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“Wow, you picked a nice spot this week!” Patton whistled appreciatively, sitting down on a fallen tree facing a tranquil pond dotted with lily pads and bright green algae. Crickets chirped their incessant song and a bullfrog croaked from somewhere across the water. Patton took a nice deep breath, appreciating the yellow flashes of fireflies rising from the lush grass in the early twilight hours. The whole scene felt a lot more vibrantly alive than the places Janus usually picked for their little chats.
Janus only grunted, sitting down heavily and tugging his cape tighter around his shoulders. Patton frowned softly and bent down to pluck a small white-petaled flower with a bright yellow and green center, offering it to Janus.
“Huh? Oh. Thank you, Patton.” Janus held the delicate bloom in his palm, “thankssss.”
“You okay?” Patton asked softly, “I know I'm usually carrying these conversations. But you seem.. quieter than usual somehow?”
“I- I don't- I don't know wh-what you could posssibly mean,” Janus set the flower on the log between them. Patton was just glad he'd stopped crushing flower gifts immediately. But the stuttering and hissing was a bit out of character for him.
“C'mon, Jan. You know I won't tell anyone else. You are.. allowed to talk if you need.. or want to talk about it.”
“And what if I neither need noorrr want t-to t-talk?” Janus asked, fixing Patton with an unfocused stare.
“Oh- oh my word, are you…?”
“None- of your busssinesss,” Janus hissed, looking away again.
“Hey- it's okay. We're adults. You're not hurting me or anyone. I'm not judging-”
“You- You, Patton, are alwaysss judging me,” Janus snipped back. Patton leaned away from the accusation.
“No! I've been working on that! You're different from me, but we both want the same thing for Thomas. That's what matters. We can always work towards a compromise, as long as we keep Thomas as the focus, right?”
“Can we?” Janus asked, the forlorn tone to the question breaking Patton’s hopeful demeanor for a moment.
“Yes, we can. We always can. I promise I'm doing my best to not ignore you, or Remus either. And the others will find their way too.”
“I cccertainly hope ssso,” Janus nodded, wobbling a bit as whatever he must have drank beforehand took stronger effect. Patton patted his own shoulder softly and scooted closer.
“Nobody's looking. You can lean on me.”
Janus didn't take anymore prodding, setting his hat down on the grass and laying on Patton’s shoulder. Their conversation was a bit less focused than most weeks, but Patton thought Janus probably needed a break from the hard stuff for once.
—
Patton was even more sure a week later when Janus made a grand entrance by crashing down the stairs and colliding with Virgil mid-argument. Roman couldn't stop laughing about how Janus’s hair had gotten caught in Virgil’s hoodie zipper and the whole conversation had been completely derailed.
But while the others were laughing and Janus and Virgil metaphorically licking their wounds, Patton could see that glassy look in Janus’s eye again, although no one else cared to notice.
—
“Oh, yeah. Of course I can be there,” Thomas smiled but the happiness didn’t reach his eyes as the dread of social anxiety welled to the surface. He waved as his friends walked away and mentally scheduled yet another obligation that week.
“Um, Thomas? Are you serious?” Virgil popped up behind his shoulder, “you don’t want to go. Why did you promise you would? Now you have to go or they’re going to hate you forever. They probably already know you don’t want to be there and only asked to test if you would be honest with them-”
“Okay, that’s enough, Virgil. Thomas, do you have any evidence to support these thoughts? Also, do you plan on canceling another obligation this week to make time for your personal self care time?”
“Um… no and no. I’ll be fine this week. They’re good friends and I don’t get to see them very often. We can put them first just this once, right?”
“I see. Alright,” Logan looked around expectantly, “if there are no other dissenting opinions… done.”
“Thanks, guys.” Thomas smiled, continuing along his way, hoping no one else would ask him to spend time.
—
“Hey, Virge. How are you doing?” Patton padded into the living room softly, not wanting to spook the other.
Virgil still looked up sharply, relaxing when he registered it was Patton and not any other side.
“Hey, Pat. I’m just.. Relaxing. Best I can, ya know?”
Patton nodded, “care if I join you?”
“Please do,” Virgil gestured to the couches around him, although he had chosen the floor.
Patton took a look and decided to sit on the floor as well. He took a breath while stretching out his shoulders and neck. Virgil watched him with a look of easy curiosity before turning back to his phone.
