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And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
– Antoine de Saunt-Exupéry, The Little Prince
February, 2007
“Hello dear listeners, welcome back to Night Radio with your one and only DJ Jin!” The radio host says into the mic with chirpy energy.
The radio station is a warm and toasty respite from the raging snowstorm right outside.
“We have a special guest today. You may know Han Taesan for his band ‘Little Prince’, who headlined for Rockville, Summer Sonic, Busan Rock Festival, and more. Hi Han Taesan-ssi, it’s an honor to have you as our guest. Congratulations on releasing your first solo song in Korea. In fact, it’s our most requested song this week. Could you tell me more about it?”
Taesan sits upright, remembering to correct his posture like his manager always instructed. “Thank you, it’s my pleasure to be here. I was seventeen when I wrote this song, I’m twenty-seven now so I’ve kept this song for a decade. It’s very close to my heart,” he says.
“Is there a reason why you’re releasing it now?”
“I wanted it to be perfect, so I polished it over the years. It was first recorded in a friend’s makeshift studio, on the second floor of an LP store. It was in the 90s so the quality wasn’t great. I was also a terrible singer at the time,” he laughs. The memories returns in his head like a carousel.
He continues, “I actually… wrote this song for someone. As I get older I’ve thought about them more. I hope when they hear this song again, they’ll reach out to me somehow.”
• • •
Taesan was seven when his mother, still fresh from her divorce, took him back to her hometown in Gwangju. Things are going to be a little different from now on, she said, but a good kind of different.
His mother squeezed his hand as a form of reassurance, for him and perhaps herself as well. The smile she wore didn’t quite reach her weary eyes. He never saw her look this exhausted before, not even when she came home late from her night shifts at the hospital.
He nodded and squeezed back with his much smaller hand. We’ll be alright, Mom, Taesan said gently, full of innocence but firm in his belief. The trucks passing by drowned out most of her sobs as she broke into tears behind the steering wheel.
Pretending not to notice, Taesan distracted himself with the view of the lush green fields outside. In early April, the dandelions were in full bloom. Their vibrant yellow after enduring a harsh winter was a testament of a resilient spirit.
He was all his mother had now. He must get stronger to protect her.
Taesan and his mother became the talk of the town as soon as they arrived. A quiet and quaint neighbourhood on the city outskirts like Duam-dong didn’t often see new residents to begin with, let alone a single mother with a young son.
It didn’t take long for the rumours from nosy neighbours to reach Taesan’s new school. He realized for the first time that hardly anybody cared about the truth. After all what sane parent wanted their children anywhere near the transfer student with a “promiscuous woman” for a mother. Some children even parroted what they heard from their parents and taunted him whenever he was nearby, others gave him a wide berth and whispered into each others’ ears.
Naturally, Taesan became an outcast among the second-graders and sat alone at lunch. He expected nothing would change until the shortest boy in his year slid a lunch tray next to his on what seemed the most ordinary of all Mondays. The ripples from such a small gesture felt more like waves crashing against his world.
“You must be the new kid. Hi, I’m Myung Jaehyun. Sometimes my friends call me Jae or Myungie. Plain ol’ Jaehyun is also fine.” The boy greeted cheerfully, stretching out his hand.
Taesan moved to shake it but retracted upon noticing the stares from the surrounding tables. Sensing his hesitation, Jaehyun flashed Taesan a lopsided grin in a carefree way and took his hand in a strong grip.
That little boy never left his side since.
• • •
It’s past ten by the time Taesan gets to the hotel, and he can’t wait to call it a night. The plane ride to Seoul the day before was rough, the turbulence from snowy skies disturbing his sleep. It’s a wonder he didn’t mess up his words at all on the radio show.
If only he can fall asleep at all. A month ago, he increased his sleeping pill dosage. Although insomnia is common for touring musicians, Taesan’s doctors were concerned that he only slept for at most two hours a night for the last eight years from working on his albums. It made him irritable and performing on stage wore him out. After seeing the toll of the stress on his heart, the doctors gave him an ultimatum: he could either cut down on the work or be at death’s door. His health-conscious boss panicked more than he did and forced Taesan to take his first vacation ever.
So now here he is, wide awake and thousands of miles away from his studio in Seattle, waiting for the pills to kick in. Bored from staring at the ceiling, Taesan flips open his phone. There’s a few voicemails that he might as well listen to in the meantime.
Taesan waits for the first voicemail to play.
