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All members were drained after the hustle of the 24-hour transition from Tokyo to Rome. Although they were thrilled to visit the Roman Colosseum as their first attraction, they needed the rest. They couldn’t wait to be in their first hostel in Italy.
Vernon quickly removed his baseball cap, which he had been wearing all day. He ruffled his hair at the mirror, noticing a pimple emerging on his forehead. He was just about to forget the embarrassment when he got caught up sleeping without removing his makeup. The reddish bump seemed to punish him for his laziness the previous night.
Vernon turned his head, not expecting to make eye contact with Seungkwan by the doorframe. Seungkwan was holding the shampoo and body wash won from tonight’s game. Seeing someone in the bathroom, he also seemed startled. “Are you going to shower?” he asked.
Vernon froze for a second and then muttered an unenthusiastic “Um.”
Seungkwan sighed. He pushed those toiletries into Vernon's hands. “Then you go shower first,” he said briskly before leaving.
“Be quick.”
By the time Vernon came out of the shower with damp hair, Seungkwan was nowhere to be seen. The bathroom became a popular attraction. In just a second, Seokmin inherited the shampoo and body wash. Vernon was holding his toothbrush and asked, “Hyung, where's the toothpaste?” “Soonyoung hyung took it.” He made his way through several people and finally got the toothpaste from Mingyu. The tube had been squeezed more than a dozen times that night, as if they had returned to their debut days when thirteen people could use up a tube of toothpaste in one week.
Rome was grand and complicated, very different from Seoul. Along the way, the Colosseum, the Arch of Constantine, and all the architecture within sight were magnificent and exquisite. The empire of the past lavishly flaunted its achievements to visitors. In Rome, everything you saw had a history. Everything was a relic.
The next day, they moved into a small town called Panzano. A few minutes' walk from the villa was the local vineyard. Vernon liked the swimming pool at the new hostel. At night, the pool water, having been baking in the sun all day, was just the right temperature for jumping into it wearing shorts.
The air cooled down faster in the countryside. Vernon sat by the poolside, watching Mingyu and Soonyoung playing in the water. The splashes were high in the air. Some landed on him. Seungkwan walked by in slippers. He wore a black top jacket, but the lower legs under his shorts were bare and enjoying the breeze. In the game that night, Vernon got the last spot to trip in Florence.
The second day, Vernon, with Jeonghan and Joshua, had lunch in Florence. Vernon sent a photo of the orange cocktail to his mom. In the afternoon, the team of three just strolled aimlessly around the city.
Vernon passed by a record store with elegant décor. The shelves showcased records and CDs like a small exhibition. They used to be popular music media before streaming apps, but now they were now collectables rather than functional items. On the display wall was a striking deep blue record - the soundtrack of that movie Call Me By Your Name - it was only then that Vernon recalled the story happening in Italy. Two protagonists in the movie were looking up at the deep sky on the album cover. Fragments of the film flooded his mind, the broken arm sculpture by the sea, Shelley's ashes buried in Rome, and his epitaph “Cor Cordium”. The Santa Maria del Fiore that he had just seen with his own eyes, the terracotta dome, the orange Aperol spritz, the red of Florence, were instantly diluted by the film's green tone.
By the doorframe, Joshua, wearing the light blue shirt borrowed from Seungkwan, walked in, followed by Jeonghan. The two found Vernon and started to linger in the store. Joshua saw the record Vernon was staring at. He turned his head to Jeonghan with a smile, “You’ve seen that movie?” Jeonghan shook his head, “You know I don't watch many movies.” Joshua nodded and replied, “Right, I forgot.”
Joshua walked up to Vernon, who was about to move, when Joshua asked, “How?” Vernon saw Joshua's inscrutable smile and nonchalantly asked back, “What how?” Joshua raised his chin, pointing to the blue record. “The movie. It was good, wasn't it?” Vernon didn't answer, his fingers fiddling with the records labeled “Jazz/Soul” in front of him.
At some point, a middle-aged man walked up to them and greeted them in Italian. This long-haired Italian man appeared to be the owner of the record store. He was not at all shy in front of their GoPro cameras and the production crew, but enthusiastically chatted with them in Italian-accented English. Vernon and Joshua quickly nodded. Jeonghan decided not to bother with the English conversation and wandered off to other store sections.
The man told them that CMBYN was not a very “Italian” movie, even though the director was Italian, it was still a very American film. “If you go to where the movie was filmed - that's further north. Anyways, as Italians, we don’t have much empathy for the plot in the movie.”
