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The first indicator that something was wrong should have been the bathroom door clacking shut, but Seungmin’s sleep-addled brain distracted him from the red flag. The second, should have been the toilet flushing. Twice. He rolled over and slapped his hand on the space next to him on the bed.
On one hand, it was good that it was empty so he didn’t accidentally hurt Hyeongjun, but on the other, why was it empty? Only one of his eyes managed to open, not that it mattered. The only light was the sliver that was sneaking out from underneath the bathroom door downstairs. Hyeongjun had insisted on buying black out curtains since even the slightest bit of light pollution would disrupt his sleep.
The last straw was the shower turning on.
He threw the blankets off and crawled out of the bed and onto the floor. The loft didn’t have a high ceiling and with how sleep refused to let go of him, he didn’t trust himself with standing. When he got to the steps downstairs, he took the first few on his butt before he felt his legs wake up a bit. There had been a few too many close calls for him to take the threat lightly. He swore that their next place wouldn’t have stairs, or, they’d be rich enough to have an elevator in their own apartment. (A guy could dream, right?)
He tried to call out for his boyfriend, but his voice was as scratchy as sandpaper and he gave up trying to force his body to work. His mouth was sticky and stale, but hopefully he wouldn’t have to endure it for long. He knocked on the bathroom door and gave it a moment before he opened it. Living together for so long had eroded so many boundaries away that he didn’t even think of it anymore.
Their bathroom wasn’t very big, so he didn’t open the door all the way so he didn’t accidentally hit Hyeongjun. There had been a few too many times someone took a door to the knee while on the toilet.
When he popped his head in through the crack, he hadn't expected to see Hyeongjun standing at the sink with tears running down his face in just his baggy Metallica shirt.
“Hey, what’s… wrong?” Seungmin stepped in but stopped when his eyes trailed down.
Hyeongjun had tried to step back, but all it did was make the red smear against his thighs more visible. He tried to pull his shirt down to cover it, but there wasn’t enough fabric to hide it. Seungmin was suddenly awake, his whole body ready to fly into motion at any moment.
“I-I’m sorry.” Hyeongjun sucked in through his nose as he tried to clench his jaw. His nose was congested with snot and tears, the wetness of it shiny in the harsh bathroom lights. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Seungmin shut the door behind him. “You should have woken me up. What happened?”
“I just felt wet. So I got up and it won’t stop.” Hyeongjun flicked his hand with annoyance toward his lower abdomen. “This hasn’t happened in months, I thought I was free of it. I don’t even have anything.”
“What happened to your old stuff?”
“I took it to work. I put it in the bathroom for the girls to use.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “I feel like I’m in middle school again.”
“What did you do then?” Seungmin looked down at the waste basket. The lid had fallen closed, but there were smears of blood on the side of it.
“Bunch up toilet paper and hope for the best. Shit.” Between his legs was a thin red line, a heavy drop steadily making its way down to his knee. “Sorry.”
Seungmin grabbed a wad of toilet paper and wrapped it around his fingers. Hyeongjun reached out for it, but Seungmin kneeled in front of him, gently wiping up the blood without going too far up his thigh. Hyeongjun’s nose scrunched in distaste and his hands gripped his shirt tight enough that he could have ripped it if it wasn’t so baggy.
“What did I say about saying sorry?” Seungmin smiled up at him as he dabbed at his skin. The salty bitterness of copper hit his nose, but it wasn’t bad. “How about you shower and I’ll run out to the corner store to grab you something?”
“Sumi, no. It’s nearly two in the morning. I can just –”
Seungmin stood up. “And you’re going to be miserable, getting up and down all night because let’s be real, our cheap toilet paper is not gonna cut it.” He stepped back and pressed on the pedal on the trash can. The lid popped open and he tossed the bloody tissue away.
The desteamer in the mirror had already kicked in after a thick fog had built up against the ceiling. The moisture in the air had helped cover the tear tracks on Hyeongjun’s sweet cheeks.
His bottom lip wobbled, but with how he was sucking on his cheeks, Seungmin could tell he was trying to stop it. Seungmin chuckled silently before he leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose.