Patton chuckled softly, “I think I may have lost my dust bunny outside. Because it’s a car pet ,” it wasn’t his best pun, but he caught Virgil smirking about it anyway.
“That’s a shame. Hopefully it can drive itself back home.”
Patton grinned, “exactly!” He waited a moment of quiet before asking, “have you noticed… anything weird lately?”
Virgil cracked his neck each way as he thought, “other than Janus resorting to physical battery instead of battery acid quips? Not really.”
Patton bit his lip, “that’s exactly what I meant. Doesn’t it seem like Janus is acting… different lately?”
“I honestly haven’t seen much of him around, which is fine by me,” Virgil shrugged, “I could have told you months ago that he wouldn’t like being a team player. It was nice of you to try, but it was never going to work.”
“Aren’t you worried about what could happen if he tried to duck out?” Patton asked, wincing when Virgil glared at him for using that particular phrase.
“No. I’m not. He’s not like me. Deceit isn’t a core part of Thomas’ personality the way anxiety is. Like it or not, you’re stuck with me, not him.”
“That’s not what I meant!” Patton protested as Virgil stood quickly, “I only wanted to ask you because you know him better than any of the rest of us-”
“Yeah, and I say good riddance if he decides to take a break. It’ll make things easier on you, me, Thomas-”
“Virgil, we both know it’s not that simple. Janus does have a role to play-”
“I don’t care. Go talk to him if you’re so damn worried!” Virgil popped out of the living room, back to his own corner of the mindscape, before Patton could even gasp at the swear.
He sat there with a deep and uneasy feeling broiling hot beneath his chest.
—
“- and another thing!”
“Be quiet you forked-tongued demon!”
“Roman, it’s very clear to the naked eye that Janus does not have a forked tongue. How many times do we have to go over this?”
“Did someone say ‘naked’? Let’s get na-”
“Shut up, Remus- no one wants to see that!”
“That’s not what your mom said, Virgie!”
“We all have the same mom- Thomas’ mother-”
Patton’s eyes bounced around the room faster than a ping pong ball, the cacophony of voices overwhelming and difficult to follow. They landed on the source of most everyone’s ire- Janus standing just a few feet from him, arguing heatedly with every opinion, no matter how trivial, with uncomfortable candor. Patton wanted to reach over, but a lump in his throat made it hard to breathe, throbbing with anxiety and shame each time a finger so much as twitched toward Janus to offer kindness or support.
Heaven forbid he be the only side here that didn’t want to make things worse.
“At least I can understand and contribute to the conversation! I’m shocked you managed to find two brain cells to rub together to come up with such a lame insult!” Janus nearly spit at Roman, causing the other to gasp with offense. Patton could see that Janus wasn’t steady on his feet, that glassy look creeping back into his eyes. He could practically see a giant wine glass filled to the brim in that outstretched yellow-gloved hand, even as it twitched with irritation.
“Janus, do you want to sit down?” Patton tried to make his voice cut through the surrounding bickering.
“Why even pretend to ask? No one cares what I want!” Janus snapped back, followed by a deeply uncomfortable silence from the rest of the room. Patton started to reach out to help steady Janus.
“Fight! Fight! Fight!” Remus whispered, earning himself a couple of annoyed glares and a shushing from Logan.
“What do you want?” Patton tried, taking a small step closer.
“I want-” Janus stumbled a bit before snapping and grabbing Patton’s wrist with a cold, iron grip. “I want to go for a drive.”
Patton yelped as Janus dragged him straight for the apartment door, brushing past Thomas and physically pushing Logan out of the way. He could feel the adrenaline spiking as the other’s shouts followed them out to the parking lot.
Janus clawed at a car door, still gripping Patton hard and growing increasingly frustrated as it refused to open.
“Janus- what are you doing? This isn’t Thomas’ car- can we even drive?” Patton asked, desperately trying to keep his voice even and non-judgemental.
“What. I. Want.” Janus growled, finally forcing the door open, “get in.”
“Janus, please-” Patton’s voice trembled as he tried to pull away.
“I said, get in.”
“Can we just talk?”
“Not here. In. Now, Patton,” Janus yanked his arm and Patton cried out at the soft crack he felt beneath the skin. Shaking, he climbed in the passenger’s seat and Janus slammed the door behind him. Patton held his wrist, which throbbed dully with the idea of physical pain as Janus climbed into the driver's seat and fumbled with the wires under the steering wheel.