The man asked where they were from. Joshua said “U.S.” and Vernon said, “South Korea”. The man looked puzzled and asked, “Aren't you together?” The two looked at each other. Vernon recalled how they had flown from Japan. Well, taking that into account, the answer would be more complicated. Joshua simply explained, “We are together.” The man’s hands flew in the air in delight. He said, “Bravo,” wishing them a pleasant trip.
As the three head back from Piazzale Michelangelo, however, they spotted an Asian supermarket. Homesickness immediately erupted, and Italian cuisine was thrown aside. Everyone ended up carrying large bags of Korean food back to the villa.
The return trip was quiet. Jeonghan was carsick, so they just sat silently and conserved their energy. The movie soundtrack began playing in Vernon's earphones. Once it got to Sufjan's song, he skipped it. The movie and the soundtrack had been released in 2017. He couldn’t believe it had been that long since the movie came out, long enough that going back two more years would bring them to the debut day.
The sun was sinking. The golden-red sunlight passed through the vineyard, casting a warm haze over the town of Panzano. Vernon turned his head and said, “Hyung, the sunset is beautiful.”
Joshua, sitting in the middle of the back seat, nudged a half-dreaming Jeonghan with his elbow. Jeonghan put on a pale smile, his sleepy deer eyes looking out the window, “It really is beautiful.”
“Hyung, if you're carsick, just take a nap. We'll wake you when we arrive.”
Jeonghan muttered “it's fine, it's fine” and closed his eyes again amid Joshua's light laughter.
Vernon's mother replied to the lunch photo:
“Vernon-ah, can you send some photos of yourself?”
He was about to reply, “I didn't take any,” when he saw his mother typing:
“Have Seungkwan take some for you.”
“I also want to see Italy. I've been to Milan before, not Florence. What a pity.”
The last song on the playlist, “Visions of Gideon”, started playing in his earphones. There was no way to skip it because it was the end of the soundtrack.
Vernon only managed to send some landscape photos and replied:
“I went out with Jeonghan-hyung and Joshua-hyung. We were divided into groups for our outings.”
So, I’m not with Seungkwan.
He typed a few more words in the input box but deleted them after a second thought.
“The production team took some photos of me. I can ask them for some.”
Vernon didn't know how to remind his mother that he and Seungkwan were a past. Of course, he couldn't explain why, after breaking up, Seungkwan couldn't take pictures for him. Probably nobody understood them – team members, chingus, lovers - they only lost one of the connections. One past tense surrounded by more present tenses. Others would think the two were still as close as ever. In fact, Vernon could ask Seungkwan to take photos for him. Vernon was even certain that Seungkwan would be glad to take photos for him, just as he had always done so.
Their intimacy was so terrifying that it seemed like they never broke up, or they had never been boyfriends at all.
Before the three returned, the winery team was already back in the villa. “The production team gifted us wines produced in 2015, the year we debuted.” Chan stood at the writing desk, showing off the day's trophies. “We worried that Seungkwan would be lonely.” Only then did Vernon learn that Seungkwan had gone on two trips, the hot air balloon trip and the winery tour, but never going Vernon’s way, anyway.
Before dinner, the whole team went to the wine tasting fest in town. After wandering for a while, Seungkwan seemed to lose interest or was too exhausted. He sat at the dining table like a wilted little flower. Vernon sat across from him, catching a glimpse of him fiddling with the GoPro camera. Despite “having eaten three meals,” Seungkwan did not push away the pasta. He didn’t look like he had the appetite, but kept eating with his head down, only occasionally talking to Chan and Mingyu beside him. Vernon also felt he had had enough. Unsure if that was the wine or the food coma, the endless waiting in silence had made him very bored.
Vernon tried to recall the last book he finished reading. It had been a long time since he last read, especially in English. When he downloaded the novel Call Me By Your Name, he thought to himself, “There is no way I can finish it.” It turned out things were easier once you started it now. “If Not Later, When?”[1] Vernon was immediately amused by this wordplay.
That night, Vernon chose the Leaning Tower of Pisa for the next day's visit. Na PD praised him for being a curious learner. “You can see him doing a lot of research along the way and making good choices on which attraction to visit.” The members half flatteringly thanked PDnim for arranging all these tours. Even though Na PD was an experienced producer, he was still pleased to receive those compliments.