“I think I bled on the sheets,” Hyeongjun confessed.
“Okay, I’ll throw them in the wash before I go.” He went to the sink and washed his hands. “I want you to keep your phone in here though, okay? In case you get dizzy.”
Hyeongjun nodded and reached out to grip Seungmin’s arm. Blood had dried along his cuticles, just underneath the chipped line of black polish. If he didn’t get in soon, the water would be cold and no longer comforting to his spasming muscles.
“Thank you,” he all but whispered. It was difficult to hear over the running water, but Seungmin smiled regardless.
“I love you. I’m going to take care of you, okay?” He leaned in and kissed the little do above his eye. “Now get in, I’ll be quick.”
Hyeongjun let go of his arm and stepped back. In the state he was in, it wasn’t likely he’d undress in front of Seungmin, which was fine. “Don’t forget to use hydrogen peroxide on the sheets if I did, you know.”
“Aye, aye, captain.” Seungmin walked out of the bathroom to let him carry on with his shower.
He turned on a few lights so he wasn’t stumbling through the dark as he made it up the stairs. Just like Hyeongjun had suspected, there was a decently blood splotch in the middle of his side of the bed. He threw the top blankets onto the floor before he yanked the fitted sheet off. It had soaked through to the mattress pad so he yanked that off as well.
The bottle of hydrogen peroxide was under the kitchen sink, which was right next to their washer. They might have very little space and stairs, but at least their apartment had a washing machine so they didn’t have to deal with a laundromat.
He gathered the bloody spots in the sink and squirted some of the hydrogen peroxide on them. They foamed and bubbled, red lifting from white like a magic eraser. He turned the sink and sprayed the runoff down the drain with the mental reminder to properly clean it later. The washing machine was barely big enough to hold both sets of sheets. He hoped that while he was gone it didn’t stall out.
He washed his hands and rinsed out his stale mouth before running back up stairs to grab their phones. But before heading back down, he grabbed a fresh pair of briefs and sweats. Their shower was open to the rest of the bathroom, but they had fastened a curtain rod for a shower curtain to help give a little bit of privacy on days Hyeongjun felt wrong in his skin. It also meant that Seungmin could leave his phone on top of his folded clothes on the toilet and not worry about them getting soaked.
“I’m heading out,” he said after leaving the small pile for his boyfriend. His eyes drifted to the bloody pair of underwear on the ground. It looked like a piece of evidence in a murder case, poor thing. He could have easily thrown it in with the sheets, but he knew Hyeongjun would insist on taking care of it himself when he was done.
“Be safe.” Hyeongjun sounded half awake.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
On his way to the door, Seungmin grabbed his keys and wallet, shoving them into his deep sweatpants pockets. He stepped into his shoes, the backs bending underneath his heels. He didn’t bother with socks, it was warm out and since Hyeongjun wasn’t there, he couldn't be scolded for going without. Even if it was warm, he slipped on a hoodie just out of sheer habit.
There was no one on the streets, which he expected, but it was still surreal to experience. In a way, it was somewhat nice. Maybe it was something they should do on occasion, just hold hands and walk the city when they didn't have to worry about the judging stares of strangers or the overcrowded sidewalks that made Hyeongjun tuck into Seungmin’s side. Sure, waking up would be hell, but once in a while it wouldn’t be bad.
The convenience store was only a few blocks away from their apartment so he managed to get to it relatively quickly. When he walked in, the clerk looked up from his phone, looking surprised that someone had come in that late. Not surprised enough to get him to move from behind the counter.
Seungmin slid into the personal hygiene aisle and quickly went straight to the menstrual products. He thought it was going to be an easy trip, but then, options were presented to him. Pads came in different sizes? Shapes? Why are some scented?! Tampons scared him, and seeing how overwhelmed Hyeongjun was, he doubted that shoving one inside was going to help him. But then again… pads didn’t seem comfortable either? Hyeongjun deserved to feel as comfortable as he could while his body was tearing itself apart.
He chewed on his lip as he pulled out his phone. He pulled up a new web browser amongst his twenty other random tabs and quickly typed in the search bar: my trans boyfriend needs period products.
