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The theatrical thumping of the familiar opening of Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco made Nicholas spin around as if experiencing whiplash, looking in the direction of the stage to see what performer was choosing this, of all songs, to perform. Open night at the bar always came with some quirks after all.
As the intro faded into the first verse, a medium-toned voice rang through the bar’s speakers, barely making it past Nicholas’ brain that was processing everything much slower after a few drinks. He weaved his way back through the crowd—the biker guy he was just chatting up be damned—feeling a need to see the situation for himself.
Once he was at a place where he could properly see the stage, Nicholas was greeted with a sight he did not expect. A young-looking boy, probably too young to be performing in a bar and definitely too young to be singing this rather symbolic song, adorned in all black attire not dissimilar to his own.
It may have been the alcohol, or the flirty mood he was in just seconds ago, but Nicholas felt a small smirk grow on his lips when he raised the rim of his cup to take another sip. The boy’s jeans hugged his defined legs beautifully, and his arms were glowing under the crusty lighting in their full glory, nothing but a sleeveless shirt hanging loosely off of his torso. By the time Nicholas’ eyes made it to his face, he had already decided he was infatuated, but the visual he was greeted with made his heartbeat falter from where it had been matching the slow melody of the song.
The singer had thick, angled eyebrows, eyes that were defined by smeared, black eyeshadow, and full lips that glistened with every lyric he sang. Nicholas was entranced, barely registering the melodramatic words accompanied by the stronger beat of the song’s chorus.
The crowd had begun to thin down as the clock shifted into a new day, and by the time the second verse had come around, Nicholas was mere inches from the stage with an amp to his right that made the ground shake beneath him. He felt dazed, ears ringing from the loud music and his mind going blank. From here, he could see droplets of sweat run down the singer’s neck, and all he could think of was how bad he wanted to sink his teeth into it.
When the song concluded, Nicholas was gazing at the boy’s face as if to take it all in, not knowing if he’d ever see it again. Under poor judgment—for better or for worse—he forgot to look away when the boy returned his eye contact, a mischievous glint in his eyes as if he could see through Nicholas and read his thoughts. He was slow to react, and frankly, unable to pull his gaze away. The next performer stepped up to the stage, a young woman, and he handed the microphone to her.
Nicholas’ mind felt fuzzy, his vision starting to blur—oh, what’s that?
The boy seemed to be getting closer, taking up more of Nicholas’ view. He nearly choked on the saliva that was pooling in his mouth when it hit him that the object of his desires was actually walking toward him.
“You look a little drunk there, dude,” the singer mused, a small smile tugging at his lips, as if he found Nicholas’ flustered state to be amusing.
Nicholas slipped his still half-full cup behind his back in a futile attempt to conceal it, glossy eyes gazing up at the young man now towering over him. He felt something twist in his stomach—why is this kid so tall?
“I’m not drunk at all~” he slurred. “I think you’re mistaking me for someone else.”
The lilt of teasing in his voice made the other let out a breathy chuckle, exposing his—arguably cute—teeth that just further made Nicholas want to kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. Luckily, he wasn’t drunk enough to act on it. He was aware he didn’t know the guy’s name, or age, or anything, other than he apparently likes singing songs about being cheated on. Nicholas could relate to that at least.
“Oh, but I think I’m correct,” the singer replied. “You’re the pretty guy with the sharpest eyes I’ve ever seen who has been staring me down for the last five minutes, right? Or do I have the wrong person?” he teased back, batting his long eyelashes. It felt like his face was getting closer, or was it? Nicholas’ brain felt like a useless weight in his skull, unable to make sense of anything. The boy’s cologne started filling his nose, sending him into another dizzy spell.
“Sharpest eyes?” he repeated, forcing himself to maintain eye contact. “You must have been looking back at me a lot with that kind of observation.”
The taller grinned, winking down at Nicholas. Great, more heart palpitations. “What can I say? I have an eye for the finer things,” he chuckled. “My name is Riki, by the way, but I go by Maki in these spaces.”
Finally, a name.
“Maki.. I like it. I’m Nicholas,” he reached out his hand, feeling a warm palm collide with his fingers—something that would normally disgust him under other circumstances, but felt very inviting right now. He felt a wave of butterflies float around in his stomach with the strength behind Maki’s grip.
“Well, Nicholas,” his name rolled off his tongue like his mouth was created purely to call Nicholas’ name. Nicholas’ blood started pumping again, heartbeat in his ears drowning out the sounds of some metalcore song blaring through the speakers.
“What do you say you let me drive you home? I’d hate to make you call a cab in this city,” Maki’s eyes were hopeful as he carefully took the forgotten drink from Nicholas’ hand once he spotted the liquid threatening to fall over the cup’s rim, placing it on a random table nearby.
“Take me home,” Nicholas mocked with a laugh. “You sound like you’re trying to get me to hookup with you.”
“Trust me, I wouldn’t turn down that proposal under other circumstances,” Maki teased, smirking while straightening his shirt and fumbling for car keys in his pocket. “Let me make sure you get home safe. Since, you know, you stayed so late to watch me sing.”
Nicholas rolled his eyes but followed Maki when he began heading towards the back exit of the bar. “You sang for three minutes. I was about to get laid before you made that atrocious song choice.”
Maki grabbed Nicholas’ hand, pulling him on unstable steps through the parking lot until they reached an older-looking, black vehicle situated near the dumpster. It looked like it had seen better days, paint chips adorning the trunk’s hood.