“Taesan-ah! It’s Uncle Jo calling. Make it a habit to pick up your phone. All you young people do is text in codes and not know how to socialize,” His boss’s voice booms through the speaker. “Try and loosen up a little while you’re away. Go find a girlfriend or something. Don’t worry so much about the next album. The inspiration will find you.”
Taesan winces. It's been years, and somehow Uncle Jo still hasn't put two and two together. There’s a reason why he’s never thought of women as more than friends.
“Get me that red ginseng tonic at the market, too. You should drink some yourself, it’s good for your bones. Don’t wait ‘til you’re fifty like me and everything starts to ache. See ya kiddo, take care.”
It’s a surprisingly short call compared to his typical nags that last for hours. Having a Korean man twice your age for a boss comes with its pros and cons. Uncle Jo treats him more like a son he’s compelled to impart his lifetime’s worth of advice onto. While these advices are mostly useful as Taesan hardly remembers having a proper father figure, there are times his conservative views clashes with Taesan’s personal views.
Regardless, Taesan appreciates having someone like Uncle Jo around. He’s the first person who took a chance on Taesan’s college band, ‘Little Prince’ eight years ago. Their demo track made it to an executive's desk, then onto another, and another, passed around like a piece of trash until it landed in Uncle Jo's wastebasket. Uncle Jo’s little grandson fished out the CD, thinking it was an audiobook of his favourite story, ‘The Little Prince’. They listened to it together and to this day Uncle Jo takes credit for finding an uncut gem in the music industry.
Taesan’s band signed a contract the next day. The company was relatively small but had a strong influence in the indie rock scene in Seattle. Sure, it meant they didn't have instantaneous mainstream appeal, but they retained most of their musical identity while pursuing organic growth.
Taesan’s phone lets out a tiny beep and goes straight to the next voicemail.
"Hey, why didn't you tell me you'd be coming back to Korea?" A man with a deep voice says on the other end. Taesan can picture Kim Leehan’s pout right away, his one other friend aside from Jaehyun growing up. Taesan’s first part-time job was at the record store Leehan's brother owned, and the rest is history.
"Can't believe I had to find out through the radio. Seriously, let's catch up. I know a place. Text me when you get to Gwangju. Bye!" Leehan sings out, and the line goes dead. Taesan can never get his head around Leehan’s ever-changing mood.
The last voicemail is from Taesan's mother, asking if he wants to be picked up from Seoul. Taesan texts her, assuring her that he can find his own way there.
He tries to stay awake for a while longer. Checking the call log while gnawing on his bottom lip, waiting for the person he misses the most. After that, he blinks tiredly and drifts off to sleep.
Taesan sleeps the most on the train ride to Gwangju. When he opens his eyes to the sights outside, the lofty buildings of steel and glass that decorate Seoul have been replaced by a seemingly endless white blanket of snow over vast countryside fields.
He thinks of the Jaehyun in his childhood. The two of them huddled shoulder to shoulder under Jaehyun's thick comforter on winter nights and a flashlight illuminating their little world. They flicked through a space magazine speaking of distant planets and stars they’ll never reach, and stifled their giggles to avoid waking the entire household when they take turns telling dumb stories out of boredom. Jaehyun occasionally let out an uncontained and hearty laughter when Taesan managed to say something absurd that took him by surprise.
Those winters were the warmest in Taesan’s life.
The train slows to a stop and the overhead speakers crackle and pop, followed by a monotone announcement that they’ve arrived in Gwangju.
Taesan thinks it’s strange how everything is familiar yet different from what he remembers. From inside the slow-moving taxi, he gazes at the dilapidated street signs and ginkgo trees stripped of their leaves. There are also the family-owned restaurants where he celebrated birthdays and the end of exams, alongside the suburbs of old brick houses. Taesan and Jaehyun used to pedal through these streets on their bikes, feeling the wind on their faces.
Their child-like naiveté that everything would stay the same sheltered them from the harsh realities of life. The truth is that time keeps moving, the universe expands, and planets drift further and further away from the sun.
Before they realized it, what was once a close friendship becomes light years apart.
“Mom, I’m home,” Taesan calls out, leaving his sneakers by the entryway.
“I’m in the kitchen sweetheart.”
Taesan follows the smell of rich, creamy soup. Sure enough, his mother’s familiar back is hunched over the stove where she tinkers with the knobs.
“I’ve missed you,” Taesan mumbles, hugging his mother from behind. He peers over her shoulder at the pot she’s stirring.
She waves him off. “I’m almost done with the oritang. Go settle into your room. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”
“Wow Mom, don’t you miss me too?” He clutches his chest in mock hurt.