Oh, he was far from ready to go down the period rabbit hole at 2am in a shitty convenience store. Washable? Cups? Discs? Fuck, he was not prepared.
“Hey, man, are you okay?”
Seungmin jumped when he turned to see that the clerk had actually stood up from his spot behind the counter and was looking at him with concern.
“Y-yeah,” he answered with a smile that was meant to be calming, but with the way the clerk didn’t respond and instead just sank back down, he doubted that it actually did. To lessen the risk of getting the cops called on him, he locked his phone and shoved it into his hoodie pocket. Then, he grabbed one pack of pads and one box of tampons off the shelf. He made a quick stop in the snack aisle and grabbed a few of Hyeongjun's favorite sweets before he went up to the counter.
The clerk put his phone down and stood up. He looked at all the products on the counter then back up to his face. “One of those nights, huh?”
“Yeah.” Seungmin checked his phone while the monotonous beep filled the store. He may be awake, but that didn’t mean he was up to small talk with a stranger who had been side-eyeing him.
“I don’t know how girls don’t plan this stuff better,” the clerk said. “They know when it comes every time, it shouldn’t be that hard.”
Seungmin froze. Some idiot wasn’t worth the fight. But as he stared at his phone wallpaper, he could feel the anger bubbling up like a pot with too much water. His pretty boyfriend, in his pretty lace skirt with his pretty long hair and his pretty doll face. The shy boy who only smiled when people misgendered him, because it was easier than explaining how he was a boy but still liked looking like a girl. There were always too many hills to die on, and Seungmin had bloodied his teeth by trying to bite into all of them when they had started dating. It was a habit he struggled to push down. Hyeongjun was worth it. Was worth every cut-tie and every black eye.
The last beep of the scanner signaled that he had taken too long to answer and his total flashed in an outdated, mechanical font on the little screen facing him. “Do you want a bag?”
“Yes.” The need to add a polite ‘please’ at the end almost got him.
He pulled up his payment app on his phone and held it over the reader. Once it chimed that the transaction was complete, he shoved his phone back in his pocket. The clerk had barely finished bagging everything before Seungmin snatched it off the counter. He didn’t wish him a good evening, or a thank you, didn’t wait for his receipt to be printed. Running out was doing the idiot clerk a favor.
With more determination in his step, his return trip home went much faster. When he walked in, he heard the shower still running, so after kicking his shoes off, he padded over to the bathroom. He knocked before opening the door. “I’m home.”
“Welcome back,” Hyeongjun said dryly. He pulled back the shower curtain to show he was sitting on the ground, his eyes heavy.
“You okay?” Seungmin smiled at him. He couldn’t help that his boyfriend looked cute when he was tired, even if the reasoning behind it wasn’t so great.
“Yeah. The water is lukewarm. I should get out.” His long hair already returned to its natural, wavy state. He had it tucked behind his ears.
“Why haven’t you?”
Hyeongjun’s lips pressed into a pout. “My legs feel fuzzy.”
“Can I help you out?” Seungmin was half-in, and half-out of the bathroom, ready for whatever he needed.
There was a long pause as Hyeongjun thought. His shoulders curled up toward his ears in discomfort, but he didn’t recoil. “Please.”
“One sec.” Seungmin fished the snacks out of the plastic bag and dumped them on the coffee table before. Then, he pulled his hoodie off, which knocked his phone out and almost onto his foot. He was a disaster waiting to happen.
The towels needed a wash as well. They were starting to smell stale, but it was probably for the best in case blood got on them. As far as he knew, they were still the same ones he stole when he moved out of his parents. They had flattened and thinned over the years, there were pink blotches left over from when Hyeongjun dyed his hair red. They were awful, but they would have to do. He tossed them over his shoulder before sliding past the shower curtain on the other side of the wall, turning the knob until the water shut off.
Hyeongjun was curled up in a little ball in the corner of the shower, a trickle of pink water making its way toward the drain over the white tiles. He looked at it with disdain.
“Scooch forward if you can.” Seungmin rolled his pants leg up over his knees before he knelt down on the wet ground.