“Take it you’re not a Panic! fan?” he replied under his breath, the sound barely reaching Nicholas’ ears that still were warm from alcohol rushing through his veins.
“Not after Pretty. Odd.,” he shouted from the passenger side of the car. “That album just didn’t sit right with me. Who goes from punk to folk that fast?”
The door handle felt like it would fall off if he pulled hard enough, so Nicholas used what little control over his body he still had to be gentle, sliding into the seat and letting the door fall closed after him.
Maki joined him in the driver’s seat, shoving his keys into the ignition and forcefully jerking them until the car’s engine rumbled to life. He leaned over to fasten Nicholas’ seatbelt, which he hadn’t even realized he’d forgotten to do. Nicholas watched Maki’s face as he felt around for the buckle with nothing but the dim lights of the car’s dashboard to guide him. His features looked even better this close and with fragments of the moonlight reflecting off of them—Nicholas felt nauseous. He wondered what he’d done in his life to deserve meeting a man this fine by chance.
“Are you from around here?” Nicholas asked quietly, just before Maki could pull away after the seatbelt clicked into the buckle. His lips flattened into a line, expression unreadable. Nicholas wondered if he’d already stepped over some unspoken line.
“Not really, no. I grew up in Europe,” Maki calmly explained, turning his head around to check his path before putting the car into reverse so he could back out of the parking spot. “I only moved to the Boston area a few months ago.”
Nicholas’ face felt warm and it felt like all of the organs in his body jumped with each roll of the car’s tires over rocks and speed bumps. His gaze fixated on Maki’s arm flexing with his tight grip on the steering wheel, the muscles casting shadows onto his skin when the streetlights hit them just right.
“Why did you move here, then? I rarely hear of foreigners coming to live here these days” he asked once he realized how long he’d been silent. Maki didn’t seem to mind.
“I guess.. I came here to find myself? I’m not really sure.” Maki’s face contorted in what looked like frustration—no—confusion? Maybe even anger? “I just felt like this was where I’m meant to be. I visited here once as a kid, and it felt like a place where people were free to be themselves. I always admired that.”
Nicholas nodded despite knowing Maki couldn’t see him, his eyes never leaving the road. “It does have that vibe. If you couldn’t tell from my accent, I’m not from here either. I came for high school and never left.”
Maki roughly pressed down on the brake pedal as the car rolled up to a red light, making Nicholas’ head bump against the back of the seat.
“I used to hate the city so much. The people, mainly,” he added, turning to look out the window as they passed by a row of buildings with way too many lights on for a Saturday night. “They’re much colder here than they were back in Taiwan. It’s funny, though, because now when I go back there, I still feel out of place. It’s like I’ve grown out of that environment, but still don’t quite fit into this one yet,” he explained, smiling fondly at the memories of his childhood. While nowhere felt truly like home anymore, Nicholas was confident enough to call himself acquainted with Boston. He believed he would build a home for himself here, eventually.
Maki hummed, tapping the wheel as he began accelerating again when the light flickered to green. “I know what you mean. The downtown folk are something else. I really love the music scene, though. My friend encouraged me to sing at that bar tonight after I’d played a few times at that tiny club over on Newbury.”
“Are you looking to make a career out of performing?” Nicholas asked with an amused grin. Maki chuckled when he noticed it in the corner of his eye. “Not exactly. Just looking for something to take the edge off while I try to find a stable job,” he shrugged, turning onto a different street.
“I think you have a lot of talent,” Nicholas replied honestly. “It’d be a shame to waste it.” He fumbled with the random assortment of items in Maki’s glovebox, all inhibitions subsiding when he realized the boy was not a secret serial killer in disguise.
“You must be even more drunk than I first thought,” Maki sighed with a quiet, sad laugh, bearing a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. It made Nicholas feel uneasy, his hand shaking as he scribbled something down onto a post-it note he found.
“Oh- I forgot to ask where you live.” Maki cleaned up his demeanor quickly, going back to his seemingly happy and charming self.
Nicholas’ confidence faltered, caught off guard by the stiffness of Maki’s joke. He felt a pang of empathy shoot through him, and for a second he wondered if he had a lot more in common with the other than he first thought. He knew those feelings of doubt and uncertainty; had been intimate with this type of loathing before—he wondered what was going through Maki’s head.
“Fenway,” he answered flatly, unable to maintain his playful facade. “A few blocks from the Fine Arts Museum. I’ll guide you.”
Maki nodded and wordlessly followed Nicholas’ every command, driving a bit slower so he never missed a turn, as this was a part of the city he’d yet to explore in its entirety. He was thankful it was so late and nobody happened to be driving behind them.
“I’m not actually that drunk,” Nicholas muttered under his breath when Maki turned onto his street. His apartment complex was seated at the end of the road, several of the units still having their lights on.
“What do you mean by that?” Maki asked, raising an eyebrow. “Are you saying that cup you were barely managing to hold onto back at the bar was full of water?” he laughed.
“No! Of course not,” Nicholas smiled, his heart beginning to race yet again. “I’m tipsy, but I’m not like—wasted or anything- I know what I’m saying.”
“I would hope so, or else that would be embarrassing for both of us, hm?” Maki teased, pulling into a visitor parking spot at the complex.
“Just shut up,” Nicholas groaned. “I mean that I was serious about what I said. I think you’re genuinely talented and that you should make use of it.” he unbuckled his seat, turning to face Maki with his whole body. “I felt like I was being pulled to you like a magnet the second you got on stage—there’s something so electric about you,” he confessed.