Vernon arrived in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The heat waves made all four members sweat a lot. The buildings they passed by on the street were buttery yellow - indeed, as the record store owner had said, the melancholic tone of the movie was far removed from the Italian vibe he currently perceived. He seemed to rely too much on that not-so-Italian movie for reference, to the point that he could no longer remember what he had expected for Italy.
Under the clear sky, the tower in the distance perfectly resembled itself in the textbook photos. They found a spot where the tower was leaning directly towards them. It’s strange and a bit counterintuitive that the tower seemed to be standing straight.
Walking inside the Leaning Tower, the loss of balance made the four of them walk wobbly. At the top, Jeonghan referenced Galileo’s famous physics experiment. In Italy, everything had to have more than one reference.
Seokmin teased Vernon, asking, “Which one is better, the top of the Leaning Tower or me?”
Vernon choked at the question.
This question was a thousand times worse than “which one of a thousand kilograms of steel or a thousand kilograms of feathers is heavier?” And it was not a rhetorical question, either. Even after living with each other for ten years, Vernon still didn't know how to answer. He could say “you,” but he admitted that he was a bit dull. His chingu is wittier than him in this way.
Seungkwan seemed much smoother and relaxed than him during this Italy trip, if not always. Even if others said that Seungkwan was the type of kid who would feel bad if the dishes he ordered didn't suit his companions' tastes, Vernon would say that didn't count because that's just the kind of person he was.
Perhaps Seungkwan was just smooth with him, or acting like nothing had happened between them. So Vernon couldn't ask further questions. He felt completely defeated.
Seokmin asked Jeonghan to take pictures of him eating the Leaning Tower as gelato. Vernon wanted to wander off when Jeonghan tried photographing him.
Vernon hated taking tourist photos. He could rant about consumerism or existential dread, but Jeonghan cut him off: ‘Do it for your mom.’ Vernon swallowed his protests and stood stiffly for the camera.
That was their last night at Panzano. many members had an outpouring of emotions after the talent show. They opened some late-night Korean snacks and proposed to open a bottle of red wine, but eventually agreed to keep the wine for Korea.
Vernon washed up early and lay in his single bed. On the other king-sized bed in the room, Jihoon also lay quietly, hard to tell if he was asleep. Vernon suddenly remembered that when he was in Florence, the record store owner had said “Bravo” to him and Joshua. He felt at the time that the Italian man had misunderstood their relationship. Vernon had no idea why he was recalling this episode.
Vernon had reached the third chapter of the novel. The chapter name was a made-up concept about the San Clemente Cathedral in Rome, called “The San Clemente Syndrome”. Surprisingly, the Cathedral is only a five-minute walk from the Roman Colosseum – Perhaps they had passed it on the midnight bus. Maybe he glanced at it, but knowing nothing about it. He still needed a novel to study its story, even though the book only gave metaphors about it. Vernon wasn’t a fan of metaphors. If anything, he’s against them. Metaphors encourage you to see things as a reflection of everything other than the thing itself. Worst of all, a poet came up with the metaphor of San Clemente, so it’s not about the archaeology of a Cathedral – it’s an archaeology about himself, his life, and his experience. It’s like the world gave you signs all the time. And Vernon was tired of looking for signs.
It was quiet inside the bedroom, only talking sounds coming vaguely from the kitchen. Vernon quickly fell into unconsciousness. In his dream, it was still the dreamlike Italy, the warm pool water, the Pisa Tower leaning towards them, the reminder from the production team: tomorrow we will go to the seaside town of Marlinborough in the north, and after another transfer, we will leave Italy, for good. The following would be the MV shooting, Budapest, and Hungary...
This dream suddenly became suffocating in the middle of the night. When Vernon woke up, Seungkwan was licking his lips, or rather, trying to smother him. Vernon first put his hands on the other's waist. He wanted to ask what was going on, but he immediately tasted a faint saltiness, wet and shaking.
“Seungkwan...”
Vernon's voice was oppressed and hoarse. “What happened?”
“I dreamt... that you left, that you also left me behind. Even if you want to pretend that everything between us never happened, I don't care, but you cannot…don’t leave me...”
Vernon was instantly sober, realizing that they were not in the dormitory but in a hostel in Italy. He covered the mouth of the person on top of him, “Hyung is next to us,” he said in a whisper, and immediately had his palm licked by the crying one.
Vernon's mind was in a mess.
