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-Tell me something, you keep saying we're gonna trap this guy, but isn't that kinda like trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net? Dean asked.
-No, it's harder. Castiel answered sensing how impossible his mission was.
-Do we have any chance of surviving this?
-You do. Cas said trying to sound encouraging.
-So, odds are you're a dead man tomorrow? Dean checked.
-Yes.
-Wow. Well, last night on earth. What, uh, what are your plans?
-I just thought I'd sit here quietly. Castiel answered seeming surprised that Dean had other options.
-Dude, come on. Anything? Hm? Booze? Women?
Castiel glanced at him and turned his head uncomfortably away.
-You have been with a women before? Right? Or an angel, at least?
Castiel looked away and rubbed the back of his neck embarrased.
-You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud seeding?
-Look, I've never had occasion, okay? Cas answered trying not to sound like an idiot.
-All right. Let me tell you something. There are two things that I know for certain, one: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: you are not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch. Let's go.
Castiel looked up to Dean. Dean grabbed his jacket and headed upstairs. Castiel looked bit uncertain and followed him. Dean walked upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Castiel stood on the door way. Dean told him to come in. Castiel stepped over the doorstep. Dean grabbed him by the shoulders and awkwardly made him stand next to the bed. Castiel looked around with his 'serious-face' on.
-Is this..?
Dean scratched the back of his neck and blushed.
-Absolutely.
-We...?
-Well guessed, angel boy. I'm blushing. Son of a bitch. I feel like a school girl.
Castiel pierced Dean with his eyes.
-Why are you blushing?
Dean took a step closer and their noses touched. Castiel tilted his head and bit his lower lip.
-Why?
-Son of a bitch. Please. Take what you're offered and don't question it. Dean demanded.
-Why wouldn't I?
-'Cause you're making me feel fucking awkward, desperate and needy, okay?
Slight grin flashed in Castiel's eyes.
-Okay.
Dean took Castiel's trench coat off, folded it carefully and laid it on a chair in the corner of the room. Then he moved to the suit jacket. He undressed it trying to avoid giving the impression that he was nervous. He started to loosen the tie that was already hanging loose. He stared at the tie intensely as if it was about to run away.
Cas put his hand on Dean's, who was still fiddling with the tie knot. Castiel stared in his eyes. Dean was unsure if he was really able to see right through his eyes. Able to see what was going on behind them. How he was filled with a great mess of emotions, fear, anxiety and joy. Only way Dean would have described himself on the moment was freaking confused.
Castiel caressed his cheeck. He closed his eyes and sighed. Castiel removed his plaid shirt and moved to his t-shirt. As he was trying to be smooth and gentle, the t-shirt got stuck and Dean needed to help him. Soon he was free.
-Lack of practise. Cas remarked.
-You're an angel. In the beginning I thought you guys were perfect. Dean smirked and started opening Cas' shirt's buttons.
-Many people make that mistake.
Dean looked Cas analysing him from head to the toe. The angel really was beautiful. He wondered why was it, that angels and demons possessed only beautiful people. He had never seen an ugly creature from the afterlife. He wasn't complaining, though.
-What does Jimmy think?
Cas tilted his head again looking Dean with the serious 'I didn't get that reference'-face.
-Jimmy. Novak. The guy you're riding. Dean specified the question.
Castiel's eyebrows rose and he nodded.
-He wont remember a thing. Angels are a bit more talented at possessing than the demons are.
Dean sled his hand down Cas' chest.
-What if that's against his morals?
-Murdering people for being evil is probably against his views, and still he lets me possess him. He trusts that I know what's right and what's wrong.
-Do you?
-Do I?
Dean sighed and looked into the angel's eyes. He opened Castiel's trousers and removed his own. He slowly moved his hands across the other man's naked body and smelled his hair. He bit Cas' earlobe gently and crawled to the bed. Cas sat down on the bedside looking Dean. He was aesthetically pleased by what he saw. He looked in Dean's green eyes. Dean sat there wearing only a sheet. He leaned closer to Cas and took a firm grip of the back of his neck to pull him into a kiss. He began curiously but got more confident along the way. He was immensely surprised how intensely Cas answered to the kiss.
Cas mumbled something in a weird language Dean couldn't identify. He didn't mind. It was Castiel, so it was probably something beautiful. Well. If not beautiful, divine at least. Castiel got in the bed. He held Dean close and fondled him.
It felt weird. Dean felt naked. Lost. Usually he felt that way only when he was alone in fear. It was easy to strip down. It was easy for Dean to be physically naked. What he feared was being mentally naked. Even if it was in front of his own personal angel. He had never been so exposed in front of anyone. The closest had been when Sam had seen glimpses of his dreams while they were hunting monsters. But he had never willingly taken his barriers down. It scared the shit out of him.
He felt Castiel all around him. He was so vulnerable. He was carved out of hard wood, but it didn't change the fact that the world had tried to crush him in shatters.
Inside he was small, helpless and broken. He was afraid to let anyone in. Ever. For some strange reason he had faith in Cas. He didn't believe that Cas would try to break his heart on purpose. They hadn't known for long, but Castiel was different. Castiel had raised him from Hell. Literally.
Castiel sat on his lap as he began to look uncomfortable.
-What is it? Cas asked worried.
-I.. I can't.
Cas rised his other eyebrow surprised, not exactly certain of what he had just heard.
-I know. But.. I. Don't feel like I want to. I mean... I want to. But I don't. Forgive me. Dean felt ashamed and guilty.
