Archive of Our Own ^beta

Believing in fate does not change the course of life in any way. Free will only serves to provide comfort to those who wish to be masters of their own actions. Ultimately, there is no way to be sure if your choices are your own or if they were already written in the stars.

There is no harm in trying, even if your fate is already sealed.

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Seonghwa had an incredibly happy childhood. Moving to Jinju offered a peaceful yet resourceful lifestyle, making sure the Park family could provide for both their boys with proper education and unyielding care.

No parent would claim to love one son more than the other, but this mother and her youngest son shared a special bond. Fulfilling the role of the youngest child, Seonghwa was a big crybaby who demanded a lot of attention. He grew to be a bit mischievous, but always very affectionate and polite. 

“You make me feel like I have a daughter. Thank you so much, Seonghwa.” His mom said during a shopping trip. It made him so happy. Maybe he was too young to understand his own feelings, but Seonghwa considered himself one of a kind. 

Seonghwa held his mom’s hand a bit tighter and smiled ear to ear until they were home. The hands swinging together showed the small child she was someone he could trust for his whole life.

At home, Seonghwa swung his new sword and posed for pictures, while being praised for being ‘so cool’. The long corridor rug became his runway, and Seonghwa danced around with the clothes she just bought him, rocking them, showing off confidence and style.

A little later, his brother and his dad got home from renting Phantom Menace, and the whole family gathered around to watch the latest Star Wars movie. 

Critics weren’t thrilled about it, but apparently, kids were loving the epic race scene. Good enough for movie night at the Park household.

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Teenage years can be quite challenging, even for good-looking people. 

Seonghwa became quite handsome and tall, and combined with his warm personality, made him even more appealing. Someone already very beloved has become even more popular. His mother had his head on his lap, and she slowly combed his bangs with her delicate fingers. “You are so handsome.” Her smile was reassuring and kind. “No one holds a candle to your beauty. Don’t tell your brother I said that.”

It was during an uneventful day that Seonghwa was approached in front of the school gates.

“Excuse me.” It was a well-dressed, sharp-looking man. He extended Seonghwa a business card. “I’m from a modeling agency, and we think you fit our standards. If you’re interested, give us a call.”

He picked up the card and thanked the man. Seonghwa always loved fashion, but modeling still seemed far-fetched for someone like him.

After talking to his parents, they decided to call back and schedule a meeting. Accompanied by his ever-supportive mother, Seonghwa discovered a fascinating world at the agency, a new reality that previously seemed so distant from him. He wanted to do this.

The tests went well, and the recruiters were ecstatic with the results. Even inexperienced, Seonghwa demonstrated raw talent. However, to become a runway model, one basic requirement was still uncertain: height.

“You are pretty tall for your age, but it’s not enough for now. Why don’t you schedule a check-up with our suggested physician to see how much you are still able to grow?”

They say men grow until they are twenty-one. Seonghwa wasn’t worrying much. For someone who grew so well in such a short amount of time, he certainly could manage a few more, right?

“I’m sorry.” The doctor said, but didn’t make the effort to keep eye contact. “It seems you’ve hit the ceiling for growth. Maybe a centimeter a year could happen, but it’s unlikely to surpass more than five.”

The first bucket of cold water of many to come.

The way home was silent, but his mother was reassuring as always. “If it’s meant to be, it will happen. We did our part, now let’s leave it to fate.”

Somehow, the agency was already aware of the exam results and called the next day reminding them that Seonghwa could be a very successful catalog or even editorial model, that the runway was just one of the options. His mom told them Seonghwa needed some time to think.

They never called the agency again.

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Being part of the dance team was fun. Despite not having any formal training, Seonghwa became a crucial member of the Dilettante and even had his own little fan club. He felt good while dancing and rapping in his free time. High School truly started with a bang.

He didn’t consider becoming an idol at all. The proposition was unexpected, but it was as if he had finally found a new purpose. “Just send an audition tape to this email and we’ll get back to you,” the recruiter said after the festival performance.

The first time he was rejected was a bit of a shock, considering Seonghwa was personally recruited. Why bother him at all if they didn’t feel he was good enough? Still, the seed had been planted, and it was only his first step.

The second rejection was upsetting, but it was part of the process.

The third one finally felt like another bucket to his head. ‘You are good, but not in the age range we’re looking for trainees. Sorry.’ To rub salt in the wound, the following rejections were also along these same lines.

Even his supportive parents were now in doubt. Is there really a career here to follow? They’ve seen so many teens ruin their lives chasing fame, ending up starved and abused. 

“Next winter break, let’s go to Seoul.” His mom blurted out one night. “I’ve heard about these cram schools for idols, academies to help kids become trainees. And then we’ll see how it goes.”

For a few weeks, life went on with no significant developments. Seonghwa studied for college entrance exams, participated in his club activities, and, once in a while, sent another tape.

When winter break came along, Seonghwa and his mom packed and left Jinju before the first ray of light even hit. There has to be a decent place where he is accepted and his potential can be fully developed.

Apparently, every kid in the country had the same idea, because academy after academy were full, with no more spots for signing up.

At the end of the day, they decided to try one last place. Rhythm Company had good reviews, but nothing out of the ordinary. No big star had trained there, as far as they knew.

It was also full. 

“We came all the way from Jinju, if you accept him, he’ll be here only on weekends. Is a spot really impossible?” His mom pleaded.

Hearing this, the director felt sorry and invited them to talk over some coffee. He seemed interested in Seonghwa and said some encouraging words. “Do not give up. Unfortunately, we cannot take on another full time student, but feel free to use our facilities on the weekends. Whenever you are in Seoul, come over to practice.”

And that Seonghwa did. For a few months, he would commute for hours just to spend the weekend practicing at the facility. With time, the exhaustion of this busy lifestyle started to affect him deeply, wearing him down. But when more rejections lined up, he felt it was time to let it go.

Seonghwa was good, but not good enough. He could dance and rap, but it wasn’t anything extraordinary, not remarkable enough to leave his mark in the idol industry. 

“Director, do you have a minute?” Seonghwa quietly asked outside his door. “Come on in.”

The door was closed with care, the noise almost imperceptible were it not for the clicking sound of the latch. Seonghwa felt like it was a metaphor for his own heart.

After a deep breath, he gathered all the courage needed to overcome the shame of giving up. Truth to be told, it could very well be the shame of having tried so far, but it was pointless to dwell on it now. 

“I’m quitting.” There was no way he could look directly into his eyes. Seonghwa had his head down, embarrassed and heartbroken. He was letting down the few people who believed in him. “I’ll probably enroll with an arts program, there are still lots of similar careers to follow. It seems I realized being an idol was my dream a little too late.”

The director was silent for a few seconds, considering his words. “It would be a shame, truly. Just this one time, let me try to change your mind.”

Seonghwa nodded, trying to prevent the hopeful feeling from settling any further.

