett Mariner was an absolute wild card with an explosion of emotions. She was free-spirited and unapologetic. T’Lyn should not have liked her, but she did. Unused to her romantic inclinations, it had taken T’Lyn months to understand her feelings; she thought she merely wanted to spend time with Mariner as friends and study her chaotic ways. A more romantically intelligent person probably would have realized then that choosing to stay on the Cerritos for Mariner was likely a sign of attraction, but T’Lyn had originally brushed past it. It wasn’t until months later, during an echo of the conversation they had that day, that it finally dawned on T’Lyn. They were in the bar when Mariner brought a room temperature water for her “favorite Vulcan”. It was such a small, insignificant moment, and yet it brought T’Lyn such warmth to know she was Mariner’s favorite — and that was when she realized her feelings.
To distract herself, T’Lyn had immediately grabbed the water and gulped it down, trying to cool off the blush staining her cheeks as she found herself highly embarrassed. She had seen Mariner in that ridiculous outfit she wore on Orion, had spent months living in the same house with her when they were stuck on Dilmer II; how could she have not realized her feelings until right then?
“Wow, you must have been quite thirsty,” Mariner remarked as T’Lyn realized she had just drunk the entire glass.
“I have been quite busy all day,” T’Lyn remarked, hoping her voice sounded just as neutral as it always did, “and I must be getting back to my work now.”
T’Lyn would never have admitted to fleeing the scene, but she did perhaps leave quicker than normal. For the next few days, she threw herself into her work. With her promotion to senior science officer still quite fresh, there wasn’t a shortage of work to be done. Thus, she focused on her duties, using it as an excuse to avoid Mariner in the hopes that time away from the lieutenant would absolve her of her feelings. So far, it wasn’t working; she found herself spending most of her days nonetheless longing for Mariner’s company.
Mariner being Mariner, the young lieutenant had noticed T’Lyn’s avoidance and attempted to directly confront the Vulcan about it several times, but T’Lyn had been expecting this and was always prepared. She made sure to have lots of work-intensive, time-sensitive, long-running experiments active so that she always had an excuse ready. Unfortunately, this also turned out to be her downfall. As co-senior science officer, that meant she had to run these experiments with Tendi — meaning T’Lyn couldn’t ignore the Orion so easily.
“Why are you avoiding Mariner?” Tendi asked right after they began an experiment, trapping them in the same room for the next several hours.
“I have been very busy adjusting to my duties as senior science officer,” T’Lyn replied with her standard excuse.
“I have the same duties and I have still been spending time with Mariner,” Tendi pointed out, clearly not buying T’Lyn’s excuses for an instant. “She said you practically fled from her the other day. She’s worried she did something wrong and she wants to make up for it if she did. She misses you.”
T’Lyn couldn’t help but feel herself warm once again at the thought that Mariner missed the Vulcan’s presence in her life. Her mind couldn’t help but speculate if perhaps Mariner enjoyed T’Lyn’s company in the same way the Vulcan did. She knew it was illogical to think that way, but her fantasies didn’t care.
“It is nothing Mariner has done,” T’Lyn finally said, not wanting the human to feel hurt. “I am simply having difficulties.”
“With what?”
T’Lyn should not have said anything. She should have kept quiet and refused to reveal her feelings. However, Tendi had become an invaluable friend to T’Lyn on the Cerritos; it felt wrong to refuse a conversation with somebody who had always been so open and friendly.
“I have found that I have… romantic feelings towards Lieutenant Mariner,” T’Lyn admitted.
Tendi actually squealed at that, jumping up and down eagerly. “Oooh, T’Lyn! This is so exciting! You have a crush. Now we’re proper best friends! We can stay up late and share our feelings-”
“I have no intention of sharing my feelings. I plan to wait until they go away.”
Tendi’s joyous energy came to a sudden halt as she pouted. “Why not? Don’t you wonder if Mariner shares your feelings? Two of my bestest friends in a relationship; it would be great!”
“It doesn’t matter if she shares my feelings or not,” T’Lyn replied calmly, although the words made a hint of sadness seep through her control. “A relationship between us would not work out.”
“Why not? Because she’s a human and you’re a Vulcan?”
“No. I have found that I do not want the same physicality out of a relationship as everybody else does. It will cause difficulty in any romance I attempt to pursue.”
T’Lyn knew that even if Mariner returned her feelings, the relationship would fall apart just like her last one. It was clear that Mariner desired physically intimate relationships, and T’Lyn knew that pressure to make their relationship fit that standard would eventually tear them apart. T’Lyn valued Mariner’s company — she had desperately missed it these last few days — but she didn’t want to destroy their friendship because she couldn’t be what Mariner wanted from a romantic partner.
