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Julien stared at the wall of the hotel room, many thousand thoughts surrounding in her head.
Her shirtless body lays there in the bed, the chilly air conditioning tensing her up a bit, not completely bothered by it, but still enough to give a a bit of relief and warmth around her. It takes her a while for get used to it, like she’s been trying to for the last few months since she got top surgery. It didn’t give her shivers, but it felt nice to be greeted by it.
Still, it felt…odd even being in this position, but she was still proud of her choice.
Lucy was in the shower. She just wrapped up the show. Of course, with Julien now being here, her priority would be her and her only now that she was done.
It was weird seeing her do her tour and not her. It was hard to blame her for the situation to happen this quickly. Her tour with Mackenzie was going around just fine. Sure, it wasn’t her best showing, but she was trying to hang in there for the sake for the two of them. She did had a bit of fun in it. She shown off her scars for the first time in a festival, something that was a big deal to her. It was the first time she has shown a bit of that to the public, on her own terms, and she was happy to show off a bit of that new part of her life with her crowd.
That was until the next few shows, when she felt unhappy, uncomfortable and uneasy. She looked a bit subdued in a few shows, very quiet and very depressed. She tried her best, Mackenzie tried her best too, but in the end, both of them knew they didn’t want Julien to hurt herself in the process. They canceled the whole tour so she could recover and take care of herself. Their long in the works album is finally out to the world, and just as they had a bit of movement, it comes crashing down.
She feels like she’s a burden to herself.
All because of things she couldn’t control.
She’s been grateful for the unexpected time she has with Lucy. They weren’t in each other’s orbit for a month, and they planned it this way, a whole schedule into which time space they can be with each other. She was relieved that she wasn’t upset with her for all this. She did told her to end it all if she wasn’t feeling like it. Now they would spent a bit of time together, until Julien eventually goes back to LA and reunite with Beans.
It pains her a bit about that. Lucy is one of the few people in her life who understands her completely, never takes her for granted, and loves her for who she is, scars and mess ups and all. She knows she’s doesn’t need her all the time to help her figure herself out, but in a moment like this, where she really needed to look after her mental health and wellbeing, she needed her, even when it seems impossible to think about or do.
She also couldn’t sleep now. Part of her thinks of the guilt and the shame of what she did, like a nightmare that never ends, and it sticks with you until you finally wake up. It feels like hell, and it made her feel like throwing up.
She hated it. Her mind is making her feel like all of this was her fault. For being a screw up, for fucking up everything, her schedule and plans and all beyond that.
But she didn’t want to hurt herself, or something else that triggers her completely, and she did the right thing.
Now, she really doesn’t know what to do now.
But she doesn’t want to go home. Not just yet.
She stays with Lucy, in her and her crew’s little bubble. She stays behind the scenes as long as she gives her space to be as comfortable as possible. She enjoys the company of her band, a well needed sight of familiar faces like Jasmine, Katie and Sarah to entertain her went she felt down in most moments.
And she and Lucy just catch up on each other. A whole month without being near each other had made both of them feel like a part of them had missed an important part of themselves. This is what happens when you’re both touring musicians, and they both know the deal. FaceTime was nice, but being with each other in person was so worth it. After everything that happened, the last place she needed to be was in her girlfriend’s hands and stay there with her for as long as she needed to, like someone taking care of a fragile thing.
It felt like the domestic life they have back home. No worries. No problems. Just her and her girlfriend, in their little bubble made of love and warmth.
She misses it, but she’s happy to get it back now, even if they’re not at home.
“Hey.”
Lucy’s voice finally disrupts her mental thinking, as her soft arms held out to her on her neck, kissing soft kisses on it to make sure she was doing okay. She was just fresh off the shower, another great show over with, now just wanting to be cuddled up with her sweet girl, who needs it more than she does. She’s been incredibly patient and supportive of all of this, seeing her take this needed break to find herself again. She missed her, she really did, but she was willing to herself that she would make her time here the best safest environment she could have. After all, she wants to make her happy and not get hurt by the pain everyday struggles gives her.
“Hi.” Julien’s timid voice replies back, looking at her with a sad smile.
“You okay, love?”
Julien didn’t want to talk about it. Lucy said it was normal to talk about her feelings, about the ill fated tour, about how she can bounce back from performing when she was ready to, about her in general, but she didn’t want to. She felt bad about damaging their plan, about how they could spend time together while on tour. She knows Lucy isn’t mad at her at all, but she felt bad about all of it. It just wasn’t fair.
“I’m fine.” The brunette whispered.
“If you need anything, I’m right here, okay?”
Julien nodded as Lucy kissed her cheek and went back to her suitcase to begin looking for her night wear. She didn’t want to speak, and just wanted her to let her have her space as well. Outside of her birthday show and the shows after that, she didn’t went to the others, just in case someone saw her in a bit of distress, which she wasn’t, but still. Again, Lucy just told her to stay behind the scenes, and she has to admit, she enjoyed her shows a lot.
The way she controls the audience with her voice, her lyrics, and everything else really proves how incredible her craftsmanship is. There really is no one who does it better than she does. The videos she has seen from the shows, from the Bullseye performances from Katie and Jasmine, the Modigliani drawings of the band during the songs, the Best Guess and Lost Time performances, where she might have shed a tear or two, and of course, Forever is a Feeling and her interactions with the crowd during the end. It feels like magic, giving these people the time of their lives for 90 minutes. It was also fun for them to hear True Blue by herself, something Julien didn’t even know of until she got video of the very first show, and she was happy that a shimmer of the boys was still intact in there.
The star of the show rejoined her sweet girl, now all covered up in blue night wear, a nice color for such a perfect beauty. It was so elegant, just like she was. It was without a doubt a sight for sore eyes. It was the way its sides hugged her curves, and the way it fits her completely, like it was made just for her and only for her. Julien could just pass on the spot staring at it for too long and never complain. It was really too much.