“There was a boy who trained from the moment we opened until we closed. He worked extremely hard to make up for his shortcomings. Musically wise, he had an incredible set of skills, but he was not idol material at all. So he made sure to improve every single weak point he had, never giving up. One day, a company called him. A small one, but it seems they are set to debut a new boy group in the future.”

“And then you showed up here. Everything is a cycle. Some might have an easier way in, be it by luck, by looks, or by raw skills. But let me tell you this: hard work will also take you there. Your training won’t deceive you, it just might take a little longer. Don’t give up, I believe in you. What do you say?”

If he tried to speak, he would certainly cry. His eyes were so wet and his nose was runny, but for the first time in weeks, Seonghwa was looking forward to practicing more. How could he give up so easily when he was still at school? He decided at that moment that he was going to be just like that boy. Next school break coming up, he’ll be here every day for every minute, first to arrive and last to leave.

An opportunity will surely present itself. And when it does, Seonghwa will be ready.

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Easier said than done. 

The insecurity was crawling inside him. His eyes scared him, so he grew his bangs and avoided mirrors.

Seonghwa felt ugly. He knew, objectively, he was handsome. Everyone told him so. Yet he could not help these nasty thoughts spreading throughout his system.

Nevertheless, the grind was very real, because when Seonghwa was working his bones off, his mind was clear, focused, unbothered by the numerous times he was called too old to debut. 

It certainly wouldn’t help keeping in mind he wasn’t even a trainee yet.

But that boy did it. He trained harder than everyone and was finally accepted.

In his free time, Seonghwa put his worries into his journal, finishing every entry with an optimistic remark. 

It will get better

My teammates are going to be my best friends

I’m becoming a trainee soon

That night, he chose to believe a company would call him this week. 

Seonghwa knew he couldn't win the lottery if he didn't buy a ticket. So he made sure to try for the companies that had auditions open, even trying his hand at singing, because, apparently, there were enough rappers out there. 

No return calls that day.

No return calls the day after.

A single call on the third day. Call it whatever you want, luck, training, God, laws of attraction, or fate, it didn’t matter to him. Park Seonghwa was now a KQ Entertainment trainee.

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At first, there were four. 

The recruiter who called Seonghwa that day met him outside the convenience store for his first day as a KQ trainee. Going upstairs, they talked about the company and the employees, how small they were, in contrast to their big ambitions, the classic hero’s journey.

A few introductions, some showing around, and the recruiter stopped in front of a door where youthful voices could be heard coming from inside. “These are going to be your friends for a while, hopefully for many years.”

Seonghwa gulped and nodded. When the door opened, he saw four boys. “Hi guys, our new trainee is here! Seonghwa, meet Yunho, Mingi, San, and last, but not least, Hongjoong.” He heard a few ‘hellos’ while he bowed. “Of course, in order, dance, rap, vocals, and rap again.”

Ah. So that’s why they didn’t need any rappers. 

“I guess this is it. Any questions, just stop by my cubicle.” The recruiter turned to the trainees again and said one last thing before he left. “Seonghwa is the oldest. Treat your hyung well.”

The door closed, and suddenly Seonghwa felt very self-conscious. To be the oldest was a lot of responsibility and he didn’t want another burden weighing him down.

“If you’re older than Hongjoong-hyung, how old are you, hyung?” The cute one, San, asked. 

“Ah, I was born in 1998.” It was awkward saying his age out loud. He dreaded hearing that he was too old to debut once again.

They all reacted somewhat disappointed, except for Hongjoong, who cackled a bit too loudly. “Same year! No need to call Seonghwa hyung!” Hongjoong seemed delighted with the information. “Which month? November for me.”

“April. It’s okay, I’m not too prickly with formalities.” The mood lightened significantly, at least in Seonghwa’s eyes. They seemed nice and fun.

Thankfully, they didn’t seem particularly disappointed by his age, but by the fact that Hongjoong wouldn’t have to call him hyung. Well, that was a first.

After talking casually for a bit, Seonghwa started to understand a bit of their dynamics. Mingi, who was somewhat intense, seemed very close with Yunho, the kindest of the group so far. San was shy and extremely cute, like an innocent kitty trying to go outside the box.

Hongjoong was… different. He had a leadership aura. Being the first meant he taught every other trainee everything they knew so far. Hongjoong was a charismatic presence backed up with talent and hard work. Rapping, singing, dancing, arranging, composing lyrics and melodies. 

Ah, so there is someone like this even in a smaller company. 

It made Seonghwa a little ashamed of once believing he was the best.

A little later that day, when talking to his mom on the phone, Seonghwa wished he could say he felt sparks or that he knew these four boys would be his best friends forever, however, the truth was Seonghwa was numbed from anxiety and the only first impression he could recollect was they were quite good looking and very talented. 

There was a lingering question in the air. No need to make his mom feel bad.

“I’m the oldest.” Seonghwa put her mind at ease, if that was possible.

“Oooh!” She said playfully. “Are you going for that leader spot?”

“Hopefully not. There is an incredible trainee who composed an insane number of songs. He's good at everything. If it comes to it, I’ll definitely vote for him as leader.”

“That’s good. It seems you found someone you can rely on.”

“Yes. He’s a friend from the same year. We’ll get along, probably.”

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What if I never debut? What if nothing ever comes out of this?

To be infested with insecurity is to never be free of worry. One would think that becoming a trainee could soothe the wound of doubt and fear, but instead just multiplied them. 

At first, Seonghwa tried to maintain a cool and nonchalant image. People seemed to like the idea of a wild country boy with scary eyes. It didn’t last long, though. As he opened up to his new friends, his warm personality inadvertently shone through his carefully placed walls.

Seonghwa continued writing the journal he kept from his Rhythm Company days to keep himself sane. The tiny notebook that initially recorded his struggles to become a trainee now included the first meetings with the members, phone calls with his parents and his late night training sessions with Hongjoong.

Hongjoong became his anchor at KQ Entertainment. They were not only closest in age, they were also the only ones who spent their nights training together. They would talk about anything and everything and Seonghwa poured all his internal conflicts into their conversations. 

“Do you think we are too old to debut?” Seonghwa muses one night. 

There was no quick answer from Hongjoong. There was no ‘don’t say that, you’re so handsome, of course you’re debuting soon’.

“Maybe.” He pondered. “Groups these days are getting younger and younger, that’s the tendency now. Our goal is to be long-lasting, though. A year or two won’t make a difference if we aim to be active even after serving the army.”

He wanted to believe they were going to succeed, yet a realistic and fearful side of him always reminded Seonghwa how he just passed a convenience store and a dentist to get to this training room.

“I can’t help but relive how many times I was rejected before being accepted here. It seems so vile to say this, but I don’t see a group with me in it selling a single album copy. Companies with no money, like ours, depend on the members' appeal. Well, about fifteen companies thought I had no appeal, why would this be any different?”