“Oh? I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I might shock you if you get too close,” Maki grinned, turning off his car engine. Nicholas could see him more properly now in the reflection of the apartment lights, could see how his eyes had begun to droop with the weight of whatever he was carrying on his shoulders.
Once their eyes met, he felt his heart stop for a moment. Something palpable—a tension that had been blooming, was starting to make him feel antsy. Nicholas took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second and reopening them to find that Maki’s had never left. “I think I’m going to do something stupid, and I think you shouldn’t stop me. Unless you really want to.”
Maki’s eyes widened in surprise and he tilted his head slightly to the side. “What are you talking about–” he mumbled until his words were cut harshly by the press of Nicholas’ lips against his own. He held still in shock, unable to process what was happening.
Nicholas had minutely begun to pull back, figuring he’d made the wrong choice. He’d geared himself up to run out of that car and not look back when Maki belatedly kissed him back. His energy was the same, if not more eager. He was the first to let his tongue slip out to trace the line of Nicholas’ lips, the first to dive in deeper when the other opened his mouth.
Maki could taste the remnants of beer and what appeared to be whisky lingering on Nicholas’ tongue, but beneath it, he could taste his simultaneously sweet and bitter flavor. Nicholas let him explore around his mouth for what felt like an eternity, until the muscles in his jaw began to ache.
He was still the first to pull back, leaving Maki feeling flustered and overwhelmed and with his lips damp from saliva. Nicholas gave him one final look before gripping the handle of the door and swinging it open. He darted out of the car before Maki could get another word out, turning the corner into the complex’s staircase as fast as he could.
The sound of his own heavy breaths were all Maki could hear in the remaining silence, his engine still off. He stared at the empty passenger seat, as if he could will Nicholas to come back. For a second, he wondered if any of this happened at all, or if he was still stuck in last night’s dream. It all had happened so fast—the last two hours felt like a weird lapse in his memory. It didn’t feel real, but his lips still felt tingly. The kiss was real, at the very least.
He waited for a few moments before beginning to drive home, following nothing but his muscle memory.
Nicholas threw himself into the shower to scrub off the bar scum and his makeup and along with it, his shame and embarrassment. It wasn’t as if he regretted kissing Maki—quite the opposite actually—it was what he had been wanting to do the entire night. He regretted not staying behind, far too afraid of how Maki would respond to take the chance that it might’ve been positive.
Maki did kiss him back, but that really didn’t mean he wanted to, if anything Nicholas has learned in his life.
He changed into pajamas and dried his hair before returning to his small bedroom. Just as he was about to get into bed, his computer pinged with a new notification. He quickly ran to log into his AOL Instant Messenger account, biting his nails when he saw he had a new unread message.
makihirota: running off after leaving your AIM screen name on a tissue in my car was a bold move
yixiangxox: sorry about that. felt like i was gonna throw up
makihirota: says the guy who’s ‘not that drunk’ :p
yixiangxox: yeah yeah whatever
makihirota: ..so
yixiangxox: so?
makihirota: nothing. just was wondering what that kiss meant
yixiangxox: it can mean whatever you want it to
makihirota: can it mean that i see you at the same bar on friday if you’re free?
yixiangxox: if that’s what your heart desires, then yes it can
makihirota: awesome. see you at 9?
yixiangxox: 9 it is
The closed door sound coming from the computer’s speakers let Nicholas know Maki had gone offline. He reluctantly checked the other’s status, his heart dropping as he read it.
makihirota: u taste like beer and something dangerous. i like it.
Nicholas buried his head into his hands and fell forward onto his desk, screaming into his palms as if it would starve off his frustration. He wanted Maki right next to him and simultaneously as far away as possible.
He wondered if this risk was one he should take again. It was a potential new beginning, a fresh slate to begin with someone new, and while Nicholas could feel his stomach clench in fear at the idea, he knew there was nothing he needed more.
–
The week seemed to pass slower than usual, with each of Nicholas’ shifts at the library ticking by like a snail trying to cross the road. He would clock in, do his work, clock out, race home to message Maki for a few hours, then sleep and do it all over again. On Tuesday, he actually fell asleep on top of his keyboard, waking the next morning with a pain in his neck that only served as a reminder of their conversations. Maki’s status that morning read “sweet dreams, cutie <3” and Nicholas felt like he was about to faint when he saw it.
He’d learned a lot about Maki through the hours they spent talking, like how he was half Japanese and his family would go on annual trips there, although it had been some time since the last visit. He spent half of Monday night raving about different Japanese snacks, insisting he take Nicholas there someday to try them all.
Nicholas shared some of his own memories from his childhood growing up in Taiwan; how he was always seen as the black sheep of his family with the way he was defiant towards authority and insisted that his life had a greater calling to it. He told Maki about his struggles with moving to America as a teenager, how it had broken him down and built him back up at the same time.
Maki was really responsive, excited that someone else shared his sentiment of feeling too foreign at times, yet too changed to return home. They occasionally swapped music links, finding out they had a lot of the same favorite artists in common. Nicholas was a diehard My Chemical Romance fan, and he kicked his feet like a happy middle schooler when Maki asked him to recommend his favorite songs. Maki was more of a New Found Glory kind of guy, which made Nicholas’ cheeks burn more than he wanted to admit, because of course he was into punk.
