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Batman's voice came over the comms. "In position." It was an order, not a question.
"Ready," responded Batgirl.
"In position," Spoiler smiled.
"Remember, Bane is smuggling a mind control device. Don’t let him speak. GO!"
They burst into the warehouse. Three goons moved to intercept Stephanie, seven intercepted Cassandra, and Bruce quickly dispatched three before Bane moved in.
A wild haymaker—"You fell for my TRAP, BATMAN!!"—sent Batman flying.
"I'm going to stop you, Bane." Batman swung a fist at Bane's head. Bane caught it easily and twisted, forcing Batman to his knees.
Spoiler dispatched her three goons quickly and efficiently—one hit each. She ran to help Batman against the hulking form of Bane.
Bane pivoted, turned, and with a brutal side kick launched Spoiler across the warehouse into a crate with an echoing thud.
"Wait! Time out! Wait!" Bane suddenly shouted as he dodged a flurry of blows from Batman. He picked Batman up by the neck and shouted again, "Wait!"
"Spoiler," his voice laced with concern, "I did not mean to hit you that hard. Are you okay?"
Stephanie rolled to her feet, extracting herself from the shattered shipping crate as she limbered back up. "I'm fine. Good hit though. Have you been working out?"
"I have a new gym membership. Spoiler, your face is pale and sweaty. Your hands are SHAKING." He looked at her with genuine concern, still holding Batman aloft.
"Yeah, sorry. Skipped dinner for this. Low blood sugar. I’ll be fine," she confessed.
Bane gasped in surprise. "You skipped a meal to fight crime? What are you teaching your protégés, Mr. Wayne? That is wildly irresponsible!"
Batman blinked down at the hulking form of Bane.
"Gerimiah!" Bane shouted. One goon rose to his feet. "Fetch Spoiler a snack—some of the good granola bars. Almonds, sea salt, and CHOCOLATE CHIPS! Unless... are you allergic to tree nuts?"
"No, nuts are fine. Trailmix is my go-to snack for my hypoglycemia."
"BATMAN! You will rue the day that you did not ensure a safe working environment for your GOONS!" Bane declared dramatically, Batman still dangling in the air, gasping.
"Goon?" Stephanie asked incredulously. "Do I look like a goon to you?"
"Well, you work for a criminal, committing crimes, and you are his underling," Bane corrected.
"Excuse me? I am not a criminal." Stephanie retorted with an indignant glare.
"ASSAULT IS A CRIME, AS IS BREAKING AND ENTERING! GOOD INTENTIONS BE DAMNED!" Bane bellowed, wildly swinging Batman around.
He turned toward her, solemn. "You are not a goon. That was unfair."
He placed a hand over his heart. "You are clearly a journeyman henchperson, perhaps even on the cusp of master."
"Thanks, I think. Batgirl, was that a compliment?" Stephanie asked, shooting the question to where Cassandra had paused mid-punch to stare at Bane.
"Yes," she confirmed.
"I have been meaning to talk to you about this," Bane grinned, letting Batman go. Batman gasped for air, coughing on the floor. Bane took a seat on a crate. "Has anyone ever talked to you about organized labor?"
"You mean like a union? The goons of Gotham have a union?"
"Yes!" Bane gestured wildly. "Goonion Local 073. You could technically join, you know. Sidekicks easily meet the membership criteria. We have dental!"
"The goon union has dental?" she said incredulously.
"Of course we do. Batman likes to punch faces—lost teeth are an occupational hazard," he said understandingly.
"Goons are considered unskilled laborers at first, so they only get basic dental and vision. But once they become an apprentice henchperson, they get the full benefits package."
Bane touched his chin thoughtfully. "Though I assume Mr. Wayne offers a pretty good pay and benefits package."
Stephanie stared at him like he had grown a second head. "I don’t get paid or benefits. Unless a billionaire attempting to adopt you counts."
"Don't listen to him, Spoiler! He is trying to brainwash you!" Batman grasped while attempting to catch his breath, as Bane remembered he was there.
"Minions! Remove Mr. Wayne from the room! These are sensitive topics to discuss without management’s undue influence."
Stephanie took a bite of the granola bar that had been sitting in her hand for an absurd amount of time. "I'm confused."
"That would probably be the hypoglycemia," Bane offered, as Cass came over and sat next to Stephanie.
"Do not listen to them!" Batman yelled as he was dragged from the room.
"Of course you would oppose union activity, Mr. Wayne. Be part of the solution. The Goonion has helped lift as many Gothamites out of poverty as Wayne Enterprises!" Bane shot back.
"Now, Stephanie, can I call you Stephanie?" Bane asked her gently.
"You know my name?" she said incredulously.
"My apologies. You might be unaware that your civilian identity was spoiled years ago," Bane laughed, gesturing toward the granola bar. "Eat. We have more in the break room." Banes's face turned sour as he glared at one of the goons who had just returned from removing Bruce. "—if TYLER didn’t eat them all. I SAW YOU STEALING JANICE’S LUNCH! IT WILL BE AVENGED VIA THE FORMAL GRIEVANCE PROCESS!"
"Back to business," he grinned. "Now, I wanted to thank you, Stephanie. See, we have a generous parental leave policy because of what happened to you."
"What?" she said, suddenly confused.
"Mr. Wayne had you on patrols long past what we in the goon community thought was acceptable." Bane nodded sagely at his own words, "We offer paid leave at five months, and reduced hours and light duty for up to three years. We call it the Spoiler Package! How old is your little tyke now?"
"I put her up for adoption," Steph admitted, slightly stunned, as Cass held Steph’s hand tightly.
"Ah... well, THIS IS AWKWARD. BUT! If you have any future family planning goals, Goonion membership includes assistance with adoption services for couples like the two of you," he said, gesturing toward their intertwined fingers. "We are an LGBTQIA+ inclusive ORGANIZATION!"
"We are not a couple." Steph looked at him, dumbfounded. "are we?" Steph whispered to Cass.
"That is not what RICHARDS GRAYSON!! told me," Bane grumbled.
Cass smiled lovingly at Steph before responding with a dejected "Single."
"Damnit, Bane," he grumbled to himself fiercely before redoubling,"You were doing so well."
He refocused on the two of them. "You should read the pamphlet. You only need three-quarters of your team to sign on to get recognition. And if you sign on, that is it. We already have Jason Todd, Timothy Drake, and RICHARDS GRAYSON!!"
"And for you, Cassandra! We have excellent continuing education options. We even pay you to go to classes at Gotham Community College!"
"You two should really consider joining! We have an OSHA workshop every first Saturday. Even CRIMINALS fear the mighty OSHA!"
"So," Steph ventured, "we should talk about the mind control device."
"OH. That was a lie. To get you two here. It was RICHARDS GRAYSON'S idea!" Bane declared.
"You know he prefers Dick, right?" Steph added while Cass nodded sagely beside her.
"I do not need to know RICHARDS GRAYSON's sexual preferences," Bane corrected. "It is highly inappropriate to out your coworkers like that."