Hyeongjun pulled his hands away from his chest and pressed his palms flat, gently pushing himself away from the wall. Seungmin wrapped one of the towels around him, which he quickly pulled tight over his shoulders. Then, he dropped the other towel on top of Hyeongjun’s head, gently squeezing the moisture out of his hair.
“Did you wash your face?” He used the corner of it to dab at Hyeongjun’s cheeks. They were rosy after sitting in the hot steam for so long.
“Yeah.”
“Good.” Seungmin took the towel to gently run it down his legs. He was careful not to move them too much before Hyeongjun was ready. “I didn’t know what to grab you, so I grabbed tampons and pads.”
“Thank you. Was it weird?” Hyeongjun’s big, round eyes had never been able to hide anything. He was looking for something to use in his emotional flagellation.
“Not at all.” He wasn’t going to tell him about wanting to throw hands with the store clerk. Maybe in a different time when Hyeongjun didn’t feel like a burden. “Ready to stand?”
Hyeongjun let out a long sigh but nodded. He pulled the towel around to the front, wrapping it tighter against his torso. The corners of his binding tape were starting to peel, blackened by the lint of his shirts. There was stubble in his underarms, which means he had shaved at some point to stop it from pulling. It would need replacing before the sensation of it drove Hyeongjun into overstimulation, but it was probably nothing more than a dull annoyance with everything else going on.
“On three. One, two –” He pulled Hyeongjun onto his unsteady feet, pulling him close immediately.
He stayed hunched over as he groaned in discomfort. One hand gripped the towel while the other found Seungmin’s shoulder, his fingers digging in like hawk talons.
Seungmin rubbed a hand up and down his back. “Cramping?”
“It’s in my spine.” Hyeongjun grit through his teeth. “Nevermind, it’s everywhere.”
“Take it slow, it’s okay.” Seungmin didn’t mind when Hyeongjun’s forehead pressed into his shoulder. His roots were incredibly overgrown and the red had started to fade into orange, but touching it up just hadn’t been a priority lately. Maybe once he was feeling better they could do a self-care day.
Hyeongjun took his time to breathe through the pain until the wave passed through him. He still couldn’t stand straight, but he was able to move enough to help Seungmin dress him. Like he suspected, a pad won over a tampon for the time being. It sounded like a diaper as he walked, but once it settled, it stopped being so obvious.
Seungmin sacrificed his shirt after Hyeongjun held his hands out for it, his sweet little lip pushed into an exaggerated pout. He didn’t need all the theatrics, Seungmin would say yes no matter what, but he appreciated the effort.
“C’mon, Quasimodo. Let’s get you back to bed.”
Hyeongjun smacked him in the stomach, the slap against his bare skin echoing in the bathroom. “Ha ha, very funny. I’ll squirt blood on you, don’t try me.”
“Sure, jagi.” Seungmin took him by the hands and led him out of the bathroom.
When Hyeongjun spotted the stairs, he groaned. “Can I just stay on the couch?”
“You sure? I can carry you up.”
“Are those the sheets that are still in the wash?” Hyeongjun indicated with a tilt of his head in the general direction of the washing machine.
“Yeah. But it’s fine.”
“That means when they’re done, I’ll have to move again. I'd rather just stay down here.” With his mind made up, he waddled his way over to the couch.
“Okay, I’ll grab the comforter at least. Want Kkito?” Seungmin helped lower him down, his face scrunching in discomfort with the new position.
“Please. And the hot water bottle?” Hyeongjun found his discarded hoodie on the couch and slipped that on as well.
“Deal.” Before he left, Seungmin helped arrange the pillows behind his back to help support him. Hyeongjun was always a bit better at nesting than him, but he tried his best. His first stop was the sink, flicking on the faucet with hopes that there was some hot water left to fill the bottle with.
While the water warmed up, he took the stairs two at a time so he didn’t waste any time. He gathered what he needed before trotting back down. The blankets were dumped at the edge of the couch, but Hyeongjun’s precious stuffed rabbit was placed gently into his hands before he ran to grab the bottle.
