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I feel like it's been a living nightmare and eventually I'll wake up.
I feel like I still hear your footsteps in the hallway, whether it's at my place or yours or at the office.
I feel like it is you on the other end of the line when my phone rings, it is your voice that speaks to me ...
I can't describe just how much I miss you, every other word is yet another understatement of how devastated I am. I miss you so bad, Mulder. In my heart. In my soul. In my flesh. This is unbearable. How often do I fantasy that I caress your face, your arms, your hands ... Oh, how much I miss your hands ... and then I burst into tears, knowing I will never feel them on me ever again.
I remember the last eight years, all that we've been through together. Always together. The last time I saw you alive, heavy-heated and entwined arms, you said you didn't want to "risk losing me". You knew I didn't think any less of you, did you? That I loved you more than anything in the world? How could you have died, Mulder? How could you have left me behind?
I would have done anything for you, I've told you this much shortly after we first met. I'm both grateful and stricken for that day when my life interweaved with yours. And then I blame myself for being mad at you. So badly. How dare I be angry at you when you're gone? If only you knew how I guilty I feel for not having been there when your breath ceased, when your heart stopped beating. I wanted to be there, to cuddle you and sway you in my arms and hold you against me as tight as possible. I wanted to be there for you even before that, to slaughter these sons of bitches who were harming you. But you left alone at night after weeks of absence, just like you were alone when you disappeared from the surface of the Earth. Where have you been, Mulder, all these long weeks? What have you been through? I wish I could take away some of that hideousness you endured, take it away from you, share your torment a little, ease your pain. You left in so much pain, in so much violence, that I literally bleed with you. Do you even know how much I love you? How much I miss you? How much I need you? I can't live without you. I want to join you. Wherever you are now. I beg you, Mulder, take me with you, take me to you. I beg you, read this letter and come to me. In my dreams at least.
I know that where you are now you no longer ache, and I hope you at peace, well and (somewhat) happy. That your questions have been answered.
My turn now to learn how to live without you. But it's so difficult! You were my everything, my best friend, my brother, my lover, my father, my touchstone. Without you I'm that little girl lost. I swear, I can't believe it. This can't be. You can't be gone. I would like to wake up from this nightmare now. Please. Come back. Bring us back to life.
How did you give your heart to me? How did I give you mine? As far back as I can remember, from the very first time you laid your hand on me, I wondered "How is it possible that this love between us is so strong? " Damn you, Mulder! How could you have left without me? You had no right ...
Nevertheless I want to tell you how blessed I am for having known you and to thank you for having shared these eight years of your life with me. I may incredibly ache today but I have no regrets. If I had to do it all over again, even knowing this horrible ending, I wouldn't change a thing. You gave me confidence, security, protection, love, harmony. Let me just tell you that I was happy with you. Very happy when I was with you ... I don't think I've ever told you this.
Today I struggle to regain a taste for life and for every day without you. Life is flavorless, and if it weren't for that little heart that beats inside me, I would be much lower. But when I give birth to your child, Mulder, who will he call Dad? What do I tell him? I know I will tell him he had a great father, but it's not what I mean ... I want him to know you. I want your arms to wrap the two of us when I'll be holding him in my arms.
I know that one day we will be together again. Although I long to see you, I know I have to find the strength to continue; my life is not over and I guess I still have a thousand things to do. Even if communication between us is now impossible, I find myself hoping you can hear me. We had that unique kind of communication, and so I wanted to tell you that I love you and remain forever yours.
Come join me in my dreams, Mulder, I want to hear your voice tell me how you are, how you feel, that you still love me. That's why I'm writing this letter. Read it and come to me. I love you, Mulder. I miss you so much.