When Friday actually came along, he was buzzing with excitement and had a pep in his step while he rolled the cart of books down the fictional romance aisle, slotting them in their designated places. His earbuds dangled from his ears where Breathing by Yellowcard played through them from his iPod Shuffle. He couldn’t stop smiling even if he tried, no matter how strong the ache in his cheeks seemed to become. It was a strange feeling, being this old and still a victim to falling for someone too fast. Nicholas supposed it was no longer his teenage ‘loverboy’ persona anymore, but rather a core part of the person he was growing into.
It scared him, or at least part of it did, but he was trying to remember that true love doesn’t come without some level of risk.
Five o’clock rolled around and he left work, nearly skipping his way back to his apartment. He showered and changed from his uniform into torn black jeans with a red and black knitted sweater that looked more like a torn rag than an actual article of clothing. He paired his outfit with black boots that made him a bit taller—though not taller than Maki—and added black studs to his ears for good measure.
He kept his makeup simple—just as it was last week—with nothing more than some smoked liner rimming his eyes and a red-tinted gloss on his lips. He ran some gel on his fingers before threading it through his hair, giving it some texture that framed his natural waves perfectly.
He took a second to admire himself in the mirror, cocking out his hip and resting his hand on the counter. He smirked at his own reflection, knowing that he looked hot, irresistible even.
Maki would surely have to struggle to hold back.
He’d luckily saved up enough cash to take a taxi to and from the bar, hopefully sparing Maki the gas of driving out to this part of town. He scurried to the main road at around 8:30, flagging down an open taxi. Within less than a minute, a bright yellow car with the light on its roof alit pulled up to the curb. He slid into the backseat, quickly telling the driver the address of the bar downtown.
“We should be there in about twenty minutes, sir,” the driver informed him, to which Nicholas replied with a curt smile and thanks, leaning back against his seat and focusing on calming down. He was excited, but even more so, he was nervous. First dates brought their own unique challenges, and he wondered if there would be an awkward moment or two.
He watched cars and buildings fly by through the window, while Check Yes Juliet by We the Kings served as the soundtrack. He smiled at the image of Maki’s face, at the memory of his scent, rolling his eyes at himself—how was he this down bad already?
As the dark brown wooden door of the bar came into view, Nicholas straightened his back, taking one final deep breath and giving the taxi driver his payment for the fare. He took one last glance at his reflection in the mirror of the car before it sped away, then walked the few steps along the sidewalk to the side of the building, where Maki had suggested they meet.
He stared at his watch as the analog hands circled around the numbers every minute, even as it ticked over into the 9 o’clock hour. He started to fidget and get antsy, rocking back and forth on his feet. Maki wouldn’t stand him up, right? Not with how badly they both were anticipating seeing each other again, free of Maki’s post-performance high and Nicholas’ alcohol intake.
Before Nicholas could chip even more black nail polish from his middle finger, a pair of old converse came into view from where he was looking at the ground.
“Sorry I’m late,” Maki said through his labored breaths, resting his hands on his knees to recover his energy. “I had to park kinda far away.”
Nicholas raised his head to take in Maki’s appearance, finding all of his tension depleting with the warm smile on the other’s face that he couldn’t help but return.
“That’s okay. Nothing says a pregame like a quick run to the bar,” he joked, turning to start heading towards the growing line behind the bouncer. Maki laughed, following close behind.
“I can’t legally drink yet, so I’m not sure we can really call it a pregame,” he explained, moving to rest his hand on Nicholas’ back before moving it away at the last second. He was unsure if it was too soon for that kind of contact. “We can call it a pregame for the date though, if that’s what we’re calling this.”
“You’re not 21 yet?” Nicholas asked with his mouth agape. He wasn’t exactly surprised, since Maki didn’t look a day over eighteen at best, but still—why would he invite him back out to the bar then?
Maki stayed close to his side with each step they took as the line shortened. “Nope. Not even halfway through nineteen yet,” he answered, and Nicholas must have had a questioning look on his face, because Maki continued. “I like coming to this bar, though. It’s one of the only nineteen-and-up ones that aren’t in the sketchy part of town.”
Nicholas shrugged, nodding his head in agreement. Indeed, this was the best place for college-aged people to go for a night out. That was the struggle of living in a major city with so much fancy business going on; some areas just weren’t open to the younger crowds.
They were next in line no more than five minutes later, and Nicholas handed his ID over for the bouncer to look at. He was let in with no issue, and waited to the side while Maki got a large, black X drawn on the back of his right hand, letting the bartenders know not to serve him anything but water.
The lights were of various neon shades, filling their eyes as they stepped down the steep staircase into the main dancing area. The music wasn’t as familiar tonight, with the DJ choosing a mixture of Rihanna and Katy Perry to keep the energy up. Maki seemed to not mind the difference, even singing along to the current song playing when Nicholas dragged him to the bar so he could get a drink.
“What did you get tonight?” Maki shouted over the blaring background noise, gaining the confidence to grab Nicholas’ free hand and tug him back towards the dancefloor. Nicholas giggled, letting himself trail behind on wobbly feet, bringing his cup up to take a sip.
“It’s just a vodka cranberry. Thought I’d take it easy tonight,” he replied when Maki brought them to a more open section of the place, swaying his head from side to side to some Flo Rida song he couldn’t name if he tried. Nicholas looked up at him, feeling his chest cave in again, Maki looking so happy and free despite being completely sober in a room full of drunk people.