“Of course I miss my precious son. Every second of the day.” She fixes her eyes on him, gaze soft. Unlike ten years ago, there are noticeable wrinkles etched upon her face, each one a token for the battles she fought.
“But why are you still skinny?” she prods his stomach with a finger, “Did they not feed you in the States? I’ll have a word with Auntie.”
“I didn’t have much of an appetite. Besides, nothing beats your cooking. Don’t tell Auntie that though.”
“Really? Well, I’ve always been the best cook in our family after all… Hold on, what’s gotten into you?” she shoots him a skeptical look. “You used to spit out my cooking whenever I wasn’t looking. Don’t think I never noticed.”
“Mom, eggplants are the sworn enemy of every five-year-old out there. It’s a universal fact.”
His mother shakes her head and smiles. “Of course you’d have a silly excuse for everything. That’s also a universal fact.”
After deciding that he’s annoyed his mother enough, Taesan makes his way to his bedroom. He leaves the suitcase by the closet to unpack later, and takes a look around the room.
His bedroom looks like it’s frozen in time, exactly how he left it at seventeen. The nirvana posters he haphazardly stuck to the wall are still there, albeit now peeling at the corners. The first electric guitar he purchased after he made money from working part-time lies untouched on its stand.
What catches his attention is the lone book on his desk. Taesan picks it up, wary of the fragile bindings. He wonders why this book would turn up now. He turned his bedroom upside down trying to look for it before going to the States. The swirling spiral of the Milky Way, the color of spring snow, takes up the biggest space on the cover. It’s an astronomy book he bought when he was younger. He’d memorize the names of stars and constellations every night and the stories behind them, in the hope of understanding Jaehyun’s ramblings. It became a language that connected them, and they’d go hunting for these stars whenever they had the time.
A folded note falls out when he flips through the pages. There are barely discernible scribbles on it. Taesan grunts in amusement, recognizing Jaehyun’s chicken scratch handwriting. He brings the white paper closer to his face and reads it slowly.
Look at Castor and Pollux,
The gods pitied them, and they were immortalized as two stars of one constellation.
In the darkness, the shimmering and everlasting light of love united the soulmates. Hand in hand, sharing one heartbeat.
Once again, look at Castor and Pollux. Like the sailors did in ancient times, as they traversed through raging seas.
The guiding angels in the sky left behind a trail of glittering stardust, so that two lost souls can find one another in the endless ocean of black.
• • •
September, 1996
“It’s freezing out here, let’s go back.” Taesan tugged at Jaehyun’s shirt.
Jaehyun batted Taesan’s hands away, eyes transfixed on the skies above. “Hold on a bit. You’ll see.”
Taesan could be stubborn when he wanted to be, but Jaehyun also had his moments. It was the source of most of their petty arguments. Taesan no longer had the energy to butt heads with his best friend. Not when it was the last year of their highschool lives together. Who knew where life would take them next?
The two teenagers had snuck out in the middle of the night as their parents slept. It was Jaehyun’s idea, as were most things, that were bound to land them in trouble. They rode their bikes up to the foot of Gunwanbong Mountain and hiked the rest of the way to the observation deck. It sat on one of the smaller peaks near Mount Mudeung and was high enough to give them a clear view of the sky, far from the bright city lights.
Taesan didn’t realize that neither of them had brought their jackets until the cold night air hit their faces. By then, they didn’t want to turn around and grab them in case they woke anyone.
He complained the rest of the way, rubbing his arms now covered in goosebumps. Jaehyun trudged on as if in a trance, and Taesan’s whines were swallowed up by the mountain.
It was mid-September, a couple of months before their college entrance exams, and Autumn was in full swing. Their sneakers made crunching sounds, stepping on colored leaves that were scattered by the wind. In the daytime, the fall foliage in the mountains were breathtaking. The array of brilliant reds and golden yellows wove together like a scene from a Monet painting. It was Taesan’s favourite season, just not at nighttime when he’d much rather be in the comfort of his warm bed, hidden underneath a pile of blankets.
“Han Taesan, you’re gonna miss it if you keep glaring at me you know.”
“How are you so sure it’s gonna come out tonight?” Taesan mumbled, chin resting on his palm, leaning against the railing.
Jaehyun shrugged nonchalantly. “Just a feeling…” Then his eyes widened, “Look!”
Taesan casted an upward glance, following where Jaehyun’s finger pointed.
At first, there was nothing out of the ordinary; the full moon is high and bright against the starless midnight sky, but then streaks of neon blue and violet fell, and then another, until they found themselves standing in the middle of a rain of light.