“You know, companies these days desperately want to discover ‘the new BTS’. Even they once were rookies fighting for a spot on TV. And many of them were rejected by the big three.”

“True. Recruiters must be thinking ‘ How could we miss such talent? ” It’s easy to look back now, Seonghwa figured.

“I truly believe some talents only bloom in the right circumstances. If they were six, maybe the outcome wouldn’t be the same. And just to make things clear, I definitely don’t agree you lack appeal.” There was a light flush in Hongjoong’s ears. “But perhaps the appeal you are looking for will only reveal itself when we are complete.”

It was never shallow. That’s what made Hongjoong so special. 

“For six months, I was the only one here. After a while, I thought I was being scammed.” Hongjoong laughed. Both of them were sitting with their backs to the training room mirror, gazing at the slow rotation fan in the ceiling. “Maybe we are being scammed, I can’t be sure. Even so, this is our only shot. This is the only company that took us, and they are investing the little money they have to create another boy group in this saturated field.”

Seonghwa’s breath hitched. The truth hurts, and yet Hongjoong was looking at him smiling brightly. “It has to count for something, right?”

Yes. It definitely counts.

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In the end, eight makes one team .

They had three new additions since Seonghwa: two talented dancers and a killer vocalist.

Yeosang and Jongho were a bit shy at first, but soon mingled easily with the rest of the group. That should have been it, but at the last minute, Wooyoung was added and decided on eight.

Wooyoung had a strong personality, and Seonghwa felt he could clash with some other hardheaded members, so he made sure to be the diplomatic middle ground. 

For a short time, they became the KQ Fellaz, focusing on strong and sharp dance moves. Their company decided to send them to Los Angeles to participate in dance workshops and improve quickly. Of course, making a short docuseries along the way to promote them some more before debuting.

It was fun. They were awkward around the cameras, and they are abroad for the first time, that’s good content for fans and an enjoyable experience for them.

That was until Hongjoong had his laptop stolen.

The members, the staff, and even the CEO agreed that Hongjoong was a guiding presence for the team. Once, during a meeting, Seonghwa stated that there was no point if he wasn’t the leader of the group. Sometimes he forgot Hongjoong was younger, that he was just a 19 year old boy who carried a substantial amount of weight on his shoulders.

Seonghwa was reminded of that when the managers gathered around and told them the laptop was recovered, but reset, which meant all songs were lost. He remembered the all-nighters Hongjoong pulled just to ‘polish the arrangement a bit more’ or ‘add more guitars’. They were his lifelong work and vanished in a matter of hours.

“Seonghwa-hyung.” Jongho called. “I offered to record some vocals for the songs he can remember. There are a few lost in emails as well, but I don’t think he will be able to recover much.”

“You did well, Jongho.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“Not yet. He needed some time to sort out his thoughts. Maybe extract the most of his memory while the adrenaline is running high.” Seonghwa got up from the sofa and looked at the door that had been closed for a while. “I’m going to check on him now.”

Everyone else was in the kitchen, sending pitying glances toward Seonghwa. It was such a grim situation that no one knew how to mend it. 

In front of the garage door, Seonghwa knocked twice. “Joong? Are you awake?” No answer came, but he could hear the frantic typing and clicking sounds of the keys. Slowly, he opened the door and saw Hongjoong sitting on the ground, headphones on, laser-focused on his laptop that was lying on his lap.

He sat down next to him, but Hongjoong didn’t utter a word. He did acknowledge Seonghwa’s presence by scooting over to give him space, and that was it.

Seonghwa kept looking at the screen. The music software was so confusing and tabs were changing so fast that it got him a bit dizzy, so he closed his eyes, focusing on the surrounding sounds.

Almost an hour later, Hongjoong finally spoke. “Are you awake, Seonghwa-ya?”

“I am. I just closed my eyes because the screen motion was making me a little sick.” Seonghwa expected an apology, but it never came. Not that he thought he needed one, but it was very typical of them to apologize for unnecessary reasons like this one. “Jongho told me he’s helping you record the vocals.”

“Yeah. It’s a little late right now, so we’ll probably start recording first thing in the morning. Who knows, maybe it will turn out better than it was before.” He had a grim smile on his face, and Seonghwa wasn't buying his act.

Seonghwa has always been sensitive. He cried easily, and he understood how important it is to let it all out. He was not oblivious to the reaction he knew he would be getting, but he asked anyway. 

“Hongjoong-ah, are you okay?”

There was no point pretending he was not. Hongjoong started sobbing uncontrollably. In all these years together, Seonghwa had never seen him like this. It was heartbreaking. He had always been their fortitude, their backbone. Not necessarily optimistic, but a persevering, hard worker that dreamt big and never gave up.

Now, Seonghwa was watching his iron resolve fall apart. And everyone in the house could listen.

Seonghwa hugged him tightly and let his tears flow for a few more minutes. When the sobs subsided a bit, he gripped Hongjoong’s shoulder and shook him lightly, in a quite comical way.

“Listen to me. You did your best to recover what you remember. Tomorrow, we’ll start over. Let’s put this behind us and make new songs, alright? It was no one’s fault.” Seonghwa grabbed his face with both of his hands and used his thumbs to brush away the residual tears.

“It was, actually. It was Chris’ fault.” Hongjoong scoffed jokingly.

“That is true. But! We didn’t even have our debut yet, what is so bad about starting anew? Nothing good will come out from resenting this guy we don’t even know.” Hongjoong didn’t look convinced, but Seonghwa’s own teary voice and wet eyes were softening his friend. “Aren’t you the one claiming there is no one like you? You can make hundreds of new and better music, I’m certain. Let’s do this together, all eight of us, hm?”

Hongjoong pondered for a moment and left the embrace after a while. He turned the power off and closed the laptop. “I will hate him for the rest of my life. I’m going to make a banger so good he’ll have to hear it on every radio station he switches to.”

At least the fire was back in his eyes, even if just for a moment. “Come on, let’s go to bed now. You need rest to rock those recordings with Jongho tomorrow.”

When they left the garage, no one was around the kitchen table anymore. They seemed to be asleep, but chances were the boys were just pretending, saving the older ones from the embarrassment of being heard crying. 

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Hongjoong could be overbearing at times. It seemed the closer they got to debuting, the more stressed he got. They even jokingly called him Tyrant-joong. He was always the leader, but now he was the captain of the group, and the weight of responsibility was hitting hard.

The problem was Seonghwa didn’t know if Hongjoong was just being extra mean to him or if he was the one who couldn’t shake it off.

Don’t get him wrong, they were still very close and dependent on each other. However, the nitpicking was incessant lately and Seonghwa was often his favorite victim. The members seemed fine when they were the ones targeted, taking the criticism well or arguing for a bit, because all feelings were left in the open and no one was upset for long.