“Is this okay?” Maki asked while carefully placing his hands on either side of Nicholas’ waist, effectively trapping him mere inches away from his chest. Nicholas nodded, quickly downing the rest of his drink so he could discard his cup and wrap his arms around Maki’s shoulders instead.
“More than okay!” he shouted, running the tips of his fingers through the back of Maki’s hair, finding it a tad shorter than he remembered. Did he get a haircut just for this?
The song abruptly changed to something slower, Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade, if Nicholas remembered correctly. The DJ said someone in the crowd had requested it to play as an ode to her girlfriend. The whole floor got quieter, loud chatters morphing into hushed whispers into lovers’ ears. Maki mirrored the others, tilting his head down so he could rest it on Nicholas’ shoulder as they swayed together.
“This song is so pretty. I heard it on the way home last weekend and it made me think of you,” he said softly into Nicholas’ ear, hands on his hips coming around to fully embrace his torso.
Nicholas resisted the urge to pull on Maki’s hair as reprimand for saying something so tender when they only met six days ago, and instead turning his lips towards the side of his face to whisper a confession of his own.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about kissing you again since that night.”
Maki pulled his head away to look down into Nicholas’ eyes, his own seemingly full of something pure, a type of wonder Nicholas imagined he was probably mirroring. Maki’s hand came up to caress his cheek just as the song was about to end, leaning closer and closer, every centimeter making Nicholas’ heart stammer harder in his chest.
“Nico! Is that you?”
Maki’s lips could barely brush his own before Nicholas heard his name being called in the distance. The voice was too familiar, and it sent a shockwave of fear into his bloodstream, locking all of his limbs in place. Maki gave him a concerned look when he noticed the increased tension, his arms still winded around Nicholas’ body.
Nicholas’ ex-boyfriend, Harua, had run up to them, pulling a much taller boy in tow. “It’s been so long!” he shouted, stopping in his tracks when he saw Maki. He looked the taller up and down, a strange, almost amused smile on his face.
“Oh- you must be Nico’s new guy!” Harua said, waving. “I’m Harua. Nico and I dated for a while back in school.” He gestured to the awkward-looking boy standing to his side. “And this is my boyfriend, Jo.”
Nicholas looked them both up and down, taking in Harua’s appearance for the first time in what—two years?
Harua had changed, but he already knew that. Other friends from their class in high school had told him about the boy’s whereabouts. From what he understood, Harua was a sophomore in university, and studying some kind of engineering. The other guy, Jo, was an art student, and Harua’s boyfriend of around a year.
Nicholas had to remember to not give Jo a look of disgust, reminding himself that this was not the person Harua had chosen instead him a month before his graduation.
“Nice to meet you, Harua. I’ve heard a little bit about you,” Maki quickly jumped in, sensing Nicholas’ discomfort and inability to process the situation. He shook both Harua and Jo’s hands before wrapping his arm back around Nicholas’ waist, much more firmly this time.
It wasn’t a total lie—Nicholas had given Maki a very basic rundown of his former partners. Maki knew Harua had cheated on Nicholas, and that Nicholas wasn’t exactly the best partner to him, so he blamed himself for the infidelity. It was back in Nicholas’ past, far enough to be somewhat forgotten, but he had told Maki that he often wonders if he’ll make the same mistakes should he date again—something he’s done nothing but avoid since their breakup.
Seeing Harua again, having grown into an adult that looked happy—it made Nicholas feel a little reassured, even as all the emotions and guilt began to cloud his mind again.
Nicholas felt as if all of the air in the building had been sucked out into a vacuum, his lungs feeling like they’d been stabbed with wooden sticks. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t over Harua—he had known their relationship was long over before it actually was, but seeing him brought back the memory of the months of pain he’d endured in their aftermath.
“Nico and I go way back,” Harua said with a dramatic wave of his hands. “We were each other’s first friends in the international student club.”
“It really has been a long time..” Nicholas said quietly, with Maki barely hearing him. Jo awkwardly stood next to Harua, fiddling with the shorter one’s hand trapped between both of his own.
“Well, if you’ll excuse us-” Harua started again, seemingly unphased by the awkward encounter. “We were just heading out. Jojo’s stomach has been growling for like half an hour, so I need to get him fed. Enjoy your night!” he said with another bright smile and wave, heading in the direction of the door with Jo trudging behind him. Only when Harua was completely out of sight did Nicholas release the breath he’d been holding.
He turned back to Maki, who still hadn’t let up on the secure hold on his waist. “I need some air. Can you come with me?” he asked—pleaded. Maki nodded and without wasting another second, led Nicholas toward the exit he’d brought him to last weekend.
The back alleyway was quieter than Nicholas remembered, and all he could hear was the faint bass beats from the music inside. Maki never let go of his hand, even when they’d reached a curb, so he pulled Nicholas down to sit with him.
“I’m sorry,” Nicholas sighed, slotting his fingers in between Maki’s own and waiting for a second to see if he would pull away. He didn’t.
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Maki shrugged, a playful smile still on his face. He squeezed Nicholas’ hand comfortingly. “Sometimes these things just happen. Big city, small community, you know?”
Nicholas frowned, kicking a small rock across the asphalt. “I feel bad for clamming up like that. I should’ve been able to handle it. It’s been more than a couple years since we split up.” he said quietly. “It’s like my body responded before my brain could. I was in shock before I could think of what to say.”
“Is that your first time seeing him since the breakup?” Maki asked, and Nicholas felt like he could cry at the genuine concern lacing his tone.