The water was warm, but it was trying to get there. He gave it another minute before he felt it was warm enough then filled the bottle. So Hyeongjun didn’t burn himself, he grabbed a dish towel and wrapped it around the bottle before carrying it over.
Hyeongjun lifted his hoodie so Seungmin could lay the bottle over his swollen belly.
“Feel okay?”
A soft hum came from Hyeongjun as he nodded. “Thank you.”
After he got him a glass of water and some painkillers, he got Hyeongjun tucked in under the blankets, nice and snug. He was afraid he was going to overheat with the hot water bottle and the hoodie. But he looked at peace for the first time since they had woken up.
“What else do you need?” He brushed back Hyeongjun’s hair. It was still damp so he was careful to not get caught on any of the tangles.
“Lay with me?” Their couch was hardly big enough, but that hadn’t stopped them before.
Seungmin crawled over him, then under the blankets. He pulled Hyeongjun’s legs over his lap and stretched his own out until his heels were resting on the coffee table. Hyeongjun’s ankles were jagged and sharp, but fit perfectly in his palm. He dug his thumb into the tendon and smiled when he heard a pleasured groan out of his boyfriend.
“Don’t make those noises, you know what they do to me,” he teased.
“I’m a vampire buffet right now, don’t even think about it.” Hyeongjun poked him in the ribs with his other foot.
Seungmin yelped and tried to not pull away so he didn’t jostle him. He caught his leg and pulled it back down into his lap gently. The hair running up his shin tickled his palm as he ran it back down to his ankle. Hyeongjun relaxed back into the cushions with the soothing encouragement. His body still felt tense, like it didn’t trust the painkillers to do their job and stop the next onslaught of pain.
“Remember to breathe, bun.”
Hyeongjun pushed the exaggerated exhale out between his teeth, but even if it was for dramatics, his shoulders relaxed a little. He pulled Kkito onto his chest and rubbed the tips of his ears between his fingers. The green fabric had been worn away from years of the calming habit. He joked that if holes ever formed, he’d give Kkito earrings.
Several waves of cramps came and went. Hyeongjun panted and whimpered through them. He drew his knees up, then stretched out, then scrunched up again. At one point, he grabbed Seungmin’s hand hard enough he thought he was going to snap it in half.
When the last one didn’t have a follow up, Hyeongjun loosened his hold and fell into a stiff silence. At first, it looked like he was going to fall asleep. There was a permanent crease pressed into the skin between his brows but his breathing had evened out. His eyes had remained closed since the last bout of cramps, then, they fluttered open, blinking a few stray tears away from his dark lashes. He stretched out his jaw, shifting it back and forth until the tension released. With a sigh, his head dropped back.
“I hoped the IUD would have worked by now…” He stared up at the ceiling, eyes blank except for the yellow halo from the light across the room.
“They said it would take a bit to settle.” Seungmin’s hand trailed up to his knee.
“But it had settled. It’s almost been a year. Why now?” Hyeongjun huffed.
“Want to call the doctor in the morning?”
“No,” he said, indignantly. Doctors loved to treat him like a dragonfly pinned to canvas, loved to marvel at his phantasmagoria body and fantasize what to do with it. When someone was rebuilding themselves, the possibilities were endless. But endless possibilities came with jealousy and resentment. For what could be, for what was, for what shouldn’t be. Hyeongjun was tired of being told how making his body inhabitable was wrong.
It would have been simpler to split him open and let the vultures pick at the parts he hated about himself, to be done away with all of it for good. Seungmin would eat them, if Hyeongjun would let him, but he won’t. Because he believes Seungmin is good and he is not. Seungmin is whole and he’s held together by super glue and the last prayer his mother ever said for him.
He didn’t ask for any of it, but Seungmin loved him anyway.
“Hopefully it doesn’t last long. But no matter how long it lasts, I’ll be at your beck and call.” Seungmin reached for his hand and pulled it out from under the blankets so he could press a kiss to his knuckles.
Hyeongjun rolled his head so he could smile at him. “You have work the day after tomorrow.”