Making matters even more tense for her was when her hands, her soft, smooth hands, touch the carnation tattoo on her chest, the same chest with all her surgery scars for her to see. That one in particular was her request. She thanks herself every day that Lucy supported her throughout the whole process, despite her earlier fears that she would leave her if she ever considered it. She was the first person she ever told to about it, and she personally prepared for the worst, but Lucy, in her ever knowing sense of comfort, told her this that would stick with her for the longest time.
“This is what you really want, and I will support you no matter what. I will always love you, ever if and when your body changes.”
Damn it. This girl really is the best.
Lucy nestled her head on her chest, admiring it like it was a perfect work of art. One of the perks of Julien getting the surgery was that now she can hide in there for long periods of time, either out of embarrassment, sheer curiosity, or just pure lust. Even with their height difference, she enjoys herself settling in there, her fingers touching her curves and the other parts of her body that make her special in her own way.
And most important of all, she could hear her heartbeat, which is probably the most beautiful part of it all. Not only was it such a tender moment, but it makes her sure that’s she’s okay, that’s she’s still here. Still here with her. She thinks of heartbeats as never ending music, because it was deep and powerful to bear witness to it.
Julien lets her take her time with it, her own fingers playing around with her dark locks, making sure her presence is always heard. She has missed this when they weren’t around each other. The feeling of being alone with her, just feeling the comfort and connection of each other. The other lying down on their pressed together bodies, saying sweet nothings and deep kisses. Making sure the other was here, really here, in the safe little bubble that they made for themselves.
“You feel warm.” Lucy said, after what felt like a lifetime of silence, glistening in the blissful embrace. “You feel cold too.”
Julien suddenly understood why. “It’s the air conditioning.”
“I know, but there’s something so special about it, like it’s feeling warm, all just for me.”
A shade of red appears on her face, acknowledging the praise it was giving her. Then, before she could respond back, she felt a slew of kisses smother all over her body, courtesy of Lucy’s skilled mouth. Licks and touches and so many more that she could count. She felt her chest tighten at the sudden movements that were coming out of her girlfriend. But it was a welcome sight indeed. It was the best type of intimacy she could ask for.
Then, their faces meet each other. Slow, steady eyes meeting her own. Her arms wrapped around her neck, her heart already swelling over the fear of something she knows she might not control.
“You sure you’re okay?” Lucy asked her, one hand softening her shoulder with her thumb.
How could Julien respond? Sure, she was feeling a bit better today, but some days, it was rough to think about. Maybe it was the guilt of not completing these shows. Maybe it was the feeling of possibly being trapped again in her own mental state. Maybe it was other things going on with her. Whatever is what, she would take it one step at a time, all with the woman she loved the most.
Finally, she confesses.
“I thought about a lot of things today. Some of it were bad for me.”
Lucy understood. She always does.
“It’s okay, baby. You can let it out for me if you want. I’m right here.”
And she did. She talks about a lot of things, about her guilt, about the headaches, about Mackenzie and if she was still mad at her for ending it all, about loneliness, about her mental thoughts, about the time spent away from her loved ones, especially Lucy. It was great that Lucy is such a good listener, because she can see that she can rely on her with her problems, and that maybe she can help in any way she could. She always had that kindly motherly spirit inside, meaning that she cares around everyone around her, and she was deeply touched that she knows that she’ll always be there to listen and support.
And Lucy understands that there will be a time for all that to let it rest. To let her have her peace with it. It’s a lifetime struggle, but that doesn’t mean she’ll feel it all the time. Not everything has to be doom and gloom for her. She needed to find happiness. Happiness that she knows will make her life even more meaningful. Julien knows that she’ll always have lots of people on her side. Her family, both blood and chosen. Her boys, her best friends, and of course, Lucy, who always wants what’s best for her, and who always loves her back, even in her worst days.
Lucy tells her gently as she cradled her. “It’s okay not to be okay, love. It happens to all of us. You will get through this. I know you can.”
She presses a kiss on her forehead, the way she likes it. She knows she is safe with her. She’ll really need that for days to come if she rebounds in the future.
“Thank you, Luce. I really don’t know what I’ll do without you.” Julien sighed out.
Lucy smiled at her, letting her know she was listening. “Thank you for being you, JB.”
After a while of just hanging around and not doing anything at all, they finally decided to call it a night. She wanted to get comfortable without any problem, and Lucy helps her get into that headspace. It seems to be working, as she was getting sleepy. Exhaustion was starting to appear on her face, her eyes were getting tired, and, from the looks of Julien herself, she was getting tired too.
Lucy settled the two of them in the blanket, soft and comfy. She looks at Julien again, making sure this was okay with it. She was, as she lay her head on the pillow, taking her side of the blanket with no problem. She smiled, and kissed her, bringing her face with hers. Julien feels at home with her when it happens. The way her tongue fitted with hers. The way she makes her feel a bit warm inside. It felt like a sweet dream she didn’t want to end.
“Go to sleep.” Lucy whispered after the intense makeout. “You need it.”
She hummed in response, and laid back into her pillow, hopeful that tomorrow would be a better day for her. She knew she could take it, just like Lucy told her. A goodnight cheek kiss from Lucy reassured her of that.
“Good night, Luce.” She called her as sleep overtook her.
“Good night to you too, Jules.” She answered back.
Everything will be okay, Julien thinks to herself, because they will be. She will recover from this. She will bounce back. She is okay, she is with the person who loves her the most as well as her entourage. It will take a while to understand all that had happened, and yes, she needed to work out on some things, but she’ll take it one day and one step at a time, on her own terms and on her own pace.