“Yeah,” he nodded with another sigh. “Once I graduated, we went our separate ways entirely. Our friends split evenly between us, basically, though I think more of them were with Harua than me.”
Maki rubbed small circles into the back of Nicholas’ hand. “It’s a tough situation. I know you said you feel like you’re more at fault, but I assure you, breakups are a two-way street,” he replied, looking down at the ground.
“Have you been through one recently?” Nicholas asked, shifting slightly closer until their shoulders were touching. That magnet he’d felt before was stirring again.
“I broke up with my last girlfriend four months ago. We just wanted different things in life, you know?” Maki smiled, turning to look back at Nicholas. Time seemed to slow for a moment once he saw how the older’s eyes glistened in the moonlight. He felt a wave of some kind of emotion—maybe lust, or something similar.
Nicholas gazed at Maki through his lashes, a small curvature still tugging on the corners of his mouth. “I get that.. You have to find someone who matches both you of the present and the person you want to be,” he whispered, barely above a breath. Maki’s face was so close, he didn’t need to speak any louder. The words were meant for his ears only, anyway.
“I think I’m starting to find that..” Maki’s voice trailed off, warm breath fanning over Nicholas’ cheeks that were pink and slightly chilled from the breeze. Nicholas’ gaze flickered back and forth from the other’s eyes and his lips.
Maki’s eyes were dark and big, looking down at him with utter fondness. His lips looked even prettier this close—Nicholas hadn’t gotten to properly view them yet—and all he wanted to do was have them between his own again.
He didn’t have to wait much longer, as Maki seemed to be on the same page, leaning in at the same time Nicholas tilted his chin upward. Their lips pushed together in a more tender and gentle kiss than their first one, motivated by feelings and subtle traces of emotions they couldn’t yet name. The slow drag of the tip of Maki’s tongue against his lips had Nicholas giving in with a small sound, slotting his tongue around Maki’s lazily, simply just exploring.
His hands reached to fist the front of Maki’s worn out Panic! shirt, tangling the fabric around each finger as if they were his lifeline. He could feel himself falling, fireworks launching from the depths of his heart, leaving their trail in the form of teeth biting down on Maki’s plush lower lip.
Maki was the first to pull away, but not without leaving three more pecks to Nicholas’ lips in quick succession, grinning against them after. Nicholas was sure he had a stupid smile on himself, even when they pulled further away from each other to calm down.
“Hey, there’s a 7-Eleven around the corner. How does a snack sound?” Maki suggested after a moment of them both catching their breaths. Nicholas gave him a look, his eyes fond but his expression mocking. What the hell was Maki on about?
“Your idea of fixing this date is to get cheap gas station snacks? Where were you all my life?” he laughed sarcastically, jumping up from the curb and beckoning the younger to follow him.
The walk was short, as the bright red and green lights came into view as soon as they rounded the corner. A doorbell sound rang through the dimly lit shop when Nicholas pushed the door open. He charged straight for the flavored milk section in the fridge aisle, flinging the glass door open and grabbing a bottle of strawberry milk.
“Did you find what you want?” he asked after finding Maki in one of the other aisles, holding two different candy bars in his hands.
Maki turned his body to face him, but didn’t look up, eyes moving between both snacks as if he was struggling to make a decision. “Is today more of a KitKat kinda vibe, or are we feeling more nutty, like a Snickers?” he asked, completely serious.
Nicholas bursted into laughter, covering his open mouth with his hand. Maki didn’t budge, holding his front. “I’m serious, Nicholas.”
“Okay, okay-” Nicholas tried to stop his giggling fit, fixing his expression into something more sincere. “Maybe we should go for the KitKat. I think that sounds more appealing than a caramel and peanut mix tonight.”
“Perfect!” Maki grinned, throwing the Snickers bar back onto the shelf. He grabbed a second one of the KitKats and took the strawberry milk out of Nicholas’ hand.
“What are you doing?” he asked, speed walking behind the other who was racing to the cashier.
Maki set the items on the counter and dug in his pocket for his wallet. “I’m checking out, obviously.” He slid his debit card on the machine once everything was scanned. “You didn’t think I was letting you pay for dinner on our first date, did you?”
His teasing was beyond stupid, but it made Nicholas’ heart flutter anyway. “Well, I guess not. Since you want to be such a gentleman and all.”
“That’s what I thought,” Maki said triumphantly, taking the bag from the cashier and leading them out to the picnic bench in front of the gas station.
They took seats on opposite sides of the table, and Nicholas snatched the bag from Maki with a smirk. He took his candy bar and milk, tearing open the label on the bottle so he could take a drink.
“Do you like strawberry milk?” Maki asked, genuinely curious. Nicholas gave him a glare—wasn’t it obvious?
“Well, it’s in my hand and I’m drinking from it, so you might be assuming correctly,” he mumbled over the rim of the bottle, sweet, sticky liquid staining the corners of his mouth.
“That makes sense. You’re sweet, so it probably comes from all the milk you drink.” Maki giggled, seeming overly proud of himself. Nicholas rolled his eyes, but if his stomach twisted at his words, Maki didn’t need to know.
“Funny. You’re the one who was acting like a little kid deciding how to spend his one dollar allowance back there,” he snickered while watching Maki basically inhale his KitKat.
“You just don’t understand how important it is!” He complained, nearly spitting bits of nougat all over the table. Nicholas found him oddly endearing in that moment. “What kind of chocolate bar a man gets says a lot about who he is as a person.”