Seonghwa, respectful and full of admiration for Hongjoong, was unable to act like that. It was not a healthy coping mechanism, and he knew, but he just couldn’t get the words out. Seonghwa nodded and tried to do better next time. Rinse and repeat.

“How come you’re so off beat these days?” Hongjoong spat out. “Last week you couldn’t sing your lines without straining, now this. Let’s take five and see if you can knock it off, damn it.” He turned on his heels and left the training room. 

Nothing could feel more pathetic. He was the oldest and still got scolded like a child in front of all his teammates. 

Seonghwa didn’t want to risk running into Hongjoong right now, hence he went straight to the restroom and locked himself inside the furthest stall. Tears wet his eyes, but he refused to let them flow. A runny nose would just add to his embarrassment when he got back to the training room.

In the silence, Seonghwa wondered if the boy from Rhythm Company was struggling like him. He probably debuted somewhere or gave up entirely at this point . After joining KQ, Seonghwa didn’t keep him in mind like before, but still wished the best for this faceless person who gave him so much strength in hard times.

It didn’t take long for someone to come in looking for him. “Hyung? Can you open the door? Yunho is here with me.” San’s gentle voice echoed.

Pitiful as he felt, there was no point delaying the dance practice any longer, it would only build up Hongjoong’s anger. But as soon as he unlocked the latch, before he even got up from the toilet, San went in, and Yunho stood at the stall entrance. Cramped couldn’t begin to describe.

“What is this?” Seonghwa whispered, looking up. “Is this really necessary?”

“I’ve heard small spaces can be calming.” San explained.

Seonghwa was so bewildered by the explanation that his instinctual response was snorting.

“Hopefully San’s silliness has lifted your spirits for a bit.” Yunho was bending forward to be closer to them. “Hongjoong was way out of line back there.”

“Be honest with me. Am I bringing the team down?” Seonghwa asked earnestly.

They were shocked by the question. “What? Did he tell you that?” Yunho replied, dumbfounded. “I know he’s been stressed lately, but this-”

“He didn’t. Of course not.” Seonghwa quickly remarks before anyone jumps to conclusions. “I’m sorry for implying something like that.”

“We are all under a lot of pressure, it’s completely normal to mess up. You see, being a main dancer, I can easily notice everybody’s mistakes, but that doesn’t mean I’m free to criticize them. Imagine the recording session then, Jongho would end me, don’t you think?”

Clarity suddenly hit him. The reason he was so upset was not Hongjoong’s comment, but the fact that he was disappointing his friends, in his mind, at least. “That’s exactly why Hongjoong is allowed to criticize, he’s good at every role. My dejection is that I’m not improving like you. Sannie here managed to become a dance machine in such a short time.” Seonghwa pinched San’s cheek. “I want to be the oldest hyung you come to for advice, yet here I am being comforted.”

“We came here to badmouth Hongjoong-hyung, not praise him for being mean to you!” San retorted. Seonghwa and Yunho shared a heartfelt laugh.

“Hongjoong was the one who helped me realize my talents, bring back my confidence when I felt down. I know he doesn’t mean any of those words.” Seonghwa held both of their hands. “Don’t worry.”

“But hyung, you have to defend yourself as well from now on, okay? Talk back. Maybe he is subconsciously taking advantage of the fact that you don’t get angry at him. Make him taste his own medicine.”

“Oh, I’m discovering a new side of our kind Yunho-ya today…” Jokes aside, Seonghwa was glad they had his back. His mind was now clear as well, and he knew deep down that Hongjoong had already been forgiven. 

“C’mon. We’re suffocating here.” He guided his teammates back to the training room and, unsurprisingly, Hongjoong was by the door. San and Yunho gave him some mean stares, but got inside, leaving the two of them alone.

Hongjoong shifted his weight awkwardly from foot to foot, appearing incredibly awkward.

He held out Seonghwa’s favorite snack. It was his apology. “The nerves are getting to me.”

Seonghwa gladly accepts it, be it a snack or an apology.

“All good?”

“Yeah, I think I know now why I was making those mistakes. Yunho gave me some solid advice.”

When they emerged, there was an awkward silence, but Wooyoung made sure to break the ice. “Good, I hate seeing my parents fight.”

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They set a date: October 24th. Finally, finally , Seonghwa was debuting.

The well-known sentimental Seonghwa believed it was the perfect time to go on a trip down memory lane. To stay humble, it was important to always remember what led him here. After all, he didn’t achieve this alone.

His mom's friend who let him stay during the weekends, the auntie who gave him more meat for free at the nearby restaurant. They played a minor role, but nevertheless gave him strength to keep going.

Rhythm Company was the last place on his list. 

In the short story of Seonghwa’s life, this was probably his make it or break it moment. He saved the best for last.

Making his way in the subway, Seonghwa rehearsed in his head what he would say to the director. How important he was, pushing him through and believing him. That the boy that worked harder than anyone else was his inspiration and drive.

He somehow expected the tight hug that accompanied it. “I knew it! I’m so happy for you! I’ll make sure to tune in to your debut.”

Seonghwa was so grateful.

“Oh, now is a good moment to tell you that the boy that I talked to you about is also debuting! His mom called me a few days ago to let me know. Wait, what is the company you are in, again?”

“KQ Entertainment. They are small, but-“

“Kim Hongjoong? Is he in your group?” Seonghwa nodded suspiciously. What he didn’t expect was what followed. “He is the boy I told you about! Who got in earlier! What are the odds!”

What?

All this time, Seonghwa was leaning on the same person. The boy and Hongjoong were one. His Hongjoong.

He thanked the director for his time and promised they would succeed and bring Rhythm Company pride, hoping more students would apply to the academy. 

The newfound knowledge that Seonghwa depended on Hongjoong even before meeting him didn't leave his mind for a moment. His fluttering heart was leaping against his ribs, shocked by the revelation.

In hindsight, how was it possible that Seonghwa was so inspired by someone he didn’t even know? How come Hongjoong was the reason he kept trying all along? All the pieces clicked into place.

If there truly was a red line connecting people out there, right now, Seonghwa believed his pinky was tightly knotted to Hongjoong’s.

It was never a coincidence.

Fate truly works in mysterious ways.

Well, now certainly wasn’t the best time to be developing a crush on your teammate, but the heart wants what it wants. He can't help the romantic underline to all of this. “It’s okay,” Seonghwa thought, trying to quiet his racing heart. “It’s just a crush, it’ll be gone in a few weeks.”

Debuting would keep them as busy as ever, no time to dwell on fleeting feelings and foolish ideas, right?

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Hongjoong was nothing like his television persona. Seonghwa knew that better than anyone. It was understandable.

Groups make a living out of fanservice, and they know. It was all part of the game, all was fair in love and war. There was nothing like a good shirtless pic and a nice colorful friendship to boost the sales.