These were the Perseids that Jaehyun looked forward to each year, evident from the calendar in his room filled with a red marker counting down the days. Perseids usually came in the second half of the year, when the muggy summer air yielded to the cool embrace of autumn.
In bigger cities like Seoul, you could barely see the Perseids with all the light pollution. But in Gwangju where nature surrounded them, the Perseids were clear as day.
“Let’s make a wish,” Jaehyun said, resolute, breaking the silence that had stretched between them as they admired the light show.
You still believe in that stuff? Taesan wanted to say.
Making wishes upon shooting stars lost its novelty by the time he turned ten. He begged and begged to have his old family back, to grow up like other kids with happy parents, but he figured he’d have better chances gluing broken pottery pieces together.
He chose to hold his tongue and nodded instead. Jaehyun’s eyes sparkled brilliantly at him, knocking the wind out of his chest.
Taesan shut his eyes tightly with his hands clasped together and chanted the magic words Jaehyun taught him, their shoulders brushing together. He’d never admit it out loud, but Jaehyun’s presence was comforting, especially in his darkest hour when he was a prisoner to his spiralling thoughts. It was why despite his many protests, he’d oblige Jaehyun’s whims every time.
Jaehyun was still making his wish when Taesan opened his eyes. Earlier he had opened his blinds and found Jaehyun standing next to his bike with a handful of rocks to get his attention. His heart threatened to leap out of his chest. It dawned on him then that all these years, he had been more elated to see Jaehyun than the millions upon millions of glittering stars.
“What did you wish for?” Taesan asked, nudging Jaehyun’s shoulder.
“For us to always be together somehow.”
“Like Castor and Pollux?”
“Like Castor and Pollux.”
When Taesan fell silent again, Jaehyun piped up, “What? Too cheesy?”
Taesan snorted and looked away, finding himself unable to hold their eye contact. “Yeah, kinda,” he replied lamely. Jaehyun’s unwavering gaze set Taesan’s nerves on fire, another truth no one could pry out of him.
“Well, I’d like to hear what you wished for.” Jaehyun quirked a brow, urging him to spill.
Taesan swallowed. I wish time froze so we can always be right next to each other like this. Instead, he answered, “That we’ll both become millionaires.”
“Really? Money is all you think about?”
“It’d be nice, wouldn’t it?” Taesan said with all the bluntness he could muster up, like he hadn’t racked his entire brain for a white lie.
Jaehyun scoffed but then paused, considering Taesan’s words. “Yeah, you know what? That would be nice.”
“You can get that telescope you always wanted,” Taesan pointed out.
“Right. And you can see the Oasis.”
Their conversation dwindled not long after. The rustling leaves indicated that the wind was beginning to pick up. They should get going before either of them caught a cold.
• • •
Taesan stays up, reminiscing the promises they made to each other as kids. He remembers the exact words, as if it were yesterday and not a decade ago.
“Since we’re graduating soon, promise we’ll always find ways to see each other wherever we end up.” Jaehyun murmured, holding out his pinkie.
“Promise.”
Neither of them kept that promise.
• • •
Taesan finds a yellow post-it note stuck to the fridge on Sunday morning from his mother, telling him there’s some bugeoguk inside, and that they’ve run out of eggs and milk. She must be working the morning shift at the local hospital today. Given that she’s the head nurse, their schedules didn’t seem to align. It’s only on her days off and late nights that he gets to see her.
While heating up the bowl of soup, Taesan makes a mental note to do a grocery run later. He wants to walk around town too, anywhere to escape the quiet stillness of his home.
Winters often make him feel ill at ease. With the birds and cicadas asleep in frozen trees, and a big house all to himself, loneliness creeps in and threatens to swallow him whole.
In the bustling city of Seattle, with loud neighbours creating a ruckus next door, there was always some presence of life. Making music was also a helpful distraction.
He wonders what his bandmates are up to. Wonbin is probably busy cozying up to the guy he met at an after-party, what’s his name… Sunghan— no, Sungchan. He was the happiest to hear that Taesan was taking a break because it meant there are no hectic schedules getting in the way of his, in his own words, “disastrous” love life. And that brat, Woonhak, never checks his phone either. When he doesn’t have drumsticks in his hands, he’s locked up in his room playing Halo 3.
Taesan wouldn’t trade them for the world, though. No one else has been as patient with Taesan when he gets fussy with the band’s music direction. It’s just that all of them are equally awful at expressing sentimentality to each other outside of music, or while sober. He holds off on the thought of texting them and gets ready for a day out.