“Are you trying to say you’re asexual?” Tendi ventured cautiously.
“I’m unfamiliar with that word.”
“It means that you experience little to no sexual attraction.”
T’Lyn was surprised to find the way the word settled into her heart like it had always belonged there. Asexual. Finally, she had a word to express her lack of desire. Suddenly, she felt seen. If that word existed, surely that meant she wasn’t the only one who felt that way. Perhaps she wasn’t the only outlier.
“I’m asexual myself,” Tendi continued, as if she had read T’Lyn’s mind. “Panromantic asexual, to be more specific. I always felt so wrong among Orion culture because of the way it emphasized sex. When I was younger, I tried to fit in and pretend that I liked all that stuff, but when I left for Starfleet, I realized that I didn’t have to be that way and there wasn’t anything wrong with me because of my disinterest in sex. I could just be me. You could be that way too.”
“Perhaps, but that doesn’t change the fact that I doubt Mariner feels the same way,” T’Lyn pointed out. “She will want something from me that I do not desire to give, and it will hurt our relationship.”
“You don’t know that,” Tendi pointed out encouragingly. “Perhaps she could be accommodating to your feelings. She might talk the big talk, but she can be very understanding when she wants to be.”
“It is not worth the risk. Isn’t that why you have not pursued a relationship with Lieutenant Rutheford?”
“Well… I, uh,” Tendi stuttered, her green skin blooming with a blush. “We’re just friends, and he clearly doesn’t like me as anything more.”
“His behavior would suggest otherwise.”
Tendi spluttered for a few moments, a look of surprise on her face that eventually morphed into a little smile. “Really?”
“I do not lie.”
Having successfully distracted Tendi, they did not talk about T’Lyn’s feelings about Mariner any more. Unfortunately, it turned out that Mariner herself would not be so easily distracted. Just when T’Lyn thought the human had given up, Mariner appeared out of nowhere to shove the Vulcan into a storage closet — the same storage closet where they had their heart-to-heart about T’Lyn’s Bendii syndrome — and once again smashed the panel so they were locked inside.
“Why have you been avoiding me?” the human asked demandingly, waving her hands wildly in the air. “It has been driving me insane! Did I do something wrong?”
“No.”
“Then why have you been avoiding me?” Mariner was practically shouting even though they were standing right next to each other.
“I…” T’Lyn hesitated, then remembered what Tendi had said about Mariner being willing to be understanding and realized that perhaps it would be best to get the feelings off her chest. “I had discovered that I have romantic feelings for you,” T’Lyn admitted. “I am attempting to get rid of them.”
“You… you like me?” Mariner said, sounding stunned as a bashful blush stained her dark cheeks.
“Indeed. Do not worry, though, I will not be pursuing a relationship with you and will instead attempt to purge these emotions through careful meditation.”
“Woah, wait!” Mariner said, jumping in front of the door before T’Lyn could attempt to escape. “Can’t we talk about this first? Why do you want to get rid of your feelings for me so badly?”
“I am asexual,” T’Lyn replied, verbally trying out Tendi’s word for the first time and finding that it fit perfectly, “and you are not. A relationship between us will not work out.”
“You don’t know that!” Mariner objected, blushing so hard it was obvious even on her dark skin. “T’Lyn, I like you too. I know I usually have much more physical relationships, but I’m willing to forgo that aspect if it means I don’t lose you. This past week of you avoiding me has been driving me absolutely crazy! I’ve missed you. We don’t even have to do anything! I just want to spend time with you!”
“I have missed you as well,” T’Lyn admitted, “and I… I would like to spend time with you as well. Perhaps we can attempt a trial period for a relationship.”
Mariner’s smile was as bright as the Vulcan sun. Suddenly, it made T’Lyn’s decision seem worth it, if only she got to see Mariner smile like that.
“I would like that.” Mariner’s hand reached out towards T’Lyn’s, but paused. “May I?”
In that moment, T’Lyn realized that maybe Tendi was right. Her previous partner had never asked before initiating intimate gestures, instead assuming that T’Lyn would be fully onboard with them. By asking, Mariner had already proved herself to be a more understanding partner. T’Lyn gave a nod, and Mariner took her hand, interlacing their fingers. A fiery blush rose on T’Lyn’s cheeks, but she didn’t pull away; it felt nice. Perhaps this relationship could work out after all.