“Let's get out of here.”
The bedroom door ajar showed how panicked the unexpected visitor was, but also left the two a way out. They rubbed their way to the door with the smallest sound possible.
Seungkwan's face was streaked with tears. His eyes were red, and the shades almost expanded to his whole face. He raised his head to kiss the other, not their first kiss after breaking up.
Vernon had no word. He opened his mouth, feeling his own voice so foreign, “Seungkwan…”
Cameras were all over the house, recording their lives without dead ends. Vernon could only push Seungkwan into the corner of the laundry room, using his body to cover both of them, so Seungkwan could come into his palm.
“You shower first this time.” Vernon soothingly kissed the corners of Seungkwan's eyes. Just as he was about to leave, he was grabbed by the hand.
“Shower together...”
Their hands awkwardly tangled together.
Seungkwan's eyes were swollen from crying, the rims of his eyes and the tip of his nose red, making it almost impossible to reject him. Yes, Vernon had no reason to reject him. He felt depressed precisely because he couldn't find a reason.
The trip to Italy completely caught them off guard. According to the plan, after a brief recess from the Japan Tour, they would go back to work, do choreography for the hit on their mini-album. Only in the everyday hustle could their relationship be safely put aside.
Vernon's silence made Seungkwan frustrated. Seungkwan let go of his hand, his voice suddenly becoming calm, “I'll be quick.”
Vernon was shut out of the bathroom.
The small town cooled down at night. Vernon was wearing short sleeves, and his sweaty skin immediately became cool. He could almost feel the throbbing of his flushed palms.
The time-lapse camera on the balcony had been working for three days, to capture the clear night sky of the Italian countryside and the stars shifting in between.
Vernon thought in despair: it turned out that how carefree they seemed had been a facade.
The pimple on his forehead pulsed stubbornly — a tiny, unpopped rebellion against the routines he used to smother everything else.
The sound of water in the bathroom was getting smaller. He heard a small cry:
“Vernon-ah!”
Vernon's heart sank - it wasn't at all like notifying him to go wash up. He panicked for a second and pushed open the unlocked bathroom door. Seungkwan stood naked on the tile floor, looking helpless, the showerhead in his hand only oozing a thin stream.
“We ran out of water again...”
Seungkwan's voice was low, like a puppy who knew he had done something wrong.
Seeing this, Vernon should have been frustrated to the point of explosion, but he felt a sense of absurd theatricality and wanted to laugh so hard — on the point of collapsing — that he knelt before Seungkwan.
Italy was built on layers of ruins — each era covering up the last.
Perhaps you know of the Basilica of San Clemente?
In the heart of medieval Rome, it was named after Pope Saint Clement, who died in the first century AD. Its former foundation was more than twenty meters lower than it is now. A great fire in the first century AD turned it into ruins, and new buildings were built directly on the ruins; after that, Roman houses were built on top of it, which were then converted into a temple complex, and next to it was a building with calcified walls, a prison, which seemed to have once been part of the imperial mint, and it became ruins again in the third century; from the fourth century, the cathedral was built and underwent countless additions over the next few centuries, eventually being abandoned again in the eleventh century. On all the ruins that had once been burned to the ground, today's Basilica of San Clemente was built in the twelfth century, and it wasn't until more than five hundred years later that the ruins at the bottom were discovered through archaeology.[2]
Seungkwan used a towel to soak up the precious running water and wiped Vernon's body with the wet towel, from his back to his fingertips. This was the only remedy he could do for his own mischief that night. They had seen each other's naked bodies countless times. Compared to the Renaissance statues they had just met for the first time, the former was more like some kind of warm historical relic.
“I'm sorry,” Vernon heard a muffled voice from behind, “forget about what happened tonight.”
Vernon suddenly felt his heart aching so badly.”Don't be sorry.”
Look up, this is today's Basilica of San Clemente: in the frescoes, branches spread out like fountain, and leaves extend from the bottom and curl around the entire niche. Naked cherubs play instruments on dolphins’ backs. Below are deer bowing their heads to drink water…. In the very center of the niche, white doves stand on the blue cross where Jesus is pinned.
Unfortunately, we missed it, and we will not be going back there, probably ever again.
But I can't forget what happened tonight either, what happened in the past, and what will happen in the future.
Neither of us can.
Fin.
[1] Title of Chapter One of CMBYN
[2] The Basilica and the Excavations – Basilica di San Clemente