When the sun is no longer hiding behind dense clouds, Taesan takes a stroll around the neighbourhood. Duam-dong is a peaceful residential area known for its proximity to Mount Mudeung that towers over the city. He doesn’t have a particular destination in mind, but his feet take him around the corner to an unassuming house with a green gate. One of the gates is a little loose as Jaehyun was careless and slammed it one too many times when they were growing up. Even after all of these years, this house is still familiar.
Taesan must look a little out of place standing outside, because a kind-faced old man comes out to greet him.
“Morning young man. Are you interested in renting this property?” he asks.
Taesan shakes his head. “Oh no. A close friend of mine used to live here. Do you mind if I take a little look around?”
The old man beckons him inside rather enthusiastically.
Whenever Taesan felt bored after school, he’d go to Jaehyun’s place. At some point, he started spending more time there than in his own home. His mother was too busy to cook, and delivery food and reheated leftovers got old fast. Knowing his situation, Jaehyun’s mother often invited him for dinner and urged him to sleep over. It was sweet how Jaehyun’s parents treated him like he was their third son, even including him in family outings.
There’s one place Taesan wants to see the most in this home. As he opens the door to Jaehyun’s old room, the first thing he notices is that the wall that was once sky blue has been painted over with white. Most of the furniture was replaced with a more modern design, and everything is spotlessly clean. It’s eerie not having to step around books, clothes, star charts, and cushions strewn about. There’s no gigantic telescope either to bump his elbows into since it was too cramped.
The bedroom would be completely devoid of personality if not for the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Taesan remembers getting them for Jaehyun’s eighth birthday.
When he and Jaehyun squeezed into the same bed with Taesan’s leg partly hanging out after his growth spurt, Taesan called Jaehyun childish for keeping the stickers even well into high school. Jaehyun shrugged and said that they helped him fall asleep.
“Taesan, you plucked these stars out of the sky for me. I’d be crazy to remove it,” Jaehyun said with full conviction. He always picked the strangest times to get serious.
Taesan flicked his forehead lightly and told him to go to sleep instead of muttering nonsense. He bought those stickers downtown for ten thousand won.
“We’ve never been able to get those stickers off,” the old man chuckles, “but the newer tenants didn’t mind. They said it added a charm to the place.”
Before leaving, Taesan asks the old man if he knows what happened to the original owners of the house. He explains that he was hired to tend to the property after it was sold and turned into a rental in the late nineties. The 1997 financial crisis was tough on a lot of local businesses who either declared bankruptcy or relocated abroad. He thinks that Jaehyun’s family, who dealt with electronics, was probably impacted in some way.
After getting the eggs and milk, Taesan stops by the record store where he used to work part-time. He’s glad to see little has changed. The wooden interior gives off a rustic feel and the walls are lined with memorabilia of rock ballad artists from the 80s. String lights that he used to find tacky crisscross the low ceilings and bathe the room in a warm glow in the evening twilight.
Before massive shopping malls emerged, and with little for teenagers to do for entertainment, these independent and quaint shops were all the rage. Taesan could spend hours perusing the collection. It felt as if he was hanging out with his favourite rock stars. It was a way to connect to other music lovers as well as those more knowledgeable than he was. Eventually he hung around so much that Leehan’s brother took notice and trusted him to help man the store.
A boy who looks about sixteen stands behind the counter, too engrossed in playing his Nintendo DS to acknowledge him.
Approaching him, Taesan asks, “Excuse me, does Kim Leehyun still own this store?”
The boy scowls, having been interrupted from his game. “Yeah, he’s busy with the grand opening of another location downtown,” he answers bluntly.
“I see. Thanks.”
With that, the boy grunts and returns to his game. Taesan thinks he ought to tell Leehyun to instill some manners in the new part-timers. Maybe Uncle Jo was right in saying that the younger generation lacks social skills. Taesan shudders over the thought of him getting older, too.
Not long after Taesan leaves the store, his phone vibrates in his pocket. With multiple unread text messages, he has a slight feeling of who they’re from.
Leehan
11-02-2007 19:16
hey han taesan ur not avoiding me r u? >:(
had to find out ur here alr from our part-timer. he said a mean-looking guy was being nosy.
thought it must be u
Taesan
11-02-2007 19:17
Me??? mean looking???? that kid was swearing at me with his eyes, i wanted to poke his eyes out.
Where did u find that rude brat anyway?