“Capitalism is ruining my gay romance once again.” Seungmin snapped his fingers and tsked. “But I really don’t mind if I need to take off.” It wasn’t the logical thing to do. They lived paycheck to paycheck, and anything they had left over went into savings. But one day wouldn’t leave them destitute. Still, the anxiety was something that seldom left them alone.
“I just…” Hyeongjun let out a long exhale, releasing the pressure that had built up over the past few hours. His eye twitched, signaling a cramp decided to hit right as he started to speak. Seungmin squeezed his hand to silently tell him he could take all the time he needed.
“I just let myself hope this part of my life was over. I thought it would be worth it.”
Seungmin had thankfully gone with him when he went to get the contraceptive device inserted despite Hyeongjun insisting he would be fine on his own. The pain alone left him throwing up in the private room for a good twenty minutes after, then, was so dizzy and shaky that he could hardly stand up. They had to dip into their grocery fund in order to afford the cab back home, but it was better than taking the train or bus back home.
“Do we want to talk about saving up for a surgery…?”
“No… Yes. But not now… I might cry.”
Seungmin rubbed his knee. “That’s okay, when you’re ready we can.” He was in fix it mode, but that wasn’t what was needed. Hyeongjun wasn’t something that needed fixing. If he chose to stay just the way he was, he’d still be perfect. But he wanted him to be happy. Since day one, that’s all Seungmin has wanted.
They met under a heavy rain while waiting at a bus stop. Hyeongjun was dressed in all black with his face tilted up toward the grey sky. Seungmin had wanted to know if his chilled lips tasted like salt and petrichor. Sadness looked beautiful on him.
“I buried a friend today,” he had told him. “One that I shouldn’t have had to.”
No matter how beautiful, he never wanted to see that look on his face again. Yet, here they were.
“You still love me, right?”
Seungmin looked up at him, a confused knot between his brows. “Of course I do. You’ve had periods before, so it’s not a shock or anything.”
“I know but…”
“No buts.” Seungmin rolled under his legs so he could face him better. “Sure, your body is stubborn, but so are you.”
“I thought you said no buts.” Hyeongjun smiled. His teasing was a small sign he was feeling better, but it wasn’t uncommon for him to deflect.
“I’m serious,” Seungmin said with a new sternness. Too much and it would make Hyeongjun cry, so he had to make sure he didn’t lay it on thick. “I know it’s frustrating and exhausting. However, I know that you’re not gonna let it stop you. And even if this happens every month for the rest of our lives, it’s not gonna make me stop loving you.”
“What did I say about making me cry, huh?” Hyeongjun threw his head back and covered his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie.
“Crying releases endorphins, it’s good for you.” Seungmin smiled at him.
“It gives me a headache.”
“Lots of things give you headaches. You sit like a banana.”
“Don’t tease me, I’m dying. What kind of nurse are you?”
“Can’t you tell I’m off duty? I don’t have my nurse's outfit on.”
“I forgot you had that,” Hyeongjun snorted.
“Still the hottest Silent Hill nurse ‘til this day,” Seungmin said with authority.
Hyeongjun chuckled. His eyes had started to droop. The painkillers looked like they had kicked in and relief was slowly making its way through his body. The pillow under his head had darkened from the moisture in his hair. He should have dried it better, but Hyeongjun’s hair routine was very particular and he knew he didn’t have the energy to sit through it.
“You should sleep.”
“So should you,” Hyeongjun mumbled.
“I will once you do.”
Hyeongjun was fighting it, determined to make sure that Seungmin would fall asleep like he said he would.
Seungmin leaned forward, doing his best to not fold Hyeongjun in half. He pressed a kiss to his cheek and whispered, “I love you.”
It worked like a charm.
Hyeongjun slurred his words, but Seungmin knew he meant that he loved him too. He settled into the other corner of the couch, his hands resting above the blankets over Hyeongjun’s legs. His little twitches were proof that sleep had managed to grab hold of him, but Seungmin forced his eyes to stay open for a little longer just to watch him.
The washing machine had finished, the bathroom and kitchen needed to be cleaned; but it was four in the morning and there was a beautiful boy half-way in his lap, breathing softly through parted lips.
It was four in the morning, and Seungmin was in love.