Cas looked down and pulled Dean softly closer to himself.
-It's all okay. I'll just go and..
-Don't.
-Hmh?
-I don't want you to go. Stay here with me. Dean asked with tender voice almost breaking.
Cas looked into his eyes and answered the look. The man looked so vulnerable, that if Cas wouldn't have known better he wouldn't have believed it. Dean caressed his cheeck and Cas rolled next to him.
-Mind giving me some of that blanket? Cas asked.
-No. Of course not. Dean rolled Cas inside the blanket with himself. They were a big angel/hunter filled burrito.
Cas laid on Dean's chest and stared emptily one spot in the opposite wall. Dean fiddled with his hair. They were both silent and listening each other's breathing. It felt good to be so close to someone. In a way it was much more honest that just having a quick fuck and returning to work. They were closer than that. Probably it wasn't even about the sex. Dean wanted it, but he didn't need it to feel intimate with him. It was scary in away. Dean hadn't ever felt like that with anyone before.
-Do you ever sleep? Dean asked drowsily. He tried not to fall asleep, because he was afraid that as soon as he slept Cas would go away.
-No.
-Gosh, I need some sleep. If I rest my eyes just for a minute, will you promise that you're not going anywhere?
-I'll wait here.
-Thank you. Dean snuggled closer to Cas and felt his warm body. He enjoyed the way Cas smelled. Fresh and soft, something he couldn't quite put his finger on.
Dean fell asleep quickly. For the first couple of hours he had no dreams. In the beginning of third hour he was finally dreaming. He sat in a little wooden boat in the middle of a foggy lake. Sun was rising in the horizon. His breath steamed. He felt cold. Cold and alone. The sight was beautiful, but somehow empty.
He found a life vest from the bottom of the boat. He put it down and laid down using it as a pillow. He closed the leatherjacket and pulled sleeves over his fists. He tried to relax. He slowly inhaled and everytime he breathed out he watched how the steam took beautiful forms in the air before it was gone. The air was fresh. It was cold in his nose. He could hear how the water waved calmly against the sides of the boat. He could hear a bird singing somewhere far away. He closed his eyes and tried to enjoy despite being cold.
He heard a flap of wings. A lost bird probably. He opened his eyes. Castiel sat beside him in the small boat. Cas didn't say a thing. He gazed around. Then he looked Dean piercingly.
-You are cold. He took off his trenchcoat and covered Dean with it.
-Thank you. Dean mumbled awkwardly. - Don't you get cold? He asked with conserned voice.
-The change of temperatures doesn't bother me the way it bothers humans.
Dean studied his calm and serious face. Cas wasn't bothered by the staring the way people were. He just looked calmly back. He didn't even blink an eye. They looked at each other for a long time, trying to memorise every last detail of each other's appearence. Like it was their last moment together in this world. The wind played with Castiel's short dark hair and the first soft beams of the sun painted Castiel's outlines and made him look like he was golden.
Cas laid his hand on Dean's chest. Dean felt good. He wasn't cold anymore. He closed his eyes and just breathed the moment in. He didn't want to let go. He didn't want to wake up. He wanted to stay in this moment eternally. If he could have stayed in that moment forever, he wouldn't have given a crap for the apocalypse. He had given everything he had for the good of other people since the beginning of time. He wanted to be selfish and stay in a world far away, where there existed no such thing as pain.
No one had ever came to take care of him. He felt safe when the angel was watching over him. His entire life he had only seen dreams of something like that. Ever since he was a lost little boy trying to sleep in a seedy motel room, he had dreamed of that. His mother had told that angels were looking over him, but it had never been especially concrete. It didn't make him feel better when Sam was away and he was alone. It didn't take away the pain.
Dean would have done almost anything to get rid of the pain, to live a normal life. Well. Something as close as he could get to a normal life; loving an angel and hunting down little basic things like ghosts and vampires with his brother.
The silence broke.
-Could you... Dean whispered tentatively.
-Hmmh?
-Nothing.
-Tell me. Cas asked tenderly with warmth in his deep low voice.
-Could you... sing? For me? Dean asked fearing the angel's refusal.
Castiel knitted his eyebrows, and slowly he began to quietly hum a tranquil melody. It was a slow lullaby-like song. After some time Cas had fully memorized the melody and he started singing the lyrics softly. It was in the weird angel-language Dean did not understand. It was the single most beautiful thing Dean had ever heard.
The time had stopped. Castiel was there, and he felt good and safe. He felt better than he had ever felt. He felt forgiven. Everything was utterly and completely forgiven.
In the bottom of the little boat rising sun glinted from a teardrop streaming down the corner of Dean's eye. Castiel noticed it but he carried on singing The Song Of The Old for the broken little man.
He would just have wanted to take all the pain away. If he could have done that he would have. He felt bad for not being able to help. He could fix broken bodies and bring dead back to life with a snap of fingers, but he couldn't ease the pain within his lover.
Slowly the sun finally began to rise and the horizon was painted with peach and pink. The shadows were deep blues and purples on greyish bushes around the lake. The lake mirrored the sky. Fog was heavily hanging on the surface of the water.
Cas felt a light cool breeze on his face. Dean wasn't a sleep in his dream. He was close to it, but not quite. As the moments passed and the fog started to clear up Dean fell asleep.
When Cas was finally sure that Dean was fast asleep he softly and quietly whispered to the wind:
- I love you.