Leehan
11-02-2007 19:20
actually… he’s my cousin lol :P
i get off work soon. there’s a new grilled eel place in dong-gu
lets meet there, i’ll send you the address
In true Leehan fashion, he arrives almost an hour late. He apologizes profusely and offers to pay for dinner, but Taesan has already had his fill. Instead, he watches Leehan grill another serving of eel meat for himself.
“How’s business going?” Taesan asks, pouring soju into both of their shot glasses.
“Great. There’s more people interested in collecting vinyls nowadays. But eh, enough about me. I should be asking Mr. Famous here.” Leehan gestures to Taesan with the tongs and holds it up to him like a mic. “Tell me Taesan-ssi, how’s the rock star life?”
The news reporter voice Leehan imitates is ridiculous but Taesan cracks a tiny smile regardless.
“I think I’ve had enough cup noodles and gas station food in this lifetime,” he replies.
“C’mon… No wild parties? Getting freaky backstage? What about smoking the green?”
“You should ask Wonbin, not me. Out of the three of us he does the most in committing to the celebrity lifestyle.”
Leehan sighs and puts the tongs down. “You’re still as serious as ever. I thought getting a taste of that freedom in the States would change you. If I were you, I know I’d at least try to push the limits a bit.”
“Yeah, because you were always a little rascal. I only ever ran into trouble because of you and Jaehyun. Remember when you had the idea to steal Leehyun’s beer stash and we raced to chug it all. That was still the worst hangover I ever had.”
At times, Taesan regrets ever introducing the two troublemakers. Leehan went to a technical high school on the other side of the city so their paths might’ve never crossed if not for Taesan bringing Jaehyun around to the record store.
“Sure, but the point is it was fun. Well, aside from having to fight over the toilet bowl the morning after.” Leehan lets out a little chuckle then quietly considers him. “You know, come to think of it… Jaehyun is the one who brings out the real you.”
Taesan perks up. “What do you mean?” he says.
“He just… has this way of making you light up and smile like a kid. I listened to your song on the radio and connected the dots. It’s about him, isn’t it?”
For someone who carries himself with an air of aloofness, Leehan was highly perceptive. While Taesan was used to Leehan sharing his observations on anyone who walked into the record store, he never imagined he’d be on the other end of his inquiring gaze. He feels as though his soul has been laid bare.
There’s no use lying to Leehan, so all he can do is nod.
“How long have you known about your feelings?” Leehan asks in a gentle voice, like trying to coax a frightened kitten out of hiding.
Taesan knew it was love when he thought about Jaehyun the same way his classmates thought about their girl crushes.
It was love when he pretended to sleep first, then turned around to watch Jaehyun’s eyelashes flutter against his soft cheeks.
It was love when he didn’t mind getting his shoulder wet from the rain, tilting his umbrella towards Jaehyun.
It was love when he felt content and happy being together with little words spoken between them.
It was love when his heart started racing whenever their skin touched.
“I’ve always known,” Taesan answers quietly. A warm and tender blaze kindles within him.
• • •
Taesan also knew by the time he entered sixth grade that he wasn’t supposed to feel this way about another boy in this world. People around him called it many things: a sickness, a phase, a sin. He was a monster in their eyes, pig-brained, a freak of nature.
One night when neither of them could fall asleep, Taesan asked Jaehyun a question that had been weighing on his mind.
“Jaehyun, would you… Would you still be friends with me if my brain was switched with a pig’s?” His chest felt tight, anticipating the worst.
Instead of judging him for asking such a question, Jaehyun turned to face Taesan and reached out to tentatively touch his arm. “Why wouldn’t I be? You’re still the same Taesan that I know.”
In the time it took for his words to sink in, Taesan blinked away the tears that made his eyes sting and hoped that the room was dark enough to hide that he was crying.
Once he calmed down, Taesan swears he heard Jaehyun talk under his breath, I like any version of you, before falling asleep.
• • •
Outside, there’s the silent fall of midnight snow. A few snowflakes drift toward the window, begging to be seen.
“Do you think he knows how much I love him?” Taesan asks, filling up his empty glass with soju.
After a brief silence, Leehan replies, “More than that, I think he feels it. Anyone would be over the moon if they had a song like that written about them.”
• • •
July, 1995
“Can I see the song you’re working on this time?” Jaehyun asked.
It was one of those afternoons when the summer haze hung thick and languid, and cicadas buzzed in the distance. They were both sprawled out on the floor of Jaehyun’s room, sharing an electric fan to beat the sweltering heat.