“And what does KitKat say about you?” Nicholas immediately threw back.
“That I’m reliable and easygoing. I’m likeable at all times of the day and in any situation.”
While unserious at the time, those were the ones Nicholas held onto that night—more so the weight that they carried to him. He pondered over them while Maki drove him home, while they messaged cute nothings to each other on AIM until 3am, and while he laid awake that night—tossing and turning, telling himself to calm down about the boy with a kind voice that was slowly stealing his heart, piece by piece.
–
Another two weeks of constant messaging, finally swapping cell phone numbers, and short coffee and dinner dates had Nicholas hyping himself up in the bathroom mirror to ask Maki to officially be his boyfriend.
They had planned to stargaze together on the rooftop of an old apartment building a few blocks from where Nicholas lived, a space he often retreated to in times of high stress or discontent with his life. He figured Maki might like the change of pace, and the weather forecast just so happened to project clear skies for the night.
Right as he finished tucking a few more hair strands into place, his clunky flip phone buzzed against the edge of the sink, rattling the ceramic. His heart was pounding when he checked it to find a simple text from Maki, letting him know that he was waiting outside his building.
He spritzed one more spray of cologne before running down the stairs and nearly tripping along his way to the main entrance. He felt dizzy when Maki’s car came into view, knowing that once he entered it tonight, they’d never be the same, one way or another.
Nicholas doesn’t doubt Maki will say yes to being an official couple, because they’d wordlessly been that for nearly a month, but there was a baseline fear that he had. While he’d opened up quite freely about his romantic history, Maki wasn’t as willing to; only revealing small details when it was necessary for the greater story he was telling.
Nicholas didn’t mind—because why would he? He doesn’t exactly care too much to hear about the past lovers of his future ones. He’d only told Maki about Harua because he’d asked about Nicholas’ worst heartbreak—it didn’t mean anything deeper.
He popped open the passenger door and sat down, buckling his seatbelt only after he’d leaned over the middle console to give Maki a kiss on the cheek as a greeting.
“Missed you too.” Maki smiled at him, so genuinely and preciously that Nicholas wanted to melt on the spot. He wanted this man more than anything—wanted to be his as much.
“Do you know the way?” Nicholas asked, lending his hand, palm up. Maki took the invitation, joining their hands together and holding them on his thigh while he drove with the other one. “Yes. I studied the instructions you gave me, of course.”
The radio played the simple tune of Northern Downpour by Panic! At the Disco, and while Nicholas really hated the album it was on, this was the one track he actually did enjoy. Maybe that was because the lyrics were nice, or maybe he only thought that because of how they sounded when falling from Maki’s lips.
For a second, Nicholas thinks that Maki could sing any song in any language and he would still be able to understand the meaning.
“Hey moon, please forget to fall down~” Maki sang along, guiding his car around the turns he remembered from the route. Nicholas couldn’t take his eyes off of him, hoping that this beautiful face would soon be one he’d be able to wake up next to everyday—what a dream it was.
The lyrics suited Nicholas’ desires for the night, and as he laid with his back on the cold concrete of the roof beneath him and Maki’s body heat mixing with his own to his side, he recalled them yet again.
“The moon is almost full tonight,” Maki said in awe, one arm tucked behind his head. He looked happy, excited even. “Even with the light pollution, you can still see it so clearly.”
Nicholas turned to rest on his side, leaning his head on his palm. He saw how the moon reflected in Maki’s eyes with each and every blink, and knew he didn’t need to look at the sky to have the same view.
“It’s pretty..” he trailed off, reaching to lay his free hand on top of Maki’s sternum. He did that a lot nowadays.
“How can you tell? You’re not even… looking.” Maki flushed a variant of rose pink when he caught Nicholas staring at him. He glanced briefly at the hand laying on top of his chest.
“I don’t need to,” he said simply, thumb tracing gentle circles over the soft cotton of other’s sweater.
Maki didn’t say anything right away—couldn’t with Nicholas looking at him like that. He gulped, feeling nervousness bubble up, a secret he had tucked away already threatening to spill over.
“I.. I need to tell you something.” He kept his voice calm, ignoring the spark of heat that flourished in his gut when Nicholas so attractively raised his eyebrow in question.
Maki took his silence as a means to continue. “This.. if we keep going, will be my first relationship with a guy- since coming out and all,” he muttered slowly, searching the older’s face for any sign of reaction. If anything Maki had learned about Nicholas, it was that his eyes often spoke milliseconds before his voice could. It took great attention to notice it quickly enough.
“Oh? And- are you comfortable with that?” Nicholas asked, still not moving his hand that was now pressed right above Maki’s heart, feeling each hard beat under his palm.
Maki’s face contorted in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Well- your first relationship after coming out is sacred. I wouldn’t want to steal that from you if you’re not 100% sure.” Nicholas brought his hand up to rest on Maki’s cheek, swiping the pad of his thumb right under his eye when he noticed a stray tear falling from it. His chest ached with empathy, knowing all too well the swarm of feelings that must be plaguing the boy’s mind.
“But-” Maki was cut off by the break in his voice and quickly tried to blink away any more tears that were beginning to well up. “I am sure. I just wanted you to know in case I fuck up sometimes,” he wetly chuckled, holding onto Nicholas’ wrist to lean into his hand even more.