“If Logan can drive, so can I. If Remus can figure this out, so. can. I.” Janus muttered under his breath until the car roared to life. He sat up and they peeled out of the lot and onto the street. The bright Florida streets quickly melted away for dark, damp, cramped alleys that Janus sped down with as much focus as he could manage.
Patton couldn’t help but hyperventilate, breaths coming short and quick as his mind tried to catch up to everything that just happened while the car’s speed raised his panic and anxiety with every sharp turn and close call with grimy brick walls.
How had it devolved this far?
—
“Janus has left the building, and taken Patton with him,” Logan declared matter-of-factly, straightening his glasses that Janus had knocked akimbo.
“Whaaaat does that mean?” Thomas asked, wide-eyed and frightened.
Remus giggled, “probably looking for a hotel-”
“Literally, shut up! You are not helpful. Ever!” Virgil snapped back at Remus, “Clearly, that is not what’s going on. Patton looked terrified.”
“Sounds like a fun friday night to me,” Remus shrugged, “but if you don’t think they’re shagging-”
“Functionally, Thomas, I don’t think it’s much different than when Virgil wanted to duck out. Their influence will just be weaker until they decide to come back,” Logan suggested, raising his voice over Remus’ continued description of exactly what he thought the two were up to at the moment.
“Never fear, we’re all still here for you, Thomas,” Roman added.
“Should we go look for them? Like with Virgil?” Thomas asked, the feeling of loss growing with each moment.
Virgil looked up from trying to block out Remus’ continued suggestions with his hands over his ears, “hell no! One, that was a terrible idea that we all agreed I would have stopped you from doing in the first place. Two, they aren’t in Janus’ room. They’re… out there, somewhere. Looking for them would be a very unfocused and unproductive use of time. We need to stay here and talk it out so they come back.”
“Will that work?”
The sides all shared uncomfortably uncertain looks.
“We can’t lie and say yes,” Roman offered very tentatively.
“We don’t know, is the more accurate answer,” Logan corrected, “but we are all parts of you. If you’re missing one of us, self knowledge and reflection is a much better method to… rediscover a part of yourself.”
“Okay- Let’s… try that.” Thomas nodded, taking a seat on the couch to breathe.
—
Patton screamed the first time a pedestrian popped up in the middle of the road. He was certain they were about to hit the elderly old man waving with a friendly grin spread across his face, but Janus jerked the wheel hard and swerved around him at the last minute.
“What- what are you doing? We- We almost-”
“We- we are- are finding the sub-subconscious. I can’t can’t handle those imbeciles any more. Aren’t you tired of- of ah- all that shit ?” Janus blinked rapidly, his eyes watering and bloodshot. He banked another sharp turn and had to swerve again to avoid a wooden cart full of rotting green apples.
“Is that why you’re always drinking now?” Patton asked with a terrified whine. He tried to brace himself by grabbing the dashboard but quickly pulled his hand back as his wrist complained at the pressure. “Because you’re tired? Tired of what?”
“Tired of- of no one trying t-to work together. Tire-tired of being underssttood. It feelsss like- like being de-defanged!”
Patton yelped as they hit a curb and the car jolted up onto the sidewalk, “Janus!”
Janus yelled and accelerated faster, driving straight for a wall. Just as they were about to collide, the wall melted away revealing a vast grassland.
Patton tried to sigh with relief until an elephant started charging at them head on. Janus kept speeding forward with a determined look to somehow win a game of chicken with a 7 ton animal.
“Janus, please!” Patton yelled over the whine of the overworked car engine. He could smell burning oil and wondered what burning alive in a car crash would feel like.
The elephant trumpeted and turned away from the car moments before they would have struck it.
“Nothing I do ever matters! Thomas hates hiding anything now that he knows it’s my work.“
“That’s not true! You do so much more than just help Thomas keep secrets,” Patton shouted back. As he did the landscape morphed into a dense forest and Janus began swerving around trees. Patton gripped his seat belt tightly and prayed they couldn’t actually die in the mindscape.
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. HE DOESN’T NEED ME!” Janus screamed, driving under a low branch that caught and tore the roof from the car. Patton screamed as leaves, bugs, and a long, heavy snake fell into the car from the new convertible roof.