Within their public dynamics, Hongjoong ended up going for the ‘don’t touch me, I’m the strict leader’ route. Which was fitting, considering he was never the biggest fan of skinship.

It stung, in the beginning. How Hongjoong would act purposely cold to Seonghwa on air, but when the cameras cut, he was caring and friendly. It felt like a betrayal. Was there any truth to it?

The cycle repeated many times. It took a while, but when Seonghwa understood that it was all an act, he decided to play the role of the dejected one. Somehow, this gave him leverage, because he could channel his own feelings into the performance without dealing with the hearbreak. To flirt, knowing he would be rejected. 

How did he do this? Using all his brain power to remind himself of every day as trainees. Because Hongjoong always had such honesty, this time Seonghwa beat the negative feelings and decided to be mature about it. 

He was Hongjoong’s closest friend, the only one who knew him by heart. They never really got to talk about this specifically, face to face, but Seonghwa had heard about it in interviews. The truth was they could talk about any topic, no matter how serious or sensitive it was. Except for how much they mean to one another.

Today, the team listened to the demos and the lyrics listing each member's part, as well as received videos of the dance practice for their new singles.

Seonghwa was staying late at the company, training his lines and trying to remember some new moves. That wasn’t the only reason he was there, though. His roommate was barely home these days, busy with their new album at the studio when he was not at the dance practice, so Seonghwa made himself available close by in case Hongjoong wanted to grab something to eat or go back to the dorm together.

Almost a year since they debuted and Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong was still working harder than anyone else to make the next album a success. There was some novelty to new groups, people might tune in even with low sales, but after a year or two, if you hadn’t consolidated your fanbase, it was game over.

A knock on the door woke him up from his daydreaming, and Hongjoong sat with Seonghwa at the table. “Now that you had more time to digest, did you like the demos?”

“They sound great, Hongjoong. Your hard work always pays off.” Seonghwa was trying to make eye contact, but Hongjoong’s eyes were drifting somewhere else. Well, clearly, there was something else he wanted to talk about.

“I debated a lot, internally, if I should tell you this. Maybe I would tell after the recording, maybe after the promotions are over. But…” His fingers were fidgeting, and he was looking down, embarrassed. “But if I am silent now, I’m going to lose the timing. So.”

Hongjoong was often shy when he was childish, but it was strange to see such an insecure sight when he was usually so confident with his music. Seonghwa kept looking at him expectantly, yet patiently, not rushing his words he was trying so hard to say it out loud.

“When I wrote ‘Thank U’, many thoughts inspired me. ATINY, of course. The team - us. How far we’ve come in such a short time. We even got our first win with Wave.” 

The first win at a music show was always a big deal. It was proof that people were listening and making an effort for you. That day, even though they knew it was possible, it still came as a surprise.

There was a sharp inhale, like Hongjoong was trying to gather all his courage inside his chest to put into words.

“I love the guys, they each have their own unique mark tiled in ATEEZ. Still, when I was reminiscing about our team’s struggles and achievements, my thoughts always ended up going for you.” Hongjoong risked a side glance and saw Seonghwa’s eyes grow with surprise. “You always tell me how our nights at the training room helped you, but they also helped me too, you know.”

Seonghwa opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t seem to find any words. He uttered the only thing that went through his mind at that moment. “Hongjoong-ah.”

At that moment, the dam broke. All those words stuck in Hongjoong’s chest found a way out, they were desperate to be free. “Every time I said out loud that you would thrive, that you had to dream big, that training wouldn’t betray you, I needed to hear that too.”

“My shoulders are always burdened by the responsibility of making our team succeed. I know we are on the right path, but we are still far from safe, and I cannot predict our future. And that’s why I do everything within my reach to achieve our dreams, because even if I fail, I won’t have any regrets later on.”

The room was silent, but their feelings were powerfully loud. Hongjoong was breathing hard and his voice was slightly congested, as if he held his tears so hard they had lodged themselves in his nose and wouldn’t leave. “Your role is so much bigger than being ATEEZ Seonghwa. I speak for the whole team when I say we need your caring words and kind feelings. More than that, I need you. You are the shoulder I can lie on. Whenever I am unsure, you are my pillar of support. I have taken you for granted for so long, and I cannot express how sorry I am.”

Hongjoong was still not looking at him, but searched for his hand and interlaced their fingers. His thumb was caressing over Seonghwa’s, while slightly applying some pressure, a representation of reassurance.

“Our push and pull… I hope you know it’s just a show. I’m awkward and don’t know how to act in front of the cameras. That's why, with this song, my sincere thoughts and gratitude for our Park Seonghwa, I need you to know that you are truly my closest friend.”

Not releasing his hand, Seonghwa got up and used his free arm to hug Hongjoong’s waist. If he felt his shoulder a bit damp where Hongjoong pressed his eyes, he didn’t mention it. “Let’s not apologize for things like this, hm? There is no need to say sorry. You said it yourself, ‘thank you for being on my side’.”

Hongjoong laughed at the dumb anecdote, and they stood like that for a little while. His leader might not be for public displays of affection, but he certainly made sure that Seonghwa knew how much they mean to each other. 

That night, when they were lying in their room in the dark, Seonghwa wondered why he thought many times it was necessary to make a heart for a picture at a fansign to prove their closeness.

It would certainly make Seonghwa very happy, but knowing Hongjoong dedicated such a song to him is worth more than a million uncompleted hearts.

Before finally drifting off, a thought that had recently plagued Seonghwa crossed his sleepy mind once again.

Ah… Mom, what should I do? I really like him.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

The washing machine is humming. The birds are singing.

Seonghwa notices the day is warm, perfect to air those deep-stored clothes that smell like wall mold.

The sofa is so cozy, though. Seonghwa is lying on Hongjoong's lap while he plays with his bangs, excessively curling and letting go.

It feels so so nice.

Seonghwa never wants to leave this place.

He hears a giggle. Ah, the classic Hongjoong leitmotiv .  “You look so dumb.” And then Hongjoong bends down and kisses him.

At first, just a quick peck. But Seonghwa follows, propping himself up with his elbows, chasing his lips.

They slot perfectly. There is contentment spreading in his chest, because nothing has ever felt so right.

Why are they kissing, though?

Seonghwa can’t remember when they got together.

Have they even got together?

For some reason, these questions don’t really make sense at this moment. Fuck it. He just wants to feel Hongjoong a little bit longer.

Lazy kisses bathed by warm sun rays are truly the best. They stop for a moment, and Seonghwa takes in the view. Hongjoong’s lips are swollen, and he feels proud to be the one responsible for it.

“I love you.” He hears faintly.

The door opens. 

The room was dark, and Seonghwa was not on the sofa, but in his bed. Hongjoong was tiptoeing, making slow and deliberate moves, trying to silently climb the bunk stairs.

Weren’t they…?

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

Oh.

Seonghwa was feeling quite stupid right then.