Nicholas sighed, tilting his head down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. “Maki… Riki, listen to me, okay?” he had shifted so much closer that his body was nearly on top of the Maki's, cradling his head closer to his own chest. “We all fuck up in every relationship. It doesn’t make it more severe just because it’s a same-sex one.”
Maki’s fingers tightly held the back of Nicholas’ hoodie, his tears beginning to stain the front. Nicholas held him through it, running his fingers through the younger’s hair as he continued. “When I say it’s precious and sacred, I mean that it is a time in your life to live more authentically. You’ll remember it for the rest of your life, regardless of what the long term outcome is.” He stopped to take a shaky breath, willing himself to remain stable—a pillar for Maki to lean on.
“If you let me, I’ll guide you through it, give you the space to grow into the person you’re meant to be.”
The city sounds faded to the background, and Nicholas was thankful for the timely silence as he felt his own tears roll down his cheeks. Maki pulled him in for a more proper hug, burying his face into his shoulder. “Please… please be that person for me. I can’t imagine it being anybody else,” he nearly sobbed, voice chipping every few syllables.
Nicholas embraced him even tighter, to the point where he was slightly struggling to breathe. It didn’t matter, nothing else did, just Maki and the love Nicholas felt for him—the love that only seemed to bloom brighter with each passing day.
“It would be the greatest honor,” he whispered back, smiling through the tears still flowing like a river. They wouldn’t stop, but it seemed as if Maki’s weren’t either, becoming tears of relief rather than sorrow.
They simply basked in each other’s embrace for what could’ve been an entire hour; Nicholas wasn’t checking. He pulled away as minimally as he could—just enough to see Maki’s tear-stained face in its entirety, glowing in the reflection of the stars.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he whispered, never having been more sure of something in his entire life.
Maki gasped, certainly surprised by the sentiment—maybe more of its suddenness, because he’d be blind to not see how Nicholas truly loved him with his entire heart. His expression relaxed a second later, and he pulled the other down until their foreheads pressed together. With his eyes fluttering shut, and Nicholas’ mirroring them, he spoke with the same confidence.
“I’m definitely falling in love with you.”
As soon as the soundwaves of Maki’s words hit Nicholas’ ears, he roughly pulled them into a bruising kiss, one with much less finesse than the dozens they had shared thus far. Teeth clashed, it wasn’t perfectly centered, but it was full of unspoken words and promises. It was perfectly imperfect, just as they both were individually—now as a couple, as lovers.
For the first time, Nicholas let himself properly treasure the way Maki’s hands so perfectly fit around his waist, his personality so cultivated to match Nicholas’ own, his lips that tasted faintly of strawberry milk these days.
He imagined Maki was feeling much the same, as he pulled away to leave a blazing trail of kisses down Nicholas’ neck, as if he couldn’t stop himself. He ended with a singular, loud peck to the exposed part of his collarbone, tossing his head back against the picnic blanket, utterly breathless.
“You’re the best thing that has or will ever happen to me. I’m sure of it,” Maki sighed, eyes glossy and lips swollen and bruised. He was the epitome of beauty itself—not just then, but always.
“You’ve changed my life in ways I can’t even begin to thank you for,” Nicholas mused, pushing Maki’s hair back from where it was falling into his eyes.
Love came with a thousand risks, but with a million more joys, and Nicholas saw a version of himself blooming in Maki, one that looked suspiciously like his long lost twin flame.
–
Nicholas stumbled through the apartment door with his book bag, slinging it off his shoulders and letting it crash onto the floor. Wednesdays were the worst, with his classes running well into the evening hours.
He’d decided on going back to school for fashion design, the thing he’d always called his first love. Maki had been more than supportive, offering to move into his apartment to help cut some of the bills.
A year had gone by since then, and on these long Wednesdays, Nicholas often finds himself coming home to his boyfriend’s beautiful singing voice filling the apartment while he makes dinner.
He kicked off his shoes and saundered towards the kitchen, passing by the open notebook on the coffee table containing Maki’s current projects.
After much encouragement, he was able to get Maki to audition for a popular local band that was in the market for a new lead singer. They loved his voice instantly, offering him the spot that same day. They toured around the New England area just last month, and had over thirty-thousand likes on Facebook.
Maki took his task seriously, and always brought his own lyrical ideas to the table when the band met up to work on their upcoming album.
Nicholas couldn’t be more proud of him.
“Whatcha making today?” he asked from behind his boyfriend, hugging his waist. Maki relaxed into the hold, stirring rice in the cooker and making steam fill the air around them. “Just omurice today. We don’t have enough money for anything fancy right now,” he giggled, turning his head to kiss Nicholas’ temple.
They ate in comfortable silence, save for Nicholas’ gobbling sounds. Maki watched, amused, as the older inhaled his food in less than a few minutes.
In Nicholas’ defense, studying does make him rather hungry.
Their evening routine carried on the same for most weekdays, ending with a shared shower to save water and Maki dozing off in bed while Nicholas laid beside him, reading through a book or fashion magazine.
It wasn’t perfect, but they were trying—Maki had bold visions for their future; a house, a dog, maybe even kids. The steps they were both taking now were putting that plan into place.
Life was comfortable this way, even if they were still young and dumb. Nicholas looked over to Maki’s sleeping face and brushed his fingers across his soft skin, giving a few kisses to his cheek before turning off the bedside lamp.
In the middle of the night, Maki’s body makes its way over to Nicholas’ like it always does, and they’ll wake up to their phone alarms wrapped around each other like always, ready to begin another day.