Taesan shut his notebook and hid it from his friend’s prying eyes.
“Don’t you have homework to do?” Taesan said, lying on his side and propping his head on his hand.
“Hey, I should be the one asking you. I did all of it at the start of our break.” Jaehyun gave a disappointed tut, “How will you get into college at this rate?”
“Sorry, we can’t all be nerds,” he said sarcastically.
“Geez, I’m sorry for worrying about my friend.”
Jaehyun suddenly pounced on Taesan to ruffle his hair because he knew how much he hates it, and giggled when Taesan complained and pushed him off.
“I bet having a song written about you would be the happiest feeling in the whole world,” Jaehyun said, looking up at the star decals littering the ceiling.
• • •
Little does he know, every song Taesan has ever written has been about him.
• • •
August, 1996
In the last summer Taesan spent in Korea, the financial crisis hit the nation hard. Taesan’s mother, worried about her son’s future, sat him down and posed the idea about continuing his studies in America. He had an aunt there who was willing to take him in.
Taesan felt conflicted. He had made plans with Jaehyun to attend a university in Seoul. Jaehyun’s eyes lit up whenever he talked about living in a big city together.
Jaehyun sensed something was wrong when Taesan didn’t indulge him in one of his many ramblings on what college life would be like.
“Why do you look like that?” Jaehyun asked, stopping in his tracks.
It was the weekend and the hot weather was perfect to get ice cream from the corner store. The gingko trees lining the street were bursting with fresh green leaves. Maybe he should wish for a summer that never ended.
Taesan slowed to a halt and turned to face him. “Look like what?”
“Like you’ve got something weighing on your mind.”
“It’s just… we got the CSATs coming up and all,” Taesan said, eyes downcast.
“You never worry about that stuff, what gives?”
“Can’t we get ice cream first? I don’t want to stand around in the sun all day.”
Jaehyun huffed and uttered out an Okay, fine. Thankfully, he dropped the subject, leaving Taesan to his thoughts.
On Jaehyun’s birthday, two months before Taesan was set to leave for America, he handed Jaehyun his prized Walkman with a cassette inside.
“This is it, huh?” Jaehyun said, sniffling. He must’ve heard from his mother about Taesan moving abroad.
Taesan nodded, barely raising his head. He couldn’t bear to look Jaehyun in the eyes right then and there.
He felt Jaehyun’s arms wrap around him in a tight hug. Taesan’s hand hovered over Jaehyun’s back before settling between his shoulder blades. Hearing Jaehyun start to sob was the final straw. His own tears began to wet his cheeks.
They stayed in each other’s embrace for what Taesan wished to be forever.
• • •
When their graduation date came, the snowfall rained almost endlessly, like falling stars. Knowing that the inevitable farewell loomed over them, Jaehyun and Taesan tried to spend as much time as they could together. It finally sank in and became real once Taesan got into the car. He was really leaving everything, Jaehyun, behind. He tried his best to remain composed, but seeing Jaehyun reduced to tears with hiccuping sobs tore his heart into pieces.
• • •
March, 1997
For a while they corresponded through e-mail. There was no telling when they could see each other again, but at least it was better than nothing. Taesan smiled every time Jaehyun shared anecdotes from his college life and all the new people he met. He, too, shared anything that sounded remotely interesting. It helped him feel as though they weren’t separated by vast oceans.
To: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
From: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
everything tastes bland here. i miss having tteokgalbi at ur house.
—
To: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
From: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
is that all u miss? wht abt the owner of that house?
—
To: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
From: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
right. ofc i miss ur parents and brother.
—
To: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
From: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
hey doofus i think u skipped someone. :/
—
To: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
From: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
do i have to say it?
—
To: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
From: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
u know i miss u the most, dumbass.
—
To: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
From: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
good.
—
To: Han Taesan [ [email protected] ]
From: Myung Jaehyun [ [email protected] ]
i miss u too.
Although one day Jaehyun stopped replying. Taesan tried to reach his phone number and his family’s but he was never successful. It was like Jaehyun never existed.
• • •
March, 2007
In early March, Taesan makes his way up the observation deck that was once a staple in his childhood. He squeezes the hot pack in his pocket to warm his stiff fingers. Everything is still covered in snow and Taesan almost slips a few times on the trail.
It’s a Tuesday and a workday for most people, there are no tourists up here either in these cold months. It’s strange being here all alone. He's never travelled out here by himself. He can almost hear Jaehyun telling him to pick up the pace.