He didn’t even answer properly, mumbling some gibberish, and turned to face the wall. Hongjoong might have apologized a little more, but he couldn’t hear because his heart was hammering in his chest, blocking his ears and fogging his mind.

All these years, Seonghwa was always a step behind his feelings. When he thought they were friends, he already had a crush. When he thought he had a crush, well.

Seonghwa was already in love.

So dense that his subconscious needed to let him know.

This time, sleep didn’t find him easily.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Contrary to popular belief, his sexuality was never that big of an issue. When Seonghwa was old enough to understand that girls were only friends to him, he was too busy practicing, telling himself he would cross that bridge when it came to it. 

Later, he came to the conclusion that when he found the one, they could live together in that sort of ‘weird uncles who are unmarried and roommates’. It was going to be when he was older anyway - or so he thought.

No, not only did Seonghwa find the one pretty soon, but fate decided it would be his bandmate. How unlucky can one be?

They could never be together. First, there was no chance Hongjoong likes him the same. The second problem was, even if by statistically minimal chance his love was reciprocated, there is no way they could live like the weird uncles. 

He could not sabotage Hongjoong’s dream.

What Seonghwa could do was support Hongjoong until the end.

Time had matured his love. Slowly, he came to terms with the fact that they were the best of friends. Seonghwa rejoiced at the idea of being Hongjoong’s confidant, his left side.

And Hongjoong is always so considerate that he wanted to cry. It made his heart ache so bad. He could handle all the acts of service before he realized he was in love with him. It was just a funny feeling in his chest. Then Seonghwa could name it and suddenly it was not funny anymore.

At first, he struggled to separate friendship from loving gestures. So he gathered inspiration from his baby kitten, Wooyoung, who only had loving gestures all along. They were the same, Seonghwa realized, it was all about intention. And if Hongjoong didn’t know, all was well.

Because they were best friends. They were both dense. It was fine.

Yet he failed to consider that Wooyoung was emotionally intelligent, could read the room well, and loves his hyungs very much.

That’s why it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when, after Hongjoong lets everyone know he’s going to the studio, Seonghwa was cornered by Wooyoung in his own room. “Do you have a crush on Hongjoong?”

“How come you don’t respect your elders?”

“You’re deflecting the question and bringing age to this, which means I am correct.”

“As a matter of fact, Wooyoung, you are incorrect.” Seonghwa took a moment to lie in his bed. Wooyoung followed and hugged him. 

He shouldn’t say anything. Seonghwa had done an impressive job so far, not telling a single soul. Even his mom didn’t know about it. But he loved Wooyoung so dearly, in a different way of course, no less important, that it felt so right to confess this to him. “I am in love with Hongjoong.”

Seonghwa sensed Wooyoung loosening his grip for a second, but then it was back tighter than ever. “I’m not telling anyone, don’t worry.”

“I’m not, I trust you.” Seonghwa kissed the crown of his head. “How did you notice? Is this an open secret?”

“No!” Wooyoung got up too quickly and hit his head on the top bunk. “Ouch. Not hurt! I mean, I don’t think anybody knows. Before, you guys were kind of awkward and cute, it was pretty funny, but now… You still play around, but there is a strange longing, too sad to joke about, you know.”

“Well, that’s about it. I’ve realized my feelings about a year after debuting, and here we are.” He mindlessly traced the slats above his head, the rough sensation distracting him from being overly sentimental. “I would like to say no big deal, but unfortunately, it is a very big deal, and we have to pretend this conversation never happened for the foreseeable future.”

It is what it is.

“The gods played a cruel joke on me, Wooyoung-ah.” He stated, defeated. Wooyoung went back to lying down, but now his feet were next to Seonghwa’s head. “Get out, I don’t want to smell your dirty socks.”

Wooyoung poked Seonghwa’s cheeks with his toes, and the older groaned in frustration. They played fight for a bit, and Seonghwa knew this was his way of lightening the mood. When they got tired, Wooyoung took out his phone to watch reels, with no intention of leaving the bed anytime soon. 

“I can’t say if Hongjoong feels the same, but if he doesn’t, he’s missing out.” 

“Ok, time to go.”

“You’re a catch, hyung.”

“Don’t ‘hyung’ me now.” Seonghwa wrapped his legs around Wooyoung and threw him off the bed. “Turn the lights off on your way out.”

Wooyoung finally got up and turned the light off. Just to light it up again and close the door. This annoying cat.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Life was slowly getting back on its feet. They participated in the TV Show Kingdom, boosting their popularity, Mingi had returned to activities and then there was a new EP almost ready to go.

There was no way Deja Vu wouldn't be a success. The music was catchy and the dance had a sexy vibe to it. And it didn’t matter how many times they had practiced it, Seonghwa’s waist tingled every time Hongjoong grabbed him mid-song.

For the second day of filming the MV, the stylists gave him vinyl pants and a shirt with an interesting geometrical neckline. Seonghwa didn’t think much of it when he first tested them, but now with full face makeup and hair done, he admitted he looked pretty damn beautiful.

San, Wooyoung and Jongho were still finishing their looks, therefore Seonghwa left them to join the others. There were a few different small settings and the boys were checking the props and joking around.

When they realized Seonghwa was done, there were some whistles from Yunho and Mingi. He gave them a little twirl in fun. Yeosang clapped animatedly. “Hyung, you look great!”

Hongjoong didn’t seem to have a comment.

There was no time to mope, though, because the director arrived at that moment to give them a head start on the set display. Back to business.

Seonghwa could see from his peripheral vision that Hongjoong couldn’t stop staring at him. Yet, every time he attempted to return the stare, Hongjoong was kicking the ground or looking up. Weird.

Filming with Yeosang at their spot went pretty quickly, but the director asked them to stand by while they checked the recording. “My outfit makes me look good, right?”

Yeosang gave him a puzzled look. “You are absolutely beautiful and elegant today. Every day too, but especially for this shoot. I love it.”

“Oh, thank you.” Then he mumbled. “Must be something else, then.”

“If you are talking about how Hongjoong is making a fool of himself today, no, it’s actually the outfit. More specifically, the person with the outfit.”

Seonghwa opened and closed his mouth a few times, but found himself unable to reply. Does he look stupid or not?

“He was probably close to passing out because you look so hot.”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not. Hongjoong is more affected than he lets on.” Yeosang didn’t let him talk back. “If you say he’s shy, let me just say that’s not what I’m referring to. And I’m not elaborating on that.”

The director returned and told them their individual shoots would begin in 30 minutes. Seonghwa wondered what he meant by that and, well, Hongjoong always liked his body line. Maybe he wasn’t all that immune to his charms.

Yeosang left to get a snack, and they never touched the subject again. Seonghwa was left to his own devices and selfishly hoped something might have ignited in Hongjoong.