“Of course he does! Thomas needs you- I need you!” Patton tried, one eye on the snake creeping up toward the front seat, “we all have trouble getting him to listen from time to time.”
“You’ve always been the favored side. You don’t know what it’s like to work from the shadows,” Janus growled, reaching back to encourage the snake up onto his shoulders, “do you know how hard it is to convince someone that something you don’t want them to do is their idea and also a good one?”
Patton opened his mouth to reply before noticing a large tarantula crawling up his chest, “OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO NO GETITOFFPLEASE!” He started hyperventilating again, swatting at the monstrous looking spider and yelling as the car hit a root and bounced high in the air.
The car landed roughly and Patton could just make out a sheer drop off in the distance.
“Janus! Janus please stop! I know. I know . Thomas doesn’t listen to me the way he used to either. I know it all feels hopeless sometimes. That doesn’t mean we get to check out forever- just please don’t drive off that cliff!”
Janus stared straight ahead, breathing labored. Patton wondered if he’d even heard him when Janus slammed on the breaks. Rubber burned and filled the air with screeching metal as the car careened to a stop, sliding on the grass until coming to a halt with one back tire hanging over the edge.
“Oh my goodness,” Patton tried to catch his breath, staring at the giant drop they nearly took.
Janus stared at the wheel of the car before breaking down into tears. Patton reached over to pat his shoulder.
“I know. But we can work through it, even if Thomas is embracing a more ambiguous worldview. He still needs our input, I promise he does.”
“I- I just-” Janus sobbed, “I just want to be hidden again.”
“It’s easier to trust you mean the best when you show up,” Patton replies softly.
“I don’t want to be trusted,” Janus whined, trying to push Patton off him.
Patton took a breath and chuckled, “you don’t mean that. I know you don’t. That’s the wine talking. Why don’t we go back and work things out tomorrow? When you’re sober again.”
Janus nodded, sniffing hard, “okay.”
“I better drive,” Patton murmured.
—
Twilight was melding into proper night by the time Patton found his way back to the mindscape version of the apartment. He looked over where Janus was sleeping in the passenger’s seat. He looked so much more at peace, even if he’d be complaining of a hangover in the morning.
Patton sighed and parked the car, walking around the hood to open the passenger door and bending down to gather Janus in his arms. Without waking, Janus wrapped several arms around Patton, making the carrying easier.
Just managing to open the door, Patton carried Janus into the living room. He was too tired to be startled when Virgil stood from his seat on the stairs landing, anxiously looking at the pair.
“He’ll be okay, Virge,” Patton murmured, “you can go to bed.”
“I- okay,” Virgil swallowed, “I’m glad… you’re both safe,” he offered quietly before disappearing into the shadows.
Patton waited until he was sure Virgil was gone before collapsing onto the couch, still holding Janus close. He sobbed softly with exhaustion. He didn’t feel safe. He didn’t feel okay. He wanted those things, but everything kept piling up and turning into a long process of healing and putting tiny shards back together into the semblance of a happy and healthy life.
He was tired of palms full of splinters.
Patton allowed himself a moment to feel the tiredness and the ache, the residual fear of it all.
Then he focused on deception and selfish preservation until he and Janus sunk down into Janus’ room.
The room itself was absolutely trashed. Wine bottles and broken stemware littered the floor, reddish stains all over the carpet that Patton was having trouble distinguishing between spilled wine and blood from cuts Janus must have gotten from handling the broken glass. Capelets and gloves were tossed all around the floor, despite the fact none of them really needed to do their own laundry. Patton groaned and gently set Janus down to get to work.
“Thank you, Patton. You’re a good- good.” Janus murmured from the bed as Patton quietly worked on picking up bottles.
“You can sleep, Janus,” Patton replied softly.
“But- thanksss. You get me.” Janus hissed softly, yawning wide and shifting to get comfortable.
“I try to,” Patton nodded.
“I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
“Well, I’m here, so you never need to find out,” Patton sighed softly. “You can go back to sleep.”
Janus never replied, utterly unconscious and snoring softly.
One clean up later, Patton was too exhausted and just laid down in the bed next to the sleeping side. Even as he could feel the ever growing shifty feeling of wanting to lie and hide and manipulate gnawing at him, it was the deepest rest he’d had in a while.
He woke up later, arms holding him close like a boa, warm and comforting. Patton smiled softly and yawned before settling back down to sleep a bit longer.