He takes in the sight of the city from above. It’s much more crowded than the last time he was here. Tall buildings: hotels, offices, and apartment complexes have been popping up all over the place. The artificial lights emitted from these buildings would’ve completely obscured the view of the stars by now.
During the day there was a loss of the magic and serenity that can only be found when the city was asleep. He’s glad that he got to witness what the night sky looked like in simpler times.
Taesan’s phone begins to ring in his pocket. When he flips it open, it takes him to his lockscreen first. Though he’s changed his phone a number of times, his wallpaper has remained the same. It’s a picture of him and Jaehyun at their high school graduation, where Taesan had an awkward smile. He never smiled in pictures because he didn’t think he had a nice smile, but Jaehyun had urged him on.
An unknown number flashes on the screen. Taesan thinks that it may be spam but then remembers the radio show. His heart lurches in anticipation. It might be Jaehyun.
It takes a few seconds for the call to connect, then he hears a voice on the other end. “Hello, Taesan-ah. This is Junhyuk, Jaehyun’s brother. You still remember me right?”
“Junhyuk hyung? Of course I remember.”
“A family friend told me about your appearance on the radio show. I’m glad to see you doing well.” The phone beeps for a second, and Taesan thought he had hung up by accident, then Junhyuk continues, “Listen, sorry I can’t call you for too long, these international calls take up so much of my phone credit. Tell you what, if you ever have the time, come visit us in New Zealand. Our family moved here since Dad’s business relocated. I’ll text you our new address.”
Taesan’s body moves faster than his mind. Before he realizes it, all his belongings were already packed inside his suitcase.
“Son? Where are you going so soon?” Taesan’s mother asks as she stops by his bedroom, puzzled to see him so frantic.
“I’ve found him,” he says, failing to contain the happiness in his voice.
The realization slowly crosses her face. “Oh dear, that’s great.” His mother envelopes him in a hug and pats his back, knowing how difficult he took it when he lost contact with Jaehyun and the many sleepless nights thereafter, wondering where his best friend went.
• • •
On the plane ride, he starts to get strangely sentimental. Seeing Korea get smaller and smaller below him, he wonders what Jaehyun thought all those years ago when he got on the plane. He probably would’ve been jumpy as the plane experienced turbulence and not having Taesan’s hand to hold when he got scared, these armrests were his best option.
Junhyuk welcomes him at the airport. He expresses that he was surprised to hear Taesan took the first flight out of Korea after their call. Taesan is treated to a warm homemade meal by Junhyuk’s family. It turns out that he settled down with a Korean girl he met in university, and welcomed their first child a year ago.
After the late dinner, Junhyuk drives him to the Aoraki Dark Sky Reserve, where he can find Jaehyun. He went there almost every night since they moved.
“I’ll go park the car, just give me a call when you’re done,” Junhyuk says, leaning out the car window.
“Thank you,” Taesan tells him meaningfully, and Junhyuk gives him a small smile before he drives off.
Taesan traces the path Jaehyun must’ve taken time and time again. A few tourists are milling about, and he follows one of the bigger groups to the main stargazing spot.
The horizon is carved by miles and miles of snow-capped mountains. Taesan raises his head and is met by the clearest sight of the Milky Way he’s ever seen. Millions of stars gather to fill up the sky in a glittering white spectacle.
Taesan fishes out the postcard from Jaehyun that Junhyuk gave him in the car with a shaky hand.
Junhyuk broke the news to Taesan along the way. They scattered Jaehyun’s ashes there so he could always look up at the stars, just like he wanted. The details of the accident didn’t register in Taesan’s mind. Except that the weather in the area was dangerous, and car accidents were common.
They found the Walkman Taesan had given Jaehyun a few meters from the scene. Jaehyun never wanted to part with it and repaired it when it broke down. Junhyuk asked once if he ever got tired of hearing the same song on repeat but Jaehyun shook his head and replied, It feels like I have Taesan with me, with an unabashed smile.
The front of the postcard is a picture of the Aoraki Reserves with the same Milky Way. Taesan flips the card to the message Jaehyun wrote for him. A slight smile tugs on the corner of his lips, seeing that Jaehyun never fixed that awful handwriting of his.
From: Jaehyun
To: Taesan
Taesan, you know what I thought of as soon as I got here? Wow, this place reminds me of you. Here where it’s the darkest, the stars shine the brightest. I know it was hard for you to show people your dazzling light but thank you for trying around me. Whenever you smiled, it made me smile too. Of all the millions of stars out there in the universe, I realized you are my favourite.
I love you, Taesan.
P.S. Let’s come here together someday!