It was exhilarating to consider Hongjoong might return his feelings. One thing was Seonghwa dreaming about some alternate universe where they lived a happy and domestic life. Another was a teammate, who knew them by heart, aware of this invisible tension that permeated them.

By being acknowledged, they existed. There was consciousness to it. It was more real than ever, and Seonghwa was elated.

He was so happy to be in love.

Even if they could never act upon it.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Seonghwa could not stop looking at that stupid pink plastic flower ring. He wanted matching rings with Hongjoong as well.

They were at Idol Radio once again. As always, Yunho and Hongjoong were incredible hosts, following the script, but unafraid to be authentic and genuine, making sure their personalities were always shining through.

He read the script beforehand. It was not as detailed as people thought, it was more like an outline of the show. What topics would be talked about in each segment, something like that.

To be honest, he didn’t remember if it was scripted or not, but Yunho’s face, wiggling that ring while asking Seonghwa if he was jealous caught him a bit unprepared. 

However! Seonghwa’s feelings had been around long enough, he was never shaken by any comment or provocation. At least that was what he told himself. Therefore, there was no shame in admitting he wanted a ring too.

What truly surprised him was Hongjoong’s addition.

“Let’s get a friendship ring for Seonghwa’s birthday then.”

Clapping excitedly, Seonghwa listened to Hongjoong’s plans. It could be a heat-of-the-moment prank, but he knew his friend long enough to grasp that Hongjoong didn’t joke about this kind of thing.

“What do you think, Seonghwa-ssi?” Yunho asked, fully aware that Seonghwa was vibrating in his seat. 

The only way he could answer was with whimsical sounds.

Hongjoong would finally put a ring on Seonghwa’s finger. Platonic was still better than nothing.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

The ring saga did not end there, of course.

A year later, a day before Seonghwa’s birthday, Hongjoong distributed the newly made friendship rings at the dorm.

Designed by him, they featured an eight and an infinite design. Diamonds. San even commented that it was a design Seonghwa liked.

Seonghwa was so incredibly happy.

It was the perfect way to celebrate their sixth year of ATEEZ. They were finally well known, an established household name, the first K-pop boy group to perform at Coachella in a few days. How the tables have turned.

They all put their ring on their finger and took a wholesome picture to upload to their social media. It was all thanks to ATINY after all.

When their small gathering ended and the dorm was silent again, Seonghwa sat alone in the living room, examining the ring situated so gracefully on his ring finger. It felt heavy.

Right now, Seonghwa was not above being childish.

Only in his wildest dreams could he imagine getting a ring from Hongjoong. Obviously, the context was completely different, Seonghwa was painfully aware he was feeding a delusion, yet he could not help but fantasize hearing the church bells.

“Why the sour look? I thought you loved it.” He whipped his head to see Mingi holding a glass of water. Apparently, Seonghwa didn’t notice him in the kitchen.

“I do.” The words twisted his insides with the double meaning. “It’s perfect.”

Mingi seemed to read him for a moment. He silently settled by his side and rested his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder. “Hyung. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mingi.” It was surprising to hear this out of nowhere, but Seonghwa welcomed it gladly. “Did something happen?”

“Not to me, no. Just thinking.” His voice sounded serious, but not cold. 

“Don’t worry. Everything is exactly as it has always been.” Seonghwa didn’t want to trouble anyone with his pathetic daydreams. 

So much for being careful with his wording, because Mingi saw right through him. “And that is the problem.”

Seonghwa wanted to deny it, to pretend it wasn’t true. Even though he never cared for age hierarchy, the younger kids didn’t need the ‘mom and dad fighting’ talk.

Because there was no fight. There was no mom and no dad.

Only teammates Seonghwa and Hongjoong. Friends.

“Mingi-ya.” Seonghwa called. “I’m so pathetic.”

The silence that followed stretched for a long time, both of them considering what to say next. It’s not exactly uncomfortable, anxious would have fit better. 

“I have no idea where this is coming from, and I wish I could be a source of comfort to you. Just like you are to us.”

“Believe me, this is more than enough.”

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Seonghwa went to Jinju a few days after his birthday. His high school friends, along with his family, prepared a surprise belated birthday party and he had so much fun his stomach hurt from laughing too much.

All the guests went home, and the Park household were left to  the mess afterwards. It was the least they could do after such a warm welcome.

His father drank too much and went to sleep earlier, so his mom and his brother were washing and drying the dishes while Seonghwa put the rest of the food in smaller containers.

“So…” His brother started, which was always suspicious. “Have you confessed yet?”

Seonghwa had no idea what his brother was talking about. Was this about breaking their mom’s favorite vase ten years ago? Why would he have brought it up then?

“You..!” His mom intervened. “I told you we should wait for Seonghwa to feel comfortable enough to tell us!”

“He’s taking forever, and I couldn’t stand watching his pathetic crying face on YouTube.”

Thankfully, Seonghwa was just about to close the lid of one of the containers, or else they would be shattered on the floor.

“How…” There were no appropriate words. He felt dumb to have thought that ignoring his feelings and sexuality would work, that the people closest to him wouldn't notice his nature. “Are you…” Seonghwa couldn’t finish. He was scared of their reaction. Like a child, he was trembling with fear, because his family had always been his support and he couldn’t lose them.

Hongjoong was never his to lose, but this… this was the only constant in his life.

“Wait! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!” His brother pleaded. “I just wanted to get a funny reaction from you. I’m sorry.”

“What are you? Twelve? How can you joke about this? Seonghwa is panicking!” He felt his mom rushing to his side, rubbing circles on his back. 

“I’ll give you some room. Don’t worry, I’m coming back for the rest of the dishes later.”

“Please, stay.” Seonghwa uttered. He needed to know. Deep down, he wished he could go back to pretending, but the cat was out of the bag. The timing was definitely not perfect, but if he let it go now, they probably wouldn’t ever speak on the topic again.

Seonghwa dreaded talking about it, however, it was still better than living anxiously for the rest of his life.

“We love you, okay?” It was impressive, the calming effect his mom’s tone has on him. He nodded, but still couldn't face them. “It took us a while to understand, but we are very supportive. Your father, too. How can we proudly call ourselves your parents and not have your back?”

Turning around, Seonghwa hugged her so close it was probably uncomfortable, but he didn't care. It felt so good to be loved, not being scared they would leave him. Suddenly, there was another pair of arms over both of them. “Don’t leave me out! I’m the older brother!”

The mood was lightened, and the fear that was looming over him dissolved as quickly as it appeared. There was just… that small thing… that brought this upon him. “About Hongjoong…”

“You don’t have to tell us anything. You don’t owe us any explanation.” They slowly let go of the tight embrace, and she held his hand in appreciation. “What your brother probably meant was that we notice. It’s all up to you to share with us.”

Seonghwa considered. They already knew, there was no point holding back.

“There is not much to say. Well, since apparently everyone noticed, I’m in love with him. Look, he even gave us this team ring because I asked.” He dabbed the ring with his thumb, proudly displaying it on his finger. “I truly believed I could live as friends for the rest of my life, and for a while, I felt good. Right now, it hurts so bad.”

“And confessing is off the table, why…?” Why were older brothers like this?

“If he loved me back, wouldn’t he have said something already?”

“Well, why haven’t you?”

Why, indeed. It could have been argued Seonghwa didn’t want to ruin their career and dynamics, but the truth was he feared he couldn't take the rejection. 

Hongjoong was the person who helped Seonghwa regain his confidence, who in tough times, offered the most straightforward words and pieces of advice. If Hongjoong rejected him, his hard-built resolution might crumble.

“Just because I feel bad for making you worry, I’m going to tell you a secret. Sometimes Bumjoong messages me and we make fun of you two being dumbasses. Confess. Something magical might happen.”

Seonghwa only understood what he meant a few hours later, because at that exact moment, he was only thinking about breaking all the dishes in his head. What a busybody.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

At that point, every single important person in Seonghwa’s life knew about his feelings for Hongjoong except for the man himself.

Nothing changed.

Life kept its rhythmic movement and none of his fears of judgement never came true.

His brother’s words were in the back of his mind, a reminder that a spark is all it takes . Seize the opportunity . Hongjoong could be scared as well.

What if his confession didn’t come to fruition? Hongjoong would never make fun of him, it was who he was.

But what if he did feel the same?

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Seonghwa tried to elaborate a plan to confess. A date, a special moment, maybe after a concert. The last flicker of insecurity on him pointed out that he shouldn't attach a possible rejection to recurring moments, something he would be reminded of for the rest of his life. 

So he let go of planning. Fate had brought him great things and would continue on. Trust your guts to find the perfect timing.

The moment found him in the most unexpected occasion. They had a light schedule for the day and were back in the dorms. Some members decided to go out and Seonghwa usually would accompany them, but he heard Jongho mention that Hongjoong would be home alone, so he quickly refused.

Seonghwa took a shower and cleaned up nicely in the idol way: no makeup, no fancy clothes, just himself. He checked in the mirror a few times, put on some fresh cologne, and hit his face with his palms for extra courage.

Well, it’s now or never.

He didn’t text or call first, ringing the doorbell and probably catching Hongjoong off guard. Seonghwa had the code and could enter it on his own, but he wanted to do this properly. He heard some noise approaching the door, silence, and then opening.

“I thought a stalker had finally made it up here.” Hongjoong said. It was not really a greeting, they saw each other an hour ago anyway. He held the door, silently inviting him in. “Didn’t feel like joining them tonight?”

“I, ah, actually need to talk to you about something.”

Hongjoong’s metaphorical ears perked up. It’s funny how body language works, because Seonghwa could visualize the stress and worry emanating from his friend. ‘Let’s talk’ never means anything good, but he hoped this time it would.

“Let me just… fix this real quick.” The insane mess in the common area didn’t go unnoticed, but Seonghwa found it endearing how he was tidying up to ease his usual indignation.

“Hongjoong-ah, it’s fine. Let’s just sit down.”

“You are worrying me. First, you want to talk, and now you don’t mind the mess? This must be serious.” Hongjoong let out a nervous laugh. Strangely, it was impossible to figure out who was more tense right now.

Seonghwa sat down and held back from tapping the seat next to him, a bit of distance might be good.

“I wish I could say it’s nothing big, but this is one of the most important moments of my life. And before I even start, I need you to know that you have no obligations at all. There is no correct answer, and my only request is that we can keep going as ATEEZ from now on. Alright?”

Hongjoong gulped and nodded, straightening up in the opposing armchair.

“For the longest time, I’ve… harbored feelings for you. I can name many, gratitude, pride, frustration, awe…” Breathing in, he took the last step. “...affection, desire, and love.”

When he dared to place his gaze at Hongjoong’s face, he was making an ‘o’ with his mouth and looking quite funny. His eyes were also huge, two dark pebbles close to falling to the ground. Seonghwa accidentally giggled at the scene, and that seemed to break Hongjoong out of his trance.

He switched to a strangely disappointed face. “Wait, why are you laughing? Was this a joke?”

“No!” Seonghwa shook both of his hands, trying desperately to convey the seriousness of his words. “I’m sorry, you looked so cute! I swear, I am really really really in love with you!”

If he worried about coming off too strong, there it goes.

Hongjoong exhaled in relief. “For a split second, my worst fears came true, that you had come to mock my feelings.” Hongjoong hid his face in his hands, slowly opening his fingers to peek through. “Do you actually feel the same?”

If he felt the same? Seonghwa was on cloud nine. He was smiling so brightly his face hurt, but this was nothing compared to the warmth inside his chest. Not even in his wildest dreams would it feel so good to have his feelings returned.

They spent a minute just avoiding each other's gazes and chuckling about it. If the members could see this, they would definitely make fun of them for acting like an innocent teenage couple.

What now? Should Seonghwa take the lead and kiss him? Maybe that would be too straightforward. Hold his hand?

‘Matz are awkward’ never felt more real. But it was so them, it was natural. They might have been on a few dates, even been with other people before, yet it was the first time they confessed, first time being in love. It was okay not knowing what to do, they would discover together how to navigate this.

Seonghwa got up and Hongjoong followed. Tentatively, they held each other by the hand, the arm, the waist. Now, every touch had intention and long gone was the fleeting sensation they had to make do. 

He leaned down and finally closed the gap, an almost ten-year abyss between them, and even though they both lacked some technicalities, it was the best kiss ever. They have all the time in the world to make up for the rest.

Hongjoong led them into his room, because who knew when Wooyoung and Jongho were coming back and they certainly didn't need their input at this moment.

It was true they don’t match. But they do fit like puzzle pieces. Perfectly imperfect for each other.

Cuddling in bed, bathing in the glow of finally being boyfriends, he realized how much things would change. They needed to come clean to management, stay hidden from the public eye, at least for now.

“I knew the ring would do the trick.”

Seonghwa scoffed. “Really? How low of you.” But there wasn’t any bite to his words. “Watching me spiral for so long.”

“Don’t be satisfied, it’s a team ring.” Hongjoong kissed his hand lightly. “I’ll get you another one. Just wait.”

One could say they lost a lot of time, but Seonghwa disagreed. After all, it was all about the yearning.

ੈ✩‧₊˚ 

“But, on the other hand, there is someone who’s very compatible with you.” 

Hongjoong and Seonghwa quickly share a look. They have been here before, and they know how it goes. It’s written in the stars.

“That person is Seonghwa-ssi.” The fortune teller continues. “Temperamentally, you are very different to Hongjoong, but you have a fated bond of a married couple.”

Damn, only if he had listened to the predebut tarot lady.

Seonghwa doesn’t feel any regret, though. He likes the road so far.